Recognising Failure and Learning Lessons · 8:13pm Oct 1st, 2019
The following is a long unedited ramble on my thoughts and feelings of the last 10 months.
It’s been 10 months since I last posted a chapter. Time really does fly. You may ask why has it taken so long? When I finished the last chapter of Fallen Canterlot on New Year’s Eve, I told myself that for 2019 I would write every day. Within a week I had failed. Why? Writing is hard and each word left me full of self-doubt. Playing games and watching videos was easier and ate up time. I had to force myself to stop watching a YouTube series to even write this blog.
I don’t know why I ended up like this—Almost addicted to procrastination. But it is where I am. I’ve been stuck here for years and it’s a nightmare to get out of. In my last blog post I told you about the progress I was making, and it is true that I was making progress. That week was the most productive when it came to write that I’ve been all year. But that week was also a week off work and with no other commitments. Once I went back to work and started hanging out with friends, playing Dungeons and Dragons and other things again, all it took was one morning sleeping in and then going to work to break my commitment and concentration.
I have times in my day dedicated to writing, revising and reading. I have had them for months and alerts come up on my phone for them. But I don’t pay them attention. I just ignore them. Probably because there is not obvious pressure to meet the commitments and deadlines that I set. I found the same to be true when I was revising for an exam I took for work. I had half a year to revise, but I did it all in only one moment, and that was a real pain. I also failed by a very slim margin.
My other hobby, that is, being a lead developer making Equestria at War and overseeing its communities, has also taken time. Unlike writing, I can find myself getting lost for hours staring at game code and building new features that are eagerly anticipated by thousands of people, many of whom constantly give me praise. It’s kind of selfish, I tell myself I don’t do this for the praise but for the joy of creation, just like writing, but it really is nice to get it. Working on Equestria at War feels relaxing rather then actual work like writing does. Maybe that’s why.
Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a writer, no matter hard I try to try.
But then the other day I was talking to my old friend Penpusher who I met in the FimFiction Discord channel and who introduced me to Equestria at War (he’s recently released a new story that you probably should check out), and the awesome Goldenwing who reminded me of the last story I published. Paint on the Wall. It was a story for a contest that didn’t even reach the quarter finals, but I still feel that it’s perhaps the best thing I’ve written, and the reviews also appear to agree. It’s honestly the only story that I look back on and still like. With Fallen Canterlot I just see mistakes and things I could have done better.
Perhaps that mindset has led to my current predicament. Chapter 10 of Fallen Canterlot has been rewritten 3 times now, well, the first half of it has because I’ve been unable to get further then that. Nothing I write just feels right. Every word I question. I always get to the same point. A pivotal point that has been on my outline since day one. And it just falls flat each time. I try changing Point of views, or the characters involved. Or the time things happen. But it just doesn’t work. I feel like I’ve written myself into a corner.
Or maybe I just think I have and I’m just being far too critical about it all?
The same thing kind of happened with that other story I mentioned last blog. But that one I feel better about because none of you have seen it yet. I can go back and fix past mistakes that I cannot do with Fallen Canterlot. This story in question will be coming out. I will get it done within the next month. I don’t know how many people will like it, but its just a fun idea I had based on some art I saw while browsing around for Sunset and Twilight pics.
I hope this ramble has explained some of what is going on with me and my work. I am sorry it has taken so long, but I am addicted to procrastination and distractions. Even while writing this I was drawn away by discussions happening on Discord where people wanted my help and other such things.
But what have I learned? Well, using the Pomodoro technique (timed intervals of work broken up by short breaks) really does help get you focused. Listening to music to drown out the outside world helps too. I used to think of this as a distraction, but it turns out I was just listening to the wrong type of music. But there’s still one thing I need to learn: Discipline. I must follow my schedule if I’m going to do anything. I must not let distractions and worries get in the way. I just need to keep trying.
But with so much going on, I know I can’t do it all. I just need to work out how to do the best I can.
See you all next time.
Trust me, I know the horrors of being plagued with a natural 'gift' for Procrastination all too well. I was gone for over 15 months before I came back after all...
That said, I came back because there's always ideas in my head that I feel deserve to be published and shown to the outside world. I know there's always people who believe in me and genuinely enjoy what I do on this site, no matter how long it takes for the final product to arrive. In between writing sessions, there's simply nothing more fulfilling than a genuine comment of appreciation.
In the end, as you've said yourself, I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about praise or a certain degree of popularity. I think, deep down, 95% or more of all writers on here, at least in small part, do what they do because they want their work to be seen by as many people as possible. I know one, maybe two people who write for writing's sake and genuinely don't care about followers, likes or views.
But I'm not like that. I realised that writing is a way for me to feel appreciated by others, no matter if it's just a thumbs up or follow. It's almost funny how a button press can fill me with joy, but it just does, and I feel like acknowledging this has made me a lot more comfortable, rather than trying to seek some made-up goal and motivation as to why I really write, because many people will shake their heads if you write purely for the sake of popularity.
I began writing because I wanted to, continued writing because I wanted to and still write because I want to. I want to use this platform to further develop my skills at the language, make new friends (like you, Feather!) and put a smile on people's faces. I've had some wonderful times as a writer and within this beautiful community already, and there are so many people out there who have helped and motivated me to bring my writing to another level. Even now, after returning after my 15 months(!) of absence, I re-entered Fimfiction Discord servers to find that almost all of my old friends remembers me as if it was yesterday, almost as if waiting for me all this time. It really warmed my heart to see that I wasn't just forgotten by them, but that I was still held in memory by them even after such a long time. This Community has proven a great place for me to unlock creative potential and you, Feather, play a big part in that.
Thanks for everything, Feather. Thanks for everything over these years, even if we may not have talked a lot over those months that I was absent from writing. You really did a lot to push me to boundaries that, by now, I almost feel like I've surpassed. I couldn't have done it without you, or all the other friends I've made here.
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Also thanks for promoting my story, love youuuuuu <3
You do what you need to, dude. With everything that's been happening in the community/site and offline it'll help.
You are most certainly cut out to be a writer. You really good at it, and you’re really good at helping other writers get better.
Self-doubt is hard to get over. Trust me I know. But once you do, you’ll write great stuff, I’m sure of it.
It’s nice to hear from you again btw!