Chapter 3: Of Books and Men
==============================
Flags fluttered in the dim glow of torchlight. These flags were black and the white sun motif in the centre was stylized with each of the eight beams of light twisting to the left at a ninety degree angle half way up their stem.
A shadow moved though the light as a black cloaked figure hurried past armour-clad guards and into a large tent. In his hands was a plain and unassuming box. He hurried into the tent and bowed before a man sitting on a regal stool.
“My Lord Grandmaster, please forgive me for this intrusion,” the cloaked figure said.
“What is so important that you must disturb me at this time of night, Grand Librarian?” the Grandmaster asked. His voice was one that could make rock tremble with anxiety. His black hair was neatly swept back and a trimmed beard presided upon his strong chin. He wore black robes with the same sharp sun motif that donned his banners and his men’s armor.
“Grandmaster,” said the Grand Librarian as he placed the box out before him. “There is something you should see.”
“Is that what I think it is?” It was a statement rather than a question. He could recognize that aged oak box with its well-polished surface and brass hinges anywhere. The Grand Librarian nodded and slowly lifted the lid. An unnatural red glow filled the room and wrapped it in an uneasy darkness. “What’s happened to it?”
“I do not know,” replied the Grand Librarian. “It began this morning. I’ve looked though all my books and they provide no answers.”
The Grandmaster raised himself from his seat and walked closer to the box. The rare sight of a small smile spread across his lips as the red glow bound around his eyes like a juggling dragon. He reached out and gently closed the box before grasping it in his arms as if he were a mother grasping her child.
“You can leave it with me,” he said. “I’ll keep it safe. Go back to your books and find me an answer. I will study the artifact myself.”
“Of course, Grandmaster.” The Grand Librarian bowed. “If you require anything, I’ll be in my tent.”
“Yes, I’m sure you will,” the Grandmaster half-heartedly replied. He had lost all interest in the robed man. The Grandmaster’s hands stroked the boxes surface as the retired to his seat. “I sense that this is the beginning of something big,” he said to no one in particular. He was the only one in the tent.
--------------------
Robert slowly opened his eyes and let out a long yawn. It was early morning. A light sea breeze fluttered though the tent’s fabric as the sun already began to heat up the land. He looked around the small tent and found it to be empty. Frank’s bedding was empty, and apart from a scattered pile of fabric in the center, nothing was out of place. He gave a sigh of relief and allowed himself a lie-in. Perhaps it was all just a bad-
“Hello.”
His eyes shot open to meet the deep purple eyes of Twilight Sparkle. She smiled. Two bowls of food levitated in a purple glow to her side. “Good morning,” she said. “I brought you some breakfast. It’s probably not much better than last night. I don’t even know what it is.”
The bowl lowered itself into Robert’s hands as he sat staring blankly at the unicorn. Twilight stared back with a frown.
“Remember that talk we had last night?” she asked.
“How could I forget,” Robert muttered.
Twilight made herself comfy on the floor and watched as Robert took the first bite of his food. As he didn’t choke it out, Twilight hesitantly placed a spoonful into her mouth. It wasn’t as bad as before.
“So, today I was wanting to get some answers. Do you know where the nearest library is?”
“Library?” Robert looked at the unicorn over his gruel full spoon.
“Yes, a library, or at least someone with some kind of books about magic and stuff.”
“Magic?” It was then Robert’s mind finally clicked into the realization that this formally mythical creature before him was capable of magic. “Magic!?”
“Yes, magic.”
“No-no-no-no; you don’t understand Magic is-it’s...it’s impossible.”
“And I’m a talking unicorn. Guessing by your reaction is that really a valid excuse?”
“I guess not,” Robert muttered. “Just don’t summon any demons or curse any of us please?”
“And why in Equestria would I do that?”
Robert was saved from having to explain as Frank, dressed in his armor and his sword by his side, swung back the tent’s door and looked in. “You’re awake then. Get your stuff and load up the wagons. We’re moving on today.”
“What?!” Robert leapt to his feet. “Since when?”
“Since the King said so. We’re marching south. We’re here on a mission, remember? Not just to have fun,” said Frank. He picked up a sword and tossed it towards his friend. “You’ll need that. Oh, and it’s best if you stop talking to yourself; People may think that you are crazy.”
“I think I already am,” Robert muttered to himself as Frank left.
“So,” Twilight broke the silence, “I’ve been meaning to ask. This is a military camp of some kind. Why are you here? Are you fighting with something?”
“You could say that,” said Robert. He rose to his feet and proudly gestured to his linen covered chest. “We are Crusaders.”
“Crusaders? Like the Cutie Mark Crusaders?”
Robert raised an eyebrow at the unicorn. “I’m… not sure… Anyway, we are men who are sworn to take back the holy land from the Aysyrrasin heretics in the name of Solaris!”
“Solaris?” Twilight asked. She was slightly disturbed at the human’s enthusiasm.
“Yes, Solaris. You know, the creator of all, bringer of the day, the Almighty Father,” Twilight stared at him blankly. “Anything?”
“Well, Princess Celestia brings the day where I’m from, and she says that it was her mother who created the world.” Twilight replied.
Robert’s eye twitched, his brain considered his options and rebooted itself. “Close enough,” he said with a shrug. “Now, um, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get changed.”
“Oh, sorry.” Twilight blushed a little as she backed out of the tent and into the early morning sun. The camp was busy with men in armor lowering tents and placing gear into wagons.
“Excuse me,” Twilight said to a nearby black stallion. “Where can I find a bathroom?”
The horse cocked its head. “Bathroom?”
“Yes, you know, somewhere to wash and brush my teeth.”
The horse chewed on some dry grass, “Brush… teeth?”
“You know what, nether mind.” Twilight muttered as she went in search of any form of sanitation. Her hoof stepped into something soft, warm and moist.
She looked down.
She screamed.
--------------------
“Catherine, have you seen the soap?”
“No, Miss Margret,” Catherine called back as she loaded a pile of pots and pans into the back of a cart. “It should be with the other washing up stuff.”
“No it ain’t,” the older woman called back. “And a bucket and towel is missing too!”
What they didn’t know was that, hiding behind a nearby tent, Twilight was franticly scrubbing away at her foreleg with the commandeered soap. At least she hoped it was soap. It seemed to do the job. She had been scrubbing for about an hour when she was finally disturbed.
“Twilight? What are you doing?” Robert asked as he made his way behind the slowly disappearing tents.
“Doesn’t anypony, horse or human here understand simple hygiene!?” Twilight asked. Her horn glowed as, for the fifth time, she attempted to purify the limb with a burst of purple flames.
“Hy-what now?”
Twilight gave him a deadpan stare. “Please tell me you’re joking.” When Robert didn’t reply the unicorn sighed and turned back to her foreleg.
“You do know that soap is made from…” Robert slowly trailed off.
“Yes I know what soap is made off,” Twilight muttered, “Lye and oils with some other ingredients.”
“Um, yes. Of course it is.” Robert gave a faked chuckle.
The unicorn didn’t notice. She sighed, dried her leg and slowly stood. She should have expected as much. She remembered stories that Shining Armor told her of his time training. She couldn’t believe that camping would have been that bad, especially with the Royal Guard’s budget. This was probably worse.
Shining… Her mind drifted to thoughts of home again. Her brother, Cadence, Spike and her parents, she hoped that they were alright. Last time Discord escaped, her parents were barley affected beyond having their home turned upside down along with the rest of the street.
She shook her head. There was time later to worry about home. First she had to find a way back. It was then she realized that she had no idea where to even start looking. If only she had some-
“Books!”
“What?” Robert asked.
“Books, I need books!” Twilight turned to him with more enthusiasm that he had ever seen. “Please say that there are some books nearby. Good books, books with facts and knowledge. Books that can help me get home.”
“Umm… I think Father Brian has some books like that,” said Robert. Twilight made a sound of pure glee and disappeared in a cloud of dust, galloping between the remaining tents.
Robert sighed and began to follow.
“And where do you think you’re going?”
He stopped and turned to meet a glare from a brunet haired woman. It was at that moment, his brain decided, that he had never seen anything more beautiful in his life.
“So you are the one who’s been stealing from the kitchen,” said Catherine.
“I-I It, I… Who-“
“Don’t play dumb with me, just give me back the stuff you stole and I’ll let you go.”
Robert glanced down to the bucket of water and almost dissolved soap.
“Yes, that stuff,” Catherine said.
Robert nodded and picked up the bucket, soap, and towel and held it towards Catherine who snatched it back from his hands.
“Now if I ever catch you or your book loving friend stealing again then I will get angry, understand?”
Robert weakly nodded. He never would have thought that something so dangerous could be so attractive.
“Good,” she huffed before turning and walking away leaving Robert staring after her. It was a short while after she disappeared when he shook the thoughts from his head and went off in search of the unicorn.
Twilight wasn’t hard to find. A purple horned pony amongst the dirt and sand landscape stood out well enough for Robert to see her digging though the carts of the United Friaries of Dewnenshire.
“Found them!” she triumphantly called as a cartload of books and scrolls floated around her.
“Do you mind keeping them down?” Robert asked with a hush. “We don’t want to be drawing any attention.”
“Oh, sorry.” The Unicorn giggled as she lowered all but one book back into their place. She made herself comfy on the cart and opened the largest tome she could find.
“An’ did þos fēt in alden time.
Ƿalkest upon Ælbions mountains ȝrēne:
An’ Ƿas þē hōly Lamb of Solis,
On Ælbions plēsent æcers sēn!”
“I knew it wouldn’t be that easy! Why do you have to speak the same language but not use the same alphabet?” Twilight sighed slammed her head into the pages out of despair.
“It can’t be that bad, all we need is to find someone to read it,” Robert suggested.
Twilight yet out a muffled “yes” from the pages, she lifted her head and smiled. “That’s it! I know a translation spell that will work. I just need you to read the first couple of paragraphs for me.”
“Read… yes, of course,” Robert let out an uneasy chuckle as the book was shoved into his hands.
“I need you to show me the words as you read them,” said Twilight.
Robert cleared his throat and gulped. “Err… There once was a… a Duck! Yes, there once was a duck that… that… umm-“
“Robert?”
“Yes Twilight?”
“Do you know how to read?”
Robert answered. Never before had he heard anyone shout in anger as loud as Twilight did.
“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry!” Robert stemmed from his new place on the ground.
“How could you not know how to read!?” Twilight yelled, glaring down at the pathetic human from the cart.
“I never needed to read before!”
“That’s no excuse! What did they teach you at school?”
“School?”
Twilight let out a frustrated scream. Robert could have sworn that her mane started smoking. Twilight sighed, her anger had ran out and twisted itself into sorrow as she collapsed into her hooves and then let out a sob. “I-I just want to go home.”
Robert clambered to his feet. He never had to comfort a pony before, the closest experience he ever had was comforting his little sister when her favorite toy broke. Slowly he reached his had forwards and tapped her on the side of her head.
“Calm down Twilight. I’ll help you find your way home. I promise.”
“B-But, no books…”
“All we need to do is find someone else who can read.”
Twilight sniffed her final sobs and looked up at the human. “Yes, yes. Your right.”
“Robert, are you feeling alright?” The human and unicorn both shot round to see a concerned Father Brian.
“Father. Yes, of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” Robert said with a nervous chuckle.
“Oh, are you? It’s just that you are talking to a book.”
“Talking? No, no I wasn't. I was just trying to read it.”
“Ask him to read it,” whispered Twilight.
“I didn’t know you could read,” said Father Brian.
“I can’t,” Robert admitted, “but could you possibly teach me?”
“Teach you? Well, yes I could. But not now though. Remind me next time we set up the camp for a long peaceful period.” Father Brian lifted the book and stowed it away neatly before raising the cart’s back.
“When will that be?” Twilight asked. Robert asked the Father.
“Well, I’m not sure. His Majesty is about to announce where we’re going. It would be good to finally get Solaris’ work done. Oh, and between you and me,” he added in a whisper, “those horses have their eyes on you.”
It was true. All the nearby horses were staring at the trio with a looks that Twilight could only read of interest and confusion.
“Are you okay, ma’am?” One nearby stallion asked.
Twilight’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment, she gave a nervous chuckle, “Yes.”
As for the Alternate Universe tag, just say it took place before that episode.
I can only guess what the last two lines are, but not the first two.
Let me translate it for you, Dear Miss Sparkle:
And Did Those Feet In Ancient Time
Walk Upon Albions Mountains Green
And Was The Holy Lamb Of Solis
On Albions pleasant pastures seen!
2046276
Correct!
(I like your profile picture by the way)
Nice story! My only problem with it is that it's a little simplistic, but still cute. I know that my writing is simplistic too. It's a cute idea, and you are a talented writer. Twilight is in character, and this story is a good read.
2069158
Thanks, I’m glad you liked it.
I’m trying to make the next chapter less simple, but it may be another week or so until I’m done.
Also thank you for the favourite.
2069177
Sorry I didn't review, but I think that posting a comment is more personal, and I prefer them. If you want a review, I'll definitely write one.
You should consider writing chapters in advance in case something happens. I'm almost done with "Dash of Loyalty". Soon you shall discover why I have the "Tragedy" tag. The next Act is really dark. I felt awful while I was writing it. Parts of it are just...ehhhh. It's not sexual though! Swear!
Enough about my story...sorry I got off topic. I can't wait for the next chapter! I'm sort of shipping Twilight and Robert; just a little bit. I can't wait to discover what happened to the other ponies, and I feel absolutely awful for Twi. Keep writing!
This review made on behalf on the group Authors Helping Authors
Story: The Lion and the Unicorn
Grammar: 8
Pros:
Interesting story and characters.
Flows well; not rushed.
I'm intrigued.
Comedy is not forced.
Twilight is in character.
Cons:
Small grammar issues; mostly comma misuse, but it does not detract from the reading experience.
There were a few minor spelling errors.
Robert seems to be a little too accepting of the fact that Twilight exists.
Great story! I love it! I've been hoping to find a good story about Discord messing with where the Mane 6 are instead of the elements, and I've finally found it. As I said, it is paced well, though it would benice to see where some of the others of the Mane 6 are before continueing the Twilight story arc. This should build suspense without depriving the audience of an enjoyable read.
With regards to grammar and spelling, get yourself another prereader, and that should fix that up.
I've got one last comment for you. It'd be nice to get into Robert's thoughts a little but; try to get the readers to feel sympathy for Robert (and for any future main humans for that matter). This should help with intense character development and will make the overall effect of your story greater.
This is just my opinion though, so continue the great work as you see fit.
Hope this helps!
Legofan24
2069536 Thanks.
I wanted to have this story focus on Twilight’s adventure. The other’s will each have their own separate story. I will do them someday, but I want to focus on Twilight first.
As for your second point, I do have a pre-reader. Could you point out an example of the grammar and spelling issues?
As for Robert, I agree. I’ll take a look at it.
Thank you again.
Right. Well, here are a few errors that I found (bolded text is what you wrote, the line underneath is the suggested fix):
Chapter 1
And I haven’t been unfair on you Twilight, I chose each world.
Replace 'on' with 'to'.
The draconequus snapped his fingers and in an explosion of light vanished, leaving the unicorn alone in the sand.
Should be a comma after 'light'.
It was then twilight noticed how hot she was, she wiped the sweat from her forehead before adding, “And I need to get out of this sun.”
This should be broken into 2 sentences. Replace the comma after 'was' with a period.
The journey seamed to drag on and on as Twilight walked into the sunrise.
Wrong 'seamed'. Should be 'seemed'.
Chapter 2
He wore similar clothes with to Twilight’s surprise the same sun mark on his tunic.
'to Twilight's surprise' should be separated by commas (...with, to Twilight's surprise, the...)
The taller equine simple stared at it.
'simple' should be 'simply'.
I've only looked through chapters 1 and 2 right now, but I'll do 3 later. As I think I said earlier, the errors were small, things that having two or more prereaders would fix.
I apologize for assuming that this story was going to include all six of the Mane 6's adventures; I don't know why I assumed that.
Again, great story, can't wait for more!
Legofan24
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Lion and the Unicorn
Grammar: (8/10)
Overall, the grammar issues don't detract that much. A few consistent things I would like to point out are:
1. I saw it once, but when I saw it again I figured that I should point it out. When your characters say "Of course" you write "Of cause". I'm not sure if you're going for an accent, but it seems a little off.
2. It was mostly fixed after the first chapter, but there were a few dialogue issues near the beginning. I had the same problems myself for quite a while!
-Most notably, an ellipses (...) does not end a sentence. It kind of functions like a comma with a longer pause. To end a sentence, use an ellipses and a different finishing punctuation (Like .... ...? or ...!)
-Overall, the flow seemed to stutter some at the beginning, but after the first chapter, it really began to sail along quite smoothly. Also, I saw the correct use of a semicolon! Bonus points!
Pros (list three pros)
1. Characters! You have a good grasp of your cast so far. They interact well and make everything flow well. Your main strength seems to be interaction, since the flow was the best whenever there was more than one character on the metaphorical "screen".
2. Humor! Again, goes hand in hand (hoof in hoof?) with interactions. Your timing with jokes is spot on so far!
3. World building! I don't often read alternate universe fics and such, so forgive me if I was a little skeptical at first. But just mentioning the Crusades was enough to make me wonder. You've done a nice job of setting up the world with just enough hints to know that there'll be some real dissonance later between Twilight and Robert's fanatical loyalty. Way to play your cards close to your chest!
Cons
1. One story-related thing I wondered about was how much Twilight realized about what was going on, especially when Joey talked about fighting with shiny sticks and stuff. It may just be me, but I feel that Twi would have realized just how violent things were and taken things a bit more seriously.
2. Word choice. There were a few sections that I felt could have benefited from some variety. The main one that stuck out was in chapter 2, where Robert said something unsurely, and then immediately afterwards Twilight felt unsure of herself. Try not to use the same word too often or too close together! That being said, don't go crazy with a thesaurus either
3. Grammar in general. The basic story structure is pretty sound, but the punctuation and dialogue errors here and there keep it from being solid. I know that editing is a real pain (I'm a composer, I spend every 9 hours editing for 1 hour of composing!), but it's extremely important.
Notes: Pretty much said everything so far. The characters all stand out in their own regard and interact realistically (as realistically as magical purple unicorns can be~). Some spicing up in the grammar department would really let your strengths shine!
2079213 Thank you.
I was actually going through creating my grammar in earlier chapters when you commented.
As for ellipses, I’ve always thought that they weren’t supposed to have any other punctuation after them. I even looked though some nearby books for ellipses and none of them had any other punctuation when an ellipse was used to end a sentence. Maybe it’s just a British English V’s American English thing.
I’m not good at editing (stupid dyslexia ), but I try my best, and I do have an editor. I’ll try working on it.
Thank you for commenting, and I’m glad you liked it.
Hey, I'm back to make some minor corrections for chapter 3. Like last time, the bolded lines are taked from the fic and the correction is underneath.
“What is so important at this time of night, Grand Liberian?” the Grandmaster asked.
There is no grammatical mistake here, but I suggest that you change it to:
“What is so important that you must disturb me at this time of night, Grand Liberian?” the Grandmaster asked.
Doing this will make the sentece seem more natural, and will make Grandmaster seem like a character that demands respect.
However, I'm unsure as to what a Liberian is, so my mind wants to think of that word as librarian misspelled. If that is the case, well, there are quite a few instances of it appearing that should be checks. If not, well, ignore this change.
His black hair was neatly swept back and a trimmed bead presided upon his strong chin.
I was certain that beards grew on people's chins, not beads (sacrasm).
“If you require anything I’ll be in my tent.”
Comma after 'anything'.
He had lost all interested in the robed man.
Drop the '-ed' on 'interested'.
“No-no-no, you don’t understand Magic is, it’s, it’s impossible.”
Not a grammar error here, but I believe the statement would be more natural if it read like:
“Nononono; you don’t understand Magic is-it’s...it’s impossible.”
Just my take on that sentence, but how you have it is fine.
Robert was saved from having to explaining as Frank, dressed in his armor and his sword by his side, swung back the tent’s door and looked in.
To fix this, you could either drop the '-ing' on 'explaining' or add 'do any' between 'to' and 'explaining'.
“You’ll need that. Oh, and it’s best if you stop talking to yourself. People may think that you are crazy.”
Replace the period after 'yourself' with a semicolon.
“Now, um, if you don’t mind. I’d like to get changed.”
Replace the period after 'mind' with a comma.
She Screamed.
Don't capitalize screamed.
What they didn’t know was that hiding behind a nearby tent Twilight was franticly scrubbing away at her foreleg with the commandeered soap. At least she hoped it was soap. It seemed to do the job. She had been scrubbing for about an hour when he was finally disturbed.
Should read:
What they didn’t know was that, hiding behind a nearby tent, Twilight was franticly scrubbing away at her foreleg with the commandeered soap. At least she hoped it was soap. It seemed to do the job. She had been scrubbing for about an hour when she was finally disturbed.
“Doesn’t any pony, horse or human here understand simple hygiene!?”
Either make it 'anypony' or add a comma after 'horse'.
Twilight turned to him with more enthusiasm that he had ever seen.
'that' should be 'than'.
He stopped and turned to meet a glare from a brunet hair woman.
'hair' should be 'haired'.
Robert nodded and picked up the bucket, soap and towel and held it towards Catherine who starched it back from his hands.
Add a comma after 'soap'. Also, I'm pretty sure that you want 'snatched' instead of 'starched'.
“Read… yes, of course.” Robert let out an uneasy chuckle as the book was shoved into his hands.
Should be a comma after 'course'.
“But could you possibly teach me?”
Don't capitalize 'but'.
Well, that's all that the grammar nazi in me could find. Still a great story; I hope part 4 comes out soon!
2085265 That many errors!
Did I even upload the proof-read version?
Thank you anyway.
2087758 No problem. If you want to, I'd be willing to proof read future chapters for you and help you get these errors out of the way before you publish.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Lion and the Unicorn
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 8 (I was unable to find any glaring errors I could see, all your punctuation and capitalization seems to be in order).
Pros: I really like where your going with this story, it was engaging and I'm thoroughly enjoying the culture shock that Twilight's undergoing (especially her stepping in horse dung, imagine if that had been Rarity). I'm enjoying the horses interactions with Twilight (their thoughts and interpretations of humanity especially). The character of Robert so far has caught my interest and I look forward to reading more about him (though he seems to be taking the presence of a magic wielding, talking animal pretty well. Most good god fearing men of Christendom would consider Twilight to be a demon sent to try their faith, if he was a devout he might even try killing her.) I'm assuming with a name like Robert he is a member of the third crusade under Richard the Lionhearted (a nod to the title, or perhaps the lions are a reference to the Assyrians traditionally being associated with the lion.) Though I'm confused why you decided to go with a pseudo religion instead of the real thing since you're writing historical religion after all (I can only assume you wanted to avoid the baggage associated with the historical crusades.).
Cons: I found that the first chapter was rather short. I think you might have gotten more bang for your buck so to speak if you had spent more time with Twilight wandering in the desert alone (finding traces and hints of humanity along the way) before introducing the humans to the story. Not to say you didn't do a good introducing us to Robert and his horse (it's simply a matter of personal taste). I think for a crusader of probably the 13th century, Robert seems too modern in his outlook (i.e. how fast he was willing to accept Twilight's presence). Now granted she used her magic on him, and gave him the whole spiel about being real. But I think he would be undergoing a crisis of faith with facing the reality of talking purple unicorns (not to mention the heresies she mentioned, especially Celestia's mother creating the world (that's the talk of pagans and no god fearing man would stand for it)). I think more of Robert's thoughts might alleviate some of this points, (or even the horse for a few laughs). I'm looking forward to seeing how the rest of the mane six are doing, will the Caliphs take the elements of harmony for Djinn?
Thank you for your consideration, hopefully you found my critique to be helpful, or in the very least to be kind. Feel free to read and comment my story The Book of Water: The Marriage of the Slave King
2102437 Thank you for the review.
My original plan was to have the story biased in the third crusade, and the Lion in the title was meant to reference to King Richard. But after a lot of thought and ideas I decide it may just be easier to create my own world heavy based on the real events.
Discord acutely references it with the line “I was planning to send you to another, fairly similar to this one in many ways, but there were complications”.
As for Robert’s reaction and the whole religious aspect, that will be expanded upon in the next chapter. Also creating my own religion for them helps with his reaction and the story. Also Robert isn’t exactly what you would call normal. I won’t say any more in fear of spoilers.
As for the elements, I’m sorry if I didn’t make this clear in the description or the first chapter but the other elements are on different worlds and even in different universes to Twilight. They will each be covered in their own stories.
Also I was just looking at your story when you posted this. I won’t be able to read it for a few days however. I am incredibly busy… and it is so long…
Thank you again.
Yet another review from Authors Helping Authors!
Name: The Lion and the Unicorn.
Grammar: 8 Couldn't find any errors. Good job.
Pros: Everyone is in character as far as I can see, great story, interesting plot.
Cons: Oh god I suck at these. Um, OK. I guess pretty much what everyone else is saying. Other than that, I got nothin'.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Lion and the Unicorn
Grammar: 7
Pros
-Twi and Joey play off of each other really well (Joey gets some of the best lines in your story)
-The cultural differences are quite entertaining and I find myself wishing you’d slow down to elaborate and put more emphasis on it
-The world building draws me in
Cons
-Mid-scene point of view (PoV) changes tend to disrupt the flow of the story (see below)
-Description can be a bit sparse at key times when some elaboration would have given a bit more flavour (see below)
-Grammar and word choice can be a bit wonky (see below again)
Notes Section
-“It was hot.” is a very frank and non-descriptive and sentence. It makes for a fairly weak opening sentence, never mind opening paragraph. These kinds of sentences are usually okay in other parts of the story, but the opening paragraph needs something more. It’s your first (and possibly only, depending on how finicky the reader in question is) chance to hook your reader. What I’d recommend is something a bit more flowery. Tell me a bit about this heat. What makes it so distinctive that Twilight can tell it’s unseasonably warm? You give these conclusions in the second paragraph, but because I wasn’t privy to how she felt or thought when she first became aware of the heat, they don’t hold as much impact for me as they could.
-Twi's emotions seem a bit rushed and even odd in the first chapter. She goes from horror to calm to irritation all in the span of three of her paragraphs. With the information given, I couldn't follow how the calm came into play.
-Punctuation on dialogue or narrative being cut off is an em dash or -- if you don't want to use special keyboard characters
-Twi seems a bit quick to believe Discord. She shows skepticism, then Discord just says "nuh-uh!" without doing anything to convince her, then she believes him and starts melting down. Left me feeling a little confused.
-You have a tendency to use “slowly” a lot, and it’s a bit too much to the point. If things are dragging, what about the environment or Twi’s own feelings make her perceive things this way?
-The end of chapter 1 made me both confused and smirk. The mental image is amusing, but I had to question why the human would be screaming. He’s only seeing a small, strangely coloured horse (all ponies are horses, but not all horses are ponies), which is an animal he should be used to (even if it has a horn). Twilight, on the other hand, has much more reason to freak out. Chapter 2 does give him a bit more justification, though.
-For chapter 2, the pigeon is a pretty amusing way to start the chapter. However, the next paragraph switches back to Twilight’s PoV, which is a pretty jarring transition. Generally speaking, PoV should be kept consistent within the current scene. Like if the pigeon’s PoV were used for the entire interaction between Twilight and the human, and then said pair went elsewhere, THEN you swapped to Twi’s PoV. An omniscient third person narration might be able to get away with what you did, but don’t quote me on that, since I haven’t used omniscient much. I also noticed you jump to Robert’s PoV and back from time to time and that’s just as jarring.
-So Twi can’t be seen by most humans, but can still physically interact with them. Good thing it’s not Dash there instead. She’d have a field day.
-To elaborate on the description con, the military camp is a good example. All the stuff is new to Twi and she’s a curious pony, so it feels a bit odd that the broader view of the camp gets glossed over so quickly. I’d think she’d at least compare it to Equestrian culture. Details for the humans are a bit better, but still feel rushed. Given Twi knows she’s invisible, I don’t think she’d be able to pass up the opportunity for some close observation (like the almost getting into personal space type). The way it is, Twi feels rather unimpressed with the camp.
-I’m uncertain why Twi would be annoyed by Robert trying to give her hay. It’s been established in canon as something at least she and Pinkie consider a meal with little hesitation.
-I can’t help but feel chapter 3 feels rather rushed. Twi and Robert finally get some lengthier interaction, but their reactions are rather bare bones.
-With dialogue, try not to have the first name attached to it be someone’s other than the speaker’s. It tends to make things confusing, since the usual initial assumption is that that character is the speaker.
-With regards to the word choice, be sure you know what you mean and that the word means what you mean before you put it into the story. Some examples are when you use “farther” in place of “father” and “nether” in place of “never”.
-With regards to grammar, I am, unfortunately, not the most knowledgeable when it comes to terms, but you might want to try to find yourself a basic grammar guide. It’s generally passable, but there’s some obvious flow breaking stuff like run-on sentences and comma splices that a quick look should fix.
-I find it really odd that Robert didn’t notice Catherine referencing Twilight.
This review is a reciprocation for the one done on Treasure.
Sorry, I've always found Twilight to be absolutely adorkable, and this line is basically the epitome of he cuteness! OMG, my sides are killing me! Sorry if it isn't supposed to be funny, but I just love the whole attitude over this fic!
Only had one thought ok remember how twilight made that check list then at the end of chapter one she took it of her side and added edible to it. Well wouldn't everyone be seeing a floating stone wrapped in vines?
Oh other than that its great so far.