The Link is Dead · 10:29am Jul 26th, 2017
Well, I blame the new fimfic rules saying you can't link to unpublished stories. Does that mean all the extras have to a separate chapter? How annoying. I think I will have to make them blog posts.
Instructions to Malnik's Mound
Step 1:
It is at this point that you may feel the urge to stop. Don't! Resist the influence. Reading on will undoubtedly save your life. There is a darkness in the corner of your room. Do not attempt to look at it. Do not attempt to touch it. Do not attempt to do anything except breathe slowly and steadily through your mouth. Don't do it through your nose. Relax. In a few moments, the darkness will be gone. There will be light. Walk towards it, even if instinct screams at you to walk away.
Step 2:
If you are reading this, then you are alive. That is good. You may notice that these orders have a slight attraction to them. They urge you to read on. This is normal. There is a compulsive mechanism in these orders that you did not ignore. That may have saved your life. You will now find yourself in a supremely colourful place. Do not stop and admire the views. These views are actually horrifying and your brain is compensating for the stress by replacing them with the opposite analogues. Stay calm and jump to the left, then quickly jump to the right.
Step 3:
You may notice you are in excruciating pain. Try to ignore it as best as you can. There will be strange creatures greeting you and excessive shivering will prompt them to attack you. Ignore them and you might live. Take any notice and you can take comfort that you probably won’t feel anything before you die.
Step 4:
Please note that remembering any of the previous steps may produce an adverse reaction in this place. Abstract concepts and ideas here interact violently, making them inimical to mortals. Advice here is to careful sidestep any plot holes and meta-fictionally navigate through here to the other side. You will come across a vast area devoid of anything ever. Make sure you run as hard as you can. Run.
Step 5:
If you are reading this, you must have survived the collision with the wall. Good. Take no notice of the being making constant tapping sounds on the small rectangular device in front of the bright rectangular glowing device. At this stage, if you make any attempt to contact this creature, you may immediately perish. Don’t question it, keep moving. There is a hole in the centre of space in the room. Immediately dive into it.
Step 6:
Blinking here will kill you, so don’t do that. These instructions would have warned you before you went into the hole, but unfortunately since the conditions of survival here change, so do the instructions. Without blinking, keep moving forward and ignore the countless statues surrounding you. Make your way to the pedestal in the middle and place an appendage onto its crystalline surface.
Step 7:
Congratulations, you have survived the first portion of tests. Time here flows differently so you are granted a brief reprieve. That is, if you can breathe without oxygen. If you need oxygen, try to stay calm and immediately knock yourself out. You need to survive one minute and excessive breathing shortens your lifespan immediately.
Step 8:
Waking up here and reading these instructions after the previous step is a great achievement! You probably do not have brain damage. If you do, then it is unfortunate, but it is required that you eat these instructions and then stay here. The next step is particularly consumptive of brain power and these instructions must not be given to the organisms that inhabit this particular stretch of space.
Step 9:
Ponies inhabit this world. You may be tempted to stay here and converse with them, alter their history, or in some way cause a disruption to their lives, but rest assured, that is happening to them in a different place, at a different time, in a different universe. There are no consequences to your actions here other than unknowingly upsetting young children in a distant reality. Step into the portal on your right and proceed to the final destination.
Step 10:
There will be several demons guarding the entrance. On instinct, say the first word that comes to your head. If you have been following these instructions, they will guide you inside. If not, you will perish as an intruder. Once guided in, follow the last set of instructions to the letter. Ignore the next set of instructions as best you can.
Step 11:
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
Step 12:
Ignore the previous instructions, that was just a little psychological intimidation from a memetic monster that lurks in antechamber. These instructions will attempt to give you encouragement, but bear in mind that this form of encouragement probably does little against the virulent effects of that idiopathic monster. You are a good person who will do great things. These instructions hope they helped. The instructions will be glad if you do your best to continue. There, there, everything is alright now. See that circle over there? Step into it. You will get your reward there. Avoid speaking with the being over to the right. They will try and tempt you from moving to the circle with all manner of materialistic riches and promises. If you truly want to move forward, do so immediately.
Step 237:
Turn back, it’s a trap. Turn back, don’t go forward. Turn back, you will regret it. Turn back, please. Don’t keep moving forward. Please, please, please, I hate this, I hate this so much, it’s so lonely here, I want to go home. Everything I want is right in front of me, but I can’t have them! It’s painful. I hate it.
TURN BACK
Step 12:
You may have noticed the numbering of these instructions have strayed from the correct ordering. This is mainly due to the twisting nature of reality and time in these parts. You may have heard something. It could be your imagination. It could be echoes of the future. These instructions encourage you to ignore them. You are getting close to Malnik’s Mound. Step forward and take part in the riches that await you.
Step 13:
Do not mind the sensation, that is your soul slowly being corroded. If you are not Malnik or any of her demons, this sensation will continue unless Malnik judged you worthy of her treasures. Bear in mind that it is very impressive that you have made it this far to follow these instructions. Malnik herself probably couldn’t have done better. It is with great regret that your soul is being devoured here, know that, at the very least, since Malnik is a very great believer in collecting rare and valuable artefacts, your soul will continue to exist among her treasures. That in itself is part of your goal, is it not?
Who am I kidding? Malnik would never give her treasures away, I’m afraid you have wasted your time.
I’m truly, truly sorry.
I hope you can forgive me, if not right now, then maybe in the future.
After all, you have an eternity to do so, here in Malnik’s Mound.
hehehe!
Blog posts is one option. The other is to publish as an anthology-ish thing, with a mix of pony and non-pony related chapters.
New rules, new workarounds. At least you have the means to still make things work
Those aren't new rules, are they? It's always been against TOS to provide public links to unpublished stories.
4613089 As far as I was aware it was only against the rules to do it for money-making purposes or for circumventing moderation, since this didn't really fit into those categories, I assumed it was okay as long as I was super-duper careful and respectful. But now, there's a physical system stopping it, so that's a bust.
I loved step 6 because to me is seemed like a reference to Doctor Who. YAY!
Weeping Angels
Heh.
Yay! Doctor Who reference! The statues in step 6 are a reference to Weeping Angels if you don't know, quantum-locked humanoid stone statues in the shape of angels. They move when you're not looking at them, and "kill" you by sending you back in time, feeding on the time energy left as a result.