Hard head meet silly
Three days. Three bucking days! It took me three bucking days, alone with Discord and torrential rain, followed by paranoid rest and invertebrate in the morning, to finally see the first sign of civilization. For freak’s sake, if I was not an herbivore at the moment, I would have starved already.
Discord probably thought it would have been too lame to end the game like that.
I was grateful for that.
Still, to say that I was not in the best of mood after this would be an understatement. Putting it mildly, I would kill horribly for a decent bed and a roof over my head. The way I was thinking now, I’d try to make it a profession, but this being Equestria, the chances of it being a viable job were rather slim.
Not to mention what punishment would invariably await me.
‘TO THE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!’ I jumped and neighed in shock, blindsided by the draconequus’ sudden shout.
Luckily, the train station was still silent from the absence of a living soul. I was, perhaps literally, the only pony in the station.
“D!” I glared at the laughing spirit, gritting my teeth with frustration.
Darn, my heart was still beating madly from this stunt. Just when I was starting to get relaxed.
‘Precisely, my boy.’ He started folding what appeared suspiciously like dark brown paper, eyes narrowed behind a pair of glasses on his snout.
“You will never stop that, will you?” I sighed, glancing around to make sure I wouldn’t be mistaken for a madpony by a random stranger.
‘Reading your mind?’ Discord asked absentmindedly, sticking out his tongue from focusing so much. ‘No.’
No surprise here.
‘No, you see, humans are generally more chaotic than ponies, and that’s saying something. I could make a long explanation, but really, it’s just this.’ He opened his arms wide, showing me a brown earth pony piñata that was suspiciously similar to me.
The object floated in midair freely, without any interference from Discord. In fact, it started galloping, running in circles, in an image strongly reminiscent of a dog chasing its tail.
I had to admit that was insulting. To be fair, I was a little awed by the show too. The draconequus sure was an impressive god.
‘Yes, a little like that, but observe what happens when I do… this.’ My jaw dropped when he made a baseball bat out of thin air, but more in fear than anything else.
Slowly, Discord snuck up on the unsuspecting piñata. As he closed in enough for it to be within reach, the spirit raised the bat over his head.
I watched without a word, mouth dry and eyes wide, not daring to make a move and set him off.
I nearly died of a heart attack when his bat let out a bloodcurdling shriek, startling even Discord. Instantly, the figurine roared and jumped on the bat, causing a chase in the middle of the station.
Completely baffled, I could do nothing but observe as the piñata ran after the squealing bat while barking like a dog. At my side, the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony gently picked up his jaw and mine, putting them back in place.
‘Yeah…’ He said awkwardly.
“Huh...”
‘See what I meant?’
I shook my head, mouth twisted into a confused smile.
I was definitely starting to lose it.
‘Anyway, if you had plans – and you do –, then I suggest you start doing that while I go gather my toys.’ With that, Discord disappeared in a flash of light.
I blinked.
I was alone again, this time in a fancy train station with nothing but my own four-legged body to mess with. If I had had any bits, then they had been lost a long time ago. Maybe after the first slug incident, but frankly, I doubted that I had any money to begin with. It would be his style to make me penniless after making me a rich pony.
Alright, first thing’s first. I had to find out where I was. It was not Canterlot, that much I knew for sure, if only for the lack of anything resembling a medieval castle. Manehattan could be crossed off the check list as well, for similar reasons. Ponyville? Well, I would have known right away.
No, this place was just a train station attached a small city, which looked nothing like the Mane Six’s home.
My eyes darted off from the city back to the walls of the station, which were covered in publicities and various posters. I couldn’t care less about Doctor Mouth Wash’s secret formula for healthy teeth (though that might be useful in the future) or the Flim-Flam brothers’ secret to going from rags to riches (it sounded very tempting to tell the truth, but Flim-Flam brothers, enough said…). I was however happy to see the announcement about the fashion show being hosted in the town’s city hall, aka Fillydelphia’s town hall.
Alright, I now had a name to put on this place. That was step one.
Step two…
No idea what should be step two.
Urgh… I had to start planning ahead. This was not getting me anywhere.
To be fair, I had not expected to last this long. Discord’s continued presence meant my nerves were constantly tested, but not actually past my limits. Either I was getting more resilient to it or he knew my tolerance better.
“Where can this train take me?” I muttered, trying to find an outline of the rail’s trajectory through Equestria.
Ponyville?
Ah, destination: found. No way was I going to let a chance to go there slip by. It was probably part of a brony code that if a ‘human in Equestria’ situation ever happened to you, you had to go to Ponyville. Of course, I could instead troll some bronies saying it was nothing special and I didn’t bother going there, but really, who would I be fooling?
It seemed… fitting that I try to find the mares that made me like the show in the first place.
Now, as I previously assessed, I had no money, meaning I had to find a job or get some charity. Considering my usual level of luck, it would be a job.
Walking up to a counter, I shyly peeked through the window, trying to locate whoever was supposed to take care of that service.
“Hello?”
Nopony in sight…
“YES?!” A batty old mare suddenly jumped out of nowhere to answer my inquiry.
The shock sent me reeling, standing on my hind legs for a second, before dully falling back into a normal stance.
“Hum… I’m sorry, ma’am, but…”
“WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?!” She yelled.
Holy crap… was she competing with Luna for the loudest mare in Equestria or something? My ears were ringing painfully, even flattened against the sides of my head.
“P-Ponyville, but before that, I’ll ne-”
“FOURTEEN BITS FOR 9:00 THIS MORNING!” She cut me off.
Whoa, was there a prize for the most obnoxious employee in town? No need to search any longer, they had a winner right here.
“Look, I just want to know if any places here are hi-”
“THIS ISN’T A TOURIST OFFICE!” She shouted, almost spitting her denture into the glass isolating that harpy from the outside world, where the sane ponies were. “FOURTEEN BITS FOR YOUR TICKET!”
“That’s what I said, I don’t have those bits. I need to find a-”
“NEXT!” Oh buck it…
I’d ask somepony else, hopefully one that would not need an oxygen tank after talking to me. That old bat probably worked as an opera singer before, because, damn, that was loud.
I sighed, resolutely making my way into town, with a mental review of my possible skills and assets. A guy had to make himself look good in an interview, right?
However, all of that flew right out of the window, for the moment, when a green plastic bag collided with my face. The impact, although pitiful in terms of firepower, was nonetheless startling enough to make me trip on my own hooves and fall face first into the ground with a yelp.
Buried under a little mountain of shopping bags, I took a second to recover from the hit and the following dizziness before focusing my attention on the familiar voice talking through the silky mess I was in.
“Oh my, I sincerely apologize, sir. I was just so pleased with myself that I may have spaced out while moving my bags.” I knew that voice. I knew I knew that voice. “You see, there was this fashion show in town and my designs were presented today.” Was that a white coat…? Yes! “To my delight, they were approved by Mister Fancy Pants himself!” Yes, I knew that giggly squeal of pure happiness by heart!
“Rarity!” I exclaimed, unable to hold back.
The elegant mare blinked slowly at the disheveled mess of a stallion that had erupted from her shopping bags.
“I’m sorry… Have we met before?” She asked, frowning slightly, as if searching her memories.
Well, for once, I was not taken by surprise. That I had planned for.
“Oh, sorry, Miss Rarity,” I apologized meekly. “I just heard of your boutique and your dresses before…”
That did the trick. The beautiful unicorn raised her head with pride and adjusted her mane delicately, fixing the tiniest of imperfection. When she spoke again, there was this haughtiness piercing through her otherwise friendly tone.
“Oh, of course. I am glad to meet one of my admirers.” She batted her eyelashes at me, which actually got me tongue-tied (and a helluva bit disturbed by this heat spreading through my chest). “What is your name, Darling?”
DANG IT!
Hum… fake name… fake name…
“G-Groovy H-Hooves…” I replied lamely.
Oh Discord, shoot me in the ass for that one.
‘Give me a minute to fetch my bazooka and you’ve got yourself a deal, boy.’ The draconequus actually replied to me, having me almost frantically shake my head.
‘WAIT! NO! NOT WHAT I MEANT!’
‘Party pooper.’ He sulked.
“Well, my dear, I think it suits you,” Rarity commented, letting out a small feminine laugh.
‘That it does.’ Discord approved.
“However, I believe that this look doesn’t.” She lowered her head, pointing to my wildly tangled coat and mane. “My, it looks as if you haven’t seen a bath or a bathroom for a week!”
“Three days, actually.” I joked, because I couldn’t do anything else but that, not in the face of the fashion expert that she was.
“Oh dear!” She inched back with a hint of disgust going over her features.
Crap.
“I-I mean, I was mugged on the way here! I had to walk for three days straight to reach this place!”
She instantly calmed down.
“Oh,” she commented simply.
It was a bit freaky to be perfectly honest.
“I am sorry if I offended you,” she lowered her head in shame. “I should not have jumped to any conclusion before giving you a fair chance to explain yourself.”
It was my turn to blink.
“Hum… no worries?” I tilted my head to the side, trying to make sense of what was happening.
“So you say you have been mugged?” She asked, giving my coat and mane a closer look.
“Y-yeah, Diamond Dogs.” That should do it. If this was in the right timeline, she’d believe it.
Seeing as her face crunched up in anger, it probably was.
“Those brutes! Why, I remember the time they foalnapped me to dig up gems!” She growled, huffing in indignation.
I, for my part, affected a shocked expression. “No way! How dare they?!”
“I know!” She sobbed melodramatically. “But fortunately, my friends were there to help me!”
For some reasons, I could not prevent a smile from appearing on my face. Hearing her recall it as her friends saving her seemed rather sweet to me, especially considering she was mostly free when they had arrived.
“Which is why…” She turned to me, much more seriously than before. “I will help you now.”
My jaw drop.
Didn’t see that coming.
‘Should have seen that coming.’ Discord quipped. ‘Element of Generosity, hellooooooooooo!’
Too focused on being overly happy at being in a Mane Six presence. Bite me.
…No, don’t.
“That’s…” I said, unable to find the right words.
Was she really going to help a complete stranger like me just because I was broke?
“Tut, tut, tut,” she said, putting a hoof on my mouth. “It will be my pleasure to assist you. Now, tell me what you need. Were you traveling to Fillydelphia?”
“N-no…”
“Where then?” She insisted, leaning closer.
‘I am not self-conscious of the distance between us. I am NOT self-conscious of the distance between us,’ I repeated mentally.
“Hum… Ponyville?” I replied timidly, backing away just a little.
Predictably, she reacted strongly.
“Ponyville? Perfect! I was just about to go back there! We can ride the train together!” She declared, already moving toward the counter to pay.
Grimacing, I crouched down, hooves on my ears and preparing myself for the explosion.
“Hello, young lady, how may I help you?” A sweet honey-like voice greeted Rarity.
To my jaw-dropping shock, no, it was not a new employee. It was the same old hag, except that she was not yelling anyone’s head off. Why, she was downright angelic to Rarity, who seemed oblivious to my rising anger.
My nostrils then flared when she proceeded to sell her two tickets for seven bits each.
“Oh that bitchy man-hating witch… ” I swore under my breath.
I was still scowling when she returned with the tickets floating behind her.
“What a charming old lady, wouldn’t you agree?” The white mare trotted up to me, seemingly very pleased with this turn of event. “She even offered me a discount after seeing my show yesterday.”
“…Yeah…” I looked away.
“Is something wrong?” She immediately asked, easily detecting my lack of enthusiasm and joy.
“N-nothing.” I stood up, chasing away my resentment and bitterness. It was not that important, not with Rarity in front of me, after she had proven herself worthy of the element she represented once more.
For a moment, she stared intensively, obviously not convinced, but her expression quickly softened. “Right, in that case, I suggest you pac- you prepare for the train.” She hastily covered up her slip of the tongue. “It will be leaving in about ten minutes.”
With that, she placed the ticket in my hooves and I finally found my voice to say what I should have said in the first place.
“Thank you so much!” I blurted out.
“Think of nothing of it, Darling.” She smiled, beautifully might I add.
“Oh, it matters more than you can imagine.” I whispered gratefully, a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
“Probably,” she commented, startling me, “but I assure you that no ‘thank you’ is necessary.”
I found myself grinning sheepishly at the graceful unicorn.
“Well, would you like to board together then?”
I got off the train with a smile, parting ways with Rarity thanking her generosity three times over. Her response was to give a little laugh, saying it was worth it and that my mane was, apparently, divine once styled.
Yeah, halfway through the ride, she had decided that remedying to my sorry state could not wait any longer and had great fun doing my mane in a “brand new style”, if she were to be believed.
I certainly did.
I was in awe. Meeting just one of the Mane Six had been a real treat, enough to get me in a goofy lightheaded state. More impressive even, her sheer presence had limited Discord’s intervention to a manageable number. My guess was that he stayed wary of them.
“Alright, time to see more of Ponyville!” I declared cheerfully.
I was feeling great, for once.
The town itself was nothing special by pony standards, I had to admit, but just knowing that things were actually looking up had something exhilarating.
Looking everywhere like a tourist (which I am), I made up my way into the deeper part of Ponyville. This turned out to be an ill-suited strategy as I bumped into another pony because I was looking everywhere but in front of me.
Luckily for me, it was not a pony to hold a grudge (except about a certain promise…).
Pinkie Pie and I gasped in unison, for very different reasons, I imagine.
It was made evident when, right as she was about to run away – possibly to prepare a party for me! Oooooh, the thought made me giggly –, she froze completely, all four legs suspended over the ground.
It was rather cool to look at.
“Oooooooh! We gasped at the same time! Isn’t that totally fun?!” Pinkie suddenly spoke, bouncing up and down excitedly.
I blinked, a bit overwhelmed by the quick change of pace. Internally though, the fact that I would have to get use to this sent bubbles of happiness to my brain.
“It’s like we share a brain! Or ideas! Like they are interconnected and us meeting eyes had the thoughts fly from one head to the other! It’s like sprinkles on a cupcake! You spray them and they always decide to go from one cupcake to the other, but that’s okay because then it’s less orderly and that’s okay too. But it’s not chaos so it’s good, because chaos is like Discord and he was just a big meanie pants that laughed for all the wrong reasons!”
The mention of the spirit in my head had me blushing and feeling very uncomfortable, almost wishing I could back away. It was probably a random sentence of Pinkie being Pinkie and I had no reason to believe she knew anything at all.
Still, when she turned her big blue eyes to me again, I shifted on my hooves.
“It’s not important, however! What’s important is that you are finally here!”
My eyes widened.
“W-what?”
“Well, you came from a very faraway place, didn’t you?” She asked playfully, winking.
I all but blurted out everything. Fortunately, Discord chose that very moment to reappear and play the trumpet loudly, just next to my ear.
The following yelp had me fall face first, with me getting tangled, once again, into my own legs.
“Wow, that was some loud trumpet!” Pinkie commented absentmindedly, looking around. “I wonder who played it though.”
I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I really had no idea what to say to the pink mare. What could I say to that?
Again, her eyes were suddenly sparkling brightly with a new idea. “Oooooh, speaking of trumpets, do you know what we should do?”
I was kind of baffled here. “Hum… play the trumpet?”
“No, silly!” She laughed. “Well, yes, but no!”
Okay, that was simple.
“I mean, we should play the trumpet because it has a nice and crystalline sound and it reminds me of the flugelhorns, which was a really fun instrument too even if I played it too loud once and it cut off Twilight’s welcoming speech, but anyway, I’m saying we should sing a song!”
I gulped down nervously.
“Hum…”
I was so terrible at singing it was not even funny. Someone compared me to a cat being strangled, had me listening to both my singing and that cat, and I thought that person was being very charitable to me. It had scared Giantonio out of his skin and he had assaulted the recorder and me on the few occasions I had dared hum or sing.
“Come on, I greet every new pony in town with a party or a song!” She bounced up and down again, smiling wildly, hoping to wear down my reluctance.
It worked.
“…Okay.”
Before I had the time to blink, Pinkie had assembled an orchestra of musical instruments.
‘Wow… you’ve got nothing on her, D,’ I thought.
Discord grumbled something I did not understand.
What? It was actually true. Pulling stuff out of nowhere was very impressive in person.
‘I do that all the time,’ the draconequus protested, demonstrating that ability by making a cow, a crowbar, an elevator, three statues and a group of ballerina appear in the middle of the town’s square.
Nobody seemed to notice them though.
‘Yes, but you’re a god. That’s standard for you,’ I reasoned, glancing between Discord and Pinkie Pie, the latter of which was happily fiddling with the cords of a harp and humming.
For a second, Discord’s gaze intensified and I wondered if I had not crossed a line once more. As I braced myself for the pain however, he shrugged and disappeared.
Then a pink mane was all over my face, followed by Pinkie’s eyes.
“READY?” She asked enthusiastically.
Taking a step back, I could see a bunch of ponies now standing behind each instrument, looking at me eagerly.
Talk about peer pressure.
“Yeah…”
I totally saw her happy shout coming.
In an instant, she was on an improvised stage, holding a microphone in her hooves and wearing a very nice tuxedo.
The music then picked up, slow, but rather high-pitched. Pinkie’s singing reflected that.
"Will you be my friennnnnnnd?"
The song almost crashed when I realized, almost too late, that I was actually supposed to reply to her question.
This was not going to be a good song…
"S-sure thing!"
Predictably, she giggled, looking very excited about this new prospect. The melody accelerated to reflect her state of mind.
"Great, don't you just love it when you've got a friennnnnnnnd!" Ponies started to gather near us, some already bobbing their heads in synch with the song. "We'll be there for each other to the very ennnnnnnd!"
"That's... that's a little extreme, don't you think?" I interjected hesitantly, trying to follow her jumps on the stage.
I swear, she looked at me like I was a child after that comment. It even carried into her next lines.
"Oh, but that's what friends do!
We play.
We laugh.
We cry.
We smile.
In the end, we do eve-ry-thing, to-ge-theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!"
By this point, most of the other ponies had joined her singing, adding their own voices to the melody.
How did they actually know the lyrics of the song? Did they rehearse that?
The music slowed down again and Pinkie used the opportunity to jump right next to me, bouncing on her hooves.
"Isn't it great that we're friennnnnnnnnnnd?" She sang, leaning against my side.
I eyed her carefully. "I-it is, Pinkie."
"We'll have so much fun together, we'll look out for each other. We'll be like familyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
Something in the air just started to resonate with me, much like it seemed to have happened with the other ponies. The urge to sing grew inside me.
“You'll be like a brother!”
Everypony around me chorused. “Brother!”
Something was connecting everypony to each other. I could feel it. It was trying to get to me.
“A father!” Pinkie giggled, just as the urge overwhelmed me.
I shouted with the others. “Father!”
“A sweet cousin!”
I grinned and stood on my hind legs as I joined the chorus again. “Cousin!”
“An uncle!”
And before I could think about it… “UNCLE!”
Oh, I did not just say tha-
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I freaking loved this chapter, can I just say that? It was nice for this poor character to get a break from his terrible, terrible misfortunes...even if in the end it had to be taken away from him
Maybe he can come back to Ponyville sometime and meet the rest of the Mane 6, yus? preeze? :3
1912706 Of course you can say you loved it! I love that you loved it!
He had to get a little reprise from all the misfortunes... just a small one. Besides, if it's not taken away, then it's too easy.
As for a possible comeback? That remains to be seen...
GOD DAMMIT PINKIE!
1912752
I didn't do it on purpose?
... or did I?
1912768Pinkie didn't. YOU did.
And he was finally in Ponyville!
1912853 I'm confused...
1912888Pinkie didn't. YOU, the author, did.
1912895 You know, that
emoticon is starting to make me uncomfortable... *slowly back away*
...I blame Curly Fries
Shit I'M pissed, can't this guy catch a break?!
1912911Because I am ANGRY!
Why did you have to mess with him just when he was finally beginning to LIKE it.
1912965 Definitely had to look up Curly Fries, never heard of that before today.
I apologize for that. Should I consider it a good anger on behalf of the character, meaning his bad luck reached you, or a clear sign he should get a break fast?
1913118 Yes, I think I had gotten the point a few comments ago...
Let's look at things logically. I had to mess with him at some point. Should I had kicked him while he was down or before he got really used to nice things?
1916999 Hum... something like: "An hunger for your scrolls, they balance evil and will"? I guess you mean you want another chapter as soon as possible and the second part was (maybe?) a compliment I didn't get.
I never played Skyrim, at all.
1923514You did kick him while he was down.
He finally managed to escape from that hell of a desert/plain/wherever the hell he was stranded in, and made his way to PonyVille. He was then just starting to enjoy himself when you screwed him over.
What attempt was this? Four? God, he's systematically being screwed over left and right by Discord.
1.bp.blogspot.com/-KHvGKN4z3TA/ThZxVXY_jHI/AAAAAAAAAug/1Om_ic-V5Oc/s1600/DarthVaderNooo.jpg
Just when things were starting to improve
Okay, I admit that was pretty good, although this guy seems to be worked up about everything and anything. Tho, I wonder if it's because Discord is messing with his mind behind the scenes.
I'll come back to this later.
Aw man this guy's luck
Worst way to be booted from equestria...
I actually feel bad for this guy. It was kinda funny at first, but now it's just reminding me of some of my own crappy circumstances.