• Published 4th Aug 2013
  • 3,812 Views, 141 Comments

Misadventures Of Two Degenerates - Weirdguy

Two semi-normal guys embark on an new life in Equestria.

  • ...

Our Fan-F#$%ing-tastic Day

““Skydiving is an adventure” they said, “nothing bad will happen” they said, “no cross dimensional gateways” they said!”

“Dude, shut up...you’re giving me a headache.”

“How did we get here anyway!?”

“Hell, if I know, but we just need to get out of here.”

Two hours earlier...

The sound of the plane’s engine was drowned out by the roaring winds as they sat there, waiting to be given the “go ahead” by the instructor. Two people were sitting across from each other, one practically about to burst from excitement and the other having nothing more than an impassive expression.

“Dude my adrenaline is pumping right now! When is he gonna give us the go ahead?!” Because of the constant sound coming from the wind and engine, Spez was forced to shout so that Sycro would be able to hear him. “Oh, I can’t wait to jump!”

Sycro sat across from him with his head propped up on his hand, staring out the window without showing any real interest. “Just try not to forget to open the parachute, alright?! I don’t wanna explain to your family how we had to scrap your face off of the ground!”

Spez waved him off. “Pfft, I’m not that dumb! I won’t forget, my life will be on the line if I do!”

“No if you forget, there is no doubt that mama bird is going to be puking up your liver!” At that moment the instructor walked in through a door that was across the room. He was already wearing the green suits that every skydiver was required to wear for the sake of wind resistance.

“We’ll be over the safe zone in three minutes! Make sure you’re ready by then!” He walked back through the door he came through and shut it with as much force as he could muster, but its sound was drowned out by the roaring winds.

They both started to hook themselves onto the parachutes, with each buckle making a barely audible ‘click’ sound. Sycro grabbed a sling backpack that was lying next to him, containing their phones and some extra items. Spez didn’t really see any reason to bring the bag along, they could’ve just put their phones in the pockets of their pants, which were under the suits along with the rest of their clothing. He didn’t bother saying anything after, “I don’t know why you’re bringing that stupid thing, but whatever.” since he knew that there’s really no point in arguing with Sycro. He would just ignore anything that he says, no matter how important it was.

“Alright, let’s do this!” Spez practically jumped up out of his seat as he excitedly rubbed his gloved-hands together.

“Whatever.” Sycro stood up and walked towards the planes hatch, rubbing the back of his head with his eyes closed. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Spez joined him with a large ridiculous smile on his face, and now they just had to wait for the instructor to come back. Thankfully it didn’t take much of ten seconds before the instructor walked through the door, his short grey hair sticking to his head from furiously sweating. One thing about the plane was that on the inside it was hotter than a summer in Arizona.

“Alright, we’re right above our target!” The instructor shouted as he walked towards the plane’s hatch. With a flick of the lever the door opened and an effect of being sucked into a vacuum filled the area. They all had to hold onto something to keep from falling out before they were given any instruction.

“Alright, you got two cables on there!” The instructor pointed to two different colored grips on their chutes. “The red one is your main and the blue one is your backup! If you’re falling head first and have to deploy the parachute, go belly-down and wait a few seconds before you open your chute! Got it?!”

They both nodded in agreement and pulled a pair of tinted goggles over their eyes.

Spez was the first one to the door. “Okay just jump Spez, jump to your death,” Spez thought. As soon as he walked to the door he froze in place. “Crap” Spez looked out of the plane and saw the ground. “How did I forget that I’m afraid of heights?” Spez was too afraid to even jump out of the plane, and Sycro was getting impatient.

“Well jump, already!” Sycro yelled. “He forgot he was afraid of heights again, didn’t he?” Sycro rolled his eyes at the thought and without a hint of hesitation put his hand on Spez’s back.

“Hey what’re y-”

“See you in Hell!” Sycro put all his force into his arm and ended up pushing Spez right out of the plane.

“YOU SON OF BIT-” The rest faded away as Spez plummeted towards the earth.

“Love you too!” Sycro stood at the door and without any hesitation, leaped from the plane and started falling head first so that he could catch up to Spez.

Meanwhile in Equestria...

“You’ve been up all night Spike,” Twilight said as she tucked away the sleeping dragon. “You are a baby dragon after all.” Twilight exited the room, but not before switching off the light as Spike’s snoring quietly echoed through the room.

Not long after there was a loud ‘CRASH!’ that came from the main room of the library. Twilight had started tossing books off of their shelves and was reading through them vigorously.

“Elements, elements, elements. Ugh! How can I stop Nightmare Moon, without the Elements of Harmony?”

“And just what are the elements of harmony?” Rainbow Dash had flown into the library and now had her forehead pressed against Twilight’s, making Twilight backpedal with each flap of her wings. “And how did you know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you a spy? Whoa!”

Applejack had snuck up behind Rainbow Dash and pulled at her tail to try and pull her away from Twilight. “Simmer down, Sally. She ain’t no spy.” Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy had come up behind Applejack and they all started approaching Twilight. “But she sure knows what’s going on. Don’t you Twilight?”

Twilight’s gaze shifted between the five of them, seeing no way around this she hung her head in defeat. “I read all about the prediction of Nightmare Moon. Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her. But I don’t know what they are, where to find them. I don’t even know what they do.”

“‘The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide.’” Pinkie read from across the room.

Twilight made a mad dash across the floor of the library and knocked Pinkie out of the way of the book. “How did you find that?”

Pinkie bounced behind Twilight and said in a singsongy voice, “It was under “E”!”

“Oh.” Twilight for a second felt embarrassed by the fact that the pink earth pony was able to find the book before she could.

Twilight slid the book out of its place on the shelf and flipped to the page explaining them then began to read aloud. “There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known -Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty, and Loyalty the sixth is a complete mystery. It is said the last-known location of the five elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters. It is located in what is now...”

Before finishing that sentence they all found themselves at the edge of, “The Everfree Forest?!”

Meanwhile in an unknown location...

Sycro couldn’t stop hearing the constant buzzing coming from the side of his ear. He lazily move his hand up to try and shoo the pesky insect away. It stopped for a second, but that was followed by him slapping his hand against the back of his neck.

“Little bastard...” He mumbled a few curse as he brought his hand in front of his face to see the little mosquito twitching on his hand. He wiped it off on his suit and let out an exasperated yawn. It took his eyes a few seconds to readjust, but when they finally settled he found himself in the ruins of what appeared to be a castle.

He looked up and saw that his parachute was latched onto the corners of a hole in the roof, he also saw that it was nighttime. “Great, what happened now?” He looked around and saw nothing, but overgrowth covering a pedestal and much of the pane-less windows. He started struggling to unbuckle his chute and found the task more difficult than before. After pulling at it for about two minutes he finally unlatched himself, but forgot that he was suspended about fifteen feet off of the ground. He started plummeting and ended up hit his back against the solid stone of the castle floor.

“That...could have...gone better,” he said to no one in particular.

He slowly stood up and arched his back, trying to relieve it of the pain and tension from the fall. “Note to self, never sleep while hanging above the ground.” He looked ahead of him and found a stairway leading to an unknown lower floor. “First I need to find Spez and then try and figure out where we are.

He slowly limped towards the stairway, his leg having took some damage from the fall. He noted the foul stench of the castle and how there was a constant cold breeze within it. He hopped down the set of stairs slowly as the pain started to lift itself from his leg. Once he reached the bottom his leg had fully recovered and he noted how much more ruined this lower level looked than the one he came from.

The roof was completely gone and some of the columns had been destroyed. also the windows on this lower floor had bars in them, the only real thing that this floor had in common with the above one was that there was overgrowth covering the windows and columns.

He looked around and noticed an odd statue-looking piece in the center with five stone orbs on five outstretched stone planks. Each of these stoned seemed to have the same jewel-like shape in the center, though that’s not what he was focusing on the most. He was mainly focused on Spez struggle to unhook himself as he hung from the center of the statue.

“Need some help?!” Sycro shouted mockingly.

Spez looked over his shoulder and the moment he saw Sycro his expression turned to one of anger. “You bastard! Why the hell did you push me out of the plane?!”

“Because if I didn’t you would’ve just stood there begging for your mommy!” Sycro stood under Spez and looked up at him, enjoying watching him struggle.

“Shut up!...Could you just get me down?!” Spez kept pulling, but to no avail.

“What’s the magic word?” Sycro asked, they were lost anyway, might as well have some fun.

“What?! Oh the magic word, how silly of me. It’s GET ME DOWN DAMN IT!” Spez started flailing his arms around in frustration.

“Hmmm...” Sycro held his hand to his chin and acted as if he was in deep thought. “...Nope, that’s not right.”

“I’ll kill you if you don’t get me down!”

“Mmm...nope try again.”

“Just give me a knife or something.”

Sycro rolled his eyes then pulled off his bag which was still on his back. At least I didn;t lose this. He mused as he reached down into his bag and pulled out a black pocket knife. He made sure that it was still closed and then he aimed it at Spez. He threw the knife and watched as Spez completely missed it and as it hit the floor behind him.

“Sorry can you try again?” Spez asked rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

Sycro rolled his eyes again and reached back into his bag. This time he pulled out a military-grade black steel combat knife. “Don’t lose an eye!”

Sycro grabbed the knife by the blade between his index finger and his thumb. He carefully aimed it so that if it missed it wouldn’t impale Spez. When he thought that his aim was sufficient he flung the blade and listened intently as it cut through the air. He closed his eyes, not wanting to look...but he cracked open one of his eyes slightly.

“Got it!” Spez exclaimed as he grabbed the blade out of the air, though he didn’t grab it without a price. “...i’m going to need a bandage later.” There was a small river of blood flowing from one of his fingers, but there was no time to worry about that now.

Spez started to slowly cut the buckles as Sycro stepped out of the green skydiving suit, revealing his Black Veil Brides t-shirt underneath and his pair of jeans. Once the entire suit was removed it also revealed the three-row studded bracelet on his right wrist and the red and black checkered wristband with a spiked choker around it on his right. He gripped the goggles over his eyes and pulled them off, his long messy black hair falling in his dark brown eyes.

“Finally, that thing was itchy.” She reached his hand behind his back to scratch, what most likely was, a newly obtained rash.

Spez was almost through the buckle before it snapped, dropping him about seven feet to the ground. As soon as Spez hits the ground there was a loud crack and pop coming from Spez.

“AHHHH!!!” Spez screamed in agony.

“Ugh! What is it now?” Sycro asked slightly annoyed.

“Oh thanks for being concerned!” Spez exclaimed sarcastically. “I freaking broke my leg!”

“Oh...well why didn’t you say so?”

“WELL I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY SCREAMING MY LUNGS OFF!” Spez winced in pain. He tried to move but the pain made him stop. “I think you have to call an ambulance.”

“Fine.” Sycro reached into his bag and fished out his phone. He powered it on and held it in the air. “Damn, no reception.”

“Great, that’s just great! Now how are we going to get help?!” Spez shouted towards the sky.

Sycro thought about it for a second before looking back at the building where he came from. “Maybe I can get a signal up there.” He put his bag back on and walked over to Spez. “Come on, I got ya.” He pulled Spez up and put his arm over his shoulder.

“Thanks man,” Spez and Sycro both slowly walked to the stairway that Sycro came down from, picking up the pocket knife as they passed it until an anonymous voice ordered them to stop.

“Do not move, and I might let you live,” The ominous voice stated.

Spez grunted in pain, “Oh haha, hey why won’t you be a dear and help us out?”

“What did you say, pest?” Before they could turn around to find the source of this voice an odd blue mist appeared in front of them.

They both raised an eyebrow at the mist, but before they could understand what was going on there was a bright flash of light that blinded them for a second. Once they stopped seeing spots everywhere they looked over at where the light came from and they both jump back, well Sycro jumped and Spez just fell back with another jumble of swears muffled in his mouth.

“Oops...sorry, Spez.” Sycro apologized sheepishly and then returned his attention to the dark coated horse-like creature in front of them with a horn and wings. An Alicorn?...I thought those were just myths.

“How dare you talk to me like that, monkeys!” She said before she clenched her teeth.

“Whoa, monkeys?! Just who the hell do you think you are?!” Spez shouted before wincing in pain from the sudden movement that he made while trying to prop himself up.

“I tried being nice, but it looks if you need to be punished.” The long horn on the creature’s head began to glow cobalt blue and they just stayed put, staring at the creature.

After a few seconds the aura around it’s horn and it looked at us in shock. “Y-you’re immune to my magic...but how?!”

“Magic? Just what the hell are you talking about.” Sycro looked back down at Spez and saw that there were small blue sparkles floating around his face. “What the hell?”

“Just what are you two? Where did you come from?” The creature asked as Sycro bent down to help Spez.

As Sycro bent down he ended up inhaling the sparkles and he got a weird feeling in his gut. He began to hold his mouth as his cheeks puffed.

“Dude, what’s wrong?” Spez asked reaching over to Sycro.

They both stood up and when they did Sycro let out a loud burp, but that’s not all that came out. Butterflies...freaking butterflies came out of his mouth. They stood there in shock as the butterflies just stayed there flapping their wings.

“Before I go freaking crazy...” Spez took off his helmet and dropped it on the ground. Then he pulled out his glasses case and put on his glasses. He blinked a couple of times to see the butterflies flying around them. He then looked at Sycro in a serious face. “Did I hit my head too hard, or are we both see those butterflies?”

“Trust me, I’m just as confused as you,” Sycro stated staring at them fly around.

“Enough!” There was the crack of thunder and the flash of lightning around them. They returned their attention to the creature before them, who had an angered expression. “I don’t know what you are, but I will not be outclassed by a monkey!”

“Oh that’s it.” Sycro snatched the combat knife out of Spez’s hand and held the blade between his index finger and thumb. He didn’t hesitate when he flung it at the creature and the creature wasn’t able to see if until it impaled itself in its chest. It howled from the pain and turned into that same blue mist, before it flew off into the woods.

Silence fell as they both starred in the direction that the mist went. “What was that?” Spez asked.

“It was an alicorn. I read about them in high school. They’re just unicorns that have wings.” Sycro asked walking them both over to where the knife fell to the floor.

“Well you shouldn’t of done that. I mean...wait minute. We’re hallucinating right now, but then again why did you hurt her?” Spez looked at Sycro for answers.

“If we were hallucinating, then the knife wouldn’t have stopped.” Sycro bent down and picked up the knife, what was on the end of it only confirmed their suspicions. “Especially if it bleeds.”

“Nope this is some crazy dream I’m in. I must’ve doze off while playing video games again.” Spez pinched his arm and felt the pain coming from it. “...We’re not dreaming, are we?”

“Why did you do that if you felt pain when you broke your leg?” Sycro deadpanned.

“Hey just checking,” Spez shrugged. He started to feel pain coming from his left leg.

“Let’s just get you somewhere that doesn’t smell like the inside of a public bathroom.” Sycro reached into his pocket and pulled out the pocket knife that he picked up. “Take this, just in case.”

Spez nodded and took the knife, “Thanks man, but can you please put me down. My leg is hurting really bad.”

“See, I’d never leave my friends hanging!” They heard a tomboyish voice say from a distance

“No time, come on.” Sycro took Spez to one of the barred windows, thankfully they were big enough to fit through. Sycro went out first and then lowered Spez down, though Spez’s leg ended up striking the ground harder than they thought.

“Ow-” Spez’s shout was muffled by Sycro’s hand.

Sycro bent down, but peeked his head so that he could see through the window. His mind drew more questions as he watched six, what he believed to be ponies because of their size, enter the room. Two of them were normal, two of them were unicorns, and two of them were pegasi.

“What’s going on out there?” Spez whispered to Sycro.

“There’s six ponies out there. two of them are normal, two of them are unicorns, and the other two are pegasi.” Sycro them over again noting their strange coloration along a weird symbol on their butts. “Plus they look like the colors of the freaking rainbow...and one of them actually has a rainbow colored mane and tail.”

“Let me see,” Spez demanded.

Sycro pulled him up so that he could grab onto the edge of the window, once Spez actually pulled himself up he had the same look of shock as Sycro had. “See?”

“Put me back down, I think I’m done with life for today,” Spez said as Sycro lowered him back to the ground.

“Look, we can’t just stay here, when they leave, i’ll grab the parachute and he can make a shelter out of that alright?” Sycro kept looking through the window, but what he saw made him consider just laying on the cold dirt and pretend that none of this had ever happened.

The five stones that were on that statue were now spinning in a tornado. He watched as a purple unicorn jump into the tornado and then the tornado and the unicorn disappeared.

“Where did she go?”

“What happened?”

“What’s going on?!”

They were all standing there repeating the same question over and over again. Eventually they started running around the clopping of their hooves starting to become slightly annoying.

“Twilight! Where are you!?” The orange pony with a stetson hat called.

Twilight?...oh god, she better not be named after the Twilight series or I swear, I am going to murder somebody, Sycro thought at the memory of being dragged to each movie. He physically shivered at the memories, but he decided that it wasn’t important right now.

“Okay I think I could handle more bullshit,” Spez finally broken out of his trance. “Tell me what’s going on right now?”

“I think it’s better if you just sit there and think about your life,” Sycro told him. Spez was about to say something but just accepted what Sycro said.

“Look!” A white unicorn shouted as she pointed out a window to the building that Sycro was just in.

Sycro looked over and saw that there was a bright white light emitting from the windows. He looked back towards the group of ponies and saw them climbing up the stairway. He waited until their shadows disappear then he poked his head through the window making sure they’re all gone.

“Alright, i’ll get the parachute.” Sycro climbed through the window and stealthily made his way toward the statue in the middle.

Thankfully they had moved the parachute off of the statue while they were bringing down those stones. It took him a minute, but he was finally able to fold up the chute and he separated it from the pack. He back out through the window and found Spez staring at the building that the bright lights were coming from.

“What do you think’s going on up there?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care, let’s just find a place we could stay for the night.” Sycro helped Spez up and was about to start walking in the direction of the castle before spez stopped him by putting his arm on his shoulder.

“Wait your parachute? I mean look at mine, it has a crap ton of holes in it.”

“And what makes you think mine won’t?”

“Come on, it’s worth a shot.” Sycro thought for a minute.

They were lost and they had run into technicolor talking ponies that are unicorns and pegasuses. Not to mention all the crap that they’d already seen, they would need as much supplies as they could get it they were going to survive here.

Sycro hung his head in defeat, know very well what they had to do. “Fine.”

Sycro started walking with Spez on his shoulder. Even though the building was higher than where they were, it wasn’t that hard to reach the top. It was almost as if there was already a path carved into the ground up there. But they had to get high enough so that they could get Sycro’s parachute. Thankfully there was a hill that just barely reached it they would be able to grab it if one of them stood on their tippy toes.

“Noooooo!” That sounded like that alicorn that they had met a few minutes ago.

There was a window under them, but most of it was blocked by the hill they were on. Sycro laid Spez down and he soon followed. They thankfully had enough space to see what was going on. All they saw was a tornado made of rainbows swirling around the alicorn as she screamed in defeat. They saw the other creatures floating in the air and the purple unicorn open her eyes and made a blinding light. After a few seconds the light dimmed down and they all passed out.

“Yo Sycro they’re sleeping, lets get the parachute and get the hell out of here,” Spez said.

“Fine.” Sycro stood up and reached for the parachute, he was able to grab onto one of the strings and he was able to pull most of it before the chute started to tear. “Are they still sleeping?”

“It looks like it,” Spez put his arm around Sycro. “Just pull that parachute down.”

Sycro made one finally powerful pull and there was a profound tearing sound. they both fell back and when they hit the ground Spez was about to scream, but was silenced once again by Sycro’s hand.

“Huh, what was that?” Said the now alerted ponies that were suspected to be asleep.

“Shit!” Sycro swore in a hushed voice. “Come on.” Sycro helped Spez up and they began their descent down the slope that they ascended from.

Sycro and Spez both limp lower and found themselves next to one of the windows of the building. For some unknown reason Sycro decided to look through the window. He was surprised when he didn’t see that alicorn that threatened to kill them. Instead he found the same six ponies he saw before along with an unfamiliar white alicorn who had an ethereal mane that had a shade of pink, blue, and green. There was also a smaller alicorn supposedly hugging the bigger one. It had a midnight blue coat and a cobalt blue mane.

“Dude, check this out.” Sycro helped Spez get a better look by pulling him up so that he could peek through the window.

Spez sees the ponies and the two alicorns, but he kept his eyes on the Cobalt blue alicorn. “It’s the alicorn bitch that called us a monkey.”

“Really?” Sycro looked back at the small one. “How can you tell?”

“Look at her ass mark, it has the same crescent moon as the last one.” Spez angrily looked at her. He moved his hand through the broken window and showed her the bird. “HAHA TAKE THAT!!!”

The small alicorn looked over and saw the, but before the others could look over, Sycro pulled them both down and covered Spez’s mouth. “What the hell, dude?!” Sycro scolded in a heavily hushed voice.

“Mmph mmph mmph,” Spez couldn’t talk on the count that Sycro practically shoving his fist down his mouth.

“What is it Sister, is there something wrong?” Questioned the little alicorn who is now looking at where the two humans used to be.

“Umm...it’s nothing.” They heard the little one speak.

“Come on you bastard.” Sycro moved so that when they stood up they wouldn’t be seen through the window. “We need to get out of here.”

They started heading down the incline which was somehow harder to do than going up it. After about two minutes of muffling each one of Spez’s pained howls every time his leg hit a root they reached to bottom.

“Alright...now...where do we go?”

Spez painfully shrugged. “Hell if I know. More important where the hell are we? I never seen those creatures before.”

“Well one thing’s for sure...we’re not in Kansas anymore.” Spez looked up at Sycro with a facial expression that said “really?”. Sycro just shrugged. “Couldn’t help it.”

“Alright girls, let’s get out of here!” Sycro instinctively pressed himself against the wall and peeked around the corner.

He saw the ponies leaving along with the two alicorns. “Hey Spez, they’re leaving.”

“Okay lets go back in and see how we will get out of this mess.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Sycro watched as they all walked along an unstable looking bridge, save for the cyan pegasus that was just flying over them. Once they disappeared into the mist he slowly carried Spez back into the castle and laid him down in one of the corners of the room. Remembering his broken leg, Sycro left the building once again and found two sticks that seemed to be about the size of Spez’s leg. When he re-entered he cut some of the overgrowth off of one of the columns and walked over to Spez.

“Man, it’s already swelling.” Sycro knelt down and put the two sticks on each side of Spez’s leg. He wrapped one vine across the top of both sticks and another across the bottom. He tied them loosely, but then he grabbed the knot on the top vine.

“Spez, bite down on this.” Sycro took off his bag and put the sling in Spez’s mouth. With one powerful pull he started tightening the vine. The increasing pressure sent bolts of excruciating pain up Spez’s leg and he started to scream, thankfully they were muffled by the sling.

“Alright, just one left. It’s almost over.” He grabbed the bottom note and repeated the action, and received another volley of muffled screams from Spez. “Alright,it’s done.” He took the sling out of Spez’s mouth and handed him one of the folded up parachutes. They started to unfold them and it was hard to tell whether it was easier to fold them or unfold them.

Eventually they fully unfolded both of them and laid their heads on some soft vines that had piled up over the years in the corner.

““Skydiving is an adventure” they said, “nothing bad will happen” they said, “no cross dimensional gateways” they said!” spez shouted towards the sky.

“Dude, shut up...you’re giving me a headache.” Sycro rubbed his eyes lazily before shutting them in an attempt to lose consciousness.

“How did we get here anyway!?” Spez asked, throwing his arms up into the air.

“Hell, if I know, but we just need to get out of here.” Sycro let out an exasperated yawn and rolled over on his side. “Now get some sleep.”

“Fine...but i’m not really sure if I even wanna wake up.” Spez rolled on his side facing away from Sycro and it didn’t take long before the two of them were out cold and lightly breathing in the cold air around them.