Fic Review: New Town Alicorn: · 11:51pm Nov 11th, 2018
Okay, originally I was going to go back and review Lost at Sea's second chapter, but this gem came up.
Yeah, you've all heard of it or seen it probably. How many of you have actually had the nerve to read it though? Probably not many. Have no fear, this looks like a job for me, to take it on so you won't have to. My mind, body, and soul are prepared. But are yours?
First off, this gem.
PLEASE NO HARASSMENT IN THE COMMENTS: Harassment is when you tell me you don't like the story without reading it or when you make fun of me without anything against me. Don't do this please.
THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY GRANDFARDER WHO DYED IN WORLD WAR 2
Firstly, did your Grandfather dye clothes? What color? Red? And secondly, I fail to see how any of this story has anything to do with Memorial Day. Thirdly, and finally, I think the shitstorm of harassment and deleted comments by the author speak for themselves. Where silence has lease, I think. Sadly, this now deleted commented -Which I had the wisdom to preserve for prosperity- by my sister in all but blood RuinqueenofOblivion says it all.
Okay, I have read some truly bad stories, I've had the displeasure of reading stories by Evictus, I've seen reviews of Frank Miller's work after he went insane, I've seen reviews of travesties like Twilight, Bio Dome, and anything adapted from a book by Nicholas Sparks. However, this story, and the absolute crapstorm that has been happening in the comment section ranks somewhere close to the video game developers that delete negative comments of their games.
You have created a toxic environment by refusing to accept constructive criticism and blocking anyone who would dare speak out against your story. You don't make people want to read your work by acting like this, you have lost any sympathy you might have had. This is not how you run a story on the internet, you do not treat your readers like this by attempting to make them afraid to so much as post their opinion.
I think I know what's going on here, you're afraid because you know it's a bad story. You know that people will not like it so you decided to call anyone who dares speak against it harassers just because they would dare insult it. I'm not even going to read it because you have created such a toxic environment. You have to learn to accept criticism both good and bad and learn from your mistakes, it's how we get better as writers, and right now you look like a child who thinks that their story is the greatest thing ever written and that anyone who dares say otherwise is stupid.
You should be ashamed of yourself for what you've done here. I know you're going to delete this comment and block me, but all you will do is prove my point, so go ahead and do it.
So, now the actual 'story' itself. God help me.
Oooh, the Start, what an invigorating chapter title! I've been hooked already! (And if you believe that, I've got a tower in France to sell you. May have heard of it.)
I come from a small town in the north of the map. I was very small and not much was to do there so me and my family left. At the time I think it was because we had no more food and water, but later I found out it was all because my father had no money and the goverment wouldn’t give us any support.
I am a 7ft tall alicorn that is red bodyed and has very black wings at my side. I love to fly and blast things with my powers and love to meet new friends and have fun with those amazing friends.
Me and my family moved to Ponyville because it had lots of jobs and the mayor gave us lots of money for being new to town! “How nice of the Mayor!” me dad say to my mother in the face.
“Yes it will be easy to make more children very the quick.”
I wanted to meet new friends so i left our new house and went down to the library which was a tree and looked very woody.
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Map, what map? Also, red and black alicorn? Hitting every cliche on the map author! Seriously, did anyone ever not tell you that this type of OC is universally despised here on FIMfic? Also, the government not giving you support? In the MLP world, yeah... I don't think so. Celestia must really hate you. Not that I can blame her.
2 minutes later (Because I flew)
*Knock nock Knock nock*
A purple mare named Twilight opened the door. She was the most amazing pony I have ever seen and she looked really quiet and smelled very nice on her hair head.
“Hello!” she said “What are you doing here at my house?”
My eyes went squigly “I thought this was a library where I could read books?”
“You’re an alicorn!” she said with a hyped up tone to her great voice.
It was ture I was an alicorn from somewhere my parents didn’t even know. I was found in a ancient temple while my father was collecting twigs for his fire in which they were going to use for the summer religious sacrifices and public stonings for the crime.
From then on out I knew I was the most powerful alicorn alive. Better than celestia and Luna as well. Some say I was even born from Luna but I don’t know about that yet within the story. (So watch out!)
Twilight pointed to a sign posted outside her house that said *Friends meeting taking place* “My friends are all in here!”
“Wow!” my eyes shot up (new friends????) “Can I come in?”
“Yes!” Twilight said before opening the door and letting me in.
I quickly became friends with the mane six over a few laughs and tea. They were all really nice. They kept asking me questions about my past, but I saddily didn't know. I told them my name was Doom Wing and they said they liked it unlike haters in my other town.
_____SUDDENLY_____
The window bursted open revealing a tight black mare with evil in her eyes. She glowed with evil sunlight that it hurt Twilight’s eyes.
Department of redundancy department on that last sentence! Also, saying suddenly in big all-caps letters? Ooh, very professional. Also, grammar errors up the bloody wazoo! Also, ever heard of a little thing called show, not tell? And flying to Ponyville in two minutes? If your town is off the map, and I'm assuming that's where you come from as you never tell us where your little self-insert is actually flying from I'd suspect it'd be in some far off corner of the globe so by that logic well I can only assume it'd take much, much longer than two minutes to fly to Ponyville. Also, your villain is inconsistently described. From the vibe I'm getting, she's Nightmare Moon, but Nightmare Moon doesn't have any sun related powers!
Great, you've made me bust both of these out so soon. Impressive.
“I have come for you, Doom Wing!” All of the main six screamed as loud as they could but I sat up with my cheast out, proud to defend my friends.
“I would liek to see you try!” I said but deep inside I was very scared. I didn’t know who this was or if I would ever see my friends or family again. I was the most powerful Alicorn in the world, but was I right? Was I really the most powerful? (Yes)
She swooped down to attack me, but I saw it coming. We were both fighting in the air, punching and bitting each other. Trying to get the better her, which i did, I threw her against of table and she broke it in half.
She wasn’t dead though, and instead said, “My name is Nightmare Moon and I will avenge my father!”
Nightmare Moon? Were the stories really true I thought. Were they right to say that this was the ultme evil? And I was fighting it?
Nightmare Moon smiled as she ascended into the air, leaving the broken table below her. “I’m going to hurt you and your love, Twilight!”
I gasped as I looked at the cowering Twilight. I saw the fear in her eyes, and it almost broke me on the spot to see her so scared. I knew what I had to do.
She blasted an attack at Twilight but I jumped in front of it takinbg the the hard hit in my Doom Wing. Everyone screamed as she roared with anger before scooping up Rainbow Dahs and flying off into the night (It was night now)
________________
5 hours later
I woke up to see twitlight looking down at me with tears in her eyes. She gasped as she saw my open my eyes. “Y-you s-saved m-me…”
Ooh, Doom Wing? Just the sorta name I was expecting. Man, your parents must have really hated you.
See, even she's not laughing. And taking a hit hard in your Doom Wing? Unusual euphesim, or you just being a terrible author and not deciding what's what. I'm betting on the latter. Plus, you can't fall in love with someone in FIVE FUCKING HOURS!
Head slams against desk on repeat
Can someone throw me to the alligators now? I live in Florida, so not like it's that hard.
I smiled and put a hook to her cheek. “And i would do it again, my love”
She pushed my hoof away, slightly embarrassed. “Not here, Doom Wing… and not now…”
I was sad, but nodded anyway. “Where are the others?”
“I sent them home to get some rest while me and you go out to save Rainbow Dash…” She looked at me, staring into my dee p blue eyes. “Will you help me?”
“I wouldn’t ever think about not helping you”
She smiled.
---------
2 hours later
WE were heading out the door of Twilight’s house. Twilight wore a backpack with rope and other things we might need for the long road in front of us. I had bread and other food strapped to my side bags as we both exited the tree together.
I had told her that I could make food anytime I wanted using my magic, but she said she could do the same and that magic food is sometimes bad for you, so I said ok and let her do what she wanted because that’s what men do for their women.
Twilight closed the door behind her as we both set out on our, what was to be, long and hard journey to save Rainbow Dash and stop Nightmare Moon.
Will we be able to stay a couple the whole time? I thought…
So, guess Blood Wing really is evil. He corrupted Twilight. Shame Nightmare Moon can't wipe him off the map. Sadly, you can't do that with Gary Stus. I'm sorry Mrs. Velvet, but your daughter is long gone. I'm not even going to question the logic of why only Rainbow is missing, as this story has no logic to speak of. Or any redeeming qualities.
10/10. Just kidding In fact, it's actually -10/10. Congrats, Doomwing, you have offically earned the lowest score I have ever given!
I'd applaud, but you don't deserve that nor do you deserve the Kamen Rider Eternal quote I was going to use. Drops mic and walks off
Good, I'm done with that fiasco.
Minus five stars for that fic in my case.
Yeah, I'm honestly glad I didn't read it from the get go.
Ffs, people are trying to help him, and what does he do? Says they're harassing him, deletes their comments and blocks them.
Funnily enough, SilverstarApple pulled the exact same stunt (minus the removing comments) when people were trying to tell him to stop harassing MidnightChaos.
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There's this comment by the The Blue EM2 that works very well in this fic's favor, and by that I mean calling it out for exactly what it is.
Intresting.
It took me and hour to read all the comments.
4966666 Hi!
4966698
Hello there hon
4966698
Hi silly.
you do....realize he is a troll right? You reviewed a Fic written to troll people on this site. And you pretty much fell for it hook, line and sinker.
4966698 You spread silly to all the right places.
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...Yeah, I sorta figured it out right after I saw the "Donald Trump is a Celestial" fic.
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And we love her for it. Light in our darkness.
dont psot omf yn grilfends latest story or i will ban you with admin help for harasss
4966767
Go ahead and try.
Am I dead yet?
I feel like I missed something...
I'm not even enjoying this hell.
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I figured that out soon as I looked at his user page, but even then it's still a story and it still can be reviewed or in this case ripped to shreds.
4966767
Learn to spell before telling us what to do.
This author (Windlife) cannot write. I reviewed these myself a few minutes ago.
4966767
Honestly dude I know that you're being a troll but this is an honest blunt review you can't ban someone just because they gave a story a bad review. Bad reviews happen it's best to either move along or just keep acting like this. I feel it might be best to move along.
What about StormLuna's Love, Heartbreak, and the Forbidden Fruit? That also got a -10/10.
Eh, what am I saying? This is even worse. There's no distinguishing features about him! Every Red and Black pony has the same premise: I'm an alicorn, I have a stupid name like Death Star, I'm 6'11, I tell, not show, I explain everything about myself in the first few paragraphs, I had a traumatic past, I'm more powerful than the Mane Six, I'm the seventh Element of Harmony, I get the girl of my dreams by showing up and doing nothing, I cry a lot to show my emotions, I have detestable grammar, and I was the daughter/son of a dark lord of the Sith. Oh, and I watch a lot of anime and I name every attack before I use it.
After reading BradyBunch's parody story, The Mane Six Meet and Alicorn OC (adding links in case someone who finds this review is curious). It indeed was terrible. However, I will clarify one thing. The two minute flight is supposed to be where Doom Wing! goes from meeting the mayor of Ponyville to Twilight's house, not their home town to Ponyville.
That being said, I'm more curious why the mayor would pay this family a bunch of money to move to Ponyville. I know there have been town with incentives to encourage people and businesses to move there, and it could be an interesting thing for Ponyville to do, but I've never heard of a city government pay a family to move in, and normally there is a very specific reason for doing so. Something that would at least of the possibility of reimbursement and profit.
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This was a troll fic, so I'm pretty sure logic wasn't the first thing on the author's mind here.