You sneeze you lose
“GAH!”
No.
No, no, no, no, no!
This had not just happened! I had not given up, I was just singing along!
I pinched my arms (…hands, fingers) and the hint of pain felt very real. It wasn’t a weird dream within a dream. It was real.
I was really back on Earth.
“Just when it was looking up…” I muttered, miserable. “Three days of constant nagging by Discord under a torrential rain… blown out of the water… by Pinkie Pie’s song…”
Wow, that was just pathetic, even by my new lower standards… I had a shot at a great life, right where I wanted it to be, but trying to fit in had me back in this crappy apartment.
Snap.
I did not actually stand up, not right away. First, I stayed immobile for a moment. How long? An hour, two? I could not tell anymore. Why? Because I had crushed my alarm clock to pieces when it rang.
It had been very satisfying to destroy something, to be the one doing the destroying instead of being the destroyed thing. After that, my lips had twitched upward.
When I stood up though, I fell forward, my face colliding with the wall. When I got back on my feet, I fell backward, my balance being perfectly off.
It hit me quickly enough that I was not used to walking on two feet anymore. Hah, now it was being human that felt alien to me.
I giggled. Now that was a joke I could laugh at.
I doubled over, laughing uproariously, my hands on my sides and my breath cut short repeatedly. I did not stop, not even after tears had started falling off my cheeks. The sad part was that I couldn’t tell what kind of tears they were.
For some reason, I could feel a crack running along my face if I touched it with my hands. Discord even agreed that he could see it. When I looked into the mirror though, it wasn’t actually there. Weird.
I was losing it.
Maybe.
Giantonio replied to me when I asked if he knew the square root of five-hundred-seventy-three. He was wrong, sure, but that was not what tipped me off.
His voice was way too high. It should have been lower, loooooow!
Ah, and he thought he could get away with replacing his vocal cords behind my back. No way, I was taking him back to the vet so he would get his sexy smooth tenor voice back. I hadn’t gotten him neutered for a reason!
It did not happen. I may or may not have chased my cat around my apartment, but it ended when I cornered him in the shower and he scratched me. The burst of pain made me jump backward, right against the handles of the shower.
A cold rain washed down on us both, but only Giantonio ran out like Discord was after him. The familiar sensation had me frozen. Droplets of water simply ran down my head, my shoulders and my chest, sticking my clothes to my skin and sending a wave of human sensations to my brain.
It shocked the crazy out of me. Or at least the giddily happy new part of me.
Things were gray again.
It was a relief though; things were back to a semblance of normalcy. My fridge was even pitifully empty, just like a normal day.
I sighed sadly. How was I going to fix things here? I was already short on money, and if I had to borrow more money from the bank again…
“No way around it.” I grimaced, taking a look at my wallet. “A budget of twenty bucks. Better than last week…”
Giantionio mewled plaintively, demanding that I either give him attention or food. I had no illusion as to which option he would have preferred.
He would have to make do with neither, because I had to do some grocery.
“I think I saw a cricket in the broom closet,” I told him offhandedly. “Eat that as a snack while I go hunt for some bread and butter.”
With a disheartened scowl, I put on my coat and left the apartment.
To be perfectly honest, I was not expecting much, but for the store to be closed on short notice without any reason was still outside of my pessimistic predictions. Apparently, the kind old lady also staring at the sign on my right didn’t expect that either.
“They really do not have much consideration for their more regular customers, don’t you think?” She asked me with a revolted tone. “I took the bus to come here and it will not be back until eleven.”
Shivering despite my winter clothing, I offered her a sad compassionate smile. “Yeah, they really ought to announce these things in advance.”
“Yes!” She vehemently jumped on what I said. “People these days have no consideration for their fellow patriots. It’s all profit for them! It reminds me of that very rude young man I met the other day. Just as I was about to grab the last carton of milk at the convenience store, he snatched it away from me without even an apology!”
…Darn, I hope she wasn’t talking about last week… I could vaguely remember rushing in a convenience store to get a few essentials just before it closed down for the day, partially because my pantry had broken down and half of it had been destroyed.
“The nerves!” I looked away shamefully, hoping she would not connect the dots.
She angrily replaced her saddlebag on her shoulder before trotting off to the bus stop. She still took the time to shout back however. “Oh, there are no words for what those people deserve!”
Well, I could agree that there weren’t any word for what I was living. “Crazy” had been my default definition, but even that had lost its novelty quickly.
Still, I had no idea Karma had been on my back for rudeness toward the elderly. If it turned out that this was the reason Discord had chosen me for this game…
My vision blurred.
“W-what?” I said, the word coming out as a distorted noise to my own ears.
I staggered, my legs feeling heavier… so heavy…
It was impossible to move them anymore. My arms fell to the side of my body, growing too heavy as well. My whole body… felt heavy… so heavy…
What was going on? I… I was so tired… Powerless… Weak…
My eyelids started to lower, outside of my control. I couldn’t do anything. I could no longer see ahead of me, it was naught but darkness.
Discord’s laugh echoed in my mind.
I was a unicorn.
I could easily tell because my horn was apparently embedded in a wooden door. I was stuck up to the base of my horn, my forehead brushing uncomfortably against the… oak planks?
What a great way to arrive on Equestria!
“Twisty Steam…” A feminine voice called with exasperation.
With a glance in that direction, I saw a cream colored unicorn mare, wearing a lab smock. She did not seem particularly happy at me. Fortunately, she was not yet at the stage of equinicidal rage, just the “why me?” stage where everything seems against you.
“Hehe… ” I laughed lamely. “A little help?”
I prayed that she did not decide to ignore me and leave me to this stupid predicament.
“Have you even thought of using your magic?” She rolled her eyes, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
‘Well, no, sorry, Miss something-I-don’t-care-much-about. You see, I did not think about using magic in the five seconds I’ve had to realize I am a unicorn. It looks like the reflex to magic my problems away hasn’t been engraved into my mind yet. Such a shame, really. I must be a complete moron and you should look down on me for that!’
Externally, however, I simply said a little “no”.
‘Someone’s bitter.’ Discord made a ghostly appearance right behind the mare, playing what looked like Little Big Planet on a PSP.
I completely ignored that minor detail. With Discord, that was like breathing.
‘Hey, D! Just the person I wanted to see burn in a bunny fire!’ I cheerfully thought toward him.
‘Cute.’ He rolled his eyes, but otherwise stayed focused on that game.
‘You have any idea why I’m suddenly back here when I was standing outside in the middle of the street, just a minute ago?’ I asked him, one eye twitching.
‘My guess is that you needed to rest.’ Discord replied with a distressing simplicity.
“Hold still…” The mare suddenly decided to assist me.
As soon as she had spoken, a green aura surrounded my mid-section like a vest, or like the lab coat I was also wearing, apparently.
I yelped when she started pulling. She gave no signal or indication she would whatsoever! Not to mention she pulled so hard, my neck almost suffered from the whiplash. And, of course…
I was still stuck…
“Urgh, how do you get yourself in these situations?” The mare sighed.
“I have no idea,” I said very truthfully.
The heck if I knew why I had arrived with my horn already stuck in a door. The heck…
“Push against the door with your front legs,” she ordered.
Obediently, I positioned myself as she instructed, vaguely aware that Discord had gotten some popcorn to watch this new development.
“Put some effort into this, you idiot.” She grunted, using her magic to pull again.
The impression of a giant air bad crushing you from all sides was just bad enough to be good incentive. Of course, the mare appeared to be slightly sloppy with her telekinesis, because it reached too high, namely up to my neck, and too low (I’m not mentioning how much…).
Needless to say, this was very uncomfortable and humiliating.
Just another day in my life… You’d think I would have gotten used to this by now.
‘Why the long face, boy?’ Discord snickered, taking great pleasure at my discomfort. ‘It sounds exactly like the kind of thing you would need.’
‘You’re a first class pervert, you knew that?’
‘Oh no, don’t be mistaken.’ He shook a claw in the air. ‘If you enjoyed this in the slightest, I probably would arrange for things to crash down.’
I gave him a flat look. ‘…I still say you’re a pervert.’
My thinking was however cut short by a particularly brutal pull.
“Hey!” I protested, my voice coming out more as a squeak than anything else.
“Oh shush, you’re just stuck here too deeply! Now suffer in silence and push!” She gritted her teeth together, her horn’s glow intensifying as much as the grasp on my torso.
How the heck did she expect me to put any effort into it if I couldn’t breathe?!
Grunting, I poured as much strength as I could into my front legs, silently cursing the door, my horn, Discord, the world and old ladies, in that order.
“Finally!” She screamed as a loud “pop” could be heard.
I was free! Thank Celestia.
“Now get going,” she sniffed haughtily, moving her glasses back onto her muzzle. “We will be late because of your stupidity.”
I glared, panting a bit too heavily to reply. This mare was seriously getting on my nerves. Like, heavily. It grew worse when I felt someone poking me in the ribs.
‘You like her, don’t you?’ He said with a giddily tone.
‘Burn, D. Burn and explode. When you’re done exploding, explode again.’
‘Enough sweet nothings and get going, you lazy little colt. Your Juliette is waiting.’ He snapped a finger, causing a small explosion right where I had been sitting.
Instantly, I was on my hooves. The burst of pain served as a great incentive and, in less time than it took me to think of a good reply, I had reached the irritable mare.
“Good grief, Steam. You truly are out of it today.” She shook her head, as if wondering what she had done to the world to get this drop on her shoulders.
“Didn’t get any sleep,” I muttered, hoping she’d drop it already.
Instead, of course, her eyes narrowed at me suspiciously. “No.”
I blinked dumbly.
“What?”
Now fully pissed off, she walked up to my face and growled.
“No. You are not going to put off this experiment again. The last time, it was a hurting stomach, before that, it was the dead great-grandma – may she rest in peace –, before that, it was the bad traffic in the middle of the night, so… NO, we are not going to report the experiment to later, again. DID I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!”
“Yes, ma’am.” I squeaked with a tiny voice.
Holy crap…
“Good.” She turned around, an evil grin on her lips. “If my theory is correct, then we may be on the verge of discovering how to convert rocks into magical energy!”
I had to admit, this sounded pretty cool.
However, judging by the expression on Discord’s face…
‘It’s not going to work, is it?’ I asked flatly.
At that, he started to whistle.
And a halo appeared over his head.
Yeah, I’d definitely trust that.
I sighed. For some reason, I had no doubt this would all be twisted as to falling on my shoulders.
“Take your place at the table, Steam.” Miss Cold Sublimation, as I had learned from her name tag, magically pushed me toward a counter where a dozen of vials and colorful solutions were lazily waiting.
The lab was deceptively ordinary looking, what’s with the pristine white walls, the fans and the water faucets on every corner. However, the more uncommon elements were the mixtures lying around. No chemist would ever mistake them for non-magical components. Heck, I was not one, but I was reasonably certain that no metal floated and periodically changed color whenever someone walked past it. Of course, that was without getting to the bunny shaped bolts of lightning moving back and forth between two electrodes in the back of the lab, or the regenerating burning feathers (Philomena, anyone?), or even the dark green scales that seemed to resist point blank annihilation.
Just… this was clearly a magician’s lab. Cold Sublimation’s if all the signs were to be believed. I, Twisty Steam, was just her beleaguered lab assistant. Not too bright too, judging by how she treated me.
“Now, pick up the mandrake’s roots, forty-three milligrams, and the Hydrofluoric Acid, 25 milliliters.”
My eyes widened in fear behind my safety goggles.
Acid?! Hydrofluoric Acid? Was that dangerous?
“And be precise with your measurements!” My boss added urgently, examining and pampering with instruments on her side of the lab. “AND don’t allow them to come in contact with each other!”
Ah, that answered my question. It was dangerous.
Gulping down what little saliva I had left, I stared at the health hazards in front of me for just a second too long…
“HURRY UP!”
Startled, I reached for a graduated cylinder with my hooves, which, of course, caused my boss to shriek.
“What are you doing?!” She stomped off to me, obviously having no more patience toward my clumsiness. “You’re supposed to weight the roots without magic! You can’t touch the acid with your hooves!”
Well, I was grateful for that, but how the heck was I supposed to know? Shouldn’t she give me instructions or something?
Then, my mind focused on the rest of what had been said and I felt a cold sweat run down my spine. She had mentioned that I couldn’t manipulate the acid with my hooves, which was great and a great relief to boot… except for the part where it meant I had to use magic for the first time to manipulate acid!
If I did not have the unflappable conviction that Discord would not let me just quit, I would have done just that.
Alas, I was too chicken to try. Seriously, my knees were shaking at the idea of what he could come up with if I pissed him off. There was this cold, growing sensation at the pit of my stomach that slowed my movements every time I remembered the previous rounds. Without a doubt, I’d give this an honest try.
I lowered my head, bringing my horn closer to the counter and the vials. With great precaution, I aimed it at the bottle I knew contained the acid, without acknowledging anything else. My mind was cleared of all distractions; it was as if a bubble was surrounding me, cutting me off from the outside world.
I willed the magic to gather in my horn, I really did. When nothing happened, my eyes went to the appendage, my breath hitched up and I almost let out a panicked whimper. This had to be boring to watch. This had to be boring to watch!
A sharp claw fell on my shoulder. I froze, eyes wide and staring intently right in front of me, nowhere in his direction.
‘Oh lighten UP, boy,’ Discord groaned, which was followed by a heavy weight on my back. W-was he sitting on me?
Lauren Faust! I could feel his breath on my mane!
Instant shiver.
‘So nice to see you listen to me…’ He said with a tone implying a pout. ‘But really, loosen up a bit. I’m not going to make your boss explode if you can’t do it.’
Wait…
I heard him snort. ‘You’re a horrible pony!’ He mock screamed. ‘You liked the idea for a second!’
I was a horrible person. Oh. No.
“How long are you going to stand there like a donkey?! We don’t have all day!” Cold Sublimation asked drily.
Horrible… Bad, bad person…
“I think I’d be better off with a filthy monkey…” She muttered.
Oh, I was such a horrible person. The world would be so much darker without her smiles to illuminate the days. Why, she was the perfect model mare.
What? I had to convince myself it would be bad.
Discord was definitely amused now. Good. ‘You know, that thing you just thought up about her horn… I must try it the next time I get out of my prison. They’ll never expect that.’
Now, to add to the freakishness of this all, he began styling my mane, in braids.
…What?
‘Just for that, I’m helping you.’ And, right after that, I heard the sound of two claws snapping together.
Why was my horn feeling funny now?
…
Oh boy…
My horn was shining with a pure white light now and, somehow, I knew exactly how to direct all that energy into a telekinesis spell. At this point though, I would not even question it. I’d take what I could get.
So, ignoring the constant pull of my mane being styled by a spirit of chaos and disharmony, I carefully lifted the materials for the experiment.
It… it actually went well.
The acid flew gracefully, under my watchful – and frightful – eyes, protected by safety goggles, of course.
Losing it? A little. Not going to take chances with acid though.
“Good, you can actually do what you’re instructed to do after I leave you alone for a long time.” Cold rolled her eyes, taping her hoof against the ground impatiently.
Keeping silent, I simply went on to start weight the roots. It was much harder than it should be, but really, I had no fingers; how was I supposed to make careful adjustment to the quantity I put in the balance?
The answer? It was a long and tedious process.
As I finished this task, sighing with relief that it was over, my boss let out a startled yelp.
“T-Twisty Steam!” She looked baffled, to the point that I started shifting on my hooves, growing uncomfortable under such an intense gaze. “What happened to your mane?!”
Oh.
‘It’s that bad?’ I frowned.
‘She has no sense of fashion,’ the draconequus huffed, before disappearing in a flash of light.
‘I’m not even going to bother…’
“What’s wrong with it?” I asked innocently, tilting my head a little for optimal effect.
For a moment, the mare stared, which was unbelievably rude. She could not take her eyes off my mane. Seriously, moving my head left and right had her following the movements.
It was kind of hilarious to be honest.
Slowly, I picked up the ingredients she had requested, with glee when my magic worked perfectly I’ll admit, and made my way to her. With every step I took, mouth occupied by the vase with the mandrake roots, I fought the urge to laugh.
She was as still as a statue, with the exception of her eyes that kept widening, fixated on my mane. Darn, Discord was good.
‘You said it, boy!’ The draconequus approved, making his entrance with another blinding flash of light.
Blinking, I willed the spots in my vision to go away so I could focus on what was in front of me. I could hardly see as it was.
‘I really believe we should spice things up a little. Braiding might be a hobby of mine, but it only accomplishes so much.’ Discord sounded pensive, sitting like that one statue, paw holding his chin…
My heartbeat accelerated at his words. Spicing things up was far on my to-do list at the moment.
‘Oh, I know!’ He snapped his claws and I half-expected a giant mutated plant to destroy the lab. ‘Not bad, but I have a better idea, boy. We’re going to reenact a TV show!’
My jaw slackened with the confusion, which resulted in me nearly dropping the roots. ‘…What? I’m a little in the middle of something right now. Literally.’
‘Oh don’t worry; I infused some chaotic magic in your mane. She’s hypnotized until you speak out loud.’ …Ouch, I was getting a headache just trying to imagine how broad his options were. And he was sealed, right now? ‘Considering I can only affect one or two living beings at a time, in comparison to millions, yes, I would say that my powers being blocked to a 0,00001% level is a rather efficient seal.’
Holy sweet cheese wheels dipped into hot sauce doing somersaults in my mouth… my head was spinning. That was more than a little scary.
‘I swear, nobody ever understands it on a gut level. I have to get them to try to expand their puny perception.’ He sighed, as if he was a poor misunderstood soul. ‘Now, back to more serious matters, we will play one of those game shows that test your luck.’
‘Don’t waste your time, skip the luck and just destroy the universe,’ I thought acidly.
For sole response, Discord created a big spinning wheel, with many sections divided by colors. ‘Don’t ruin my fun, boy. Look, there isn’t even a ‘destruction of the universe’ option on the wheel.’
‘No, you’re right.’ That didn’t mean any of the options were appealing though.
Tail on fire (sad), gas leak (what kind was he talking about here? I wouldn’t mind oxygen, maybe), sudden tax evasion fraud accusation (HECK NO!), Pinkie Pie visits the lab (…no), Celestia finds out about a long lost relative (self-inserts now?) and… sneeze?
…Guess that last one was there to fit with ‘Chaos and Disharmony’. It stuck out like a sore thumb.
Whatever, not like I was going to get that. It’d be too much of a break.
…
‘Discord…’ I stared in his direction.
‘Yes, boy?’
‘Why are you snickering all of a sudden?’ My eyes narrowed, I glared, suspicions rising.
‘No reason. Just think when you want the wheel to stop,’ he said, raising his paws high above his goat head and launching into outer space like a rocket, fire propulsion coming out of his tail included!
The mandrake roots fell on the floor as did the acid, because heck if I could hold them when I was that stunned. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I still was.
Oh, and the wheel was spinning so fast the colors had all blended together.
One eye twitching, I thought it would be nice if all this stopped. Just so I could rest my brain a little.
The wheel started to slow down at that. RIGHT!
Before my eyes, each section of the wheel started to change color every time it passed the needle, giving me the impression it stayed unmoving. Not quite accurate, as I could make out the names of each event.
What would create the biggest disaster? I supposed Pinkie Pie could be one or just harmlessly bring us cupcakes. That would be nice, so it was out of the question. Second to that would of course be the tax evasion thing. No one, human or pony, like that.
I watched carefully, as the wheel slowed down and stopping on…
“ATCHOO!”
Everything seemed to return to normal at that moment.
Cold Sublimation was broken out of her trance, since I had technically spoken, the wheel went out in a puff of logic or nothingness, whichever, and I had unleashed an accidental beam of magic because I had no control when Discord wasn’t helping me.
“TWISTY STEAM!” Cold shouted, sounding oddly panicked. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”
Oh yeah, I had dropped the stuff it took me half an hour to prepare. Crap. I was not looking forward to the lecture I was going to get. Better now than later though.
That’s when I looked up, really looked up, to her. She was frantically mashing her hooves against the control panel of the machine with the electrodes and the lightning bunnies. There seemed to be a white light enclosing said electric animals. Worse even, my magic seemed to provoke an effect of resonance between the electrodes. The whole thing looked about to explode.
Oops.
Steam escaped from one side of the machine, while glass cracked on another, all pointing out toward an incoming disaster. The bunnies even started to fight. If that was not a sign of impending doom, then it was Discord messing with my head.
Or, more likely, both.
It built up on itself, the slowly darkening energy, as my boss tried to contain the problem, screaming at me not to move or do anything. I was more than happy to obey, with more and more signs of overwhelming pressure becoming evident.
It was… fascinating. No, really, not kidding. The whole thing was one glorious disaster building up and feeding on itself, growing more and more dangerous by the second. A crazy part of me liked it.
Right at the center of it, where the electricity and my chaos-infused magic met, there was this tiniest spot. It was so minuscule I was left wondering if I was imagining it. However, it really struck me as odd, because, at the center of a mass of lightning and white colored magic, it was pitch black, absolutely pitch black. It was as if light itself was dragged into it…
My heart skipped a beat.
Bucking fuck!
I had created a black hole!
Then, as if obeying some cartoon’s logic (…no, don’t say anything), an immensely powerful suction started sucking out all the air in the lab. The pull was so great Cold and I were left dangling like leaves, holding on to the nearest piece of furniture desperately.
Even over the roaring wind, I could hear the overwhelming fury of my boss. To be fair, she had a fairly good reason this time.
“YOU FOOOOOOOOOOOOL!” Cold lost it, foaming at the mouth, now scarier than even the Slenderman mythos. “YOU’VE DOOMED US AAAAAAALL!”
Meanwhile, I was left staring agape at the sheer level of cunning needed to cause the destruction of a whole world by making a unicorn sneeze. Also, I could not form a coherent thought beyond ‘Blackholeblackholeblackhole OHMYGOD blackhole THEFUCK blackhole HOOOOOW blackhole!’.
And…
“UNCLE!”
“GAH!”
I jolted out of my bed, crashing onto the cold tiled floor of something that was not my bedroom.
I’d care later about the green gown I was wearing or the white walls or the blue curtain on the other side of the room. At the moment, my mind was trying to digest the whole thing.
It all came down to the kind of sentence nobody expects to say sincerely.
“Oh… my… God… I destroyed Equestria!”
Oh, also, I was in a hospital.
What?!
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1923514
XD jokes you tell that no one else gets are the best jokes. I got that from Fallout Equestria: Heroes.
1924618 I dunno. I usually like it when people get my jokes! XD
On a sidenote, I haven't read, Fallout Equestria: Heroes. How is it?
1927220
Really good! It makes a lot of references to the original, and another one called project horizons, but it's not totally necessary to have read the others to get the story.
Wait, if there are is no more Equestria, then that means that there are no more ponies to mind jack. I haven't been keeping count, but doesn't that mean that Discord can't send him to Equestria for the rest of his trips?
1930044 It's been seven rounds. Technically, there are three left, unless he refuses to cave in and stays. That was the initial idea, right?
1930191
Yeah, but if Equestria has been consumed by a black hole, then the rest of his trips are going to be in the center of a quantum singularity.
Giant Snow elvs from the moon eating sweet rolls fus ro yaying, you used my stuffs well now i,m just gonna heve to do a back flip *Does back flip land on faces*. and now i,m in the Hospital
1939340 Get better soon?
(But seriously, I asked you beforehand, it shouldn't be a surprise worthy of landing in the hospital. At most, it's papercut worthy... 
)
“Good, you can actually do what you’re instructed to do after I leave you alone for a long time.” Cold rolled her eyes, taping her hoof against the ground impatiently.
you know I'm getting real tired of your shit
Ah yes, i've heard of that potion before, The 'Divide by Zero' potion. It immediately takes on the effects of when someone divides by Zero.
Which of course results in a black hole
That's a delightfully subtle slip.
1939340
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Yeah, he's going fucking insane.
This reminds me of this;
Taping your hoof to the ground when you're impatient seems to be a poor utilization of time, don't you think?