De-Pony-ized A Rather Large Adventure · 1:11pm Aug 4th, 2021
This is gonna be a long one, folks.
Note: the following names will remain pony-ized to keep track of continuity, names, events, etc...
Book 1
The prologue will not be front-loaded with backstory about the world's creation and the War in Heaven. Instead, it will be about the humble circumstances of Freedom Fighter's birth, placing him as a subject of importance early on.
The story officially opens with a series of presentations before the Queen of the land. This universe's version of Trixie hypes herself up, applies before the Queen, and demonstrates her magic. The students in the most prestigious middle school in Equestria are currently demonstrating their prowess in magic to compete for the rare opportunity to be tutored under "Princess Celestia."
After failing to impress the Queen and being reminded of the proper application of magic, introducing us to the basics of the magic system, Trixie storms out and the next contender enters. A twelve-year-old girl (Twilight) is extraordinarily talented with magic, and Celestia, with the aid of a disembodied female voice in her head, sees something deep within her, which puts her under the tutelage of Celestia. "Trixie," jealous of her best friend, distances herself from Twilight, breaking Twilight's heart. They were once the best of friends. But Trixie is now her rival.
Celestia is known to the entire world as an immortal and technically could remain a ruler forever over her people. But Celestia does not want to, since she doesn't like the idea of being a perpetual eye in the sky. What if she begins to falter in her responsibilities and falls from grace? So she instead gives the title of King or Queen to her next of kin. She is the chief steward of the kingdom, ruling only as a backup when there is no capable heir to the throne, such as right now.
Twilight’s appointment to Celestia's circle of influence is extraordinary news to the court, since there are two heirs lined up: Blueblood and Noble, her young nephews. Deceit and plots begin hatching to take advantage of the powerful, young, and impressionable Twilight to sway her to opposing factions backing either Noble or Blueblood. One of the parties involved in manipulation would be Trixie and her parents, who also happen to be very rich and got her into the school. By comparison, Twilight only got in through hard work.
Twilight, along with her adopted brother, are given accommodations in the castle as well as ladies-in-waiting, which would be Rarity, Pinkie, and Fluttershy. Their personalities are essentially the same as in the show, except Pinkie is noticeably muted in her zaniness and focused far more on her giggly and bubbly side. She's an adorable airhead. Rarity has magic, but doesn't use it for anything significant, while Fluttershy has none and is insecure about it. Pinkie doesn't have it either, but doesn't mind. Spike develops a huge crush on Rarity almost immediately, but it isn't returned. (Yet) The ambitious Rarity is currently focused on swooning Blueblood and becoming a princess alongside him once he ascends to the throne.
Because Blueblood is a very social pony, making connections with influential people even at a very young age. He has the backing of the noblemen. Noble, by contrast, is in the military, which is a very honorable post in the public's eyes. Opinion is split as to who will inherit the throne, and it’s anyone’s game to appoint one of them for their own interests. They'll remember the support once they're ruling. Basically, everyone's selfish.
Twilight studies magic at a remarkable pace and prowess, taking a special interest in the first notable court wizard in Equestria's history, Star Swirl the Bearded. He compiled their holy scriptures and was the first to make a full analysis of magic and chronicle the details of the outside world, which will be explained now.
The "Equestrians" are a race of people gifted with the ability to use magic, which is a far greater gift than the rest of the world, who have to use steampunk technology (Early to mid-20th century) to match the war power of the Equestrians, who by comparison haven't been as engaged in creating rudimentary firearms, tanks, bombs, and aircraft. This is used to explain the strange differences in technology we see throughout the show.
Equestria by and large does not want to mix this incredible technology into their culture because it would render their gifts meaningless. And besides, even if an outside force was willing to introduce them to better tech, that outside force would be the one with influence over them. The only exceptions to this stifled technology would be railways and airships, for the sake of trade and luxury accordingly. The Equestrians regard most other technology as invasive, dirty, and unnecessary--a crutch for the weak. They are far more content to live lavishly in the 18th or 17th century--without guns. Trad life for the win.
"The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race." --Theodore John Kaczynski, Industrial Society And Its Future
The rest of the world is comprised of the pioneering settlers just to the south of Equestria’s borders (Appleoosa), the wealthy but sinful empire in a desert to the far south of the continent (Think Baghdad) which is at war right now with the forces of the bandits called "Stormriders," (Which the Storm King rules), the Babylonian-esque "Griffons" just across the land bridge to the other continent and the current innovators in technology, the Dragons and their tamers on a secluded landmass cut off from the rest of the world in the middle of the sea, and finally, south of Babylon and separated by a terrible desert, the Noxxa, a mysterious, imperialistic people who have wiped out all the nearby tribes except for the Rada.
After that last bit of information is revealed, a distraught fifteen-year-old Freedom Fighter watches as the Noxxa butcher his people before being taken into custody. He had held Malice to an oath saying he would leave the Rada alone if he gave himself up, but Malice breaks the oath, since he holds no allegiance to Faust. Note: Freedom Fighter always avoids showing his face.
Equestria also worships a vague idea of a Goddess called Faust. Not really sure how as far as rituals and sacraments go, but generally? Think the Zoramites in the Book of Mormon. "O holy holy Faust, who is a spirit and will always be a spirit, we are so grateful that we art thy chosen people on this earth. We thank thee, Faust, that thou hast made us better than our neighbors and that thou hast given us the gift of magic and everyone else is not on the same level as us. Thank you for letting us know there shall be no reformation, since thou art the same yesterday, today, and forever. We're totally thy chosen people and can do no wrong, and we'll be saved and everyone else shall be damned." And then they go home and never mention her again for the rest of the week.
Twilight goes along with the rituals, but she's not enthusiastic about it. Something just doesn't feel right, like something is missing. Despite the religion in place, Equestria is lax about it, and degeneracy and hedonism are rampant.
Three years pass after Twilight's institution as Celestia's student. During all this:
- Freedom Fighter has been liberated and taken across the sea by a strike force led by the current captain of the guard, Noble's father. Noble and his best friend Firestorm, who are both in training, make friends with Freedom Fighter and learn sign language to communicate.
- The Noxxa sent a hunter (Tirek) to destroy Freedom Fighter, but Noble's father takes a regiment including Noble and Firestorm and ambushes the convoy en route. Noble and Firestorm both display exceptional skill and courage. But Noble's father was wounded and had to be evacuated. Tirek, left for dead, scampers away. For three years afterward, Noble, Firestorm, and Freedom Fighter are trained personally by Noble's father, who begins to noticeably deteriorate.
- Meanwhile, Twilight is exposed to the mire of intrigue and plots. The savagery of the royal court is unmatched. Beneath their smiles and laughter are deep loathing and jealousy. With the help of her ladies-in-waiting, she survives being manipulated by Trixie and her family, and even survives an assassination attempt and tracks him down, just like Garion did in Guardians of the West. Ultimately, she rises in reputation as her magic increases to the point where none surpass her but Celestia herself. Trixie becomes embroiled in hatred and envy. The divide only deepens.
- At the same time, Spike faces a bully of his own: Garble, the brother of Dragon Lord Ember. They have flown over to buy and sell in Equestria. After revealing to Spike that he comes from that land, Spike is enraptured by the presence of a friend from the same ethnic background. Garble exposes Spike to the Dragon Rider's culture. They're daring and high-flying. However, despite his friendly exterior, Garble is also a toxic influence on Spike, encouraging him to do illegal things and even daring him to steal a crown jewel, which he backs out of. Garble calls him a coward for it. Real dragon riders aren't cowards. Then he and Ember head back to their island, leaving Spike to deal with the psychological damage. He doesn't return until the final books, but his influence lingers over Spike for the rest of the series.
- While these dragon riders visit Equestria, Fluttershy overcomes some of her fears and makes friends with Reggie and his rider by doing them a favor of some kind. Character growth moment!
After these three years pass, a new threat arises, seemingly out of nowhere. A menacing monster with magic of his own invades major towns and cities and begins to wreak havoc.
Celestia explains to Twilight that this figure, and his brother, came to Equestria long ago to take magic to become sentient creatures. One brother, Scorpan, made friends with the inhabitants, even befriending "Star Swirl," upon realizing his sentience. The other brother, Tirek, just continued his conquest, hungry for power. Both are dichotomies of human nature. Scorpan left Equestria in shame after alerting the princess back then of his brother's treachery, and Tirek was weakened and sent to the underworld. But now, Tirek is back, which means someone has broken him out. Although why, no one knows.
Noble's father holds Tirek off as Tirek breaches the capitol while the nobility try to evacuate. Noble’s father is killed in the resulting carnage, and Noble mourns his loss. Trixie, after an internal conflict about courage and cowardice, tries to face down Tirek, but he quickly humbles her by draining her magic.
Celestia, Twilight, Spike, and Blueblood are escorted out of the capitol by carriage. The queen orders them to go into the woods bordering the southern wall, but Tirek attacks them on the road. After recognizing that none of them are what he's searching for, he settles for taking their power instead.
Blueblood does as his cowardly nature dictates and runs away. Twilight and the queen briefly battle Tirek, but he matches them.
He captures Spike and is about to kill him. Twilight offers to give up her own magic if Tirek leaves Spike alone, threatening to kill herself so Tirek cannot acquire it. Tirek reluctantly agrees, and after draining Twilight's magic, the queen battles Tirek alone while Twilight and her brother flee into the woods under the queen's direction.
They wander into it and soon discover a stone structure. It was a castle once, but now it's grown over with age. Twilight enters for shelter and discovers, deep within, a shining violet tree growing out of the rock itself. Bones litter the ground around it.
She feels compelled to touch it, and so she does. She is given her "Element," which gives her the strength to save the queen and beat Tirek. Before Tirek dies, he mentions a master, which is Malice, but we don't know that and he dies anyway. All the magic he took is returned. The Element of Harmony is taken and secured in secret in Canterlot.
This fight is the climax of the book. The rest of it is falling action.
For her actions in saving the land and the queen, and also for her tremendous magical potential to succeed the queen if she dies, Twilight is publicly announced a princess of Equestria, much to her shock and dismay. She was trying to get out of political mire, but now she's embroiled even deeper in it? Not much of a reward.
The court's reaction is mixed. Those who were lobbying her are in a real pickle now. Noble publicly abdicated his bid for the kingdom right after Tirek's defeat due to his desire to pursue a military career in the stead of his recently-deceased father. So there was for a brief moment only one candidate for the kingdom. But Blueblood is now incensed by her newfound position to shoot for the throne.
Meanwhile, in secrecy, Malice gets the news that Tirek had finally emerged since being taken into Equestria three years ago… and failed anyway. Malice notes that it is not good news, and urges his elite forces to step up their plans for leading a worldwide invasion. Their armies begin to mobilize, and Malice focuses personally on the priority of finding the princess who defeated Tirek. She may yet be of some use to their long-term plans…
Most of the rest of the first book focuses on Twilight learning, with the help of her ladies-in-waiting, about the responsibilities of a princess and the duties of a queen should she become one. She learns court manners and customs, like curtseys and how to hold a teacup and whatnot.
Three years pass in peace. Twilight is now eighteen, caught up on her studies, and ready to go on her first diplomatic journey all by herself at the behest of a strange letter inviting her to a new coronation of the king and queen of the griffons. Suspicious about the letter's true intentions, the queen sends the Guardians of the Sun to track and intercept the train if anything goes wrong. And sure enough, Twilight is trapped!
Here is where Book One ends. It's also where A Rather Large Adventure truly begins.
Book 2
Ever since the end of Tirek's second invasion, Scorpan has been tracking down Tirek's trail to see who had released him from the underworld. Investigating the ruins of the ambushed convoy that carried Tirek, he discovers the traces of the Noxxa and a ruined letter of instruction saying Tirek's coming was preparation for their coming invasion. He promptly sets off for the other kingdoms, hoping to warn them in time.
The second chapter starts off Twilight's escape from the Red Tower. Some things are changed to make it less like Revenge of the Sith, and their journey back is not a simple matter of teleporting in spurts. They instead hijack a boat to the other continent (along the same route that Noble's father took many years before, which is how Noble knows about it) and catch a train back to the capitol. They reunite Twilight with her ladies-in-waiting and Spike, and are subsequently appointed as bodyguards by an appreciative Celestia.
The following is revealed in flashbacks or conversation after Twilight's rescue:
- The last three years only have had peace because Celestia realized from Tirek's example that they need a discrete strike team to disable threats before they become noticeable to the general public. Upon overhearing her concerns in private, Noble volunteers for the job, and Firestorm and Freedom Fighter follow him. The Guardians of the Sun are formed, Noble is appointed their leader, and they are secretly sent on several missions, quickly proving their worth.
- They make ready use of both their own magic and technology from the outside world, such as grenades, reinforced armor, compact flamethrowers, pressurized cables, and a metal arm commissioned for Freedom Fighter, constructed by the Babylonians. Their teamwork is unmatched due to their long history together and the usage of sign language to give orders like actual Marines. (Or the clone troopers in the 2003 Clone Wars--but you didn't hear that from me!) Their warfare is unconventionally modern to the ancient Equestrian culture, and friend and foe cannot fathom their tactics, giving them the advantage more often than not.
- Noble Blade inherits the armor and sword his father used while he was captain of the guard. Firestorm is speedy and quick, adept in using twin blades. But Freedom Fighter was only trained in tribal weapons, and so is only proficient in the staff, and the bow, and the knife. None of the weapons the army currently has measures up to the standard of the Guardians of the Sun. So Celestia hires top professionals to create a custom, hybrid utilitarian weapon unlike anything anyone's seen before. Christening it the Chu for its initials, Freedom Fighter is awestruck.
- We also catch glimpses of backstory for Noble and Firestorm. In a flashback, Noble's father emphasizes on initiation day that he is no longer his father or friend; there will be no special treatment among recruits. It does not matter if you are a nobleman or a peasant, if you came from a loving family or a broken one. (Firestorm and his older sister hiss at the last words.) They are all equal scum in his eyes, the same way they are all equal scum beneath their Creator. Continuing the Creator comparison, his father emphasizes perfection, citing that the Creator expects nothing less than perfection from them, so neither should he. Be ye perfect, even as the Creator is perfect! These words take a significant toll on Noble's psyche and influence his character for the rest of the story, only breaking out with the aid of Fluttershy, a very imperfect person.
- (It is revealed much later on that the reason why Noble's father treated him such was for his own benefit. If he treated him with favoritism, then not only would he not grow into the person he is now, but the other kids training with him would resent him and dedicate themselves to his destruction. His father does love him. And he is a good servant of Faust. But he pushed too hard when it came to perfectionism. His father will be a complex character that way.)
Obviously, there will be elements of the brief slice-of-life interval that will differ; they aren’t in a small town anymore and they aren’t ponies, making their pursuits and activities slightly different than portrayed in the original. Rainbow Dash and Applejack are entirely absent from the beginning. Freedom Fighter’s identity is not revealed just yet. Heck, I'm not even certain if Derpy, Octavia, and Vinyl will appear at all. I'm planning to cut out a significant chunk of that part. This is an adventure, isn't it? Gotta keep the pace moving. Rarity and Firestorm do investigate the Tree of Harmony, but on Twilight's behalf. Finally, Noble and Fluttershy don’t officially start their mutual interest until the “Grand Galloping Gala” itself. And this particular Gala is one of the most important ones.
The whole point of the GGG in this universe is to have the noblemen and women vote on who would be a suitable successor to the throne once both of the candidates are 20 years old. If none of the successors are present or old enough, it’s just a massive party among the nobility, allowing them to secure connections with each other for next time.
A successor to the throne must be a prince or princess of Equestria without children. If there are no successors in the royal line (due to assassinations or infertility), Celestia holds a tournament among the commoners, and the champion is given to the queen in marriage to produce offspring. But because Celestia’s immortal genes are more or less incompatible with a mortal’s, no one possessing less than ¼ Royal Blood can have any children, and those with more than ¼ Royal Blood can only have two children maximum before their wombs shut for good. The population is extremely limited. Celestia is more or less desensitized to romantic love, since she’s gone for millenia marrying husbands and bearing children, and watching them grow old and die.
Blueblood comes from an almost-universally despised family branch who has had the devious idea of justifying incest in order to keep the bloodline pure enough to stay in the running forever. This, however, results in less than suitable children. Everything seems okay with Blueblood’s looks for the first time in quite a while, making his odds of securing the throne skyrocket. (But he’s also a massive jerk and a traitor.) But with Twilight newly in the running as well, she’s at risk of upsetting his chances. She saved the kingdom and is super strong in magic. Who is more worthy for the crown? The technically-legitimate snotty prince? Or the heroic princess who has the qualifications, but isn’t of royal blood? If elected, Twilight would be the first queen of the land since Equestria was founded that was not of Royal Blood.
Twilight hates this. She hates the prospect of inheriting so much power in so little a time. It gives her too many enemies and responsibilities, and she is unused to receiving so much in exchange for so little. She refuses the bribes, stands against the threats, turns down the offers of alliance, all hoping to diminish her presence and give Blueblood the throne. Naturally, this just makes her look even more likable and intriguing. She hates it. It's like she's struggling against destiny. Spike, however, encourages her to take power so Blueblood can’t have it. Good people must wield power, even reluctantly. So Twilight relents.
Rarity experiments dating Blueblood at the GGG, and Blueblood falls for her hard. But he falls out of Rarity's approval after his behavior is exposed. Firestorm, meanwhile, does not care at all for the event until one girl comes up to him and seems interested. Firestorm, not having planned this far ahead, tries to court her, but it's soon revealed that she only did it because she pitied him. He was alone. An indignant Firestorm tries to prove her wrong by asking out other women, but they all look on him with disgust. Except one, who he inadvertently finds out only did it on a dare. Rarity and Firestorm’s experiences at this event provide them both with really negative opinions of the opposite gender, resulting in extreme animosity towards each other in the early stages of the adventure.
Meanwhile, things go almost too smoothly for Noble and Fluttershy. Noble is wearing a mask to conceal his identity; he hasn't been seen in public since his abdication of his claim to the throne. They all know it's Noble under there. And he and Fluttershy have talked before. But Fluttershy gradually warms up to him in an ensuing conversation. And he lifts up his mask to peck her on the cheek. They don't dare try to go any further; neither of them can believe it.
Before the vote can be cast during the climax of the snooty, stuffy, materialistic night, Scorpan crashes the party, still as an anthropomorphic gargoyle. His appearance and mannerisms shock the nobility, and the fact that he claims to be a prophet is even more inflammatory. He reveals the Noxxa's plans, turns Blueblood's backside red when he attacks him, opens Celestia's mind so she remembers the things that happened before the earth was made, tells her to inform Twilight, and announces his desire to reform the church so it's reoriented around Faust. All this raises the ire of the nobility, but Scorpan privately takes delight in rustling their feathers. He had the exact same reaction in the Baghdadn country. He cannot tolerate sin being so accepting and openly championed.
(This is revealed in a flashback, of course. His entrance to the Baghdad queen's court would be very Elijah-style: he busts the doors open, enters the main halls, publicly denounces the queen, and declares a plague upon the face of the land once they inevitably put a bounty on his head. Then he escapes into the northern countries.)
Celestia explains the backstory of the world and sends Twilight off to search for the person who knows the locations of the other Elements. Twilight jumps at the opportunity to play a part that doesn't include being forced to wear a crown. But at first, she is overcome by the prospect that she might do it alone. But more and more people voluntarily join her entourage until she has eight companions. The three Guardians. The three ladies. Spike. And Trixie, who wants to prove herself against Twilight.
Trixie still doesn't believe she is sane; who would turn down the opportunity for the crown? So she wants to expose Twilight's true motives, which she thinks are actually the same as her own: make up for her failure to act when Tirek appeared and this time, dispel her self-doubt, prove her courage to the rest of the world, and secure the crown for herself. Naturally, this mindset disappears over the course of the journey.
Here is where the actual adventure begins.
They don’t go into an alternate dimension where they’re all humans, since they’re all humans here! Instead, they search for Celestia’s previous magic counselor before Twilight came along, who one day disappeared into the northern mountains to seek out the mysteries of the heavens using Star Swirl’s notes and scripture to determine when the end times will occur. (She will play the role of Sunset Shimmer)
They go as far as they can by train and trek north for a few days until they stop, cold and exhausted, at the old home of a farm boy. “Applejack” is a simple young man trying to make the most of his cold circumstances. Years of experience taking care of his sickly mother and little sister alongside his older brother has made him tough, but humble and long-suffering. He is a simple man who reads his scriptures, even if he doesn't entirely grasp them all.
He initially refuses to accompany them, because he needs to take care of his family, but he still has dreams of adventure and leaving the farm--brought about by the party's arrival. And after a contemplative moment where, in the act of sweeping his porch, he looks into the setting sun and adjusts his broom so it's like a sword, he does face the fact that he wants this, despite his aching guilt over leaving his family in times of need.
But after another Nox attack coordinated by Captain Slath (The Noxxa captain in the EqG world) devastates the home and they mount a desperate defense (like that one Clone Wars episode on Saleucami with the deserter), Applejack faces the reality that they will have to flee to the safety of Canterlot. His brother, sister, and mother trek back to the railway line while Applejack stays with the others and joins them in their quest.
Conflict is generated by the introduction of his simple ideas with the high-society nature of most of the other companions. Firestorm gets along well with him, but he's one of the few who initially do; he's one of the only ones accustomed to such simple ways. He's also the most religious one in the group except for maybe Noble. Everyone else has to warm up to the divinity of their quest.
Reaching a desolate nightclub in a mining town in the snowy north, they peek around for a lead and get directed to the bartender herself. She's Sunset, working part-time to help pay for bare necessities. “Sunset” provides a whirlybird ride back to her observatory, but it gets attacked along the way by flying Noxxa and are forced to crash right before they reach the enormous observatory.
With Twilight and Trixie's help, Sunset is finally able to decipher the clues in the heavens, but is shocked to discover that it's literally on top of them. It's also during this time when their studies of the stars reveal the first location of the Elements: in the land of the desert-dwellers, in the cold hand of the dark queen. Twilight also wants to discern who corresponds to certain Elements. But before she can, the Noxxa attack the observatory.
The Captain discovers that Freedom Fighter is the Unforgiven, and after he dies, Freedom is asked to elaborate. He refuses. But Applejack mentions that in the scriptures, the term Unforgiven is mentioned frequently. Sunset, upon this revelation, agrees to accompany the girls on their journey, which Twilight is giddy by. She's found a kindred soul within her that Trixie couldn't supply. This just deepens the divide between Trixie and Twilight.
They travel back to town and make their way to the end of the railroad. Twilight and Sunset have a big, deep conversation, all meaningful and relatable. Then the train is hijacked by Noxxa and derails, killing Sunset.
Twilight is sent spiraling into a deep depression that looms over her for a lot of the journey. She lost the one person who she felt actually understood her on a fundamental level. Trixie is conflicted. What to do about her? Draw closer to her? Or would that do more harm than good?
The group sets out from the flaming wreckage of the train and treks southward into the desert to search for the first Element: in the grasp of the queen of Baghdad.
Expansion about this Baghdad: They are similar to Equestria only insofar as they are heavily isolationist, refusing to accept new technologies in the fear that it will modernize their way of life and upset tradition.
Most of their population is condensed into either rural, poor villages made of straw and dirt, or sprawling, bustling cities made of stone and clay. Their main exports are slaves, gold, and salt, and their main imports are water, wheat, and sugar. They take slaves from both neighboring countries and themselves. They don't worship Faust at all, and they kill anyone who tries to preach her to them. Under the direction of the queen.
The queen is very… whorish, to say the least. Despite her active lifestyle, she has only been blessed with one spoiled four-year-old child who never knew his father. She’s so adamant against Faust because it reminds her of what she perceives to be an unjust and alien culture she was forced to be born into. She was actually born to an Equestrian father, and so possesses magic, but stayed in her ethnic homeland to secure the throne for herself in “Political Maneuvering”--AKA, sleeping her way to the top.
This culture places a huge value in sex appeal. Due to the temperature in the desert, they expose skin, which naturally arouses people. Even for those who cover their skin head to toe in order to protect against the sun, it’s just that bigger of a deal when any skin is shown at all. They learned over time to not see it as a problem, but rather something vital to their identity and something to be embraced and promoted and central to most social relations. It's an in-universe explanation as to why Rainbow has this compulsory need to do the things she does to Firestorm, and why she gets confused by his resistance and his vow of celibacy. Over time, she sees things from his way and adopts the Faustian ways.
Because this country is where this story's Rainbow Dash comes from. She was originally a member of the army, and as recognition for her devoted service, she was assigned to a noblewoman to be her reluctant companion. But she was sexually abused (as these relationships often end up) and after taking the pill, realizing she does have agency, she kills her. She ran away and is now a wanted criminal living on the road as a masked robber.
Book 3
The first chapter is from Rainbow's perspective as she's living on the road all alone. Ruminating and determination and loneliness, you know. One robbery was well-deserved, but another robbery was averted when she realized they were just pilgrims. Then she comes across a rather large group on the road dressed in fancy clothes. She tries to rob them, but soon realizes she's in way over her head once they pull out weapons and activate magic.
The party encounters her on the road, and Firestorm duels her. They both become mutually interested by each other's fighting prowess in the midst of their duel, and the interest deepens when Firestorm discovers she’s a girl. This interest is the only reason why she reluctantly accompanies them into Baghdad. She offers to be their tour guide… for a price.
En route to Baghdad, they encounter a hot spring warm enough for them to take a bath in. They separate by gender and bathe in turns, then relax in underclothes together except Freedom Fighter.
Rainbow taunts Freedom Fighter by smugly and provocatively inviting him in, saying, "What's the matter, big guy? Can't handle a bit of skin?" Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie also encourage him to join, saying he has nothing to be afraid of, that his suit's beginning to smell, that he shouldn't be ashamed of his body image.
This is when Freedom Fighter snaps. He mercilessly mocks the girls for implying he was insecure about himself, irritating his damaged throat with hoarse and demeaning laugher, the first real sound we hear out of him. Angrily taking one body part out of the suit at a time, he demonstrates his condition at last and reveals his scars, deformed figure, and destiny. There are two long lines visible above his underwear's waistband going into his crotch; the implication why he hated Rainbow's sexual comment is evident. He doesn't have anything to look forward to in that area.
With the Guardian's translation, he gives a condensed retelling of his experiences. He is unremorseful to the girl's shocked reactions. "What's the matter, fat fool? Can't handle a bit of skin?" is what he venomously signs to a humbled Rainbow. (Firestorm spares her the insult in translation and says it's Idiot Cabbage instead.) He spits blood at them, refuses to bathe with them, and sulks in his tent as the rest of the group bathes in silence.
Whether he likes it or not, he has begun to smell, especially after wearing the same thing day after day. Freedom Fighter waits until night so no one catches him backing off on his choice, then sneaks off to the hot spring and strips, removing his metal arm so it doesn't get rusted. His wounds make it difficult to enter the hot water, and when he slips on the edge, he flails in the water helplessly with only one arm. But he's saved by Twilight, who noticed him sneaking off. She offers to help him bathe, and an infuriated and humiliated Freedom Fighter agrees.
When she tries to pour some water over his head, he's reminded of Noxxa torture and pushes her away, clawing at the wall of the spring to escape. But when he realizes that it's all okay and it's just her, he becomes bashful instead, and when Twilight reassures him and takes his hand in hers, holding him by the side and looking up to him, he breaks into tears and leans into Twilight for the first time on the trip. It's a very intimate and touching moment for him, and a confusing but warm moment for Twilight.
It's also during this time, before the night falls, when Noble and Fluttershy finally get together and kiss for the first time. They both love it. Neither of them can fall asleep for a long, long time.
Once they reach the country and see the people's circumstances, Rarity is appalled that this culture would make slaves of their own race and export them. All this time, she'd been of the opinion that Equestria was doing wrong by not having a strong enough Baghdad population, and that they were a poor, oppressed people in dire need of help due to outside circumstances. After all, she does want to look out for others' best interests. But upon seeing the result of their own actions, she feels a bit unsure about it.
They reach the capitol, keeping a relatively low profile along the way. They don't want to alert the guards to Rainbow's desertion, after all. On the way, they encounter the openly sinful and hedonistic nature of their civilization. Several members are eager to destroy the slave trade altogether, while others are of the opinion that it isn't why they came there.
They encounter the queen after being admitted to the palace on grounds of Twilight's title. In their audience with the queen, they are told about the drought brought on by Scorpan’s visit some weeks ago and their personal interests; to make up for the lack of water, they have intensified their slave trade in order to export people and import water. Not to mention, being at war with the forces of the Storm King has caused confusion and delay in the trade, since the slavers are attacked on the routes.
While this dialogue is occurring, the queen’s four-year-old child is being disruptive, which the queen does not address. Firestorm, in an attempt to be courteous, tries to play with the child around the throne room, which results in hijinks. The child is very physical and screams and punches him a lot, which doesn’t really hurt Firestorm, but it does tire and exasperate him. The queen, of course, makes no comment.
The Element bearers tell the Queen that an “Element of Harmony” can be found within their country, and the queen accepts a negotiation. If they can help secure a slave trade route, they can have the Element. They leave to debate this choice before deciding on a middle road; they won’t necessarily help the slavers, but they will destroy some of the Storm King’s forces to the point where they can’t harass them anymore, creating the illusion that they’ve helped out. Rarity is ordered by the queen to stay at the palace for insurance that they will come back. Ironic, since she especially is peeved at the queen’s attitude, denouncing it as unladylike and evil, but secretly seeing a bit of herself in her and finding it repulsive.
After intercepting an ambush and destroying a heavily-fortified outpost belonging to the King, they return to the queen with the news. Firestorm again begins to try and play with the child despite his thin patience while the rest of them relate the experience. The queen is noticeably reluctant to part with it and smugly tells them to come back in a week. Some of them protest, but they agree by a majority that it’s the best option.
Meanwhile, during playtime, the child goes too far and spits on Firestorm’s face and laughs, shocking him. He’s immediately reminded of the spittle Freedom Fighter had described hitting his own face by the Noxxa, of the familiarity of the wetness on his cheek of the tears he had shed for his friend, and of the behavior he’d seen of the Canterlot nobles spitting on common whores. The queen makes no comment on her child. The child continues to laugh, then spits again. And Firestorm snaps. His face darkens. His fists clench. And the first time we see an underlying ferocious and dark side to Firestorm, it is when he stomps on the laughing child prince in front of the queen, bringing him immediately to tears. Firestorm doesn’t care. He keeps on kicking him to the point of bloodshed, even in the act of being dragged away and thrown out of the queen’s presence. The other Element bearers are tossed out as well.
Now things are really bad. Thanks to Firestorm’s actions, the queen is now on bad terms with them, rendering everything they’d done before useless. Many are understandably upset with him. Trixie points out that the queen likely wasn't going to give it to them anyway. She seemed far too calm and smug about it. But again, the only way this could have been confirmed is if Firestorm hadn't beaten the child. Firestorm is incredibly indignant about it, which is also understandable. But he lost his temper to a child, so no one is listening to him now. This only feeds his resentment.
With the option of diplomacy thrown out the window and Firestorm’s voice discarded, a new option is presented: come out in open rebellion, destroy the slave trade, disrupt the economy, and use it as a threat against the queen if she does not relinquish her Element. On the one hand, it’s not as if their relations can be improved now, and the slave trade does need to be abolished. On the other hand, if there is still a way for the situation to be resolved peacefully, some of them want to take it.
Five in the party--Firestorm, Freedom Fighter, Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack--split away and mount a steadily-rising incursion against slave traders. Noble, Rarity, Fluttershy, Spike, Twilight, and Trixie are conflicted about the right path, but once the five dissenters get arrested and a bounty is placed on the rest of them, they decide to take more direct action.
In secret, Trixie leaks vital information to the Storm King's forces. They prepare for an ambush on the capitol with their airships.
While the others instigate a jailbreak and Trixie disables the anti-aircraft ballista towers, Rarity has been fed up with the queen's "ladyship." Her experiences with Firestorm on the road have really opened her eyes to how bad her prideful feminism really is, and now knows real womanhood when she sees it. She duels the queen with magic, man-to-man, so to speak, and she kills her and takes the prize from her neck. But she is arrested by the queen's sickly thin and gangly chief counselor, along with her other friends, and sentenced to death. The child ratted on them.
But on the very day they are all about to be hanged, the Storm King penetrates the capitol city using his secret fleet of dirigibles and decimates the inhabitants, giving them a chance to escape in the chaos. His entrance highlights his sadistic nature as well as his desire to have fun in it. It also briefly introduces Tempest Shadow, R63'd for gender balance. Tempest and the Elements catch a glimpse of each other in the madness before the Elements manage to escape.
Tempest remarks that the queen won't have the secret weapon they came to snatch, but the Element bearers almost certainly would. The Storm King agrees to pursue them.
Book 4
This is the point in the story where they travel to the ruins of Maretania on the coast and descend into the bowels of the earth, where Firestorm gets his Element and he and Rainbow get together once they're trapped under the rubble. From there, everything more or less proceeds according to the fic.
Back on the home front, more attention will be paid to wartime efforts. I’m a little ashamed of how abruptly the whole thing ended in the fic. I intend to address it more! So this is my first draft.
Scorpan's purpose is to bring about a renewal of the faith and re-instill the values of a Goddess-oriented society. He denounces the way things are being done currently and breaks down the system only to forge it back stronger than ever. (Until persecution sets in from the staunch Orthodox priests.) He admonishes Celestia for allowing her kingdom to fall into corruption and entropy, with her excuse being care and freedom over her people. (And here comes a talk about freedom and what that actually means.)
Scorpan is far more outspoken about their wickedness because he knows what he believes in is right, and the end times are upon them. He doesn’t care if he gets reviled about being outspoken. Perhaps it’s a good thing to be outspoken. Despite being under the protection of the queen, he is quickly hated by the masses because of propaganda spread by the stiff Orthodox church and Blueblood.
Before Celestia explains things to the court after Twilight leaves, Scorpan also speaks to Celestia about monarchy and her responsibilities. Done unrighteously, monarchies bring about severe injustices. However, “If it were expedient that all rulers should fear the Goddess and serve Her with all their heart, and bring about a righteous nation, then it would be sufficient that there should always be a monarch.” Celestia is not the Goddess, but she makes a grand substitute. Scorpan advises against appointing Blueblood to a monarch, bringing up the fact that he attacked him for being the brother of Tirek. So Celestia has to rise to the occasion, stop living in fear of her failing capabilities, and become who she was meant to be: the presiding authority over Faust’s children.
Celestia emerges to the rest of the nobility at the gala and declares her alliance with Scorpan. She also announces herself as the firstborn of Faust, which causes outrage from the Orthodox church leaders, declaring it blasphemy. Celestia denies Blueblood the throne and appoints herself as the ruler of Equestria, citing the emergency of the Noxxa invasion. This news does not bode well with the nobility, who see it as Celestia using it as an excuse to seize the throne for herself, even though the only other option is a spoiled brat. It becomes more and more apparent to their feeble minds that Celestia is not to be trusted with power.
K’ra, the Nox who followed Scorpan into Canterlot, overhears the discussion between the Prophet and the Lightbringer and is scared. With Celestia leading a unified Equestria, the Noxxa just might lose in a full-blown engagement. He gives the news to Blueblood, who spills the secret to the Orthodox church leaders. Celestia is planning on ruling forever! The decisions should be in the hands of the people! And public opinion against Celestia begins to grow. Blueblood becomes outspokenly anti-Scorpan, bringing with him resentment of Faust’s message.
Celestia, throughout it all, tries to manage both a war far away and contention in her own city. Despite years of practice, Celestia increasingly finds things out of her control, which lead to sequestering doubt in her head. Rebellion has never been this high, and Celestia ascribes it to her own failure to enforce the proper standards of morality and Faustian ethics. This nagging doubt, of course, impedes her capabilities even more.
When the attempted bombing of the foreign diplomats happens and Scorpan is accused by Blueblood, it looks suspicious once the now-revered Blueblood disappears from the scene. A dark conspiracy arises against Celestia and Scorpan. Tensions reach a boiling point. Scorpan is eventually tarred and feathered, his followers are killed or cast out of the capitol, and Scorpan preaches despite his wounds until commanded by Faust. Celestia is also cast out of the city, the chief Orthodox priest who was loyal to Blueblood seizes the throne, and Canterlot becomes a “Utopia” akin to CHOP/CHAZ.
Then plagues come upon the people. People start to lose possessions once they put them down to sleep. Fires rage in different districts, and whether they were set by human hands or angelic hands, no one knows. Gnats, mice, and blood in the water supply give way to rampant diseases. And Equestria doesn't have the necessary technological advancements in medicine to treat these kinds of diseases. Despite (very sudden) popular demand, Scorpan disappears and doesn’t return in the story again until the Siege of Foal Mountain.
“Fine. Then suffer.”--Scorpan’s general attitude.
Celestia seeks out Firestorm’s sister (Remember, she was also in training?) who is already at this point a respected military officer renowned for her judgment and tactical mind. By this time, the front lines have already engaged multiple times in smaller skirmishes before escalating into full-blown battles the likes of which you’ll find in the Book of Alma. But Equestrian forces are suffering from hunger and fatigue while they bleed and die. Spitfire is enraged with Celestia for not providing aid to the front lines when they need it. Think Captain Moroni, to continue with the Book of Mormon parallels. And she writes several angry letters to Celestia that she only receives after she is cast out of the city.
(It’s worth mentioning at this point that this is also when the Element bearers send a squad into Canterlot to pull off the heist of Twilight’s Element. They see the horrible conditions of the people and city and are mortified. But they make it out okay, go to the Tree of Harmony, meet Cookie Cutter and his siblings, kill them, and retrieve the rest of their Elements.)
When Celestia eventually meets up with Spitfire, she explains the circumstances, and Spitfire manages to relent. They create a banner and amass a citizen’s army on their march back to Canterlot, but this requires pulling forces back from the front lines, leaving the Noxxa free to invade at a much quicker pace. Celestia and Spitfire’s forces, another commander (Glitz) and her forces, and the last-minute reinforcements of Scorpan and his followers (Including Applejack’s family) desperately hold them back at Foal Mountain before speeding back to Canterlot and easily retaking it.
Canterlot is by this point almost unrecognizable. The remaining inhabitants have already been decimated by a mix of plague, incompetent decision-makers, their own personal vices, and rioting. The loyalists to Celestia are forced to take up arms against their enemies, which are now nearly at their own gates. And the rebellious, including nearly all of the nobility and old churchmen in charge, are easily executed. The only exception would be Trixie’s parents. Blood seeps into the cracks in the cobblestones. Filth covers the buildings. Fires spit and crackle in merchant stands and homes.
Celestia laments how if it weren’t for the division among them, they might have been able to win the war. But Canterlot is in ruins already. How can they win? And the siege of Canterlot begins. Piles of bodies lie in the streets from the plagues, the retaking of the city, and now the siege from the Noxxa. Despite their best efforts, the Noxxa have taken half the city by the time the Elements of Harmony cleanse the land and wipe them all out. (Kinda reminds you of the siege against Jerusalem right before the Lord comes down, splits the Mount of Olives, and destroys the invaders, spoiler alert.)
Celestia reclaims the throne after the Elements return and vows to rule forever in righteousness with the help of the Goddess. Those who remain sustain her and bow to the rightful queen. Celestia would be the second-longest running queen in history, next only to Queen Elizabeth.
Some general notes:
The exposition, worldbuilding, or lore is a potent spice that is best introduced in sporadic doses over the entire story's length, seasoning the entire cut of meat across the entire length. So naturally, the best course of option is to dump everything relevant to the entire overarching story into the first few chapters. That's the perfect time to introduce things that will only crop up in later books. Our readers certainly came into this story expecting to be tested, but not in a stimulating way. They will gladly appreciate this dent into their memorization skills.
This outline is an exception, since it gives a basic timeline of important events in a very short amount of time. I'm really sorry if this comes across as a wall of paragraphs and meaningless words. This is just me organizing my thoughts for the future in a clear way.
A story like this would not be possible if the scriptures were not a part of my life. Thank goodness I knew the intricacies of the scriptures well enough to construct a story based on them. The scriptures aren’t copyrighted or fiction; they’re history. And history is always drawn upon for inspiration.
This version of Trixie will serve the purpose of Starlight Glimmer in ARLA and will accompany them on their journey. Not only does Twilight not have a pupil at this time, Trixie just has a far more dynamic and interesting character that she can grow and develop from. In fact, most of the party members are not so much compelled by destiny, but rather by their closeness to Twilight and their desire to either protect her or figure out their own way through their trials. They include the three Guardians acting as bodyguards, her three ladies in waiting, her adopted brother, and her magical rival trying to prove her worth, as well as meeting Applejack, Rainbow, and Tempest along the way. Applejack and Tempest I'm planning to retcon into boys to more fully round out the cast.
There will only be five Elements in the Tree of Harmony when Rarity and Firestorm first explore the castle under Twilight’s direction. The missing Element will be Rarity’s which she will acquire when they visit Baghdad. It gives them a reason to go and makes the War in Heaven more evenly split.
The reason why they don’t just take the five Elements out of the Tree of Harmony right off the bat is because it makes the most sense. They don’t want to draw too much attention to themselves. If they do wander the continent with these artifacts of extreme power, it will draw the attention of many dangerous and unstable men like the Storm King. While it’s true that they might be able to use the Elements to repel them, they have no idea of the capacity of these Elements except Twilight. Power without discipline is nothing; without their bearer's experiences to shape them into worthy bearers first, the Elements will not respond to their commands. Besides, they already have the location of five of them down, so why would they take them out and potentially lose them on their journey if they’re perfectly safe where they are? They can always come back for them later. It’s not as if someone else could just pluck them out. We know this in the case of Cookie Cutter. And even after all that is said and done, they don't even have some of the people that can bear the Elements yet. Applejack and Rainbow are still not in their party. What are they going to do, lug them around until they meet them and go, "No time to explain, here's a necklace, now come join us,"?
Noble's family sword has a name in this revised story, like all fantasy novels need: Battleborn.
Firestorm's swords… Des and Troy? I'm kidding! I really don't know. (Although now I can't get the image out of my head of Firestorm dual-wielding AR-15s. It just seems strangely appropriate.)
I’m not too confident about Chrysalis’ chances of making it into this story. She was largely irrelevant in both the story and the show even with six seasons of buildup. The biggest contribution she made to the story would have to be her magic-nullifying throne-rocks. I can probably find another way to enter those in.
I’m not certain how many books I can squeeze out of this. If this can be a series, I certainly can’t squeeze it into a trilogy. I do have a general idea of where breaks in the narrative would be, though.
Book one: Beginning up to the first chapter of ARLA. We end on a cliffhanger, of course. Twilight's been abducted!
Book two: The Red Tower Rescue up to the GGG, then from the trip up north up to the train crash and death of Sunset Shimmer.
(A common thread you’ll notice is either the introduction or discarding of a character or faction to bolster interest for the following book. In Book five, for example, we introduce a new faction, but kill off three seemingly-important characters of that faction at the very end.)
Book three: Meeting Rainbow on the way into Baghdad and the entire plot thread there. This introduces Tempest Shadow and the Storm King to the audience, which plays a big part in the next book.
Book four: the trip to Maretania up to the Battle of Mount Aris. This gives us the addition of Tempest Shadow, but not necessarily his conversion, which can be looked forward to in the next book.
Book five: the Black Fang arc and the retrieval of the Elements. Scorpan is accused and thrown out, Celestia locates Spitfire, and Canterlot is in its rebellious phase. The end is in sight!
Book six: Elemental Fury, The Siege of Foal Mountain, Stormkeeper, Dragon Lord Malice, and Split. The party has been separated! And the home forces retake an evil Canterlot!
Book seven: Land of Desolation to the end. It's over now!
I hope this is a sufficient copy of my notes/brainstorming.
I love the expanded beginning, the new political side-plot, and the complete overhaul of the wartime side-plot as well. It gives the world a much more complex, much larger feel to it. Also, the changes to how the characters' relationships progress is pretty cool too. They aren't immediately fans of each other, and in some cases even distrust one another, but throughout the course of the story, that trust and friendship grows into a powerful bond. That is an awesome change/addition.
Obviously the names of the characters, places, and certain artifacts will have to be changed, but you already know that.
Only thing I'm not really a fan of is Firestorm's scene with the Queen's kid. I get that it's to show that he has a dark side, but It just feels a little too out of character for him (or at least, out of character for the pony version of Firestorm, but this one is pretty different). There are other, more subtle ways to show that a character has a darker side. Firestorm's funny, so maybe try to inject a bit of really dark humor in there once in a while to make the other characters be like "wait, did he really just say that?"; or maybe he takes a little too much pleasure in fighting/killing; or maybe every so often whenever people even just mildly annoy him he flashes them a strong, rage-filled glare that he quickly tries to suppress, but people notice it anyway.
Building up to a boiling point for a character with a dangerous temper and sinister side is much more believable and more satisfying for the reader than the just exploding out of the blue. As for the scene with the Queen's kid, maybe instead of him beating the kid up, he could attack him verbally with a smug, sinister smirk, as if he's enjoying toying with the kid, only for the others to shut him down immediately and for him to realize in horror what he's done, but by then, the damage has been done and the Queen wants nothing to do with them and has them thrown out of the city. The scene works just as well, and gains the same result, but it's far more in-character and shows the reader just what it is all those hints from before were trying to say: that Firestorm has a dark side, and it's nasty.
Remember, these are the heroes we're rooting for in the story here. Having them beat up kids isn't exactly something that's easily forgivable, but while words can often hurt more than fists, they can also be more easily forgiven by both the characters and the readers if the person who says them is truly remorseful, which Firestorm is.
Overall though, aside from that one scene, I'd say that this is a great first draft! Some other tweaks need to be made here and there, but otherwise I'd say that you have enough here to start writing. You've clearly put a loooot of thought into the expansions for the beginning and middle.
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Yeah, with the benefit of hindsight and a peer review from someone who clearly cares, I can see how that one scene would not be conducive to Firestorm's character. Your idea sounds much better. If/when he finishes the rant by calling him a son of a whore, that might be the breaking point that gets him kicked out.
Overall, thanks for reading the whole thing. It feels good to have someone know my plans and appreciate the intricacies involved in creating them. And who appreciates the biblical parallels. Occasionally, I'd just directly quote scripture or create an entire arc focused around an event from the scriptures. Pop culture references are one thing, but biblical passages are something else. Not many people know the Word of God intricately enough to locate and like a lot of what I put in.
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No problem, my friend. I'm always happy to help.
Also, regarding this part...
I think you'd enjoy the novel I'm writing as a hobby. I don't plan on publishing it (because its completion will take literal decades due to its length and sheer massive amount of world-building), but I do have the first few chapters available on a Google doc for public viewing. I think as a Christian you'll find quite a bit of enjoyment in it. When you get a chance, take a look. (Fair warning, it is a little long.)
Here you go.
5565214
Well, you weren't wrong. Sweet Celestia, that's quite a bit. I came back here after reading the letter by the President of the NEF just to let you know I'm intrigued. It has quite a history. I thought it would be about the Liberals exiled to Australia. (As they should be--why do all criminals go to Australia? They can easily get their hands on all the iocane powder they want!) But instead it's about the aliens. I'm sure they crop up later in an important role, but for now, I suppose the aliens are the bigger threat.
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Well, the Unbound aren't Liberals getting exiled to Australia, trust me (in fact, political leaning doesn't really matter to them). But besides that, they do indeed have a huge role in the story, as you'll see.
5565223
I have noticed, though, that more and more often, people think that freedom means freedom from any and all expectations of society and freedom from the consequences of their actions. They reject long-standing laws in favor of subjective realities. People nowadays call wicked things good, and good things wicked.
"And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free-" We're not free, and we haven't been for a long time. Sin is captivity. And wickedness never was happiness. So many people don't realize it, and they likely never will.