It's Flashfic 150 time again! Amereep's selection for the prompt this month is a pretty open one, so I'm looking forward very much to seeing what kind of wonders you lot can come up with. If all goes really well, I'd hope for words, punctuation and perhaps even spacing. We've had double-figure entry counts for several months now, which I'm delighted about. Can we keep that going? That's for you to decide! If you need a refresher on how FF150 works, then:

Here are the full rules.

Remember, there is no prize, as such, for this contest -- but if you win, you will be able to choose the prompt for the next contest. You'll also get a mention on the group's front page. Since I have no idea what to put here now, I'm going to ask you to imagine your favourite flavour of ice cream. There. Wasn't that worthwhile?

Prompt: "Atmosphere" (selected by last month's winner, Amereep)
Rating: E or T
Word limit: 150
Closing date: Monday 21st September 2020, 11:59 pm UK time (world clock)

Please reply to this post with your entry. This makes it easier for me to keep track. Please do not leave feedback until after the closing date.

Entries are now open! Have fun!

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The world of humans on Earth was in another universe and couldn’t be accessed directly, but Twilight Sparkle finally figured out a way. “It won’t be just Luna interacting with people’s dreams anymore. It’s time for an actual encounter of the third kind!” she announced.

The Alicorn then concentrated all her magic into the quantum entanglement spell. She knew she’d need a week to recover, but it was worth it. For science and diplomacy!

An explosion of pure stink filled the air.

When the smog cleared, there stood a human. Upon seeing the Princess, he gasped and dropped to his knees.

Twilight giggled. “I know I’m supposed to be royalty and all, but there’s really no need for formalities.”

The human bowed to the mare, prostrating himself before her.

She blushed.

He looked up at her and uttered only, “Oxygen!”

“Oh!” Twilight put a hoof before her muzzle. “We don’t have that here. Is that going to be a problem?”

The human dropped dead.

Edit: 06 - Atmosphere!

I'm still a bit confused, I'm afraid. Are we supposed to create atmosphere (as in mood), or do we literally have to write about atmosphere? Just double-checking.

7316936
Any interpretation of the "Atmosphere" prompt that you wish, so long as it doesn't break the contest rules. So either is the answer. Unless you feel like doing some other sort of thing with it, in which case that.

I don’t know why I made this one so depressing, but hey, what do you expect from a sleep addled mind?

I give you Dark.

It was dark.

Around me, the snowstorm smothered the light, leaving me a well of blackness.

I was alone. Everypony else had fallen away, I was the sole creature surviving this storm.

Why was I alone again? The cold... So hard to think.

They stopped halfway. Why?

I couldn’t think. The cold was seeping into me, freezing me.

I deserved this... Maybe?

I did something.

Right... I did a bad thing. That’s why I’m alone.

But where was I going? I can’t see anything through the snow. It was just so cold...

I knew I was almost there. But I didn’t know what there is, not even where.

The darkness was smothering me. Except...

Was that a light?

Am I... Not alone?

Was I safe?

Stumbling forward, I kept watching the light, but it drifted further away.

My mind felt fuzzy...

It was just so cold...

No...

It was dark.

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This idea has been bouncing around since I saw the prompt approved in the previous thread. I've done too many heavy mood pieces, so here's something a bit more gonzo.

“Were you followed?”

Bon Bon deposited their usual of parfait, turnover, and tea. “Not this again.”

“But were you followed,” Lyra insisted.

“How should I know? No.” She sat. “What is it this time?”

Lyra surreptitiously glanced about, then pointed at the goodies. “How do you know this is real?”

“Like… fake food?”

“No, real real. That it exists.”

Bon Bon took a bite, chewed. “Seems real enough.”

“But that's it exactly. Exactly!” Lyra hissed. “What if we are prisoners of the mind?”

“If this is about changeling pods again—”

“This is way to self-consistent to be those. I've tested it.” She leaned over conspiratorially. “This can only be one thing.”

Normal speaking tone, expecting it: “Which is?”

“Humans.”

“I'm leaving.”

“You can't ignore this, Bons!” Lyra called after her.

“Enjoy your parfait.”

“With those hands of theirs, who knows what they're capable of!”

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One of the things that I find that makes a great story/movie/show/whatever is something that appears simple, but has a deeper meaning to it. A ring being an invisible tether that ties souls together, gripping an apple indicating a sign of wisdom, a broken sword implying a shattered will. A good story is one that gets across a point, and symbolism is the thread that ties it together. Unfortunately, the message might not come across quite clearly at times.

Before doing these monthly contests, I participated in another monthly contest called 'The 11 Second Club'. It's a lot like these 150-word flashfics, the difference is that you're given a sound file that is 11 seconds long to animate to. What's more, the winner is decided through the community and gets their animation reviewed by a professional animator. But the communications over there is terrible as there's no way to reply or PM anyone. There's a forum and you can comment on animations, but it's only during the judging and your comment only appears after the winner is announced.

The comments I was given were mostly pointing out flaws that I overlooked, and I agree that it was an oversight. I'm more of a storyteller than a dazzler, so I often glance over places and focused on specific areas more than other.

The 'Money Shots' were given their treatment, but the last shot of the last entry was special to me. I focused on the subtle eye movement and the twirl of her wrist, but the one I was strongly devoted on was the camera's position and the book's location. It wasn't to keep me from animating her mouth, it was to imply something for the audience to pick up on. I could've touched upon a few places outside of the quality, and when someone left a comment that said...

'For the final shot, the camera needs to be in a different position, or the female character needs to lower the book to see her facial movements.'

...I was infuriated. I wanted to tell him what I was going for, yet there was no way to contact him; but judging by the second portion of his comment about how the first shot needed more movement, he only cared for motion and not the message. He didn't catch the symbolism I was making in this animation, so I want to try to retell the event through a media that quite literally, 'writes it out for you'.

It'll be different for continuity sake, but the message should stay the same.

"Come on, Twilight. I said I was sorry."

Twilight's face stays deadpan on the book she reads while sitting on the wooden stool.

"Did you hear me?" Spike asks for his unreplied apology.

Twilight lifts the book up to eye level in her aura, practically buried within it's pages.

Spike starts to feel the anxiety swirling inside himself, worried at the fact that he was unheard once again. Despite the close proximity, Spike never felt more farther from her. If only he could get a better look at her face to get a sense that he's reaching her.

Spike stretches his neck to see her expression, but Twilight shifts in her seat, blocking his attempt.

"So I goofed up." Spike tries to soften the issue, "It isn't that-" he quivers upon seeing Twilight leering at him. Peering over the hardcover wall that she constructed to keep his distance from her.

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Ok Once more unto the writing pad, dear friends, once more.

The Finishing Touch

"Ohh jeez something isn't right what's missing"
Pinkie reaches deep in to her pink mass of fizzy mane and pulled a clipboard from it.

"Balloons check, novelty surprise apples check, band check even the banner and decorations are perfect ahhh what am I missing?
Pinkies gut started to twist and knot. Your gonna fail Pinkie this is it this is the one the voice screamed behind her effervescent smile. She huddled in the corner behind the silent guests in the dark.

As Granny Smith came in the lights went up the crowd shouted surprise. The band struck up their tune as warmth, light and laughter started to fill the old rafters. Pinkie's ear swiveled tuning in to the new ambience. The feeling of fear washed away as she found the missing ingredient. Her faux smile eased to a genuine grin as she bounded over to join in the hoedown.

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First time entering one of these! Once I saw the prompt, I knew I had to try something. I had too many ideas. Working within the constraint of such a short word count was tough, but I suppose that's the whole point.

At any rate, here's what I've got:

Heedless of the platoon watching them, Cadance hugged her husband close. His warmth soothed the arctic cold. She still shivered at the dense fog pouring from the mountain pass. “Be careful.”

“Relax,” Shining said. “We’ll be back as soon as we confirm that the ravine is safe to cross.”

“And if it isn’t?”

“There’s ten of us. We’ll be fine.” He pulled back and kissed her. “Love you, Cady.”

“Love you too.”

He stepped away, then motioned for the soldiers to follow. They marched into the fog, hooves crunching snow. Soon, all Cadance saw of them was the magenta beacon of Shiny’s horn.

Eventually, that too vanished.

A few minutes later, Cadance blinked and looked around. Why had she come out here alone? She wrapped her scarf tighter and started towards the empire.

She really needed to send somepony to investigate that fog sometime. Maybe Twilight would have some ideas.

This is a very tough prompt this month. "Atmosphere" can be literally anything and any kind of story, since atmosphere is important for every story no matter what you describe in it, so there's no creative hook to catch your inspiration here. I am not sure what I am going to do with this prompt or if I am able to do something with it. I will need to read a couple of other entries and check what other authors here do with it to see what is possible with this prompt.

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Thanks!

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And here is now my entry, sudden and unexpected, as a bright flash ignited my inspiration. Literally, because I could just witness a thunderstorm from a front row seat. And it's an ideal opportunity to shine light(ing) on a rather underappreciated background filly:
.

Torrents of rain soaked the ground behind her just a second after she fled under the protective roof. Tornado Bolt loved when it rained, she was a pegasus born for the storm and the rain. But even a pegasus like her needed to take care of her health. The remains of a cold were not in her favor. No dancing in the rain this time.
As the grey filly sat down on the bench, lighting made it day again for a moment, then thunder ripped the sky above her apart. An explosion in backwards order. The most intimidating elements of nature gave their all to sow fear and anguish in the hearts of ponies, but she loved it.
Tornado Bolt flashed a smile up to the clouds as the next lighting heralded its impulsive partner. Her body was on the ground, but her soul took part in the atmospheric spectacle.

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Twilight called the ship by some ridiculous technical designation, but Rainbow named it Two Wings And A Prayer.

The first part was relevant as the craft soared higher than any pegasus could - splitting the difference between sky and space. Skimming along the verge of orbit, it carried Rainbow Dash higher than anypony had ever gone before. The final step before following Luna's hoofsteps to the moon. Into a place where the chill of space dug into your bones and where - importantly - the air was too thin to breathe without the ship's oxygen reserves.

The second part was relevant because Dash was praying through her panic for her port window to hold as the emergency sealant hardened over the hairline crack in the glass.

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Been a long time since I did one of these. I immediately got an idea for it, then soon forgot whatever it was. So I cobbled something together using some underutilized characters, including one from the comics. As always, 150 words exactly.

Play Date

Snowflake Obsidian fidgeted behind her father’s chair. “When can I go out and play?”

He leaned back from his work. “Later.”

“C’moooon!” she said. “It’s my turn today! I waited years.”

He peeked outside. Just a regular day. Which wasn’t good. “You know the rules.”

With a harrumph, she stomped to the front door. By chance, a knock soon came. He arose and opened the door to the gloom. Except for the small patch of sunlight and air, with the few children it could accommodate. At the center stood Princess Radiant Hope, far too bent and wizened for her age, her horn alight. Despite everypony’s pleas, she’d always say it was for the children.

A fool’s errand. Inside was safe, and without the Crystal Heart, they had little choice. Barely into the centuries before their empire reappeared, by prophecy.

He sighed. “Thank you, Princess.”

Snowflake would return in an hour.

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Princess Luna stretched out her wings to eke the lift from the hot desert thermal that had propelled her to this great altitude, but it had been worth it for the view was majestic despite the the thin air this far into the high atmosphere.

The whole of Equestria lay spread out below her, no bigger than the map on her bedroom wall and above the sky was as dark as the colour of her coat while in the distance the edge of the planet was a sharp curve stretching away to the void.

The updraught was failing, from the corners of her eyes Luna could see the feathers on the tops of her wings lifting and shivering, signs of impending stall, the slightest wrong move now and she would skid into a tumble that would take all of her skill to recover from.
Time to, carefully, head for home.

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Catch

Bruised clouds throbbed beneath her. Rainbow Dash’s skin prickled in the electrifying air.

A lightning bolt tore the sky apart. She reeled. All she could see was lightning.

Yet she couldn’t see Lightning. Where was Lightning Dust? Where?

Breathless, afraid, she stared.

The dark storm raged beneath her—but there! There!

There she was. Every detail of her outline shone against the darkness, from the curve of her slack muzzle to the sweep of her limp, outstretched wings.

There she was. A turquoise arrow with a golden head, swallowed by the roiling storm. Lightning Dust. 

Falling.

Dash dropped, muscles afire, plunging through buffeting winds. Pressure built around her leaden legs, her straining wings, her desperate heart. The atmosphere bent around her, piercing the storm’s heart, clouds sloughing off behind her.

Then a flash.

Colour, everywhere.

Within her embrace, Lightning Dust—cold, wet, still.

Murmuring.

“Rainbow Dash,” she said.

Alive.

Ed: So I forgot that em-dashes make the word counts different in gdocs/fimfic versus Word, so as of 3pm 21/09/20 I've taken a couple of words out to really be sure that I'm under 150.

For anyone still considering entering this month, you have two and a bit days left!

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Original idea based on a prayer request I shared with my Christian Bronies Discord server about a month ago.
Additional content supplied from the personal experiences of myself and friends in the area.

Autumn Snow

A storm of lightning --manufactured without rain-- found fuel in the woods.
Celestia's sun bathes Ponyville in scarlet: a day of unease.
Remain in your homes; close tight the windows and doors, or choke toxic air.
Sort your belongings. Pack what cannot be replaced. Autumn snow falls hot.

Evacuate now! First responders are working. You are in the way.
"Vacation of fear," some ponies are calling it. The name feels fitting.
Shelter your critters where they will feel uncertain about your return.
Crash at a hotel. Make the bed with Granny's quilt. Wait out autumn's snow.

Thatch roofs catch snowflakes: Ponyville returns to find foundations exposed.
Who are we to blame? Cloudsdale made a faulty storm; weather teams lost it.
No repair magic can undo full destruction, only long, hard work.
Many townsfolk leave, unwilling to live the next year of autumn snow.

Yeah, I'm not gonna make it this month. My mind's been distracted most of the time and drawing a blank the rest of the time. If I do come up with something, it'll be an ineligible fic like The Dream World Record some months back: just to show I'm still doing something.

I've had better months.

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(Reposted because I forgot to make this a reply the first time around.)

As per what seems to be my usual routine by this point, in comes my 11th-hour submission. To be honest, I'm not 100% if it's really "atmospheric" in the proper sense, but hopefully you'll get a kick out of it either way.

Pharynx walked up to the mirror. A long, diagonal crack marred the glass surface, but it would serve its purpose nonetheless.

The changeling took a deep breath, his horn and antlers aglow. A maroon wave of magic washed over him as he closed his eyes.

When he opened them again, he found his brother's face staring back at him.

"Thorax" studied his reflection. Pharynx had always prided himself on his shapeshifting prowess. This was no exception; pinpoint accuracy once again.

Now came the true test. Maintaining his brother's guise, Pharynx gave the mirror the most cheerful-looking smile he could manage. "Thorax" beamed right back.

Finally, Pharynx lowered the veil. When the aura subsided, the smile that was previously Thorax's found itself plastered onto his own face.

And oh, how he hated the unnatural way he looked.

Pharynx grimaced at the sight—an expression, he mused, that seemed far more befitting.

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And your time is up! Thank you as always to everyone who had a go. Welcome to ArgonMatrix, and welcome back to Pascoite. 15 submissions this time, which minus Amereep (who can't win again as last month's winner) gives us 14 eligible flashfics this month. Great stuff!

Feedback is open!

There are probably only two ways people are going to interpret this prompt: aesthetics and literal air. Let's see what we have.

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A few editing mistakes. There's a nice idea for a twist here, but it raises more questions for me than it answers. For one, why would Twilight decide to use this method of teleportation rather than the mirror, especially because of the extraordinary effort involved? I'm guessing that the previous trips through the mirror that change the travelers' species account for the difference in air chemistry during the transformation? I'm not sure the human would know that quickly that the air didn't contain oxygen. He'd be able to breathe, but he'd notice a little later something was wrong. I don't know how he'd be able to pinpoint what. Seems like Twilight would know about the different air as well. Just taking the concept itself, though, this is a good idea for a twist. It's the kind a reader won't see coming, and it does abruptly add context to how the human had been behaving.

7317089
I'm guessing you're going for general environmental alarmism, as opposed to, say, this being specifically from the Flim and Flam timeline of Starlight Glimmer's time travel shenanigans. For atmosphere in particular, I think Tree Hugger would have trouble breathing long before the tree would, but you're going more for the total environment. I like how Tree Hugger literally hugs a tree. From the first sentence, it's pretty obvious how the rest of the story will go, but that's not always a bad thing, especially for a story that's not plot-driven. This one's focused more on imagery, and it paints an effectively stark picture. Just Tree Hugger's behavior says a lot about her turmoil, and in a story this short, it's good to get the story to speak more than the words you're limited to.

7317134
Someone's walking through a cold wasteland, but it's kept vague as to why and what the distant light might be. You have to be really careful keeping so much about the story obscure, because if I don't know why anything is happening, then I don't have an investment in seeing it resolved. Just a hint about his circumstances could have gone a long way.

A bit of advice about the nuts and bolts of the writing. You don't keep a consistent tense going. By formatting it with such short paragraphs that each one takes up only a single line, you end up doing two things. One, you tend to make it look like it's going to be poetry, which of course it isn't. And two, that's typically done when you want to make that line stand out, so you can add emphasis to it. But when every single line of the story is like that, then nothing can stand out. It'd be worth taking a look at which of these paragraphs you could combine so that only the few that truly deserve being set apart get that emphasis.

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See my comment on the previous story about the visual appearance of this, with all the one-line paragraphs. It's less of an issue when you have as much dialogue as you do, but it might be worth sacrificing some of the dialogue for more narrative action that could lengthen some of the paragraphs.

Partly, I'm getting tonal dissonance from this, and it's not necessarily your fault. I can't tell whether this is supposed to be genuine intrigue or a tongue-in-cheek goofy Lyra story. I tend to take it more as humorous, but then it might have been better to end on more of a zinger. It's not even until the end that the possibility of humor comes in; before that, Lyra was making valid, if tried-and-true, philosophical points. Then the joke suddenly comes in. It's structured like a feghoot, but without the kind of joke those have, so still kind of like a trollfic. I liked the tone of the beginning, where it looked like there may be some eerie happenings going on. Not so much when it went to a "Lyra's obsessed with humans" joke, but that's personal taste. The word choices and sentence crafting are good here.

7317353
A few editing issues on this one, including a couple shifts into past tense. As a story, it effectively communicates mood. I don't know what happened though. By the title, I can assume Spike offended Twilight somehow, but I don't have any idea how badly, or if Twilight is overreacting. By the end of the first sentence, it's already clear what the situation is, and then it doesn't go any further. It would help if you showed them at least starting to make some progress toward a resolution, or give some context to what the conflict is, or give some very striking imagery. Really, there are two things a story can accomplish, and when you're talking about flash fiction, a third one gets added. The two main ones are to set up and resolve a conflict or to show some character growth, and the one that flash fiction can also get away with is to have a surprising, memorable image. You'd really stand out if you could do one of those things with this.

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Some editing issues in this one, too. I'm left a little confused by this one. What was the missing element Pinkie was looking for? As near as I can figure, it was the guest of honor. It seems odd for Pinkie to forget that, though. You do see that kind of thing done in comedies, but this isn't taking a comedic tone. I think what'd help this a lot is to shift some of the word count from the build-up to Pinkie's internal emotional journey. The emotion is mostly driven by the circumstances, though you do have the narration talk about her twisting gut. That part is effective. But once it's resolved, the narration just has that wash away; there's not a huge sensation of relief for her, so for how much tension had built up, the resolution could be played up more.

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I love the imagery in this one, but I'm left a bit confused. My best stab at interpreting it is this: Cadence went out with Shining Armor to investigate this fog, and when he disappeared in it, it also removed him from either everyone's memories or existence entirely. It does raise a few questions about how this would work. Does she still have Flurry Heart? Who does she think the father is now? This is a nice, spooky idea for a plot, and the mood is very well done. This is my favorite of the entries.

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I don't know why thunder and lightning would sow anguish. Fear, sure. It stands to reason that someone whose talent involved them would appreciate them, so I like the way you portrayed this filly. This does a nice job of creating the weather imagery and also using it to grow her character, so it's pretty effective as a character portrait even without having a plotline. A few editing issues, but this was simple and sweet.

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Ah, you went the feghoot route. How much any given reader likes this will depend on whether that's to their taste, even more so than other genres, but that's not a knock against it. A few small editing issues in this one. For me, I think it would have helped a lot if you'd steered the plot in a little different direction. Stories about Luna experiencing something new in the modern world have been around a long time. Back around 2012, it seemed like there were 1 or 2 of them in the feature box at all times, so much so that it became its own genre: the "Luna des X" story. It'd help you stand out if you avoided looking like another one of those. And YMMV on this, but while some feghoots are obviously humorous all the way through, some appear to be serious at first, then hit you with the joke by surprise. The latter tend to work better (though they also tend to make people angrier...), so you might consider going that route. Though Luna being silly was also fun to read.

7324318
The idea here is one I figured somebody would do. It almost works, but what derails it for me is the way the story's perspective is set. If you had maintained an omniscient voice, then it's easier to withhold information that's important to the characters. But your first sentence feels more like it's Dash's personal feelings about Twilight, so it tends to establish her as the viewpoint character. So when the narrator calmly goes on about lots of things before finally revealing there's a serious threat to Dash's life, it implies that Dash is so unconcerned about it that she can think about flippant things first. When the narration assures me she's frantic about it, it sets up a contradiction in tone there. This would have been a very striking twist in an omniscient voice. The story basically is the twist, and you can get away with that in flash fiction. If this were a longer piece, it would need to go more into the emotions and consequences involved.

7328528
Hack.

7331739
As a technical matter, any creature that evolved to fly is going to be very stable, so she should have a pretty gentle stall recovery, not an uncontrollable tumble.

This reminds me of the earlier "Luna at a nightclub" story in that it falls into a well-trod category, the "surveying the land from a high place" story. The imagery of flight is nice, but I don't know her purpose in this. She's taking a risk, and maybe it's just for the thrill of it, but the story doesn't play up that angle any, so I'm not sure. I think it would have helped if you'd given her some purpose.

7333252
In the first post of these threads, Logan links to a rules page, which then leads to a word counter utility. It's a good idea to use that one so you can be sure. And if you use bbcode, add it after checking the word count.

This one's really effective. The only thing that nagged at me is how at the beginning, all the sentences are structured the same, which leads to a list-like feel. But the story does a very good job of communicating emotion and doing it subtly, too, as it focuses on the symptoms and results of that emotion instead of just saying what the emotion is. Not only does it have the strong visual imagery, but it completes a plot arc and has some character growth to boot. My second favorite of the round.

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Strong imagery. I'm not sure structuring it as poetry was a good move, because it's only a visual structuring—there's no rhyme or meter. That's one of the fundamental things about free verse. It's unclear whether the decision about when to start a new line or not carries any meaning to it, and it's usually pretty hard to see that there is one. Then I have to ask myself: if the story had just been done in paragraph form, would it lose anything? In this case, I don't think so.

As a piece of prose, though, it does a good job capturing the mood of being threatened by wildfires.

7336187
Without the title, I wouldn't have known what to make of this one. On reading the story alone, I would tend to think Pharynx was trying to impersonate Thorax for some purpose. Maybe he disagreed with Thorax and wanted to lead the hive back to its old ways? Maybe he'd killed Thorax for that purpose? Maybe he'd been Thorax all along? (Though canon obviously showed them both in the same place at the same time.)

But taking the title into account, it seems to be more about Pharynx trying to understand his brother. Having that come through in the story's text might have made it stronger, but even so, it's a nice character study that says something interesting about Pharynx in that he even wants to understand Thorax.

7336850
The element missing was the laughter the light the atmosphere of a party essentially that sprang up when Granny Smith came in. Before that all the elements were in place but with that doesn't make a party.

7324318
I like this one allot I find the imagery brought to mind works well with in this short slice of story.

7336850

A few editing mistakes.

But I was so careful! I must have reread it like 40 times already.

If you could point me to any mistakes, that'd be super great.

it raises more questions for me than it answers.

There is a word limit, so...

For one, why would Twilight decide to use this method of teleportation rather than the mirror

Because EG world isn't our world. She couldn't use the mirror. There are no spatial connections between different universes.

especially because of the extraordinary effort involved?

She didn't do it because it was easy. She did it because it was hard.

trips through the mirror that change the travelers' species account for the difference in air chemistry during the transformation?

Nor ponies, nor EG species breathe oxygen. You can only get oxygen in special supernovas. It's entirely possible to have a whole universe without a single oxygen atom.

I'm not sure the human would know that quickly that the air didn't contain oxygen. He'd be able to breathe, but he'd notice a little later something was wrong.

With the smoke and smog, I foreshadowed that the atmospheres were very different.

Try breathing seawater. You'll notice right away that something is very wrong.

Seems like Twilight would know about the different air as well.

The only thing she knew is what Luna told her. And even that were only dreams. Beyond that humans exist, Twilight didn't know much more.

it does abruptly add context to how the human had been behaving.

I'm glad to hear you got that. I was afraid that readers wouldn't connect his behavior with the atmosphere.

7336875
It's not immediately clear that the humans she's trying to contact aren't Equestria Girls ones, and the story doesn't ever say either way. I think you'll find that the majority of readers will assume it's EqG the instant they see "human."

And breathing seawater is very different. It has a much different density. Equestria's air wouldn't be that much different, or lots of things wouldn't work. like them being able to fly. A close analogy would be that if you walked into a room containing only carbon dioxide, you could breathe fine. It'd take you a minute to catch on that something was wrong with the air, because you'd feel like you couldn't catch your breath, would get woozy, might get a headache, etc. You wouldn't know right away, and I don't know that you'd immediately decide there must not be any oxygen there, versus the smoke and smog being toxic, for example.

They have iron in Equestria. I don't know what stellar process is going to produce that but not oxygen. They also have water, though that doesn't guarantee gaseous oxygen will be in the air.

I'll give you a roundup of the few editing mistakes I see, since you asked for one.

but Twilight Sparkle finally figured out a way, “It

If you're going to link narration to a quote with a comma like that, you need a speaking verb.

uttered but one word, “Oxigen!”

Oxygen, and here, the speaking verb already has a direct object that isn't the quotation, so you'd either leave "oxygen" as narration (the comma before it is fine, but you could use a dash or colon as well) or get rid of that extraneous direct object, something like this:

uttered only, “Oxygen!”

7336850
Purpose is tricky with in 150 words, the story as was, was a little bit of a challenge to myself to write something discriptive.
As for the technical point, any thing that flies will become unstable at the extremes of its flight envelope, I give you Neil Armstrong loosing control of the X15 and bouncing off the atmosphere after ballooning to an excessive altitude. The higher the altitude, the higher the stalling speed becomes and the narrower the margin between having lift and not.
My notion behind the story was that a pegasus like Rainbow Dash need to fly under power to stay airborne, like a jet or a falcon , where as an alicorn such as Luna or Cadance, would be able to soar or thermal like a condor or a glider, an area of flight where energy management is critical.
I have some experience in this having flown in a glider a number of times, being winch launched was one of the biggest thrills of my life, supposed to be the closest thing to being chucked off the end of an Aircraft Carrier a civilian can get.

7336934 Thank you. You've improved my story.

7337185
You didn't miss anything. You're aware enough of Radiant Hope to understand her role, and as to other "underutilized characters," I just meant the crystal ponies in general. You don't see many stories with them tagged.

7337185

If ponies don't breathe oxygen, what do they breathe?

Pure ethanol.

Why does the human die after roughly two seconds when humans can survive for approximately three minutes without air before they die?

Alcohol poisoning.

See, that's why he dropped to his knees. He couldn't hold his liquor and lost his balance.

My biggest complaint is that 'oxygen' is spelled with a 'y' rather than an 'i'

It's fixed now. Thanks for pointing that out. I seem to be completely blind to my mistakes. Maybe ponies' atmosphere is seeping to my brain through my imagination. I must remember to use pony in moderation!

Just popping in briefly to say that, due to a few bits of Real Life (nothing exciting or terrible; the most interesting is probably my annual flu jab) I'll be announcing the winner/hon menshes on Sunday this month. That's the 27th, so it should still give plenty of time for the winner to come up with a prompt.

Right, please carry on!

7336850
7337185

Without the title, I wouldn't have known what to make of this one.

Although, after reading Pascoite's review, I wonder if that's what you were going for, or just my interpretation of it?

I've got an explanation for all that, albeit a fairly long-winded one.

Earlier this month, me and BezierBallad discussed an AU concept where Thorax died somehow and Pharynx had to take his place as king. We were intrigued by the potential dynamic of the typically gruff Pharynx struggling to live up to the example his far more outgoing brother set, and though nothing came of it, I wouldn't be surprised if one of us explored the concept further in the future.

This Flashfic isn't tied to that hypothetical AU, per se, but the basic premise certainly owes itself to it (which might explain why it felt like something was missing).

So rest assured, Pharynx did not murder Thorax (although if that's how you want to interpret it, feel free to knock yourself out). He's just reflecting on his differences from Thorax and the rest of the hive, and how its hard for him to relate to them because of that.

I'm unsure if the story conveys that effectively enough (my explanation's longer than the fic itself, after all), but worse comes to worse, pass me a gold star and tell me I tried.
:P

Thanks for the feedback!

7319106
Do love the mystery this one presents makes you want to know more.

7337226
There's nothing wrong with the title being an important part of the puzzle in deciphering flash fiction. The title rarely counts against your word limit, so it's a long-standing trick to provide a little information in it to save yourself the space of having to do so in the story. it can sometimes even effectively serve as the story's first sentence.

7336850
7337185
Since two people gave very different views on my Flashfic, I’ma just do a little thing and post it here.

Not sorry.

My eyes flashed open as I awoke, cold, in a pool of water, a glimmering light above me. My lungs were full of air, though I didn’t know how long that would last as I thrashed my way to the surface.

Everything was so foggy... I... Who am I?

That moment of uncertainty fled as I hit the surface, breathing in fresh air, my mind clearing suddenly.

That’s right. I’m Flash... Flash Sentry. I’m a Royal Guard in the Crystal Empire, serving directly under Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadence, as well as the recently born Flurry Heart.

I came here- “Damnit, it’s cold!” I swore, my coat soaked as I stepped away from the pool, my hoofsteps echoing in the cave it resided in.

I went over to the travel saddle I had shrugged off before diving in, taking out a few blankets to wrap around myself, and hopefully warm up a bit. Underneath where the blankets were, there was a book, pages yellowed with age. ‘Lost Tales Of The Crystal Empire.’

That’s right... I thought. This pool is a lost tale. ‘The Lake Of Frozen Memory.

I came here to forget... Something.

Now it’s frozen.

Now I’m free.

7336850
I'm flattered that my story ended up being your favourite. And it seems like you got everything out of it that I wanted: imagery, dark atmosphere, asking questions. I do have a definitive answer for what exactly happened—something I may elaborate on if I choose to expand this story—but it felt more appropriate to leave it ambiguous, since that's more or less how it is for Cadance in the story, too. She doesn't even realize that anything happened, let alone what, so it seemed in fitting with the mood.

7337185
Aw, you're making me blush over here, haha! I'm glad you liked my little story so much. I've been keeping an eye on these competitions for the past little while in case inspiration ever struck me, and this just happened to be the first prompt that compelled me to write something. Now that I have a taste for it, though, I may have to join in on these more frequently. Creating a satisfying story in such a short space is a very interesting challenge, and I'm always up for a challenge!

As far as writing an expanded version, I can't say I'm not tempted! I'll have to think on it a bit longer to figure out the best way to approach a longer version of this, but I wouldn't be too surprised if I posted it as a one-shot at some point in the future.

7337227
Thanks! That's precisely what I was hoping to evoke.

7337121
The X-15 was not that stable an aircraft, plus it's an engineered thing, not an evolved one, so it's going to differ a whole lot in its tendencies. I know this stuff. My day job is an aerospace engineer.

7338034
I’d like to say that was my plan from the beginning, but really, who’d believe I’m that smart?

Nah, I came up with it after reading your comments about my story. Let’s just say Flash had a bad experience with Twilight.

KwirkyJ upon the fire gasoline throws!

Atmosphere!, by 7316933

A clever idea marred by not following the reality of oxygen deprivation. The quote in the first paragraph is curious -- why is it a quotation?

Hang On, by 7317089

I wish this were longer, to give us the reader more images and senses to work with. Other than that, solid work.

Dark, by 7317134

I've done stuff like this before, but it's really difficult to invest because it is very unclear what is going on. Also, as others noted, the panoply of single-line paragraphs (mobile screens might wrap?) make it difficult to track important breaks.

Wake Up Lyro, The Matrix Has You..., by 7317177

Quick (loving?) dig at the old Lyra-loves-humans meme.

7336850
The word count is really what got to me. Really not much more than that. I had hoped to sell "Lyra is an idiot, Bon Bon is the straight mare with very limited willingness to humor her friend" from the word go, apparently with mixed success. (Yes, Lyra raises valid philosophical points, but the way she's going about it at the very least is moronic.)

7337185
Regarding the title, my thinking at the time was to move it closer to the original 'Neo', and further rationalized with the in-world name and her 'hacker name' (Mr. Anderson : Neo :: Lyra Heartstrings : Lyro). In retrospect, the title is clear: You Think That's Cake You're Eating?

Hell Hath No Fury Like..... (Adaptation), by 7317353

I'd suggest moving POV more soundly into Spike. As written, the presentation seems very detached, which I don't think is what you want -- you want Twilight detached. Tangential, Spike's words and actions seem particularly self-interested, which may or may not be your intent.

Also, an ellipsis is three periods, not five; the title is odd for it.

The Finishing Touch, by 7318784

Again, formatting and punctuation issues...

So the 'missing ingredient' was the one for whom the party was being thrown? I'm a bit confused.

Vanishing Point, by 7319106

This is super effective.

<untitled entry>, by 7321749

The idea is solid, but some of the presentation doesn't work for me. Comma splice, '...when it rained, she was a pegasus...'. 'An explosion in backwards order.' 'heralded its impulsive partner.' The span from 'But even a pegasus ... sat down on the bench'. Please space your paragraphs.

Luna's First Trip to a Nightclub, by 7322638

Light and silly, leading up to a tried-and-true pun. Check your style guide on the correct use of ellipses.

Crack, by 7324318

Another solidly-constructed entry that can only work in this super-short format. Point off for abuse of hyphens.

Play Date, by 7328528

There's nothing clearly at stake here, and it isn't obvious how her father's permission is related to the knock 'by chance' of the princess (or if the knock would have happened regardless, though she just couldn't have gone out?). Still, interesting bit of world-building in a surreal situation... arguably, mirroring our own in some ways.

From a Great Height, by 7331739

That must have been a Tartarus of a thermal, just saying...

Catch, by 7333252

It took me a bit to place why this felt so low-stakes: you don't introduce the real source of anxiety for several lines. Consider opening with "Where was/is Lightning Dust? Where?", rather than burying it several lines in.

Autumn Snow, by 7334751

The tone of this is all over the place, weakening its impact, I think, and that's all I have to say about that. Spaces on both sides (or not at all) around the en-/em-dash stand-ins (your double-hyphens).

I Couldn't Be You, by 7336187

I never took this for a 'Thorax is dead' or 'I wish to masquerade as Thorax' story... Rather, it occurs to me more as -- as the tile suggests -- trying to earnestly compare oneself against someone perceived as being very different. Some insight into why would be welcome, here, but its absence doesn't weaken this story as presented, in my opinion.

7339565
It was more the party atmosphere that was missing. The party was all set and ready but not underway. I think Pinkie being the detailed party thrower that she is might suffer with the little pangs of anxiety if her party would work or not. Until the guest arrived and the party atmosphere kicks in she might be as nervous as Rarity over her dresses or Twilight over her letters to Celestia.

7339565
The filly doesn't need her dad's permission, of course. Well, she would, because she couldn't go out without it, but her asking him at the moment is obviously a non-starter, since she can't go yet. That's just her being impatient. As to what's at stake, I was hoping the "I waited years" would communicate her urgency. The "by chance" is the timing of it, not that there was a knock at all.

7339565

I'd suggest moving POV more soundly into Spike. As written, the presentation seems very detached, which I don't think is what you want -- you want Twilight detached. Tangential, Spike's words and actions seem particularly self-interested, which may or may not be your intent.

My intent was just to get across that Twilight was using the book as a form of a barricade to hide behind. Where the less we see of her face, the more reserved and colder she is from Spike's attempts for redemption (on what exactly... I couldn't really pick one).

Also, an ellipsis is three periods, not five; the title is odd for it.

To me, the number of periods in an ellipsis means the same thing no matter the amount, it only indicates the length of a pause.

7339565
Yeah, on mobile it does wrap.

7316933 7317089 7317134 7317177 7317353 7318784 7319106 7321749 7322638 7324318 7328528 7331739 7333252 7334751 7336187

Hello everyone. Results time! Yet again you lot made it absurdly difficult, and I went back and forth several times before arriving at my final decision. Getting on with it, though:

Hon mensh 1: Pascoite -- I've always rather liked Radiant Hope, which didn't do your fic any harm! Both fascinating and haunting, and something I could easily see being turned into a full-length fic about this part of the Crystal Empire's missing years.

Hon mensh 2: ArgonMatrix -- An impressive FF150 debut! Certainly very atmospheric (tick!) with an interesting setup (tick!) but I must admit I found the shadowy obscurity just a little too much. That's very much in "personal preference" territory, though, and it was only a minor niggle.

Winner: Astrarian -- My views on this are pretty much identical to Pascoite's. Exciting, tense, feelsy and -- of course -- atmospheric. It's set in the atmosphere, too!

So, congratulations to all three, and especially to Astrarian.

Astrarian, please think of a prompt for the October contest, and post it in this thread when you're ready. It's fine to take a day or two to think things over if you wish.

Feedback remains open if anyone wishes to carry on with that.

7340988
Thank you! I'm happy it worked for people. Thanks for the feedback also, gang.

Wasting no time: how about "Rising Star" for our next prompt?

7339743
The number of periods in an ellipsis does mean something. Three means it's correct.

7316933

I remember reading a comment of yours over one of these months that you have the main character die at the end of your stories. While the human seemed like a secondary character and the victim of dark humor, I often find stories with the central star dying a lazy way out for the writer. It's like saying, "Indiana Jones stole the golden idle and ran for the exit, dodging traps like... like... eh f it. He slipped on a banana peel and gets impaled by a bed of spikes" which comes off as half baked to me.

That's just my two cents on the matter, but I can still find some humor in this dark turn of events. I can see Twilight tapping the human and saying "Well... waste not, want not. Time for a dissection!" followed by the sound of a chainsaw.

7317089

As someone who's had the displeasure of working at a fast food joint, I can understand the issues we have with garbage and how it piles up easily (so much wasted food o_o).

I can't help but get a feeling though that this story is also inspired by Animal Crossing somehow (maybe it's the island part), but the ending has a cute innocence to it.

7317134

From what I'm gathering... an individual is caught in a snowstorm and is slowly succumbing to hypothermia with death as their final destination.

I had to describe drowning once, the process of writing it appears similar to your flashfic as it's a slow invasion of an element overtaking a body that's fighting a losing battle. Your story expresses this well with detailed long sentences that begin to become vague and shorter over time.

It doesn't explain much of the character's history that led to this, but the experience they're going through comes across, which I find is what really matters here.

7317177

As one who has animated before, I've always felt that I was a little bit of a god over the things I've made. It's funny that Lyra seems to be aware of this fact, but what she isn't aware of is that I could just as easily destroy too. Still, it got me to smile.

7317353

Wait wait wait, you're telling me that you wanted to have this theme because you've had a grudge over what some Neanderthal said for more than 3 and a half years now?

....dude...there's something wrong with you.

7318784

While the fic was effective and simple, it does have a lot of apostrophes, commas, and quotation/question marks missing that would help sell this story.

I'm not entirely certain on how your process goes when writing, but I often place my stories through various grammar and spelling check programs like Google Docs or even Ginger at times. Even after posting, I still find myself having to edit my work to fix anything that appears off to me. I even listen to it through the site's robotic voice reader (even though it can get on my nerves).

The point I'm trying to get across is that we're bound to overlook things, so I suggest on working your stories through some of these ways in order to make a more structured tale for our readers to grasp, follow, and enjoy.

7319106

One of the 'side-things' I'm trying to make in my Final Fantasy crossover is a kind of endearing connection that Shining has with Cadance as he's off to save Equestria. There's the simple conversation he has with his team involving her, but when they're together, I have lines like "The two of them enjoy a comforting moment of being together in silence," or "He looks over his shoulder, feeling the vibration of Cadance's voice as she has her head on his back."

When I read this story of yours and compare how we handle these two in our own way, I feel like my ShiningXCadance diallage would be considered as mere puppy love if you were freed from the 150 word restriction.

7321749

Funny story about me when I was a toddler and went to Disney World. It was when I was waiting in line for a ride, I think, and it began raining. People took cover, but I enjoyed myself be running back and forth in a long puddle. While kids wanted to join and being refused by their parents, my mom was recording the whole thing.

Dare I say, I might've enjoyed that puddle more than the ride itself. So I guess what I'm saying is that I can relate to Tornado Bolt in a way.

7322638

*Reads story*
*Reads reviews for it*
*Reads story again*
*Scratches head*

I don't get it.

I know it's a joke off the prompt, but that's what I'm getting at-most-here.

7324318

Had a feeling you would take it in this route, a flight within an aircraft (don't know why, just seems up your ally).

To top it off, combining the location and emotion helps stay true to the prompt.

Outside of that, I really don't know what to say. It's describing an intense moment that's cracking under pressure.

7328528

I'm a little bit lost on this one, but I think I'm grasping at what's happening. Radiant, who I know nothing about, is protecting the foals within the Crystal Empire from... something (Umbras perhaps?)

Anyway, I'm getting a sense that this was inspired by COVID-19. It doesn't really answer or solve any issues on the topic, but as I said in the prelude to my entry this month, I enjoy symbolism.

7331739

This one reminds just like TCC56's, a story that gets across the surrounding and experience, but you've taken it to a more calmer approach. Like you're trying to paint an image of a feed from a satellite shots.

It paints a picture, but I think it could go bit further somehow. I don't think I'm best qualified on how to design a sentence to make it sell, but I just feel like there could be more.

7333252

I often wonder what it would be like if we were able to provide music for our entries. Your entry, with a hectic storm full of surprises that end with spotting a falling comrade and racing to catch them, leads me to believe that this would be best suited for your story...

Aaand now I feel like we can throw in a tornado and debris for Dash to dodge.

7334751

I'm noticing a theme with this one. The approach, the unfolding, and the aftermath. All with 'autumn snow' in the last portion of their paragraph. But I'm afraid that's all I'm getting.

There are a few moments at times, it feels like it's building into a rhyme.
But something makes it lose its grace, making it feel very out of... order.

The brain likes to make sense of things and to be able to predict the next word is just one of those things.

7336187

I think it works as an "atmospheric" sense. It's honestly the sense I've been most looking forward to, the 'mood' kind.

It's a simple story, but it does tickle the fact that Changelings would actually fit quite well with the prompt. I'm surprised you're the only one that took hold of this opportunity on that fact.

Well, that took a while. I tell ya, work wasn't fun this month (had to work 64 hours two weeks ago), so I'm a bit late on the reviews. But it does give me a chance to say congratulations to 7341107 before I forget.

Rising Star... why does that sound so distinctive to me? A weapon? A song? Hmm... I'll think about it and try something crafty, perhaps. Which leads me to say...

7341108

It's called, 'Artistic Licensing'. Where I play by no one's rules but my own.

7341139
Artistic license is all well and good, but when it's indistinguishable from a mistake (assuming the author even realizes it's a mistake), then it's no better than one.

7339743
Perhaps I could have been more precise: a formal ellipsis is three periods, and some style guides stipulate spaces between them. Note my wording: I said your title was odd, which is not necessarily the same as wrong. Bending and breaking the 'rules of writing' is a storied and colorful enterprise -- but it is a good idea to be aware of the rules in such situations, and the consequences (i.e., effects) of such infractions.

Tangential: