The Rainbow Blitz Disaster

by arglefumph

I'll Make a Colt Out of You

Rainbow Dash was getting annoyed. The stallions were examining her, like some kind of weird science experiment. It was very disturbing.

"Her tail," Elusive said, running his hooves through Rainbow Dash's tail. "It's so much smoother now!"

"Wow, his snout is so small now!" Bubble Berry said. The pink party pony pushed Rainbow Dash's cheeks in. "I bet he can't even grow a beard anymore!"

"Hey, hooves off my face!" Rainbow Dash said, slapping Bubble Berry's hooves away.

"How did...how did this happen?" Butterscotch asked. The shy pony didn't know what to make of the situation.

"I have no idea," Dusk Shine said. "I don't know how to get him back to normal, either."

"Well, that's simple enough," Elusive said. "Haven't you heard the story of Marelan?"

"The one where a mare dresses up like a colt?" Dusk Shine asked.

"Something like that," Elusive said. "All of Rainbow Blitz's manliness has been sucked out of him, and it's now floating out in the air!"

"Oh no!" Bubble Berry gasped. "Not his manliness!"

"You colts are insane," Rainbow Dash said.

"There's no need to worry," Elusive said. "If Blitz acts manly, the man-particles will be attracted to him and return!"

"Good thing there's nothing more manly than ponies!" Dusk Shine said.

"Indeed!" Elusive said. "So you see, the solution is simple. We just have to help Rainbow Blitz be manly! Then, he'll turn into a stallion again!"

"You colts are insane!" Rainbow Dash repeated. "And besides, I don't want to be a stallion!"

"Nonsense," Elusive said. "Rainbow Blitz, I will teach you how to be a real stallion. I...will make a colt out of you."

Elusive held up a hoof, and dramatic background music started playing. Dash looked around in confusion, as Elusive burst into song.

(Tune: Be a Man from Disney's Mulan)

Let's get down to business
To make you a colt.
'Cause now you're rather useless
And a pathetic dolt!

You're a spineless, pale, pathetic mare
And you haven't got a prayer
Somehow I'll make a colt out of you!

Rainbow Dash was a little miffed that the song was openly insulting her. She was about to complain, when the other stallions began singing backup.

Be a colt!
You must be swift as the coursing river!
Be a colt!
With all the force of the great typhoon!
Be a colt!
With all the strength of a raging fire!
Be a colt!
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!

"So, we're asking Princess Luna for help?" Rainbow wondered.

Bronies are quite manly,
But you are...a mare
You can't sing a bass line
Or grow facial hair

"Help me!" Rainbow Dash moaned.

"Here!" Spines said, opening the front door to the library and pointing at it. Rainbow Dash dodged a few dancing ponies on her way out the door, and she was happy when Spines shut the door behind them.

"It's probably going to be a few minutes before they stop singing," Spines said. "They do that every now and then."

"Yeah, my friends are the same way," Rainbow Dash said. "Thanks for helping me get out of there."

"No problem," Spines said. "I could see you wanted to leave. My name is Spines, by the way."

"I'm Rainbow Dash," Rainbow said.

"So...are you really Rainbow Blitz turned into a colt?" Spines asked. "You look just like him!"

"No!" Rainbow Dash said. "I never even heard of him until just now!"

"Huh," Spines said. "That's weird. Anyway, welcome to Ponyville! Any particular reason why you came here?"

"See, that's the weird thing," Rainbow Dash said. "I've lived in Ponyville my whole life, but nopony seems to recognize me. Plus, they've...changed."

"What do you mean?" Spines asked.

"I mean they...woah!" Rainbow Dash said, suddenly stopping at the sight of a tall farmer pony with a yoke around his neck.

"Howdy, Spines," the farmer said. "And howdy to you, too, ma'am."

"Uh..." Rainbow Dash said. Of all her friends, Applejack's colt version was the most different from the mare version that Rainbow was used to. Male Applejack was noticeably taller, and his hair was completely out of control. Applejack normally kept her pony tail in a ponytail, but this stallion let his short-cut tail run wild in all directions. It was rather attractive, come to think of it.

"Name's Applejack, from Sweet Apple Acres," Applejack said. "Not everyday that Ah see a couple a pretty ponies in town."

"AJ, you flatterer," Spines giggled, but Applejack ignored her. He only had eyes for Rainbow Dash.

"Ah ain't usually this forward, but what's yer name?" he asked.

"Ruh...Rainbow Dash," Rainbow said.

"Mighty fine name," Applejack said, tilting his hat towards her. "Now, if'n you'll fergive me, Ah gotta go meet mah friend Dusk Shine—somethin' about an emergency. Hope t'see yeh again, Miss Dash."

"Buh...bye," Rainbow Dash said weakly, her eyes following Applejack as he walked to the library.

Spines giggled as soon as Applejack was out of earshot. "Oh ho!" Spines said. "Looks like somepony has a crush!"

"What? No way!" Rainbow Dash said. "I don't have a crush on him! That'd be weird!"

Spines looked confused. "I was talking about him having a crush on you," she said. "Did you see the way he looked at you?"

"I...I didn't notice," Rainbow Dash said. She had been too busy, noticing Applejack's athletic, muscular body, and his adorable tail, and his big green eyes, and—

WOAH! STOP! Rainbow Dash thought. You can't have a crush on the colt version of your friend! That's freaky! And besides, they have the same name!

"Ugh, this is so weird!" Rainbow Dash said. "What is going on here? What's happened to my friends?"

"What do you mean?" Spines asked.

Rainbow Dash looked at Spines, wondering if she could confide in this strange dragon. Back in Rainbow Dash's universe, Spike was her little buddy. But he wasn't Rainbow Dash's confidant, the pony she told all her secrets to. Rainbow Dash didn't really have somepony she told her secrets to, mainly because she rarely kept secrets.

"It's just..." Rainbow Dash said. "Okay, this is going to sound really weird, but I've known Applejack for months."

"But you only met him for the first time, just now!" Spines said.

"That's the thing," Rainbow Dash said. "I know him...as a mare."

"Huh?"

"Where I come from, there's a mare called Applejack who works at Sweet Apple Acres," Rainbow Dash said.

"Really?" Spines asked. "That's weird coincidence."

"It's not a coincidence!" Rainbow Dash said, getting up in Spines' face. "They're the same pony! There's also a mare who runs the Carousel Boutique, and a mare who lives at the library, and a crazy pink party mare!"

"No way!" Spines said. "Where you're from, all my friends are mares?"

"Exactly!" Rainbow Dash said. "I know everypony thinks that I turned into a mare, but as far as I'm concerned, they all turned into stallions!"

"But that's impossible!" Spines said.

"I think it may have something to do with the Double Sonic Rainboom I did today," Rainbow Dash said. "Everything was normal, until I did it. Then, everything got all topsy-turvy."

"Okay, look," Spines said, holding up her hands. "I don't know what exactly happened, either. Why don't you ask Dusk Shine for help? He's great at figuring out what's going on when weird stuff happens."

"Yeah, except for the fact that he's singing a song about how they're going to make me manly!" Rainbow Dash said. "Male Twilight isn't going to help me!"

"Wait, Male Twilight?" Spines asked. "Are you saying Dusk's mare name is Twilight?"

"Yeah, Twilight Sparkle," Rainbow Dash said. "That's the librarian in my Ponyville."

Spines was silent for a moment, then she burst into uncontrollable laughter and started rolling on the ground.

---

Ten minutes later, Spines and Rainbow Dash were sharing a booth at Sugarcube Corners. They were also sharing stories, as the two had become fast friends.

"What do you mean you didn't go on the Great Dragon Migration?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Spike did!"

"Well, he must be braver than I am!" Spines said. "I'd love to know more about my parents, too, but not if it means having to deal with a crowd of angry teenage dragons. You know what they do to girl dragons?"

"No," Rainbow Dash said.

"Me neither, but I'm sure it's bad!" Spines said. "I mean, from what you're saying, they made Spike do some nasty things."

"Yeah, true, but he made it through okay, so I'm sure you could have handled it," Rainbow Dash said.

Rainbow Dash wasn't too happy with some of the small details she heard about this world. In her opinion, it sounded like the stallion-run Equestia need a little gender equality. The stallions seemed to think that they were better than mares, which Dash knew for a fact was not true.

A little jingle was heard throughout the store as the front door opened.

"There you two are!" a voice said.

Rainbow and Spines looked towards the entrance of the store. The pink pony standing there trotted over to them. "Dusk Shine has been going crazy, looking for you!" he said. "Where'd you go?"

"We've been here, getting to know each other," Spines said. "No big deal."

"Yeah...we just wanted a little girl time," Rainbow Dash said, figuring she might as well play the gender card. "You know how it is, right, Pinkie Pie?"

"Pinkie Pie?" the pink pony asked.

"Uh..." Rainbow Dash tried to remember the stallion Pinkie Pie's name. "Um...Bubbly Bouncer?"

The male Pinkie Pie started laughing. The noise sounded odd in Rainbow's ears. It was as fast-paced as Pinkie Pie's giggling, but it was much lower-pitched.

"I'm Bubble Berry, silly!" Bubble Berry said.

"Uh...sure," Rainbow Dash said. Personally, she thought Pinkie Pie was the better name. At least she was pink. Bubble Berry didn't seem to have anything to do with bubbles or berries.

Bubble Berry stared at Rainbow Dash, then squinted at her. "So, everypony's wondering...are you a colt or a mare?"

"I'm a mare," Rainbow Dash said. "Duh."

"But...do you just look like a mare, are you actually a mare?" Bubble Berry pressed. "Like, a mare all over?"

"I'm a mare," Rainbow Dash repeated, in an angry voice. "And if you try to check, I will kill you."

"Woah, hey, I'm not that kind of stallion!" Bubble Berry protested. "I'm just curious, you know? I mean, you look just like Rainbow Blitz! And I always suspected he likes pretending to be a mare, ever since that one time he wore a dress and sang 'Dance the Night Away' in front of all our friends."

Rainbow Dash and Spines let out exclamations of surprise. Needless to say, nothing like that had ever happened in Dash's universe.

"Yeah, that was a crazy party!" Bubble Berry said. "Although after that, the Cakes banned all alcohol from my parties. I know where they're coming from, but that's still harsh."

"When was this again?" Spines asked. She didn't recall the Elements of Harmony having a drunken soiree.

"The Hoofball Championships, remember?" Bubble Berry asked. "Our team won, and Applejack brought out the hard liquor to celebrate!"

"Oh, yeah," Spines said. She hadn't been invited to watch the game, not that she wanted to go see some dumb sporting event, anyway. "Wasn't that the time Dusk Shine got in huge trouble for sending a drunken friendship report to Prince Solaris?"

Bubble Berry giggled again. "Totally!" he said. "I still have a copy of that! It's hilarious!"

Rainbow Dash shook her head. "I don't believe what I'm hearing," she said. "Nothing like that happened in my Ponyville!"

"Your Ponyville?" Bubble Berry asked. "What does that mean?"

"It's a long story," Rainbow Dash said. "I tried to tell you guys earlier, but you weren't listening."

Bubble Berry shrugged, then got in the booth next to Rainbow Dash. "I'm listening now," he said. "So what's up, Pegasister?"

Bubble Berry squealed in happiness. He had been waiting three months to have an opportunity to use the term "pegasister". Now he finally got to say it in proper context! It was more fun than he thought it would be!

Rainbow Dash subconsciously spread out her wings, to put a little distance in between her and Bubble Berry. "It all started this afternoon, when I was practicing my new move..." she began.

Comments

[Rainbow87dash]

Huh Dash is handling it better than Blitz
Dumb stallions

[Rainbow87dash]

Well time to get back to watching power puff girls the movie ( I know what your thinking but I'm a dude)

[Shanenator]

This chapter was absolutely amazing. YOU MADE UP A PONY VERSION OF 'BE A MAN' AND HAD THEM BREAK OUT INTO SONG!! So amazing. Difficulty computing. Wish I could come up with ideas half as creative as this.

"Good thing there's nothing more manly than ponies!" Dusk Shine said.

You fucking broke me with this line.
...I love you.

[ShadowLDrago]

"Good thing there is nothing manlier then ponies!"

When I read that line I nearly died laughing!