To Rarity's House She Goes
Rarity!
In an instant, Twilight knew that her fashionista friend was her best chance for help. Rarity was always checking out tacky romance novels, and Twilight was confident that her current situation could easily pass for the plot of such a work: A ‘lonely’, bookish mare suddenly finds herself as the target of a princess’ undeterred romantic desires. Twilight was fairly certain Rarity had checked out a book with that exact synopsis at some point. Consulting Rarity for help in this matter would be akin to asking Applejack about some apple-related conundrum. At the very least, things couldn’t get any worse.
With renewed vigor and a perfect plan, Twilight set out to Carousel Boutique.
After a nice, relaxing walk through the streets of Ponyville – which most observers had likely confused for a panicked dash – Twilight found herself at her destination. The bookish unicorn took a moment to catch her breath. Walking had taken more out of her than she had expected.
Once her breathing had normalized she raised a hoof and gave a series of solid knocks. It wasn’t long before the door opened.
Rarity stepped out of the entryway, partially closing it behind her. She turned to face her fellow unicorn with a delighted smile. “Oh, Twilight, darling, to what do I owe the pleasure?”
Twilight looked around to make sure nopony was paying her any unnecessary attention. To her dismay, there were a number of ponies watching her with curiosity. She turned to Rarity and leaned close. “Can we talk inside? It’s a very private issue and I need your help,” she whispered.
“Oh, of course, darling.” The fashionista reopened the door, motioning for Twilight to follow as she slipped inside. Twilight entered, making sure to close the door behind her.
Once inside, Twilight made an uncomfortable observation. Specifically, Rainbow Dash was there, seated on a couch with cushions a shade of blue similar to her coat. Beside the couch was a fancy wooden coffee table covered in a set of trays, cups, plates, and a single tea pot. Judging by the amount of crumbs, this was a meeting that had been going for a while.
The pegasus noticed Twilight’s entrance and almost immediately began fidgeting. Notably, her wings made a single, small flapping motion without leaving her sides. Twilight couldn’t help but find the action rather cute.
Twilight slid up next to Rarity and whispered harshly, “Rarity! I said I needed to talk to you in private.”
“About what?” the fashionista replied with a whisper.
Twilight’s ears fell flat against her head as a small blush spread across her face – the memories of her recent kiss surfacing. “R-romance,” she forced out, keeping her voice to a whisper.
Twilight immediately recognized the gleam in Rarity’s eyes, but was unable to stop what happened next. Rarity raised her voice to a normal volume, her tone resembling the one she used when teasing a certain apple farmer. “Well, what a coincidence, Twilight,” – a sly grin crept onto her lips – “Rainbow Dash was here to ask for my help with precisely that same matter.” Rainbow began blushing fiercely, and her gaze turned down to lock squarely on her front hooves. The pegasus’ reaction proved enough of a distraction for Twilight that Rarity continued setting up her plan unhindered. “Twilight, darling, why don’t you take a seat with Rainbow while I take a moment to put some fresh tea on.”
And with that, Twilight had been abandoned by her only hope. She sighed. With nothing else to do, she trotted over and took a seat next to Rainbow Dash. The sudden presence next to her snapped Rainbow out of her stupor; her blush faded quickly.
“I don’t think Rarity is coming back until we talk about something...” Twilight offered. She hoped that Rainbow might carry the conversation so that she wouldn’t have to talk to Rainbow about her embarrassing conundrum with Princess Luna. It wasn’t that she disliked talking to Rainbow; far from it. Rainbow just wasn’t the best when it came to actually thinking before acting and that wasn’t a trait Twilight needed in an advisor at the moment.
“Look, Twilight, I’m really sorry for messing things up yesterday,” Rainbow replied. “I know you went through all that trouble to set that little window area up and you bought all that seed, but I was just so afraid that you’d think I was uncool if you saw how I eat from a snack-tube that I just waited until you left...” The pegasus paused – her gaze fell to her hooves once more – “I’m really sorry, Twilight.”
Twilight watched as her friend’s wings drooped with her head. She knew without a doubt that Rainbow was being sincere. She also knew that this would make a great letter to the Princess. It was time to be a good friend!
Twilight reached a foreleg around Rainbow and pulled her into a hug. “Don’t worry about it, Rainbow. I overreacted a bit too. Let’s just put all that behind us.”
“Yeah, okay.” A cerulean wing wrapped around Twilight, pulling the two ponies tighter together as Rainbow nuzzled her head firmly under Twilight’s chin.
For the second time this day, Twilight found herself baffled by Rainbow’s sudden desire for physical closeness. It was almost as if—
“Well, I’m glad you two were able to work that out so quickly,” Rarity derailed Twilight’s train of thought as she reappeared in the room. The white unicorn took a seat on her favorite red couch across the table from the two snuggling ponies. “The tea will be done shortly,” she added.
A few silent moments passed. Twilight wasn’t certain how, but Rainbow had managed to squirm even closer.
“Rainbow, darling, perhaps now would be a good time to take care of what we talked about earlier,” Rarity suddenly prompted.
The pegasus jostled slightly at the suggestion. To Twilight’s chagrin, the pegasus made no effort to reposition herself. “Oh, yeah. So, um, Twi...” she hesitated, “I’m not much for outdated traditions, but I guess it makes sense that a well read pony like you would actually know about using snack tubes to ask me out.”
And just like that, Twilight was lost.
Rainbow continued, “I’m a bit surprised you didn’t ask for a feather, honestly.”
“Well, given your penchant for research and study, and what Rainbow told me about you wanting to make observations, I’m not at all surprised you opted for that method,” Rarity commented. “Although, if you ask me, the feather is a much more romantic gesture.” She released a sigh as her mind drifted off toward thoughts of romance.
“Wait, what feather?” Twilight interjected.
Rainbow giggled, something Twilight found strangely cute. “Mine, duh,” the pegasus replied as though the answer was obvious. “Still, it’s a shame we kinda wasted all those seeds.”
“Who cares about that,” Twilight scoffed, earning a pair of confused looks from her friends. “I ordered twenty pounds of them. It’s not like I’m going to run out–”
“You bought twenty pounds?!” her friends exclaimed in unison.
Rarity swiftly composed herself while adopting a mischievous expression. “Oh my! I hope you were planning on telling me about your honeymoon. I have all sorts of, ahem, helpful items for the bedroom I can lend you. Naturally, I expect full details on what happens.”
“Um, yes, I did order in bulk...” Twilight replied nervously. “But what honeymoon–”
Rainbow suddenly dislodged herself from her comfy position. Her gaze met Twilight’s as her wings flared out to the sides. Twilight was briefly aware of how cold it was without her feathery blanket before Rainbow stole her attention. “Twilight... I had no idea...” she hesitated slightly before she reached forward with both forelegs, embracing Twilight in rib-crushing hug. “Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!” The pegasus squeezed even tighter as Twilight felt the air slowly being forced from her lungs.
Twilight managed to find enough breath to respond. “Rainbow... can’t... breathe...”
Rainbow Dash snapped from her reverie and released the unicorn from her suffocating embrace. “Oops, sorry.” A small, embarrassed laugh followed.
Once Twilight had found her breath, she brought her gaze back to meet Rainbow’s. The pegasus wore a smile that grew wider and wider with every passing second. Before Twilight could respond, Rainbow started talking again.
“Oh, Twi, I know I was probably oblivious before, but now that I know how you feel... how you really feel about me, of course I’ll accept!” Rainbow exclaimed happily.
“Accept wha–” Suddenly, Twilight found Rainbow’s lips pressing against her own. She felt a rush of warmth in her cheeks as her eyes widened in response to the bold move. Twilight waited, expecting Rainbow’s tongue to brush across her lips as Luna had done earlier. It never happened. Rainbow pulled back from the kiss much sooner than Twilight had expected. Instead of retreating completely, however, Rainbow snuck back in and planted a soft peck on Twilight’s nose. Twilight squeaked in surprise.
Finally, Rainbow pulled away completely, leveling a soft, caring expression at Twilight. The stunned unicorn could only stare back helplessly as her brain slowly put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Twice now she had been kissed without warning. However, each kiss carried a different feeling. Where Luna’s had been deep and arousing, Rainbow’s had been light and playful. Twilight wasn’t certain which one she liked more.
Then, Rainbow offered another repeat performance. “So, I’ll give you a bit, say two days, so we can think about how we want this to work. Then we can start talking about our wedding plans over dinner.” Rainbow leaned forward and stole brief kiss from Twilight’s lips. “I’ll see ya later, Twi. Love ya!” she exclaimed before turning and taking off through a window before Twilight could form a response.
“Oh, darling, this wonderful news. I just wish you had told me sooner so I could have gotten a head start on your dresses.”
Twilight didn’t respond.
“Twilight, is there something wrong with your eye? It seems to be–”
“Twitching, yes,” Twilight interrupted. “Just a recently developed condition. Nothing to worry about.”
Rarity couldn’t help giving her friend and incredulous stare. “Twilight, if something’s bothering you, you know you can talk to your friends about it.”
Twilight’s eye began to twitch with increasing frequency while her creepy laugh set a disturbing tone. “What could possibly be wrong?” – an unsettling smile slowly crept onto her face – “It’s not like one of my best friends thinks I want to marry her because I unknowingly placed a bird feeder filled with culturally significant seeds underneath a branch she was coincidentally taking a nap on. And it’s not like the Princess of the Night is convinced that I agreed to be her royal consort and is lending me the captain of her royal guard to be my romantic servant as compensation for accepting the position of royal consort. Oh, and it certainly isn’t a problem that Luna and Rainbow both decided to come to my place, in the evening, two days from now to have a date to discuss the future of our relationship!”
It was at this point that Rarity noticed several disturbingly familiar signs. Twilight’s mane had somehow managed to turn completely frazzled and unkempt, her jaw was set to the side, her head was tilted at an odd angle, her eyes had widened and seemed to have stopped blinking almost entirely, and she was nervously stroking her tail. Rarity knew she had to act fast. If she didn't nip this in the bud then it would only end poorly for everypony.
“Twilight, I need you to listen very carefully.” The lavender unicorn suddenly ceased stroking her tail as she turned her head to grant Rarity her full attention. “You need to calm down, Twilight. You’re letting your worries get the best of you.”
Twilight closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. As she slowly released her breath she could feel her body starting to relax. She repeated the same breathing exercise for several minutes. Eventually the stray, frazzled hair of her mane fell back into its normal style. With most of her tension gone, she slumped over, falling to her side on the couch.
“Feeling better?” Rarity asked with a tentative smile.
“Yes.”
Rarity’s smile grew in confidence. “Alright. Now why don’t you start by giving me all the details. I can’t very well help you concoct a plan without knowing what’s going on, now can I?”
Stats
Page generated in 0.038 seconds
Total duration
999 users online
1,973,759 hits today, 2,707,512 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
lol nice chapter, cant wait for more
Aw, Rainbow Dash is so sweet here
Please be Twidash please be Twidash please be...
*jerks, glancing up*
Err...*coughs* didn't see you there.
Three-tube proposal.. OH SNAP! Ahaaha!
Can't wait to see how quickly this escalates.
You could ship Rainbow and Twilight, Luna can have Rarity!
Nice chapter, can't wait for more!
Oh man, this is getting hilarious.
Rainbow remainds me of the manga Onidere!
Nice work!
Sooooo... threesome?
Yeah, that was the most contrived piece of writing I've ever seen, and I'm already impatient for more. Continue with the hilarity soon please.
Aw, it's a playful, adorable Rainbow
Guess it'll end up in a heated competition
I'm going to be so disappointed if the author wimps out and goes with the threesome solution (or if this gets resolved without romance, I guess).
Then again, the threesome solution implies that there could be a threesome scene...
Dislike the hyped up stress indicators and the single sigh which makes it all go away.
Either Rarity wouldn't have to say anything and Twilight would do it herself, or it shouldn't help.
The story itself is nice, though it's leaning a little too hard on comedy which is exhausting.
2377340you are not the only one
Please be Twiluna please be Twiluna please be...
*pauses in shock*
...wait a minute...I hate Twiluna!
Please reject them please reject them please...
So..yeah, apparently bird-feeding is pretty serious in Equestria. That bird-feed company may wanna put a warning label on their seed advertisement for now on, this can't be the first time this has happened. ^^;; I'm preferring Twi/dash at this point, Luna's ideas of Twilight being her consort are amusing, but a touch awkward. ^^;;
2378299 I apologize in advance if this comes across as rude, but comments like this are utterly unhelpful to me. I can't improve or learn anything if I don't know where the problem is. What, exactly, is it you found contrived? Is it the three-tube-proposal? Is it something else? Please, give me something to go on.
2378413 You can direct comments at me, personally, instead of using roundabout terms. The way your comment reads feels like your talking about me to someone else rather than addressing me personally. It kinda feels a bit insulting.
2378427 Looking back, I agree that having the stress resolve that quickly doesn't work. I'll go back and fix that later today.
As for the comedy aspect, that should be less of an issue going forward. What I'll be posting as chapter 4 was originally going to be together with this as one chapter. I don't normally post a tiny little snippet of a scene like this, because it makes for a choppy flow (I just really felt like posting something). This whole chapter was supposed to be balanced out by the actual drama and tension of the date, so hopefully once I get the next chapter up it should feel more balanced.
Unless, of course, I keep up my current trend of screwing up something every single chapter of this story.
2377340>>2377577>>2377890>>2378413>>2378492>>2378882>>2379529
Well, I'm starting to see a pattern here. Apparently, no one is rooting for TwiLuna that doesn't involve a threesome with Rainbow Dash. Interesting.
2378882 On a separate note, you confuse me.
2379747
Don't mind us Twidashers. We're a rather vocal bunch. Twiluna's a popular ship, too; you'll find love regardless of how things shake out.
(Just so long as it's Twidash.
)
Ohoho dear me, this is amusing. I always know I'm going to enjoy a story when "Lesson Zero"-Twilight makes an appearance.
As always, I endorse the polyamorous option, because it's ten times more amusing and I can imagine the ensuing grin on Rarity's face would be a mixture of terrifying and hysterical.
Dear author,
This is how I want to story to happen (and that does not mean you have to follow. I am not asking you to change it, I am just saying my thoughts.) After two days, Luna and Rainbow Dash appear in Twilight's library. Then they confront each other, each claiming that they be the better suitor for Twilight. BUT THEN, IN A FLASH OF LIGHT Princess Celestia appears, claiming that it is HER who is the best suitor. Twilight immediately falls in love with Celestia, and jumps in her hooves.
Thus making not a love triangle, but sort of a Y. Twilight is in the center, the two outer points showing Luna and Rainbow Dash affection towards Twilight. But Twilight's heart is an another direction, pointing away at her mentor.
Twiliestia is Bestia, I rest my case.
2379747
I have nothing against Twi/Luna, however Luna just seems...unappealing in this story right now. It's hard to feel any sympathy or interest in Luna as she is very pushy *which is understandable with her being Royalty and all, but it doesn't help her case*, and her feelings seem more lustful than loving, which is the difference between her and Dash. Though it is coming about from a MAJOR miscommunication, Dash seems to love Twilight *mind you RD may have not thought any of this through and is just going with whatever happens, but we don't know if that's the case yet*, and she is so interested in Twilight that she wants to marry her *which causes me to assume that Dash has thought about Twilight romantically before, else why would she be so eager to be married?*.
Plus the whole 'consort' thing has not been explained very well yet either *probably for comedic effect*. I've seen stories where it meant they might marry, others where consort just meant being a part of a harem. Plus Luna being okay with Twilight sleeping with a stallion as well as her makes it seem more of a lust relationship than anything deeper. Now you could take this as Luna being so interested in Twilight that she is willing to go to such an extreme to have a chance of a relationship with her, but that didn't seem to be the case, at least to me.
Hope that helps explain at least my reasoning for hoping this to be Twi/Dash. My thoughts may change as the story progresses of course and as we see more interaction between the characters. : )
Edit: Also threesome might be okay if done right, but there is no sex tag so I am not really looking at that as an option as those endings seem more fitted for clopfics. ^^;;
The TwiDash portion of this story is starting to be surprisingly cute. I get the feeling Twilight herself isn't actually opposed to the idea of romance with Dash, even if she doesn't realize it yet. She's just freaking out at how fast it's moving, completely out of her control. All she wanted was to do a little birdwatching, and now she's somehow engaged. Still not really liking the Luna romance angle in this, but I'd be fine if it did end up with TwiDash.
It's funny, though, there's an odd bonus amusement to reading this story that comes from the feeling that you're just kinda making this all up as you go along, filling in the plot holes of what was originally meant to be a light one-shot so you can build something else on top of it. You're actually doing a decent job at it, though, which is why it's funny, and I believe that's what 2378299 meant by calling it contrived. It's not really a criticism, but more that it's entertaining watching all this spring up from a story where it feels like none of this was planned originally. Plus the whole "Just how many more ways can Twilight's life get screwed up simply because of a few bird seeds anyway?" factor. Fate is conspiring to make her life as confusing as possible.
2379747
I sort of was directing the comment at everyone reading, not just you...
Sorry if you were insulted.
i.imgur.com/HgOezIB.jpg
Oh Lawd! Miscommunication ho!
Admittedly, the idea that something significant enough to pegasi that even Rarity assumes Twilight knows about it going completely over Twi's head seems a bit far fetched. Granted, she is kind of frazzled by Luna's actions, but the story indicates she is completely unaware of the cultural implications, not that she just isn't putting the pieces together.
Funny tho'. And otherwise good enough that I don't really care.
2379747
SUDDENLY TWIXIE!
Hahahaha ok I'll stop.
I am not sure who I am rooting for yet, since TwiDash and TwiLuna are on the same level with me, but neither are my Twilight OTP.
There is that old fandom maxim though. Threesomes solve everything. EVERYTHING.
Keep going
i can't wait
2379777 And this comment seems to sum up the general response I'm receiving to this chapter. I find it interesting because the original ending had people mostly rooting for a threesome with Celestia and Luna, with almost no one asking for TwiDash. Now, a mere two chapters later, I've managed to completely flip that around.
2379817
2379828 Yes, Luna's reasoning is purposely vague at this point. By the same token, I've only hinted at Rainbow's feelings. It's quite fun for me seeing the various reactions to the story. I'm just a bit surprised that I haven't seen a single person step up to make a case for why Luna is even pursuing Twilight. I'll have to explain it eventually, but it seems like having Dashie act adorably is a great distraction.
2379962 Oh ho, such a fun little comment to come home to. The simplest thing I can say is that you are completely correct, with the single exception being that the making it up part is already over. I've got this all planned out, but it was very much a story that sprung up from a single idea; that being: what would happen next?
It is reassuring that I'm at least making this passable enough to warrant any form of analytical response. Both Rainbow and Luna are making massive assumptions on Twilight's behalf, and as a result, both have laid a claim to her based purely on those assumptions without any actual confirmation from Twilight. What I find amusing is that everyone seems to immediately abandon Luna due to her method of approaching Twilight and her choice of words. It goes to show how important presentation is in convincing people to accept something. Still, it will be fun to see if anyone figures out the reason I'm using Luna this way.
2380299 I still see it as a real possibility. For all her knowledge, Twilight has shown a lack of understanding in regards to cultures she is unfamiliar with. Specifically, during Winter Wrap Up, she had no clue about how ponies could clean up winter without magic. It was a cultural tradition celebrated by earth ponies that Twilight not only didn't know about, but one that she tried to fight against simply because she thought it to be inefficient. Furthermore, consider the high class culture in Canterlot, and how utterly oblivious Twilight is about it, despite clearly having been from a well-to-do family and growing up surrounded by that culture.
I would posit that Twilight is the type to have a very deep, specialized knowledge base about a fairly narrow set of subjects, specifically those that interest her. Her level of knowledge outside those subjects seems to be extremely shallow. For example, she knows what a Zebra is, but she knew literally nothing else about them. The same thing goes for friendship at the start of the series. She knew the concept, but because she wasn't interested in having friends she knew exactly nothing about what it means to be a friend; hence her being ordered to study friendship. If friendship was originally uninteresting to her, it makes sense that love and romance would have been uninteresting as well since those are deeper forms of social interaction than friendship. So, if she wasn't interested in romance, it would be understandable if she had no knowledge of culturally specific romantic traditions. Heck, she may not even know much about her own culture's romantic traditions.
As for the shipping, yeah, sorry... no Trixie here. I made a decision very early on with this story about how complicated I wanted things to get for poor Twilight, and I decided to avoid Fixing Miss Smartypants level of crazy. This might be a comedy of errors, but it's also my first attempt at one; so I figured I'd keep it fairly simple and not try to ship the entirety of Ponyville with Twilight. Not that I'm terribly opposed to doing such, mind you. I don't really run with OTPs, I just have characters I love to ship and Twilight happens to be my absolute favorite shipping material. My basic rules are no incest (creative princest being the one exception), and no pedo. Most everything else is fair game. With Rainbow being my second favorite shipping material since seasons two and three gave her such an adorable soft side, it was just an obvious choice to use her for the 'close to home' option here.
On a different note, who is your Twi OTP, if you don't mind my asking?
2381718
Was not joking...
Twiliestia is Bestia. Why else would Celestia herself appear in the middle of the night, wanting viagra seeds from Twilight.
Hmm
Hmmm!
HMMM!
2381718
That is a pretty good point regarding Twilight's obliviousness, though Fluttershy DID point out that giving that seed out is a particularly romantic gesture. Seems Twi should have at least gotten a bit suspicious when RD wrapped her up in a hug. But then again, she WAS pretty frazzled. 
With regards to Twixie, that was just me be obnoxious.
As for OTPs, I don't really have one. My prefered Twilight pairings though, are Twixie and Twinkie. TwiDash, TwiLuna, and Twilestia come in after that.
Mostly though, ship Twilight with ALL the ponies!
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/199/x-all-the-y.png
2381718
For maybe some clarity on this in regards to first chapter vs. others: When I first read the fic, it was as a fan of Twilight and awkward comedy reading a one-shot. The subtle possibility of Twidash from what happened was icing on a delicious cake for me, but it got reserved in my head as a 'I can imagine this turning into Twidash a day or two after the curtain closes,' type of feeling. Then the princesses showing up at the end was just comedy gold. If I commented first time through (not sure I did), it would have been with a reaction of "That was hilarious!" and not "Keep going and make it Twidash!" the reason for that is I generally don't stick my nose in stories and demand continuations. Mostly because that usually results in messes where a perfectly encapsulated single story balloons out of control as a writer attempts to expand it past their original notions.
Not that that always happens. This is shaping up solidly thus far and plenty of other stories have successfully moved from one-shot to longer form. I just don't typically ask for that to happen. But, now that it's happening and there's a romance tag, my personal tastes are shining through. And my personal tastes are: heavily pro-Twidash, and rather anti-Twiluna. So, I'm rooting for Twidash.
If the cookie doesn't crumble that way, I promise not to crucify you, though. Stories is stories and by all appearances you know what you're doing. I'll be sure to enjoy the ride.
2381718
TwIlight OTP? I can't just see one really, it's between Twilight x Trixie and Twilight x Luna I'd say.I've seen so many good stories for both, though Trixie is best pony to me and most of the Twixie stories have been a lot more comical than the Twiluna ones.....ok its Twixie for me. But Twiluna is a close second.I do enjoy the Twi/Pinkie ones as a third.
And as for anyone making a case for Luna's interested in Twilight? It wouldn't have any basis right now in the story. I could make random claims based on the canon and other stories I've read, but I wouldn't have any evidence in this story so far to verify my claim. Maybe there is something in between the lines I am missing, but I haven't seen any hints as to her reasoning.
HOWEVER! If you wish for wild conjecture!
1. Luna admires Twilight for freeing her from NNM.
2. Luna is trying to make Celestia jealous so she will confess her love for Twilight.
3. Luna is actually NNM and wants Twilight to love her so she can't use the elements on her again.
4. Luna knows how anti-social Twilight is and wants to teach Twilight about love/is interested in Twilight due to her innocence.
5. Luna wants to rebuild her harem and thinks Twilight and the other Elements would be perfect for it, but she's going after Twilight first.
I can keep going if you like. : )
2379747
No, you didn't come off as rude at all. I understand that you might feel frustrated at comments such as mine when they are filled with vague possibly insulting one liners.
What I meant by calling your story contrived, and thanks to this guy 2379962 for getting what I mean, is that it's filled with and pretty much based on a bunch of unlikely coincidences that are all geared towards screwing with Twilight. While most stories like this quickly become boring because of this, yours is doing the exact apposite by becoming more and more hilarious.
And to fill this comment with something actually useful, you know the point where Twilight rants about all the difficulty setting up the bird feeder?
When these troubles are mentioned before they don't seem that big of a deal. Maybe by Twilight being a bit more grumbly (if that's not a word it is now) about them when she thinks about them in passing.
Anyway, great work on this fun read.
2381792 You're right in that there really aren't any clear hints about Luna's motivation just yet. I'm just interested to see if anyone can figure it out before I explain it in the story.
2382230 Contrivance is hardly a good thing for a writer to be called out on. Typically, it means I've failed at maintaining a suspension of disbelief; that some element of the story doesn't feel believable. Unfortunately, contrivance is not something I seem to be able to avoid with this story. As 2379962 pointed out, I'm stuck trying to fill holes carried over from a story that I didn't spend much time planning out in the first place. Without giving everything a pass "because comedy" the original chapter seems to only disappoint people. I tried to take a funny idea, that pegasi like birdseed, and do minor world building around it and outside those who took the humor of it at face value I've only gotten negative responses. My problem is that I would have been better off slapping a damned AU tag on the story actually spending a few thousand words doing world building instead of expecting people to rationalize things that might be logical if the basic premise of "pegasi like birdseed" was a canonical truth.
On a certain level it just bothers me that my attempt at adding such a minor element to the world for the sake of telling a story gets blasted apart critics when I've seen much dumber, more absurd things shoved into other fics that get a total pass from people. I know I can't control what people find acceptable or not, but some times it just feels like I completely suck at even puling off basic world building. Constantly having to remind myself that I only spent less than half a day on the original story from the point of conceiving the idea to publishing it, and that that's why it has so many flaws gets tiring. That every time a complaint or critique pops up, the one thing that always seems to be there is "contrivance"... well that's frustrating. It's not a problem I can fix by adding punctuation, or just changing my word choice. I don't want to rewrite the whole thing, but what the heck else can I do to fix it? The best I can really do is lampshade things with after-the-fact explanations, but I don't want to bog down the story's flow with a bunch of lamp-shading exposition dumps either.
That said, I hope it's a tad clearer why I get a bit on edge about specific things that could be improved. Things might get frustrating, but I still value honest criticism as I have a lot of room for improvement; it's just hard to improve at all if I don't know what's wrong.
2382587
Huh, sorry to hear you are getting so much flac about the first chapter. I enjoyed it and have so far enjoyed the story. I will admit to understanding some issues people have with the story, but on the whole nothing seemed majorly out of place.
RD sleeping near where Twilight put the bird feeder? Not a problem, she even mentioned needing the window installed where there are branches and I would assume RD was sleeping on some of said branches.
Twilight not knowing about the seed or the mating habits of pegasi? Totally understandable as well. Twilight's not social and doesn't read up on things like that. The seed not having a warning on it is fine too as I can see the ad company screwing that up *plus, who besides a researcher would look to buy the most expensive bird seed out there? Most would get mid to low grade since its just for some birds*.
Celestia and Luna coming over for late night snacks? I kinda figured it was just an excuse they made to visit and tease Twilight a bit, plus Celestia knows about Twilight's late-night studying habits *and I can assume Luna egged Celestia to go so she could ask Twilight out*.
Have you really been getting that much crap about pegasi liking birdseed? Because that just kinda seems silly. o.O I can't really state anything else because that's kinda a 'so pegasi really like birdseed in this story? *Shrug* kk." kinda situation to me. Doesn't really seem to need to be defended because it's just a silly little thing you made that has brought about alot of funny situations in the story.
gah, I've discussed too much on this story, I shall do no more posting till next chapter!
If i can help it.....
2382694 The complaints I hear aren't really about the basic idea of pegasi liking birdseed, but everything else that stemmed from it. To me, it makes sense that there would be some sort of device to keep unwanted pegasi out of bird feeders. However, some people dislike how I implemented it despite the show having far more convoluted magics available. I thought it would be funny if the seeds were believed to be aphrodisiacs, but apparently that's taking things too far for some people. I thought it made sense for Twilight, someone who would likely be accustomed to having access to the best of everything, given her station, to spring for the most expensive option by equating price with quality. I thought having her choice be something pegasi valued as a romantic gift was funny, but some people disagreed.
When all of that is complained about as "contrived", while the other issues with flow, build up, and execution aren't even mentioned, all I can really do is wonder why those things were what they chose to call me out on.
2382793
I did really like the language change though. When it's for birds it was a bird-feeder, when it was for Pegasi it was a snack-tube. : ) I still don't get the issue with Twilight wanting to 'watch' Rainbow eat, or why her buying 20 lbs of it is so significant, but hopefully that curiousity will be revealed to much amusement later.
Based on what you've revealed so far in story it makes sense, if pegasi like birdseed, then it's a good idea to distinguish between what is meant for pegasi and what is meant for birds. Now the why of someone setting out a pegasi bird-feeder is a bit more questionable, it would be kinda funny though to see a dozen pegasi lingering in the yard and waiting for someone to come fill the feeder. That's the only flaw in it I see, and it's not worth nitpicking much over as the comedy it brings out has been pretty good.
As for the seeds being aphrodisiacs? Meh, I don't see why that is a big deal. Realistically the seeds don't even need to have that property and just have the reputation as an aphrodisiac to trigger the effect. And its not like RD was trying to have sex with Twilight right after eating them or anything so its not like you were implying it to be a 'date Rape' seed or some junk like that. I guess they just wanna be picky about something that doesn't really matter because they can't think of anything else more important in the story to complain over? If so, then I kinda feel that to be a poisitive. : )
*sigh* I typed alot again...
2382587
I thought the original chapter was plenty amusing, and even if a few points were a slight stretch (like the princesses suddenly showing up, Dash dismissing Twilight's explanation about setting the feeder up for birds, or that it would be outlawed to sell the seeds to pegasi), they were generally easy to just accept, and "plot hole" might actually be too harsh for most of them. The one detail that felt to me that it actually hurt the story a little was why the seeds only disappeared when Twilight wasn't looking. Since it was clear that pegasi assume the seeds are meant for them if there's no pegasus shield, I didn't see why it seemed like they were being sneaky about it.
That would have been my only gripe about the first chapter, had I commented on it, and you explained that pretty effectively this chapter by saying that Rainbow Dash was embarrassed about the way she eats from a snack tube, and didn't want Twilight to see. And it's amusing that Dash now believes Twilight wanted to watch her eat the seeds, and pretty much explains the "three-tube" escalation as well. So I wouldn't worry too much about how the first chapter was received, if I were you. This story only has 8 down votes, remember, so it's doing pretty well.
2383233 Admittedly, my last few posts are kinda whiny. It's not my intention to seem quite so upset about all that. Unfortunately I let some of the stress from the past couple of weeks bleed through into my responses. Not quite as stressed out now, thankfully.
Honestly, I'm quite pleased with the actual positive response to the story. It's the most well-received of my stories thus far, despite any flaws I might notice. Really, I ought to apologize. It's not your responsibility as my readers to deal with my sour moods and it's outright bad form on my part to even be responding to comments when I know I'm in such a mood.
2382587
Okay, all good points and I understand that you are feeling frustrated about all those comments about your story being contrived when you're just trying to explore a possible world building idea. But however unfortunate it may be, your story is quite simply contrived.
The way you introduced a lot of elements to the story was too quick or unexplained. Take for example the way you brought Luna and Celestia into play. Why would they just pop up in the middle of the night to eat out of Twilight's bird feeder? For one they could have had hundreds of snack tubes prepared for them instantly, or at least very quickly, should they have so desired at the palace, and also how did they even know about it? Are they spying on Twi's place? These and a few other things are whats causing me to call this story contrived, hilarious too but I digress.
Anyway, like how you are trying to explore more world building in a way that I've never seen done before, and you are right, people have gotten away with a lot more stupid crap in their stories. Take wing boners for example, completely retarded. Their wings grow stiff and they can't move out of that position when aroused, how the hell do any of them survive puberty? Seriously, one look to long at a flank during flight and splat goes a pegasus.
Sorry for ranting, please don't feel discouraged by any negative comments or "critics".
2383588 Just ignore those last few posts. I've been quite stressed lately and it caught up to me. I had no intention of sounding so whiny. I have to apologize for letting my sour mood bleed into my comments. My readers shouldn't have to deal with my bad moods.
2385544
Hey man, feel free to rant. I don't have to read anything you write and so I can't really complain about the content when I do. And if it makes you feel better then do so, I can deal with it if it means more chapters of this story.
well, twilight is coping better than I would. I would have been reduced to hysterical screaming about two chapters ago
Lacking a space there.
Looks like a TwiJack ship.
2397113 Fixed. Thanks for catching that.
2397145 Interesting interpretation.
2399212
Indeed! Especially since I'm being serious.
2399235 I'm fairly certain I haven't so much as hinted at TwiJack. I'd love to know how you drew that conclusion.
2399241
Well, it seems set on shipping Twilight with someone, Fluttershy is too passive for anything, Rarity is too prone to trying to fulfill her romance fantasies to actually be reliable with her assistance, Pinkie is... Pinkie. Twilight respects Celestia too much for a romantic relationship.
Twilight is currently trying to deal with a somewhat forced set of dates with Luna and RD, neither of which seem very likely to be all that helpful either for obvious reasons, since they are the source of the problem, and Twilight really needs help in this current situation.
So, just saying, looks like it's being set up for Applejack or some such to try and help out Twilight with her current issue.
Or maybe Twilight won't get help and a three way ensues, either way, I'm happy.