Twilight gets a bird feeder in the hopes of studying local birds up close. What she gets instead is a day full of frustration as the bird feeder mysteriously empties whenever she looks away.
Twilight gets a feeder to study birds.
She also bought a ton of seeds for it.
While she's frustrated at the fact her supply seems to be disappearing into thin air, she's about to realize that she has a much bigger problem on hoof.
Twilight Sparkle. It was a name that evoked many varied descriptions. Studious, lavender, unicorn, bibliophile, researcher, magical, student, chemist, friend, single, etc. More importantly, at this very moment, she was concerned with the newest descriptive title that she had set her sights on; ornithologist.
Should one have asked “Why birds?”, Twilight would have replied at length about her newfound fascination with the interesting habit of the world’s cultures to ascribe various traits, be they mental or mystical, to specific species of birds. Owls, for example, are often attributed as beings of wisdom. In some areas the Anhinga is said to be capable of showing how delve into the depths of yourself and teaching how to chase your dreams and ambitions.
As noble an academic cause as studying the cultural influences of birds might be, the truth of the matter is that Twilight had actually just been unable to say no to Fluttershy.
“And did you know that, according Zecora’s elders, Bluebirds are supposedly a physical embodiment of both internal and external happiness?” Twilight’s expression brightened as the Bluebird that was perched on Fluttershy’s head chirped in agreement with her statement.
“Oh, that is fascinating, Twilight.” Fluttershy smiled pleasantly. “I didn’t realize you were so interested in birds. Have you ever thought of trying to study them up close instead of just looking at them in books?”
The unicorn’s expression fell as the realization struck. “You know, I never did think about that.”
Fluttershy’s eyes widened with excitement. “Oh, well I know the perfect way to get started.” She suddenly darted off upstairs. Twilight was certain that she heard the sounds of a pony rummaging through a closet full of, most likely unorganized, stuff. A few awkward moments passed before the pegasus returned to her guest.
Fluttershy placed her newest acquisitions on the the table with a visible amount of pride. Twilight courteously examined the items put before her. One was a simple plastic tube. It was mostly clear, the fully transparent sort, save for the red end-caps and the several small portals; each accentuated with a small peg. The tube was roughly as long as one of her legs and had a diameter approximately equal to the radius of her hoof. A tiny smirk crept onto her lips as she silently praised herself for the clever use of geometric description.
The second item was, sadly, less conducive for clever geometric adaptation. It was, quite plainly, a simple magazine. Still, the disappointingly diminutive aggregation of parallel surfaces made her friend’s intentions exceedingly clear. Twilight tore her gaze from the presented items and leveled it at the smiling pegasus. “You want me to set up a bird feeder?”
Indeed. Fluttershy had quite forcefully insisted that the easiest way to attract some birds for closer study was to provide them a service; specifically the offer of free food. After instructing Twilight to place the feeder near an accessible window and a very brief explanation of how to use the order form in the back of the bird-seed magazine to order food, she had sent Twilight on her way.
Well, except for that one last thing she had mentioned.
“Um, Twilight. You might want to order a pegasus shield when you buy your seed.”
Twilight was still confused by that statement. Unfortunately, every attempt she had made to inquire about why she would need whatever a “pegasus shield” was, only returned a series of small squeaks and incoherent mumbling from the shy pegasus. It was very strange. Twilight was certain that she had done nothing to embarrass Fluttershy. Well, nothing that she hadn’t already catalogued.
Be that as it may, she still had to go about the task of ordering some bird-seed. As interested as Fluttershy had been about her cultural studies of birds, Twilight had no doubt that her friend would soon be inquiring about what she had learned by studying the birds attracted by her newly-gifted bird feeder. Just as there had been no polite way to refuse the gift, there was simply no way to avoid at least attempting to study some birds with the thing. Few things were as awkward as having a friend discover that their gift was going unused.
Twilight paged through the bird supplies magazine’s seed section for the forty-second time; yes, she was keeping count. Having seen no particular information in any of the seed descriptions about what types of birds each seed would attract, she ultimately had come to the conclusion that the editor of said magazine needed to be fired. Even her few cursory glances at other product description had left the studious unicorn unable to glean any useful information about anything that was being sold.
Eventually her frustration with the informationless publication reached its limit. Twilight picked out what she assumed to be some sort of high-quality seed, at least based on the nearly exorbitant price, and filled out her order form. If this was worth spending a few bits on, then spending more than a few was bound to produce worthwhile results. Or so she hoped. At the very least, since this was tangentially related to keeping Fluttershy happy, and thus somewhat related to her currently assigned studies, she could write the expense off under the miscellaneous category in her Friendship Studies research grant’s monthly expense report.
Speaking of that, Twilight remembered that she still needed to thank Rarity for showing her just how many things can be covered by that lovely little expense category. She made a mental note to bring Rarity in as her financial advisor should she ever find herself serving in a bureaucratic position in Celestia’s royal court.
She took the completed order form, sealing it in an envelope along with the payment-slip, and trotted outside to place it into her mailbox.
It had taken a little over a week for the ordered seed to arrive. Minor complications with the company being unfamiliar with extracting payment from a government agency slowed the process considerably. Thankfully, a simple letter from Twilight was all that was necessary to grease the wheels of that transaction.
In the end, the delay had actually proven to be surprisingly beneficial. Twilight had made the near-mistake of ordering the seed before having located a suitable place to hang the feeder. The additional time had granted her her ample opportunity to not only locate the perfect branch, but also to install a proper observatory portal, a.k.a. window, next to it.
Sure there were numerous windows already stationed near branches around the library, but none of them quite managed to satisfy Twilight’s criteria. Either the observatory portal was directly facing the morning sun, directly facing the evening sun, lacked a suitably sturdy branch, lacked any branches at a suitable height, or was simply blocked off by a table that she refused to relocate. It may sound silly, but a lot of care went into Twilight’s choice placement of her tables. Each one was precisely placed next to a window that, with all variables accounted for, prevented the sun’s glare from interfering with her work at said table. Admittedly, she also just didn’t feel like moving the tables away from the walls.
All that aside, her newly fashioned avian study station was perfectly equipped for extended study periods. It allowed her easy access to the chosen branch, and by extension the feeder. There was a writing platform, complete with its own stock of parchment, quills, and ink, a comfy pillow so she didn’t have to sit on the bare floor, and a setting for a candle or lamp for night time observing should the chance present itself. Her favorite part of the whole design, however, was the new sliding glass panel design she had integrated. Instead of letting the observatory portal’s pane of glass swing open, she could simply slide it open or closed with her magic.
With everything in place, Twilight filled the feeder and placed it carefully on the specified branch. She took her place by the observatory portal and settled in.
The first few minutes passed by quickly as Twilight’s anticipation ran high. She watched intently with the same familiar type of focus she would place on a particularly good book. When half an hour had passed with nothing interesting happening, her resolution began to waver.
Twilight had made a particularly fatal mistake with her window placement that she was only just beginning to notice after her third hour of increasingly listless observation. She had managed to place it in a location that forbade her from observing anything of potential interest other than her bird feeder. There were no streets within view, no open areas where ponies might hang out or play, just the side of a neighbor’s house. Granted, that particular wall had a window, but it seemed that it always had the curtain drawn shut.
Twilight knew she was in trouble when she caught herself contemplating why she had lived in her current residence for over two years and had somehow managed to still have no idea who lived in the house next door. She had no choice but to admit that her current attempt at observation was a failure. With a dejected sigh and a shake of her head, Twilight stretched a bit before standing up.
A quick moment’s thought convinced her that it would likely be a good idea to satisfy her curiosity about her next door neighbor. After all, she had nothing else planned.
Twilight returned home after successfully meeting her neighbor. It was a rather embarrassing affair at first. Something about “Hi, I’ve been living next door for two years but never bothered to say hello.” not being a great way to start a conversation. Twilight made a mental note to ask Pinkie Pie about good ways to introduce herself to new ponies. She paused mid-step and promptly scratched out that note. She could think of much more productive ways to spend twelve hours.
She swiftly resumed her gait as the thought struck that she might as well check on her bird feeder. With a slightly renewed hope that her time away from watching the pot, so to speak, had given the local birds the opportunity to find the newly placed feeder and inform their friends, she made her way to her avian observatory.
What she found upon her arrival was quite a surprise. Not a single bird. Everything was still there, just the way she left it...
Twilight blinked a few times, just incase she might be hallucinating. Despite her honest hope that such was the case, she wasn’t. There was no mistaking it, the feeder was empty. Not the kind of ‘empty’ where a few seeds were still stuck inside, but actually completely empty.
She felt a small twitch in the corner of her eye. Twilight checked the time on a nearby clock only to discover that her meet-and-greet venture had taken her less than fifteen minutes. Somehow, in that short span of time, the local birds had managed to ransack her new feeder for the entirety of its contents.
It was at that very moment that she glimpsed the silver lining. Obviously, she had bought the right seed. And not just a bit of it, she had purchase twenty pounds of the stuff; mostly because the company she ordered from only sold in bulk. Indeed, if the seed she had acquired was this popular, surely she could simply fill the feeder back up and wait a few minutes for the birds to return for seconds.
A smile overtook her once gloomy expression as her body flowed with renewed vigor and excitement. Had there been any observers, they would have noticed the rather large spring in her gait. But since Spike was off at Rarity’s for the day, the was nopony around to giggle silently at Twilight’s filly-like exuberance.
She set to the task, refilling the feeder and placing it back on its branch. With a ready quill, she took her spot on the soft, fluffy pillow by the observatory portal. Her eyes eagerly scanned the visible area in hopes of catching a glimpse of a hungry bird. Twilight just had a good feeling that it was going to be an excellent day for study and observation.
It turned out that Twilight’s intuition was a liar.
Several atrociously boring hours passed by without a single bird stopping by. Twilight had long since given up hope of spotting a bird. Instead she had turned to a piece of literature in the hope that she might better be capable of identifying one of the non-existent avians that refused to partake of her goodwill.
With a frustrated groan she slammed the book closed, casting an angry glance at the undisturbed feeder. The tube of plastic glared back, taunting her with its fullness. Suddenly, a growl from her stomach reminded the unicorn that it was time for lunch. Once more she stretched away the stiffness that had accrued from her long session of sitting before making her way downstairs to the kitchen.
Upon her arrival, Twilight distinctly remembered that Spike, in his hurry to help Rarity, had neglected to make breakfast. That Twilight had been distracted with the delivery of her birdseed had resulted in her skipping her morning meal entirely. She definitely planned to make up for it. Even better that Spike wasn’t around to question her decision to gorge herself. Yes, Twilight was being a bad example. She often told Spike not to eat too much. But without him around to tease her, she could confidently eat her fill. Smugly, Twilight made herself a massive meal.
With her two daffodil and daisy sandwiches in tow, she made her way back to her fruitless observatory only to find the second shock of the day. It was empty, again.
Her eye twitched, again.
Suddenly, before she could even scream in frustration, Rainbow Dash appeared. The pegasus spotted her. Rainbow’s eyes darted to her gluttonous plate of sandwiches, then to the feeder, and finally back to Twilight.
“Hey, Twilight.” Rainbow casually remarked. “Your snack-tube thing is empty.”
It took longer than she cared to admit for Twilight to comprehend her friend’s comment. “Oh, the feeder. Yeah, that’s twice today it’s been empty.” She wasn’t certain, but she figured it was a safe assumption that her tone was more that a bit off-putting, given how the pegasus reacted.
Rainbow’s eyes shifted again. “You don’t say...”
Twilight lowered her head and sighed. She looked back up with a fresh smile. “I’m sorry, Rainbow. I’m just a bit frustrated right now.” she replied, making certain to use her normal tone. “You see, I got the feeder and set this little observing station up in the hope that I could study some of the local birds up close. Specifically, I want to try studying them when they are away from Fluttershy. For some reason, they all seem to act differently when she is around, which makes observational study quite difficult.”
“Wait,” Rainbow furrowed her brows, “you set this up for birds?”
“Yes.”
“Then why don’t you have a pegasus shield on it?”
Twilight gave the pegasus an incredulous look. “Why, exactly, would I need one of those?”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Well, duh. Birds near civilized areas won’t go near a snack-tube without a pegasus shield on it.”
“That...” Twilight paused momentarily as her brain refused to process the apparent leap in logic. “What?”
Rainbow shook her head in disbelief. “Come on, Twilight. I know you’re smarter than this.” She hovered over to the confused unicorn and placed a hoof on her shoulder. “I know telling jokes is fun and all, but maybe you should get some lessons from Pinkie before you go around embarrassing yourself like this.” Rainbow glanced back at the feeder. “Also, I’m pretty hungry. Are you gonna...” She motioned towards the feeder with her head.
Twilight’s eyes widened. In her hungry and confused state, managed to completely misinterpret the direction of Rainbow’s nods. She might be a good friend, but as frustrated and hungry as she was, there was no way she was sharing her sandwiches. “Sorry, I made these for me.” She promptly made a show of devouring her gluttonous meal in mere seconds.
Rainbow shied away from the suddenly gluttonous unicorn. “Uh, right... I think I’ll come back in a bit after you fill it up.” The swift pegasus lived up to her name and made a hasty escape.
Twilight groaned, her frustration was somehow now mixed with her confusion. She filled the feeder once more, though she notably lacked the enthusiasm that was present the first two times she had completed the task. She watched the filled container hang from the branch for a few seconds before taking her crumb-filled plate back down to the kitchen. After rinsing the plate off and placing it in the ‘to wash’ pile, Twilight made her way back to her newly-dubbed Observatory of Endless Frustration.
Upon her arrival, her eye twitched.
It was time to visit Fluttershy.
“And that’s why I’m here. Please tell me you can help.” Twilight pleaded, her hooves resting on her friend’s shoulders.
“Um, okay. M-maybe I can come over and see what’s going on.” The hooves on her shoulders swiftly wrapped around her neck as Twilight drew her into a hug that quite reminded her of the first time she agreed to go to one of Pinkie’s parties. A constant stream of “thank you, thank you, thank you.” filled her ears. It was actually a more pleasant response than she had expected. At least Twilight wasn’t hopping around with her while doing this.
It had become such a frequent occurrence that Twilight didn’t even notice her eye twitch when she looked at the empty feeder.
Fluttershy glanced at the empty feeder for but a moment. “Oh, that’s your problem. You don’t have a pegasus shield.” she answered matter-of-factly. “You see, if you don’t have a pegasus shield, then all the birds will just assume the feeder isn’t for them.”
“What!?”
Fluttershy ignored the sudden outburst and calmly opened the bag of seed. “Oh, my...” she gasped slightly. The meek pegasus’s eyes widened at the sight of the seeds. Without thinking, she pushed her nose in closer and took a deep breath. Her wings fidgeted briefly before popping open as the true depth of the smell overtook her. “Oh... my...”
Fluttershy swallowed once and shakily pulled her head away from the seeds. “T-Twilight, you, um, you were using... this?”
Twilight arched a brow in confusion at her friend’s behavior. “Um, yes. Is that a problem?”
Fluttershy leveled the most serious gaze Twilight had ever seen at her. “Twilight, this is a very special type of seed grown specifically for pegasi. I-it is an absolute delicacy for us. It is quite possibly the single tastiest thing a pegasus can eat.”
“Then how come I’ve never seen a pegasus eat that stuff before? How come I’ve never even heard of this?”
“W-well, the p-princess put a law into place a long time ago that forbade ponies from selling these seeds to pegasi. It...” Fluttershy hesitated, “It got so bad at one point, before that law, that pegasi were eating these seeds to the exclusion of everything else. The drastic demand shift nearly ruined the food industry in Equestria.”
Twilight shook the dumbfounded expression from her face. “Again, how have I never heard of this?”
Fluttershy’s head shifted, hiding some of her face behind her mane. “I-I don’t know, all pegasi learn about it so that we know about these seeds and their danger if we aren’t careful around them.”
“Okay, whatever. I can ask the princess about it later. Can you at least tell me why something so potentially dangerous is even being sold at all? And for an entirely unrelated matter, what good is a pegasus shield?” Twilight’s desire for actual answers was growing rapidly.
Fluttershy’s cheeks slowly reddened as she answered. “Oh, that’s because it’s still a used as a romantic gift. Since only non-pegasi can purchase it, it’s often considered a very... intimate gift for a non-pegasus to give their, um, very-special-somepony. Well, if that somepony is a pegasus, of course.” The slightly flustered pegasus readjusted her posture as her embarrassment vanished. “And a pegasus shield is a magical device that reacts to our innate pegasus magic and prevents us from getting at the seed in a snack-tube... I mean bird feeder.” She fidgeted slightly. “We, um, really like the taste of seeds.”
Finally, a sensible answer. “Well, that makes-”
Surprisingly, the blushing pegasus interrupted Twilight. “Also, those seeds are a mild aphrodisiac to pegasi.” Twilight’s mouth remained agape for an undetermined amount of time leaving both ponies desperately hoping that something would break the sudden, awkward silence.
At that very moment, Rainbow Dash flew into the room. “Hey, Twi, you gonna refill that snack-tube?” Twilight immediately noticed her newly-arrived friend’s wings twitching. “Also, are you doing anything tonight?”
Twilight’s horn lit up as she encased the now dubiously-dubbed Love Seed... She paused mid-stride as she inwardly cringed at the name. She would have to come up with something less prone to innuendo later. She resumed her trot as she exited the room. “That’s it, I’m getting a pegasus shield...” She glanced back towards Rainbow Dash who responded with a decidedly saucy waggle of her brows, “now.”
A sudden flash of light danced against Twilight’s closed eyelids. Sleepily, she forced one open to see what was going on. It was unusual, but she had, at least once, received a royal missive in the dead of night. Apparently Luna could use Spike’s Delivery Service.
What the drowsy unicorn was not expecting was the sight of the royal sisters in her bedroom. After a brief moment of shock, reality set in, followed by panic. Twilight scrambled about in a manner that her present company found rather adorable. The younger sibling giggled inaudibly to herself at the sight.
“Princess Celestia! Princess Luna!” Twilight exclaimed. Spike rolled over in his basket, mumbling something about being noisy before returning to the realm of dreams.
“Twilight Sparkle, my most faithful student. I trust you are well?” Celestia asked, her warm tone washed over the tired unicorn, putting her at ease.
“For the most part.” Twilight replied, punctuating her reply with a yawn. “Please tell me there’s not some kind of catastrophe threatening to destroy the world. I’m too tired to deal with another potential apocalypse right now.”
The serene smile of her mentor brought a wave of relief. “Rest easy, for there are no world-ending disasters this night, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna answered. “We have simply come to ask thee a favor.”
Before Twilight could respond, Celestia’s horn lit up. Surrounded in the golden glow of the sun’s magic, Twilight’s bird feeder was placed gently on her bed. Suddenly, Twilight was overwhelmed by an indescribable emotion. Was it more confusion?
Celestia spoke up. “Could you please take off this pegasus shield? It’s keeping us from getting to the delectable seeds you filled it with.”
She had been enjoying a peaceful night of sleep when the most unlikely of intrusions had stripped her from her dreamland reverie involving a world made entirely of books... sans herself, of course: somepony had to read them after all.
“Twilight Sparkle, is something the matter?” The serene tone of her mentor’s voice adjusted the focus of Twilight’s mind to the situation at hoof. “You seem distracted.”
The unicorn’s gaze fell to the source of all her problems that day: the bird feeder in her lap. Such a simple device. She knew it was not truly the thing to blame... that would be the seeds that filled it. Had rational thought played any part in the blame-game, Twilight would have thought to blame her lack of diligence in researching the seeds she had ordered.
Regardless of where the blame fell, the situation was such: Twilight’s bedroom had been invaded in the middle of the night by the ruling sisters of Equestria in their hope that they might procure the apparently tasty seeds within the bird feeder. Somehow, the pegasus shield – a device intended to keep pegasi out of bird feeders by way of a selective barrier that only reacted to the innate magic of a pegasus – had managed to prove an obstacle for the royal sisters.
Twilight's gaze rose to meet her mentor’s. “Princess, why do you need my help to get to the seeds? I thought that device would only block pegasus magic?”
Celestia simply beamed a warm smile at her student. “Ah, but half the fun of a snack tube is eating directly from it. Using our unicorn magic would lessen enjoyment of the experience.”
The now-familiar twitch returned to Twilight’s eye. “Alright, but why do you two want these seeds? I was told they were a delicacy for pegasi and that they were...” The unicorn was thankful that the night’s darkness did much to hide her sudden blush.
Celestia tilted her head, as a look of mild curiosity spread across her face. “They are what?”
“Dear sister, I believe your student is alluding to the aphrodisiacal effects of the hippocrene seeds.” Luna interjected. “That is, if her flushing cheeks are any indication.” Twilight silently nodded in affirmation as her embarrassment escalated. She wondered whether Luna simply had superior eyesight in the dark or if she was blushing so fiercely that anypony could see it.
Curiosity shifted to confusion on the alabaster mare’s countenance. “Hippocrene seeds have no such quality. Luna, surely you recall when we used to snack on them daily.” The nighttime mare nodded. “Even then, I suffered no increase in my libido.”
Even in the poor lighting, Twilight noticed the growing smirk on Luna’s face. “Funny that ye wouldst make such a claim whence ye doth refer to the time when ye decreed that your royal guard should only consist of stallions.”
Twilight was certain that she had never witnessed Princess Celestia acting nervous. It was a strange thing to see a pony known far and wide for her calm and confidence suddenly fidgeting like a filly trying to confess a foalhood crush.
Celestia let out a nervous laugh. “I assure you that had nothing to do with my decision.”
“Princess?”
Twilight’s voice snapped the nervous mare back into her normal posture. “Yes, Twilight?”
“If these seeds are so dangerous, why do you even allow them to be grown and sold?”
“Dangerous?” the royal sisters asked in tandem.
Twilight sighed. Answers never seemed to come easy for her. Still, this would be her best chance to get to the bottom of this whole mess. “Fluttershy told me that these seeds taste so good that at one point pegasi tried to eat nothing else, nearly causing an economic collapse in the Equestrian food sector.”
Twilight had not expected the sisters to burst out laughing.
After their fit of laughter waned, Celestia responded. “I see pegasi are still fans of historical revisionism.”
The lavender unicorn’s face scrunched in confusion. “Historical revisionism? You mean that isn’t true?”
“All good lies bear a strand of truth, Twilight Sparkle. The supposed issue with the seeds was confined entirely to Cloudsdale.” Celestia chuckled. “You see, at some point, the pegasi there decided they wanted to mimic the upper-class style of Canterlot’s unicorns. Their idea of upper-class involved only eating high-quality, expensive foods. Given the qualities of those seeds, they immediately latched onto the idea of a hippocrene seed exclusive diet.”
Twilight listened intently as the truth was revealed to her.
“After a few months, they discovered that hippocrene seeds, for all their taste, lack any real form of nutrition.” Celestia continued. “Unfortunately, they were quite stubborn and many were unwilling to sacrifice their arbitrary social status for the sake of nutrition. In the end, I had to ban the sale of hippocrene seeds to pegasi just to keep them from eating their way into starvation.”
Twilight was dumbstruck. The mere concept that one could think a single food could encompass a healthy diet was just silly. The fact that an entire city had taken months to notice a rampant case of malnutrition was beyond belief. But the most absurd thought was that ponies could be more concerned about social status than about their own health.
After a few moments of silence as Twilight’s brain came to terms with the combination of hilarity and stupidity that she had been exposed to, she spoke up. “So, you two didn’t come here as part of some crazy plan to eat a bunch of aphrodisiacal seeds in my bedroom that would involve me sandwiched between the two of you?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
Luna and Celestia paused for but a moment before their gazes met.
“Luna...” Twilight was quick to recognize Celestia’s tone of disappointment. “Do you mean to tell me that you tagged along thinking this was some sort of attempt to make Twilight Sparkle our royal consort?”
After a moment’s hesitation, Luna replied. “If I say no, will I be spared your wrath?”
Twilight’s eye twitched. She briefly wondered if she was developing some kind of nervous reaction that was causing it. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sudden flush of heat spreading throughout her body. She was certain she had never felt so embarrassed before. Before her mind could drift to contemplating the possibility of a full-body blush, the sound of a hoof meeting a forehead drew her attention.
Celestia sighed as she removed her hoof from her face. “Luna, we did not come here to provide intimate, personal instruction about sexual activity to Twilight Sparkle. I just wanted a snack!” The diarch of the day surprised even herself with her sudden exclamation.
“Ugg, fine!” Spike shouted, breaking the tense mood before it could settle in. “If it means getting some uninterrupted sleep, I’ll go make you all something.” The little dragon hopped out of his basket and made his way towards the stairs while grumbling incoherent curses under his breath.
Celestia’s head dipped as a show of her apology. “I am sorry, Twilight Sparkle. I never meant to cause you such a disturbance.”
“It would seem that now is a bad time for us to be here.” Luna added. The sisters nodded to each other as their horn lit with power.
“You should stay for a bit!” Twilight interjected. “Spike would be really upset if you left before eating his snacks.” The glow of power ceased.
“Very well, Twilight Sparkle. While we wait, perhaps thou mayst inform us as to thy preferred method of being ravished.” Luna replied casually. The younger sister shifted uncomfortably as Celestia’s stare bore into her.
Twilight’s embarrassment forced her eyes down to her lap. “W-well, if I had to choose...” Her lips continued moving but nary a whisper escaped.
“Couldst thou speak up?”
A tiny squeak preceded any response. Twilight suddenly had a very good idea of what it felt like to be Fluttershy.
“As adorable a sound as that was, it does not answer our question.” Luna replied.
The younger sister made a noticeable effort to avoid her sister’s gaze. “I was merely trying to learn more about her. Surely your student would have an endless stream of suitors vying for her attention. With as much experience as she must have, I see no harm in inquiring about her intimate preferences.”
The solar mare sighed heavily before leveling a cynical gaze at the nighttime mare. “Luna, you’re still a terrible liar.”
Twilight raised her head at the odd remark. Luna appeared to have frozen in place. Whether the younger sister was actually shocked at the accusation, or if she was simply bad at acting, Twilight wasn’t entirely certain; at first. Between Luna’s swiftly averted gaze and the nervous pursing of her lips, Twilight’s list of conclusions narrowed to one.
“W-well, I was informed that it was perfectly acceptable to discuss one’s lascivious encounters with your friends.” Luna replied in a bid to regain her conversational integrity. “Twilight Sparkle is my friend, and I can think of nopony more suited to teaching me about modern sexual practices.”
Celestia smirked. “My student, who has managed to misinterpret being asked out on a date as a request for help studying for a test?” The solar mare could almost hear her sister’s empty bravado deflating like a popped balloon.
“Your snacks are on the table downstairs,” the young dragon suddenly growled. The three mares watched him as he plodded methodically over to his basket-bed. He grumpily hopped in and wrapped himself in his blanket.
The three mares nodded silently to one another and made their way to the lower floor of the library-turned-home.
Upon arriving at the aforementioned table, Luna promptly dug into the plate of snacks. Twilight was surprised by the complete lack of table manners as Luna greedily consumed the contents of the plate.
“Luna...” Celestia paused briefly, hoping her call would distract her sister from her rather uncouth behavior. The solar princess could only sigh when Luna continued her gorging. “Can you at least leave some for me?”
Moments later, the midnight mare withdrew from the plate. A single piece of food was all that remained of Spike’s effort. “As ye hast requested, sister, I have left ye a piece of the dragon’s offering to my night.” Luna spoke with a pleased expression.
Celestia’s horn lit as she claimed the remaining morsel for herself. “Luna, that was a plate of snacks for us, not an offering to request pleasant dreams.” she replied with a disappointed shake of her head.
“If ye wish to misinterpret his generous gift to me as such, then by all means, help yourself.”
Celestia narrowed her gaze before making a show of devouring the last snack, chewing it slowly as if she was making a point.
“Well, now that that’s done, I think I’ll be going back to bed,” Twilight spoke. Without waiting for a response, she turned around and tried to slink off towards the stairs. Unfortunately, a dark blue leg thwarted her escape.
“We cannot allow thee to sleep alone on such a cold night. Allow us to keep thee warm tonight, dearest Twilight.” Twilight squeaked once more as Luna pulled her close and gently draped a wing over her.
“Luna, just stop.” Celestia reached out with her magic, relieving her student of the unwanted embrace. “I do not mind if you wish to stay and talk with Twilight Sparkle but I am not going to let you force your way into her bed, even if all you want to do is cuddle.”
Twilight took the opportunity to put room between herself and the unexpectedly intimate princess.
“And what of Twilight Sparkle’s desires?” Luna countered. Twilight turned around to find the sisters’ faces mere inches from each other. “Who art ye to say with whom she may consort?”
Celestia’s gaze turned harsh as she narrowed the gap with her sister, her hoofsteps punctuated with sparks of magic. The solar mare reared her head back before slamming it forward; her sister followed suit, mimicking her actions perfectly. Their horns collided in a flashy spray of magical sparks. The sisters pressed their horns firmly against the other’s. “I would have little say if you were pursuing her properly instead of making the decision without letting her voice her own opinion!” she exclaimed, her voice rising to nearly a shout.
“Fine!” Luna responded with equal volume. Without breaking the physical deadlock with Celestia, she called to Twilight, “Twilight Sparkle, art thou interested in having a romantic partner?”
The unicorn blinked twice before the question sank in. “Yes.” The answer came without a single thought of the possible consequences. It may have been the truth, but even as the word left her lips, Twilight was uncertain if the truth was the best answer to give at this moment. Twilight swiftly appended her statement, “Though, I’d prefer a stallion.”
The royal sisters relaxed. “Very well, Twilight Sparkle. May we assume that thou doth wish to be pursued through normal channels?” Luna asked, not turning to face the lavender unicorn.
“Um, yes...” Twilight replied, her tone reflected her uncertainty.
Luna craned her neck around to flash a gentle smile at Twilight. “Then, we shall respect thy wishes.” She turned back to her sister. “Satisfactory?”
The tension melted away from Celestia’s face leaving a gentle smile behind. “It’s a start.” The diarch of the sun shifted her gaze to her student. “I’m sorry for causing you such a ruckus while you were asleep. We will take our leave for now.” The familiar warm glow of power surrounded the royal siblings. “Goodnight, Twilight Sparkle.” With that simple farewell and a flash of light, the tired unicorn mare quietly slipped upstairs and back into bed.
Eventually, a peaceful sleep found her allowing the long day’s trials to dissolve away into the past.
Twilight groaned as her mind slowly slipped from the realm of peace and solitude back into the dreaded waking world. As the fog of sleep slowly lifted from her mind she became acutely aware of the additional presence in her bed.
She found herself facing the unfortunate choice between opening her eyes to find out who was trespassing and simply rolling over and going back to sleep.
A few moments passed.
With a noise somewhere between a growl and a groan she twisted her body around in hopes of getting a look at the unfortunate soul who had dared disturb her linen sanctuary.
There was no amnesty in her heart this morning.
Twilight forced her eyes open. Laying next to her – under the covers no less – was a familiar rainbow-maned pegasus.
“Hey, Twilight.” Rainbow smiled nervously. “I was waiting for you to get up and I got a bit chilly...” The pegasus shrunk back from the now glaring gaze of Twilight. A slight blush spread across the brash pegasus’ face. “So... I just figured you wouldn’t mind a little extra warmth while you slept in.”
“Rainbow–”
“Look, I’m sorry about yesterday, alright.” the pegasus swiftly interrupted. “I don’t know what I did that made you mad, but I’m sorry!”
Twilight’s expression softened. “Rainbow, it’s nice to hear that you’re sorry, but a blanket apology doesn’t really feel sincere.” Twilight sat up, gently nudging her visitor with a hoof to hint that she should follow suit. Rainbow obliged but chose to keep her head down. “I think it would be good for both of us if I explained why I stormed out yesterday.”
Rainbow Dash nodded without raising her gaze.
“I went through a lot of trouble to get that feeder set up just right. First, I had trouble getting the seeds ordered which required a formal letter to be written to the vendor explaining how to do their job in actually charging my account. I mean, it isn’t that difficult to requisition funds from my stipend account, but those ponies acted like they’d never done business with a pony using a royal stipend account before!” It may have been early, relatively speaking eleven in the morning was early for Twilight depending on her study schedule, but she could already feel herself gearing up for a full and proper rant.
“So, between that whole fiasco delaying my order and the bureaucratic garbage I had to go through just to install a new window, the whole thing went from a simple project into a week’s worth of work! Do you know what I had to go through to put that window there? I had to get approval from three different places just to install a window!” Twilight’s average volume was beginning to escalate.
“Why–”
“Because I don’t technically own this place!” The unicorn snapped before Rainbow could form a complete question. “When I first moved here, the Princess had issued a temporary requisition of this building for the duration of my stay as the overseer of the Summer Sun Celebration. When she decided to let me stay in Ponyville, nopony thought to file any permanent requisition, so I’ve technically been living in a government owned facility without anypony actually telling me that the proper paperwork hadn’t been filed to grant me ownership of the building!” Twilight leaned in close to Rainbow prompting the pegasus to lean away, “So when the mayor showed up at my door asking why I was attempting to modify the library without filing for permission, I was less than enthused by the situation.”
“Um, Twilight...”
If Twilight had noticed Rainbow attempting to grab her attention, she did not show it. “In the end I had to get the Princess to come here and personally sort things out.” The unicorn pulled back as she lifted a hoof to tap her chin. “Although it was nice to see her for an unplanned visit. She even brought her tea set with her.” The edges of her lips crept slowly upward into a smile.
“Uh, Twilight?”
The sound of her name ripped the reminiscing unicorn from her delightful reverie. “Oh, right. So, I set up the observation area by the window so that I could take notes while the feeder was being used. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to watch a single thing. I sat there for hours hoping to take some manner of notes on colorations, or wing movements, or eating habits; all to no avail!” she shouted. “For some reason you,” a lavender hoof jabbed Rainbow’s chest, “decided to only come out to eat when I wasn’t looking!”
“Hey, it’s not like I knew you wanted to watch!” Rainbow’s wings flared out. “It’s kinda embarrassing eating out of a snack tube.” Her wings fell back to her sides as a small blush set in. “I didn’t think you’d want to see me looking so awkward.”
Watching the brash pegasus deflate into a shy, almost defensive posture washed all of Twilight’s anger away. It was a rare sight for Rainbow Dash to act submissively, never mind the chances of seeing her blush. As frustrated as she was with the pegasus for wasting her time, Twilight realized that shouting at her wasn’t going to help.
Two lavender forelegs reached out and pulled the blushing pegasus into a sudden embrace. “It’s fine, Rainbow. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” Twilight felt the soft touch of feathers brushing against her sides and back. She cast a glance down to see Rainbow’s wings slowly wrapping around her.
It was warm.
Twilight’s ear twitched at the sudden warmth of Rainbow’s breath as the pegasus leaned in to whisper. “Yeah, well we could always repeat the experiment if you really need those observations.”
Twilight flicked her ear twice, hoping that the action would discourage the soft muzzle from hovering so close. “I’m going to have to pass for now. I have something I need to catch up on.” The excuse slipped out before Twilight even recognized that Rainbow had started gently nuzzling a sensitive spot at the base of her ear. “Very important... magical research study for Princess Celestia!”
The pegasus pulled back from her nuzzling to meet Twilight’s gaze. Suddenly, the studious unicorn became acutely aware of the temperature as the warmth began to fade from the base of her ear. “Well, at least let me stick around and keep you warm.” The pegasus’ gaze slipped to a half lidded expression as the corners of her lips curled upwards. “I can totally be a distraction, you know.”
“Yes, I know. That’s why I’d like some time to myself, Rainbow.”
The pegasus blinked. Her eyes swiftly shot open as she realized her error. “Wait, that came out wrong!” she quickly exclaimed. “I mean I won’t be a distraction!”
Twilight smirked. “Well, you’re being pretty distracting right now.” Rainbow’s mouth began to move but Twilight continued speaking, interrupting the pegasus before a single sound could escape. “Please, Rainbow. I just need some time alone. I promise we can hang out later.”
Rainbow Dash frowned and let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine.” She retracted her wings. Twilight shivered at the sensation of the cold air rushing in to fill the once insulated void around her. “If you want to be alone, I can leave.”
Twilight watched as her friend made an exit through the nearby window. Another shiver ran down her spine.
The next few hours had passed by in a flash.
While there was no actual magical research report for Princess Celestia, Twilight had still mostly managed to enjoy her time alone.
Mostly, because of two particular things. The first was when Spike had tried to shirk his daily chores by claiming that Owlowiscious had agreed to do them. It didn’t take Twilight long to extract the truth, however. It turned out that Spike had promised to give the Cutie Mark Crusaders a cooking lesson; then he started mumbling about sweet-something-or-other. Regardless, Twilight worked out a compromise with Spike which earned her some genuine alone time for the day.
The second thing was that she couldn’t help wondering why Rainbow Dash had been acting so strangely. She certainly wasn’t known to be the affectionate type. Thoughts about those warm wings and soft nuzzles had been distracting Twilight all day.
Before she could ponder the situation any further, there was a sudden bright flash behind her. Twilight wheeled around, her horn flaring with magic, ready to greet the unexpected visitor with a show of force if necessary. That notion died as soon as her eyes settled on the magnificent form of the Princess of the Night.
“Luna!?” Twilight’s magic dimmed to nothing as she tried to process what was happening.
“Greetings, Twilight Sparkle!” The princess exclaimed happily. “We are here to court thee according to proper Equestrian traditions!”
Twilight’s eye twitched.
This was not what she had expected. Granted, she wasn’t quite sure what she had been expecting Luna to do after her visit the previous night. Her mind raced for any possible excuse to slow things down. Thankfully, she remembered to leave herself a way. Twilight smiled. “If you recall, Luna, I had specified that I prefer stallions.”
The midnight mare’s horn flared to life, followed by another bright flash. Now, standing next to Luna was a familiar sight. Luna had summoned one of her bat-winged pegasi. With a grand smile befitting her enthusiasm, Luna dashed Twilight’s attempt at dismissing her. “We remembered thy preference, dearest Twilight. That is why we have have brought thee our esteemed captain for thy personal use, as per Royal Equestrian Law, Proclamation Twelve!”
Twilight’s confidence faltered. She was no expert on Equestrian law, much less the ancient laws enacted centuries ago. In truth, she had no idea what Luna was referring to. “Um, Luna... I’m not familiar with that proclamation.”
The princess cleared her throat. “Proclamation twelve: The position of Royal Consort to a ruling Equestrian Princess, is neither a station of power nor a reward unto itself. It is to be considered, legally, a job that requires a commitment of time and, should the Princess(es) desire it, relocation to Equestria’s capital for the term of service. As a government employee, the consort is entitled to all appropriate benefits, sans regular salary. Should the consort require currency, the consort must requisition it from the Princess(es) the consort serves on a case by case basis. In lieu of a salary, as normal expenses will be handled by the Princess(es), the consort is entitled to a compensatory gift for the consort’s time and service to be agreed upon before his or her service begins.”
Twilight’s head tilted to the side as she tried to process Luna’s mimicking of the legalese likely found within the proclamation. It was odd that Luna thought one was supposed to pronounce a parenthesis. The slightly befuddled mare shook her head before focusing her gaze on the giddy princess before her. “So, are you saying that your guard captain is my compensation should I agree to become your consort?”
“Correct.”
“Isn't that a form of slavery?” Twilight retorted.
“Nay, tis voluntary service. Proclamation twelve, subsection (b): Should material compensation prove inadequate, the voluntary service of one or more officers of the Equestrian Royal Guard may be offered.”
“Uh...” Twilight hesitated briefly. “Could you explain that without sounding like a legal document?”
A small giggle escaped Luna’s lips. “Of course. Our captain has volunteered to be thy personal romantic partner as compensation for thou becoming our romantic partner.”
“That’s... not what I was expecting.”
Luna’s smile flipped to a frown as her brow furrowed. “Why not? We agreed to pursue thee through normal channels.”
“By ‘normal’ I thought you meant actually trying to court me with gifts, poems, and going out on dates.” Twilight retorted. Secretly, she was proud of herself. She knew that Luna would be too busy to make time to–
“Very well!”
Twilight’s eye twitched.
“We shall return in two days time with poetry and gifts befitting thy station as our sister’s protege. Upon our return we shall allow thee to conduct a date as thee sees fit!” the midnight mare exclaimed. Twilight couldn’t help but notice the similarity of Luna’s current expression to that of the one she wore when she discovered the offerings of candy left for her at the old Nightmare Moon statue on Nightmare Night.
Before Twilight could formulate a response, Luna had closed the gap between them. The princess looked down at her with a gentle gaze as her muzzle drew close to Twilight’s. Slowly, their lips met.
No matter how she tried, Twilight couldn’t seem to break her eyes away from Luna’s gentle gaze. Something soft and warm brushed against Twilight’s lips. The sensation repeated several times, as though this thing was asking permission to enter, asking her lips to open. Without thinking, Twilight obliged.
Luna pressed deeper into the kiss as her tongue began its exploration of the new territory it had found. The alicorn’s tongue danced with exotic motions learned through years of practice. It playfully teased Twilight’s tongue to join in its merry dance. The lavender unicorn moaned in pleasure as she accepted the dance request.
Twilight lost track of how long she had been kissing Luna. When the midnight mare finally pulled back, Twilight was left with conflicting feelings. On one hoof, she had absolutely not wanted to be kissed. One the other hoof, it felt really good. Before she could even attempt to reconcile her feelings, the Princess of the Night had vanished with only a sultry wink as her farewell.
Once more, Twilight sat alone in her library. She could only try to ponder what she would do next.
In an instant, Twilight knew that her fashionista friend was her best chance for help. Rarity was always checking out tacky romance novels, and Twilight was confident that her current situation could easily pass for the plot of such a work: A ‘lonely’, bookish mare suddenly finds herself as the target of a princess’ undeterred romantic desires. Twilight was fairly certain Rarity had checked out a book with that exact synopsis at some point. Consulting Rarity for help in this matter would be akin to asking Applejack about some apple-related conundrum. At the very least, things couldn’t get any worse.
With renewed vigor and a perfect plan, Twilight set out to Carousel Boutique.
After a nice, relaxing walk through the streets of Ponyville – which most observers had likely confused for a panicked dash – Twilight found herself at her destination. The bookish unicorn took a moment to catch her breath. Walking had taken more out of her than she had expected.
Once her breathing had normalized she raised a hoof and gave a series of solid knocks. It wasn’t long before the door opened.
Rarity stepped out of the entryway, partially closing it behind her. She turned to face her fellow unicorn with a delighted smile. “Oh, Twilight, darling, to what do I owe the pleasure?”
Twilight looked around to make sure nopony was paying her any unnecessary attention. To her dismay, there were a number of ponies watching her with curiosity. She turned to Rarity and leaned close. “Can we talk inside? It’s a very private issue and I need your help,” she whispered.
“Oh, of course, darling.” The fashionista reopened the door, motioning for Twilight to follow as she slipped inside. Twilight entered, making sure to close the door behind her.
Once inside, Twilight made an uncomfortable observation. Specifically, Rainbow Dash was there, seated on a couch with cushions a shade of blue similar to her coat. Beside the couch was a fancy wooden coffee table covered in a set of trays, cups, plates, and a single tea pot. Judging by the amount of crumbs, this was a meeting that had been going for a while.
The pegasus noticed Twilight’s entrance and almost immediately began fidgeting. Notably, her wings made a single, small flapping motion without leaving her sides. Twilight couldn’t help but find the action rather cute.
Twilight slid up next to Rarity and whispered harshly, “Rarity! I said I needed to talk to you in private.”
“About what?” the fashionista replied with a whisper.
Twilight’s ears fell flat against her head as a small blush spread across her face – the memories of her recent kiss surfacing. “R-romance,” she forced out, keeping her voice to a whisper.
Twilight immediately recognized the gleam in Rarity’s eyes, but was unable to stop what happened next. Rarity raised her voice to a normal volume, her tone resembling the one she used when teasing a certain apple farmer. “Well, what a coincidence, Twilight,” – a sly grin crept onto her lips – “Rainbow Dash was here to ask for my help with precisely that same matter.” Rainbow began blushing fiercely, and her gaze turned down to lock squarely on her front hooves. The pegasus’ reaction proved enough of a distraction for Twilight that Rarity continued setting up her plan unhindered. “Twilight, darling, why don’t you take a seat with Rainbow while I take a moment to put some fresh tea on.”
And with that, Twilight had been abandoned by her only hope. She sighed. With nothing else to do, she trotted over and took a seat next to Rainbow Dash. The sudden presence next to her snapped Rainbow out of her stupor; her blush faded quickly.
“I don’t think Rarity is coming back until we talk about something...” Twilight offered. She hoped that Rainbow might carry the conversation so that she wouldn’t have to talk to Rainbow about her embarrassing conundrum with Princess Luna. It wasn’t that she disliked talking to Rainbow; far from it. Rainbow just wasn’t the best when it came to actually thinking before acting and that wasn’t a trait Twilight needed in an advisor at the moment.
“Look, Twilight, I’m really sorry for messing things up yesterday,” Rainbow replied. “I know you went through all that trouble to set that little window area up and you bought all that seed, but I was just so afraid that you’d think I was uncool if you saw how I eat from a snack-tube that I just waited until you left...” The pegasus paused – her gaze fell to her hooves once more – “I’m really sorry, Twilight.”
Twilight watched as her friend’s wings drooped with her head. She knew without a doubt that Rainbow was being sincere. She also knew that this would make a great letter to the Princess. It was time to be a good friend!
Twilight reached a foreleg around Rainbow and pulled her into a hug. “Don’t worry about it, Rainbow. I overreacted a bit too. Let’s just put all that behind us.”
“Yeah, okay.” A cerulean wing wrapped around Twilight, pulling the two ponies tighter together as Rainbow nuzzled her head firmly under Twilight’s chin.
For the second time this day, Twilight found herself baffled by Rainbow’s sudden desire for physical closeness. It was almost as if—
“Well, I’m glad you two were able to work that out so quickly,” Rarity derailed Twilight’s train of thought as she reappeared in the room. The white unicorn took a seat on her favorite red couch across the table from the two snuggling ponies. “The tea will be done shortly,” she added.
A few silent moments passed. Twilight wasn’t certain how, but Rainbow had managed to squirm even closer.
“Rainbow, darling, perhaps now would be a good time to take care of what we talked about earlier,” Rarity suddenly prompted.
The pegasus jostled slightly at the suggestion. To Twilight’s chagrin, the pegasus made no effort to reposition herself. “Oh, yeah. So, um, Twi...” she hesitated, “I’m not much for outdated traditions, but I guess it makes sense that a well read pony like you would actually know about using snack tubes to ask me out.”
And just like that, Twilight was lost.
Rainbow continued, “I’m a bit surprised you didn’t ask for a feather, honestly.”
“Well, given your penchant for research and study, and what Rainbow told me about you wanting to make observations, I’m not at all surprised you opted for that method,” Rarity commented. “Although, if you ask me, the feather is a much more romantic gesture.” She released a sigh as her mind drifted off toward thoughts of romance.
“Wait, what feather?” Twilight interjected.
Rainbow giggled, something Twilight found strangely cute. “Mine, duh,” the pegasus replied as though the answer was obvious. “Still, it’s a shame we kinda wasted all those seeds.”
“Who cares about that,” Twilight scoffed, earning a pair of confused looks from her friends. “I ordered twenty pounds of them. It’s not like I’m going to run out–”
“You bought twenty pounds?!” her friends exclaimed in unison.
Rarity swiftly composed herself while adopting a mischievous expression. “Oh my! I hope you were planning on telling me about your honeymoon. I have all sorts of, ahem, helpful items for the bedroom I can lend you. Naturally, I expect full details on what happens.”
“Um, yes, I did order in bulk...” Twilight replied nervously. “But what honeymoon–”
Rainbow suddenly dislodged herself from her comfy position. Her gaze met Twilight’s as her wings flared out to the sides. Twilight was briefly aware of how cold it was without her feathery blanket before Rainbow stole her attention. “Twilight... I had no idea...” she hesitated slightly before she reached forward with both forelegs, embracing Twilight in rib-crushing hug. “Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!” The pegasus squeezed even tighter as Twilight felt the air slowly being forced from her lungs.
Twilight managed to find enough breath to respond. “Rainbow... can’t... breathe...”
Rainbow Dash snapped from her reverie and released the unicorn from her suffocating embrace. “Oops, sorry.” A small, embarrassed laugh followed.
Once Twilight had found her breath, she brought her gaze back to meet Rainbow’s. The pegasus wore a smile that grew wider and wider with every passing second. Before Twilight could respond, Rainbow started talking again.
“Oh, Twi, I know I was probably oblivious before, but now that I know how you feel... how you really feel about me, of course I’ll accept!” Rainbow exclaimed happily.
“Accept wha–” Suddenly, Twilight found Rainbow’s lips pressing against her own. She felt a rush of warmth in her cheeks as her eyes widened in response to the bold move. Twilight waited, expecting Rainbow’s tongue to brush across her lips as Luna had done earlier. It never happened. Rainbow pulled back from the kiss much sooner than Twilight had expected. Instead of retreating completely, however, Rainbow snuck back in and planted a soft peck on Twilight’s nose. Twilight squeaked in surprise.
Finally, Rainbow pulled away completely, leveling a soft, caring expression at Twilight. The stunned unicorn could only stare back helplessly as her brain slowly put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Twice now she had been kissed without warning. However, each kiss carried a different feeling. Where Luna’s had been deep and arousing, Rainbow’s had been light and playful. Twilight wasn’t certain which one she liked more.
Then, Rainbow offered another repeat performance. “So, I’ll give you a bit, say two days, so we can think about how we want this to work. Then we can start talking about our wedding plans over dinner.” Rainbow leaned forward and stole brief kiss from Twilight’s lips. “I’ll see ya later, Twi. Love ya!” she exclaimed before turning and taking off through a window before Twilight could form a response.
“Oh, darling, this wonderful news. I just wish you had told me sooner so I could have gotten a head start on your dresses.”
Twilight didn’t respond.
“Twilight, is there something wrong with your eye? It seems to be–”
“Twitching, yes,” Twilight interrupted. “Just a recently developed condition. Nothing to worry about.”
Rarity couldn’t help giving her friend and incredulous stare. “Twilight, if something’s bothering you, you know you can talk to your friends about it.”
Twilight’s eye began to twitch with increasing frequency while her creepy laugh set a disturbing tone. “What could possibly be wrong?” – an unsettling smile slowly crept onto her face – “It’s not like one of my best friends thinks I want to marry her because I unknowingly placed a bird feeder filled with culturally significant seeds underneath a branch she was coincidentally taking a nap on. And it’s not like the Princess of the Night is convinced that I agreed to be her royal consort and is lending me the captain of her royal guard to be my romantic servant as compensation for accepting the position of royal consort. Oh, and it certainly isn’t a problem that Luna and Rainbow both decided to come to my place, in the evening, two days from now to have a date to discuss the future of our relationship!”
It was at this point that Rarity noticed several disturbingly familiar signs. Twilight’s mane had somehow managed to turn completely frazzled and unkempt, her jaw was set to the side, her head was tilted at an odd angle, her eyes had widened and seemed to have stopped blinking almost entirely, and she was nervously stroking her tail. Rarity knew she had to act fast. If she didn't nip this in the bud then it would only end poorly for everypony.
“Twilight, I need you to listen very carefully.” The lavender unicorn suddenly ceased stroking her tail as she turned her head to grant Rarity her full attention. “You need to calm down, Twilight. You’re letting your worries get the best of you.”
Twilight closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. As she slowly released her breath she could feel her body starting to relax. She repeated the same breathing exercise for several minutes. Eventually the stray, frazzled hair of her mane fell back into its normal style. With most of her tension gone, she slumped over, falling to her side on the couch.
“Feeling better?” Rarity asked with a tentative smile.
“Yes.”
Rarity’s smile grew in confidence. “Alright. Now why don’t you start by giving me all the details. I can’t very well help you concoct a plan without knowing what’s going on, now can I?”
Twilight had taken a rather wordy route during her explanation of the recent events that had lead to her current predicament. Somewhere along the way, the two unicorns had downed one pot of tea and were hard at work on a second. Naturally, with Rarity being a well mannered host, a plate of gourmet wafers and small sandwiches had been devoured as well, adding to the layer of crumbs upon the plates.
“Alright, I think I’ve got this all figured out.” Rarity spoke with confidence for the first time since Twilight’s explanation began. “Everything between you, Rainbow Dash, and Luna is a massive misunderstanding.”
Twilight nodded. “Correct.”
Rarity tapped a hoof to her chin. “Well, that’s simple enough, but it still doesn’t address the problem of whom you are going to date.”
“Yes it does!” Twilight countered. “I’m not dating either of them.”
“Hmm...”
“What?”
Rarity’s expression shifted slyly. “Oh, I was just thinking about how much detail you went into when describing those kisses.” As she had expected, Twilight’s face was trying its best to mimic Big Macintosh’s coat.
“T-there’s nothing to discuss about that!” Despite her protest, Rarity’s confident expression didn’t falter. The fashionista seemed determined to play matchmaker. This was the seventh time she’d brought up those kisses and Twilight’s embarrassment hadn’t diminished in the slightest. Twilight began to regret her decision to come to Rarity for romantic advice. It was clear as day that all those fictional romance stories had damaged the part of her brain that contained common sense regarding how relationships actually worked. It was as if nothing she said could convince Rarity that she wasn’t interested in dating at least one of the two ponies currently convinced they had won her affection. Seriously! One small misunderstanding didn’t mean that she was suddenly in love!
“Forgive me if I don’t believe you, darling. In my experience, one does not dwell so extensively on a single kiss if it had no effect one’s feelings.” A small sigh from Rarity was all Twilight needed to know where her friend’s mind had wandered. She dared not contemplate what dark and indecent acts that Rarity was fantasizing over. If this conversation had done anything for Twilight, it had certainly given her the strength she needed to make a very difficult decision.
As soon as she returned home, Twilight was revoking Rarity's library card. It may have been too late to undo some of the permanent damage, but she could at least stop her friend from delving deeper into the abyss known as erotic fiction. Perhaps, someday, Rarity might recover and be able to lead a life involving normal, realistic romance.
“I’m just a very detail oriented pony,” Twilight retorted with a newfound resolve. It was time to put a stop to this dead end conversation and start discussing real solutions.
Rarity’s gaze hardened to an incredulous glare. “Twilight, your descriptions of those details were closer to poetry than an unbiased recounting of a meaningless event.”
Twilight fidgeted nervously. “I was just practicing my use of purple prose.”
Rarity’s gaze did not falter.
Twilight screamed in frustration. “What the hay is so wrong about enjoying a stupid kiss?”
Rarity granted Twilight a temporary reprieve from her steely glare, closing her eyes for a moment as she savored another sip of her tea. Once the deliciously relaxing draught had been delicately removed from her cup, she resumed her firm gaze. “Nothing is wrong with enjoying a kiss. I’m simply asking if your enjoyment is the starting point of some deeper feelings.”
“I don’t know!” Twilight screamed. Suddenly, the lavender unicorn slumped; her shoulders and head drooped as though she’d suffered some great disappointment. “I... don’t know.” she repeated weakly.
With that, Rarity released her harsh gaze, allowing a warm smile to overtake her expression. “There, that wasn’t so hard to admit, now was it?”
Twilight didn’t respond.
Rarity’s lips slipped from a smile to a slight pout. “Oh, come now, darling, you just said yourself there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a kiss.”
Twilight responded with a nicker.
Rarity’s voice adopted a sing-song tone. “You keep being childish like that and I won’t tell you how to resolve this dilemma.”
Finally, Twilight looked up. “Alright, let’s hear your amazing plan.”
Rarity could practically hear the implied eye roll, but it mattered not if Twilight was snarky. She had Twilight’s attention, and that was what mattered. “Since both Rainbow Dash and Luna are coming over at the same time, you should just have a nice date with both of them. While you’ve got them both in the same room, you can explain the whole situation to them and ask them to respect your feelings; whatever you decide they are by then.”
Twilight sat silently, allowing various scenarios to play out in her mind. “That... that actually sounds like a decent plan.”
“I’m glad you approve.”
“But that still leaves the problem of setting up a date.”
Rarity chuckled confidently. “Oh, you can just leave all the planning to me.” She punctuated her declaration with a wink. “I’ll even cook for you.”
Finally, Twilight felt a sense of relief. “That sounds great. If Spike’s testimony is anything to go by, I’m sure anything you make will be delicious.” Twilight suddenly froze as a realization struck. She hadn’t considered what Spike would be doing during the date. Between Luna’s lusty demeanor and Rainbow’s strange desire for physical contact, there was a very good possibility that events could occur that would be completely inappropriate for Spike to witness. “What about Spike?” she posited, “I don’t want him to be hanging around during all this. He’s too young to be around Luna!”
“A very good point, one that I must agree with. If Luna is going to be as... forward as she was during your previous encounters, then we absolutely must keep Spike out of eyeshot.” Rarity pursed her lips as a duet of “Hmms,” filled the air. After a brief moment of thought, genius struck. “Oh, I know what we can do.”
Twilight snapped from her pondering to give Rarity her full attention.
“We’ll just arrange for Spikey-Wikey to spend the day with Sweetie and her friends. They can spend the whole day together and then have a nice sleepover at their little club house.”
Twilight nodded enthusiastically. “That’s a great idea!”
“Now that that is settled, you should get going.” Rarity promptly ushered Twilight towards the door. “I’ve got lots of planning to do and I’m certain you’ll want to tidy up the library in preparation. Now don’t worry, I’ll meet you in the morning on the day of the event so we’ll have plenty of time to get everything ready.”
Twilight spun around and embraced her friend in a hug. “Thank you so much, Rarity. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Probably have an aneurysm,” Rarity mumbled under her breath.
“Did you say something?”
“Not at all, darling.” Rarity swiftly put on a smile as the embrace ended. Finally, she managed to shuffle Twilight outside.
“Twilight, if you keep pacing like that you’ll wear a hole in the floor.”
The lavender unicorn came to a halt. “Yes, but I was able to fix that the last time it happened with a simple spell.”
Rarity shook her head in disappointment. “Twilight, please, you really should just calm down. Your dates will be here soon and you don’t want to have worked up a sweat before they even arrive,” she pleaded.
Twilight opened her mouth, ready to explain exactly how pacing around was the only thing keeping her calm at the moment, when a sudden flash of light interrupted her. Princess Luna arrived in the main floor of the Golden Oaks Library. She took the moments of silence after her arrival to briefly inspect the place.
The table in the center of the room had been cleared since her last visit and was now playing host to a traditional dinner motif. A pale yellow cloth covered the table, upon which sat three sets of dinnerware. Everything appeared to be in its proper place, according to formal etiquette. A decidedly eye catching candelabrum sat in the center of the table; three candles were burning.
Luna became suddenly aware of the light, airy scent of a lilac intermingling with the pulpy smell of literature. Had there been a hint of brewing tea, she might have mistaken the smell for that of her sister’s room. Her eyes eventually settled on the two unicorns in the room. One was expected; her Twilight Sparkle. The other, however, was a surprise.
Luna regarded Rarity with curiosity. She was uncertain as to the purpose of Rarity’s presence and decided that such would make a fine topic of discussion. “Good evening, Miss Rarity. To what do we owe the pleasure of thy presence?”
The pearly-white unicorn chuckled at the sudden attention. “Oh, well, I’m here to take care of all the little details of the date.”
Her curiosity satisfied, Luna smiled and turned her attention to the object of her affection. “Tis a pleasure to see thee, Twilight Sparkle. As per thy request, we have come bearing offerings more befitting of thy station.”
Twilight forced a smile onto her lips. “Oh, that’s...” she paused briefly, struggling to find the proper word, “wonderful.” It was not her exact feelings on the subject, but it would have to do.
Luna nodded. “Excellent. Allow us to begin with a poem written in thy honor.” Luna cleared her throat:
“Staring off into the night with my wishful mind Glaring through the dimly lit abyss fills me with hope
Glowing down from the heavens like a cool breeze I am warmed by a single thought A memory of our tomorrow guides me past this ice And through the sunny fields
I see you now in plain sight, but you move away as I come nearer Oh starry messenger why must you run Why do you cloak yourself in the distance even as I stand before you
I was once told that true happiness lies beyond our grasp suspended in the heavens where it sleeps eternally guarded by a beautiful Starry Gateway that few can hope to reach
Oh lovely messenger if you know the way there please take me with you on the long, painful, joy filled journey called love
I see you now in plain sight, will you now move closer Beauteous starry messenger please guide me with your light Abandon that cloak you once wore so proudly
Will you come to me and make this hope neverlasting With your all-knowing touch you may make my wish come true Please take me with you on the long, painful, joy filled journey called love
I was once told that true happiness lies beyond our grasp suspended in the heavens where it sleeps eternally guarded by a beautiful Starry Gateway that few can hope to reach
You wondrous gleaming messenger who fills my every hour Together we can reach true happiness We have reached that Starry Gateway”
Twilight was speechless, her mouth hung agape. As the moments grew longer, Luna could feel the doubt creeping in as the ice around her heart grew thicker. Luna lowered her head. “D-didst thou not like it?” Luna’s question seemed to startle the lavender unicorn. The princess took a brief moment to glance at Rarity, hoping to find a more positive reaction. Alas, it was not the case. The pearly unicorn was so upset with her attempt at poetry that she was crying. Luna’s heart sank and her eyes closed.
“Luna...” Twilight broke the silence, “that was... beautiful.”
The princess’ eyes popped open. She raised her gaze to meet Twilight’s. “There is no need for falsities between us, Twilight Sparkle. Thy silence was telling enough.”
Twilight balked at Luna’s response. “What? No, I was just surprised... well, speechless actually,” she protested. A small blush warmed her face. “I honestly wasn't expecting something so amazing. Usually when somepony recites poetry during courtship it’s just some cheesy lines with an A-B-A-B rhyme scheme.”
Luna saw the smile growing on Twilight’s face. Between that and the ever deepening blush of her cheeks, Luna could feel her hope returning. “Then, thou truly enjoyed it?” Luna felt an unexpected quavering in her voice.
The Princess of the Night watched Twilight approach her. The lavender unicorn looked up; their eyes met. For a second, there was a peaceful silence. Luna stared deep into the violet eyes, losing herself in that look of honest determination.
Twilight broke the silence. “Yes, I did. Not to mention, it is the most romantic and most beautiful thing anypony has ever said to me.”
Hope reignited.
“Thank you, Luna.”
Confidence returned.
“I’m curious though,” Twilight continued, “that poem was written with modern grammar. Did somepony else write it?”
Luna nodded. “Oh, yes, we had our sister re-pen our poem with modern structure. We assumed thou would find it more appealing.” She continued to gaze deeply into Twilight’s eyes. The longer she stared, the closer they seemed to be. Before long the princess found her nose pressing against Twilight’s. The unicorn’s reddened cheeks mixed with the warmth of her breath to create an alluring invitation that Luna was in no mood to pass up.
A slight tilt of her head had their lips meet. Luna’s tongue teasingly brushed across Twilight’s lips. The unicorn parted her lips expectantly, but Luna had a different game in mind. Luna flicked the tip of Twilight’s tongue with her own before retreating back to her own mouth. She repeated the action several times, teasing, daring the unicorn to follow her dance.
A knock on the door interrupted the moment. Disappointingly, Twilight broke away. “I’m coming,” the unicorn called out as she trotted to the door. Luna’s tongue ran across her lips. Her goal was close in hoof, and it tasted very sweet. Once Twilight dealt with the minor interruption, she would have the studious little unicorn all to herself for the evening. A smile grew on Luna’s face. She always did garner an extra sense of excitement when she didn’t have to share with her sister. She mentally scoffed at Celestia’s decision not to pursue Twilight Sparkle. It was certainly her loss, Luna thought.
No sooner had the door opened then Rainbow Dash entered the room.
“Hey, Twilight,” Rainbow snuck in a quick nuzzle as she entered, “are you ready for a totally awesome night?”
“She is,” Luna scoffed, drawing the pegasus’ attention. “And our enjoyment shall commence once thou art gone. Finish thy business swiftly, we have important matters to attend to.”
Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes at the princess. “I think you got that backwards, Princess. See, I’m here for my date with Twilight, and you’re interrupting our time together.”
Such impudence! It was as if this mare felt she had a say in the matter. Luna responded with a glare of her own. “A quaint notion, but this is our scheduled appointment for courting Twilight Sparkle. We suggest thou not interfere any further.”
The pegasus answered with a most brazen display of defiance, she wrapped one wing around Twilight. “Sorry to inform you, Princess, but Twilight’s already going out with me.”
Luna’s horn glowed with power. Enveloping the lavender unicorn in her magical grip, she extricated Twilight from the deluded pegasus’ embrace and planted the unicorn next to her. To make her point even clearer, Luna folded one of her wings around Twilight. “Do not make false claims in our presence!”
“Actually,” Twilight interjected, garnering the attention of both the pegasus and the princess, “I planned for both of you to be here so that you could–” Twilight continued before she was suddenly interrupted by Rarity.
“Twilight, darling, I could really use some assistance in the kitchen if we are to get this little soirè started on time,” the white unicorn added with a broad smile.
Luna felt Twilight slip out from under her wing. The unicorn craned her neck around to look at her. “I’ll be just a moment. It seems I need to help Rarity with something.” Twilight then ushered her fellow unicorn into the kitchen.
Luna calmly took a place at the table, choosing not to dignify the pegasus’ presence with her gaze. “Begone,” she stated harshly.
“In case you missed it, Twilight invited me to be here.”
Luna closed her eyes and tilted her head upward. She had no intention of entertaining a competitor’s presence. Twilight was her’s to woo and this pegasus, no matter how accomplished, had no place interfering with her. “A foolish mistake we are willing to forgive. Twilight Sparkle has captured our attention, much as we assume she has captured thine. Understand that her displays of power, her acts of kindness to us, and her striking form are but the catalysts that have caused our heart to swell with desire for her company and intimacy. Thou art her friend, Rainbow Dash. T’would be best for all if thou remained as such.”
A lowly growl, gruff and unrefined, emanated from across the table. Though she would rather not acknowledge such pitiful competition, there was the off chance that the pegasus might dare lash out at her in anger. Luna opened her eyes, but did not lower her head.
“Why are you being such a jerk about this? What makes you think you have the right to tell me my feelings for Twilight aren’t worth pursuing?” Rainbow Dash snapped.
Luna sharpened her gaze as she slowly lowered her head to stare straight back at the defiant pegasus. The edges of her mouth curled into a grin. Luna spoke in a harsh, yet measured tone. “Because, there is not a single pleasure in this world thou can offer her that I cannot do better.”
Rainbow tensed visibly, her body trembled ever-so-slightly. Luna was certain that her intentions were clear, but for some inexplicable reason, the pegasus just continued to stare right back at her. She could see a clear determination in those magenta eyes. In that moment, Luna knew without a doubt that this pegasus, no... that Rainbow Dash was going to be an obstacle in her path.
“You just said ‘I’,” Rainbow replied, a sense of disbelief pervaded her voice.
Luna blinked. For once in her life, she honestly had no idea how to respond. Her mouth opened slightly. When no words came, she closed it.
“Does that mean that all your ‘we this’ and ‘thou that’ aren’t some kind of speech impediment?”
“Speech impediment?!” Luna slammed a hoof on the floor. “We do not have any difficulties with our speech!”
“Then why don’t you talk like a normal pony?”
Luna made a show of stretching her wings. “We are not a normal pony and will not pretend to be such.”
Rainbow smirked. “Celestia talks normally.”
“We are not our sister,” Luna snapped.
Rainbow sighed. “Yeah, but what’s the point in saying ‘thou’ or ‘thee’ instead of just saying ‘you’?”
“Thou, thee, thy, and thine, carry specific connotations and are used to address a singular entity. Ye, you, your, and yours are intended to address multiple entities as well as for addressing–”
“But nopony uses those anymore,” the pegasus interrupted.
“They should.”
“But if nopony understands all those little details, then what’s the point? Haven’t you ever thought that speaking more like Celestia might be a good thing?”
The pegasus’ words struck a chord in Luna’s mind.“We assumed thou would find it more appealing.” Her own words, naught but a few minutes prior, had expressed that very sentiment to Twilight Sparkle. On some level, she already knew... Rainbow Dash was right. As Luna sighed, she could feel her body relaxing. Some of her tension, the part that always carried her royal poise and posture had vanished as a hint of uncertainty settled into her heart. She had just been bested in a battle of wit by her competition. She had underestimated Rainbow Dash.
Then, in that moment of doubt, realization dawned. Perhaps this was what Twilight Sparkle found appealing. This simplicity that Rainbow Dash seemed to personify. That had to be it! Why else would Celestia’s protege choose to cloister herself in Ponyville instead of in Canterlot Castle, by Celestia’s side? In that moment, it all became clear. Twilight didn’t want to be surrounded by pomp and royal luxury, she desired simpler pleasures!
Oh, what a fortuitous discovery! Luna felt a new surge of confidence coursing through her. Rainbow Dash had not bested her at all. No, the fool had unwittingly revealed her only advantage and now Luna could use that knowledge to firmly secure Twilight Sparkle as her paramour and confidante.
The kitchen door closed behind Twilight. The lavender unicorn turned to aim a fierce glare at her friend-of-questionable-allegiance. “Rarity, I was just about to explain the situation to them. What could possibly be so important that you had to interrupt me?”
The fashionista calmly set to work on finishing her dinner preparations. “Darling, I think you need to take a step back and actually examine the situation at hoof.”
The glare softened.
Rarity continued as she expertly manipulated various implements with her magic, “Twilight, from what I’ve seen so far, you don’t seem the slightest bit interested in rejecting Princess Luna’s advances.”
Twilight found herself distracted by Rarity’s display of concentration. Not only was she tending a boiling pot of delectably aromatic liquid, but the elegant chef was simultaneously dicing vegetables without watching, and holding a conversation. Twilight shook her head.
Properly focused, Twilight responded. “But she just kissed me without any warning.”
“No offense, darling, but her intentions couldn’t be more obvious unless she was shouting them at you.”
Rarity wasn’t looking at her, but Twilight knew an eye roll when she didn’t see it. “Well, what was I supposed to do?”
The knife halted in place as Rarity leveled an incredulous gaze at Twilight. “For starters, you could try not kissing her back. That tends to get the message across.” The knife resumed its duties as Rarity returned her focus to her preparations. She continued to dole out her wisdom with a distinctive snarkiness that could only be called sarcasm. “And once you’re comfortable with that lesson, we can move on a more advanced method of not-encouraging-romantic-advances: saying no.”
Twilight immediately snapped back. "Oh, yes, of course. Because after hearing something like that, you totally would have made Luna take her advances elsewhere." The comment drew Rarity’s attention, but Twilight wasn’t done yet. She assumed a mock dramatic pose and continued her rebuttal with her best impression of Rarity. "Oh Luna, while your incredibly romantic and beautiful poem was the most amazing thing anypony has ever said to me, I am afraid I am going to have to ask you not to kiss me."
The knife stopped chopping. “I believe you are missing the point of this little discussion.” The amount of venom being held back was palpable. Twilight wisely decided to drop the sarcasm.
As Twilight responded, there was a clear sense of panic beginning to seep back into her voice. "I was overwhelmed!” Twilight paused briefly, catching herself before she went into a complete freak out. She continued with a calm, but still slightly stressed tone. “Rarity, I don't know about any of this. I am not a gorgeous and graceful fashion designer. I have never had other ponies vie for my affection. I never thought anything like this could ever happen. She is a Princess! How do I deal with that?!"
“Are you being threatened, or otherwise coerced into accepting her romantic advances?”
Twilight blushed. “Well, her kisses are very coercive.”
Rarity sighed before turning back to her cooking. "In any case, Twilight, this doesn't change the fact that it looks to me as though you are about to lead Rainbow Dash on a merry chase after something Luna has already claimed, even if you don't know it yet."
Twilight didn’t respond right away. “Well, maybe… It’s not exactly like I’m in love with Luna.”
Rarity simply replied with an incredulous stare.
Twilight’s eyes darted to the side to avoid her friend’s gaze. “Okay, I’ll admit I might be open to the idea of becoming romantically involved with her.”
Much to Twilight’s chagrin, Rarity simply continued staring. A mere glance at Rarity’s gaze was enough to make Twilight’s composure crack. The lavender mare began to blush. “And that she’s very good at being enticing.”
“And?”
Once again, it was the simplicity of Rarity’s reply that Twilight just couldn’t withstand. She snapped. “Fine! She’s attractive! There, you happy now!?”
Rarity’s stare softened, but there was still a shade of seriousness across her expression. “I’m relieved that you’re finally being honest about your feelings, even if you don’t understand them very well.”
Twilight sighed heavily. Rarity had certainly made a valid point. The situation was far more complicated than she had expected. “Well, this is a pretty unusual situation. It’s not like I can just read up on how to deal with a flirty princess.”
Rarity let out a small chuckle and glanced at Twilight while wearing a wry grin. “You must not browse the romance section of the library very often, then.”
“What was that?”
Rarity merely chuckled once more, before a loud crash from the dining room drew both their attention. They each glanced worriedly at each other, and then dashed back towards their guests.
The scene before them did nothing to assuage their worry. Rainbow Dash had her hooves up on the table while the remains of a plate were littered about on the floor. Both Rainbow and Luna had their wings flared.
A haughty grin was plastered on Luna’s visage. The alicorn shouted, but made sure to use her indoor volume. "Oh, if thy love for her runs as deep as thou claims, then pray tell, what hast thou done to show her thy affections?"
Rainbow Dash visibly wilted. She snapped back, but there was no strength in her voice. "Well, I kissed her!"
Luna raised a single, confident brow. "Just once?"
"Y-yeah..." Whatever was left of Rainbow’s normal confidence seemed to have finally vanished. The pegasus pulled back from her aggressive perch on the table, her gaze only strong enough to meet the floor.
Luna loosed a confident laugh. "Well, then it would seem our love for Twilight is more than twice as deep as thine. We have kissed her more than once, brought her gifts, and have made Our feelings and intentions very clear."
A slight gasp from near the kitchen caught Rainbow’s attention. Her eyes met with Twilight’s. Something about the idea of her friend, no, the one she loved, seeing her look utterly defeated did not sit well. Rainbow Dash wasn’t a quitter!
Luna wasn’t about to lose either. The appearance of her love only strengthened her resolve. “Honestly, Rainbow Dash, thou should retire from this race. It is quite clear that thou hast no initiative, no drive to win. One who cannot even find the courage to show proper affection to the one they love could never dream of competing with royalty!”
Rainbow grit her teeth. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. With a single, slow exhalation, all doubt was expelled from her body. Rainbow Dash opened her eyes and turned to face Twilight. With more confidence than either Twilight or Rarity had ever seen from her, Rainbow marched right up to Twilight and leveled her gaze. "Twilight, I love you. Maybe I don't have all that money and junk like the Princess does. Maybe I can't shower you with gifts or write you a poem. And I know I don't have some kind of fancy pedigree, or royal blood, or titles. Maybe the Princess really is so far above me that no sane pony would ever try to compete with her.” Rainbow paused to shake her head. There was no room for such doubts in her mind. She continued with her trademarked grin. “But hey, when did I ever let something silly like overwhelming odds try to stop me. I'm awesome. I'm radical!” — Her wings flared out — “And I will stop at nothing to make you the. Happiest. Mare. In all of Equestria. That's a promise." Rainbow Dash quickly closed the distance to Twilight and sealed her promise with a kiss.
Surprising no one, Twilight was caught off guard. The speech was certainly impressive, but that wasn’t what truly stole her breath away. This wasn’t the same amateurish kiss that Rainbow had given before, this was a completely different feeling. Passion gave way to pleasure as Twilight melted into the embrace.
When the embrace finally ended, Twilight was far too busy trying to sort out the sudden rush of emotions to even formulate a reply. Despite this, her brain insisted on trying anyway; all that came out was, “ Mmmm.”
Thankfully, for Twilight, and Rainbow, Rarity had noticed the rising tide of anger on the Moon Princess’ face. Rarity spoke first. “Now, now, let’s not start a fight, Princess.”
“Insolence!” Luna shouted. “How dare you–”
Rainbow Dash cut her off before she could even gather her momentum. “What’s wrong? Not getting scared, are you?”
The remark seemed to strike a chord in the Moon Princess. Her entire body relaxed, returning to a regal posture as though her anger had never even existed. “Very well.” — Luna narrowed her eyes, focusing her attention solely on Rainbow Dash — “It seems thou art not as insignificant an opponent as We had originally thought. It is clear that this matter will not be settled with mere words. We propose a competition; the winner claims Twilight Sparkle’s affection.”
Rainbow Dash replied instantly. “Are you sure you want to make your loss so official?”
Rarity was quick to interject. “If I might be so bold, Your Highness, I believe I have an idea for a suitable competition.”
Luna answered as she continued to glare at her opponent. “Very well, speak thy mind.”
Rarity cleared her throat. "Dates! You must must date her! Um, yes, you must each take her on a series of dates. Say, three dates each, and you each take turns.” Rarity hesitated for just a moment. "Aaaaaaaand, um,” — she glances at Twilight — “yes, three dates, and once the final outing is complete, Twilight will grace her chosen beau with a kiss. How does that sound?"
Both competitors nod. A wry smile slipped onto Luna’s face, causing Rarity to assign one last stipulation. She leveled a stern gaze at Luna. "This also means there is to be no kissing Twilight before both competitors have taken Twilight on the final date. Twilight is still very, inexperienced, with matters of the heart, and it is far too easy to confuse the love of the heart with the love of the body. I will not allow either of you to attempt to sway her with such physical seduction during this. It would be both unfair and unscrupulous, and if either of you do such a thing, you will be immediately disqualified. Are we clear?"
Rainbow Dash was quick to confirm her agreement; Luna hesitated. The princess of the moon found the unrelenting glare aimed at her to be very reminiscent of the look she had received the single time she had attempted to take a bite of one of her sister’s cakes.
When Luna did not make her agreement known after a long silence, Rarity decided to force a response from her. "Pinkie promise. Both of you."
Luna counted her blessings that the strange ritual Rainbow Dash had performed had managed to steal her attention away from the white mare’s parental glare. It was clear enough that she was expected to perform the same ritual, though she had no clue what she was doing. Luna mimicked what she had seen her competitor do in the hopes that it would appease Twilight’s unexpected guardian.
Finally, Rarity was satisfied. She released her glare; Luna visibly relaxed. Rarity decided to keep rolling with the momentum she had gained. “Now then, since Princess Luna was, technically, the first one to express her feelings for Twilight, I believe she should be the one to take Twilight on the first date. Let’s say, in two days the date shall take place at nine in the evening.” Rarity turned to Luna, this time with a smile. “You may make whatever arrangements you see fit for the date, but it must take place here in Ponyville.”
Luna nodded respectfully to Rarity. “Very well. We shall accept this challenge. We shall retrieve Twilight Sparkle from this location at the agreed upon time.” Luna turned to flash a pleasant smile at her love. “We look forward to our next meeting, Twilight Sparkle.” With that sentiment aired, Luna’s horn lit up with power and she disappeared in a flash of light.
Rainbow promptly turned to Rarity with a huge grin on her face. “So, we’re not gonna let all that food you made go to waste, right?”
Rarity brought a hoof to her face. Rainbow Dash was going to need a lot of help.
Rarity slammed the door shut the instant Rainbow Dash was outside. A quick glance out the nearby window confirmed that the love-struck pegasus was actually flying home. Rarity released a sigh. Getting Rainbow to leave had been more of a chore than all the preparations she had made for Twilight’s flopped date. It wasn’t surprising that Rainbow had been quite persistent in wanting to spend the night with Twilight, but that was simply against the spirit of the contest.
Rarity turned to find Twilight slumped in her seat at the table. "Darling? Are you alright?"
Twilight perked up briefly. "Huh?"
"You look a bit lost, darling. Care to share what’s bothering you?"
Twilight’s expression swiftly turned sour. "Oh, that,” she grumbled. “It's probably got something to do with the fact that I now have one of my best friends competing with one of the two rulers of all of Equestria to see which one gets to make out with me on a regular basis.” — she shot a nasty glare at her friend — “Nothing major."
Rarity remained unfazed. She had been expecting some sort of negative reaction to come out at some point. Honestly, she was glad to be able to address Twilight’s concerns sooner, rather than later. "No one likes a smart-alec Twilight," she replied with a disarmingly neutral tone.
Twilight groaned before allowing herself to slump to the ground. Worry replaced irritation as Twilight responded. "I'm sorry, really I am, but this is so much to take in. A few days ago the thought of ponies taking any romantic interest in me was the furthest thing from my mind. Now I have two at once. And mares at that!"
This drew a curious gaze from Rarity. One of the white mare’s brows rose as the potential implications of that last statement sank in. She knew it was potentially a touchy subject, but if Twilight wasn’t interested in her suitors that way, it would only cause problems later on. Still, Rarity decided that caution was the best approach; she chose her words carefully. “Is it a problem that the two courting you are mares?”
“Yes!” Twilight exclaimed.
Rarity winced at the sheer energy behind the statement. “Am I correct in assuming that you aren’t attracted to mares, then?”
“I don’t know!” Twilight shouted hastily.
That was not the answer Rarity had expected. She slowly approached her friend and took a seat next to her. “Now, Twilight, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and I know this can be a sensitive personal subject, but I really need you to be honest with me.” When Twilight remained silent, Rarity continued. “If you aren’t attracted to mares, then this entire situation is only going to get worse if you don’t do anything.” Rarity waited a moment before placing a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Do you want to call everything off? If you do, I’ll help you explain everything to Rainbow Dash and Luna.”
Twilight rolled onto her side and turned her head to look up at Rarity. "I don't- I don't know. I… I just, it never really occured to me. I mean, I never actually looked at a mare that way before."
Rarity shifted her expression to a more sympathetic one. "Have you, looked at any stallions that way before?"
"A few." Twilight blushed as she recalled a few memories of certain activities she would dare not share with anyone. Ponies tended to look down on casually discussing observations of certain anatomical features, at least as far as she understood. "I mean, there is Applejack's brother."
Rarity failed to notice the sly grin that crept onto her face. "Every mare, and at least a few stallions, look at Big Mac that way."
Twilight responded to that knowledge with a nervous giggle. When the room fell silent, she assumed Rarity was waiting for her to continue. "You know Time Turner? He is kind of cute too."
Rarity nodded. "Well, so you like stallions. While this is something that really should have come up sooner–"
"It did! I told Luna!" Twilight interjected.
The white mare’s brow furrowed. “And she is trying to court you in spite of that?”
“Ah, well… yes.” Twilight hesitated. “And, she might have tried to buy me as her official consort by offering me one of her guard’s services as compensation. Apparently, there are some ancient laws about courting the Princesses that involves a lot of legal stuff that I’m not familiar with.”
"She tried to what?!" Rarity shouted. She quickly found her opinion of Luna to be slipping down a muddy slope, only to tumble off of a cliff into a bottomless pit. However,Twilight came to Luna’s defense much faster than Rarity would have liked.
"Maybe ‘buy’ isn't the right word here,” Twilight countered, a nervous tone pervading her voice. “She was trying to pay me really, just using one of her guards.” — she let out a stilted laugh that did nothing to improve Rarity’s mood — “I think she mentioned other compensation as well. I can't quite remember, I was a bit blindsided."
Rarity nudged Twilight, motioning for her to sit up properly instead of lying on the floor. A serious conversation required serious posture. Rarity leveled a disapproving gaze at her friend as Twilight rose into a more proper position. "So, she tried to bribe you into being her sex slave by offering you your own, sex slave?”
“I think so,” Twilight replied meekly.
“Twilight, that's not better!" Rarity punctuated her exclamation with a stamp of her hoof.
Twilight straightened up at the sudden outburst. She scrambled to formulate a response. "She says there are certain laws regarding this sort of thing–"
Rarity was quick to interrupt. “Twilight, I can almost guarantee that any laws that permit this kind of behavior are long gone. I cannot imagine Princess Celestia would allow such things to still continue in this day and age."
There was a certain fire in Rarity’s eyes that reminded Twilight of the times her mother had scolded her as a filly for doing something she wasn’t supposed to. So, she did the only sensible thing she knew how to do in this situation; she wilted like an unwatered flower. "I know, and I am sure you’re right, but Luna might not know that. You remember how she was at Nightmare Night? She is just doing what she remembers as being right in her time. I don't think she is trying to be demeaning or anything."
“Twilight,” the motherly tone somehow made Twilight shrink even more, “you are trying awfully hard to defend Luna considering how uncomfortable you’ve claimed she was making you feel. Whether Luna has good reasons to behave the way she has, or not, you have to admit that she’s treating you like an object instead of a pony.” Twilight nodded slightly. “Now, I don’t care if she is a princess, it is simply unacceptable for her to be acting this way.”
Rarity waited for Twilight to respond, but she was only treated to the silence typical to a library. She released an exasperated sigh. “I can’t help you if I’m doing all the talking here, darling. Can you at least tell why you’ve been tolerating her behavior?”
"Well, her kisses were really nice." The lavender unicorn’s expression reminded Rarity of a certain yellow pegasus she knew.
A white hoof met its owner’s face. “Twilight, I’m being serious. You just told me that you aren’t even interested in mares that way–” Twilight suddenly interjected.
“Actually, I said that I’ve never looked at a mare that way before,” she stated matter-of-factly.
Rarity gave the lavender unicorn an incredulous stare. “I’m not going to help if all you want to do is mince words, Twilight.”
Twilight responded with surprising enthusiasm. “I’m not mincing words, I was clarifying a misinterpreted statement!”
“Unless you intend to tell me that you suddenly discovered that your preference for stallions has been a lie and that you’re actually attracted to mares, I don’t want to hear it.”
"Well, what other explanation is there!"
Rarity took a deep breath. She was very close to being frustrated. Not specifically at Twilight, just in general, about everything involving Twilight this evening. She had to remain calm and rational. With ever-so-slightly-rejuvenated nerves, she addressed her friend. “Well, darling, you could possibly be bisexual.”
Twilight stared back at her as if she had just claimed that the sun and moon moved on their own.
“You have no idea what that is, do you?”
Twilight shook her head.
Rarity took a few more deep breaths before continuing. The idea that the explanation for Twilight’s confusion could be so simple was a relief. However, the idea that she had missed something so simple was more agitating than she expected. “You see...” the words died before ever escaping her lips. Rarity knew she had to be very, very clear and not at all accusatory with her choice of words. It wasn’t Twilight’s fault that she had apparently been the most sheltered pony to ever live in a major city. As if by some divine grace, Rarity shifted her gaze to the myriad of books that covered nearly every available flat surface in the room. And then she promptly remembered that it was, in all likelihood, entirely Twilight’s fault for being a cloistered hermit. Rarity sighed, regardless of the circumstances, there was no reason to delay any longer.
Rarity returned her gaze to the hopeless unicorn in front of her. “It’s, well, it’s when a pony happens to find members of either sex attractive. It isn’t particularly common, but it is hardly rare either.”
For a few long moments, Twilight did nothing. At the exact moment after the silence had become noticeably awkward, Twilight responded. “Wait, you mean a pony can like both?”
Rarity could feel the last of her nerves snapping slowly like a rope coming undone by the threads.
Twilight took her friend’s silence as a confirmation. “Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?”
The last thread broke. Rarity screamed in frustration; like a lady.
Twilight cautiously lifted a hoof in case she needed its protection. “Um, is everything okay?”
“How could I possibly...!?” Twilight was certain she saw smoke.
“Ah, well… Sorry?” Twilight offered.
Rarity’s left eye was twitching like Pinkie after twenty-six too many cupcakes. “Excuse me for a moment,” she stated firmly before marching into the kitchen and slamming the door behind her. Twilight wasn’t certain how Rarity had managed to slam a swinging door.
Soon after Rarity’s exit, Twilight heard the distinct sound of a frustrated unicorn from somewhere beyond her kitchen door. She waited patiently for a few moments before Rarity calmly reentered the room sporting a chic red line across her forehead that Twilight assumed was the result of the second slamming sound she heard moments ago.
Rarity spoke with a perfectly normal tone. “Alright, we will be continuing this discussion tomorrow after I’ve had some time to genuinely relax. It’s wonderful that you’ve had such an important epiphany about your sexual preferences, but I’m afraid today has taken its toll on me.”
Twilight hadn’t realized how tense she was until every muscle in her body relaxed in unison. The prospect of sleep was close at hoof. Nice, restful, sleep that wouldn’t be interrupted by sudden visitors. All that was standing in her way was the remains of the night’s meal littered about the dining table. However, before she could make a move to start cleaning up, Rarity began ushering her towards the stairs to Twilight’s room. “Uh, don’t you want me to help clean up?”
“Nonsense, I’m positive you need rest even more than I do after everything that’s happened. Besides, I prepared the meal, so clean up is my responsibility. Now, off you go,” Rarity stated with one final push towards the stairs. The white mare promptly turned around and set to work on her task.
Twilight turned and made her way up the staircase towards her peaceful night’s rest.
Rest did not come immediately.
The door to her room closed quietly. Twilight looked around her room; she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. It was only a moment later that it clicked. Her candles were all lit.
Her face scrunched in confusion. She was positive that she hadn’t even lit them today. But, before she could run through her mental checklist of the day’s events, she was caught by surprise.
“Greetings, Mistress!”
Twilight spun around to find three of Luna’s guards proudly saluting her. At first she was baffled as to how she could have missed them when they were clearly making no effort to hide from her. However, that quandary was swiftly pushed aside to make way for more important questions. “What?” she asked. It was a perfect summation of all of her questions, even if it was severely lacking in finer details.
The guards relaxed from their salute, though ‘relaxed’ to a royal guard was still a fairly rigid proposition. The room sat in silence for a decidedly awkward moment as the guards shifted nervously in place, clearly unsure how to answer such an important question. Bravely, the one in the middle spoke up. “I beg your pardon, Mistress, but could you clarify your question?”
“Okay, how about you start by explaining what you three are doing in my room?”
The three replied in unison. “We are here under Her Royal Highness Princess Luna’s orders. Our duty is to serve you in whatever way you see fit, and to attend to any and all of your needs and desires!”
Twilight could practically hear the sweet siren song of her bed drifting farther and farther away. Every distraction was precious time she wasn’t asleep, and her mind was already made up. “I’m going to sleep,” she stated flatly. She turned to make for her bed, but was swiftly intercepted by the three distractions.
“How may we assist, Mistress?”
Twilight set her jaw, her ears twitching at the serene call of her mattress. Irritation crept into her voice. “Let me get to my bed.”
The three guards nodded affirmatively. Two promptly flanked the purple unicorn, grabbing hold of her as their wings began to flap. It was a short flight before Twilight was gingerly deposited onto her bed. Unable to resist the temptation of sleep, she let go of her irritation, placing it somewhere under her pillow for safekeeping, and crawled under the covers. As her head felt the cool touch of her pillow, she was suddenly jolted from the promise of peace as the three guards all attempted to fit themselves onto her tiny, one-pony bed.
She reached under her pillow to retrieve her frustration as she sat up to glare at the three distractions keeping her from a sound slumber. “What do you think you are doing?”
The guard in the middle responded. “It was heavily suggested that we should share your bed, Mistress.”
“By who? Luna?”
They nodded stoically.
Twilight released something caught between a sigh and a guttural growl; the guards shrank. “For your information, I never asked for your services. I can’t even fathom why Luna would think that forcing you three to act like some kind of harem attendants for me would somehow improve her standing with me, but you can fly right back to her and tell that I do not support forced servitude!”
The three guards immediately scrambled off the bed. As Twilight glared harshly at them, they cautiously peeked at her over the footboard. The middle one raised a hoof, much like a student wanting to speak.
Twilight sighed. “Yes, you can speak.”
“Actually, I volunteered to be your servant.”
Twilight rolled her eyes at his remark. “Oh, right, because you wanting to be a sex slave is so much less creepy.”
The guard on her right promptly raised his hoof.
“You don’t have to ask permission to speak,” Twilight snapped.
“I only volunteered because I wanted to serve Her Royal Highness in whatever way she requires.”
The tired mare forced herself to stifle a groan. “That’s still sounds kinda creepy, honestly, given what you volunteered for.”
The final guard raised his hoof. Twilight was not able to suppress her growing irritation. “I said you don’t have to ask permission to speak.”
“I thought you were only saying that to him,” the guard replied innocently.
“Whatever, just go ahead and tell me why you wanted to be in this creepy little harem.”
The guard answered happily. “Actually, I just like being ordered around by mares.”
Twilight stared blankly at him, waiting for some punchline that would never come. After a few moments, she realized he was being completely serious. She promptly plopped her head down on her pillow and pulled the covers over her head. “I’m done. Going to sleep now,” she mumbled, her voice muffled by the covers.
“What are your orders, Mistress?”
“Go to sleep!” Twilight growled from her useless hiding place.
The three sounded off in succession, from right to left:
“Do you desire any cuddling?”
“Or a massage?”
“Or would you like us to sing you a lullabye?”
Twilight seethed with irritation. It was a simple order, yet these goofs couldn’t even go to sleep without making an ordeal of it. She popped out from under the covers and shouted. “No! None of that! Go. To. Sleep!”
The guards saluted their mistress before promptly falling asleep standing up. That they were all facing directly at her only served to unnerve Twilight even further. Try as she might, sleep did not come easily that night.
It was shaping up to be a good night for the princess of the sun. It was one of those rare occasions when her duties for the day had been fulfilled early, allowing her a precious few hours to relax in the evening before bed. A tidy stack of paperwork sat on a desk in the corner of her room as a monument to the day’s accomplishments. A book, halfway finished, sat on the end table by her bed; accompanied by an empty mug of an already-forgotten drink and a plate with naught but a fork to indicate there had ever been a slice of a marble cake with raspberry frosting upon it.
The contented alicorn lay buried underneath the silk sheets of royal purple, buffeting her from the slight autumn chill that had recently crept into the air at night. Even with her sister back, sleep had remained an oft elusive luxury, held ransom by politics and obligations. To have been able to curl up in bed so early was a prize unto itself. Nestled gingerly between her hooves rested one of her most recent comforts, a small plush figure of a little white unicorn with vibrant purple hair. Neatly tucked in, sighing contentedly, she began to let herself slip into a warm doze.
With absolutely no warning, Celestia was ripped from her contentment and slumber by the booming voice of her sister. “Art thou awake, dear sister?!” The royal exclamation was followed swiftly by the sounds of Luna’s hoof laying siege to Celestia’s bedroom door. The solar princess groaned as she pretended to be asleep, desperately hoping that a lack of an answer would deter whatever motivation her sister had for seeking her. Then, through the door, Celestia heard the most dreaded words in all existence. “Guards, We command thee to open this door.”
Luna barged into the room, not the least bit deterred by the lack of illumination, or the fact that her sister was curled up snugly in her bed. Luna marched right up to the royal bed and proceeded to request Celestia’s attention as only a sister could. The solar princess found herself falling victim to Luna’s hoof repeatedly jabbing into her back, just at the base of her neck.
This went on for several agonizing minutes before Celestia’s patience had finally run out. She rolled over to face her sister with the most menacing glare she could muster. “What is so important that it couldn’t wait until morning?” she spat.
Luna didn’t even flinch, responding as though this were any ordinary conversation. “I require thy assistance in order that I might familiarize myself with modern practices of courtship, specifically, the practice known as dating.”
"Still waiting on the part where this couldn't wait until morning, Luna."
Luna’s expression grew cold. “Ah, I must beg thy forgiveness. It appears that I was unaware that thy promise to always be there should I require thy aid was conditional upon the position of the sun.”
Celestia instantly deflated. “Luna, I’m sorry. You know I won’t turn you away if something serious is bothering you, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to explain to me why courtship advice can’t afford to wait a few hours.”
Luna averted her gaze. “No… Forgive me, that was unnecessarily harsh of me.”
“Come, sit down and we’ll talk. It’s clear enough that this is important to you, and normally I’d just be up doing some boring paperwork anyway.”
When Luna’s gaze returned to her sister, the warm smile that greeted her did nothing to alleviate the feeling that she was just making another mistake. To her surprise, her hooves carried her onto the bed, laying her down next to her sister before she could even decide whether she should leave or stay. A familiar white wing draped over her; it was warmer to her than any blanket.
Celestia waited patiently for Luna to speak. “Sister, I fear I have made a mess of things with thy student.”
The elder sister replied by tightening her wing’s hold over her younger sister, pulling the two together until they were instinctively leaning against each other, as much for comfort it brought their minds as for the warmth.
As Luna continued there was a clear struggle in her voice. “I have misread the situation. I had believed myself to be Twilight’s only suitor, but t’was only a false hope. To further mine own foolishness, I allowed mine temper to flare at the slightest of provocations.” Luna paused to take a slow, deep breath; it did not keep her voice from wavering. “I-I called for a competition.”
Had the younger sister been looking, she would have seen the dour shift of Celestia’s expression. “What is the challenge?”
“A series of dates,” Luna replied, her voice normalizing.
Celestia released a sigh of relief. “Good. For a moment, you had me worried you had challenged somepony to something dangerous.”
The midnight mare shook her head. “No, nothing dangerous. I am simply ashamed of mine behavior. Had Twilight’s friend not stepped in with this safer suggestion, I fear I may have done something truly worth regretting.”
Celestia leaned in for a quick nuzzle, which Luna promptly returned. The solar mare spoke with a note of warmth. “Then quit fretting over what didn’t happen and be glad that things are working out peacefully.” Her words brought a smile to Luna’s face, which in turn brought a smile to her own lips.
“Yes, you are right as usual.”
A white hoof rose up and lightly tapped a dark blue nose, drawing a quizzical look from the younger mare. “It’s a big sister thing,” Celestia remarked with a playful lilt. “Now, why don’t we move onto the important topic of discussion.”
Luna nodded energetically.
“Right. First, before we start, I want you to understand that I am not giving you the secrets to unlock Twilight’s heart. You need to do that on your own. What I can help you with is answering any questions you have about modern courtship.
“So then, what would you like to know?"
Luna pondered for a moment before giving the only reasonable response. "Everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything."
Celestia hesitated, not quite sure where to even begin explaining such a broad topic. If there was any chance that she could narrow the subject a bit, it was worth trying. "Can you, be a bit more specific?"
If Luna had been surprised by the request, she did not show it. She answered her sister calmly. "Specific about what? It has become painfully obvious to me tonight that I simply do not understand anything about how to court a mare in this era. I have never even heard the term 'dating' before this night, I do not know what will be expected of me."
Oh well, it had been worth a shot. At the very least the request had given Celestia enough time to decide where to begin. "A date is, well…” – her lips pursed as Celestia struggled to find the right words – “Think of it as a sort of 'friendship trial’. The whole point is to get to know each other better. Only instead of becoming friends, you sort of, feel out each other's compatibility."
Luna scoffed at her sister’s description. Already it sounded like modern culture had over complicated things. "But sister, I have already chosen Twilight Sparkle, this seems somewhat superfluous.”
The older mare could not hide the grin that crept onto her face. She had once been forced through this exact same learning process. At some point, a few centuries ago, the culture of courtship had seemingly morphed from something simple and honest into the flashy, drawn out show it was today, all without Celestia noticing. With that experience behind her, Celestia found herself in a most familiar role, that of a teacher. Mind and body alike slipped into the role, bringing out a calming tone in her voice. "The idea is to see how the two of you interact. To find things you both like to do or talk about. More than simply looking at each other as an ideal, you should be trying to get to honestly know each other. You need to learn who Twilight really is, not just who she is in your imagination or your idyllic fantasies. In turn, she will be doing the same, so you should make a point to show her who you really are. Show her Luna, not Her Royal Highness Princess Luna of Equestria and Ruler of the Night." Celestia’s grin evolved into a smile. She might not have been fond of the era’s preference for needless complexity, but some of the ideas in play had much positive potential for starting a relationship’s foundation. It was up to Celestia to guide Luna down that path.
A visible sense of confusion washed over Luna. "You wish for me to show her 'the real me', and not the princess, but is that not who I am? What am I if not the Princess of the Night?"
Celestia knew the answer, perhaps from a bit too much experience with it. She was happy that Luna could learn from her older sister’s mistakes. The white mare leaned against her sister a bit more. "Luna, everypony has more than a single side to them. A mare can be a mother to her child, but a lover and wife to her husband. We may be rulers of this land, but we are both still ponies behind all royal trappings and duties. You do not show the public the same side of you that you show to me in private. You would never let our subjects see you like this, see that you have emotions and vulnerabilities just like they do.” Celestia was quick to notice the dip in her sister’s mood. It wasn’t always easy to look at one’s weaker side, yet being able to share that side of you is a part of a lasting relationship. Even so, it was clear that Luna was in need of a little prodding. “And if I recall, it was Twilight seeing that vulnerable side of you that led to you two becoming friends."
Luna began fidgeting, her eyes averting to some spot on the wall. It reminded Celestia of how young fillies and colts acted when they didn’t want to speak. She playfully raised a white hoof up level with her sister’s head. “Luna,” she sang with a playful lilt. Instinctively, Luna turned her head around toward that mare calling her, except that instead of a warm smile, she was greeted with another light bop on her nose.
The midnight mare brought up a hoof of her own, waving the white attacker away from her face. “Must thou keep doing that?”
“Only until you stop letting me get away with it. Now, please stop stalling the conversation.”
Luna nodded.
“Alright, now then, do you agree that allowing Twilight to see that softer side of you played a part in the two of you becoming friends?”
The younger mare sighed. "I suppose that is true, yet, I do not know how comfortable I am exposing myself like that to Twilight so willingly. How could she respect me?"
Celestia countered quickly. "Has she shown you any less respect since Nightmare Night?"
Once more, Luna’s mood fell. Her gaze fell to the bed, while her answer rang with the sound of defeat. "She did not seem very interested in mine offer of compensation for her services as a consort."
"You…” – the solar mare’s composure cracked slightly – “Oh dear. Luna, I haven't made use of that in several centuries. I'm fairly certain our subjects aren't even aware of those old laws anymore. If anything, I would wager, based on what I understand of the current culture, that Twilight was probably put off by your offer because she thought you were trying to buy her body."
Luna’s gaze rose to meet Celestia’s, her brow furrowed, and eyes widening in surprise. "But I recited the relevant laws to her," she replied hastily.
Celestia released a quiet sigh. She made sure to keep her voice measured, so as not to upset her sister further. "Okay, but did you explain that the position of royal consort is actually just a legal formality to keep selfish and greedy ponies from having any legal or political sway just from being romantically involved with us? Did you tell her that you were offering her the position of consort because you are in love with her, or did you only mention the sexual benefits and implications of the position and the guard I assume you offered her?"
Having already been walking the line between calm and panic, the answer to Celestia’s question was a realization akin to pulling a rug out from underneath Luna. She did not land on the peaceful side of the line. "I, er…” her speech came to a halt. She swallowed twice, but could not clear the growing lump in her throat. Despite that impediment, her words began to come faster and faster. “No, no I did not. But I did not mean to imply that… It was never my intention to… Oh blood and ashes!” – Luna’s front hooves rose and fell as she tried vainly to relieve her frustration on an innocent pillow – “Why can't I do anything right? Now Twilight must believe I think her some common trollop! I should never have sent those guards to her!" she shouted, finally deciding that the battered pillow would serve her better by muffling her next scream.
"Did you happen to mean offered, and not sent?" Celestia asked cautiously once the stream of muffled obscenities had ended
Luna replied softly into the pillow.
“Luna, I can’t hear you if you keep talking into that pillow.”
The younger mare pulled her head up enough so that she could speak without impediment. "No, I had arranged for three of my guard to..." her voice trailed as a new realization sank in.
Celestia had preemptively begun to massage her temple with a hoof. "You forgot them at Twilight's and had given them orders to treat her as their mistress, didn't you?"
"Gah!" Luna pulled away from her sister, falling onto her back. "Now she must think even worse of my intentions! I am a hopeless fool!" Luna released another moan, sounding more than a bit petulant to Celestia's ears, while she kicked at the air.
“Luna,” Celestia sighed, “I know it is tempting to act like a child again, but I can’t help you at all if you keep throwing a tantrum.”
Luna promptly rolled over to her side so that she was facing her sister. “I liked it better when thou would at least indulge a bit in my theatrics,” she remarked with a sharp tone.
“And I liked actually being able to sleep between my days.” Celestia began to smirk, however, it died swiftly when Luna did not rise to her bait. "Luna, I am sure Twilight does not really believe you think her a harlot. If she did, you would not have come back here asking for dating advice."
"I know. I know she does not, but that is not the point," – Luna sighed – "Oh, how I must sound like, what is the expression, a shattered recording?”
“Broken record, is the saying,” Celestia calmly corrected.
The midnight mare’s ear twitched. That didn’t sound any different to her than what she had said. She flicked her tail a few times in a vain attempt to quell her rising irritation with her own linguistic ignorance. “See! I even managed to butcher such a simple expression! It feels as though I shall never truly adapt to this world. I feel... ignorant, and dumb.” – Luna nickered – “I hate feeling this way, Celestia. What’s more, I hate how it must make me appear to Twilight. I don't want her to think I am antiquated and stupid," Luna finished in a small voice.
Celestia smiled at her sister, "Luna, I promise you, Twilight would never think ill of you simply because you have not fully adapted to a thousand years of change within a few months. In fact, I suspect if you were willing to share this feeling with her that she would be more than happy to help you 'catch up,’ so to speak. She does enjoy educating others, after all. It would make an excellent topic of conversation."
Luna turned to face Celestia, her once serious expression having melted away into a display of weakness. "Truly, sister? Thou thinkest it would help me?"
Celestia let out a small giggle. "Yes, I do. I told you it was important to show how you were vulnerable. I believe, if anything, admitting this would raise her respect for you, not lower it. Now, why don't you stop being such a pouty face, and cheer up." Celestia punctuated this with another gentle press of her hoof against Luna's snout. Luna gave Celestia her best deadpan glare, but soon broke into a small grin. Which then in turn grew into a larger grin, and finally devolved into a brief spat of giggles, as Celestia gripped her sister once again in her wing.
Celestia continued, "I assume you at least have an understanding of the purpose of a date now, so shall we go over the kinds of activities involved with dating next?"
"Yes, let's move on."
"Very well. The most common activity for a date is for the two ponies to share a meal. Ideally, given your, uh, earlier unfortunate implications, you should make sure that the meal does not seem like an attempt to flaunt material wealth. A low key restaurant or even making a meal for her yourself would be a good way to start."
"Hmm," Luna mulled the idea over in her mind, quickly realizing that it would be a perfect opportunity to show Twilight that she too, enjoys the simple things in life. She mentally thanked Rainbow Dash for bringing that trait to her attention. "A self made meal, that sounds perfect,” – Luna’s front hooves clapped together, mirroring her excitement – “Dost thou have any suggestions, sister?"
Celestia knew she had to be especially careful here. She needed to pick her words with the utmost care. Her advice had to be completely impartial, so as not to give away any of Twilight’s quirks that Luna could easily exploit. At the same time, she also could not afford to give outright bad advice to her sister. Celestia hummed a bit, making of show of her thinking. After a few moments, she finally spoke. "If you plan to make the meal yourself, you'll need to choose a good location to dine.” – Celestia was suddenly struck with a wonderful idea – “Oh, if you prepare the food ahead of time you could make it a picnic! It's a fine time of year for one and being out away from a big city would provide an excellent view of the night sky. That would give you the chance to show Twilight who you truly are and still let you show off a bit as the Ruler of the Night."
"A picnic?” The younger mare’s expression swiftly brightened at the idea. “That sounds lovely! I should have little trouble with the food; some sandwiches and a cheese wheel or three. Oh, and bottle of wine–"
Alarms immediately went off in Celestia’s head. Luna’s lascivious behavior combined with alcohol’s tendency to lower inhibitions was practically guaranteed to end badly. Never mind what that would do to poor Twilight. She interrupted her sister in an instant. "You should probably forego bringing a fermented drink. If Twilight is as weary of your intentions as you believe she is, that might not send the right kind of signal for your first date. If you're truly concerned about how she perceives you, then it would be best to avoid anything that could be misconstrued."
"Hmph, I suppose you have a point.” – Celestia released a sigh of relief – “Perhaps some other kind of juice. In any case, what kind of fare would you suggest? I would like to make sure I bring something Twilight would enjoy."
Finally back to less dangerous territory, Celestia slipped back into a bit of her teaching tone. "For a picnic, you want to bring foods that are easily portable, and not particularly temperature sensitive. If everything is made in advance, hot foods can cool, and cold foods can warm before they are ready to be served. It is best if there is no need to rush through the meal. And knowing your preferences, you should make certain to bring water to cleanse the palate between courses."
Luna nodded. Water was a good idea. After all, she didn’t want a repeat of her seventeenth courtship’s second anniversary. As her memories of previous suitors bounced around, Luna suddenly realized that she had nearly forgotten to ask about a crucial part of courting; gifts. “Before I forget, couldst thou tell me what are considered appropriate gifts these days?”
“That is a tricky subject. Ponies, in recent decades, seem to be constantly debating what constitutes a proper gift at which point in the courtship process.” Celestia raised a hoof, allowing her chin to rest upon it. Her contemplative expression kept Luna from speaking while the older sister mulled over various ideas she’d heard repeated amongst the castle staff over the years. Finally, she settled on what to tell Luna. Her hoof was lowered back to the ground before she spoke. “First, do keep in mind that any gifts should not feel like an attempt to buy Twilight’s affection. These are gifts, not bribes or compensation.” Luna nodded, her solemn expression reminded Celestia of a student listening to an important lecture; the solar mare felt just a bit more comfortable that her lessons were not falling on deaf ears. "As far as appropriate gifts go, you want to give something that shows you put thought into it, something that reflects your feelings, perhaps even something practical that she can use that will make her think of you every time she looks at it. Those are the most commonly effective types of gifts these days."
The younger mare’s expression showed a hint of deviousness on her lips, and a gleam of creativity in her eyes. "This shall do wonderfully. I believe I have some ideas already. Oh this shall be a most wondrous date. Rainbow Dash will not stand a chance. Why, I daresay Twilight shall choose me as the victor before my 'noble competition' even has the opportunity to show off. Thank thee ever so much sister. I shan't let thee or thy student down!"
Luna then dashed off with enthusiasm leaving Celestia to realize out loud, "Wait. Did she just say Rainbow Dash?"
