Theresa Does an Exodus (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 21) · 4:52pm May 10th, 2021
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Deserts are hard.
And now:
So the people who blew up that oil tanker were terrorists, as you might have guessed. Old associates of Al-Qaeda, as it turns out. Also, the boat they used was called the 'Deep C Guy'. Just want to put that out there.
Theresa and Steve are watching TV when this happens. Theresa discovers that people in OPEC countries are celebrating in the streets because of this, because that's just what people do now I guess. She runs off to cry. Mrs. Parker comes in and tells her that bearing these kinds of burdens is just the lot of women, which is supposed to calm her down, I guess? And also not be kind of misogynistic? But on we go.
Theresa responds by halving the price of her oil barrels to ten dollars per. She then calls up the PoTUS and asks that her parents be protected by the army. She's declaring war on OPEC, and she's about to evacuate Israel. It begins in thirty-six hours.
They turn the Parkers' living room into their war room, folding tables and lawn chairs included. Theresa is enjoying this. She says that, not me. Keep that in mind the next time she complains about not wanting all of this.
She raises a mountain in the Arabian desert to remind the Saudis of her offer, four miles high, using a technique that isn't important here. Interestingly, she makes no accommodations for seismic activity caused by this, which is implied to be intentional. She's sending them a message. Hope no one was in the area at the time.
Soon enough, PM Scherzer announces the evacuation to his country.
And then Theresa parts the sea.
Well, not actually, but I imagine that's what this is meant to invoke. What she actually does is raises a pair of walls of water on either side of the land bridge at high speed. Scherzer sees this and calls Theresa 'the right hand of God'. The walls stop at a height of nine miles.
Obviously, no terrorists could get on the bridge from the sides. This was the reason I raised the water, but people suspected there was a little showboating in me, too! Can we say ‘Exodus’?
Well, there you go.
Meanwhile, in America, people begin signing up to take in Jewish families until Theresa's island is finished. Stinson makes America's support reliant on Europe's assistance in getting the Israelis to them, so they scramble to make ships and planes available.
All of this spontaneous cooperation was based on everybody’s realization that this was what I wanted. They owed me their lives; whatever the Empress wanted I’d get.
Not something you want your future dictator yadda yadda yadda. Is this joke getting old yet?
Nah.
The evacuation begins down the land bridge in a roar of shouts and car horns. Many, though, decide to walk the entire distance for religious reasons or something. Good cardio, I guess.
Anyway, all goes well. Meanwhile, the media, in fashion typical for this book, latches on to Scherzer's comment about her being the right hand of god and calls it blasphemy, that he's calling her a goddess. We get treated to another instance of Theresa's catchphrase:
They could all drop dead!
There's a bunch of minutiae after this and I just don't have the energy today to relay it. What's important is that:
- Theresa recommends Scherzer for the Nobel Peace prize over herself.
- Theresa turns the dreaded age of nineteen.
- Theresa and Steve decide it's time to head back to America.
- There's a proposal that Theresa come back on the Ronald Reagan, the same ship that conveyed her to her death plane.
- That's shot down in favor of Theresa playing quarterback in an Army-Navy football game at West Point with the crew of the Reagan.
- A Hollywood stuntman attempts to recreate Theresa's plunge from high altitude to break her record, as the anniversary is approaching. He dies, unsurprisingly.
Theresa gains an appreciation for English Conservatism, surprise surprise.
And that's it for this chapter. I'm noticing that my brain is giving up earlier and earlier with each passing day. I'll try to hold out to the end, but if my comments start to devolve into nonsense, smat's high.
Shmee you next rhyme, forks.
On an unrelated note, if someone were to have hypothetically written a piece of original horror that's too long to submit to a magazine but too short to be a novella, what do you think that hypothetical person should do with it?
Asking for a friend.
The only Exodus I wish to see right now is all memory of this story fleeing from my mind.
It's a good thing Theresa is only able to control the physical world and not life itself, or else a bunch of people would have dropped dead by now.
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Hey guess what happens next chapter.
It's not exactly the same.
But it's close.
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