The portal
Here you go young man. That will be $450.00.
O yes of course, here you go.
I handed the cashier the money. In return she handed me my items.
Kamina's glasses, a adult Simon's jacket from Gurren Lagann. A real Katana that was made to look like kenpachi's sword from bleach. Also a necklace that looks like Grimmjow's rank but it's color is gold with a little silver version of his mask at the left side of it which is also from bleach.
I was so happy with my purchases.
I exited the store.
Damn you need to get laid. Your the courter back for your schools football team. For gods sakes!!! There are like six girls waiting to blow you!!!! But yet you turn them down why?
They're all skankes and so annoying.
Your point? It's better then nothing.
When I have a relation with a girl. I want it to mean something. I want it be with someone, who has some selfrespect.
FINE!!!! Let's just go home.
You know the more I talk to you in my head. The more I think that I have some self-esteem issues.
You think so? Just focus on getting home!
I walked down the the street that I always walked down. Saw the same houses, the same birds, and the same crackings in the side walk. The same damn thing like always.
MY LIFE IS SO BORING!!!!!!!!! I wonder what's it like in Equestria?
Probably flamboyant like always.
Shut up.
I was walking past a alleyway. But something caught my eye. It was a glowing pink light.
So I went to investigate.
When I approached it. I was at alost for words. It was a swirling pink vortex.......a portal.
I know what your thinking. But I doubt that this thing will take you to Equestria. Like in those fanfics you read. Just walk away. Like a good white boy. JUST WALK AWAY!!!!!
I was hypnotized. I couldn't stop, even if I wanted to. I went to touch it. It pulled me in.
All that I saw was swirling colors. My body felt like it was being torn apart atom by atom. This was the greatest pain in my life. As soon as it happened it ended. I saw a hole in the vortex. I got shot through it by a unseen force. Then it all went black.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX
"Look out your highness!!!!!" A guard shouted.
A tree went sailing through the air and crashed into a house sending debris of wood and stone everywhere.
"WHAT'S WRONG YOU FILTHY PONY SCUM? ARE YOU SCARED? WE HAVE BEEN GONE FOR 6000 YEARS. BUT YET YOUR STILL WEAK AS EVER."
"Thou is the one that is weak monster" Said Luna.
"I´M THE ONE WHO IS WEAK? HA!!! I´VE KILLED 10 OF YOUR GAURDS. AFTER I´M DONE WITH ALL OF YOU I SHALL DEVOUR THE WHOLE TOWN!!!!"
"Shut your mouth monster!" A earth pony shouted as he tried to cut the beast.
"YOUR TO SLOW".
The monster sent his spear like tale into the guard´s chest. His tale ripped the guard´s ribcage apart with ease. Then chucking him into the crowd of cowering ponies.
"Now Twilight!!!!!!"
"Alright get ready girls. You heard Princess Celestia."
The main six where charging up the elements.
"YOU THINK THAT CAN SAVE YOU?"
The monster sent his tail into a crowd and grabbed a filly.
"TELL ME WILL YOU FIRE AT ME WITH THIS CHILD IN THE WAY?"
The child squirmed in the monsters grasp.
"Mommy Daddy somepony help me?!?!?"
The element bearers stopped their attack.
"P-princess what do we do?"
"I don't know Twilight." Celestia grunted.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I a woke to the sound of birds chirping.
" Fuck. My everywhere hurts. What happened? "
Well your finely awake. O what happened. Well dum-ass you just had to touch the portal.
" Where are we, anyway?"
Do I look like a GPS to you. Just explore or something.
I"t looks like a forest. Wait a forest".......... A smile crept it´s way over my face. " Everfree " .
[/You Don´t know that.color]
"Well I´m hoping *shivers * Why is it so bright but yet so cold?"
I looked over to my now scadderd bag. Well better time then never. I put on the jacket and glass. As I was putting on the glasses it only felt right to say it..................
You better not say it.
O I´m gonna.
"Swagg"...........
You fag.
" What ever. Seeing that this is EverFree, we should leave. Like now."
Well let's get going this place is creepy as shit.
"That´s the plan". I began to walk down the path. Every thing looked real but with more color. My train of thought was interrupted by a loud roar.
" What the he'll was that?" I turned around to see red glowing eyes.
Alright first thing animal planet teaches you show no fear and make your self bigger.
I puffed out my chest and began to raise my hands. What ever it is it wasn't a fan of my actions, and it roared. I turned and ran like hell. " Fuck you Animal Planet you lying sack of crap".
Told You they lie just like the History channel.
"Not now"!
I kept-running untell I saw the clearing. " Bitch we are home free. " I had to sit down to catch my breath. I looked around to take in the sights. It was beautiful there was lush green grass, flowers far as the eye can see.The sky was a light blue and the only sound was birds chirping and the sound of the water running in the creak.
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You got that right. Was the green your subconscious or something?
2356291
The green is the voice in his head, the blue is his own thoughts.
So yes. Thanks for being my first comment.
2356314The main issue is grammar, like commas and apostrophes.
2356319 Ya I know. That was never my strong suit. So that's my main problem and possibly my down fall.
It has my attention.
2356339 Well, if you need a proofreader, I can help you find someone. And if I can't find anyone, I can help you out myself...
2356855 Really? Sweet thanks!!!! Who do you have in mind?
2356879 Well we can look for some through groups... Like this one
Or this one
I've seen a few authors who are pretty good at proofreading in them. And if none of them can help, then I'll offer my services. Now, I have to go. Dinner and all that. Be back in a little while
2356898 k thanks
Okay, so ignoring the fact that is a cliché Brony/Socially-Awkward Nerd in Equestria story the main problem it has is punctuation and description.
Let’s start with this:
The problem with this is that it is speech but doesn’t have speech marks (“”). The minor grammer could also be improved. Here’s how it should look:
Next is the green and blue speech. At first I had no idea who was talking to who here and it wasn’t until later that I thought that he could be arguing with himself. I suggest it is best to introduce this voice in his head inset of making the reader guess who or what it is. Also to nit-pick I would suggest something like this:
Also it is “You’re” for “You are”, not “Your” as it “It is your cat”.
Next is the monster. I have no idea what it is, what it looks like or why it is there. If you do have to include this bit (personally for a first-person story like this you wouldn’t have this bit at all unless your character was witnessing it himself) then it may be good to say what the monster looks like and to describe what it is doing instead of it just shouting out its past exploits.
Overall this isn’t the worse thing I’ve read. There are definitely things far worse than this. I’ll be keeping an eye on it and I hope that this helps.
Good Luck.
- Your friend, Feather Book.
2357143 thanks. The monster part is the point of view of the ponies. The main character will tell what the monster looks like in the next chapter.
All righty. First off, congrats on having your first story published! I know that feeling of waiting for the story to clear, and being happy when you finally spot it on the front page.
It turns out I've got a bit of time to spare, so I'm gonna give you some critique that I hope will help you improve both this story and your writing in general. If it feels I'm being too blunt, I apologize. I'm going to break this into three categories. Let's get this bad boy started!
First, Your title/synopsis:
I know that at first glance this may seem like an unimportant category, but you have to remember that first impressions are everything. I'll look at your title first. All caps titles are really frowned upon, as they're usually a sign of inexperience on the writer's part. I would suggest changing it to "A Star is Born."
The synopsis is... well... cliche. You want to avoid phrases such as "Hi, I'm _____" and "I'm just your average ______" as they, too, are a sign of inexperience and, more importantly, Mary Sue OCs (more on that later.) Remember, the first thing that a reader looks at is the face of your story (e.g. your title/synopsis.)
A small note on the chapter name, as well. "Portal" should be capitalized.
Second, your spelling/grammar/formatting:
I'll start with formatting. First off, kudos on attempting to space your story. It is a step in the right direction that you've avoided the wall o' text trap that many first-time writers fall into. That said, Your paragraphs should be indented. Another thing to note is that this break:
Is obnoxious and distracting. I normally use eight asterisks to signify a break in the story, Like so:
********
It is enough to show the reader that the story is shifting, but also unobtrusive enough for the eye to pass over without telling the brain "What the hell was that?"
There are many ways to put a break in a story, and every author has their own system. One similarity, however, is that the break is always subtle enough to prevent an interuption in the flow of the story.
Grammatically, you could use some work as well. We'll speak about punctuation first. There are many places where additional punctuation is needed. conversely, there are sections where you use either too much, or incorrect, punctuation. For example, this:
Should look like this:
The general rule is that if a sentence begins with 'or' 'and' or 'but,' then the previous sentence should end with a comma. If you want to avoid comma piles and run-on sentences, consider changing the sentence a bit. Also keep in mind that if the final word of a sentence is in quotations, then the punctuation goes inside of the quotation. Something like this:
Should look like this:
A small difference, to be sure, but an important one. One last item in terms of punctuation; one exclamation point/ question mark is enough.
Proper names should always be capitalized, as should the first word of each sentence. 'I' should be always capitalized as well.
In terms of spelling, I noticed typos as well as improper use of words. "Too" and "to," "tale" and "tail," things like that. homophones can be a pain in the ass, but take the time to make sure that you are using the correct word for each situation. Also, numbers should always be written out if possible, unless it's some ridiculously huge number. 10 should be ten. 6000, as it's a rounded number, can be written out as six thousand. If you're looking for proofreaders/editors, then you may find some help here or here.
I want to address one last thing before moving on to section three; the color-coded thought system. As others have pointed out, the inner dialogue basically comes out from left field. We have no idea who is talking, and who is replying. This is exacerbated due to the lack of quotation marks on the first two lines of dialogue. Additionally, and this is personal preference, I don't care for using colours to denote different speakers, even if they are thought-based. Italics are normally used to show thoughts, and if you have more than one voice, you can also bold your italics, so that they are easily differentiated. Again, this is just personal preference.
Third, the story/characters:
Unfortunately, you have fallen into the trap that many first-time writers fall into; the first-person human in Equestria genre. While this is by no means an impossible genre to write, it carries the stigma of housing many unpolished stories written by eager first-time writers. As such, readers are normally very critical of stories that fall into this vein, as many of them carry under-developed plots and characters, blatant self-inserts, and a slew of 'Mary Sue' protagonists. I am sorry to say that this story may be seen as such.
I'll start with the characters and their development, or their lack thereof. Firstly, we know nothing of your protagonist or his motivations. While this can be used to your advantage (say, if you were writing a mystery,) you must also work to get the reader to connect with the character. Right now, Protag (it's what I'll refer to him as for the sake of this critique) is very one-dimensional. We know he likes anime and MLP (as evidenced in the summary) and plays quarterback for his school. He also doesn't like sluts. Its honestly not much to go on before you throw him down the proverbial rabbit hole into Equestria. I'm not saying that you have to tell us his life story right off the bat, but little things could be added to what you already have. You could add some additional description to his interaction with the cashier; maybe Protag starts to tell a joke to the cashier, but flubs the punchline, adding awkwardness to the situation. Little things like that will grab the readers' attention and satiate them until you see fit to delve further into backstory and such. I won't comment on the ponies as of yet, since they aren't in the story for more than a few paragraphs thus far. I will say that I doubt Celestia would just stand there and let the monster snatch a child, then stare it down in stalemate. The bitch is all about contingency plans.
As for the dialogue/inner dialogue, there should be more action there. While you don't have to have "He/She said" at the end of each line of dialogue, adding actions help paint the scene for the reader. Rather than this:
You could have this:
It's not perfect by any means, nor do I care for the all-caps, but you'll notice that the scene feels more alive now. Adding actions isn't just a way to pad your word count, it also helps bring the characters and scenarios to life. Another thing to note is that if you're attempting to use olde english (Royal Canterlot speak) then you should take a few moment to research the proper terms. It will save you some grief down the line from readers who notcie those things. "Thou is" should be "Thou art."
The story itself is rather cookie-cutter at the moment. If you hope to differentiate your story from the dozens of other 'HiE saves the day' type-stories, then you're going to have to put some thought and feeling into both the characters, and the scenarios that they find themselves in.
In summary, I'll say that while I don't particularly care for this story, I believe that with some practice and experience, you can make it shine. For the moment, I would suggest writing some small one-shots that deal mainly with established characters, so that you can practice your interactions, motivations, and pacing. I hope that this helps you in some small way, and I also hope that you'll keep writing! You'll only get better if you keep at it.
Cheers!
2356339
Right now working on grammar should be your main focus. Since you're new to writing, there's most likely a lot you need to learn, and all that is going to take time. Work on your grammar first, and one fairly easy way to go about that is to read. I don't mean pony fics, but read some published works, preferable genres of writing that you enjoy. Read non-fiction too, like the newspaper or magazines. The point of that is to expose yourself to examples of good sentence structure. Pay attention to when commas get used and when quotation marks are needed. Notice how paragraphs are broken up and why they get broken up. Again, this will all take some time, and a lot of effort on your part.
Read over everything Pick-Six brings up, and read it slowly.
The last thing I want to recommend is check out your local library. If they have books on writing, check those out and give them a read through.
2357821 Listen to this man. He knows what he is talking about.
I would explain more tips but you could give a quick read though of this. It can explain it all a lot better than I can.
If you also want any help writing Luna then take a look at this. If you’re still stuck, I would be happy to help if you send me a PM.
Finally had a chance to read this
.)
The blue and green text confused me at first but I got it pretty quick
So far so good (your lucky my first story had 5 dislikes and 2 likes
Can't wait to see what kinda monster it is...I'm guess some sort of lizard like creature like a Basilisk or something
Failure? The story telling and comedic dialog was genius! The only 'failure' is the grammatical and spelling errors. I'd be more then happy to edit for you. I have one person already that I'm editing for, and I'm a back up editor or something for somepony else.
2371234 um sure. Well out of curiosity what do you like about the story?
2371258 the comedy. I love how you got this voice in your head, and your always bickering with it.
Onto the editor thing: what do you use to type up your stories? Google docs?
2371287 Just a kindle.
2371330 what app? It would be easiest for me to edit using google docs. Do you have a gmail?
2371355 none just the kindle its self.
2371369 I'm assuming you then copy and paste onto this sight. Tell ya what. Create a gmail account (if you don't already have one) then paste the story into google drive. You can share it with me, at lonepone13@gmail.com
2371403 um sure when I finish the next chapter I will do that.
2371444 Alright! Send me a message when you share it with me on gdocs.
This is bad-ass.
When's the next chapter.
2417411 Glad you like it. I'm not sure really. I haven't gotten a chance to work on it because I had Star testing and some family issues. But it's over and the next chapter is in the works. But what do you like about the story so far?
It's been over a month.
Update?
2510990 Working on it. I´VE been having family problems, but I am now working on the next chapter. (^-^)