Mr. Boutin Doesn't Know How Deserts Work (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 20) · 5:01pm May 9th, 2021
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Theresa the oil baron.
And now:
Chapter Twenty! Eight left! Woohoo!
Three weeks have passed, and Theresa's about to raise the land bridge to Crete. She can't just raise it normally, though, the Mediterranean's too deep. Whatever 'raising it normally' even means in this context anymore.
So instead, she modifies the program she used to bring down the gold from orbit. This time, it'll be bringing mud from the Atlantic and building a bridge. It takes two weeks to finish.
Some of the Israelis cheered. Others weren’t so happy. Not all of them wanted to leave no matter what the OPEC situation descended to. Yeah, well, when they saw a gun pointing at their children’s heads they would change their minds.
Jesus Christ, Theresa, you can't just go from zero to a hundred like that on me! It's bad for my heart!
With that done, a new problem comes in the form of a representative from Saudi Arabia, who wants to meet with Theresa in Geneva. Alone. Theresa complains that she's only eighteen. Bit late for that now, I think.
Mr. Blair goes over what their negotiations will probably look like. To summarize this six page long affair, Blair suspects that the Saudi representative, on behalf of OPEC, will ask that the oil island be governed by a consortium of all nations that drill for oil. In exchange, they'll drop the world poor fund thing and the demands regarding Israel.
To speak frankly, I support the poor fund thing. Theresa's so rich at this point that it's stupid. She could at least set up a charity organization or something.
Anyway, Theresa insists there be a television camera in the room during negotiations. They go to Geneva. Steve is carrying a suspicious manila envelope.
Theresa has a surprise.
Theresa and the Saudi representative walk into the meeting room. Theresa barely pays any attention to him. She doesn't care. She insists on speaking first.
From the envelope, she produces satellite views of various deserts, including the Saudi Arabian desert, which Theresa insists that 'not even bacteria grow in', which is a blatant untruth, and you'd think that the representative would call her out on this, but no.
Theresa then makes the claim that these deserts are so desert-y because they're flat.
Mr. Boutin doesn't understand how deserts work. Allow me to explain.
The reason Saudi Arabia is a desert is because it falls in a particular band at ± 30° latitude. It is common for land in this area to be desert, because of the way the Hadley Cell circulates the gasses in our atmosphere. In short, a lot of the moisture in the atmosphere is lost before it descends at that band at ± 30° latitude. This results in a lack of rainfall. There are some exceptions to this due to ocean currents and local climates, like Florida, but this is the reason Saudi Arabia is a desert. It has little to do with how flat it is or isn't. Otherwise, the American midwest would be a desert, too. Additionally, some deserts are caused by mountains blocking rain-producing weather patterns. It's called a rain shadow.
All of this came from less than five minutes on Google, by the way. I guess that's five minutes more than Mr. Boutin spent.
Anyway, the point of all of this is that Theresa can raise mountains in Saudi Arabia, create lakes, and turn it into a verdant paradise. Apparently.
Theresa then walks out of the room, having allowed the representative to say a grand total of nothing.
Meanwhile, Theresa's big ball of solar diamonds has arrived in orbit. Theresa brings down a three-hundred foot high and eight-hundred foot wide pile of them on a British army base.
She then—oh, here we go—she takes a stream of these diamonds and sends them around the dark side of the planet, such that they reflect light from the sun onto the side of the planet where it's supposed to be nighttime.
After five days, the ring is complete. Theresa has achieved 24-hour daylight. Everyone is happy about this, for some reason. I guess Mr. Boutin can't fathom why anyone would want the night to exist.
By the time she's done, it's not quite as bright as day during what used to be the night, but it is enough to recognize someone from a hundred yards away.
Meanwhile, Theresa is planning something she's calling The Big Surprise. It has something to do with water. I can feel the dread forming in the pit of my stomach.
Also meanwhile, the whole oil island thing is going well. That is, until a fishing boat crashes into the side of a 210,000 ton oil tanker and explodes, creating a sixty-foot hole in the side of the tanker. Oops.
Thus ends the chapter. See you next time, folks.
So Theresa is literally a Bond villain now. Like, the second sun thing is the villain's plot from Die Another Day, which I'm assuming is where the author got the idea from.
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...Y’know what? Keep that film in mind.
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ohno
Theresa really just abolished night. Luna's gonna be PISSED.
You say this as though it is the only thing he doesn't understand...
I literally have no idea where this eternal day idea came from, save to show that Theresa's godlike powers can, in fact, do that.
Oh wow, something actually happened that might create tension!