We are bruised, we are broken, but we are Goddess-blessed works of art · 6:41pm Nov 13th, 2018
Now I am two - myself, and this other you call 'my lady'. For she is here as truly as I am now, though once she was only a veil over me. She walks in the castle, she dresses herself, she takes her meals, and she thinks her own thoughts. If she has no power to heal, or to quiet, still she has another magic. - from Peter S. Beagle's The Last Unicorn
I thought I knew how to start this. Funny how when we go to do something, we start out with such purpose. We leave our lilac woods of comfort and familiarity to start on a journey that we're certain we know where we're going... only to find ourselves lost and confused on man's road along the way. We start out knowing ourselves so well... only to pick up masks and veils that we wear to hide our true selves, making it all the harder to be taken for how we truly are.
In some ways, it's our own fault. Our minds have this way of telling us our eyes are lying, our ears deaf to truth, and what we feel may be no more than æthers and will'o'wisps of hopes, dreams, and a few strands of spider's silk that we convince ourselves is real. And so we start to believe ourselves to be more or less than we truly are, and fight tooth and nail and broken skin to hold onto those veils, masks, and illusions of self until it becomes us.
All to hide.
All to avoid the fact that we are, at our cores, imperfect beings.
And we know this because god tells us so. Or philosophy. Or nature, in its own harshly judgemental way.
"Kindness alone cannot save people. It can't erase sin, or wash away our impurities."
"But... in spite of it all.."
"But in spite of it all..."
...in spite of it all I try to be kind. I try to keep to the words that were drilled into my head and left there along with other lessons that worm through my brain like so many maggots that wriggle about and turn me into an awkward puppet of myself. "Do unto others as they would do unto you." A golden rule, and a beautiful reminder to be more kind. Yet... it was lain down next to lessons of intolerance of others, lessons of hatred, and lessons of things that are, in retrospect as an adult, patently unhealthy. A beautiful lesson on the best way to try to save humanity, covered up and buried under so many vipers.
I was raised in a religious household. Probably not uncommon in America. But what I've been slowly realising is that... that upbringing, while it taught many lessons about being good to others... also was a poisoned pill. One that is painfully killing me from the inside out.
You see, it'd be one thing if I were a good girl.
If I were the one who was a good Christian who went to church. Who said her rosary. Who as willing to shut out the darkness in the world and 'let that little light in her heart shine'.
But I'm none of these, and biologically speaking, I'm not even a girl.
But I am a young woman. Maybe not as young as I once was, but... I'm still a girl. My emotions, my expressiveness, my being is... very much female. I've even had comments on Speak about this. "I can tell Heartshine is a female writer, because only a girl would drag out the Unresolved Sexual Tension in this story for 18 chapters without any hint of resolution." And... I removed the veil of boy-ness a long time ago. Readers who've read Speak can pick the date, for it shows up in there at the end of a chapter marking the date of when I made a choice that removed the thing that is so wholly and intimately ascribed to women: being able to have children.
And there are not days where I do not in many ways regret that loss. That I do not wish things had been different. That nature or god had not been so cruel.
"No sorrow will live in my heart as long as that joy — save one, and I thank you for that, too."
For those of you that are thoroughly confused, I'm trans. Born male, presenting as female. MtF in some language. And... I'm writing this really because I feel I need to. Because I feel like a part of me has been hiding a bit behind fear of rejection. Because that same religious upbringing that encouraged that heart shine of kindness also said that people like me are wrong.
Broken.
Bruised.
Proof of sin in the world still tainting humanity.
But... after some conversations, I realised that I have been hanging onto some aspects of my upbringing that are actively causing me problems. That are biting me constantly like vipers, and their venom is slowly breaking down in my system and crushing my self image, my self worth, my... sense of rightness to be.
Because I've been me for six years, and it's taken six years to start figuring out that... being me is ok. That being trans is ok. That... even being bisexual is ok. That there's nothing wrong with it, but that I am still hanging onto vestiges of hatred that bored their way into my brain and came out through my pores in ways that I didn't expect.
In a conversation about sex and sexuality with my boyfriend, I lock up. I am so terribly torn between my terror at the topic due to my history of sexual trauma, but a maggot in my mind whispers "But a woman is to submit to her husband in all things." And I am at once locked in the most horrible catch-22, where teachings of submission that were not even directed at me have now hooked themselves into my heart, and pull and wound and scar as I try to work out what that means.
Luckily, my boyfriend is also extremely patient and understanding. He and I talked for some time about those hooks in my flesh, and how it's ok to struggle with them. That not everything we learn is helpful to us. That those words and lessons and figments and wisps still live in us, and work their strange and terrible magic through our behaviours.
But spells and enchantments are made to be broken.
It just takes time. And sometimes it means coming to conclusions about ourselves that we may not like. We can choose to remove the veil, or remain hidden behind it.
I try to be that rare kind of person who is taken for who she truly is.
But that means taking the veil off.
I'm working on being ok with it. But I have to believe that despite our bruises, our broken natures, and our sins that we commit against others, we are goddess-blessed works of art. That kindness may not be able to wash away our impurities, but it can help relieve the burden of pain that is endemic to the human condition in others.
I may not know if god exists, or if she is more than the hopes of a young girl who would like to think the world is protected and loved.
But I do know that truthfulness and honesty, kindness and humility, generosity and loyalty and laughter are required in equal measure if we want to own our spots as blessed works of art.
Flaws, broken pieces, and marred surfaces all.
Heartshine is bi and trans!?!?
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But more seriously, I know you've posted this and are either expecting or fearing any negative and malicious comments that come from it. I usually don't comment on your blog posts directly but this one feels like it warrants it. Despite this not actually being the first I am hearing of you being trans, I still feel like it is worth saying, both for your sake and for anyone else who comes across this page.
Purple prose doesn't belong in blog posts.Being trans or bi or whatever is okay. Religious upbringings, for all the good they can bring to people's lives, often leave people with a lasting sense of guilt when they do not conform to what their religion tells them is normal or okay, or if they're unhappy to do so. Trust me, I know. So it's more than understandable that you would struggle with it. It's good that you're true to yourself though.At the end of the day you're doing your best, so what does it matter?
I'm really proud of you for having the confidence to come forward with this Heart. You have my support 110%.
4967824
B-but purple prose is so pretty! But... thank you.
Allthou I have my own internal opinions on topics like this, I would be the first to stand up and fight for the rights of the LGPT community. Also not with standing my opinions on religion. I respect everyones right to choose, regardless of what I or others think. You have the right to be what you want to be and no one else can tell you otherwise. Never let anyone's opinions of you let you down. You are what you want to be! Gender be damed your also a great writer and I would be sad to see you stop. I am happy you share your time with us as a community. As I have said before you need to open a patron.
"For those of you that are thoroughly confused, I'm trans. Born male, presenting as female."
Wow; you do it really well. I mean, I've met you in person, and I had not the slightest suspicion.
I am, though, of course, sorry for the troubles it's brought into your life, and I hope telling us here is helping.
This makes me wonder if what I said to you the night before last sparked something. I still stand behind it, too.
You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met, who puts her whole being into what she cares about, and who truly is one of the nicest people I've ever known. I consider myself lucky to know you, and I always wish I had both the confidence to talk to you more, as well as the memory and attention span to keep you, among so many others, front and center in my life (and it's so hard, especially considering just how many people I want to keep close to!). And it makes me feel a little bad every time I think of you, because I feel like you deserve so much more than I end up giving.
4967874
I don't plan on stopping any time soon. This isn't me saying I'm stopping so much as... collecting myself along the way to keep writing as well as I can.
4967876
I... could have sworn I mentioned something when we were editing, but it's... also that I assume people just... figure it out. But thank you, Reese.
4967878
A bit of that, and... some other things. The story you linked me has been... extremely difficult to work through, tbh, because of the themes of family and adoption. Moreso than I thought when I first jumped in. But I'm making a point in finishing. And I'm always kinda glad to be able to talk to you. When the both of us are conscious and have something that looks like an attention span.
4967889
"I... could have sworn I mentioned something when we were editing"
Huh. Well, I have no memory of such, at least.
"but it's... also that I assume people just... figure it out"
Granted, I'm not the most observant when it comes to other people, but I still think you're likely underselling yourself there.
And you're welcome.
“Wildflower; pick up your pretty little head,
It will get easier, your dreams are not dead.”
— Nikki Rowe
I was gonna try and think of something deep and meaningful to say, but I'm just gonna say this. You keep doing you and never let the opinions of others get to you or tell you how you should act. Keep up the good work!
Oh wow, I can't even begin to imagine the kind of courage it must have taken you to tell us here about this, let alone going through such change and facing all the problems this must have caused you through your life. You are even more amazing person that I had considered you to be after reading Speak and your blogs and exchanging those few PMs with you^^
Edit:
wrote "can" instead of "can't" in the beginning 
From what I've seen, you are a good person and that's all that really matters. Remember that you are you, no one but yourself can decide who you are.
4967889
That was one of the things that made me think of you, yeah. I was a bit intimidated to say it outright because it's not the same /kind/ of stuff you've talked about.
And, yeah, you're really great to talk to <3
You're awesome, Heartshine; and this would be the last place you'd have to feel anxious about being your genuine self!
I like you for who you are, not for who you were born or raised. You're a good writer and a good person, and now i also know you as a brave one too.