Sharks On A Plane · 1:23am Jul 31st, 2014
The sequel claims Andy Dick would be hired as an officer by the NYPD.
Y'know, of all the possible ways the movie could have shot all its dubious credibility in the first twenty minutes, that wouldn't have been the one I predicted.
Oh, and they just claimed airborne homing shark with a grudge. So now we're ripping off Jaws, only with flight and airplane-tracking shark GPS. Plus the background weather forecast called for twelve inches of shark accumulation.
This is art.
Dada, but art.
ETA: And now not only is CitiField right on a river, but all Mets games are sold out, so you can't get in without a ticket. I'm not sure which is more improbable.
The script currently has the celebrity weatherman predicting snow in July. Because, you know, excuse your filming time. Plus you're here for flying sharks, so why is this the part of the forecast worth questioning?
"What does the inside of a shark smells like?"
Richard Kind is in this movie. Because money.
They're evacuating a hospital wing, so patients are instructed to stay in their rooms...
Totally coincidental meeting! Sub-zero July weather! Umpires cancel game in seconds without any screaming managers! No one charging a Shark Tax! ...oh, come on. This is NYC. Those sharks came in over the bridge. Fifteen bucks. Each.
Commercials. Which are better scripted.
Stadium is sold out with an attendance of -- about fifty. Typical bandbox. Which no one can hit a home run in.
Jumping ferry shark! No ticket! Pay the fine! And we follow this with -- sewer shark. In a cave system. Which means the subway system will flood. All of it. Including the elevated track of the Queens 7 line. From twelve inches of shark accumulation.
Shark bites through about twenty percent of a subway car. Well, they could already fly. Now I'm just looking for the cape. It also explains why none of the sharks are suffocating in the air. Ever.
A commercial invites us to download a Go Shark Yourself app. In case you wondered how this movie was being financed.
Sharkbutt. Unnoticed sharkbutt. Without rational escape explanation. Or any other kind. Also, magnetic cabbie.
Put 'sharkbutt' into your spellchecker. See what happens.
The script claims there are no guns or chainsaws in New York City. Because they're illegal. You may now die laughing. And no one thinks to just go into the center of a thick-walled building. But then, these sharks can bite through it. Where are the glowing green rocks when you need them?
Storm blows the Statue Of Liberty's head off. Weather forecasters very calm about it. Because they have a paid appearance and will live. Everyone told to stay off street. Next street scene entirely normal and calm. Because Manhattan. Also, no budget.
Hospital loses patient. Ceiling loses integrity. Live shark plunges through it and lives. About forty floors had to be bashed through first. And yet the shark can be stabbed. All we need is for someone to blame the sharks on a political party and it's officially America.
Hank Hill school of warfare. It's all right, it's all right, it's all right... propane.
Where is the Air Force, given that the means of destroying these things is now known? Clearly the President defunded the sharknado control program and gave all the money to golf course fees. You're welcome.
Shark accumulation now two inches per hour. Also, flood waters pour in from the second floor.
Shouldn't we have seen a dolphin drizzle by now?
Night shot in the cab! Day shot outside it! Sun! Clouds! Grey sky! Clear! Luna has a part-time environment continuity job and a sick sense of humor!
The movie jumps the shark. As part of the script. So they can say just that.
Forty minutes of this left. I can survive it. I have listened to Donald Trump speak for five minutes and lived.
We will now attempt to outspeed a waterspout on a bicycle. Also, sharks don't eat romantic plot tumors. The sharks are more intelligent than the movie.
The Statue is history. The glass on every structure is still intact. Moral: Next time, glass statue.
Storm converging where characters are. GPS winds. With Mapquest. No one being blown backwards so much as an inch.
Original film solution fails. However, some of the falling sharks are now on fire. And all the water in Manhattan is being pulled into this one building. Guess how? That's right. The movie is now literally sucking.
Commercial with Lady The Alicorn. No kidding. Beware the inevitable fanfics.
We will now hand all of New York City over to a surfer with propane. And freon. Because there is no defense budget. And there are no explosives in the city. Just like there are no guns, chainsaws, or common sense. Also, no one has fined Finn for anything yet. Are we sure this isn't Detroit?
Shark radar. Live! Chainsaw at last! Rousing speech! Shark rebuttal! Shark fillet!
Now applying the Doc Brown solution. 1.21 gigawatts. This will freeze a storm. How? Why do you still care?
Tara Reid now has a rotary saw for a hand. How unoriginal.
And just as with Doc, the wires pull loose. Because ripoff. Cable too short now: same. Hoversharks. Human lighting conduction. Boom. Romantic plot tumor may have died. Hero spinning in the storm. Commercials. Do they survive? Has the trilogy been booked?
How does it end? Stupid people celebrate in the street so sharks can fall on them. Daytime tv hosts kill sharks. Gun and chainsaws suddenly everywhere. Hero falls at one foot per hour while killing and riding sharks. Gains altitude. Lands on building antenna. But there's time for one last attack.
Okay. So. He needs a weapon. And he finds the only shark who ate a woman's arm while it was holding a gun. No digestion. No swallowing. Still in the mouth. It's his ex-wife's arm. The gun was reloaded by the shark's throat. He kills the incoming one, takes the ring off the hand -- in front of his ex -- and proposes to her with it. She says yes. The end. Or is it?
I did this live on the Kindle via tapping: thus the staccato sentences.
I have to go reboot my brain now.
So how long until Snakenado?
2330202
You are now overqualified to write for this studio.
But make it a Snakephoon. So it can destroy Tokyo.
Dear Lord... The movie is so shitty it's hilarious. Just like the first one!
2330234, 2330202
And it is the result of radiation leaked into the sea from a nuclear power plant, so it's Snakephoonzilla.
...dude, whatever you're smoking, bring enough to share with the rest of the class.
2330524
I was drug-free and sober all the way through the movie.
I really regret that.
Thanks for suffering through this so we don't have to. I salute you, Estee.
...this is a real movie!?
Estee, you need to stop hurting yourself. We're all worried about you.
You know the movies are intentionally bad on SyFy Saturdays, right?
Like that's the whole thing: zero budget and even let the actors direct some.
2330814
In the sense that something was recorded on film, yes.
2330903
At some point in the future, I may detail why watching this thing was an improvement over my last two weeks. The far future. After the various statutes of limitations run out.
2330935
It was Wednesday.
Also, there's 'intentionally bad', and then there's 'intentional viewer body count'.
2331560
now we've had flying sharks... we need to take it to the next level.
ALLIGATORS ON A SPACE SHUTTLE!
I kind of want to watch this now. It sounds like the self-aware kind of dumb.
2332290
...and I have epically failed.
*sigh* On the other hand, you'll have plenty of company. I just checked the ratings: approximately 3,900,000 tuned in to see what kind of debris flew out of this particular train wreck.
And I'll sum up the NYTimes review: 'It should have been dumber.'
2332406
Look on the bright side. Michael Bay had nothing to do with it!
And your review was unquestionably entertaining. I suspect more so than the movie itself. It's just … I have a soft spot in my heart for something that brings its 'A' game to the challenge of being bad. I wrote My Harshwhinnial, after all, and "Chapter 12" (the one where the author hands the manuscript over to his far more literate older sister, who has to create the chapter from his incomprehensible outline without the context of My Little Pony, AND without the context of anything he's previously written) was one of the most fun things I've ever made.