when i let you down (all no-caps alcoholic deluxe remaster) · 6:21am Apr 19th, 2021

so i was talking to this chick, yeah? it might have not been a chick for all you know, but since i'm just some fuck on the internet who could literally be saying anything and you have no real way to verify whether it's true or not, you'll just have to go with whatever i say. it could have been some dude for all you know. or some enby individual, for that matter. youll never have any concrete way of knowing. but for the sake of making me look extra cool and suave we'll say it was one of them coveted females all the kids are raving about these days.

in any case, i was talking to this chick the other day while waiting for the bus. we'd been chatting about something or other, probably some bullshit about which mtv celebrity got their covid vaccination yet or something like that, and then outta nowhere—outta the gosh danged blue—she asks me:

"What was that you wanted to tell me about the end of the world again?"

The way she asked it, it reminded me of being a kid back in school: genuinely asking a teacher too used to dealing with uninterested and unmedicated terrors and not being pay enough to deal with this crap in order to reasonably be expected to give an answer of any substance, and still hoping that they'd respond with anything but the regurgitated lines that had been memorized over the years "teaching" in those bleak and government fund-starved brick shithouses.

And from that thought, due to my unfortunate existence as one of those lmao squee XD omg so random ADHD folxxx, that ponderance about the Amerikkkan education system sent my pockmarked and half-rotted brain on another path: How cruel it is that I treat those who are just like me the exact same way i was treated that made me this way? I have that chance to be someone who I would have wanted—who I would have killed to have in my youth, to be someone who'd be the only thing i ever needed or wanted—to be there for someone else when they need it the most. Someone who understands what it's like to be obnoxious and overbearing and who never shuts up and who wants to know everything even (especially) the things they have no right to know and who wants to have the best intentions with every act but can't help but to fuck it all up whenever they go for it. How cruel is it that I treat those who want that person i desperately craved to have had my whole life, who I wanted all those years, to treat them the way everyone i grew up hating treated me? I lay awake in my bed for days, every venue of instant communiqué that the human race has developed at my fingertips, and i am too ashamed and self absorbed to respond to anything these people who care about me and love me and deserve me to be that person for them—i dont have a single thing to respond to what they say.

there are a lot of individual things i want to say to every one of those people. but as a whole, as a collective, in a generalized sense, i say this:

I love music that sounds like the lyrics were ripped straight from my veins and mutilated all over the filthy tiles of a public bathroom in Kanaha. i love those lyrics torn from the pages of teenage diaries scribbled with mallgoth-tier band logos in the margins. I love that Scene Aesthetic™, that Hot Topic look. I wanna be eighteen forever, and I want to stay like this forever, and I don't want to have to think about what Jesse Lacey did every time I listen to Brand New even though I have to.

and i'm sorry for that.

i could have belonged. i could have been someone. i could have made myself queen of the hive. i try to tell myself i dont want that but ive always been a fucking liar and i dont make exceptions for myself just because i'm me.

but i digress. What i told her, that kind young lady at the bus stop, was that I didn't know. i told her i was just waiting for the bus just like she was. I told her i would be down to grab her number and maybe chill sometime and talk about why kurt cobain killed himself if she was into that kinda thing. she sat as far away as she could from me on the bus when it came and i never heard from or saw her again after she got off at her stop at market and main.

i called the pigs on someone who lives a couple properties over from me who i've heard screaming at and physically smacking his wife for weeks now. I got the address wrong in the 911 call. aint that just like me.

got woken up by my mom the other night, her yelling at me to lay off the horse pussy and get off that white pony. all my homeboys in cody wyoming know what i'm sayin hayOOOOO!!!

It's a Nirvana kinda night, yknow? my 2012s know the story, throw me a pm if youre hungry dawg i got a couple us petrol funbux to rub the blood off of if youre interested.

i miss all of them so much you dont even know.

peace, love, and good vibrations to you all
see you on the next horsewords collective (before mayday)
kisses xdx

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Reese

Reese #1 · Apr 19th, 2021 · 1 · ·

Good luck with, well, life, I suppose? I'm afraid I'm not really sure what to say to that, sorry. Thanks for the peace, love, and good vibrations, though. :)

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