I snapped. · 12:54am Aug 28th, 2019
Last week, I had a total panic attack that lasted for over an hour in the library parking lot that only stopped when I basically fainted in my car. I made a last ditch effort at self-preservation and checked myself into the hospital ER when I started pulling out the hunting knife in my glove box to cut my own throat and realized what I was doing. I spent a week in the psych ward and got my meds adjusted and got some group and individual therapy. Upon discharge I learned that I also have been diagnosed with GAD in addition to Bipolar Type II. Whoopee.
I can't do this doctoral program anymore. I quit. I don't know what I will do exactly, but I'm going to meet with my professors and see if I can get a Ph.D. in research instead of the clinical doctorate degree. I've always felt right at home working on my dissertation, grant applications, and doing + presenting research, but working with patients day in and day out has completely broken me and there is no way I can do it anymore. I've reached my absolute limit. Depending on what my professors say, I may even take the semester off before trying to start the Ph.D. program, if they'll even take me at all that is. The good news is that my amazing friends (who are/were my classmates) visited me in the hospital, and my professors are very supportive of me right now and are willing to meet with me and work with me. I also have a significant amount of money in savings thanks to all the jobs I've worked and the stipend I've made the past two years in research combined with the fact that I'm living with 3 roommates in a cheaper apartment, so I have time to find my path. I'm doing so much better now that I've decided to quit the program, and for the first time in ages I feel like I have actual energy in my body. I've never felt more at peace with a decision in my entire life. I can't fight who I am anymore.
Let's just say that I may have some actual time to write some things for this site in the meantime. I obviously have bigger fish to fry right now, but hopefully with actual energy in my body I'll be able to do something fun. Like, ever.
This has been another episode of "Arwhale loses his mind again". Tune in next time to see if anything changes this time around.
Take care, everyone. And don't ever ignore your gut.
~Arwhale
Nothing to feel bad about. I lose my mind, too, lately. It just happens in more subtle ways. But doesn't feel any better.
I hope I can feel better soon, too.
Above anything else, take care of yourself. If that means taking a break, then do it.
Nobody wants you to fail.
Hope you get through your darkest day and come out better, for now, you need rest and pull you self together no one wants you getting hurt and remember we are here if you need venting out
I'm glad you're safe, and as a fellow Bipolar sufferer, I wish you the best.
Life ALWAYS comes first, it seems like your going in the right direction. If you need to talk to any of us to vent, we're hear for you alright?
Damn. I'm glad to hear you're still hanging in there. We're all here for you.
i'm glad to hear you're shifting your focus academically. It sounds like this would be a better option for you. Definitely take the time off if you can (and you definitely should be able to), it sounds like it'll do you a lot of good.
We're all rooting for you, keep us updated.
Sorry to hear you went through that, and glad you’ve come out the other side OK. It’s great that you’ve got supportive people there for you. If the course you were on isn’t right for you and you can afford to drop it, then that’s perfectly fine. Taking some time off will hopefully do you some good as well.
I can empathize with this more than I care to elaborate. The epiphany you've had about your program is a very important one, so the nightmare you just went through has a definite upside.
Keep self-care in mind at all times, and good luck.
Damn... I really don't know what to say, except 'hang in there'
Good luck friend, I hope the change will be for the good
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Good luck, glad to hear that the change worked out for you.
Keep safe.
Here is hoping that your Professors will be understanding.
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Funnily enough, the whole "shutdown" thing used to be what happened whenever the stress got to be too much, but this panic attack was something I've never experienced before.
I read your latest blog, too. I'm glad you are feeling better than you were. Just know that no matter what, you have always been there to call me out on my shit and I can't thank you enough for that. This too, shall pass.
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I am going to be taking a semester long break. I have full support from my classmates and professors on the decision to move into a research Ph.D. program instead, and I'm excited to never have to deal with patient care again. As it stands, a lot of the work I've done on my dissertation, my grant, and on my coursework for the clinical degree will carry over to the Ph.D., and my professors told me point blank that I am welcome to join the Ph.D. program so long as I make sure to take at least a full semester (possibly a full year) off before I begin. Currently, I have a buttload of money in savings due to being a miser with my money over the past several years and all of the jobs I've worked, so I am debating on whether or not to even get seasonal employment in the meantime. I'm thinking of trying to master MATLab coding while I have time off, since I'm going to need to know that anyway for the future, and just continuing to support my classmates however I can.
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Us Bipolar sufferers have to stick together.
Thank you, and I hope you are doing well.
You take care now. We will be here for you!
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It's good to hear that you got a semester off, i'd wait a bit before seeing if you feel like a whole year would be good. I'm really glad to hear that a lot of your work will transfer over. It'd be really unfortunate if you had to start over completely.
MATLAB is kinda an interesting choice. I don't really know exactly what you need out of a programming language, but if you're not doing a bunch of advanced math, it might not be the best choice. But if you have to know it, you have to know it. I know there's way better sources, but feel free to shoot me a PM if you have questions about it, I use it a decent amount.
Anyway, it's really good to hear that the PHD program is a better fit for you. Working with patients isn't for everyone (i know I couldn't do it). Be sure to keep us in the loop and enjoy your time off.
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Thanks. Unfortunately, it can only pass if I get HER back.