• Member Since 28th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 14th, 2019

Tsuyoshi


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1924495 Ok, and I think I took out the part where sibrella was talking to herself btw

1924050 Nothing to be sorry about :twilightsmile: nobody's perfect, so don't let my comment beat you up, but you may consider asking someone to pre-read and help you correct some issues. :pinkiehappy:

1922320 The story of yours is interesting because of Declan, or better the fact that he's a kid, and not an adult, who normally get sucked into Equestria (by the way is "preteen", as Declan is described in the first chapter, not a word for a kid UNDER ten? Later you write that he got eleven.).
As well as Sibrella, the power she possesses (Controlling big beasts and all) and that she is clever, trying to lure them all in a trap, to get the Emperors Gem. What I don't like about her is that she is not the best villain, she talks to herself ["Sibrella shielded herself as well. “Hmm, these shockwaves are too strong for any normal human to generate…” she observed. “I must finish him now while I have the chance.”" (Chapter 12 pretty much at the beginning)] and she tells Declan what attack/defense/reflecting Spell she is using ["“Ha! Now with this special shield any attack you throw at me will simply be thrown back!” Sibrella smirked, evilly."(Also chapter 12)] when it's more powerful when she says nothing about it and let her opponent feel what it does.
Sadly, you forget sometimes words in the sentences, which makes reading it a bit harder, but it's nothing so serious. But it disturbs the reading stream.

Thanks for the fave :)
So... what do you like about it so far?

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