Screaming Into The Void · 10:42am February 14th
Hey guys. I know it hasn’t been long since I updated but I felt like posting on here since this is a safe place where I usually vent. Normally the life updates are pretty exciting but this one is a little sad, unfortunately. Not to bum anyone out. I just didn’t know where else to put all of this where I knew it would be safe.
I’m not doing well at all really. I don’t know why that’s so hard to say. It feels shameful somehow, even though I know it’s not. Perhaps a result of the stigma around mental health that I grew up with? I don’t know. But it’s the truth whether I like it or not. Some of it is circumstantial, and some of it is just me, but currently I just feel like a hot mess so I’m just gonna dive in.
I don’t know when exactly depression came back into my life but it feels like it happened after I got back from vacation, and it took until around now to realize why. I didn’t have anything to hide on vacation, and now I do because I’m back home and my dad is around all day. He was working a job for the first time in years most of last year but in November he got suspended from his job for some conduct with a female employee that was inappropriate. His boss, who was a friend of my uncle before he passed, said he would transfer him, but it’s been like 3 months and nothing. I don’t know a lot of the details there since the most my dad has said is that his boss hasn’t called him back. If I’m being honest entirely I don’t think that call will come. In spite of being a decent worker when he showed up my dad is lazy and he doesn’t know how to behave with women, so I don’t blame his boss in that regard. But I have had to deal with him every day since, and for that I am exhausted.
My dad won’t take his medications for high blood pressure and heart disease, and he forgets things all the time. I have literally had to turn off the stovetop that he left on with tinfoil and bacon on the range. We found out that his sister that he was no contact with passed away a couple of weeks ago, mere days before the anniversary of my uncle’s passing, so now he’s the last one of all his siblings and is just getting more angry. And on top of that, because he’s not making any money now my mom needs more help. I’m still trying to crush my debt this year and I got the first one down, but now the pressure is really on because my mom is trying to do it all, and in spite of me helping out with groceries and some utilities with my disability, it’s not enough. I tried looking into getting paid to be a caregiver for my dad but again, the work situation complicates things since he wasn’t technically fired either and that would be the only way he could collect unemployment. These days he sleeps most of the time while I try and take care of the house as much as I can so my mom has less to worry about, but the pressure is making me crack.
I’m doing a side hustle part time to help coach a friend through some stuff but I don’t make a lot for it. I didn’t really expect to, but it’s disappointing to see how fast it goes now with inflation being this awful. I can get by fine, but I know my mom can’t. She’s got two years to retirement and is yet again the sole breadwinner of the house with a husband who can’t even take care of himself, and I know she’s feeling the pressure. As much as I try and help with the bills and stuff I don’t think it’s enough. I’m trying to crush my debts still but they get substantially higher from here on out, and between them and my mom’s stress level about the finances with my dad’s controlling anger I am ready to hit the ceiling with how high my anxiety is.
In terms of self care or fulfillment I lack both. Mostly because both require money that I don’t have or that I have to put toward something else. I try and do the small things at home- making a cup of tea, watching something fun, baking things- but the balance of power is always out of whack. I’m giving too much to other people and not enough to myself, but the truth is I’m not sure I have all that much of a self to give back to, and that’s another facet of the struggle. The mask I made for myself developed in tandem with me, so I’m not really sure what lies underneath it apart from things I objectively like or dislike. I stopped working out in late December, and stopped writing sometime toward the end of last month completely. I was working on a fic every now and then through January, but I was trying to force it so now there’s the burn out.
I don’t think it would be so awful if I got to go more places that I enjoyed, but most of the time we can’t afford either the place or the gas, and my Mom doesn’t usually have the time or energy to take me anywhere she isn’t already going. I don’t like my dad driving because of his road rage. And since I don’t drive I end up feeling pretty stuck. Then again, even if my mom had more free time available I don’t know how safe it would be to leave my dad home alone anymore. Since 2019 he’s almost caused a fire in the house 4 times, and it actually came to fruition in the garage last year. Thank god my cousin was over or we would have been screwed. He forgets things a lot and I usually have to find them.
The only time I really go out anymore is to go to therapy. I like my therapist and I even made a friend there, which is nice. But whenever I go there, I can always feel how fleeting it is. My session is only an hour and I get there 30-45 minutes before it starts. After that they call my transportation and it’s back home I go. 2 hours of actually being alone per week. It sounds sad when I say it like that, but I am grateful for them. Any time to not be obligated to anyone else but myself is good.
About a week ago I met up with a friend of mine from middle school and high school. She’s expecting a baby with her partner, and the three of us hung out at her house together. And the whole time I was there I was astounded by how much her personality hadn’t changed, and it made me realize how much I had. I kept waiting for that clicking feeling inside, that thing that happens when you’re with somebody you know and who knows you well and everything is easy. But it didn’t happen, and I still don’t know what to do about it. I want to give her a pass because of the pregnancy when I know her hormones are going crazy and she’s hella pissed at her ex but part of me is afraid it’s the beginning of the end.
The one bright spot in my life is (as usual) my friends. God they’re the most amazing and supportive tribe I could have asked for. I’ve been so lucky with them. They’re there to listen and they don’t make me feel bad for having my own thoughts or opinions and they see underneath the mask. I have seen the magic of friendship firsthand with them and man it’s beautiful.
I don’t know why I’m posting this here. I was gonna post it on Reddit but Reddit people are notoriously unkind or Judgy and the mercy of MLP fans is that they’re not. I just feel like I’m waiting for something to happen but I don’t know what it is. Mostly I’m just trying not to drown with the day to day stuff, I think. I don’t know what I’m gonna do next, but I guess I’ll find out whether I like it or not.
I don’t really give much of a damn for myself at this moment in time but I do for my mom. A lady who’s worked as a teacher for 38 years and taught kindergarteners Sunday school for another 14 doesn’t deserve all of this. She’s probably going to be flipped tomorrow because my dad doesn’t want her to go to church when it’s Ash Wednesday because it gets dark early, and it’s Valentine’s Day. I’m gonna try and do some chores around the house for her so she doesn’t have to worry about them. If anyone here feels generous enough to help her with her bills, my Cashapp is $Cloesbank8. She doesn’t have anything other than a regular bank account and hates dealing with apps on her phone so the electronic things tend to go through me. I can take life beating me down and still get back up again but dammit did it have to be that cruel to my mom? Rude.
It’s 3 AM where I am so I’d better go to bed, but I needed to get this off of me. Thanks for listening, fimfictioners. And in spite of all the sad depressing things going on, for those of you who made it to the end of this blog post (without crying, at least I hope), I hope you take comfort in this: The Magic of friendship is very much alive, and I’ve been privileged enough to see it firsthand.
Thank you all for listening to me scream into the void. I wish you the best day/evening!
XOXO,
Cloe
I am so sorry about all of this. No one should ever have to suffer the way you do. I wish more than anything there was a place for people like your father who refuse to help themselves and refuse to change no matter how often their bad behavior gets them in trouble.