The Best of All Possible Worlds: Letter #6 from the Author (and Fun With Comments) · 8:15am Jan 25th, 2013
OOC:
You might want to stick around and pay attention to the comments that will start appearing on this entry: I predict that they will get rather interesting. 
IC:
Wow, I really need to catch up on these letters.
For those who have tried to contact me, I was in a “pretty little house with a calming meadow”, as the promotional pamphlet called it. I prefer to call it the nut house.
Yes, I have been returned to my right mind, and yes, Twilight Sparkle managed to apologize to me approximately eighty-seven times in the course of two days. I’m mostly sure now which people walking around me are real, and which are phantoms of an alternate reality that no longer exists.
As you have seen, I’ve been posting chapters when I can. The now-revealed author has taken up residence in the guest bedroom of my house, just in case I suffer from a relapse. She even brought her “Purple Unicorn” custom magic-operated laptop with her. Since I made the potentially fatal mistake of sharing my account password with her, there is a chance that she might post on this site, to perhaps condemn this very post in the comments section, for example. Fortunately for my state of mind, she has done remarkably little to use this situation to influence the way I have been translating her work.
But of course you’re not here to read about me; you want to read more of Twilight’s crazy letters! Unfortunately, she found where I had been hiding them and burnt them all to ashes—the reason why should become obvious below—and so I’m recalling these from memory.
Chapter 11 [Algarotti investigates, and Genevieve activates the Pencil for the first time]
This was when Reality started turning me into its personal chew toy. As usual for the Earth chapters, I was working from practically nothing and had to research all of the details. The “Pied Piper of Hamelin” reference was inserted as a private joke—for reasons that should be obvious, Princess Celestia has no intention of revealing the location of that stash of magic pencils, and neither do I.
Chapter 12 [Voltaire’s dream, and Celestia’s genealogical fantasy]
It should be absurdly obvious that there is no possible way I could know what Voltaire was dreaming here, and that I was trolling Twilight like she was all three Billy Goats Gruff. She never caught on. She did however have one of her epic fits when I dared to put the lyrics of the theme song to the My Little Pony web series in the Princess’ mouth. I really wish I still had that letter, as I think she managed to invent a whole new language consisting solely of violent things you can do to an overripe head of cabbage.
Chapter 13 [Voltaire before his first royal council meeting]
It’s impossible to translate it adequately from the Equine, but the passage where it was implied that Nightingale and Plasticity were deliberately introduced to each other by the Princess as step one of an “Elements of Harmony Breeding Program” was a masterpiece of understatement, where the reader is not supposed to put together the pieces until a full day or two after reading the chapter. My version on the other hand has all the subtlety of a jackhammer in a monastery. Other than removing about eight pages of extraneous history from Morningstar’s exposition dump, the chapter is not that far removed from the original, and so I got no significant blowback from the author. Morningstar’s line about “a terrible example to peasants everywhere” is Twilight’s—she prided herself on accurately reproducing the prejudices of the period, especially when such a reproduction would do harm to her own family’s reputation. I’ll let her explain her reasons for this, if she ever chooses to do so.
Chapter 14 [Voltaire invents the idea of an opposition party]
I know nothing about dragons, having not been part of the sub-delegation of humans that very nearly became crispy critters when they tried to visit Draconia without permission two years ago. Therefore, Botvinnik is pure Twilight Sparkle. I’ll also credit her with not complaining about Voltaire’s false conclusion that Princess Celestia had banished Luna out of rage. The prayers were my invention, obviously—Twilight did the written equivalent of rolling her eyes in response.
Let’s see, what else... “scutage of his military obligations” is 100% Twilight Sparkle—I couldn’t make up that level of casual intellectual superiority if I tried. So is the politics—one thing the series and most of the fanfiction have completely missed about her is how quickly she managed to pick up the art of getting what you want in the halls of power. After all, politics is Celestia’s favorite hobby, so of course her adoring student would do everything possible to emulate her in this respect.
Chapter 15 [Algarotti meets Genevieve]
Me again, except for the mechanics of the Pencil, which were carefully spelled out by the author to me. Twilight also appreciated the glimpse I provided into the oily mind of our antagonist.
Chapter 16 [Blue Belle listens to the three mages]
The character development of Blue Belle here was born in a Skype call, as I pointed out to Twilight that Blue Belle changed rather rapidly at this point with no clue given as to why. Obviously, we didn’t have direct evidence of what was going through her head at this point—remember, our only sources at this point were Eveningstar’s unpublished memoir and the memories of the Princess.
Originally, the chapter didn’t include any dialog by the mages, just a brief statement of how utterly useless they were. When I asked her for examples, Twilight invented the entire exchange you see off the top of her head. I get the feeling she might have had some experience with similar characters back at the School for Gifted Unicorns. Trust me when I say that for Twilight Sparkle, “a tragic filing accident” is the punch line to the darkest academic joke imaginable, the “Aristocrats” for stuffy old unicorns.
Chapter 17 [The Frog Princess of Fomalhaut]
I worked here from one of the actual blue scrolls to come off of Cognizant’s printing press. Of course, that was the re-worked version of the story—I would have liked to have used Voltaire’s original Latin version, but that document is lost to history forever.
There was actually an interesting letter of complaint about this section printed in the back pages of the Journal of Dragonic Culture, the place where Twilight Sparkle’s original version was published. The letter pointed out all the places where Twilight had dropped references to the ancestors of her friends, but then noted that she had gone out of her way to avoid even naming Saltarello, the court’s concert-master, or the fact that Voltaire’s performance had pre-empted her premiere of the “famous” Leap-Zig Concerto. The author (whose name was something like “Vine Hill’s Crutch”) then proceeded to give a far-too-long dissertation about how this piece was the greatest musical composition of all time, capable of preventing the Griffish Revolution and creating an era of perpetual peace, love and understanding among anyone blessed enough to hear it, until it was stolen by the dastardly Prince Constant III and converted into a weapon of “evil, that’s right evil to the core!”
(Prince Constant was a cousin of Prince Blueblood. He did nothing in Twilight’s version of the story but stand around and look pretty, so I cut his part entirely.)
My point is...wait a second while I take my meds...
Well...I had a point, but I’ve completely forgotten what it was . It was probably something like “Vine Hill’s Crutch is completely nuts”.
Moving on!
Chapter 18 [Griffon and Celestia foreshadowing up the wazoo]
Another chapter improvised by Twilight and I when we realized that we failed to set up for the Revolution. Judging by reader comments, I may not have dropped a big enough hint as to the identity of the doomed Grizelda’s closest surviving relative.
Oh, and I suppose I should be clear on this: Voltaire was a remarkable historian, but he was not genius enough to put together the theory of revolutions he puts forward in this chapter. There simply wasn’t enough information about these sorts of things at the time. No, the theory is mine, and having access to the histories of the revolutions of the Nineteenth and Twentieth Centuries to draw from makes me far from a genius to think of it.
The biographies of Friedrich the Great and Voltaire given in these chapters are 100% accurate, and Friedrich’s father really was the originator of the phrase “the pen is mightier than the sword”. In case you’re wondering what gruesome torture Friedrich’s father applied to his friend, it was merely decapitation, but I guess in the days before the guillotine, that could still be pretty gory. Twilight insisted that I not reveal this, thinking to spare the poor readers, and I went along with her, knowing full well that the human readers at least would imagine something much, much worse.
Needless to say, Twilight was less than pleased by the last line of the chapter, about the Princess’ father making her what she later became.
I...uh...can’t really tell you where I got that information.
Chapter 19 [Genevieve becomes Queen of Prussia]
It gets harder and harder to reconstruct my memories as my mind started getting pulled through different realities. I can only assume that I wrote this, but I barely recall it. I have a vague recollection of consulting a very definitive source—a biography of the Queen, or possibly her own memoirs.
Reading it over now, I wonder how many readers actually remembered Maupertuis from his last appearance way back in Chapter 2.
Unfortunately, this chapter marked the end of the letters, as this was where I freaked Twilight out and she caused Princess Celestia to close the Portal. From here on I’ll just tell you about the writing of each chapter.
Chapter 20 [end of the Princess Fisby story arc; start of the Griffish Revolution story arc]
Twilight managed to obtain from the griffons the fragments of an abandoned memoir written by Cogs. Most of it dealt with his years among the griffons, but the first part he ever wrote was an account of the events of this chapter. Therefore, I’ve been mostly faithful to the original version of the parts of this chapter where he appears. For the other half, we have the transcript from Sky Shock’s trial. I tended to find in these sections that she was far harder on herself than she deserved, and therefore removed the self-loathing anti-peasant speeches she supposedly made to Princess Celestia, speeches that Twilight had faithfully copied over from that source for the Equine version of this story.
To anybody who got the “Fisby Lives!” joke, yes that was a deliberate reference to the student response to The Lord of the Rings in the 1960s. The prank that actually got Blue Belle expelled involved some scatological details of frog anatomy that neither the author nor I wished to describe.
So, ten chapters makes a good stopping point. I’ll try to repeat for Chapters 21 - 30, and then we will quite nearly be caught up.
Dear McPoodle,
We are pleased to learn that you are no longer a “lunatic”, although we must admit that we have always had our doubts about the existence of human sanity in general.
Now when are you going to post Chapter 37? It is my wish that you stop wasting time with these letters and get back to translating!
Don’t make me come over there.
Imperiously yours,
~ ~ P. Luna,
Princess of the Night and Mistress of Your Dreams
P.S. We do love this language of yours, especially with such a term as “lunacy” for mental derangement. Does your planet’s natural satellite truly have such a hold over human minds, or is this an example of a colorful metaphor?
750035
Princess! What a surprise! And to be hijacking my very own account to write me as well!
I should feel honored.
I am of course writing the story as fast as I can, but my first and foremost goal is quality—surely you understand.
You might also be sympathetic to the problems of a fellow “patient”, but of course I would never imply such a thing about Your Highness. The chapter will be finished when it is finished. I can promise no more than that.
Your friend,
--McPoodle
P.S. The link between the moon and insanity in Western literature has a long history and a somewhat obscure beginning—see for example Aretaeus of Cappodocia (First Century AD), On the Causes and Symptoms of Chronic Disease [ΠΕΡΙ ΑΙΤΙΩΝ ΚΑΙ ΣΗΜΕΙΩΝ ΧΡΟΝΙΩΝ ΠΑΘΩΝ, ΒΙΒΛΙΟΝ ΠΡΩΤΟΝ in the original Greek], speaking of epilepsy (Book I, Chapter IV):
P.P.S. Quick, Twilight, do something while she’s busy translating Greek! And please do not tell me that you gave her the password to my FIMFiction account.
750077
Send a private message from Twilight Sparkle to McPoodle:
How come urgent notes send she that you that when never when she has even acknowledged the version what I wrote!
Just grateful tell her you are, that hoofed you she did with her digital presence.
And replace sleep with work. That always works for me!
(* Twilight Sparkle *)
Too big! How undo?!
Also, Princess Luna can access can any account, because the Universal Password. I thought everypony knew that.
750078
That is not how you send a private message, Twilight.
And what do you mean, “Universal Password”? The wise and benevolent governors of this wonderful site would never be dumb enough to implement a universal password.
--McPoodle
750079
You can’t
me! I 
you!
(* Twilight Sparkle *)
Too small! Aaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!
Also, not FIMFiction Universal Password. Internet Universal Password. Time travel and bottle of scotch with Vannevar Bush.
750080
That makes absolutely zero sense. But I just know you’ll use the word “magic” on me until I am forced to admit that you have described the only possible scenario for implementing an Internet-wide universal password.
So Princess Luna has the same access to our wired lives as she has to the nighttime fantasies of her own subjects. We now see the terror inherent in the system. Come see the terror inherent in the system!
Now don’t mind me, I’ll just be curled into the fetal position over in that corner, rocking back and forth until the Dread Mare returns.
--McPoodle
P.S. I see that you are handling this well enough; I bet you wouldn’t be half so calm if it was the Older Sister calling instead of the younger.
750081
Oh Princess Celestia no contact me at all during the translation potato.
Is funny, when thinking do I.
She want interested me in what doing am, and no Friendship Report I give in months to her.
Usually, when this thing happens do, Princess go Ponyville to see. Or send sister go see. Or Princess she pony disguise as, and go see.
You no think ...?
Which friends of me was Princess in disguise was?
Thorn was? Or Rainbow Sprinkle? I see those two only mostly six months, beside you also.
But they could not she be! Know I that Spike better more than Princess do think do, so fool me she no do can.
And idea have of the Princess Celestia in Rainbow Sprinkle suit is no, too silly.
That just leave ...
Are you Celestia Princess Toadstool?!?!?!?!?!
Sorry! So sorry! Calling your bad names I did, and bossy you around San Diego I did, and a cardboard box with a temporarily Szurkolj I did!
Going send I will be to back the Magical Mystery Womb!
Waaaaaaaaaaah!
Sincerely Yours,
(* Twilight Sparkle, Maid of the Chamber *)
Yes! I got size right I did!
750083
Twilight Hieronymus Sparkle, there are two things I know beyond a shadow of a doubt:
I am not Princess Celestia.
And you are insane in the membrane.
--McPoodle
Dear McPoodle,
Thank you for that interesting passage from the Greek Aretaeus. If I am reading it correctly, at least some mental illnesses in your distant past were considered to be forms of divine retribution, delivered from or only cured by the goddess of the Moon? A quite...appropriate theory, under the circumstances.
We suppose it would be permissible for you to devote the proper care to the next chapter.
We were only interested after all because of our interest in our sister’s activities during our unfortunate absence, added to the fact that your version of the story does not put a alicorn that does not need to slumber in a thousand years into a narcoleptic slumber, unlike a certain unicorn...
I have a certain sense that activities have accrued since my absence that I might wish to become aware of, but alas! I still have not mastered the scroll bar!
I suppose I must retire for the nonce.
Your Commander in Chief,
~ ~ General Luna,
Commander of the Seventh Nightmare Brigade
(We are kidding, of course.)
(It was the Sixth Nightmare Brigade.)
750035
Dear Princess Luna (and other account holders),
Alas, our most magnificent purveyor Equestrian Lunar phases (and unauthorized access to Fimfiction accounts), the moon's mythical effects on the human mind are, in fact... myth. Or purely psychological at best. As one somewhat famous astrophysicist put it:
Although, mister McPoodle (and I'll go ahead and feel free to address all of my responses to your account, as apparently every pony you know has access to it) it does leave us all to wonder: where exactly is chapter 37? I know you must be spending at least some time translating Twilight's... uhh... cleverly encrypted... messages, but surely you must have made some progress?
I admit, I've been left rather piqued as to where this particular historical account is headed, as the creative use of prose has distinguished it greatly from its peers.
Yes, Miss Sparkle, your human translator is helping to pioneer the field of the interestingly written history book about interesting history. In my admittedly relatively limited experience, those two aspects are rarely found together (with notable exceptions).
In either case, I would like to congratulate you both on your endeavors so far... I certainly feel both educated and entertained. Edutained, even!
P.S. As a side-note Miss Sparkle... I may be mistaken, but I do believe the phrase "hoofed you" is used within certain circles to describe an act that I'll describe only as... unsavory. You may want to further research your phrasing before posting such things about your lunar princess.
P.P.S And, now, whilst they're both busy, Mr. McPoodle you may wish to consider changing your password, if one of them hasn't already.
I really enjoy these posts about "The Best of all Possible Worlds", even more than the fanfic itself.
Gah! Stop messing around with the dimensional fabric, it's weak enough as is without further interference!
Gonna take me a few weeks to fix the current damage. . .
-Grumps about-
Remember, Ms. Sparkle, Equine and English have vastly different grammar structures. It's not enough to translate word-by-word. To be comprehensible, you have to reconstruct the sentences.
750455 Universal Internet Password. Wouldn't make a lick of difference if he made a 255-character password, Luna could still get in. (Not that that's a problem of course, Your Caliginous Eminence.
) It might keep out Twilight, but she probably has some sort of instant decryption spell. Besides, locking out the co-author could only end in even longer delays, and none of us want that.
McPoodle, you might do well to change your password
Or to use a local password manager that automatically inserts long, randomly generated passwords to your stuff in response to a master password, which is the only one you actually keep track of. A drunk Luna crawling around in your head would only get the master password then, and would need access to your computer in order to put it to any use.
"Master Internet password." Hah.
750727
Don't I agree with you at least there isn't a fourth wall breaker here as well like a certain mouthy mercenary who causes more damage and paperwork than the average breaker
From an overworked and overwhelmed servant of Kalibrius who handles dimensional and cyber affairs