Short Hand: Human Mating Rituals

Shepherd has finished his morning training with Chewie. He walks up to his house, where the Elements of Harmony are relaxing in his backyard.

Shepherd: sigh "Why do you always hang out in my backyard?"

Pinkie: "You don't change your locks often enough!"

Dash: "Wow Pinkie. Just going out with that?"

Pinkie: "It's a joke, silly! Shepherd knows this!"

Applejack: rolls her eyes "We also brought food and booze."

Shepherd: "You're immediately forgiven."

Dash: "You're so easily bought, Shepherd! I mean, you even became friends with Chewie just because he shares his meat with you!"

Shepherd: "No! I became friends with him because I defeated him in battle!"

Twilight: "Hmmm... Defeat means friendship in human cultures then?"

Shepherd: "In a lot of human cultures, yes."

Twilight: "Hmmm... Could defeat also mean... Romance?"

Shepherd: "Well, in some human cultures yes..."

All the Mares suddenly grin wickedly and their eyes glow with unholy light.

Shepherd: "BUT NOT IN MINE! NOT IN MINE!"

All the mares groan.

Fluttershy: "Damnit!"

Comments

[Black--Soul]

PRICELESS ♡

[LordHaydon]

Shepherd: "huh... Let me clarify. In my culture being defeated doesn't lead to romance. However, defeating others in order to gain the interest of the one you're after is a thing but it just doesn't happen much anymore."

Dash: "So... If a bunch of mares are interested in you they fight each other and the winner gets you?"

Shepherd: "The winner would get to date me, yes."

Applejack; Dash; Fluttershy; Pinkie; Rarity; Twilight: "I'm in!"

Twilight: "Is there any specific way we need to defeat each other?"

Dash: "Yeah! Like, is there some sort of awesome ritual combat we should do?"

Shepherd: "Well... There is one type of grand melee that would be appropriate for this."

Twilight: "OH! You have to tell us what it is, but let me write a letter to the Princesses, they'll want to hear this too!"

-2 Weeks Later-

Shepherd and Discord are sitting in a royal booth overlooking a small arena filled with chocolate and vanilla swirl pudding.
The Mane Six plus Princesses Celestia and Luna are all below just outside the ring. They're all in human forms wearing bikinis and stretching before the grand match.

Shepherd: "Thanks for setting this up. Pinkie wanted to do it, but the others thought that would give her an advantage. I made the suggestion that you would be the best neutral third party to set this up."

Discord: "But of course. How could I possibly have passed up the opportunity for the Chaos that would be six national heroes and two ruling Princesses all wrestling in pudding?"

Shepherd: "You're filming this right?"

Discord: "Oh ye of little faith. I'm not JUST filming it, I've also made it a Pay-Per-View event across all of Equestria and several neighboring countries!"

Shepherd: "Wow, you're gonna make bank."

Discord: "Not that I care about money, but it should be enough to cover your medical costs should you NOT date the winner of this little match."

Shepherd: "... ... ... Crap. I forgot about that part."

[sykko]

A bard telling the tale: "And lo, little foal, that was when the great plot kicking happened."