Story Review #9

Story review #9: The Bug and the Wanderer —By Thesane1

Character’s:

Chrysalis: She is angry, dedicated, and obviously loves the hive. She’s perfectly in character in my book! Especially if her invasion force had died after the battle. And because she is much like her Canon self I give the author a thumbs-up 👍

Alison Strider: you’re standard Nice-Guy OC with mysterious powers and an even more interesting traveling companion. Look I know it seems like a jerk move for me to dislike an OC (especially since mine aren’t any better.) but he’s the sterotype of an OC I see in practically every other fantasy fanfiction I’ve read.
But I guess I’ll have to see how his character and the story around him evolve.

Kelly Strider: hardly anything to say so far except the whole S-line creature concept is cool but not very MLP or even Fanon MLP. And so far is kinda out of place in the universe. Though I suppose the universe will probably be expanded as the story goes on.

And No other characters have been introduced thus far.

Premise: After the Canterlot wedding invasion the Changlings or at least most of them dying and the story focuses on Chrysalis is a great concept and the execution of Chrysalis is great. However her being saved in a cave (although I’m fine with her being rescued) and the amount of time the story has put on explain the OC’s at the begging rather then letting them develop into their own characters is a letdown.

Grammar and Punctuation: almost perfect which is impressive and makes the story stand out amongst my reviews thus far. (Mostly a joke no hate to my previously reviewed stories writers.)

Dialogue: except for the exposition has been pretty well done 👍

Flaws: I think you can tell what my big issue with the story is based off the segments above but if not…..
…..The flaws in my book are the OC’s don’t fit everything else including the darker more mysterious vibe the story has. Which cause most of the story to feel like it’s stuck between wanting to be edgy and wanting to be a cute friendshipping story.

Strengths: I still love Chrysalis characterization and the way she calls her people Lings.
But I also love the darker more edgy tone the story is going for because as much as I like the cutesy shipping stories or the friendly misadventure stories their is something undeniably appealing about the darker more grounded stories.

But as always those are just my 2 cents and I recommend you check out the story yourself and form you’re own opinion.

P.S. I don’t wanna come across as cruel and I’m not saying you should take out you’re OC’s or that the story is bad. Because in fact I am curious as to where it will go from here.

Rating: 5/10 Yaying Fluttershy’s

Story link: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/503574/the-bug-and-the-wanderer

Comments

[Lonely Fanboy48]

Is it okay if you do 2 reviews of 2 stories of mine?

EA Gift To A Princess Holiday’s Heart

• Equestria Girls
• Drama
• Slice of Life

Princess Twilight goes to the Mirror World to see what Sunset, her counterpart and the others do during the holidays.

• Alt. Universe
• Twilight
• Other
• Sunset Shimmer
• Sci-Twi
• Main 7 (EqG)

Lonely Fanboy48 · 5.3k words  ·  19  6 · 1.8k views

EApple Bond Motherhood

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Slice of Life

Pear Butter takes Apple Bloom out for the day as mother and daughter.

• Alt. Universe
• Twilight
• Applejack
• Apple Bloom
• CMCs
• Pear Butter

Lonely Fanboy48 · 4.5k words  ·  31  4 · 2.7k views

Regards of your opinions about my grammar and punctuation, I’m mostly curious of what you feel about the moments in them.

[Reactception]

5606203
Of course I shall do the reviews once i finish the next 2 on my list.

[Thesane1]

Thank you, This is amazing! I appreciate the time you have taken to review my first attempt at writing.

I totally get the clashing tone feeling, though it is intentional to a certain degree. The duo are strangely lighthearted and hopeful while encountering the sight of death and distruction. Hopefully begging the question of why?

Alison's niceness and outlook borders on delusion, perhaps what he wishes for is unrealistic.
Kelly hasn't spoken much yet, leading to an uncertain view towards something very alien.

Fun fact. Chrysalis assumes she would have died without help. The truth is she would have ended up more like the show Chysalis having no outlet or escape from lonely hatred and bitterness.

[Reactception]

5606223
Glad to be of help!

So Chrysalis would’ve survived if she hadn’t been found?

[Pete100]

I actually will think about reading this.

[Thesane1]

5606233
Yes, she would have ended up in a considerably darker place than current Chrysalis.

[Reactception]

5606400
Interesting