I have a serious problem and would appreciate ideas on how to handle it. · 5:23am Jan 2nd, 2021
Many of you know that I am autistic. One of the things I simply cannot do, experience, or think about, without genuinely wanting to die to never have to experience it ever again is interpersonal drama. I don't mean stuff like "will they / wont they?"questions, or friend arguing about something. I mean the stuff that threatens relationships existence. I just can't handle that many social calculations and get lost, imeadiently panic, and forget why people are screaming and need to flee or fight, and IRL my body normally chooses fight.
So yeah. That kind of drama forces me to relive the time I punched out my best friend's girlfriend when they started arguing to imeadiently abort the mental torture I was being inflicted with... Not proud of that, but I also didn't choose to do it. It's kind of hard to explain to people but sometimes I do things that are both not something I want to do and also not something I chose to do. It's like how if someone shines a bright light in your eyes, you close them and recoil. For me, when threatened, I attack. My parents spent a long time teaching me not to hit people, and for the most part it works, but when it comes to people engaging in relationship drama, I can't overcome the reflex.
It's ten times worse if I am a participant in one of those conflicts rather than just nearby one. That makes me genuinely suicidal. Within seconds my only thoughts are "If you were dead, you wouldn't have the continue to experience this. You also would be parented to never experience it again under any circumstances." and my only reaction to that is "Thank you, brain! Where is my knife?" If hell is real, it will be me chained to a wall while someone I care about screams at me over something they could have chosen to just NOT scream at me over.
Now I'm not asking you to solve that problem for me. If 30 years, professional help, and parent attention can't fix it, that's just how I'm going to be.
No, the problem is with Star Drop. See when I write, I need to get into the heads of my characters and sort of BE them while I write. It's my process. Star Drop... I wrote myself into a problem with. There has to be some conflict between Octavia and Vinyl or it wont feel complete. My sense of professionalism refuses to let that happen.
But... that means I have to subject myself to something I would actually rather die than do. Intentionally. For at least 6 hours.
That's made it impossible to want to write anymore. Like, write anything anymore. That's been a big reason why I've slowed down in addition to this year's health problems and also me taking up DMing a RPG again. Relay, I do have the time... (aside from the last week wherein I seem to have just played Cyberpunk 2077 and slept. But I beat it now so I have free time again. 10/10, do recommend BTW).
Anyone got any advice? Ways I could handle this while keeping the story feeling fulfilling for the readers, but with... work arrounds for this? Or better yet, if someone thinks they can ghost write in my style, I'll happily provide notes for the scene and pay 20 bucks for anyone else to write it so I can get past this point and do something I love again without feeling dread and horror that "Sometime soon you do need to do this thing you loath byond words.".
EDIT: Hidden very kindly provided services as a Ghost Writer for this. Please give him thanks.
Ghost writing is a definite possibility, but getting in one's style is difficult at the best of times. It's something to consider.
When writing characters, even if I love them, I sometimes take up a DM's mindset insofar as I treat them as the enemy-particularly in combat oriented D&D campaigns...or sections of campaigns. It helps distance me mentally from the suffering I might be inflicted upon my characters.
A third, albeit less viable alternative you may not like, is to write around it in some way. This may be seen as retcon/dropping a plot thread, but don't write something that makes you want to hurt yourself. That's just not healthy.
5427275 I can't even be a third party to this stuff, so option 2 is not realy viable. Three isn't too bad but I would prefer it be on page. I guess if no one offers to help within a few days I'll just do something.
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I would suggest, if you do have to follow that latter option, to be blunt. Make an author's note explaining you are suffering severe emotional distress just writing the intended scene and you had to diverge because it was unbearable. Most people are understandable about that sort of thing.
We could bump heads together, tell me what you want to see, I write the scene, you tell me if it meets your standards, if so, we go over it again until it suits. Rinse and repeat as needed. I would be happy to assist.
5427311 Hidden provided a pritty good thing. It was hard for me to read, but I managed. I think that I can poke it a bit with my editor and make it work. But I do thank you for the offer.
As someone with Asperger i have a similar problem, when i attempt to write i usualy try to make a "cheat sheat" for character's personality to distance myself, then i swich to what would he/she do in this and that situation, definitly not a perfect solution by any means but it works for me... most of the time, hope i at least gave you some ideas, and Happy New Year (i know i'm a day late but hey, better late than never)
Magnus 02 January 2021... Really hope it's better than 2020...
5427318 I do that for everything else, and it works great! It's just this specific type of social conflict is far beyond what I can handle doing or even seeing. We all have our limits.
I actually did a similar dumb in a story I was writing on a different site, Meeps, so I know what you mean. I kinda wrote myself into a point where I'm going to have to do a big courtroom...well, arc rather than just a scene....blech. I'm glad that 5427281 was able to give you something to move forward.
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I feel you, here I thought it was something related to Asperger's only. I can't write for the life of me because I have to EXPERIENCE, that brings back memories and it feels exactly like back then. You can't actually create the scene, it is more imagining and recreating through feelings alone.
A long time ago, I wanted to write some Grimdark story and ended becoming paranoid for months. Slight paranoia but still something I was not used to at the time. If I am completely in the dark, with lights out... remembering sounds and feeling steps through the floor or the slight movement inside your bed, it is not something I wish to share.
That was after me trying to write something, it sticks like an obsession in your mind. It is very hard for the body to correct what is natural for you, hard to describe your thoughts when you feel them more than you can hear them. Intuition is the word for that.
You can actually convince yourself to change, make, or completely forget/deleted memories from your mind. I forgot how I was tied up to a lamppost for half an hour or an hour in mid-school. My mother told me about that and it felt extremely weird that I could not remember it for the life of me. No emotion tie to memory should, in fact, make me remember something.
If I close my eyes, I can in fact remember places I had been to. Move my head from side to side and still see the changes in the image in my head...
For the sake of your mental health, I recommend doing a Self-fulfillment wish. A story for yourself where you can be happy or sad, angry, or angsty. Do it for yourself when you want to feel something specific.
5427363 Yeah that's the issue. I can relive times iv'e been in danger and mutate those no problem. I can relive most scocial interactions. I can't put myself back in that space ever again. I Just can't. Part of me died that day and it will never come back. Still hurts. Never goes away. I can forget it... but if I have to remember v.v
I do those all the time. I just don't write them down. Imagination's good enough for them.
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It could be worse, you could have chronic anxiety and stress with a side dish of depression and an unforgiving conscious with a bilateral logic. Basically, you understand your emotions, they have logic and reason but cannot stop them for long or it gets worse.
I learned to distance myself from my emotions and it left me with a cold feeling... like getting starved and not having any energy left to move. not caring if you eat or not... just sleeping by. Been there, done that and without even noticing or caring for it. Apathy for oneself.
I learn to read mannerisms from other people and the scenarios around them. I still cannot understand the person but the reason is something comprehendible.
I know when someone close to me is having troubles just by looking at them and hearing, the voice, the way they move betrays them before they think.
I will go to sleep now, it has been a while.
Don't think about your trigger words. Feelings before thoughts are dangerous because we give them reasons.
I wish I could help or give advice on this, your stories are always awesome. For me though when dealing with such problems I usually go very emotionally cold.. so probably not the best advice giver.
I hope you find a solution though.
On a side not what you Dming? D&D, Starfield, Pathfinder?