Riff Review: "Celestia Sleeps In With a Vengeance" by Admiral Biscuit · 9:57am Feb 14th, 2016
Hello, good readers!
Today we're going to be looking at an amusing little tale by the prolific and talented Admiral Biscuit entitled Celestia Sleeps In With a Vengeance.
It's a rare occurrence that I feel like doing an MST3K-style riffing of a good story, but this one was just too good to pass up.
Allon-sey!
Chapter One: In Which the Moon Fails to Set
She'd been skeptical. If a cock couldn't wake her up, what chance did an alarm clock have, shiny chrome case or no?
Big Macintosh, Time Turner, Caramel, Flash Sentry, even Braeburn and Davenport...NONE of them could do the job!
The instructions had been adamant on that point—the clock was not to be overwound.
Twilight herself should have a warning label for that...
The next morning, she’d discovered that she could—while still mostly asleep—fling an alarm-clock sized object across her loft with sufficient force to completely disassemble it, and yet not awaken sufficiently to realize she had done it.
Like pretty much everyone else who hates mornings.
They had responded by adding another page of warnings and cautions to the owner's manual, and had sent her a voucher for 5% off her next purchase of a fire hose.
Which, in Ponyville, is surprisingly more useful than you'd think.
Despite her lackluster performance as a librarian, she had been promoted to Princess, a position which had come with some unusual perks.
A raise! Free dental! A year's free subscription to the Dessert of the Month Club!
Twilight considered the evidence before her carefully. Even with the addition of a pegasus' wings and an earth pony's mighty strength, she was still a scientist at heart, and a scientist never jumped to conclusions.
In Twilight's case, they leapt headlong into an abyss blindfolded while laughing hysterically.
After an hour of thoughtful deliberation—assisted by two books on philosophy, a poorly-written research paper, and a small tipple of applejack, she came to her conclusion: ponies make clocks, and ponies are fallible. Celestia raises the sun, and Celestia is infallible. Thus, it stood to reason that—as unlikely a coincidence as this was—the egg-timers, water clock, candle, and town clock had all failed in exactly the same manner, and therefore were not reliable time-keeping devices.
Like I said.
Twilight fully intended to go back to bed in the interim. She'd just have to rely on the somewhat unreliable performance of a cock to wake her.
The stallions of Ponyville are just too intimidated by an alicorn to get the job done.
Now annoyed, she tried to bump the moon below the horizon a few more times, but it was still stuck. Even when she lifted it a few degrees and slammed it down, it would not cross the horizon.
Blue Mares Can't Dunk.
Princesses have needs, too, just like anypony else. It was hard to keep that in mind, though; shortly after she'd discovered that she could view other ponies' dreams, she'd made the terrible mistake of viewing Celestia's. All these centuries later, the images were still vivid in her mind
"I never knew, or wanted to know, it was possible to do that with six triple-layer double-chocolate creme cakes, a stack of eclairs, an iced apple turnover, and a bucket of ice cream."
Her sister was decidedly not being intimate with anypony else. Instead, she was sprawled across her bed, her chin resting on her forelegs, while her hind legs were somewhat awkwardly stretched out to one side. It was a manner in which Luna had seen innumerable cats doze; it was not a position which was normally comfortable for ponies.
Silly Luna. Ponies are cats. Haven't you figured that out by now?
Instead, she gently tip-hooved out of the room, only pausing once to admire a very realistic stone alarm clock which was seated in a slight depression in the wall.
Looks like Twilight isn't the only one.
There was likely already a line of ponies outside the throne room, all demanding to know why the sun hadn’t risen on schedule. Fortunately, she knew just the words to reassure them.
"My sister has the feather flu. I'm afraid it's going to be night until she recovers."
As soon as she had reached a position at the base of the throne—actually sitting on it would send the wrong signal, she reasoned
On reflection, she should probably also take out her fake fangs and take off the Nightmare armor. After all, it wasn't even Nightmare Night...
“Very well then. It is decided that it is not yet time for the sun to rise. When the sun does rise, it shall be 6:51 am. Set your clocks accordingly. I have spoken.”
Way to throw the entire calendar out of whack, Luna.
Chapter Two: In Which Celestia Continues to Sleep
Even a few very pointed dreams had borne no fruit; they’d invented record players, but what good did those do?
It seemed like such a step backwards from the CD players they invented first!
Twilight watched as a burst of dragonfire hit the wall beside her. In the moment before another came, she leapt across the alleyway and through the front door of a Rarity’s Crab Shack.
Welcome to Memequestria.
She stood on her hind hooves and crossed her forelegs over her well-muscled barrel.
...
“Your confidence is misplaced, fool!” Twilight yanked off her mask and tore off her skintight garb, revealing her majestic wings.
...
“You’re my hero, Twilight Sparkle! I’d do anything to thank you. Anything at all.”
A small smile played across the youngest alicorn’s lips. “I cannot deny a lady her wishes.” She tore off her costume again, pulling the pink mare close. She smelled just like bubblegum. “Kiss me. Kiss me so that the gods themselves know of our love.”
Welp. Twilight's dreams are a mess. 
It was awkward enough to be awakened by a cock; the wrathful visage of the Princess of the Night was even worse.
The fact that Princess Luna was waking her up with a cock was beyond her capacity for rational comprehension, so she jumped out a window to her grisly demise to purge that image from her brain forever.
“Spike? Are you in there?”
“Taking a bath. I’m going to Rarity’s this morning.” She heard splashing and bubbles popping. “I got up early, I think. The sun isn’t up yet, anyway. So I’m taking a bath.”
“Well, hurry up. I’ve got to piss like a racehorse.”
As opposed to pissing like a regular old horse. Or a super-powerful demigoddess horse, in this case.
“Oh, be mature about this. You know that everypony pees. Haven’t you ever heard Rarity? She tries to hold it as long as she can, but that’s not healthy. It can cause incontinence. If the . . . Spike? You have to breathe, Spike. Pull your head up out of the water. Don’t make me come over there.”
Spike: "Goodbye, childhood..."
“Just let me get my bags. I’ll need my crown and hoofie-boots, too. And that weird necklace yoke thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the most well-read mare in Equestria.
The sundial in the market square says nothing, and Big Mac’s cock hasn’t risen yet.
It only does that around Cheerilee. And sometimes Fluttershy.
“Neigh, Twilight, we must raise the sun ourselves.” Luna floated a pan-holder over to Twilight. “We found these in the kitchen. We understand that the sun is hot, so we must be cautious to avoid burns. Slide this over your horn.”
...Luna's a silly.
Also, I'd advise the writer to take a look at this blog post. Writing Luna like this post-S3 when she's long since stopped talking like this is a pet peeve of mine. 
Chapter Three: In Which the Sun is Finally Raised
She looked up when Discord walked out of his room, wearing mismatched striped pajamas. He had a bottomless cup of coffee in his talon, and was
spilling hot coffee all over Fluttershy's nice clean floor.
“Fluttershy, dear?” Discord pointed with his tail. “What are those two doing?”
“Oh.” Fluttershy's cheeks turned slightly pink. “They're . . . making babies.”
“If his head is up there, and her head is down—“
“To prolong the, um . . . female bats sometimes. . . . Isn't nature fascinating?”
Fluttershy's intimate knowledge of the sexual practices of various small animals probably explains why she can't get a boyfriend.
Err, one that isn't a draconequus, that is.
"Eep!" Twilight snapped her head around, and lost focus of her levitation spell. She tried to get it back, but it was too late. The orb plummeted, and shattered on the ground. For a moment, flames flickered around the edges, before darkness fell again.
That's what Celestia gets for buying one of those cheap imported suns.
"Thou dost make a good case," Luna admitted. "Very well." She turned to a box of Celestia's personal Hearth's Warming ornaments, floated another one in her aura, poured lamp oil over it, and lit it on fire. With an expert flick of her head, she flung it over the courtyard as it flamed to life, and nodded at Twilight. "Let us attempt again."
*facefault* 
Nice bait and switch there. 
Luna gave her a strange look, but Twilight didn’t notice: she was looking at Luna’s heavenly body.
The moon was there too.
Interrupting the riffing to point out a continuity error:
“Oh, and to practice sharing fields."
“I’ve already done that with Cadance and the tatzlwurm, you know.”
Okay, so if "Three's A Crowd" has already happened, then...
Spike informed them that Luna had summoned Twilight to Canterlot, and showed them to the meeting room. He passed out the necklaces
This could not have happened. They don't HAVE the Elements, anymore? I mean, he could just give them pointless empty necklaces, I guess.
Back to riffing!
“Remember, Twilight Sparkle, first a little push to get her going, and then pull for all thou art worth.”
"Just like sex. Got it."
Her eyes flashed white as she concentrated every fiber of her being into the spell, reaching out and grasping hold as Luna had instructed her. It would be hard, hot, and heavy, but she was the mare for the task.
Exactly like sex.
With a feral grunt, Twilight snapped her head upward.
That fast? How pent-up was she?
Two blocks away, a five-story statue of Prince Blueblood achieved escape velocity, blazing upwards like a giant stone bottle rocket.
That's the closest he'll ever get to joining the Mile-High Club.
Both were dripping sweat when it finally broached the horizon. Twilight’s breath was coming in short gasps, but Luna had better endurance, and showed no other visible signs of strain.
Experience matters. Always.
“Our horn feels as hard as ever; how does yours feel?”
Twilight's always horny. 
Chapter Four: In Which Celestia Wakes
Celestia did what any half-asleep sun-Goddess would do when faced with that situation: she squinted her eyes shut, and—by magical feel alone—pushed the sun back down to the horizon. If anypony had been in the room with her, they would have heard her mutter “five more minutes, Mom,” before drifting back off to sleep.
The perks of being the goddess of the sun: you have the ULTIMATE snooze button.
Off in the distance, she could hear the sound of countless cocks rising to celebrate the sun's arrival.
Apparently, in Equestria, morning wood makes a comical "BOIIIIIIING!" sound.
Energy coursed through her and she tilted her head back and let it go, let it go.
Then she turned away and slammed the door.
A moment later, as if by magic, every clock in Equestria showed high noon.
"BOIIIIIIING!"
And out in front of Sweet Apple Acres, Big Mac's cock proudly stood, welcoming the coming of a new day.
"BOIIIIIIING!"
Not sure if it's intentional, but it's "Allons-y!"
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/10/6/115390__safe_twilight+sparkle_rainbow+dash_pinkie+pie_applejack_princess+luna_princess+celestia_comic_spike_derpy+hooves.png
And now Marble Pie.
img12.deviantart.net/8736/i/2015/298/0/9/explanation_needed_by_corsairsedge-d9ebfpd.png
It's based on a different story of mine in which Luna still speaks archaic. That's my excuse.
Surprised that's the only continuity error, to be honest. The story takes place within a month of Twilight's ascension.
An thus the incident came to be known as The Great Clock Cock-Up.
3753319 Hey, check Dropbox. That enough resources to work with?
3754681
No, the initial plan was just to have Celestia sleep in. The rest just sort of happened.
3754967
Yeah, that's what this one is a spinoff of. That franchise is now close to half a million words--one complete story, one nearly-complete story, and a dozen or so side stories and related stories.
This came about because one of my loyal readers complained that there wasn't enough of Celestia actually sleeping in the original story.
3754967 You're thinking about the "Princess Celestia is in Your Bed" series of stories.
3755017
Wow I missed this one until just now.
He isn't thinking of the In Your Bed stories; I do have a long-running series, beginning with Celestia Sleeps In, then Onto the Pony Planet, and there are a number of side stories, related stories, and whatnot.
3788623 Ahh, OK. My bad.