That profound thing · 8:34pm Feb 13th, 2016
Like I said in the last blog post, I meant to end with something profound, but then forgot what.
Well, this isn't profound, and it hasn't got ponies, either. But it's a story update, sort of. Y'all have never seen it, and that totally counts for something, right?
Wrote this back in 2009 for my dad, when he was laid up with knee replacement surgery.
Source
This will make sense as you read on
Choose Your Own Adventure
You are browsing the shelves at the library, because you're bored. It's too cold to go home, so you're letting the car warm up, and hey, the library's just across the street from work, which is quite convenient, so you're there. Or maybe . . . well, it's not important.
You see a book that says, "Choose your own adventure." You kind of remember sort of liking those when you were a kid, but really, didn't those always end badly? You seem to remember one where you got to be different kinds of animals, and you usually wound up as a mosquito, and got squished. Why couldn't you have become a great white shark, or a rhino, or something that would strike fear into your enemies?
Do you pick up the book? Go to the next paragraph.
No, you'll just leave it there. So you do, and go home, and that's the end of the story. Stop reading.
You pick up the book. Flip through it. Read a couple of pages. Sure, you remember how annoying it was, back in the day, to turn to page 20, then page 43, then back to 21. But you start reading it as you walk out the door of the library. Do you look both ways before you cross the street?
No? Didn't your parents teach you anything? Good thing that bus had good brakes! Keep reading.
Yes. Boring. You avoid the bus, but get hit by a meteor. Risk-taking is sometimes rewarded. Stop reading!
Somehow, you're fascinated by the book. You can hardly put it down while you're driving home, but . . .
You do, and get home safely.
You don't. You get a ticket for distracted driving and a stern talking-to by an unfriendly county cop. Oh well, the fine's worth it, only $15. No wonder it's so dangerous to drive, these days!
Now you look in the cupboards, and there's nothing to eat except ramen and 14 cans of creamed corn (why on earth did you buy so many cans, you hate creamed corn). Do you:
order a pizza? go to next paragraph
eat the creamed corn? it tastes as bad as you remembered. yuck!
eat the ramen? it tastes like, and looks like, shredded paper. yuck!
dominos? it's cheap, but tastes like cardboard. skip the next paragraph.
pizza hut? mmmmm. feel your arteries clogging?
hungry howies? you choose the garlic crust and now your roommate hates you.
marcos? it's good, but kind of cold 'cause the driver got lost and you didn't give him a tip.
While you're eating, you keep perusing the book (unless you ordered dominos, you fool). You wonder if this could somehow pertain to your own life. Of course, it doesn't. Still, there's one page that hits kind of close to home, you think, as you're eating your pizza/ramen/creamed corn. There's this page that has the hero (who is in the second person, of course) trying to decide what to eat for dinner, and it happens that the choices are the same as what's in your cupboard/on your speed dial. Are you:
creeped out by this coincidence, and burn the book? Stop reading.
curious how far down the rabbit hole you'll go and make a random Matrix reference? keep reading.
So the next page says:
Would you rather be a wizard? Go forward 2 paragraphs.
or Would you rather be an accountant? Keep reading.
If you have a net of 5,000 with an overhead of 1,500 and a 6% tax, plus one employee who makes minimum wage, and you're working out of your own house, 10 hours per day, your gross income on a per-hour basis, assuming that you forgot to pay your social security tax is what? Hey, you wanted to be an accountant. Go account something.
Poof! You're a wizard, pointy-hat and all. You wish you'd thought of reading this before you ate that creamed corn/ramen/cheap pizza, but you're sure you know a spell that'll cure indigestion. Sure enough, you find a page in your spellbook (where did that come from?) that says, "To cure indigestion, cast this spell." Hey, I can't be bothered with details. Do I sound like an accountant?
Yes: go back one paragraph
No: keep reading.
So you cast that spell, and hey! Presto, the indigestion's gone, and so's your favorite velvet Elvis painting. Well, no matter, the way the spell worked, you forgot you even had it. It was ugly anyhow. So now you're thinking, "I am a wizard."
Yes, I am a wizard. No, you're not, actually, you're just reading a cool story where you are. It's ok, keep reading.
No, I am not a wizard. Yes you are. Sometimes you've got to believe in yourself. Read the last paragraph ten times.
You are a wizard. You try a few more simple spells, and pretty soon you've got a cool new unicorn in the driveway, a whole new wardrobe (and new clothes to go in it!), and no possessed brooms that you can't get rid of, which is a relief. You're getting the hang of this. but now it's getting late, and I can't be bothered to put a capital letter at the beginning of each sentance, or spell correctly. Get over it. So you're thinking, do wizards have to go to work? You decide:
Heck, no, wizards are way cool and don't have to go to work at all. Go ahead two paragraphs.
Yes, wizard or not, you had better go to work, so you do. Keep reading.
So you go to work. It's boring. And repetitive. And the boss yells at you. Secretly, you're thinking, "If only I'd brought my spellbook, I'd:"
"Read it and alleviate the boredom." Go ahead one paragraph.
"Turn the boss into a newt, make myself boss, and then go mad with power." You do. Your reign is great and terrible. Everyone trembles before you, until eventually one insignificant little child you paid no attention to becomes a greater wizard than you and banishes you forever, and, well, you know the story. Stop reading and hang your head in shame.
So you read your spellbook, and . . . wait, you don't, because you didn't bring it. Don't you remember the boy scout motto? BE PREPARED. You weren't prepared. So when the dragon sails in through the loading dock, disguised as a FedEx truck, you have no counterspells prepared and cower in terror while it extorts every stapler from the whole office, and your boss says, "I'd promote anyone who could stop this dragon" but no one, not even you, can, and it's sad, but, life goes on. Keep reading.
You're at home, now. If you went to work, you reflect on it. If you didn't, you don't. If you don't like choose your own adventure, now's the time to stop. Do you?
Yes. No further instructions.
No. What, are you a glutton for punishment?
Ok, so you've kept on reading. Time passes. By now, you've done everything that you think a wizard should do, so you say:
"I wanna be a thief." 1 paragraph.
"I wanna be a warrior." That's kind of boring. What does a warrior do, in this day and age? Your armor's hot, your sword's heavy, and there's no monsters to kill. So you say, "I should've been a thief."
Now you are a thief. You can climb up walls silently, hide in shadows, pick pockets, etc. You are loved and admired for the brilliance of your heists and the way you decide to donate all your profits to the Salvation Army (it's really more of a hobby for you, you got everything you ever wanted while you were a wizard).
But you finally get tired of being a thief. You say:
"I wanna be an accountant." What is WRONG with you? NO ONE wants to be an accountant. What? Ok, fine. Poof. You're an accountant. You get a great job at this company called Enron, and make a lot of money, but then you lose it all, but it's ok, the Federal Government is going to take care of your room and board from now on. Lucky you. Stop reading.
"I wanna be a lion juggler" You meant to say "lion tamer," but you were thinking of juggling chainsaws while you said it, and it came out lion juggler and poof, you're juggling lions.
Ever try to STOP juggling lions? But you finally manage. And everyone was amazed that you juggled lions, and amazed that you stopped juggling lions without getting eaten. And now you say,
"I wanna be an accountant." No, you can't be an accountant. That's not a choice.
"I wanna eat a hot-fudge sundae." advance 1 paragraph.
"I wanna go to sleep." Ok, fine. go to sleep.
Go to the kitchen, and get out a bowl and the ice cream and the ice cream scoop, and put two scoops in the bowl, and then get some hot fudge, and pour that on, too. maybe some whipped cream, if you've got it (of course you do, what kind of ex-wizard wouldn't?), and a cherry on top. Now eat it.
Wasn't that good?
So yeah, that was a thing. If I was feeling frisky, I could ponify it and make it into a proper choose-your-own adventure story, but that's really a lot of work, and have you ever tried to stop juggling lions?
From the Wiki
Also, this is tangentially related to something I'm thinking of working on. I'll let y'all draw your own conclusions.
Source
Poor Octopus thinking it can open the Pickels of the Dammned as well as its own jar home.
Domino's! Food of the damned!!
Wait, I'm confused. Why would I ever want to stop being a wizard?
Hey, I recognize that comic artist! Man, Ask Surprise was a staple of old Tumblrpon.
3751822
Octopuses are talented jar-openers, I've heard. They're also kind of creepy.
3751881
Interestingly, Domino's quality has improved since I wrote the story. They're still bad, but they're not as bad.
3752171
That's a fair point.
img08.deviantart.net/aaf8/i/2012/153/9/6/derpy__master_of_elements_02_by_delectablecoffee-d51mp5l.png
3752248
I can't think of what other drawings of his I've seen, but I recognized the name immediately.
I'd rather be a brave soldier of the Breakfast Nation than some pussy tryhard wizard.
~Corporal Waffle
3752344
pre00.deviantart.net/e392/th/pre/i/2015/108/6/1/cloudchaser_and_pancakes__vector__by_umbravivens-d78puuu.png
Pancakes for all!
3752366 I actually had pancakes for lunch.
3752372
I had nachos.
Have you read Ryan North's To Be Or Not To Be? It's a CYOA of Hamlet.
3752379 U w07 m8
3752380
I have not. I am currently putting it in my shopping cart on Amazon.
I always loved Choose Your Own Adventure books.
Also, I have now discovered that the first thing I think of when I see the words 'lion tamer' is chartered accountancy.
I usually wound up 'losing' in them. Especially that one where I got turned into a mosquito.
I used to think of Monty Python and their accountant's sketch. Nowadays it's our shop accountant, who occasionally sends me hilarious text messages.
Oye! What's wrong with ramen?
3753845
It's basically string and salt, that's what's wrong with it. I suspect that eating a salt packet and a paper napkin would have approximately the same nutritional value.
3754959 But it's so yummy.... ;)
3754959 Well most people just eat it as is. It's intended to be a soup base type things. You add stuff to it.
This was so surreal.