Another bit from Not the Hero · 5:53am Feb 8th, 2016
This is recorded from Discord's tooth as he enters a Changeling hive in the nation of Hayre (as in Eire, or Ireland) to question them. (This is not Chrysalis' hive; we've seen them already by this point in the story, but I'm not going to spoiler any of that.)
Excuse me! Excuse me, sir! Or ma’am, or whatever you are, I can never gender you Changelings properly. Can you tell me –
--No, that is what we call rude. You do not try to mob the draconequus for asking—
--It’s jello. You’re swimming in it. If you don’t want it to cover your breathing holes you might want to—
--Hello! Lord of Chaos, trying to talk here!
--No, it makes perfect sense. I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever magic you fire bounces off of me and sticks to you. Literally. Also, got your horn!
--I would already—
--Stop jumping on me! I am three seconds away from conjuring a giant fly swatter—
--All right, that’s it. This is my ool! Notice there are no liferafts in it! I’m sure there will be some pee once you figure out that I really don’t care if you all drown, but there are definitely no liferafts.
--The meaning of this, Your Majesty, is that I came here to ask a simple question and all of these changelings attacked me.
--I can’t be trespassing. I’m the spirit of chaos. See my badge, here? This gives me the right to go anywhere on the world I want to.
--You really don’t want to be doing that, Your Majesticness.
--I warn them and warn them but they never listen…
--What? It’s just butter! I didn’t kill your queen, she’ll have herself dug out of there in no time.
--If you would just—
--Fine! You can all drown! Or you could answer my very simple question, and then I could give Mr. Princely here back his horn, and move my ool back home, and maybe even stop buttering your queen! Though really, she should be paying me for this. Butter will do wonders for her complexion.
--Just one little question. Where is the hive of Forgotten Sky?
--That’s fine, that’s fine. Changeling solidarity and all that. I guess I’ll just put your hive in my bag to go—
--Yes. Yes, you’re in a bag. Yes, I’m going to tie the bag closed and then you’re all going to have to do a lot of drinking if you don’t want to drown. Wow, that’s going to result in a whole lot of pee, won’t it. I mean, it’ll go from being an ool to a pool to a p, because there won’t be any water left in the ool after you guys are done drinking it all—
--Oh, did I forget to mention that? Silly me! I’m Discord, the spirit of chaos. Pretty sure I did mention the spirit of chaos part.
--Hi, Queeny! How did you like the butter? Me, I prefer cream cheese.
--Speak up! Don’t be shy!
--Oh, come now, trying to drown the only fellow who’s trying to save all your lives? Just because he’s willing to sell out a fellow Changeling hive to save this one? What did Forgotten Sky do for you guys that you’re willing to die for them?
--You’re right, that’s not what my rep suggests at all. I’ve been going about this all wrong! Instead of filling the bag with water and threatening to drown you, I should turn you all into collectible Hearth’s Warming ornaments!
--Oh, you’ve heard that? You’ve been to Equestria, or am I just that fascinating?
--You spied on Celestia? Magnificent! Right under Chrysalis’ nose, too. I’m very impressed. But see, the thing I said was “I don’t turn ponies to stone”, not “I don’t turn Changelings into hoof-sized crystal ornaments for a Hearth’s Warming tree.” Oh, wait, Yule tree. I forgot you guys don’t even celebrate Hearth’s Warming over here!
--How about cheese? Would you prefer being cheese?
--Your Majesty, I don’t think this ling likes being cheese. Now that you’re covered in cream cheese, I think you have the experience to answer this. Should I make him an orn—
--That was rude, my dear.
--Yes, I know this is your hive. I still outrank you. Spirit of Chaos, fundamental underpinning force of magic, plus, not only do I have your horn, I also have your nose.
--Gingerbread Changelings! There we go! That’s not a single bit like stone.
--Alas, poor Changeling Queen! I knew her, Horatio. A mare of infinite stubbornness.
--No, I haven’t killed her. How could she still be screaming curses at me if I had killed her? I just removed her head, sheesh.
--Well, she should have thought of that before she charged at me… after I’d already taken her horn. And her nose. But I think I’m going to put back her nose; there you go, much more attractive. I don’t really have enough heads that are always screaming in my trophy room at home; old pal of mine used to send me one every Samhain, but we fell out of touch this last millennium.
--Now you’re willing to deal? I turn half the lings in this room into Gingerlings and one of them into cheese, I remove your queen’s head from her body and dance with it, and it’s not until I say I’m going to take her for a trophy—
--You actually don’t, dear heart. See?
--Oh, the screaming. Tone it down, willya? That’s better. Ah, the old zipper trick, never fails to calm them down.
--Why, yes. Yes, these fully poseable and finely crafted figurines are all of the Princesses currently present in this hive. Except I think this guy might be a Prince. I could look at his undercarriage to check but frankly you guys aren’t really impressively built to begin with and now that I’ve made him fun-sized I think I’d need a magnifying—
--Did you have something to say, Your Majesty? Because if this is more snarling and cursing I’ll just take your entire mouth the next time and not even bother with a zipper.
--So that thing you were saying before about how it doesn’t matter what I do to you because your daughters will take your place… is it sinking in now that that is not an option on the table?
--I already told you what I want! Give me the location of the Forgotten Sky hive and I’ll turn everyling back into a Changeling, return the horns I took, clean up the water and the cream cheese, and put your head back on your body.
--There we go. Was that really so hard? Here, just to show you how grateful I am that you finally answered my question, let me give you all a makeover.
--I think it’s an improvement! You’re love vampires, right? Well, all the fillies love vampires that sparkle! You’ll be a huge hit!
--Mmm… no. You can stay this way. Let it be a lesson to you. When the Spirit of Chaos says “jump”, you say, “how applesauce?”
--And here I thought we already had the discussion about horns.
--Oh, it’s in this hive someplace. Dig hard enough, you’ll find it. Do be sure to wash it before you put it back on your head.
--What do you mean what good will that do? As soon as it’s back on your head, it’ll stick again and you’ll be able to do magic just like before. But you won’t be able to get rid of the yellow stripes. Those are a permanent gift from me to you.
--One more complaint and when you stick the horn back on it will fasten to your nose and you’ll bloat to the size of a giant honeybee. Maybe I should do that anyway.
--You let your children beg on your behalf, but you’re too proud to beg for yourself? Is that it? Well, after the hard time you’ve given me, maybe I’d like to hear some begging. Maybe some “Discord, please, don’t make me look like a giant bee and be the laughingstock of every hive in Hayre for the rest of my life” would go down nicely right now.
--Okay, bee that way! Haha! You get it? Bee that way?
--Oh, you Changelings are a terrible audience. Grow a sense of humor if you don’t want to be pink sparkly Changelings with a honeybee Queen for the rest of your lives.
Sounds like he should of started off with bribery "look princess cadence plushies, squeeze and it gives off love "
I'm not sure whether I should call this terrifying, or hilarious. But since I don't know the context entirely, I'll settle for a splendid mix of both.
When negotiating with the Spirit of Chaos, do remember that you are very definitely not on an equal footing with him. Best to get rid of him as quickly as possible... unless he feels like you're just trying to chase him out.
Basically, there is no single good technique for dealing with Discord, with the possible exception of "play along."
This is absoluterly hilarous, and terrifying at the same time.
Dang, Discord's a jerk.
But a hilarious one, and he did warn them.
It's not really his fault the 'lings are bunch of humourless blockheads anyway, is it now?
I mean, who is dense enough to talk back to someone who took already off your head, put your castle into a bag and has now agreed to turn things mostly back to normal?
I need some popcorn for this one.
It took me some time to realize the joke with the "ool". It was pretty funny when I realized.
3741084
We used to go swimming at a pool belonging to family friends. They had a sign up, "This is our OOL. Notice there is no P in it. Please keep it that way!" When I was 12 I thought that was the most hilarious thing ever.
Is is humorous or horrifying? Well, it did show that Discord still has trouble seeing things from other people's point of view. (Changelings are born with sticks up their asses. No, really, it's a complicated part of their anatomy designed to make them all act as if they have a stick up their ass.) Also, for an avatar of chaos he's still using a metaphorical hammer to solve most of his problems. (And turning those problems into nails.)
Overall a real nice section. Thanks for writing it for us, Doscord's Tooth!
Interesting. This post about Discord and the changlings made me realize something: Discord got released to be reformed fairly quickly after the Canterlot Wedding. Knowing the way Chrysalis thinks, I'm sure she thinks that:
A)Discord was released from stone solely so Celestia could have him on hand to defend Equestria from threats.
B)Chrysalis was the primary threat that inspired Discord's release in the first place.
I bet dollars to donuts Chrysalis thinks Discord owes her a favor, but I doubt Discord sees it like that. And I wonder what will happen to Chrysalis the day she tries to call in that "favor."
3741729
Doesn't affect Not the Hero, but yes, in mainstream canon-compliant land, that may well be exactly what she thinks.
Actually, she sort of does think he owes her something in Not the Hero -- she believes that he got free because of the chaos of the Changelings' battle with Anon. Discord knows better. But Chrysalis is much, much better at handling Discord than this other Changeling queen in the scene above, largely because she has nothing whatsoever to lose anymore. Discord can't intimidate someone who is no longer afraid of anything because the worst has already happened and is still happening.
3741753 I don't think in Not the Hero we've covered what happened during the changling invasion. But I doubt Anon would be "merciful" or "proportionate" in response, so I can make a guess.
3741802
It was covered -- it was Anon's debut, where he (according to Discord, who was in stone at the time and may not have as accurate information as he usually does) found the Element of Protection and used it to "destroy" the Changelings. The hive isn't completely dead... but it was close.
Discord broke out a day later and went to Zebrica. Eventually he figured out it was not the chaos of the battle with the Changelings that did it, but the massive shift in the Elements that occurred when Anon took up the Element of Protection -- that broke the seal. The battle with the Changelings was just the last straw, kind of like the fight between the CMC in Return of Harmony.
3741913 Ahh, thanks. I figured it was something genocidal.
I just have to say that I am hyped, though I am patient. One cannot rush perfection, after all.