Good pre-reader, bad pre-reader · 10:46pm Jan 2nd, 2013
This is GhostOfHeraclitus' account of me and him doing a joint pre-reading. Not exactly how I remember it, but sometimes I forget things. Occupational hazard.
GOH: So, Mr. Author, mind if I call you author?
A: No, uh, not at all. Why...uh...why is he looking at me like that?
BH: *glare*
GOH: Pay him no mind, Author, no mind at all. That's how he normally looks. Do you want anything? A soda? Coffee? Tea? I do a lovely tea.
A: Um...coffee, would be fine.
GOH: Okay. Why don't you tell us about your story, in your own words?
A: Well, um, in it, uh, Twilight gets, wings, y'see, and she meets this Alicorn OC, that...
GOH: Mhm. Yes. And what would be the name of this Alicorn OC, then?
A: Darkeye Ravenwing, The Umbral King.
GOH: Ah...um...right...how do you spell...no...damn *scribble scribble* oh would you look at that, all the ink's gone from my pen, as the vicars said to the actress. Look, I'll just go and get another biro, then, shall I? And see where's that coffee gone to, then.Doors open, doors close.
A: Is he British?
BH: No, but he plays one on the Internet. So. Darkeye.
A: Yeah, he's the last Umbral King and he's dark and torm--
BH: That sound like a pony name to you?
A: What?
BH: Darkeye. Sound like a pony name?
A: Well, I...
BH: And an Alicorn OC, I mean damn, do you know what they do to Alicorn OC writers in the big house? Gotta hand it to you, kid, you got guts. Well you still got 'em, in any case.
A: The big house, who said anything...
BH: Oh. Nopony. Nopony. Forget about it. You ain't gonna make it to the big house, with this Umbral King business, it wouldn't surprise me if you didn't, you know, trip down some stairs. And it would not surprise me at all if you went back to the top to have a few more goes at it. People go all funny about the county lockup stairs, in my experience.
A: B-but-- you wrote an Alicorn OC. I--I read--
BH: DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT WHAT YOU READ?
A: I--
BH: DO I? DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A DAMN, PUNK?
A:...no.
BH: Damn right. Now let's see here...I see they both listen to My Chemical Romance, says here.
A: 's my favorite band...
BH: And ponies got access to it, how precisely?
A: I...uh....
BH: This Umbral King, has some traits I'd expect from you. He's not a self insert is he, now?
A: Nn-no.
BH: Really? Maybe I should go and get me a PHONEBOOK and then we can...Doors open. Doors close.
GOH: Coffee's up! Oh and Bad, mate, there's a phone call for you. Something about the PPP file?
BH: Damn. I have to take this. Don't let the little slime out of your sight. I ain't done with him.Doors open. Doors close.
A: He...he's mean.
GOH: Spirited, certainly. Is the coffee okay? Do you want milk? Sugar?
A: No. No. It's fine. Look, what happens if I want an EqD pre-reader?
GOH: Then we get you an EqD pre-reader, no problem. Constitutional right and so on. No problem. Got me a whole pocketful of EqD readers out there. Just say the word and it's done. But...
A: But?
GOH: You say that word, mate, and there ain't a blessed thing I can do for you. I charge with for Plot Murder One and that's it. You know those EqD bastards'll do you up with three strikes before you can get a word in edgewise. Nopony will ever hear your story. How it really all went down. But you can tell me. Here and now. While you still have the chance.
Is this effective? Are you ushering in a new era of help with other's fics?
Such brilliance. Why didn't I think of that?
You're a terrible person. I knew there was a reason I liked you
That sounds about right to me.
Fantastic!
...but seriously, BH, you've got the right idea; self-insert alicorn OC is the fastest path to the greased rail on the back stairs.
That's exactly how I always pictured it in my head.
Bad Cop and Badder Cop?
I would just like to point out, that while this was, ah, inspired by our joint work with PrettyPartyPony, she's nothing like our perp there, who I'm softening up for a confession of self-insert alicorndom. PrettyPartyPony is as far as you can get from stereotypical shoddy fanfic, especially since it:
a) Isn't stereotypical.
b) Is absolutely brilliant.
c) No seriously, it's wonderful stuff.
And this is not just me being Good Cop, either. You'd get roughly the same assessment from Bad Horse, it's just that occasionally you have to extract praise from that man with an winch.
Also, you people have NO IDEA how difficult it is for me not to write a self-insert piece of utterly iressponsible metafic titled Good Cop/Bad Horse. Seriously. No idea.
...One is a grizzled whisky-soaked veteran of the Crimes Against Characters unit, the other, a by-the-book transfer from the Canon Fraud department. Together, they fight bad fanfic, one grumpy gDocs comment at a time.
673187
Which one's which, now, that's the question.
Damn, that was hilarious BH.
673277 673167 It is hilarious! But I didn't write it. GhostOfHeraclitus did.
I...I...I...I need a review, for the Orient Express? But you don't want it until the story is complete, so there's definitely no rush. No rush at all. Better yet, forget the whole thing. Forget I mentioned it. It's nothing, don't mind me. I'll just be going now...
I can't help but mentally read "Author's" lines in the Wanderer D "Obnoxious Writer" voice.
673167>>673277>>673347
I did, and, yes, I can see the typos. Rest assured, they are tormenting me even as I type this.
673353
BH: Freeze! Put your hooves on the back of your neck. No I don't CARE that that's anatomically unlikely just DO IT. Now on your knees. ON YOUR KNEES. Right, Ghost, Book 'im.
GoH: You do not have to say any--
BH: YOU AREN'T BRITISH!
GoH: I'm not American, either.
BH: Yes, but everyone knows the Miranda warning. Now do it.
GoH: You don't actually get that until you are interrogated, you know.
BH: Oh, are we shooting at--DON'T YOU MOVE A MUSCLE MISTER--realism now? We should act just like the real fanfic police does?
GoH: I just think--no honestly, sir, better not move, he'll have your arm off as soon as look at you--I just think some verisimilitude--
BH: Oh, Celestia on a pogo-stick, do I have to do it?
GoH: Fine. Ahem. You have the right to write no stories. If you do write any stories anything that you write can be used against you in the court of writers. You have a right to pre-reader. If you cannot find a pre-reader, EqD will appoint one for you. Do you understand your rights as I have read them to you, sir?
BH: Well, do you, punk?
JMac: I just wanted a review!
GoH: Sorry sir, I'm going to need a yes or no on that one.
JMac: ...what happens if I don't say either?
GoH: I honestly don't know, sir, because every time--
BH: I BEAT THE STUPID OUT OF YOU!
GoH: --my charming partner says something like that. So, do you understand the rights as I have read them to you?
JMac: Yes! Yes! Just keep him back.
GoH: Wise choice, sir. Would you care to accompany us to the station?
JMac: Do I have a choice in the matter?
GoH: Oh, absolutely, sir.
JMac: Really?
GoH: Certainly. We can also drag you.
JMac: Oh.
Hill.
Larry.
Us.
673347
That is why GOH is best pone.
673549
Now people are staring at my corpse wondering what was so damn funny.
Well, thanks a lot. I died laughing.
673549 But you all see that GOH is the mad one, right?
*sporfle*
673192
write that, WRITE IT NOW!
674110
I got Skywriter to sporfle! I don't know what sporfle is, but it's certainly a reaction, and I give it even odds that it is a good one.
674213
To paraphrase Gandalf: "Do not tempt me, Stringtheory. I dare not write it. Not even to make you laugh. Understand, Stringtheory, I would write the fic from a desire to do good, but through me it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.
Also, the mods and my sundry pre-readers would set me on fire. There's also that to consider. Of course, considering that does put the kibosh on my 'selfless rejection of temptation' pose I outlined above, but there you go.
673840
Shhh! Don't tell them now. That would spoil the surprise.
673640
Newbie: *hork* Oh, Celestia, that grin...that grin!
BH: Step back, Newbie. Jeez. Kids these days, eh Ghost?
GoH: It is pretty gruesome, but not without a certain poetry to it.
BH: Poetry? Some fanficcer got hold of some uncut stuff...mmhmm...yup, pure comedy. Got hold of the uncut stuff and laughed himself dead. What's poetic about that?
GoH: Did you just lick the page?
BH: Testing the merchandise.
GoH: And what was the merchandise like?
BH: Inky, with a certain papery component to it. You are dodging my question. Why poetry?
GoH: Look at the fic. The in-jokes, the witticisms. This isn't some kid we bust on Reckless Audience Endangerment or, if it is his lucky night, Readerslaughter. This is prime stuff. Written like this on purpose.
BH: What are you saying?
GoH: Not an accident. Murder.
BH: With a fic? Nopony can judge audience response that well.
GoH: It's happened before.
BH: He's stopped. Likely dead. You are shying at flies, Ghost. Do you have any proof?
GoH: 'Shying at flies'. A very Equestrian metaphor.
BH: Dodging the question again.
GoH: I've no proof. I do have a hunch.
BH: A hunch? Well that and two bits will get you a cupcake at Sugarcube Corner.
GoH: I hope you are right, Bad. I really do.
674562
I have some interesting news for you....
Hmmm. That makes me wonder. How many people here think I'm a girl?
Do eet. Dooooo eeeeeeeeeet.
674716
Haaaa. I'll fix it. Sorry.
In my defense, I don't think you are a girl. I don't know your gender (well, actually, now I know) and I've made efforts in the past to stop myself using 'him/his/&c' as gender-neutral pronouns (because they aren't). This is the fallout.
674562 STOP WRITING WELL SO QUICKLY!
674736
) As far as I was aware, (and, it should be said, I am no expert) though, male pronouns are what are used when the gender is unknown in English. Because heaven forbid English actually has a gender neutral pronoun like everybody else. 
I have many gripes about my native tongue. Many. 
And that's not even getting into the fact I live in Midwestern USA and the language butchery that occurs there.
Don't worry about it. It's far better than when I mistook Skywriter for Blueshift. (One of the very few things I have done that has actually caused me to feel shame.
673192
I downvoted your comment.
675384
Your story is still good. Downvoting won't change that, and it won't stop me from saying it.
You could threaten me with an axe, though. That'd likely shut me right up.
674949
No, you are right, this is the accepted practice, I just try to buck it as a way of curing myself of subconscious discriminative tendencies. The plan was to always use a random pronoun where gender is unknown, mostly because the alternative solutions (which introduce bizarre new pronouns) make my flesh creep. Obviously, it doesn't work that well.
Oh, and sorry again. I'm, well, I'm positively mortified.
675536
It's no biggie.
Don't feel bad!
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4548-applejack_jimmies_aint_rustled.jpg
See, Applejack says it's okay!