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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Your -> You're. Even if she was going to say, "Your shoulder", since she abandoned that line of thought, the your should be you're to show that she's stammering/in shock.
Other typos evaded me. I don't have a good perception check unless I'm actively searching for them. I only get to take 5 for passive checks, you see.
Unexpected combat is unexpected! Poor Tabitha was unaware the Trolls need to be hit with fire or acid if she wants them gone. She'll learn, though, I'm sure.
So he or she, what's the decision?
Insert 'for you' here & it makes better sense, maybe?
Spring may claim to be friends but she seems to have a hidden agenda?
7494195 Fixed!
7494194 Or sunlight as in 'The Hobbit'.
7494194 Fixed! With another typo zotted nearby.
That was a rooms he - That was a room she
softly dinged - dinged softly
on me to be - on me for you to be
the offer. The pain - the offer... the pain
She gentle felt - She gently felt
herself and that elf - herself and the elf
*****
Excellent action chapter!
The adventure continues, and I see that Spring is making full use of Tabitha's invitation and is wise enough to not provoke her into rescinding it. All the better for emergency heals and for clever authors to taunt their readers with things almost said, but interrupted before they can be given voice. I'm going to imagine you cackling in glee, deep in your writer's lair, Mr. Silver.
I think that Spring did give Tabitha a bit of a strength boost, after all. I can't imagine that even with luck she would have been able to disarm a troll without a little extra oomph to her swing.
Tabitha needs a baseball bat upgrade.
One that works on Elves And Trolls etc.
Am I a bad person for wanting to put a magihydrodynamic accelerator into it?
7494307 How would that work?
All the more reason she needs to get more ponies into her apartments! Not two days and already the repulsion is fading, Tabitha needs defensive (and offensive) training...
Keep going! ;)
7494338
Could be worse, I could have gone for a baseball bat that was empowered like the apartment building itself, given its part of the Caretaker, and call it a Crazy Gun.
Magihydrodynamic is the Equestrian version of the Clarke Magnetohydrodynamic cannon. Take a Slide Bat, and either put an Eye, or Iris or other magical design on the end, then when activated it takes a part of the metal, liquifies it internally, then uses a sub reality linked magical acceleration field to fir the metal out the end at whatever velocity required. Of course, for certain types of Fae, a nice bit of meteoritic iron would likely do wonders. Especially in shotgun spread pattern mode.
If the iris/eye remains closed, then the slug hits the inside of the end of th bat, giving a most intresting kinetic impact. Excessive momentum application is always fun against overpowered enemies.
7494264 Typos seen to, but is 'that' really a typo? You seem to dislike its use in that fashion.
I liked that chapter, action and all, even if I always get nervous about action...
What did you think of Coco?
The pronoun 'that', when used in a phrase such as 'that elf' conveys the sense that you are distinguishing one elf from another, but there is only one elf here. However, you can use it in a clause such as 'that <adjective> elf' and that's perfectly ok.
There are other places in this chapter where 'that' felt appropriate and in that case I left it alone.
Coco felt perfectly in character. Though I do hope that Tabitha aired out her apartment before she went to bed.
But if you feel that I'm being too picky on that particular point, let me know and I will stop. After all, we're here to have fun and enjoy the story not be grammar police.
7494417 If I don't ask, I don't learn.
7494424
OK then, I just worry that I'm being overbearing at times. You're doing something amazing and it's fun to be able to interact in some small way.
And the typos are tasty.
7494433 Please, do continue! I also love your input. Feedback is part of what fuels me.
7494433
That feel when criticize but unsure if is too much criticism.
That is a feel I understand.
Only I rarely feel it for grammatical corrections, and feel it acutely whe criticizing themes or characters.
Another great chapter, But I do have a question. Some of creatures living in the building come a pay for the room but some of the rooms seem to just open up into other dimensions. How exactly does that work? Or do you plan to reveal that in a later chapter?
7494477 An excellent, but unexplained, question.
On the plus side, the troll didn't stay.
Okay, so this is the first time that I can recall that we've seen the implicit threat of the building finally coming to pass. It was hinted at with that space-squid thing, but now we know for sure: it's not just that this place is weird, but it can be extremely dangerous too.
What initially struck me was an ostensible throwaway line, where Tabitha mentioned that "one of her theories" had been confirmed by the troll coming from a room that hadn't been rented out yet. I say "ostensible" there because I think that there's quite a bit of a hint in that line. My read on that is that only vacant rooms act as portals to elsewhere (and/or "elsewhen"), which is why we never hear about tenants suddenly being mauled in the middle of the night.
Presuming that this interpretation is correct, it's a brilliant idea, as it adds quite a spin onto Tabitha's role as "the Caretaker." That is, she needs to keep the building full of tenants, lest those portals to other realities open up more frequently. So just sitting on an empty building isn't just a bad move financially; it's also a threat to all of Equestria! (In fact, that makes me wonder if the Princesses would want to just knock the building flat if they ever realized that...I doubt it though, since there's no guarantee that that wouldn't make things even worse.)
Beyond that, I agree with the suspicion that other readers posted with regards to Tabitha having the strength to knock a club from a troll's hands; there seems to be some degree of augmented strength in there. If so, that also lends another twist to the whole "Caretaker as protecting reality" aspect thing insofar as it relates to Tabitha's new body; she needs the power (and other advantages) that that body offers her to do her job. Heck, the long-life thing along now becomes much more of an asset. Presuming Tabitha realizes this, I can't see her realistically asking for her body back anymore.
All of that aside, the action sequence here was...of middling quality. It wasn't bad, but there was room for improvement. To my mind, one of the things that action sequences need to do is focus on details, particularly insofar as physicality is concerned. The story said, for example, that the troll leaned down and bit Tabitha...bit her where? On the shoulder? Bit off her ear, boxer-style? Bit her on the boob? A fight is an interplay between two or more bodies, so we need to have constant details on what those bodies are doing.
I also blinked a little bit at just how quickly it all ended. Tabitha limps away without even waiting to see that Bubbles finishes the job in tossing that thing back through the door? Heck, why doesn't it just push the door back open again and come through? I suspect that the former is due to her physical trauma from that attack, and the latter is a question that has a distinct-yet-unrevealed answer, but even taking that into account, we should have been given a better conclusion than "Tabitha walks away from the fight while Bubbles ends it off-camera." That just doesn't seem as conclusive as such an intense sequence should have.
Of course, Spring was there to fix up Tabitha's injuries, sylvus ex machina-style. The two of them almost had it out in what I suspect would have concluded with taur-on-elf action, save that Coco burst in. Given Tabitha's current near-death state (e.g. the "suspension bridge effect") and her scent, I have to wonder if she and Coco are about to take their relationship to a whole new level. Of course, that's sort of what I'm reading into the poll about where the story should go, so that might not be the case.
7494708 Added a specific mention to the shoulder being what it bit through the robe and reached. Action scenes, not my specialty.
The rest seemed to hit the right notes though!
Tabitha needs a bat made from cold forged iron. Or a good crowbar.
7495849 That would probably be an insult to one of her tenants though. Also, I'd like to point out we don't really know if 'cold iron' means what we think it means. It could for example refer to an unearthly means of forging performed without heating the iron first, or a different material entirely.
7495849 Gordon Freeman's Crowbar +1