History's Greatest Monster, Part 1 · 2:35am Jan 16th, 2018
You've heard the stories of Nightmare Moon, Tirek, Discord, and Queen Chrysalis. You think that harmony always triumphs over evil, and that there is no darkness in this world that six good mares cannot overcome. What you have not heard is the tale of the most despicable villain Ponyville ever faced -- a five-headed beast of such malignant evil that it twists the light around it, growing like a cancer inside the hearts of honest folk. Subtle and clever, patient and treacherous, it lay in wait for years, hatching its twisted schemes. Its name is a curse word on the tongues of the innocent!
The Ponyville Merchants Association.
It was a dark and stormy night when they met in their shadowy mansion overlooking Ponyville. There was Filthy Rich, the old money, who sneered down upon the common folk through the bars of his gated community. There was Cross Tie, the train manager, whose iron road wrapped around the necks of the innocent farmers and squeezed for all they were worth. There was Iron Coin, the banker, whose mortgages hung over the farms of Ponyville like a guillotine's blade. And there was Shake Stir, the bartender, whose personal wine cellar was distilled from the tears of those her drink had ruined.
Oh, and Rarity. Rarity was there too. In fact, she spoke first.
"It's simply terrible!" Rarity cried, spilling back onto her fainting couch. "Today, a pony came into my shop and didn't buy anything! It's all these wretched working-class ponies infesting the community. They hardly even pay outrageous prices for the dresses I sewed in minutes because I use unicorn magic to cheat."
"They're an infestation," agreed Iron Coin. "Always working hard and diligently paying the interest on their loans. A mere 2%! Why, if more of them do not go bankrupt, I shall go an entire year without seizing a farm."
And then-
"Applejack," Twilight said, "I feel you may be exaggerating somewhat."
"It's Celestia's honest truth, Twilight! Every word of it happened!"
"Not to mention that they drink wholesome earth pony drinks, instead of the frilly pink things that seem to be the only thing I have in stock even though nopony ever buys them." Shake Stir shook her head. But then she paused, reaching up to scratch her chin with a hoof. "Unless... there were new ponies in town. The right kind of ponies."
"Twits with more money than sense?" Filthy Rich asked.
"Not after we're done with them!" Her hooves clapped together. "We'll build a luxury apartment block right in the middle of Ponyville! A giant glass and steel cube that doesn't mesh with the local architecture at all. And then hundreds of city ponies will move into it and patronize our businesses."
"Oh, it will never work!" Rarity tossed her mane dramatically. Then probably had a good cry about something. Like chipping a hoof, or that a married stallion refused to flirt with her. "What proper pony would live next to all these hicks?"
"No, that's the brilliant part!" Shake Stir moved to the window so she could be dramatically lit from below, her face cast into menacing shadows. She waited for the lightning strike outside, thrusting her hoof up at just the right moment. "Once enough rich ponies move in, the center of town will become unaffordable for the ponies who live there!"
Thunder rolled. A wolf howled. And inside the fortress of darkness, ponies clapped.
Sounds like half of Southern Ontario.
Even Hamilton, the city that has always been described as a shithole has become a gleaming beacon to those developers.
Together, they form the most terrible magic known to ponykind...
The Elements of Gentrification!
And this is why AJ wakes up with a headache every morning.
"Th' Appaloosan farmer is bein' crucified upon a...a...whatever it is y'do yer crucifyin' on. Made of gold. Upon a crucifyin' thing o' gold, yessir! (Twilight, what th' hay is crucifyin', anyway?)"
I want to hear Rarity’s version too, about how the tasteless, socially stunted locals nearly sank her and every other small business daring to be something other than a burger joint or a discount emporium.
Pinkie’s version would probably involve a cabal of health-obscessed foodies and overworked dentists
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That's Part 2.
Even the PMA must bend the knee to their true lords and masters with a yearly tithe of their possessions: The Elements of Bureaucracy (Division 11, Section 3a)
Gentrification is Magic?
Hot take: Gentrification is fought through high density zoning and construction (to keep the number of units available ahead of demand, lowering rent prices) and if needed, rent control, not NIMBYism.
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And it's up.
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That's Part 3 -- Twilight Sparkle's take!
Because she is smart.
You know, proper parody has a certain element of fact in it.
This has so much fact that it actually could be a recording from any number of neighborhoods in the US.
The real world really needs to be more realistic. It's getting harder to tell parody from it all the time.
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Seriously. I've been fighting to explain to my mother that, yes, I support building a bunch of apartment-condos near where we live because more housing = more space to meet demand and with our city growing the inner suburbs like this one need to stop being so adamant about 'Noooo NIMBY NIMBY NIMBY EVIL DEVELOPERS WE HATES THEM'
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According to the average voter in these political debates, housing is the one good that is magically immune to the laws of supply and demand and aggressive restrictions on how much housing you can build have nothing to do with the fact that housing is so expensive.
Which makes perfect sense to me! Let's settle this with a cage fight.