The Self-Defeating Cycle of Anxiety and Self-Worth · 4:30pm Feb 8th, 2019
"you're constantly trying to prove yourself even after you've made it" - Chester Bennington
As I sip my second cup of coffee from this morning to try and shake the lethargy, some sort of feeling came over me to talk a little bit about a little bit of the struggle I'm facing right now. The mental health topics I'm talking about aren't really cries for attention or calls for help, but more observations, because I'm really in a pretty great place.
But what I've noticed about my character/identity is that I always feel some sort of need to prove myself. Not even to a specific person, but to the royal you. The universe. Kind of fitting for a second person author.
I say this because I don't know how I can get through my thick skull sometimes that I do really cool things or accomplish stuff that others simply dream about or never get off the ground. For example. I threw out http://www.thebarcast.net in pretty much a single evening. Which is a feat that I take a step back at, glare at, and go "Anyone could have done it." -- I look back at the 24 hour write off that happened last weekend and sigh to myself that I could have done better. Gotten less distracted. Maybe even have soundly hit 30k words. Maybe finished DONT CALL ME CUTE. But now I've got 3 stories on pretty steep cliffhangers right now and I can't help but glare at them and think they haven't met my expectations.
It's not just writing either. Many of you know that I'm an avid musician, and I find myself regulating my band chats every single day. Working on an audition for a third band. Listening to my recorded music takes, organizing a really groundbreaking show, and I just feel like I'm one small little step away from fucking it all up. It's a huge anxiety breaker. It's not small. I'm essentially planning an event that 100-300 people may be attending. People I don't all know. To give my band money, and by extension, donate to teen suicide charities.
But what sucks, is that even after accomplishing all of this stress. After I get through all of this, I'll look back on it with a certain bitter taste in my mouth. I'll think of how I could have did it better. Bigger. And with those improvements in mind, I do it again. Over and Over. Wearing myself down to the bone slowly and steadily. My belt of achievements gets ever longer, but it never quite becomes enough.
Keep in mind, despite all of these projects, Barcast, taking care of my dog, I'm also completely refinishing an entire level of my home with an attempt to complete it in less than 2 months. That means with all of these previously mentioned projects, trying to take care of my body, and work overtime. I go home and Frame walls, Lay drywall, String electrical. And I go to bed defeated, and worn to do it again.
Of course, The amount of progress being made is absolutely immense. And at the very end, the result of the project is going to be amazing. A real, usable, tangible product that will be huge.
Plus, I keep having to remind myself that I have an interview with a local magazine about a recurring segment I have built a team for and plan to film and produce.
I want to stand back and look back at everything I said here, and give myself a bit of credit, but my brain doesn't let me. It's crazy, right? Like, this whole blog could come off as some completely distasteful humble brag, but my native instinct is to say "Yeah, well, you could do it too. it's not hard."
But it is hard. Everything is hard. Spinning all of these plates is extremely hard. And my brain feels like mush 90% of the time. If I didn't use a kanban board to keep all of my thoughts in check, then I'd be a complete mess.
But, I started by saying that this blog isn't a cry for help, and it's not. This is supposed to be a positive blog, and I'll share why.
All of these projects, all of this stress and self-criticism. For me? When I accomplish a project, It gives me a sort of... rush of adrenaline that's completely addicting. The act of creation and the rush of finishing something that had been stressing me out makes me feel strong. Like I'm good at things.
And sure, 3 days later, I'll be back to figuring out to do it better. But that rush ends up being a larger defining factor for who I am as a person than I'd originally believe.
Sorry for the huge stream of consciousness post. So let me turn it back on you guys:
What factor of your psychology defines you? What defining drive or motivation makes you who you are?
ive been in the place of depression and being suicidal many times my friend
(also I LOVE LINKIN PARK!!! (RIP Chester B.))
I have this problem too. Perfectionism is a form of cognitive dissonance, a straight up mental distortion of reality, since nothing can ever be “perfect.” Even if the standard that is set for perfection is somehow met, a perfectionist will still find something wrong with what they did, somehow. Some people can break the train of thinking, but a lot of us can’t. Every time I post something, every time I do something at work, make plans, whatever, I always find something wrong with it. It’s why I’ve told my editor in the past to tell me when it’s good enough to post, because otherwise it will literally never happen. Hell, I have a story I just wrote and I refuse to post it until I finish the cover art, even though the art has no bearing on the quality of the story itself.
Best solution I found is to force myself—usually kicking and screaming— to “purposefully” do stuff wrong. Is sucks so bad to do things wrong on purpose, but it lessens my anxieties about other things later. Now notice I said lessens, not removes, because the feeling never goes away for me. Ever. But I can deal with it better if I torture myself ahead of schedule. I guess it’s a form of desensitization.
Anyways, don’t feel bad that you feel that way. You are not alone in never being able to be fully satisfied.
Now... from how thou describe it, thou art doing pretty well. Questioning thy achievements is... exhale... normal. As for thinking thou could have done better and being depressed about that oft, well, depression is mine (lost the count of them) N-th name.
Speaking of motivation, trying to control every aspect of what I'm dealing with is mine drive and defining factor. Obviously, I suck at that as frequently as I succeed... which leadeth us to half of the depression cases.
Dost not worry, thou dost well /) Dost not forget to give thyself some rest at least occasionally
Dude, the amount of stuff you’re accomplishing is pretty amazing. Congratulations on all that!
Also, I didn’t know you were a fellow musician! Drop some social media links so I can follow your bands!
I, too, battle depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, I'm still trying to figure out how to even finish a project, rather than starting a whole bunch of different ones and then giving up halfway through. Because I look at what I've done and decide "this is all crap." Planning terrifies me, because I know I'll eventually miss a step somewhere and absolutely destroy myself over it.
If anyone knows how to assassinate their inner critic, I would gladly give up all my meager worldly possessions for the chance.
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Lol, that's like the 6th time you've found out. Not meant to be rude.
I don't like "crossing the streams" but I do have some links on my YouTube of jamming with some BronyCon musicians.
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Somehow "assassinating thy inner critic" may appear rather detrimental than beneficial for thy efforts. I'd say, leave it as is for Harmony's sake. That critic shan't be overly insulting towards thee at least.
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Lol, my B, fam.
I can sympathise. Whenever I look at something I've made, I can't always help but think about how it could have been done better, how I could have done better. Sometimes I feel disappointed, or really proud only to look at it later and wonder if I've made a mistake...
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I feel like this is the one constant across every creative arts. One much smarter than me once said:
The harshest critic of any artist will always be oneself.
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Don't say my name in vain.
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No u
This is mostly me speaking out of my ass, so please forgive the smell of my words.
I'm depressed. Or something closed to depressed. Dunno. Thus, I am mostly empty when it comes to feelings and emotions and such. The only time that I feel anything is when it comes from stories of emotional value or getting immersed in a thing with other people. Thus, since I am hollow, I seek to fill myself with stuff—either made by me or someone else.
B is a character without a doubt. The real deal doesn't say or do much. It's because of this dichotomy that B is so over-the-top, dickish, or whatever. I worry for the day when there won't be any stuff left to fill me, but luckily, as a creative, I'll keep creating things for myself—and maybe hopefully for others.
But you've got the thesis in there. Over-the-top and creating so there is an excuse to do silly things with others and to keep inventing stuff to fill me with.
That's me said. To you, next commenter.
~ Yr. Pal, B
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tldr:
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media.giphy.com/media/y62P0aQUYLYAg/giphy.gif
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I’m not sure who I am in this gif. And I’m not sure if I’d be more insulted to be called Lull with no reflexes or to be called Westley Crusher.