Scene change - Celestia's motivation - Feedback needed · 6:59pm Aug 24th, 2020
Hello all fans of this story. Due to high controversy regarding Celestia's actions and received feedback, I decided to expand on Celestia's scene to give better reasoning behind her actions.
Sure, what she did is still a desperate and bold move, but I hope what I added will make it more understandeable and improve quality of the story.
Added scene is marked in bold:
“March forward, keep up the pace,” Celestia said in a commanding tone, taking firm steps while leading her troops. Her golden regalia reflected rays of the sun, serving more of a decorative purpose than being an effective armor.
She narrowed her eyes as her hooves finally touched the dirt of the hostile forest. The leaves from above blocked most of the sunlight.
I’m sorry Kyuubi, but I’m taking you home, whether you like it or not, Celestia thought to herself. Ever since her guards had informed her that the rumor about the Sage Of The Everfree was indeed accurate, she had started sending search parties, which only angered Sunset more and more. She had even considered going personally, but after her guards brought in the repetitive response that Kyuubi refused to come back, she decided to respect her freedom.
Every three months she would send messengers with an escort, sending a plea for Kyuubi to return, telling her that she shouldn't blame herself and that she’d be welcomed back with open hooves.
Months, years, a decade has passed as receiving the same response over and over became harder to take. Some say time heals mental wounds. This time it wasn't the case.
After gathering courage and determined to talk with Kyuubi eye to eye, she went against her student's wishes and visited the ruined castle herself. Yet the kitsune was nowhere to be found. It didn't help that the elderly ponies living there remained silent about her whereabouts.
Searching every corner and passage of the castle was pointless. To at least talk to Kyuubi, she needed help. She had no choice but to take bold measures. Once Kyuubi would be with her once more, she would have all the time she needs to help her, to show that she can trust herself and be her student once more. Even if the first step wasn't something she was happy about, she was willing to take it.
Celestia spread her wings, flying into the air. “Remember the plan? Cover as much space as possible,” she commanded as her officers quickly carried out her orders.
Seeing a Cragadile emerging from the swamp, she unleashed a hasty beam of her golden magic, scorching the ground in front of its claws as it backed away in response. She wasn’t in the mood for any distractions. Much to her satisfaction, the large beast walked back into the pool of green liquid, not interested in getting in the way of the approaching army.
If she has allowed ponies to get close to her, I may be able to persuade her to live with me once more.
Please tell me what you think of this change and if it softens the issue. Or just share your overal thoughts.
As always, I am looking forward to your feedback.
This is much more believable. Not likeable, but personifies Celly a bit better.
Ugh, so once again, I didn't see much problems with the previous edition but this, I would think and rather hope, expand on Celestia's views good enough.
No one has to like it, no one is perfect. Neither Kyuubi, Shining or Celestia were blameless here.
Ehhhhh, this line I personally don't like, as (in part) I feel like it's targeting me specifically lol. But also the simple fact that it says "this time it wasn't the case". That'd be an assumption, in my opinion. As I said in my comments on the story, sometimes people just don't heal, or it could take a very long time for them to recover.
But that's the only bad thing I'd have to say about this change.
This is more like it. It shows less "Selfish Celestia" and more "Caring Celestia". Definitely an improvement.
Hm?