Hey, I just realized I did five today.

...

You other reviewers still keeping up? I haven't even broken a sweat yet. I think it's because I'm incredible, but I'm not quite sure. I might have transitioned into amazing. I never can tell.

4226431 Don't make me repeat my laughter of DOOM!!!

BUT, you do do great work. Keep it up!

I claim reviewing Improbable Truth!

It's currently 50,000 words, and I want to do a review of the full story, so it may take me a while. However, from the Prologue and the three chapters I've read so far, I'll probably decide on Accepting it.

4226431

I've read 12,600 words today. If you're reading the lower word count stories, then I'll assume 3000 per fic, which gives about 15,000 words.

12,600 is pretty close to 15,000. I might catch up.

Reviewed How did I even End Up Here?

Rejecting

Okay, goodie. First time I've read Polyamory since Twilight interrupted my AppleDash fic (still pissed at her for that, btw... it was about to git gud) but I actually kind of enjoyed this one. Mostly because the first half was really fun to discover alongside Ruby. I mean, every time I wake up in compromising situations, it's pretty much like this.

I wish the story kept on that way. Once we started to get answers, it became less fun, and my interest waned a lot. It became less about discovering the weird situation Ruby was in and more about being told who these stallions were, and it was a lot more boring. How I wish the story kept on keeping Ruby (and me) guessing right 'till the end. I think I may have favourited it if it did.

As it is, it isn't bad, but the first half is definitely better, in my opinion. The answers to all our questions are delivered rather uninterestingly, and whilst there's no real cringe-worthy exposition, I think it could have been better.

But what I'm really failing the story for is just some basic editors work. There's a few things in there that are in need of looking at, and whilst there's not as much as I was afraid of, I'd really like for it to get looked at before I let it in. A few of the things that bugged me are listed below:

nothing wrong with that. I thought and groaned into the white mane,

Both of them were in a way, cuddling with me during the time while we slept

They however, seem to have plenty of experience of this.

Um… hi I’m Ruby Song

stumble upon to decent stallions and you buck everything up immediately

“Yeah, I guess so.’’ he admitted

They just kept me from fully enjoying some bits of it, I guess, and could use looking at. As for the conclusion, well, I'm actually very satisfied with Ruby's leap in logic. It's well presented and I think it works well. The author has done a decent job of making her want to stay with this pair, even though they've arrived in weird, weird circumstances. It felt natural, even though if you went up and told me the bare bones of what happened, I'd probably look at you a little weirdly.

So, there you go. A bit too much explaining in the second half, and a few things an editor should look over. Nothing too serious, and the latter is an easy fix, so do give me a ring when you're done with 'em.

4228792 Well, I did only give this three days, so again. I didn't expect too much from it xD

And thank you for your feedback :) I guess I could've handled the questions better, or getting to know Bolt and Cloud.

And thank you for those quotes, perhaps proofreading it for once would help I hope I can fix them. (Though, I cannot really edit too much, due to a sequel which is 15K Words atm xD)

I'll try to fix the quotes, though.

Edit: The text in your quoted should hold a higher quality now.

Reviewed more than a simple smile

rejecting

This is a story about Maud and her boyfriend cuddling. And tickling each other. And then—

Gratuitous porn attack!

Sorry, Seth. It's a nice clop story, but we're not looking for that here.

Forgive me for the nag

--BUT THE SUSPENSE IS BURNING MAH D:
Yay or neigh?

4231961

If you keep picking at it, it'll never heal.

4231961 Paragraph formatting typically falls under two different types, both of which are detailed in the writing guide in the FAQ of this site.

What's important is indentation/paragraph spacing. Both is possible too. I've just rechecked your story, and everything is indented, and it's wonderful. But...

Why are some paragraphs spaced out and others not? Some paragraphs get a line in between, and good for them, I guess, but why don't others? What is this chaos?!

It's not that you can't tell the paragraphs apart (which is the important bit) but it... just doesn't compute. I don't understand why it's there.

Anyway, since all paragraphs are clear, I'll have it in immediately... but I'm still confused as to what you were thinking. Is this like a different country's formatting or something?

4232412 First of all: Thank-you very much for accepting my work ^.^

Now, as for my paragraphing. When I read that very same writing guide (when I joined) I read that:

Paragraphs don’t have to be a certain minimum or maximum length. A single sentence can be its own paragraph. A paragraph can also, technically, be as many sentences long as you want, but you’ll usually find that it’s time to start a new one when you get past seven or eight.

The general idea is this:

One idea per paragraph.

I like to keep the literary devices in my writing compact. When I was writing the story, in most cases of this, I figured: 'I'd like to isolate this line for dramatic effect/impact'. So, I'm guessing, this is what's caused you some dicombobulation in reading it?
Of course, I start a new line for a new speaker too --so that may have played a part in it as well, I guess.

Ah, nonetheless. Thanks again ^.^

4155530

Sassaflash (finally, a pony with a name similar to Scootaloo... not all ponies have to be called Moonlight Serenity or Mystnote Magic) getting out of bed because she's late for work.

Um... you realize Sassaflash is a canon name of a pony, right? It wasn't a brilliant OC name.

4234416

Um... you realize Sassaflash is a canon name of a pony, right? It wasn't a brilliant OC name

He never said she was an OC.

She's cute as hell though.

4234440
By comparing Sassaflash's name to two obviously OC names, and acting like it was a relief that it didn't fall into the two part name trope, it seemed like an indication that he thought it was a nice OC name.

(Sassaflash is cute, but always reminds me of the SS... partly the name, partly the lightning bolt cutiemark.)

4234449 the thing that bugs me personally, is the fact there are tons of established canon pony names you can refrence instead of some of the really outlandish oc names people create. I try to avoid OCs but the few I've used are background, or supportive characters with names that feel like they can blend in with canon titles.

Aka:
Bronze Feather a female royal guard in training.
Silken Flight a female bat pegasi, Luna’s Spymaster.

Just my 2 cents

At the time I read the story I wasn't aware she was canon, but I did check up on her whilst doing the review. I was more making a point about some very overdone OC names, but upon rereading what I said, I phrased that pretty poorly.

But really, how often have you see these in an OC name?

Dusk, Crescent, Moon, Shine, Star, Glimmer, Bright, Light, Dark

I've actually turned my life into a giant drinking game. Everytime you read one of these words in an MLP fanfic that's not already in a canon name, you have to drink until your life is ruined.

4234416
4234440
4234629

Reviewed It's just another day

Rejecting

I have a rather serious problem with this story, and it's confusing the hell out of me. This is a story about a Zombie Apocalypse... but instead of treating it like the end of the world, it's actually rather light hearted, like the invasion isn't even there. It wasn't played up for laughs so much as played straight, which interestingly enough made it funnier, in my opinion. The objective of the story is well and truly achieved: to treat such a dark event like it's just another day, and every second that's addressed, it was enjoyable.

But.

The actual content of the story is remarkably divided. On one hand, we have the everyday life of the ponies, and it's pretty entertaining to read. On the other hand, we have Rarijack.

First off, let's get all that shipper bias out in the air. Lay all our cards on the table. My story library is here, and yeah, I don't ship it, or ever will. Fine, I'm no Rarijack shipper: the air is clear. But, whatever my thoughts on the matter, it seemed oddly out of place here... like it started out as an afterthought and then exploded into the full focus of the story.

The reason this bugs me is because it made neither aspect of the story fit. Treating the apocalypse like a trip to the supermarket was a great idea, but the romance subplot/overplot overshadowed it. It was too out of the ordinary (being a romance, these things kind of attract attention) to fit the tone of the story, and distracted me from the very essence of the story. On the other hand, the romance gets derailed by all the stuff going on in the background. I can't really focus on either.

If the romance had just been a subplot, an afterthought, it wouldn't have been so distracting. If the romance was at the fore, and there wasn't the zombie apocalypse, it would have stood out as it's own thing. I guess it didn't help that the romance aspect of it was neither advertised, nor did it really tie into the overall theme or events in the story. It... was just confusing, and I didn't like it.

That said, any Rarijacker would doubtless enjoy the addition and it's treated fairly well as a romance, since we get plenty of dialogue and stuff. It's not very original, perhaps, but I can't get too mad... after all, I'm pretty sure it was meant to be a subplot... But it's so oddly out of place I don't feel I can properly condone it.

So, really it comes down to me having to decide which element 'wins' over the other: the odd conflict of themes, or the interest of reading a story about a casual zombie apocalypse. I do stand by what I said about it being entertaining: the first half, before we got into the whole obstrusive romance, really was quite fun. Each character was themselves, and it was great to read. Grammar was fine, and aside from a gripe I have with Ah-ing from Applejack, there really weren't that many overt problems.

I guess, though, that since the second half takes up such a large portion of the story, I don't think I can overlook it. If the story was longer, and took the time to properly integrate that aspect in, this wouldn't be a problem. But here, it feels like the story lacks a lot of focus. Attention shifts from one thing to the other, and it's stopping me from fully appreciating the story.

That's my reasoning anyhow.

4234730 That's a drinking game I can't play well. Two coke and rums and I'm drunk, three and I'm ready to pass out. Not a lot of rum for drinking until you ruin your life, eh?

4234925 Same, but it's never stopped me before.

It goes without saying I wake up in strange places a lot. Student life, amirite?

Reviewed Sometimes

Rejecting

I actually had the pleasure of reviewing this one, briefly, for a short contest on another group. I had to compare it to a comedy... imagine how hard that would be. This here is a sad story about Fluttershy having to say goodbye to one of her animal companions. 'Cause it died.

It was a very touching story, and though I was sad to conclude that I preferred the comedy over this one, I'm glad to see that it's become a story in it's own right. It's a side of Fluttershy I think speaks best of her character: I mentioned earlier how Fluttershy is my least favourite of the six. Well, this is something that I think puts her in her best light, and not just by making her come off as angelically kind.

This sort of scenario makes it clear how hard it is to have that kindness and that selfless connection she forms cut. It's one of the greatest testaments of Fluttershy's courage there is, in my opinion, and I do like seeing it tackled.

Unfortunatlely, though, the story was originally half this length. Whilst I think it needs more 'meat' to become a story in it's own right, not just a short for a compilation (which was the prize of the contest) I think that the stuff added here takes away more than it adds.

Since the story is very short, it needs a lot of impact to carry it. Unfortunately, the beginning gave away a lot of what the story was about. It gave away what had happened, it gave away a lot of Fluttershy's feelings too early, and it softened the blow for Fluttershy. Short though it is, the original prompt had much more impact: we discovered what was going on, and it made for a pretty heart-wrenching revelation. Whilst that's still present, it's less present. Instead of discovering what goes on, it's far more obvious from the get-go.

In a longer story, even of around 2K words, this may not have been an issue, as we'd have a lot more time to connect with Flutters during her trial. As it is, though, the content of the story can't accommodate too much length, and at 1K words, maximizing the shock from the scene is an absolute must for it to work.

The stuff that's added isn't bad, though: I just think it's in the wrong place. The part where Angel is comforting Fluttershy would have been perfect during the second half, not the first. Instead of setting up the emotion I'm supposed to feel, it'd maximize it, and I think that's what this story needs.

I get that this is probably very vague, but if Gumball has any further questions, do let me know. I think some of the scenes would be better off rearranged to keep the readers guessing and discover what's going on alongside Fluttershy. An easy trick might be to do this from Angel's perspective, so to speak: Angel, not knowing what's happened, would learn of what's happening and then react to Fluttershy's own sadness, or some such. Just an idea, and the first one that came to mind.

angel.To

4234930 I was a very boring student. Didn't discover drinking until I was 27 or so at my sisters wedding. Now that I'm on my weekend off however, I think I will look for some fun, cause it's been a long week. Ugh.

Reviewed of Blankflanks and Blockheads

Rejecting

I'd like to stress that i found this one pretty fun and entertaining. It's a story where Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon try to make it as psychiatrists. It's based of some show/book/thing I've never heard of and a scene in the comics I have heard of, and it makes for some entertaining scenes.

I think what's most entertaining is the difference in how they're forced to act (being psychiatrists) and how they act when not being under scrutiny. But there are hints of the characters learning from what they're going through, and I think there is a fair bit of conflict: it's not just senseless DT and SS do psychiatry.

However, there are a few too many technical issues for me to let this in for the moment, and I'd love for Sorcerer to take a look at some of them and get back to me at a later date. First, there's some writing errors:

watch back and forth." Silver Spoon

Cheerilee said. Cheerilee was surprised.

(repetition is unnecessary)

But noo!

Nothing...nothing

asked me to barrow this without

But there aren't too many of those. What there are a lot of are some sentences that feel like they need more to them, or move too quickly. I've included a few examples below:

Diamond then "accidentally" removed the stool Silver was sitting on.

Silver Spoon as she saw a unicorn filly trot across the road.

Diamond noticed this and immediately realized what she had done. She made her best friend cry. "I-I'm sorry, Silver. It's just...I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. Can you forgive me?" Diamond asked.

Out of context they don't mean much, but when you read them in the story, these are sentences that deliver an idea without that much build-up and throw the pacing into overdrive for just a moment. It can be quite disorienting. Take the first one, for example: What would have really helped would be writing in the effects of this action, like describing Silver falling, instead of brushing past the issue. Since the story isn't visual, we need to have this shown to us. It helps clarification and pacing.

All in all, though, I don't think this was a bad story, and I even upvoted. But I'd really like to have some of these issues looked at or addressed before I let it into the bin.

Reviewed When Life Gives You Lemons

Accepting

This has been a nice day.

And by nice, I mean it was pretty terrible, but it had some ups and downs. Let's look at things from my perspective. I get up, do nothing until lunch, do nothing, do some mechanics exercises (I'd explain which ones but I don't want to and I'd need diagrams) and then I have a headache so bad one of my eyes stops working. The right one. S'like my favourite.

Anyway, it's midnight now, and I decided to review this story. A story about lemons. I saw the random tag, I saw the description, and yeah, I was pretty sure this was going to be some stupid trollfic or something.

I had no idea.

This is a story about lemons turning up on everyone's doorstep and everyone does things with them. It's so ridiculously simple I think it's actually brilliant. No, really, if you look in my favourites list, you will find this story. It's just so nonchalant and natural in how it shows every character do their thing, but doesn't forget about the premise in the first place.

Each section is paced perfectly, almost symetrically, if you can say that about a story. Each character gets a certain amount of time and it's never too much or too little. I'd argue that it may be too organized, and that it becomes formulaic, but really, it doesn't overstay it's welcome. I can't stress how normal the characters feel: everything they do is just them. It's not some deep insight to their characters, it's not a magnificent portrayal of how they act, but sweet spigots if that isn't Rarity using lemons as inspiration for her new clothes line.

I think where things started to come apart for me was the ending, which was had too much going in too little time. It's paced too fast and really needs to slow down:

Lemon Torte shouted up to the cloaked figure. "Lemon Meringue, get down from there!"

"But mo-om!"

"I said get down from there!" The cloaked figure muttered as she climbed down from the roof. A mix of laughter and awing came up from the crowd.

"Lemon Meringue, I was so worried about you!" Torte let out a few tears as she was reunited with her daughter.

The story ends only a few lines later. I dunno', but talking down a kid from a roof is the sort of thing you may want to add an extra line in there for, especially after doing such a decent job for the rest. But even if it was paced correctly, why was this part necessary?

You had your individual stories for each of the characters. Each short was basically a three act structure: Balance, before the character finds the lemons, imbalance when they're wondering what to do with them, and then balance again when they've figured it out. They were each stories in their own right and it was a genuine treat for me to see each of them deal with something so trivial in their own way. But this last bit felt tackled on and even broke the pattern. I guess I just didn't like it.

But I'm willing to overlook it because, like I said, the rest is astoundingly enjoyable for slice-of-life lovers. I think it's one of those stories you have to be in a bit of a mindset to really enjoy, though, but if you're a fan of the characters being themselves (like myself, althought there definitely is a place for Rainbow Dash going all gooey for Applejack too) then this is a little something I'd recommend wholeheartedly.

There was one grammar thing I caught on my first read through, but if one is all I can find, I think we're good. The ending really is too fast paced though, like I said.

accidentally create a sticky mess

Reviewed Combat Training

Rejecting

This is another case of this not being a bad story, but rather a story that doesn't make itself memorable.

It's about a guard, named Ace, who's doing some combat training against some robot things. It's all quite well written and the fight scene is probably enjoyable to anyone who enjoys fight scenes. The problem is, that's it. She finishes the training, has a quick discussion with another pony, and then we cut to Celestia and Luna talking.

There's not much to say, really, since so little happens. The whole story is more or less one big scene, filled with fighting. If I were to take anything away from the story, it'd be that Ace is really good at fighting. She doesn't want to achieve anything other than completing her exercise. It'd be as if the Sonic Rainboom episode was just about Rainbow doing tricks in front of the crowd, and forgetting the whole aspect of her getting stage fright, and overcoming her anxieties to save her friends and idols.

The fights scenes really are quite well written, and if you enjoy fight scenes then this is one story I would definitely recommend, but as a balanced all rounder, it doesn't do much. Maybe if this was a scene in a larger story, introducing the character or tying in to an overall conflict or something. On it's own, it's just eye-candy.

Reviewed Skittish

Accepting

This was another very nice story from JMac, this time tackling a ghost story. This particular ghost story is about the death of a shy pony named Rosemond, told from the perspective of miss Dusty, a caretaker of a cemetery.

It's really quite an entertaining story, if a little predictable for me. You can kind of sense what direction the story is going to go, but that's not too much of a bad thing, really. It kind of added a sense of inevitability for me, and it didn't make the journey any less enjoyable. And if someone can't figure out the ending ahead of time, well, then they get the benefit of a fun surprise.

There really isn't much that's done wrong. The characters (mostly fillies and schoolkids) are nice and believable, and are certainly fun to read. Dusty herself wasn't my favourite, but even she was nice and quite a decent storyteller.

The story is paced well, too, with one exception (which I will get to). It starts with the schoolkids arrival, and slowly builds up momentum before arriving at our final conclusion. We get to see different members of the Chalk family who have died in suitably grizzly scenarios, but we stop just shy of it being repetitive. Really, it's just the ending that threw me, but it's a minor detail when you consider it in the whole of the story:

“Hay, you kids! Just what do you think you’re doing?!” It was a very angry groundskeeper with a lantern. Cheerilee and Big Mac were with him. “How did you get in here, anyway?”

This groundskeeper came out way too quickly for my tastes, and I wouldn't have minded a bit more time for the realization to sink in. The ending wraps up just a bit too quickly, I think, but like I said, it's a small nitpick to make on such an otherwise really entertaining story. Still, if I'm to be thorough...

There's not much for me to get angry at here, and I'm glad for that. The story is short, doesn't overstay it's welcome, but is very effective in explaining exactly what happens and telling itself without going too quickly or slowly (minus the end). It's an easy story to like, in my opinion.

4238247

Yeah, I'm not sure if I would actually call that fic a story. It was more me just trying to see how well I could write a fight scene.

4238861 Well, in your defence, it did that quite well. Very well, in fact. Maybe dragged on a bit too much for my tastes, but still, good show.

4238877

Thanks!

I was actually thinking of cutting some parts, but I tried adding some more emotion from the main character instead. It might not have worked perfectly. In any case, I feel like I now know how to make some decent fight scenes for any future stories.

4238985 Emotion is very important, I think, for a fight scene. If the characters involved don't care about it, why should I? That said, you don't need that much of it, just a little to keep you going.

4239024

Yup.

Also, on a different note, reviewing longer fics is hard. I finished reviewing/summarizing the other 8 of the ~5000 word chapters in ~7 hours today with a few short breaks, and now I have to go back through my ~13 pages of review material and compare and contrast things, and then form a final document. (That's ~100 WPM, but I was writing at the same time.)

I might postpone my next session of work to Monday or Tuesday, as I have some projects due in school. I think I want to review the longer fics from now on though.

Reviewed The Explorers of Stomp

Rejecting

In a semi-lit office stands beige unicorn

Oh, it's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?

Yup, okay. I don't feel the need to point out all the grammar errors in here, but there are a few. I'm including three, just to highlight my point.

Switching out between the multiple tools on her desk, the only thing seeming out of place is a small harp.

She speaks with a traditional Efrican accent, getting straight to the point she says "Brisk Iron

Then Brisk Iron will tell all you need.

each caliper and file and loupe had its own custom-fit slot.

(okay, that last one isn't a grammar thing, but it is very uncomfortable to read)

Really, the whole story should be read aloud or get itself an editor for phrasing and grammar alone. But since I'm here to be thorough...

The characters. Each one of them is introduced by giving them a quick description and then I'm supposed to remember each one. The problem is, is that if this were a movie or cartoon, then a physical description is fine: we'd get to see them and our minds remember the shapes. But reading this:

an oddly colored zebra, being mostly a soft shade of pink with bright green stripes, and blonde mane and tail styled in cornrows.

is impossible for me to remember. The story needs to take a lot more time to make each character stand out. I couldn't even properly follow what's going on on my first read-through, because I couldn't remember who the characters were and what was going on. Any good introduction needs to give the character the spotlight, focus the scene on the character, instead of just have them enter a room, get given a description, and then just be part of the scene.

The pacing needs a lot of work. Like I said, I couldn't follow what was going on, and I still have a hard time pinpointing exactly what went wrong because we go from place to place so quickly. One minute we're in an office, the next we've gone through a set of maze-like passages. It's all so fast and confusing, I have no real idea if there was a good idea for a story there or not.

You know we have an extrapolated replica of the Canterkythera Mechanism on display here at the museum,

Wh-what?

I think this is the first time this has happened. I can't tell if it's the champagne I've just drank or if the story is getting to me, but I have no idea what's going on. I think that the entire chapter might just be dedicated entirely to introducing the characters, and at the very end we get teased with the promise of a quest, and in all fairness, that's a solid structure. Introduce characters, then go on to story.

But here, the characters are introduced so haphazardly that I can't remember who they are, what they're like, or how they got from place to place. It's a mess I can't properly understand, and it's making reviewing this story properly difficult.

I think that the story needs to be looked at in a big way: take each character, introduce them properly, and memorably, and go over the grammar, pacing, and paragraphing another time. This really is a confusing story and if you were to ask me what's happening at a given point, I don't think I'd be able to answer, and that should not happen. It's like diving into Discord's cereal: I don't understand.

The characters aren't develloped properly either: they don't have much personalities and are more or less interchangeable (outside of their own special skills). They're appearance doesn't make them unique either. Their personalities need to make them unique, and we don't see enough of them.

Not much else to say. I think that there's a lot of work that needs to be done on this story before I can maybe give some proper advice, but for now, make it not confusing.

4241720 If you're having trouble with longer stories, bear in mind that little problems in larger stories tend to be less of a problem than a little problem in a one-shot. What's really a problem for long stories is recurring problems or plot points that are done poorly (like the beginning, or a major event). Also, if it becomes blatantly obvious that a story can't meet our requirements (if, for instance, the beginning has so many problems the rest of the story will suffer for it) then you might as well stop then and there but if someone comes around and asks that the rest of the story might impact on the decision, then we kinda' have to go back and read the whole thing anyway.

Ooh, Twisalis! Never read one of these before.

I tend to have a big problem in Villain ships, because, well, they make the least sense of almost all the ships out there. I mean, you can say that Octascratch makes about as much sense as drinking a bottle of wine with the cork still in, but at least they're not trying to kill each other. Still, I am open to the idea, and it could probably even be a lot of fun if done right, and since Chrysalis isn't even trying to steal mai waifu Rainbow Dash, I may even enjoy this one.

Reviewing A Queen's Love: a Twisalis Story

Finished reviewing the first chapter of A Queen's Love.

Rejecting

As far as I'm concerned, the first chapter is in such dire need of reworking, the rest of the story may well be a masterpiece as far as I'm concerned. As a first impression to a long, multi-chapter story, this is both confusing and lazy.

It's confusing because plot points are introduced without warning (like this 'taint') and it's lazy because the story doesn't bother setting up the situation it's in. Such as the Chrylight shipping: it's not set up. It's just 'expected'.

The chapter begins with heavy exposition:

I am Ao the changeling. But Ao wasn’t always me… I was once trapped in the form of Tidal Rider, a blue pegasus stallion with a brown and black mane, i had a cutie mark of a white and blue wave with a wing upon it.

Some of the way the sentences are phrased are clumsy and need looking at:

I loved my Queen, I strove to become one of her top guards just for that reason.

I tried to remind my fellow warriors of their Queen! We had a new Queen, her name was Foals Errand.

“Why are you here Ao?”

“I wanted to be forgotten, I wanted you to live your lives without worrying about me, yet I should have known better…”

But really, poor phrasing is the least of this story's problems. I get the impression that the story is trying to set a very epic tone. Whilst that's a respectable goal, it needs to be set up properly. Observe the following:

“The core of the Primal taint of the changelings resides within me. Until now it manifested itself as us feeding from love. But with my failure in Canterlot, it awakened. If I don’t seal myself it will consume all of the changelings, but even if you defeat me it will infect you like the parasite it is.”

That ^^^ is the sort of thing you have to take a bit more time to introduce. It comes off as a plot device, and needs to be integrated more seamlessly into the story. It feels lazy, like this 'taint' is something that has an explanation and an origin, but that the story hasn't even bothered to show us or explain.

it was the taint of the changelings in its most primal form.

There is is again. You've not taken the time to introduce how Ao sees things, and are throwing way too much information at us in the first chapter, and by using way too much exposition. Not only is it very dry and dull to read, but it's not very smooth, fluid, and borderline confusing.

See, this is what I understood when reading. Ao, a changeling, is looking for Chrysalis (who is, apparently, good: explanation needed), finds her with Twilight and the other princesses. This 'taint' which has just been introduced has infected Twilight. Why? Unclear. Then there's a fight. It's unclear who they're fighting with.

No, really. It's not made clear why the fight starts, or even who with.

You see, in the end I had to give my support to the one who might have a chance of finding a way out of this.

What is 'this'? What's going on? The story makes nothing clear to the reader. At first I was willing to give it a pass because it looked like a stylistic choice, but the very exposition-y way this story is told is damaging the story's ability to communicate what's happening properly, because we don't get a complete view of the situation. This first chapter probably should have been three, and take a lot more time explaining who is who, how they got where, and most importantly, what this situation they've got themselves in is. It's not the reader's job to understand the story if you don't help them.

Not to mention, look at the romance between Chrysalis and Twilight:

“That is what happens when you challenge our love! As for you Ao, IMPRISONMENT!!!”

This is chapter one. This isn't a story so much as just a fight, told from the broken point of view of a changeling, with a Chrylight ship thrown in for good measure. It neither does justice to the ship, nor the story, simply because it's too confusing to follow properly and doesn't set itself up.

See, there's a big problem with shipping. It's important to make the transition from what we know in the show (no relationship) to what's in the story (romantic relationship) clear. This relationship between Chrysalis and Twilight is not made clear. It's just 'there'. It's quite lazy, and like everything else in the first chapter, needs to be explained.

Because yes, this is still the first chapter. This is the sort of thing you'd have at the last chapter, to wrap up a story. I have no idea how this is supposed to begin the story, and I don't care to.

Ao is the most well developed character here. This may come as a surprise to some people since Twilight, Celestia, and Luna are around, but no. Because stuff has happened in this story, I have no idea what their motivations are or feelings. Twilight has fallen in love with Chrysalis, for heaven's sake, and I don't know why. At least Ao has a solid stance near the beginning of the story: help Chrysalis. I understood who he was and what he wanted.

At the end of the chapter, they become 'vanguards' and I have no idea why. This chapter is a mess of ideas and dialogue. I wish I could say I at least liked the idea the story had, but I can't actually tell what it was, so I can't comment.

I'd strongly recommend an editor, or at the very least, a basic check-list: make sure it's always clear who's talking, make sure you set up your plot points properly, and make sure we know what everyone wants and is thinking. Even now, I have no idea what Foals Errand wanted. No idea whatsoever.

4242456 Please ignore postpone your review about this fic.

it is undergoing revisions on its' intro... I am building a new one as we speak. It's going to be FAR FAR better imho. In all honesty I tried to make that chapter the same as one of the episodes from one of the animes I am watching... And Now I realize this decision is bad. Also please do mind that this fic is a writing exercize and there's a limit on the words I can use on each prompt. Please wait at least till I finish the intro in a few days and re-read as I will reform the fic.

4242543 Sure thing. Send me a PM when you're done.

Oh, good. A dark story where Spike snaps and probably kills Rarity or something. Because that's just what I wanted to review today.

Well, time to dive right into Snapped.

I don't really want to review this one.

Rejecting

It's... pretty hard to read. It sets itself up as a psychological horror, but it really just felt like a long scene with Spike getting angry and then killing Rarity. It was a whole lot of dark for not much, really, and was thoroughly unenjoyable.

The story starts with Rarity saying that Spike doesn't know what it's like to be ignored by somebody they have feelings for. This is all the set-up and build-up we get before Spike flies into a rage, so unless you like seeing Spike tear up furniture and ponies, there really isn't anything of interest for you.

The story doesn't give us enough to make us feel for either characters: since we haven't been seen anything from Spike's point of view, or had any proper build-up, it comes off as cartoonish. The key part of a psychological horror is to allow us to see the psychology of the character slowly warp: to feel trapped by the character's own mind. Here, it's more like watching the hulk smash stuff up. It's pretty underwhelming.

What comes after is rather dull and dry: we just see very exposition-y bits where the other characters are reacting sadly to what's happened. Whilst not bad, it didn't really have much in the way of impact. We'd really needed to have been with the characters, instead of just watching them from afar.

The main worry regarding the Elements of Harmony had been that, with one missing, there would never be a way to stop Discord from taking over Equestria if his reformation relapsed. The worry had been canceled out as soon as Fluttershy returned home from the funeral. Discord had visited her as soon as he'd heard the news, and had tried to cheer her up with his usual wacky hi-jinx, but Fluttershy hadn't responded. He'd done everything, from silly parlor tricks to lame jokes to transformations. He'd even pulled her cottage out of the ground and made it dance the mambo. Nothing had worked, and Discord had realized that he'd somehow lost his knack for causing anarchy.

We're not seeing anything from the characters perspectives. We're just told that they're sad, and this isn't nearly as effective as, say, seeing them discover the news first-hand.

In short, where the story attempts to be psychological, it ends up being just a tragically painful sequence with Spike cutting Rarity up. I'll give the story points for attempting what is a very difficult style: horror and psychology is really tough to pull off, but when it goes wrong, it really goes wrong.

It's quite hard to read a story that's trying so hard to be dark and horrifying tell itself in a very dull and anticlimactic way. In fact, it tells the story climax first. What we should have seen was Spike's slow descent, with tension building with every paragraph. Instead:

“Oh, Spike, how could you ever know what it's like to be totally obsessed with a pony only to find out they're obsessed with somepony else?”

That was the last thing he'd remembered. After that, it was all a blur. A horrifying red blur.

It doesn't work, and all that remains is material that really, really relies on having the reader be immersed in the story... not have the reader immersed in the story.

That said, I have to give the story points for grammar and spelling. I found nothing so overt that it drew my attention, so that's good. And like I said, the content is very ambitious, but it's one of those things that takes a lot of patience to get into. If I don't get fully immersed with what's going on, all I'll see is a mean-spirited story about Spike killing Rarity, instead of the psychological horror I should see.

There's another reason the build-up I mentioned is important: it makes the characters emphatic. As it stands, all we see of Spike and Rarity prior to Rarity's one way trip to the big oven in the ground is Spike being angry and Rarity being inconsiderate. Whilst you could argue that given what we've seen of them on the show, they're already emphatic, but considering the scale of what you're having me be emphatic with, I'd argue right back that seeing those two in the show is not enough to make up for cutting another one up. And if I can't like either one of them, it means I just plain don't care what happens.

4242717

Spike getting angry and then killing Rarity.

killing Rarity

NUUU! Not marshmallow pony !

Why are writers so mean to her?

4242743 Oh, I have no problem with being a bit snarky to her... especially during season one. I had yet to really settle on a favourite pony at that point, but something about Rarity's girly disney-barbie-princess-dream-thing just rubbed me the wrong way.

She got way better, though. Damn if she's not my top three. I love the whole artistic thing she's got going.

4242758 She's always been in my top three. Her dramatic ways are so cute and endearing.

For example: it's positively adorable how Tabitha says "I wear false eyelashes" here:

4242805 Well, in my case, they became cute and endearing later. they kinda started out not dramatic and extravagant, but more... prissy and girly, I guess. She always had a marvelous voice, though. I actually enjoyed the voice so much, I was able to pinpoint it in Black Lagoon... in a parrot.

It's not that I really disliked her or found her annoying, it's just that she only really took my interest later on. It kinda' took me a while to decide who my favourite ponies were. I mean, I like them all, but believe it or not, Rainbow Dash was originally one of my least favourites.

Kind of a wild turnaround there.

4242842 Well I never liked RD...

I'm joking! Stop throwing things at me!

Nah, I always liked all of the mane six, but Flutters and Rarity especially. Of course, if we were to factor in the CMC then marshmallow pony's little sister has her beat.

4242858 I do like the CMC too. Sometimes.

I think what's cool is that loads of people can be fans of different ponies: after all, they do each have their own distinct personality, and so do we, so it stands to reason that lots of people are going to enjoy different ones. Where it gets dubious is when people start disliking a specific one, and especially now that I've gotten to grips with all of them (even Pinkie) I'm pretty confident that they're all great fun to watch.

I guess what I like most about RD is that she reminds me a lot of myself. Not in the sports department (although I do dabble in that too) but more in the sense that she tries her hardest and yet always seems to be the laziest. That and she's 'ard as nails.

When I started watching, though, all I saw was just an obnoxious loudmouth obsessed with sports. Not... the most fun to watch, admittedly.

To be honest, I'm still not that sure why I even kept watching all the way until the end of the first season. All I remember thinking back then was how annoying it all was. I guess I just didn't like admitting defeat. Good thing Sonic Rainboom came along when it did: loved that episode, and it cemented Rainbow Dash as my favourite ever since. I even got a chuckle out of Fluttershy, and I'm not normally a fan of the shyness thing...

4242717 I'm sorry I didn't live up to your expectations.

4242743 I actually like Rarity. This was just an idea that suddenly came to mind and had to write down. If it makes you feel any better, in spite of it having more likes than anything I've written, I'm now seriously regretting ever touching it.

If you want something better, feel free to review the sequel. I doubt it'll be much of an improvement to you, but it's up to you.

4242899 If it's in the submissions folder, I'll be reviewing it.

4242900 In that case, I dread await the review.

4242915 Excellent. I'll let you know how it turns out.

4242895

I even got a chuckle out of Fluttershy, and I'm not normally a fan of the shyness thing...

Tread carefully, that's best pony you're talking about.

4242899

It's very rare that I review stories myself. if anything it will be the longer stories I happen to have read. For instance, I just finished reading a 200k HiE that's in the Submissions folder, and I'll be putting together a review for it when I get the time.

As for Rarity, or pretty much anypony in fact: unjust violence doesn't sit well with me. I like ponies. A lot. I don't like reading about them suffering. (Unless it's exceptionally well written and somewhat warranted/justified, but those are few and far between)

4242939

and I'll be putting together a review for it when I get the time.

A Biker review?!

No, seriously: I'd just love for the long ones to get reviewed. I'm a one-shot guy! Go in and go out with a bang.

Long stories are impossible. I had to give up this really fun AppleDash story because it was taking too long. (in my defence, it was 400K words...)