Traveling Tutor and the Librarian Review - A Blog Response · 9:49pm Jun 2nd, 2013
Well, the day has finally arrived, for me to be a loving bride for my review of TTatL that I submitted through the /fic/ process on 3/3 (Sorry, Canterlot Wedding flashback)
Thank You:
Before I get started, I would like to give a very sincere Thank You to the reviewer who took time out of his busy schedule to read, analyze, and post on my fic. We don’t appreciate people with this kind of talent and commitment nearly enough, because (for the most part) they seem to be on a par with people who come up to you at a party and say, “Your baby is really ugly.” After all, many of our stories take 9 months to deliver and look somewhat incomplete when presented, even if we are proud parents who see them as little goddesses.
When somebody looking over one of my stories leaves critical comments on the fic Gdocs (and I try to make the Gdoc available to anybody who wants to feedback), those comments are *priceless* to improving the end product. We are but mere mortals, we forget to introduce characters we already know, we skip actions that leave the reader confused, and occasionally fail to eschew complex verbalizations when plain words work better. So if you see something, say something. I appreciate those comments ten times more than “Oh, I just loved your story, write more of them.”
Ahem. Although I really like those comments too 
The Review:
And the review is — not good. No, that’s understated. Many negative words including ‘with fire’ were used in it, some of which I can understand, some of which I agree with, and some of which I violently somewhat disagree. (I’m being nonviolent. Violence is bad)
If you would like to look at the review, it is Here.
So I turned on the clock and determined I would write a politely-worded response after giving myself 12 hours to calm down and assigning 3 hours to my rant polite, logical arguments.
*ding* Time’s up.
Things the Reviewer Liked about TTatL:
Wow, that was short. No, I’m just kidding.
One last thing before I move on. The proofreading on this was incredible. I think I noticed two missing words somewhere in one of the twenties and that was it. You and whoever you had proofread this are amazing and deserve major kudos.
R: Well, I had 6 major proofreaders and multiple minor ones, including lhmac who went through the *whole* thing in exhaustive detail, and afterwards I sent the whole thing through Grammarly (Disclaimer: I’m doing a review of their product, and so far it’s really good.) It was a massive project, and if you find those two missing words, I’ll go pop them in. Only 13 words shy of 100k words, which would be about one Short Skits and Explosions chapter (Just kidding SSnE. :)
Chap: 7 > Subtle Twilestia. Nice.
I wasn’t really going for Twilestia, but I’ll take it. The one individual Twilight worships is Princess Celestia, with an intensity that Cervantes put into Don Quixote’s pursuit of Dulcinea de Toboso. They both have an imaginary image of a real person/pony held far above reality for whom they are willing to do dangerous things to gain their respect.
Chap: 11 >The first part of this chapter is probably my favourite part of the entire story. The conversation between Spike and Green Grass feels very natural
Dude. They’re dudes in a world run by females. Plus they’ve both been subjected to Twilight’s moods, so they bond. :)
Chap: 21 >Twilight's mother is reasonably well developed. Also, the hinting at the pregnancy is excellent
Well, I just mentally added about 25 years onto Twilight Sparkle and went from there. Easy.
Chap: 28 >You weave the plot well here. The tickets in the Princess box is much more natural than a personal intervention, plus it makes more sense for them to actually intervene now that Twilight and Green Grass have actually acknowledged their relationship. Also, having Rarity produce tickets that solve a problem for Sweetie Belle is a nice tie up.
There’s an element of Celestia the Manipulator that shows up in canon. Plus Rarity is the Element of Generosity, after all.
Things the Reviewer Didn’t Like about TTatL:
I’ll try to be brief. Well, within limits. Considering that TTatL is 13 words shy of the 100k word mark, you can understand if my version of ‘brief’ is a bit long-winded.
A Quick Summary (paraphrased) before we get started: (and some Responses)
He does not like the fic. He expounds on that point quite a bit. I’m a bit underwhelmed by his arguments, given that TTatL has a Reader Retention Ratio of .74 for Chapter 1 to Chapter 2, falling to .64 at Chapter 11, and ending up at .44 at the last chapter. Now for a ponyfic the size of Niven’s Ringworld, that’s pretty darned good. Just a little under half of the people who started reading it, read it all the way to the end, and those that dropped out, half were after the first chapter. Since the average RRR on FimFiction for second chapters is .71, I’m pretty proud of my baby.
He doesn’t like politics
R: Neither do I. Somewhat inevitable when talking about Twilight and her teacher, though.
He doesn’t like footnotes : The footnotes need to die. In a fire. Painfully.(Well, so he really doesn’t like footnotes. So tempted to put a footnote here)
R: So don’t read them. Other people do like them. Live with it. They’re staying.
He doesn’t like lyrics:
R: There is not a really good way to write lyrics in a fic. I have *two* musical bits in the story, and they each play off a plot point (Sweetie’s shy horn, Luna’s counter-pranking her sister) See answer to footnotes above.
He doesn’t like Green Grass’ name
On another note, Green Grass strikes me as a completely generic and out of place name. :
R: Well, no other Mane 6 character is named after their colors, like Pinkie Pie, or Rainbow Dash. And no other major fics have this kind of name, other than the Lunaverse’s Duke Greengrass... Sigh. /sarc
He doesn’t like the characterization of Twilight, or the other M6.
Another thing I noticed was that Twilight doesn't particularly feel like Twilight.
R: Understandable. MLP:FIM is almost completely without romance, excepting the Grand Galloping Gala and Rarity’s Blueblood experience, and a potion-induced Cherrilee/Mac. What must be realized is the M6 are all female, and at least in my experience, a tightly-knit group of female friends can be *really* passive/aggressive when one of them is dating. We poor guys sometimes feel like a wolf trying to cut an elk out of a herd. The implied backstory of Green Grass going through town a year ago shows he made ‘friends’ in town, but did not romantically become involved anywhere. Luna (Princess of the Night and Various Activities Within) realizes Twilight is becoming involved with a stallion (Photo in the Foal Free Press), knows if she’s hurt, that will hurt Celestia, and pays a little visit to him in the Dreamscape to check the poor schmuck out. Just in case.
Oh, and I’ll quote from one of my comments by djthomp for the “Why should Twilight be attracted to him?” question.
He lives in a traveling library, Twilight, he lives in a traveling library.
Seriously though, they’re both neurotic book-loving ponies who have a gift for magic and like teaching. They’ll probably honeymoon at the Crystal Empire Library, Floor 5, Stack 7 and love it for the whole week.
The fic is entirely too much Tell and not enough Show, plus there’s too much internal dialogue.
R: Yes. Comedy tends to run more to Tell. (A Unicorn, a Pegasus, and an Earth Pony walked into a bar. You would have thought the last two would have seen it.) Romance much the same, plus they have a lot of internal dialogue because the main characters think a lot more than they say. That being said (or Told), it is still a bit Tell heavy.
Certain chapter comments that I had issues with
Ch. 1: Right off, you start with a weather report.
R: Right. Since the first chapter ends with a bang, I don’t want to start it with a bang. I’m Foreshadowing the fact the weather team is right outside, showing how happy he is to be returning to town, expressing his pleasure at being just exactly where he wanted to be doing just exactly what he wanted to do. Note I referenced clouds once in the second line, while the reviewer complains about the reference for six paragraphs. Sigh.
You show Green Grass whistling and carefree, but the rest of the chapter, he is anxious about visiting the library.
R: Yes, this is progression. He starts off whistling and carefree, and grows in tension as he approaches the library, notices things different than before, and enters while worrying about how the old librarian will react to the book. And gets blindsided by change.
About the very last part, using caps and extra punctuation is a very gimmicky way to convey emphasis.
R: Yes, it is. Done for two words out of 100,000, and conveys more raw terror on his behalf than if I had written a paragraph. Live with it. It also chekov’s the fact he had studied about dragons, without ever meeting one, while throwing rocks at the implicit MLP theme of “Hay, we have a nation of panic-prone herbivores, and none of them have any problem with a dragon walking around in their midst?”
Here you take an interesting detail and put in the completely wrong place. The cutie mark story is a good way to show original motivations for a character and give a reader a sense of why the character acts the way they do. It gives the reader some context and background for the character they are already familiar with.
However, the cutie mark story is a terrible way to introduce the character, because it doesn't introduce the character, it introduces the character as they were when they got their cutie mark
R: In this case, Green Grass has not changed much since he got his cutie mark. He’s still a bit of a goof, prefers the company of children to adults, slacks off when he can, and is trying to get out from under the hooves of his parents. It was the best place to put it, because it would have been *horribly* out of place in any of the next six action chapters or so, plus it establishes his reaction to unanticipated stimuli, and Foreshadows a future embarrassing moment for Greenie.
The Princess’ student broke out in giggles. “Oh, yes. She said he ‘mooned’ her. Just sat there grinning and pointing to his... Oh.”
Ch. 3:>I think you kinda scared her a mite bit with yer antics. This is the point where you're supposed to say, 'Yeah, I'll go apologize'
Back to the timing of events issue from before. Your narration is the only thing that can give readers a sense of timing. When you don't show a break in the narration, readers will assume there is no break. So here, it seems like Applejack references Green Grass scaring Twilight, and then immediately chastises him for not jumping up to apologise. Realistically, there would be a beat of silence, where Applejack would stare at Green Grass, who would look confused and completely miss the hint. Then Applejack would make the suggestion.
R: Logic: Sugarcube Corner uses a lot of product from Sweet Apple Acres, therefore it makes sense for AJ to be dropping by, particularly since SC is out of milk. AJ also *knows* Green Grass from his trip last year, is perfectly aware of his evasive character traits, and knows that GG will avoid any contact with her friend Twilight if possible. In short, Applejack has Greenie’s number, and the honest thing for him to do is go over and apologize right now. Also note that AJ, Pinkie and GG are all three earth ponies, so there should be a little friendly jabbing going on anyway.
Ch. 5: The pacing in this chapter is horrific. Twilight is about to kill him.
R: And Green Grass experiences a ‘Deer in the Headlights’ moment, which should not shift pacing. He’s not panicked until he runs, and then the pacing picks up where the POV switches back to him.
CO2 sublimates
R: Yes, and when you CO2 fire extinguisher a person or animal, their hairs all get frosted. It’s really kind of pretty, but dangerous. (Don’t ask me how I know. I’m not sure the statute of limitations has run out yet.)
Also, a teacher's meeting in the bar? With the superintendent and everything? Really?
R: Yes, really. Happened all the time back in my small home town. (Graduating class of 18) Hey, the bar had air conditioning, and a large back room. Yes, for all intents and purposes, I grew up in a humanized Ponyville, only with wheat instead of apples.
Ch. 6: Ok, even if she somehow ended up in his wagon, Twilight would never fall asleep there.
R: She’s been running at least one evening without sleep. Plus Twilight’s To Do list, chapter 5 : 6) Read self to sleep
Ch.33: Why do you choose to make the grade the first time Green Grass really sticks up for himself? I understand the desire to show growth, but the grade is a particularly random point to do so.
R: If not here, where? You should note he’s tried to stick up before, with wanting to apologize to Twilight with just a note, with his parents and their choice in his spouses, with breaking things off with Twilight, with Princess Celestia about the Running of the Leaves, and each time he’s been steamrolled. (Note each of those is actually an evasion, not a stick-up)
Ch. 34: This chapter has nothing to do with the rest of the story.
R: Au contraire. It closes the “Prince-Consort Green Grass” arc and shows how the alicorns all stick together and love each other, while pointing out just what Shining Armor has gotten himself into, and Green Grass is getting himself into. Just because the main characters don’t show up in it, doesn’t mean it is not important to them.
Ch. 36: The ending doesn't have any coherent emotion. It feels just kind of neutral and falls pretty flat. There's not really a sense of loss from the two separating, but not a coherent sense of hope for the future. I think you tried to incorporate too many other characters rather than focusing on the two that matter and crafting an ending around them.
R: Because it’s not an ending per se. It’s a Train Station Goodbye (somewhat subverted) that draws an end to their day-to-day life together and starts a new phase in their relationship. They really don’t both have careers that lend themselves to shacking up together or getting married. This is also known as a Sequel Hook (of which there are two in the draft box, one of which is half done)
Ch. 37: This doesn't add much. It's pretty clear that it was a knee-jerk reaction to the season finale.
R: Yes, but the last chapter was posted Feb 6, and the season finale was Feb 13, so to ignore the changes it would make in the story would have been foolish.
And now for my whining
The following comments are just Georg whining. Feel free to ignore.
Three months from submission to /fic/ to a finished review? I *wrote* it in 2 months, 6 days.
Sigh.
Comedy is one of the most difficult things to write. A certain percentage of jokes will fall flat with anybody who reads it, which is why it is important in comedy to keep the pace of funny events rolling. Now mix that with serious romance and you get something that is insane to write. And that’s what I did in just a tich over 2 months and 100k words.
Yeah, I’m proud of this baby. I birthed it, burped it, changed it, and sent it to college. Could it be improved? Yep, you betcha. I’ll most probably make a few changes over the next few months, but if I made the changes suggested, would it be improved? Maybe.
But when I pushed Publish on that last chapter, that was a Moment I’m going to treasure for the rest of my life. And I hope it has brought a few laughs and some happy tears to all of you.
Georg (checks clock) Three hours and ten minutes. I overshot my estimate. Oh well.
-End- (To be continued in The Traveling Tutor and the Diplomat’s Daughter - Rated G)
Ouch, that sounds rather harsh, this is one of my favourite stories. I don't visit it but I guess Equestria Daily must have very, very high standards or you happened to get an unsuitable reviewer. Please don't let it get you down, just dust yourself off, I'm really looking forward to the diplomats daughter.
1120672 Actually this wasn't the EqD reviewer, but one from the /fic/ channel. I'm hoping EqD takes less than 3 months to review my... um... rather large story. You know, if it really *was* a baby, I'd still be in bed with morphine....
I'm famous!
Here's hoping the eventual EQD review is a bit more positive.
I didn't know about this review service, and having seen the hatchet job they did to one of my favorite stories, I see no reason to bother with it.
Also, "chekhov" is a verb now. "Foreshadow" too mainstream?
Yeesh. Half of this reviewer's points are just personal preference, and half of the rest is forgetting that stuff like 'Show, don't tell' are rules of thumb, not rigid edicts, and it's okay to break them if you have agood reason.
Very collected and well-thought out response to what I would call an unfairly critical review of TTatL. Rather than just trashing it as a personal affront like many would as a knee jerk reaction, you took the time to cool off after you read through and found the points you agreed and disagreed with. I give you kudos man, you handled that better than most would! I can only hope that if I'm ever in your horseshoes, I can handle it as well as you did!
And I'm definitely looking forward to reading Diplomat's Daughter! TTatL was an excellent story (even with it's shortcomings), and if the sequel is even half as good, it'll be getting a gold star and an upvote from me for sure!
1120796 Heh. You're right. Chekhov's Gun trope is generally for an *item*, not an experience or thought. Foreshadowing is the correct term. The library book is more the Chekhov, while 'Don Ricconte' is more of a sub-plot.
This reviewer, pardon my language, was a complete and total ass, and should be called a reviewer in the loosest sense of the word available. Off-hand, I'd say the moron just really really dislikes comedy and romance. And instead of saying he does not like those genres, he just bashes your story all to hell and is convinced he is in the right.
This is why I do not use "professional" services like that. More often than not, you get some reviewer that does not like the genre you are writing about, and then they proceed to grind your fic into dust instead of finding a reviewer who might be more interested.
Anyway, at least you handled it well. I would have had a few more choice words for the punk (not all of them pleasant, either), and I'm glad your defending yourself and preparing to continue with the sequel(s).
The job of a writer is to create a story his readers will enjoy. Different readers have different tastes so some are not going to like your story. Those are the ones who drop out after a chapter or two.
Some of your stories are in genres that I would not normally touch with a ten foot pole, but because I love this story and some of your others I have read, and enjoyed, them because you are good at your craft.
In the real world the true value and review of your work is sales, not what some literature professor might think of your work. Literature professors, tend to disagree with this point.
One of the fantastic things about FImfiction is that it supplies a sounding board that allows you to easily interact with your readers.
It can be a bit of a bubble however. You likely get few honest comments from people who disliked the story as to why they felt that way. They simply ignore it.
The really nasty stuff comes in sequels, when they think you've gone and screwed up the characters they've come to love. ^_^
Just look at some of the venom that was spewed toward the source material in season three by some fans who got hooked during season one and had over the top expectations for the following seasons.
Ah, don't we all know what that's like. *shrug*
As much as I'd love to get my writing reviewed like that ... actually, I wouldn't. I find the best way to get a proper gauge on how to fix things, what to put in or take out or keep or extend or reduce is to have a back-and-forth between a proofreader and a writer. That is how one finds a compromise in order to make a story better.
Also, you'd think that you wouldn't review it if you hated it. I like my reviews to come from a place of 'I like this and want it to improve', not a 'no matter what you do to make it perfect, I'm still going to hate this.'
And I'm flattered at my name drop. I had fun going through it.
And for the record, I'm still not completely sold on the footnotes. Lol.
1121633 Well, some of them are a little excessive[1]
1121535 Close. The 'job' of a Fic writer is to create a story *they* like and enjoy, and then share it with the community. I'm not getting paid for this, I'm doin' it for the fun.
(Fun! Fun!)
1121395 *rolls up newspaper*
*gently bops commenter across the nose*
Remember, not only was the reviewer a volunteer, but I asked him to review my story, and despite his distaste for it, he did manage to get through it and write a well-detailed review. So I'm thankful, even though I disagree (a lot) with some of his conclusions (including parenthetical expressions and music), and others have made me think about improvements.
Such as changing the very beginning and have GG whistling "Song of the Open Road" on the way into town.
♫ Let me live, and never worry about tomorrow,
Why ever worry about tomorrow?
For tomorrow's another daaayyy!♫
(1) Like this one.
This is true, but it still does not stop me from really really disliking him.
Well, those who can, write. Those who can't, and I include myself in this, review.
Maybe I'm just crazy though, since I'm in the fandom for fun instead of highbrow literary analysis. Kudos to you for coming up with a calm reply, though!