Cough Syrup · 3:37am Dec 20th, 2019

I lost it. My necklace. The necklace that has been with me through everything the past two years.

I never take it off. But the necklace had a hook and eye piece for a chain. It's been known to come undone. I've known every time. But not this time.

The necklace holds the first picture of my baby girl she ever sent me. I never take it off. I only take it off to shower, and I haven't done that yet today. And it's gone.

I know it sounds weird but it feels like I lost a friend. Anytime things would get bad or I'd feel sad I'd reach for it and squeeze it and remember what my goals were. It was more than just a necklace. It was a symbol of everything I wanted for my life, and I just feel... adrift and bare without it.

For two years that necklace has been with me through everything. Every fight, every flight, every trip, every job, everything. I feel like I lost a huge piece of myself. I've looked everywhere for it, even the places outside where I smoke, but It's not there.

The necklace itself is replaceable, but the memories attached to it and inside of it are priceless. I hate that it's gone.

I've been listening to music to try and cope, and these lyrics spoke to me:

Life's too short to even care at all oh
I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control

If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away
To some fortune that I, I should have found by now

And so I run to the things they said could restore me
Restore life the way it should be
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down.

I've been listening to that song, Cough Syrup, on repeat for the last hour. It inspired a work of my own. I've called it "I Have Nothing".

I have nothing
I lost the thing that brings me
Joy and now I am alone
Just walking on my own
Without a hand to hold

I have nothing
The thing I used to have was something
I cannot replace
‘Cause I can’t see your face
Anymore

I reach for you but you’re not there
I can’t find you anywhere
Where can I find you?
I think I’ve lost my mind, too
And these pills aren’t going down
And I feel like I’m gonna drown

So I’ll try and say I’m sorry
And when the night gets starry
I’ll go and look out at the moon
And use it to whisper to you
“I’ll be there soon.”

I have nothing
So I try and swallow this bitter pill
And fight the chill inside my bones
I just want to come home
To you

I have nothing.

I'm not really sure what to do with myself now. I feel so hollow. I was excited to be able to take it with me to Pensacola on my trip, but I don't think I'll be able to do that now. What's worse is tomorrow is my baby girl's birthday, and now I can't even squeeze that necklace to be able to feel connected to her.

Sorry for the sad vibes guys. I just needed to vent. I'm gonna keep looking for it, and hopefully I'll find it before my trip.

Love you all.

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