Story Review #24

Story Review #24 A Shimmering Heartbreak —by Spyder27

Reward for winning a competition in the Sunset X Villain competition group and a continuation of the previous story I reviewed making this the logical next step plus I kinda wanted to see where this went.

Disclaimer:
I recommend reading the story and the first one as well along with Story review #23 since this is kind of a continuation of that review since it’s the same saga.

Character’s:
(Theirs a lot to cover)

Adagio Dazzle: Honestly a great character still but unfortunately I feel a lot of her characterization and development from the previous story become more stationary. And I get why she is how she is with Sunset but she is so into Sunset her own self is sort of faded which maybe what the author is going for considering some of the hints so we shall she if that’s the case in the 3rd installment.

Sunset Shimmer:
I like her a lot but she doesn’t really feel like canon Sunset at all anymore which I’m fine with since we are very far into this alternate timeline now overall a good addition and a definite improvement from her plot device feel in the 1st installment

Evil/Hallucination Adagio: I love how you made her have that head injury so we aren’t sure if she is hallucinating or she is just overthinking or if a part of her is really still a dark siren. Overall a really interesting way to make an antagonist/hallucination.

Rainbow Dash: I just need the author to write a full length multiple installment series just about Dash they really seem to understand and respect this character in a unique way that not many other artists do. And she is by far my favorite character in the saga so far.

Applebloom: My sweet little manipulative bean!! She is a very cute and childlike character with a huge personality and a very fun mischievous personality and I love imagining this small girl pulling a fully grown Adagio around the apple farm like it’s nothing.

Applejack: I despised her last story but this story she really fixed my perception of her and she was a nice addition to the supporting cast.

Sci Twi: She’s cool I like her part in the story especially the fact she is studying Equestrian stuff very accurate to her personality and I’m interested in knowing if that storyline will become important somehow….

Fluttershy: Very canon and I loved her a lot in this story despite her part being minimal it was appreciated.

Pinkie Pie: I really like this interpretation the really emotional she wears everything on her sleeve or rather her hair so she can flop between depression and joy so quickly. It’s just a shame she doesn’t arrive till the last few chapters.

Rarity: I really am trying to like Rarity but she is just so Me, Me, Me all story even if she has a reason in the fight she has with Dash she is so bitchy about it and she never really does anything that great other then the scarf fixing which is big for Adagio & Sunset but not really that major for Rarity as a character. Hoping she has more time next story so I can grow to like her more.

Filthy Rich/Mr Rich: He’s such an unapologetic D*ck I can’t help but respect it a little. And though I did enjoy his part in this sequel and am glad he had a bigger part he still has a lot of plot device energy unlike Sunset he still feels like mechanic than a character.

Boulder: Mentioned once still top 5 character what a legend!!

All the other side characters: Non of the others feel that important to warrant their own segment so I just wanna say they are all good additions to the supporting cast.

Continuation: instead of a premise section like usually imma talk about the continuation of the previous story. And I’ll say it was a pretty good continuation of the previous storyline.

Grammar and punctuation: I noticed quite a few small misspellings but they didn’t distract me too much and I definitely noticed Applejack almost always says her instead of here and I’m not sure if it was intentional or not…..

Dialogue: Pretty good.

Flaws: Pacing felt weird sometimes it was at a breakneck we never stop pace and other times it was slow so I kept getting whiplash between some of the chapters. And at times the drama felt kind of forced.

Highlights: The character work was well done as was the characters themselves and I loved the different dynamics each group had depending on who was there at the time. But I also wanna point out how well everything is described/detailed.

Expectations/desire for the next installment: I know Adagio keeps saying how she will never get to apologize or see Sonata or Aria again but I need this to happen happy or not drama or not they need to meet again. Also I really want Another doing a sport to impress Sunset scene and more context/story for the sick Diamond Tiara and hospital supplies stuff. And finally I want some more hangout scenes with the mane 7 plus Adagio without a big drama scene in the middle just friends learning to be friends again.

But as always those are just my 2 cents and I recommend you check out the story yourself and form your own opinion. If you’re a fan of Sundagio I highly recommend checking out Spyder27 (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/467180/Spyder27) they are top 3 Sundagio writers on this site and number 1 in my heart!!

Rating:
I rate it a solid 8/10 Pink hearts

Story link: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/512106/a-shimmering-heartbreak

Link to previous story:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/508015/a-dazzling-world

Link to review to the previous story: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1018185/story-review-23

Comments

[Spyder27]

Hi there! Thank you so much for the review! I just wanted to address some of my thoughts while reading this review to explain some things and give context~

Adagio Dazzle is certainly made to feel somewhat different. As if she has lost herself in Sunset and her identity. This is intended for a future plot point where she might be able to find herself again~ As for Sunset, I'm a little confused how she feels different. I wrote her as close to the EQG representation, minus some sassiness, in my point of view. If you could give me some advice on how to improve Sunset's character, I would greatly appreciate it!

As for your comments on the other characters, they don't have a big part in this story, but they do get more screentime in the future where I think some of your criticisms are addressed~

As for grammar, I am so sorry you had to deal with so many mistakes. I thought I had cleared up a lot of them. I hate putting readers through that and I often misspell "here" as "her" when I am tired I will try to reread this story this December and see if I can fix those mistakes.

The pacing was pretty stupid at points... The reason why I paced the story like this is because of a couple different reasons. Sometimes I just really wanted to get a chapter out, so I forced it out before it was ready. Other times, I really couldn't visualize how I was supposed to write certain scenes and so I decided to just skip ahead rather than keep a scene that readers would feel is forced. The drama was also forced at certain areas because I tried to write the scene five times without a better result. So, I did my best to get it out. I would rewrite these parts if I could, but it would probably majorly change the storyline I have going forward

I will say that I was not expecting you to want another scene where she would try to impress Sunset by doing a sport. XD Honestly, I thought readers would be bored of a third scene like that, but I will definitely take it into consideration! Thank you so much for all of your compliments and criticisms! I will be keeping note in case I can ever get around to fixing this story!

P.S. Evil Adagio's name is Umbra Adagio~ And she will appear more often~