Celestia's nightmare, I need your opinion · 6:56pm May 29th, 2016
Saying it simply, one of my editors suggested to delete this scene since most readers seems to get tired of the punishments, however some commented that they wanted to see Celestia having such nightmare base on books Luna was reading, so I am adding this blog to ask for your opinion.
Should I add this scene at the beggining of next chapter, or instead keep it here in blog and add link to this blog in author notes? Also, your advices and opinions are most welcome.
"Keep climbing, everypony! We are almost there!" Celestia clutched close to the rugged stone of Canterlot Mountain and paused to take a quick breath. Below her, the ragged line of the undead continued their mindless pursuit. Several had fallen during their climb, descending without noise during their long, long plummet to the unforgiving ground, but most still climbed onwards despite their horrific wounds. This close, she could see the missing eyes and terrible gashes across their bodies, with some even lacking entire limbs. But still, they climbed.
The princess herself was scarcely in much better shape. Similar slashes and bite marks all over her body left drying blood across her formerly pristine white coat, and both wings had been battered and broken until they hung low on her back, unmoving. Even one eye had been clawed into bloody ruin and the resulting slash that traveled from forehead to chin now had an eyepatch attempting to hide the damage. The rest of her armor had prevented more serious wounds, but the arrow-proof vest covering most of her body showed more than a few missing pieces, and the hefty saddlebags on her back could barely still hold the equipment stuffed inside without some of the contents falling out of the slashes.
Despite numerous wounds and harsh experiences, not a single time she felt pain, while already forgetting most of her adventure. Not that she had time to give it any thought.
She quickly levitated a green healing flower from her saddlebag and ate it as some of her wounds closed. Now slightly recovered, she spoke encouragingly, “We are so close, do not give up!” She lit her horn and levitated her little ponies up in direction of Canterlot Canterlot and the zombie-proof barrier of indigo magic which now surrounded it. A safe oasis in this hell was within reach, but still so far away.
“Princess, behind you!” one of the survivors shouted, causing Celestia to look down, only to notice look down, only to see a number of pegasi and griffon zombies take off and fly above the rest of them, heading directly at her and the survivors.
“Go, save yourself!” Celestia screamed as she pushed her subjects with her magic right into the shield as they passed it while their pursuers bounced off upon the contact. Wasting no time, she levitated her crossbow and started to shoot the pegasi zombies one by one. She was slowly reaching the barrier, but for every defeated foe, more came in their place.
There were so many ponies to protect in their panicked flight to safety, but Celestia held her ground to cover their retreat, firing one crossbow bolt after another into the mass of undead. In a matter of minutes, she had run out of ammunition and in an act of desperation, threw her crossbow into the face of a pegasus. Above her, she could hear the glad cries of her little ponies as they made it to Luna's protective shield.
Despite her best efforts, a pegasus and griffon zombie got past her defenses. They threw themselves against her neck and bit down with rotten teeth against her armor. More lunged in her direction as she fought to get free of their disgusting embrace, but she heaved her body in the direction of the shield and leapt forward as the other zombies attacked. For one long moment, she feared their weight would keep her from getting all the way inside the protective barrier, but with a last mournful howl from the frustrated zombies, a glow of cool indigo magic wrapped around her body and pulled her into the protective shield and safety.
***
(On a side note, this isn't like the last dream where Celestia was aware, but rather a typical nightmare she would barely remember when she wakes up.)
If you feel this scene is better kept in blog with link in author notes, upvote this comment. If you see nothing wrong with having it in a chapter, downvote this comment.
Your opinions and suggestions are most welcome.
i say keep it in the story, though perhapse the punishments should be ending soon, as im pretty sure tia has more then payed for what she's done by now.
i feel the punishments are rather unfair regardless of whats been done. if celestia gets punished for every little mistake she makes it would ruin the story
If you like the scene I don't really see a problem.
I think that if Tia doesn't remember the nightmare, maybe a couple out-of-context flashes of the nightmare like other normal nightmares. Something else to possibly consider: Will Luna just continue to do simple punishments for her sister? It seems to me that most of the time it's rooted in some trait or habit of her sister's that she doesn't like. Dreams would be a (largely) consequences-free way to try to get Tia to stop doing something without it being simply a 'punishment'.
I say keep the punishments in, but have them give some sort of lesson to Luna at the end.
something that brings the sister closer together than they were before Luna was sealed on the moon.
I think you should get rid of all references of extreme pain. That was my problem with the scene. These punisments are what most would refer to as cruel and unusal. Maybe if Luna was having fun with her sister in these dreams. Get rid of the pretext of a punishment and just have two sisters have fun. That way you could keep the dreams and not have Celestia go crazy. Unless thats what you were going for. Wait.. are you planning Nightmare Sol? Thats what these punishments seem to be leading to
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There's a reason why I go on with those punishments that I cannot reveal. All I can say is that they won't last long, though Luna already decided to go on with 10 nightmares, so I need to show that those actually took place.
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I feel neutral with this scene. I just though it went well to explain Celestia's jump from the bed and funny scene with the guards, though if the dream scene itself is annoying, I will rather keep it removed or in a blog rather than a chapter.
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I can't spoil anything, though Luna already stated in last chapter that Celestia won't feel any pain in futher nightmares. The first one was just a demonstration.
So far I've been reading at strangly enough like other readers the punishments were what detracted me from the story.
Perhaps I'll just state my reason for feeling this way:
1) Luna feels unlikeable because of doing these punishments. I get that she's not forgiving but at least keep her playful personality that she somewhat had in the previous story. That'll probably add a little sugar to the bitter scene. And didn't Luna proposed to see Celestia''s pov after the previous story? This painted Luna in a really bad light.
2)Celestial being too submissive. I get that she wants forgiveness but honestly her willingness to go along with punishments straight without explaining herself feels off putting. Like some sort of pain-pleasure which I know was not the intent of you writing those scenes
Celestia and Luna are sisters but are wary of one another after the events of Nightmare Moon. Show that they are trying to bond but are still wary of each others personalities due to past mistakes. The first interaction seem to try that but Luna seem too blind to notice.
Other than that, I loved this story for how you handle Twilight. I especially like how you skipped scenes from the show as us readers already know what has happened. Look forward to more.
I can see why this was excluded. It's far too dark and violent for this otherwise rather comedic and light hearted story. While I'd like to see a Fallout: Equestria nightmare, please do not enlude it in the story.