Alright, this sounds utterly stupid, I know, but... I've made a deal with Discord. WAIT! DON'T LEAVE YET! I... I didn't want to... much. Alright, I was just too scared to tell him "no"! He wants to play a game... help?
Alright, this sounds utterly stupid, I know, but... I've made a deal with Discord. WAIT! DON'T LEAVE YET! I... I didn't want to... much. Alright, I was just too scared to tell him "no". He wants to play a game... help?
...
The rules?
Oh, from now on, every time I fall asleep in the human world, I get transported to Equestria, into a new body. I can stay as long as I don't give up, even until I die apparently! If I do, I get sent back to our world. Discord, being so bored in his statue, will influence my fate while I'm in Equestria. The game will only last ten rounds, at most.
Do you know of this blurry warmth that everyone feels when they wake up under cozy sheets in their bed? Well, so did I and I wished it would have been this way for yet another morning. Actually, I was not quite sure what time it was right now, every sound seemed to sort of blend together into this great rumble of thunder, voices indistinguishable from one another.
I probably owe you all an explanation, right? Well, I’ve got time until my vision’s adjusted to this extreme brightness, I guess. I’d really like to know what all the screaming is about though…
It all started with me having the crappiest day of my life in recent history.
It started off with me being late, as with all bad days. Instead of waking up at 6:30 am, I was instead brought back from the land of horrible nightmares by my crazy obese cat Giantonio, who decided that my face was the comfiest place for his nap, at 9:24 am.
Spitting out cat hair was low, like bottom of the barrel low, on my list of ‘worse ways to be woken up’, but it still paled in comparison to realizing I had six minutes top to get to class for my finals.
Did I mention I live kind of far away from the university when one does not own a car?
Luckily for me, I did own a car.
But, as I said, bad day.
As it turns out, the snowstorm had taken its toll on my rustic babe and she refused to move her lazy ass from my driveway.
One minute to go…
In my incoherent mind, sprinting like a mad moron was the best way to solve this problem. However, what was completely obliterating my idea was… yup, you guessed it: snowstorm.
The unfunny thing with snowstorm is that it tends to snow. No, not joking. It means that with all that snow covering the ground, it’s nigh impossible to see the patches of fu-freaking (language, me!) ices underneath all that white powdered treachery.
I would describe the surge of pain that went through my whole face as I bashed my nose into the pavement, but at the time, I was still more concerned with my finals going on without me. One might have admired my focus if, you know, someone had actually witnessed it and cared, which was a long stretch and the kind of leap of faith I was not willing to make. Not with my luck being massacred this badly.
So, running with a bloody nose for another twenty minutes to be told I was not allowed to enter the examination room kind of set me on the edge. Being a reasonable student that had only lost a few months’ worth of study due to a snowstorm wrecking my day in more ways than one, I, with civility, humility, rationality, started insulting the teacher!
…
The aftermath of that…
I don’t have the heart to tell you.
To cut to the chase, I spent at least one hour crying to myself in my bathtub (don’t judge me, you heartless BASTARD!) out of sheer frustration and heartbreak (there was that part about my most recent crush calling me a total loser to my face too, didn’t mention that now, did I?).
After this mother of all bad day finally getting to a conclusion, with me now having to retake my classes and possibly face expulsion, I allowed myself some guilty pleasure in reading fanfictions, mostly self-inserts that would go into Equestria and that would have this ‘incredible’ adventure, then I went back to the source of all bronydom: the TV show.
It was a completely random selection, or, at least, when I clicked on the link, I assumed it was a completely random choice, but after what happened next I allowed myself to have doubts.
My computer screen started showing me “The Return of Harmony, Part 2”. Yeah, you can see it coming, I bet. Well, I didn’t. Cut me some serious slack. Did you not hear me when I recounted my day to you?
So, it gets to the part where Discord is being his silly self and takes the blast of rainbow sunshine light that restores the world to his freaky long-legged rabbit free state. At that part, I just get the urge to quip to no one in particular (maybe Giantonio) : “Should have seen it coming, D. Still, the chocolate milk glass thingy was awesome. Sure hope to see more of you in the near future.”
On that, I closed the window and stretched my arms lazily, being slightly less tensed than twenty minutes ago.
“Awww, you flatter me.” His – his! – voice echoed in my crappy bedroom, having me jump out of my chair and away from my computer. “Oh, don’t have a heart attack, dear boy. It would be a shame to lose a fan of the chaos.”
Have I taken my meds today? If so, note to self: I don’t need meds!
Freakier still, Discord’s laugh filled my room. That’s about the part where I considered the cost of laundry for a clean pair of jeans.
“Oh, the meds!” He said, coming out of his hysteria. “Good one, boy, it reminds me of the time I played doctor with the flutterponies.”
Finding out the price of a good laundry was becoming a very urgent need.
“Well, no need to be that awed by my appearance,” he chuckled, giving me the distinct impression he was putting on imaginary sunglasses.
“Speaking of which, where are you?” I asked stupidly, then quickly added: “Not that I want to s-”
“Behind you.” He replied, poking my shoulder with something sharp.
I let out the girliest scream ever since I hit puberty.
My manliness gone and my heart playing ‘Dragonforce’ on expert, I realized that he was actually next to me, to my right. I also realized that Giantonio had fainted, the lucky, useless fluff ball, and that I was really face to face with Discord.
First impression: a cartoon character looks amazingly weird in the real world. It was almost fascinating how the lack of depth seemed inscribed into his very being, adding to the already surreal Discord.
“Very impressive.” He started clapping slowly, in a fashion not unlike how he had mocked the mane six. “I think even the little pony girls did not put on that kind of display.”
“…Shut up…” I gritted my teeth, blushing like crazy.
“Now, now.” Discord wrapped an arm around my neck, sending shivers everywhere his cartoony fur touched me. “I just wanted to show some appreciation to you, dear boy. You know, let you know that your compliments haven’t let me stoned.”
I stared.
He stared back.
“That… was a really bad pun, D.” I explained lamely.
There was this part of my brain that was screaming ‘RED ALERT’ everywhere at first, but Discord had reached into my mind and pulled the switch on that one. I was not sure if I should have been grateful or not.
“Oh, cut me some slack!” The draconequus pouted, his tone taking a turn toward annoyance. “You’re a real party pooper.”
Last time he had been annoyed…
“Well, I’ve just had the worst day of my life, D!” I tried to justify myself.
He looked at me flatly. “I was turned to stone. Again. After a thousand year imprisonment of just that.”
“Okay… Point.” I patted him in the back (what the hell, hand?). “But I’m sure mine was a close second,” I argued, not to be undone by the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony.
“Let me take a look,” he said.
Before I had the time to blink, Discord’s claws had sunken into the sides of my head and pulled, effectively cutting my head in half, on the vertical.
Freakiest. Sight. Ever.
Discord threw my face over his shoulder, before leaning forward and looking into my brain.
If my mouth was still attached to my body, I would have puked my guts out. That trick would have looked fine in a cartoon, albeit a morbid one. NOT HERE! It was pure sickening and a pure reminder of what Discord was at his core.
I considered myself lucky he bothered replacing my face to its rightful place. Still, I said nothing while Discord had this thoughtful frown on his face.
“BORING!”
“W-what?!” I screamed, indignant.
“You call that Chaos? I say that’s nothing more than an organized mess!” He yawned.
Well, he would know. And wow, never thought I would one day have Discord looking at me with disdain. That is, when he was not using Giantonio as a lime for his claws.
Huh, I had no idea his body was that rough. It always felt puffy to me…
“Still, I suppose that for puny humans that was pretty bad. Ponies have to deal with me.”
“Freaking ponies…” I muttered angrily.
What? It stung my pride as a human to be looked down like that. I did like the show, but that really had no place in comparison. Even when I had the crappiest day ever...
“Oh?” Discord’s closed in, his body twirled around me. “Do I sense jealousy?” He snickered, eyes shining with unshed tears.
And I apparently dropped my non-existent meds in Discord’s mouth because he was delirious!
“No.”
“Yes, you do.” He was suddenly much closer to my face and he did not look that silly anymore… “Don’t lie to me, dear boy!”
Okay, sure thing, D. Could you please get out of my personal space now? Throwing up out of sheer terror was not on my to-do list for the day.
I slowly nodded, eyes wide.
“Good, now that this has been established, why don’t we play a game?”
No way in hell!
“I’m listening… hesitantly.” I gulped down, trying not to be mind read again, but alas, I was not a psychic in the first place.
“Oh, you kidder you.” He laughed in my face. “Did you know you are very much to my liking?”
This was getting incredibly awkward...
“Yes, you make me want to be nice.” Redeeming him through love? I remembered reading a fanfic of that once and I shuddered. Never again. “So much that I will actually grant your wish.”
“W-what wish?” Did I say something like that? Oh sweet hot-dog, did I say anything that could be interpreted as a wish by Discord?!
“Why, to go to Equestria, of course!” He said as if it was painfully obvious.
“I… I don-”
“Tut tut tut.” He waved a single finge- claw at me. “You wished to escape your problems when you started watching those videos, don’t deny it.”
I blinked, stunned.
“Well, here is the destination: Equestria.” He suddenly grabbed me, making me squeak, and pointed to the horizon (aka, the wall). “Imagine. The land of ponies, where friendship is magic. No car that breaks down when you really need it. No teacher with stupidly strict rules. No heartless girls to break your heart. Not even this cold weather that costs you a fortune in heating every year.”
Holy crap, that sounded like my kind of place... well, of course, I already knew all that about Equestria, but it was music to my ears.
Still.
“What’s the catch?” Other than me getting stuck there when I did not even truly want to go in the first place.
“It will be a game, my boy.” Discord grinned. “I am terribly bored in that statue, so I need a little distraction.”
'And I get to be the chew toy. Hurray!' I thought.
“Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. After all, it would be a great service you’d do for me.”
“Hum…” How to turn him down without being horribly punished? Come on, this was Discord! He was bound to make it all a living hell if I refused! "You see..."
“Great! Here are the rules: I will send you to Equestria, free of charge. You will wake up at any time of the day, in pony form – and that’s a bonus I did not throw in for the last guy –, with a twist to your situation, all of that to my choice.”
“HELL NO!” I screamed, before slapping my hands on my mouth and rapidly becoming pale as a corpse.
To my shock, Discord simply rolled his eyes while shrugging off my insolence. “In return, you will be able to cancel the whole deal every time, by crying ‘Uncle!’ out loud. If you do, you will be sent back to this world until the next time you fall asleep.”
My brain stopped functioning.
He was giving me a way out?
“The game will last a maximum of ten rounds. Each round ends when you give up or I get bored and leave you alone.” I certainly wouldn’t be counting on that during the game… “If you don’t give up, then you can continue to live in Equestria forever in the life you got.”
I eyed him suspiciously. “You won’t… kill me, right?”
“Oh please.” He shook his head like I was talking nonsense. “Killing? Where is the fun in that? No, I will not provoke your death and if you do find yourself in a lethal situation, you can always give up for that round. Do we have a deal?”
Frankly, I’d love to say “no” and the bastard knew it since he was reading my mind. If so, he also was aware that I would not refuse out of fear of what he might do to me.
However, what really bothered me was that he probably knew that I thought he had a point earlier. I really wanted an out on my life now that it was spiraling out of control. Equestria? A place where love and friendship are forces of nature? That sounded like the kind of place I really needed to be.
Glancing around my small, mediocre, bedroom, I did not find anything really worthwhile, except maybe Giantonio, but that fatass was still unconscious, so he had no right to speak up. I guessed there was my computer screen, with all the entertainment that it provided me with, but that simply served to convince me more. Instead of dreaming about that kind of stuff, I had a chance to live it.
Ten shots at finding my dream life in Equestria? Those weren’t bad odds to me.
“…Yeah. I guess we do.”
Oh Celestia (better get used to local customs fast), I just made a deal with Discord.
What could possibly go right?
For starters, Discord’s creepy triumphant laugh did not help. “Splendid! I’ll see you soon then, dear boy.”
Under my feet, I started to feel a tremor, growing stronger and stronger by the seconds. Very quickly, my whole apartment started shaking and Giantonio jumped five feet in the air before going through the window.
“I hope you’ll enjoy Equestria. For bronies like you, it is just perfect, but do try not to lose your head!”
Why did that sound like a bad pun?
And why was the earthquake still ongoing?
I heard a mighty crack form, via an impossibly loud and sinister noise of pressure breaking through. My heart beating at an hundred miles per hour, I dared not look, but I still knew where it was coming from.
The ceiling gave in and I was submerged under the debris.
Everything turned black.
So, there, that’s what happened. At the moment, I was trying to digest the whole thing and blink fast enough to see something. The searing pain in my eyes couldn’t be a coincidence. It reminded me of the sensation of getting a bright source of light in your face after walking in the darkness for hours.
I shrugged. I’d better try to see if Discord had honored his words, at least.
I couldn’t move very well (what was up with that?), but I did feel the weirdest sensation at the back of my tailbone and even in the middle of my back. I had an inkling of an idea what that could be, but let’s not be hasty.
My brain did not figure out right away how to move my new tail or wings, I’ll admit it, but it happened eventually. I did not get to do much with my wings though. For some reason, they were strapped to my back.
I could not help a grin. I was a pegasus! I’d be able to fly! That game sure started to sound really awesome to me now.
“-and thus, verdict has been given!” Said a pony I recognized easily.
Who wouldn’t recognize the Royal Canterlot Voice? No brony couldn’t not know it.
So, Luna, pegasus… could this round turn out any sweeter?
Well, apparently, it could. There were now cheers from a crowd, and, unless my egomania was acting up again, they were directed at me!
“Silence!” Luna demanded, with what I imagined was a very intimidating glare. “The prisoner will now be allowed to speak.”
Wait… prisoner?
‘That’s my cue, boy.’ Discord's voice rang to my ears, followed by a snap of fingers… claws.
Suddenly, my vision became very clear.
And my eyes widened in shock at the sight in front of me.
Holy crap… holy saint hot-dog!
I could not move due to magical restraints. My (red) wings were not only strapped, but chained to a steel door. Princess Luna was indeed close to me, but she looked positively murderous, as did the crowd that had been cheering.
The realization hit even harder when the Princess of the Night addressed me with a very severe tone.
“For the most heinous crimes ever perpetrated in Equestria, you, RipperJack, has been condemned to exile, TO THE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!”
Even over the sound of my ears ringing, I could hear Discord’s snickering in the background.
“OH HAHA! GET YOUR MEME RIGHT!” I shouted at him… and the rest of the world.
I’ll admit, my response must have been really out of place to anyone but me and that damn draconequus.
Still, the regal alicorn regained her composure very quickly and her coldness returned to give me shivers.
“Do you have any last words?”
That sneaky son of a…
“Yeah…” I grumbled. “Uncle!”
“GAH!” I screamed, jolting out of bed.
Two legs, two arms and opposable thumbs; I was human again. Good. Now, I could freak out.
I breathed heavily, feeling just like I had gone through a marathon with boulders chained to my legs. The world was spinning and gave no indication it would stop anytime soon. I felt a little ill actually.
Time passed and I slowly got better, but the lingering nausea remained a dangerous foe I could succumb to at any second. Finally able to think a bit more clearly, I sank down into a sitting position.
At the moment, I was focusing my frustration toward Discord.
“Well played, D. Well played.” I commented.
I had not even gotten the chance to use my new body. I had not even last a minute in this sick game… and he said he had gone easy on me.
I went back to bed soon after my episode. It was the middle of the night if my alarm clock was to be believed. Seeing as it had been a total bitch to me yesterday, there was a fine line of distrust in my assessment. Nonetheless, the sun itself did not seem to be lying by being on the other side of the Earth.
I lied wide awake under my sheets, looking at my ceiling, which was supposed to have collapsed a few hours ago (I think). The whole thing made so little sense that I was left wondering if this had not been a completely crazy dream.
It was not only the most probably explanation, but also the most reasonable. As if Discord would show up out of nowhere to play a game with me, how random is that?!
…Which admittedly fits his character to a “T”.
Oh boy, was it true? Did it actually happen?
Well, without anyone to talk to, I could not decide if I had had a hallucination or the single most life-changing event of my life yet. Technically, it was anyone but Giantonio, who had decided to laze around on my bed and had fallen asleep on my second pillow afterward. Eh, even when I had jumped up coming back from Equestria, that fat animal had not been woken up. Talk about heavy sleeper.
The most awesome thing about owning a cat is listening to it purrs. It is like the most soothing noise ever and it can let you imagine you have a chainsaw when it gets really loud.
With a fond smile, I reached for his fluffy body to give him a soft stroke, but, when my hand got within a few centimeters of his fur, my cat suddenly ran away.
I stared incredulously at the aggressive hissing of my obese cat, which had not looked this way since I had threatened to give his food to charity.
“Huh…” I blinked, taken aback. “Maybe the whole game with Discord really did happen after all…”
For a moment, I could not tell what caused my heart to drop. Waves of coldness went against my insides, for reasons yet undetermined. Was it just my cat’s reaction to me? I couldn’t be that pussy whipped, could I? No, it was most likely something else.
Either it was the prospect of one chance to live in Equestria having been wasted or… simply knowing that falling asleep would send me back.
Funny thing is I did not have the chance to really delve on that. Without thinking, I rested my head against my pillow and sleep picked me up along the way.
You know what is weirder than the feeling of waking up in an uncomfortable position? Not waking up at all.
This time around, there was no transition, no slowly awakening into a new world. It was much more brutally being launched into a new place. I jolted upon my arrival, that much I knew, because I gathered the eyes of two ponies, huge ponies, one yellow mare and one green stallion.
Luckily, they were not looking at me with hostility like the last ponies I saw in person. In fact, it was much more the opposite. They seemed to look at me like I was the most precious thing in the world.
“What’s wrong?” The mare asked me, concern blatantly obvious in her voice. “Do you have a tummy aches?”
Okay… why was she talking to me like I was mental? I couldn’t look that stupid, right?
“N-nuu-uh.” I shook my head.
…What just happened? Why did my voice sound like that?
“Are you hungry then?” The stallion joined in on the slow talking. They were giving me the impression I was a little chi…
Oh Discord, you magnificent bastard…
‘You rang?’ His voice resonated in my head again.
‘No.’
I did not see this one coming either. I was a young child, very young by the looks of things (unless they were both of Big Mac’s stature, which I doubted).
“Nu-uh.” Argh, I could not stand the sound of my own voice. This was going to be a very long game if I had to keep this up.
Still, I would not give up just yet. I could at least experiment what it was like to walk or run in a pony’s body.
Speaking of which, what kind of pony was I this time around?
I looked around, trying to see my back, but I ended up spinning on myself once or twice, sending the two older ponies laughing. Who cared about that? Judging from the lack of pain from falling on my side, I’d guess I wasn’t a pegasus this time around. I was also fairly certain that I did not have a horn and that my coat was orange (do ponies see color differently? I never bothered asking that).
“Careful,” the mare chimed in. “You could get hurt.”
“And we wouldn’t want our precious little daughter to get hurt,” the stallion happily added.
So I was sorely tempted to end this round here and then, but I had promised myself not to give in to Discord’s traps so easily.
Walking, running, then OUT OF HERE ASAP!
And I was going to start immediately.
“Whoa, little orange, slow down.” My ‘father’ chuckled. “You’ll hurt yourself if you go too fast.”
Don’t care, ‘Daddy’!
Besides, I did not get hurt because I was going too fast, I got hurt because I ran headfirst into a wall when I realized turning around with four legs demanded quite a good deal of coordination.
“Told you so…” He muttered, getting a glare from his mate for his trouble.
Now, you have to understand that I’m not a weakling. Not that much, but this stupid body was overwhelming my rational and very calm mind.
‘Keep telling yourself that, boy.’ Discord rolled his eyes, or at least said it like he did.
Anyway, my wailing was completely unrelated to any weakness on my part. Just playing my role here, move along, nothing to see.
“Awww, did my cute little filly hurt her head?” ‘Mom’ cooed, scooping me closer.
My stupid little body responded in spade with sobs in her coat and mane, with me bawling my eyes out.
…
I swear I’m a twenty year old man! I SWEAR!
‘That’s a prime example of denial, boy.’ The draconequus quipped. ‘In fact, I really ought to stop calling you ‘boy’. It seems… unwarranted.’
‘And I believe you ought to SHUT UP!’
His snickering echoed in my adorable little head, but at least he stopped mocking my masculinity.
‘That’s because I couldn’t find it anymore.’
‘I hate you…’
“There, there,” the mare said, slowly stroking my back as my sobbing subdued. “Now, what did you learn?”
I had half a mind to start shouting about sex, drugs and rock an’ roll, just to see her face. The only thing that held me back was the mental approval nod I got from D.
“I lurn’ nawt to run into waaaall!” What was up with my elocution? I knew I wasn’t that bad as a kid…
As if on cue, I heard an annoying high pitched noise.
‘Discord… are you whistling?’ I thought incredulously.
‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’m just squeezing those birds.’
…Oh.
‘I was being sarcastic.’ Discord added.
…Oh.
Well, how did he expect me to know the difference with him?
“Now, will you listen to your daddy?” The stallion nuzzled me, which was, admittedly, very nice. The warmth of his skin and fur just got to my sore muscles.
I pretended to mull it over then…
“No!” I exclaimed cheerfully, giggling.
That sent them laughing, even if my ‘daddy’ was looking a little indignant.
‘Yeeeees, embrace your inner filly, my boy.’
‘I am going to kick your ass the second I get the chance…’
‘For now, keep enjoying being cuddled.’
…He had a point there. It was pretty nice to get hugged, especially after that one bad day and the previous round of the game. Well, better enjoy it while it lasts.
Because there was no way I wouldn’t be crying “Uncle!” at the end of the day.
As if to prove my point, there was a polite knock on the door, which prompted mommy dearest to let go and trot toward it. That’s not what proved my point though, it’s what happened next.
“Orange Zest?” Mommy called, “Bubble Cream is here for your afternoon tea party!”
Inwardly, I groaned. This had to be a bad joke.
Outwardly though, I affected the behavior of a little filly super excited about her good pal visiting for play and that kindergarten crap. Hey, there had been an unvoiced challenge from Discord there that I wasn’t man enough to go through this ordeal without breaking character.
…Or something…
“ZEST!” High pitch scream. And a tackle from a creamy filly that sent me rolling to the ground. Completely disorientated.
“Meehhhh…” I blinked rapidly, trying to chase the wooziness away. “Whut?”
“Come on! Mom said we have just two hours to play!” She jumped on her hooves like a spring, not stopping down for a second.
“Okay…” I agreed reluctantly.
“YAY!” ARGH, again with the high pitch screaming! Those horse ears are more sensitive than I thought they’d be!
Bubble Cream zipped away from the living room and into a room I assumed would be mine. Slowly, I made my way toward said room, having a bad feeling about all of this.
With good reasons it turned out.
As soon as my head had crossed the doorframe, my eyes were brutally assaulted by the flashiest assortment of various shades of candy pink and bright yellow. My liver went into overload just from the sight alone.
I dared not touch the plushy in the corner. It looked way too frou-frou-y, as Applejack once eloquently put. Luckily for me, Bubble Cream was obsessively focused on something else.
The tea set.
I sat down, awkwardly, without the slightest idea on how to do that. I had figured putting my butt on the ground was part of the equation, but how the hind legs folded was the part that eluded me…
Again, Bubble Cream completely ignored how blatantly un-pony like I acted in favor of putting imaginary friends in their seats, all the while talking how fun it was going to be.
I could not wait.
It was without a doubt the most awkward moment of my existence. In great parts due to the fact that Discord was sometimes laughing in the background.
‘You’re just trying to subtly bring light to the fact that I like a show aimed at little girls and their parents, aren’t you?’ I asked him acidly.
‘Take the ‘subtly’ out of that sentence and you’ll be spot on. I mean, did it really take you that long to figure it out? I go through those phases where I really like irony.’
‘Oh? Like getting turned to stone by the very artifacts you spent an episode trying to get rid of?’
A surge of pain struck me in the chest right as I finished my mental retort. It was as if my heart suddenly contracted painfully tight, almost as if an invisible hand was crushing it within its claws...
I could not speak. I could barely think.
As the pain worsened, my vision started to blur with tears. It was getting so bad my breathing was slowly turning shallow and rapid paced.
“Zest?!” Bubble Cream ran up to me. “Zest?! What’s wrong?!”
Honestly, I had no idea what was going on…
W-was I going to die? NO! H-he said he would not kill me! He swore he wouldn’t! That it’d be too boring!
Instantly, the pressure was gone.
“Huh…?” I looked around, trying to spot the draconequus in my line of sight, but, as always, he was nowhere to be seen.
Slowly, I worked on slowing my breathing to a normal pace, fighting the sobs that were escaping my mouth every so often.
I felt cold.
It was like I had just escaped death…
“Orange Zest!” Panic filled cries made me jump. My ‘parents’ were standing right next to me, with a crying Bubble Cream hiding behind mommy’s legs. “What happened? Are you alright?”
I could not do this anymore.
“Un… ” I sniffled. “Uncle!”
“GAH!” I jolted awake once more, this time sending Giantonio flying.
He meowed indignantly and even hissed again, but I was so not paying any mind to that fat cat.
“Seven AM…” I whispered, taking in the numbers on my defective alarm clock. With so many things going wrong in so many exciting ways, I truly expected my alarm clock to work perfectly, just because.
My derision felt like a broken barrier. It helped repel the few things it was designed to, except for everything that was passing through the massive gaping hole in it. My emotions were literally overflowing.
For some obscure reason, Giantonio approached me with curious beady eyes. That was the most interest he had shown in me, ever. So I rewarded him the only way I knew.
I hugged the living crap out of him.
Right then, I did not care about the scars I would undoubtedly get, courtesy of his claws. Those little flashes of pain in my brain were so insignificant compared to what I had just gone through…
Oh Celestia, I just started to cry into my cat’s fur…
My breath kept hitching every so often. There was no way for me to calm down.
A near-death experience. I had had a near-death experience at the hands of a cartoon villain.
I just wanted to curl up on myself and forget everything, past, present and future. I would have too, if I was not so scared of falling asleep doing so.
“Never mouthing off Discord ever again…” I muttered, shaking uncontrollably.
Never again.
Never.
Just the idea that he could reach inside my chest and squeeze my heart… it was making me physically ill. Steadily, the pressure grew inside my throat, even as I was taking deep breathes with the hopes of somewhat getting better. The images just kept coming back…
The cold claws… they squeezed!
I jumped out of bed and dove for my wastebasket, tripping on Giantonio in the process. Not a second too soon as my stomach rebelled.
‘There goes my appetite for the day…’ I thought between two bouts of sickness.
Time ticked by, but it was somewhat hard to keep track of time with your head in a trash can. I had the impression that hours had gone by by the time my nausea had subdued. It certainly was bright daytime outside, at the very least.
I did not stand up right away. I preferred to lay my back against the wall, my vision fuzzy with flashbacks to my previous experiences.
It was usually in time like these that my cat decided to use me as a giant warm pillow, but I probably scared Giantonio with all my retching, because he was nowhere to be seen now. Good thing too, I really did not want to serve as a napping place when there were still scratches on my arms and face.
Eventually, I got back to my morning routine, with the exception of preparing for class. It was Saturday after all… if Discord hadn’t messed up with my perception of time! However, when I looked it up on my laptop, it was indeed Saturday. The whole thing had gone by like a drea- nightmare! I purposely avoided my bedroom for the remainder of the morning.
During lunchtime however, I received a phone call that changed my mind a little.
“Hello?” I answered politely, actively chewing the last of my ham sandwich. “Who’s speaking?”
“Hi, my name is Jacynthe Dubois, secretary at University of Montreal,” a woman replied with formal seriousness.
Oh crap…
“Yes…?” I sat down on my couch, getting the distinctive feeling I was going to feel weak in the knees soon.
“First of all, I would like to confirm your identity and your status as a student of our faculty,” she went straight to business. I would have appreciated that under different circumstances.
Ignoring the growing coldness I was feeling, I honestly answered every one of her questions about myself and my studies.
“Very well,” Mrs. Dubois finally said. “Now, Mr. Tremblay, the dean of your program, would like to schedule a rendezvous with you to discuss behavioral issues that stem from yesterday’s events.”
“…Okay…” I nodded quickly, mentally steeling my resolve. I had to do this, I certainly deserved it. I blew up at one of my teachers…
“Would Monday, this week, at four o’clock, be acceptable to you? We have checked before and there are no scheduled exams or activities during that time frame.”
My response was like that of a robot: mechanical and stiff. “Yes, sure...”
“Then I will tell Mr. Tremblay to expect you. Have a nice day!”
“You too…” I replied, before closing my cellphone.
I stared right ahead of me, head empty.
I knew it was coming. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I had screamed at a teacher and said one or two mean things about his immediate family. Yeah, like I could have gotten away with it…
So, not only was I going to completely flunk one of my courses, I would have to face disciplinary measures if I wanted to stay a student there. Just fantastic. I dropped my head into my hands.
Urgh! I really needed a break from all this crap. Why did Discord have to be right? At the moment, my only desire was to jump into bed and hope for the best.
Unfortunately, I knew it was not going to happen, if only because I was not that narcoleptic. Sleep never came easily to me.
“…I probably should watch more episodes of ‘My little pony’ then, couldn’t hurt to get to know that world better.”
Amazing how one’s afternoon could fly by when one took the decision to go through a marathon of cutesy children’s show.
Evening was amazingly dull in comparison, what’s with me trying to memorize some of my school material for my last finals. There was just no end to it and my heart was just not in it anyway. Fortunately, it had the very opportune effect of boring me to death and thus making sleep that much faster to come.
I slipped into bed earlier than usual, torn between fear and excitement. I had no doubt that Discord would try to screw me over, but perhaps I could make the best out of it…
“I better be a stallion this time…”
I blinked.
The changed had been incredibly sudden, very unlike the first and second trips to Equestria. Was that a sign of the moment Discord’s influence was stronger or something?
I wouldn’t dismiss that possibility just yet, seeing as I appeared to have been transported into a fabulously luxurious suite, filled with exquisite pieces of arts and expensive looking furniture. I was no snob, but darn, this was on a whole new level.
I couldn’t help but grin smugly. Oh yeah, that was precisely what I needed at the moment: the life of a rich stallion.
Wait… I was a stallion, right?
…
Yes, I was.
Good.
Moving on.
‘Did you really think I would use the same trick twice in a row?’ My good old terrifying not-friend rolled his eyes.
‘Oh, hello Discord, I didn’t miss you. And yes, if you thought it was funny enough.’
‘Peh!’ The invisible spirit spat, superbly disdainful of my assessment. ‘You’ll learn very soon that I can be quite creative, but I’m really not a monster. You’ll see.’
‘I can’t wait…’ I thought with as much sarcasm as I dared direct at him.
Going back to what I could only qualify as anticipative silence, the draconequus faded away from my mental imagery, replaced by the scenery that was offered to me.
Awkwardly, I made my way to a leather couch, juggling with four legged coordination. There was just something off about my sense of balance. Not surprising, but still a bad surprise. Common fanfic knowledge had me expecting to pick it up right away. Sure, it had come naturally when I was a filly, but now I was bigger, longer legs and all that…
…Or maybe I was trying too hard.
Sitting down was just as awkward, but at least it was comfortable. I allowed myself a few minutes of relaxation, just basking in the feeling of victory.
The atmosphere itself seemed tailor-made for relaxation. My eyes had trouble piercing the darkness completely, while some red candles were burning and projecting shadows and a general aura of peaceful night.
Maybe this was the one… the round I did not give up…
I snorted. Yeah, right, this was just a game for Discord and I to evacuate some steam, nothing more…
…
Being alone with my thoughts was somehow making me uncomfortable. No idea where that came from, but it was true.
The best thing to do was try to explore this place. Get to know more about my new life.
…
I did it again…
I shook my head. My priorities weren’t sorted at all.
First: exploration of the suite. It was fancy, but I may only have it for the night or something, so I should make better use of my time than to sit on my ponyfied butt. Even if that leather couch was rather awesome.
To my surprise, I managed to trot around the place without much trouble, when I wasn’t thinking about it that is. It was in front of the window that occupied the totality of the northern wall that I stopped to look outside.
It was the middle of the night, no doubt about it. Luna had done a great job in decorating the sky with all those constellations, but what caught my attention the most was the moon. Something about it was… different; it definitely wasn’t Earth’s moon. This one… no, I couldn’t define the feeling it gave me, except that I was convinced there was magic involved.
Uneasy, I looked down below, where the city’s streets were and it finally dawned on me where I was. Manehattan. It had to be. That trip with school two years ago had led us in Earth’s version of this place, without a doubt. Unless there was another city in Equestria that may hold skyscrapers…
“Eh, seems like some things don’t change regardless of worlds,” I chuckled, seeing a couple of drunk ponies stumbled around the street, most likely singing some lewd tales.
The familiar scene made my heart swell with warmth. I just needed a beacon to cling to. I was still wary of Discord’s tricks.
‘What will go wrong this time?’ I asked myself, staring at my pale reflection on the glass.
The dark grey stallion that stared back obviously had no answer either. At most, he smirked at his appearance.
‘Earth pony, this time…’
I looked rather good as far as pony go. Well, to my human aesthetic standards. Hopefully, the joke was not that all ponies thought I was hideous.
I stifled a yawn and had to blink a few times for my vision not to blur. I needed some sleep.
Now, where was the bedroom? I snuck glances around, trying to locate a bed somewhere. There very well couldn’t not be a bed in a hotel’s suite, right?
A faint noise in the background clued me in. It sounded like… water running. Someone else was here?
Curious, I followed what my ears told me, toward a more isolate part of the suite, where a black wooden door was waiting for me.
I pushed it slowly, making sure to be as quiet as possible. It opened on what had to be the masters’ bedroom.
Holy crap… That bed had to be four times as large as I was long!
The noise was definitely much stronger here. It had to be from around here.
Well, I did not need to look for long. On my left, there was a closed door letting light and steam leak from under it. Obviously, someone was taking a shower there.
…Wait…
I frowned, this setting getting familiar now. Where had I seen that before?
‘You would like to know, wouldn’t you?’ Discord said, creepily sounding like he was coming onto me.
That was all the confirmation I needed, but everything started to fit together when I ran into the bedside table.
“Ouch… what the… ?”
I blinked again.
I had apparently bumped (thanks, horse legs) into the placeholder for a bottle of… champagne? Alright, time to process some stuff here. I was in a suite in the middle of the night, where someone else was taking a shower, with some bottles of champagne cooling in a bucket of ice and… oh sweet Celestia, was that a wedding dress?!
No.
No, no, no!
Not happening!
“You have GOT to be kidding me, D.” I groaned, hitting my forehead with one hoof… and promptly falling face first against the floor.
Note to self, no facehoofing until I can do it right.
I had to fight the urge to cower when Discord materialized in front of me. The bastard was floating in midair, typing on an old writing machine. “Well, since you were so adamant in affirming your so-called masculinity, I thought I’d give you the occasion to prove it.”
“There is a fine line between being manly and…” I stopped when my eyes caught a very disturbing detail. “Why did you just write my name?!”
“Oh, don’t worry about that, boy. Just enjoy the night. Or don’t. I’m not picky.” He shrugged and a banana appeared out of thin air. “Hungry?” He extended his arms and one fruit in my direction.
“No thanks. I’m afraid it would turn out to be an aphrodisiac.” I grimaced.
That made him laugh. “Oh, you silly human, you really need to start thinking a bit more. What fun would there be in watching you squirm awkwardly while you try not to give in to the urges to take that stranger to your bed and make little foals because I slipped you some drugged bananas? Does that sound like the kind of things I would do?”
I gave him a flat look.
“Actually, that sounds exactly like what you would do.”
My blood turned to ice as Discord’s expression slowly turned into an evil mockery of Celestia’s usual one. Behind the apparent serenity, I could feel the hilarity he was ‘keeping in check’, figuratively speaking…
“True.” He finally admitted, grinning evilly.
‘Note to self: never accept anything from him. EVER!’
Discreetly, I tried to inch away from the draconequus, which I did with the grace of a fridge in a flight of stairs. I had to work on my limbs coordination, seriously.
“Honey?” A feminine voice suddenly called, followed by some hoovesteps.
Instantly, Discord disappeared in a flash of light and I was left alone in the bedroom. For about three seconds.
Then, a slender blue unicorn mare got out of the bathroom, her coat and mane glimmering in the relative darkness. “Is everything alright? I heard voices.”
“Oh, hum… it’s… huh… nothing, dear.” I gulped down nervously, willing Discord not to appear again. “I was talking to myself.”
She chuckled at that and it was a rather nice laugh. “And what were you talking about?” She asked mischievously.
“Things, you know, stuff…” Impressive how much I could sound so detached when my heart was still beating like crazy.
She raised an eyebrow at that.
“Well, it doesn’t really matter.” The mare flung her mane to the other side of her head, not unlike Rarity. With a small smile, she noticed my staring and, as I started blushing (ponies blush?), rolled her hips with every step she took toward me. “I did not have talking in mind for our first night together, honey.”
The irony was not lost on me when I started to back away, just like I had done in front of Discord.
Because she had said that so sensually, I would have to be a moron not to instantly know what exactly she had in mind for our first night together. It thus made sense that I began to panic a little.
Now, don’t get this wrong, but… HORSE! She was a freaking HORSE! So was I, at the moment, but really… HORSE! That was just plain wrong!
“Don’t be so nervous,” she breathed demandingly.
‘OH GREAT!’ I gritted my teeth together, struggling not to scream and run.
I did not want to have sex with a pony. No. Way.
She was cute and all that, but cute in a “oh look at that puppy” or in a “see the majestic flight of that eagle” way. To a normal stallion, she probably would have appeared sexy. To me? Not so much.
‘So much for the manliness…’ Discord sighed, disappointed, as if I had failed to meet up with one kind of twisted standard.
‘Shut up! This isn’t manliness, it’s bestiality!’ I replied drily.
‘It doesn’t count if you’re a beast yourself.’
Right, like I would suddenly lust after ponies the second I arrived in Equestria. If he wanted to see that (EW!), he would need to give me that freaking banana.
‘YES, IT DOES!’
‘Very well, prove how manly you are by refusing to sleep with your beautiful willing wife. I’m sure that’ll impress your buddies back at home.’
…Argh, no use talking to a crazed thing like Discord. I was just getting a headache and a lot more frustrated. Especially since he wasn't supposed to sound logical.
“Hum… dear?” How to gently let her down about this on our honeymoon? Headache? I had one, but that may not be good enough. ‘I’m tired’? She’d propose a naughty massage or something. ‘I’m gay’? That would not only be offensive in more ways than one, I doubted she would buy it. Plus there would be no telling what Discord would do with that.
“Hummmm?” She nudged my neck, sending a shiver down to my spine. Worse still, she seemed satisfied from my reaction. She probably would cry if I told her the real reason…
Alright, I had to say something, fast. She just stroked my flanks!
Just as I opened my mouth, I heard Discord clear his throat.
‘What?!’ I hissed mentally.
‘I’m sorry to interrupt you – not that there is anything to interrupt, it seems –, but there is something I would like to read to you.’ Discord then appeared silently, rendering me speechless, holding an open book and wearing reading glasses. ‘It’s my new best-sellers!’
I stared at his extravagant cheer, my emotions boiling.
‘Now’s not the time!’ Oh, I had to find a way to punch his teeth in. I had to.
‘I’m sure you’ll change your mind in a second. It’s my favorite passage.’ He cleared his throat again, taking a deeper, more suave voice. ‘The foolish human turned down his hot wife’s reasonable demands for some sexy action, breaking her heart and enraging her father, head of Manehattan Pony Mafia. Then, he was killed. The end.’
I froze. At that, my ‘wife’ looked up questioningly.
“Honey?” She asked, concerned.
‘There is no such thing as a pony mafia.’ I mouthed with complete disbelief.
‘Oh, there will be such a thing in a few seconds.’ He assured me, moving his claws in a position that implied snapping them together.
‘Y-you…’
‘Of course, that scene only tells of a possible ending.’
I turned my head slightly, locking eyes with the mare that was apparently my wife. Fittingly, she seemed confused and worried. Her eyes even widened a bit, giving her airs of a pretty doe.
Part of me felt bad for my aversion to her, a small part, because she did not deserve a husband that did not love her… I hoped.
Forcing back a grimace, I put on a – fake – smile.
“It’s… it’s nothing dear.” I nuzzled her neck for good measures, but while she seemed reassured by my gesture, I was starting to truly freak out.
“I love you…” she whispered.
I would never know how, but I managed not to wince at her loving words. I was starting to get sick again, from more than physical reticence.
This whole scenario screamed ‘WRONG’! Blackmailing a guy into sleeping with a girl he is not attracted to while she is oblivious to his distress?!
…Discord was such a bastard.
“I… I l-love you too.” God, I had to at least give her that…
Unfortunately, she was much less dense than I originally pegged her to be. She picked up my slip up with so much ease it was embarrassing. A blue aura of magic grabbed my chin and forced me to look her straight in her eyes.
“Tell me, what is wrong with you?”
I wanted nothing more than to scream at Discord that he was what was wrong with everything so far, but that would not fly, with either that mare or the draconequus himself.
Alas, I could not doze off so easily. Her hooves were quickly on each side of my face, gathering my attention again. “You know you can tell me, honey.”
Everything about her told me it was the pure, unaltered truth.
…I could not do that to her…
“It’s nothing.” I whispered and, before she could protest, added. “It’s not important. I swear.”
Of course, someone had to put his two cents in. ‘Beautiful. I would not have lied more convincingly than that.’
Not that it mattered, I completely ignored him. Instead, my eyes locked in hers, I leaned closer. “I love you.” And for the tiniest moment, it was entirely true.
Our lips met.
Nothing could have broken the magic faster than how weird it was to kiss a pony. My very human mind and past experiences put that straight into mind screw levels.
‘I-is that fur on her lips? Ew…’ She moved more forcefully, maybe a little too much. ‘Ugh, this does not feel right… How are our jaws working here? Wait, don’t tell me- oh God, she’s slipping her tongue in. That’s too long! Can’t do this! O-oh buck, where is she moving her hooves?! That’s my hind le- GAH!’
I broke it too quickly, but it was all I could take.
She looked up with wide eyes, confused and a little wounded, it seemed to me. Her breathing had accelerated slightly as well, making her seem all that more vulnerable.
“S-sorry…” I muttered.
Then…
“Uncle!”
“GAH!”
Was I ever going to wake up peacefully after a trip to Equestria?
Not that I deserved much sympathy here…
My heart was stuck in my throat. I had strung that poor mare along in Discord’s sick scheme. Then again, who knew how big of an influence he had had in creating that situation?
Soft purring filled my ears. Giantonio was contently using my second pillow as his bed. Not even my semi-serious death glare could make him stir.
“I bet my problems don’t make you lose much sleep, eh, you fat fluffball?” I stated, grateful to have at least an anchor in my reality.
I was starting to hate the idea of going to Equestria. With D pulling the strings, it was bound to end badly, but I had hoped I could get some enjoyment out of it. In lights of recent events, I doubted even that. Thinking back on what had happened just served to make me sick.
I hugged myself. “This was just wrong…”
I felt almost dirty. It was twisted, so very twisted.
Giantonio rolled around in his sleep, letting out a content ‘meoooow’.
“You’re not going to let me hug you again, right?” I did my best to smile, but it fell short. “Yeah… didn’t think so…”
I dared not go back to sleep. It was very early in the morning and my bed was still warm, but I simply was too afraid to linger under the sheets. It had happened to me before and I missed a few classes this way.
Studying, that’s all I had to do. Just study.
I could not do it. My mind kept going back to the last round and every time, I had to pause and calm down. The extent at which Discord had manipulated me was scary. If she had not told me she loved me, I… I might have actually gone through with it.
This was so wrong.
Urgh, now I felt like a broken record.
‘Get over it,’ I told myself. ‘It’s all over now. Treat it like a bad dream.’
It certainly would not help to delve on it, lest I start acting like a guilt-ridden idiot.
“Breakfast! I need a good hearty breakfast to feel better,” I declared.
I put on a fake smile and grabbed some cereals. Nothing like cereals in the morning!
After a little tuning, the radio started playing up one of my favorite songs and I could drown my worries in good music and slightly outdated milk. Feeling my spirit lifting (as did my stomach), I allowed myself to smile.
There, a positive attitude makes good days.
I froze just as I was standing up. After a few seconds, I snorted. “Hey, I’m channeling Pinkie Pie today. Guess I don’t need to go to Equestria to play pony.”
At that, Giantonio entered the small dining room, moody.
“And I even got my own Opalescence.” I laughed and kneeled to his level. “Starting from today, you’re cranky toward anyone but Fluttershy, okay?”
Said cat proceeded to snob my attempt at petting him and walked, as graciously as an obese cat could, to his food bowl with a demanding mew.
“Perfect.”
For my mockery, Giantonio was an absolute pest for the rest of the day, constantly nagging me when I was starting to understand the concepts I was studying, sometimes plainly dropping down on my textbooks.
Predictably, that useless fluff ball learned all about physics today, more specifically: projectiles. Face first onto my bed, because even then I could not harm Giantonio. He was too precious, in an utterly annoying way.
Aside from those small incidents though, my day was utterly dull. My brain fought at every step not to have to focus on my lessons and instead wondered at other topics, my possible expulsion being a big one. What would be the use of studying then?
That really hadn’t helped me find the courage to concentrate.
By the end of the day, I was a tired, bored mess. Normally, that was when I would try to get some energy back by watching some My Little Pony, but I was still disturbed by last night. The fanfics were even more out of question. I did not want the reminder.
In the end, I went to bed with a heavy heart and wished Discord would give a night of peace and quiet.
I did not place much hope on that though. Not when I could faintly make out the noise of his creepy first on-screen laugh in the back of my mind.
I felt tired when I blinked out of the momentarily confusion I was starting to expect every time.
It was obviously the middle of the day, my surroundings were booming with activity, some of it mechanical, some more… equestrian in nature. Point being, I was not getting any rest anytime soon.
Oh no, from the looks of thing, I was working in a restaurant as a dish washer.
Great.
“Low Efficiency, get going! We’re almost out of glasses and there’s a load of client waiting in the dining room!”
Oh wow, goodie me. I was apparently called ‘Low Efficiency’. Guess my parents in this world and I are not on speaking terms then.
Better yet, I just knew I’d live up to the name.
You ever tried working quickly when you just lost your hands and got them replaced by hooves? Yeah, me neither.
I was not going to have a paycheck at the end of the day… not with the number of times my hooves slipped and the plates crashed onto the ground. My new boss was less than pleased.
“Low, what’s wrong with you today?! That’s the twelfth you’ve broken in two hours now. Not to mention you’re working much slower than you used to. I did not hire you for this. You promised you were hard-working when I gave you the job.”
I looked down, definitely in a bad mood now.
‘Decided I need to get a load of crap dumped on me today, didn’t you?’ I growled at the mad spirit.
‘Well, obviously someone cannot be grateful.’ He mock pouted, invisibly sipping some juice from an unaware waiter. ‘I gave you a stable job and that’s how you thank me?’
‘Yeah, a job I can’t keep up due to being a total newbie.’
‘Give me something to work with here!’ Discord angrily threw his arms in the air, being decidedly unimpressed. ‘Not a famous criminal, not a cute child with adoring parent, not a stallion marrying into the pony mafia, not an awkward teenager working part-time in a restaurant and part-time in a grocery store tirelessly days and night to make ends meet? Do I need to make you Celestia’s consort for you to be happy?! Oh, wait, TRIXIE’s perhaps? That one is always a winner with you humans!’
…Buck…. Buck, buck, buck! I hated him when he had a point! Or seemed to.
I was being a bit picky, but damn it! This was supposed to make me feel better about my crappy situation back in the real world. Escapist fantasy, anyone?! And since I could not back down from the deal (like HELL I’d talk to Discord about that), I wanted a little fun out of it! Not being talked down for a job I had not even applied for!
“Are you listening to me, colt?” Oh buck off, you old gelding. “You are threading on thin ice…” He had the guts to lower his voice at me.
Granted, I was being a rude little smartass, but still. I was not in the mood, especially after playing the role of his obedient washing machine for two hours without my thumbs.
“Spare me the big speech on being generous and me needing to be grateful for that, old man.” I growled, eyes narrowed.
My ‘boss’ stared, jaw falling off, just like those of a few of my coworkers’. One of them, a green stallion my age, even trotted up to me.
“Hey, hey, hey,” he started at high speed. “Lowey, you can’t just say that to the boss! Come on, think of your pet canary!”
Oh, I wasn’t expecting that, I’ll admit. So this one was apparently my friend and I had a pet bird. Bah, Giantonio would just eat it. Shame he was not here.
“My pet canary can just starve for all I care,” I sneered, brushing off the hoof the green pony had put on my shoulder. “There is no way I’m staying here any longer. I quit.”
I heard loud gasps from my former co-workers, and strangely from Discord too, who was pretending to be a waitress with a blond wig (God, that was a disturbing image). The loudest however came from the stallion closest to me and his expression was that of horror. My former boss seemed to be fuming on the other hand.
“Well, get your stuff out of my locker and leave, NOW!” The old stallion screamed.
I brushed past him angrily, deliberately shoving him out of my way, muttering curses under my breath.
‘Shocking, and here I thought I could have lunch.’ The biggest jerk in my life lamented his terrible fate. Yeah, real terrible.
‘How are you even here anyway?’ I looked up to him, before pushing open what I assumed was the lockers’ room. Luckily for me, it was, not even the mares’ at that. Huh, Discord had to be distracted or something.
‘It gets really boring in that statue. I told you that already.’ He huffed, as if that explained everything.
‘I asked HOW, no- Ouch…’ I head-butted the wall after tripping on my own legs. Definitely felt like I sprang some stuff in my left hind leg though. Super. “For the love of crap…”
Of course, Discord had to laugh at my clumsiness. ‘It’s amazing how little I have to do sometimes. It’s like the jokes write themselves, again and again.’
‘…They weren’t funny the first time.’
I wanted to keep being pissed at the draconequus. However, I had a much more annoying problem at the moment. The locker labeled ‘Low Efficiency’ was locked by a padlock, one with a numeral code.
As much as I racked my brain to magically find the solution, I could not remember anything resembling that.
“Hey, D,” I called out loud, not caring if any pony heard me by now. “Can you zap this thing open for me?”
‘No.’ I could not tell if it was a lack of good will or a lack of power. I’d bet on the former.
Figures…
With my anger backing me up, I stormed out of the restaurant, only to realize I had no idea where my apartment was supposed to be. It was my first time in this place, after all.
…
I took a look around. It seemed to be a small city, more urban than Ponyville, that was for sure, which was great trivia, but still absolutely useless to me.
Behind me, the restaurant was buzzing with activity, which couldn’t have been fun for the ponies working there, with one less colleague to work with. However, that was probably explained by the fact that it was the single most glamorous building on this street.
Don’t get me wrong though, that restaurant was very average by every standard.
…Yeah.
I grimaced, not pleased by any of my continuous revelations.
‘So, two part-time jobs and one small apartment, correct?’ I asked Discord with a scowl.
‘No. One part-time job and one small apartment you will soon lose if you don’t pay for this month’s rent.’ Must he piss me off in every possible way? He had to be doing it on purpose, the mismatched bastard… ‘Good luck.’
“No.” I put my hoof down.
‘Hummmmm?’ He leaned closer, seemingly interested.
“I’m not going to go from one crappy place to another one, but in a foreign world with a different body where I can’t even enjoy a hamburger.” Working in restaurants always did sharpen my appetite and I did not want to settle for a salad or the grass on my front yard, if I even had one. “Better the devil you know.”
‘You’re really giving up easily, you know?’
At that, I laughed, earning a strange look from some ponies, but whatever, I was going to leave this place in a few seconds anyway.
“It’s been two hours and five, maybe six minutes since you sent me here. That’s the longest I’ve lasted so far.”
‘Touché.’ He pretended to be hit in the heart with an arrow and went rigid. If only…
“At least I got a little better at using hooves and walking, albeit slowly. That’s something, I guess.” I shrugged. My expectations had been low to begin with. This whole thing had been a waste of time. “Uncle.”
“GAH!”
Whoa, déjà vu.
Aaaaand I was back in my bed, feeling about as rested as a cat that had been chased by a dog all night long.
I had no doubt my hair was a mess now. No doubt. Seriously, when I was tired, I woke up with messy hair, it was a rule of the Universe. Well, this one at least. I couldn’t be sure about Equestria yet.
For once, I wanted to sleep in. This whole game was starting to exhaust me. I did not feel like I was getting any rest. Not to mention that my head was in the clouds so much more often now.
Apparently, it was truer than ever, because I would have missed my alarm entirely if not for Giantonio suddenly jumping in my face while hissing.
I let out a genuine scream of surprise and bolted out of bed. It was a good thing he was so heavy; gravity took care of him for me.
It had a good side effect though. My sleepiness was one hundred percent gone. Thank you, you fat psychotic fur ball.
Annoyed, I shut down my clock, with the sudden realization that I had a final today. Then it was my rendezvous with the dean of my faculty.
Oh boy…
I lost no time getting into my rustic car, who decided to be less of a bitch and work this time around. Oh, I could always trust her when the weather was mild.
“Show me you’re not just a useless piece of scrap, babe…” I turned the wheels around and got out of the driveway, without any trouble.
Surprisingly, I got to the campus on time, with just the amount of traffic I had expected on a Monday morning. Truthfully, it felt weird not to have that backfire on me horribly.
Weirder still, I managed to present myself with the rest of the students on time for my finals, the teacher letting me enter without any fuss.
I decided to stop questioning my luck then. For once, I’d just do the darn exam and be on my merry way to see the dean.
…
Luck, don’t abandon me now, please!
Letting the normal stress of my exam slowly take over, I sat down mechanically at my assigned seat, waiting for my answer sheet. I really hoped I had studied enough. My whole week-end had gone into that… and Equestria, but I was asleep at the time so it didn’t count.
“The exam will last three hours, with the possibility of leaving the class from halfway through and on. Remember to fill in your name and identification number correctly. Good luck.” With that, the examiner turned back and sat at the front of the class.
Alright, focus. I had to focus on this. I knew my stuff, I had studied. It was going to be fine.
First question…
I grinned. I knew the answer to this.
Confidence swelling my chest, I started scribbling down on my answer sheet.
“…W-what’s going on?” I said, my speech slurring like I did when I was drunk sometimes.
Whoa, wh-what… was I… err?
Thoroughly confused, I tried to close my hands into fists. It did not work; I had no fingers to begin with.
Yep, hooves.
Good, now what the hell was I doing in Equestria?!
“Feather Steel! What are you doing?” Someone shouted.
I had no idea…
I could not even see very well, this place, wherever it was, was so windy... In fact, it was too windy. I felt as if I was going to be blown away.
…Wait.
This was Equestria, so Discord had to have made this the worst possible scenario. Since I had also mentioned being excited at the prospect of having wings the first time around…
I fought the blur that was obscuring my vision, trying to blink away the fatigue and the urge to let my consciousness fade. It worked, partially. I could see some vaguely pegasus-like figure waving a hoof in front of my eyes.
“Don’t break formation like that! We’re on the verge of engaging the enemy! Keep flapping.”
Yep, called it.
I had arrived to Equestria in bucking midflight! And not just a few meters above grounds either, we were way over the average clouds! Discord sent me to fly at the level of the Wonderbolts!
And what was that about enemies?
Thing was, being conscious of my pants-wetting scary predicament also made me conscious of my body, specifically, my wings.
It was the limbs coordination all over again. I lost complete semblances of grace and the illusion I knew how to fly. If only it had been me pathetically gliding away…
My heart dropped at the exact moment I managed to close my wings accidentally, instantly starting to lose height.
“Did you hear me, Feather Steel?!” The pegasus from before, a dark purple mare, got closer to me, starting to look either very pissed or very worried. Maybe both.
She even kicked my wings, that vindictive horse! Sure, they were straight as arrows again now, but darn, that hurt.
“Griffons in sight, Commander Loop!”
I died a little on the inside.
“Everyone, get into formation! ESPECIALLY YOU!” Frankly, could I just ask one of you to drop me home, pleaaaaaase? I was going to barf all over the clouds from the sheer terror now. “NOW!”
‘Haha, good one, now seriously, someone, point me home. I’m not a soldier; I’m not even a pegasus. Just a puny human that really wished he hadn’t fallen asleep.’
But try to argue that when you’re flying.
That’s why I didn’t bother. I just stared dumbly at the growing dot of brown in the distance. Quickly enough, it appeared to me that we were grossly outnumbered.
Celestia’s sweet rainbow mane! Why were we five against… twenty-five… twenty-six… twenty-seven…? That was just screaming for us to be slaughtered.
…We were going to be slaughtered. I bet that even if we all turned around and flew full-speed ahead, we’d still be dead, me especially, seeing as it took everything I had just to glide…
They say that once you accept your death, you’re washed away by serenity and peace. I was washed away by water when I flew straight into a raincloud I could not manoeuver around and screamed like an undignified little female dog. Panic completely took over and I started to fall.
“FEATHER STEEL!” One of my fellow ponies screamed.
Things were going too fast, way too fast. My body started to spiral, the wind so powerful it tossed me around in circles as I fell faster and faster.
In my mind-numbing state, I tried – I swear on every star in the sky –, I tried to open my wings, but the shock and the pain it sent me in had me fearing they were going to be torn off.
“I’m coming, bro!” I heard over the roar of the wind.
I spotted him, in the midst of that chaos, diving toward me. A mad hope gripped at my heart and I screamed.
“HELP!”
He was getting closer. I could see it.
How long until I hit the ground? How long?! The others were already so small above us.
A surging pain erupted in my side and I felt my body whip with the impact. I completely lost sight of my fellow pony, now looking at the horizon and the ironically splendid sight of the mountains griffons were speculated to live in.
I let out a scream, but of agony this time. My ribs had been broken by a griffon’s tackle.
“I’m going to enjoy this,” it said with a deep voice. “You ponies are so predictable, so stupid. Thought you could stop us with just five pegasi?”
I struggled with all my might, fighting through the burning signal my nerves sent to my brain, overwhelmed by a primal fear utterly alien. ‘Prey’, it screamed to me. ‘You’re just a little prey about to be eaten…’
There was no rational thought in my mind, not a single one. My breath was labored and wheezed out in pitifully small amount, my eyes were wide open, as I stared at the brown beast, my wings were held firmly in place by its claws and that multiplied my feeling of vulnerability. I could not help the whimpers of abject terror that I kept letting out, in spite of the pain it cause me every time.
“I wonder if you taste like an orange, seeing as, you know…” FUCK MY LIFE! Was it really making small talk with me about how I taste?!
It licked its beak hungrily, a promise of painful death in its eyes.
“…” I opened my mouth but not a sound escaped it!
My throat was tied up in a knot, I could not speak. The words refused to come out, as I started to choke on my own fear.
“Yes, I love it when you realize your place in this world.” The griffon chuckled.
‘No, no, no, no, no. Speak, god forsaken speak, buck-freaking speak, you utter moron! Come on, say it. Just one word. It can’t end like this, there’s too many things I’ve got to do! Push it out, push it out!’
Nothing.
“I think I’ll start with your guts... It lasts longer.”
‘FUCK FUCK FUCK! SAY IT, COME ON OUT, DAMN WORDS! You’ve got to. Ignore the pain, the crap-inducing monster, the smell of his breath, take a deep breath, say it, say it. SAY IT!’
Silence between the wind and the predator.
The griffon plunged its claw into my abdomen.
I screamed.
The griffon laughed.
“Thank you for the mea-”
“UNCLE!”
I did not wake up with a gasp. I woke up, falling out of my chair, with the single most bloodcurdling scream of my life.
The whole class let out small cries of surprise, more than one swearing their heart had almost exploded.
“S-sir?!” The teacher started to run toward my seat.
I did not listen. I was holding my head between my hands, tears already rolling on my cheeks. I curled up on myself, sobbing without restraint.
The fear had not left. I could still feel the claws ripping me apart.
“Sir! Sir! Are you alright?!”
No…
I was not feeling good. It had been hours since I woke up and subsequently freaked out, but my nausea had barely subdued. My heart was still going crazy in my chest the moment I remembered about this one trip to Equestria.
As soon as I had calmed down enough to be talked to, the teacher had insisted I went to the nursery, which, frankly, sounded like something I really needed. It was met with nothing but a silent nod.
The nurse herself had been very kind, careful not to say the wrong things. She did not question me, simply offered me “a little something to feel better”. No idea what that was, but it helped, really. I could stay alone for a few minutes after taking it.
“Just… treat it like a bad dream…” I whispered to myself. “That’s what everyone else will think. Just play along.”
I couldn’t do anything else. I was trapped.
Was this the part Discord enjoyed? Not the trips to Equestria, but the in-betweens, where it ate away at me, where I was shaking in fear at the idea of falling asleep again and have things go from bad to worse?
“You sick bastard…” I muttered, burning with hatred.
It was bad, but it kept me going. Even raging against the heavens was better than just waiting for the next shoe to drop. To turn my hatred against something I could never actually hit kept it burning, a precious fire in the middle of the cold terror.
“Dream… Just say it was a bad dream…” I repeated. I had to convince myself before I could convince others.
“Sir?”
I blinked, shaken.
Slowly, I looked up from the tiled floor up to a middle-aged woman. She appeared mildly concerned beneath her thin layer of make-up and her square glasses, most likely toward my appointment than me in particular.
“It’s… four o’clock, isn’t it?” I asked sheepishly, glancing at my watch.
How long had I waited in that secretary’s office for Mr. Tremblay to welcome me?
“Yes, he is ready for your rendezvous.” She nodded and smiled thinly.
“…Thanks.” I muttered, standing up, doing my best not to suffer too much from vertigo. That medication had the side-effect of making me feel dizzy.
“Are you certain you can see him?” She inquired, this time with real worry toward my person.
“Yes…” I gave her a pointed look, trying to seem healthy and determined. I could not tell if it worked, because she let me go anyway.
“The door on your left,” she said, and then went back to her files and her keyboard.
Muttering an absentminded ‘Thank you’, I knocked at the wooden door and entered the office as soon as I received an invitation to do so.
The office in itself was very simple, almost disappointingly so. There were some University records on the walls, as well as Mr. Tremblay’s qualifications and news reports about him, but all in all, it did not feel like the office of a man that held that much power over my future…
Mr. Tremblay sighed as soon as I sat down in a seat.
Well, that was an encouraging start…
“I take it you know exactly why you are here?” He said sternly, looking over his glass with a quiet air of authority.
“Yes, sir…” I gulped down.
I was starting to sweat again. Dear Princess Celestia, I had to go check my blood pressure after all this. It couldn’t be healthy.
“Let me be perfectly honest with you, young man.” He leaned closer, growing more intimidating with each inches of distance he ate away. “We do not tolerate your behavior, here in my faculty.”
“Sir, I know that what I’ve said i-”
“Do not interrupt me.” He raised a hand and that was enough to silence me completely. “You have insulted a member of our staff, not only in a very disrespectful manner – I trust I do not need to repeat the things you have said –, but also in a threatening manner, moving into your teacher’s personal space.”
I shrank down in my seat, cheeks red with a furious blush. Blame the stress, blame the lack of sleep, blame the bad day, I still had done exactly that. No excuse.
I had screwed up big time, hadn’t I?
“That alone would be motif for considering your expulsion, but I have received yet another report on troubling behavior from your part.” The dean lightly tapped a document on his desk, where I could read my name in the corner in reverse. The way his eyes narrowed though was a perfect sign that this was not a light matter at all. “You have fallen asleep during a test, woke up screaming and reacted abnormally violently when people tried to offer you help. Not only as that little stunt disturbed your comrades’ evaluations, we may have to consider creating another as more than forty minutes were lost on you.”
“I… I’m sorry.” I looked away, gritting my teeth in shame, just wishing I hadn’t suddenly and inexplicably fallen asleep. I knew I was in the middle of answering a question and I was so focus I couldn-
My eyes widened. No. No way. That could not have been real. I was just getting paranoid.
“I must ask you not to present yourself to the rest of your tests this week. You will not be allowed in.”
Chlink. Off with my head. The death sentence had befallen me.
I felt strangely empty.
“If you wish to come back for another semester, I must tell you that the procedures will be more tedious than they normally would be.” The words entered one ear and flew right out of the other.
I was stuck in an absurd daze, where nothing made sense.
I had been expelled.
I was going to start crying again. To hell with manliness, this was weighting way too much for me to bear.
“This will be all.” Mr. Tremblay declared and I did not argue.
Mechanically, like a robot, I stood up stiffly and turned to leave without exchanging another word with him.
However, he was not done with me, apparently. No, he had to rub it in one last time.
“And, honestly, sonny, you look much too tired. Get some rest.”
I left the office in the second, because one more in his presence and I would have been charged with assault.
‘GIVE ME A BREAK!’
So, here I was, back at my apartment, with nothing but my pity, that hole in my chest, some old dried up leaves I had stashed away a long time ago and a fat cat that liked to eat the spiders he caught. My eyes were locked on the most important of these: Giantonio.
It was fascinating. In a morbid way.
I also made a discovery (oh, who am I kidding? I knew from the start): my cat was a sadistic not-so-little bastard. He did not only trap the arachnids between his paws. Oh no, that was too quick. No, Giantonio loved to play with his prey before eating them. I always let him do so, if only because that was one less spider I was likely to eat in my sleep or meet in the shower. Plus, it was nutritious.
Except, for once, I felt a kinship with that little thing. Life was fucking with it big time, just like me. There was an all-powerful bystander just observing all its troubles without doing anything except provoke more torment (movement while he played caused Giantonio to go absolutely insane), just like me.
Giantonio finally had enough of playing torture 101 and ate the thing. I watched with a bile fascination and the impression Life was soon going to do the same with me.
Maybe sooner than later, seeing as that little fluff ball of evil had decided to climb up my couch and rest on my lap. Like always, he cared not that it was inconvenient to me, nor that I was having an existential crisis.
‘Eh, love you too, fatty.’ I sighed, stroking his fur and eliciting a soft, content, purr.
The noise alone was soothing enough to get me to ignore my problems. If I was not going to get the crappy lemons Life had in store for me, then she could kiss my butt and drink a big fat load of nothing. I was done.
I wouldn’t be swayed by beautiful arguments about responsibilities and the happiness of my kin. Right now, I could not give a damn.
Eh, if the next trip to Equestria was not my life being in immediate danger, then I was going to stay there. If not, then it was this stupid world. Discord’s place or mine, who cared?
Giantonio hissed when I stopped stroking his fur, that demanding little piece of fluffy fur, so I just went on. At least one living being in here would get what he wanted. I probably should put something in my will about him; he’d defile my grave if I didn’t, I bet.
No longer satisfied, Giantonio spat on my hand before slowly lifting himself on his chubby legs and jumping down to the ground. No doubt he was going to grab a bite in his bowl, leaving me all alone on my couch.
“You’re the worst pet ever…” I groaned, without moving.
My body was heavy with fatigue. Truly, I had not felt this tired since… ever. This whole deal about falling asleep but not getting any rest was seriously wearing me down. I simply did not have the strength to move anymore.
This time, I awoke, truly awoke, to the feeling of disorientation. The world was literally spinning before my eyes and I could hardly stand on my hooves.
Eh, the funny thing was that I was starting to get used to the feeling of being a quadruped. It didn’t last all that long each time, but with every new experience, it was easier to slip into character. To fall back into this like it was an old habit.
“So… where am I?” I asked to no one in particular, as soon as my vision cleared.
It seemed to be a simple grassy field. As far as my eyes could see. I was all alone in the middle of a field, a windy one, with no civilization in sight. I would need to rely on my non-existent set of tracking and camping skills to thrive by.
At least it was a beautiful sunny day.
‘Ask and you shall receive!’
Guess who?
Instantly, my mood darkened, leaving me scowling at the incoming thunderstorm in the horizon.
“Of course…” I grunted.
I had run right into that one.
‘What?’ Discord asked innocently. ‘You’re never satisfied with what you do have, so I thought you wanted this to be different.’
“Likely story, D,” I sneered. “And if I do tell you that you misinterpreted me, will you bring the sunny weather back?”
‘Well, for that, I would have to be mistaken.’ He became visible again, this time taking a ghostly consistence.
…He had appeared more solid before. Why was he transparent now? Was he losing power or something?
Eh, like I’d ever get that kind of luck. He was most likely to screw with me again.
‘Besides, what fun would there be in leaving you stranded in the middle of nowhere under Celestia’s sun?’ See? Don’t you feel better just telling me the truth, D? ‘Oh shush, ye of little faith.’
Right, mind reader. I’ve got to remember that. This can bite me in the ass so hard if I keep forgetting.
I looked up, trying to estimate how long I had until the downpour. This time, however, I did not think of any number and give Discord ammunition. In fact, I decided that thinking was off limit as long as he was in the vicinity.
Scanning my surroundings told me virtually nothing about my location, nor did it give me a way to avoid being soaked to the bones as soon as it started to rain. So, with nothing else to try, I turned around to Discord.
“Where’s the nearest friendly pony, D?” I asked with a sigh.
The spirit of Chaos and Disharmony snapped his claws together, blinding me with a flash of light for a second. As soon as I had blinked away the spots of darkness, I was granted with the sight of a big neon flashing arrow pointing to my left. There was even a big ‘PONY’ written on it in bright yellow.
It distantly occurred to me that I was getting way too used to his way of shaping reality to his whim.
‘I can guarantee you that there are ponies this way.’
Without a word, I turned fifty degrees right of that and started walking.
That got Discord blinking. He even floated right up to my side, as I stubbornly refused to think of anything but the feeling of my hooves on the grass.
‘Hey!’ He protested. ‘What gives?! Giant sign post don’t just come out of nowhere, you know.’
…Normally.
Oh look, a cricket. Better be careful not to step on it, I didn’t have shoes after all.
A brief bout of hilarity visited me when Discord affected being dumbfounded, but I squashed it mercilessly. No getting distracted from being distracted!
‘Feel the grass under your hooves. Think about how it brushes off under them, how it tickles just a little.’ My face crunched up in concentration. It was probably funny looking to anypony that would have assisted to the scene. ‘Practice your other senses, you have barely done any of that before. Now’s the time to do it…’
…Well, this did not come to me easily. I got that my senses were different, but the “how” still eluded me. Some were overpowering while others… not so much.
I was so focused though, that I jumped and neighed in fright when the lightning first stroke.
Crouched abnormally low, I shot glances around instinctively, panting madly, before my brain caught up with me. Immediately, my eyes went down to my mouth, while I was left wondering where the heck that whinny had come from.
Of course, Discord was laughing his draconequus’ butt off at me in the meanwhile. ‘You should see the look on your face!’
Alright, lesson learned. Ignoring him for too long would mean bad surprises along the line. All a fine matter of balance.
“Haha.” I forced out a mostly sarcastic laugh. “Really funny.” I rolled my eyes and started going on my way again.
‘Why are you always so serious?’ Discord stared at me intensively, holding his chin in his paw, like he was… analyzing me.
That idea was disturbing.
“Because… if I’m never serious, I’ll never get anywhere in life?” It was embarrassing how hard it had been to answer him.
The fact that he grinned made me shiver.
‘Is that so?’ He asked, slowly closing in on me, his tail swirling around to cut off any way of retreat.
“Y-yes…” I replied quietly, gulping down and trying not to show too much fear.
I blinked.
Just like that, he was gone. Disappeared, in a cartoony puff of pink smoke.
My brain failed to catch up with my mouth. “W-whut?”
Confused, I looked around, but he was nowhere to be seen. How quite like the mad god to act this randomly.
Another shake of my head and my ideas were clearer.
“Alright…” I muttered. “First, getting to civilization as quickly as possible. Second… I’ll see when I get to that. Maybe Ponyville? It’d be a brony crime not to go there if I get the chance to.”
Nodding, I trotted away, unflinching, even when drops of rain started falling on my muzzle. In itself, the sensation was much more mindboggling than the weather. Equestria couldn’t be all sunshine and rainbows all the time, right?
However, after a few minutes of ever intensifying rain, I realized why most domestic animals hate being splashed by water.
Wet fur that clings to every inch of your body is uncomfortable as hell.
“Sorry, Giantonio,” I whispered, remembering that time I had thrown him in my bathtub following his preceding visit of a mud hole.
I still hadn’t forgiven him for the subsequent bites and infections. Stupid fatass.
Just like that, I made my way through the field, under a powerful rain and the occasional thunderbolt, grumbling about my pet cat. What better way to spend my first day in Equestria?
I did not get to see Discord at all for the remainder of the day, something I was thankful for. It was in fact, downright boring, how I had simply walked until it was too dark to see anything in front of me. The downpour had not stopped at all, which had gotten more and more aggravating with each hour of nothing but that.
I also got my first taste of a meal in Equestria: free washed-up grass. It wasn’t as bad as I had feared, just a little too many fibers. I could easily see why horses and ponies needed flat teeth, darn.
There was still no pony or anything in sight, no light or campfires whatsoever. I was still all alone in that grassy field. All alone…
I could still feel the grass on my coat and under my hooves. I could easily hear the sound of every droplets of water around me. I could not find a way to be comfortable with a wet coat.
There was not much else.
Slowly, the loneliness started to crawl in me, tugging at the wrong strings. The evening was getting colder.
With no other choice, I settled down, awkwardly trying to lie on the ground, avoiding landing in a puddle. It would not make a big difference, in the end.
I curled up, trying to get a bit of heat from my limbs. It did not work.
My eyes shut down on their own, as the fatigue started catching up with me. Sleep did not come easily however. The rain endlessly kept battering on me.
I dreamed of my parents, of Christmas, ten years ago. My aunt and my cousin Johny had managed to make it for the first time in four years, so, of course, I was ecstatic, especially since I was worshipping the ground he was walking on at the time.
The fact that my cousin was a huge jerk that stole my candies and ignored me joyfully went right over my head. Heck, even the time when he went into my room and hid his dirty magazines there, only for my mom to find them at a later day… even that little stunt had not dulled his magnificence in my mind.
“Move away, squirt!” Johny pushed me away as a way of greeting, followed by me trailing him like a lost puppy.
God, I was so dense back then.
…
I just heard snickering and facepalms. Who the hell just did that?
“And here is your present!” My mom declared, making me jump in excitement.
“Thanks! You’re the best mommy ever!” I hugged her as hard as I could.
She smiled back and laughed, small tears of happiness shining in the corners of her eyes.
Cliché diabetes-inducing sweetness aside, it was the last Christmas I actually enjoyed.
My body felt warm, too warm for a stallion that had slept alone under the rain. The fog of sleep had not yet dissipated in my mind, but I felt… sticky, with some points on my body receiving a precise pressure.
I stirred up awake, kicking one leg to stretch as my mind focused more and more on this uncomfortable feeling. It wasn’t like badly dried fur, more like…
My eyes shot open with disgust and instantly darted off to my side.
“SLUGS!” I yelped in disgust, jumping to my hooves. Fighting the urge to barf, I trashed around, shaking my body wildly. “SLUGS! SLUGS! SLUGS! SLUGS! SLUGS!”
I threw myself on the ground, rolling on my back as if I was on fire, but more intensively, because slugs!
The contact of many of these disgusting invertebrates with my coat had me shivering and shuddering like crazy. There were no words!
Then, as I rolled like a madpony, some of them were crushed, in the most sickening ‘squish’ since the beginning of time, my sense of touch being a complete traitor by allowing me to feel it against my back, and I snapped.
I take back my previous assessment. For this, there are no words!
The experience had at least one small positive side-effect: there was no civilization anywhere near my current location. It would have been impossible for anypony not to hear my screams.
When I finally crushed the last slug under my hoof, I was an out of breath, disheveled, sickly, traumatized stallion. In a fit of rage however, I turned my anger toward the only reasonable perpetrator of this new and exotic torment.
“DISCORD! I AM GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS!” I yelled at the empty air. “I AM GOING TO KICK THE EVERHATING CRAP OUT OF YOU!” His creepy laugher started to fill my ear. Oh heck no, he was not mocking me!
He was.
‘My goodness, boy, you make even the smallest things hilarious.’ The draconequus appeared, wiping a tear from his cheek, holding his sides.
My vision turned red. Blood thirst, rising!
“I’LL BUCK YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU WILL FEEL IT NEXT WEEK!” I ran toward him, passing right through his image and falling face first into the mud.
‘Tsk, tsk, tsk.’ He waved a claw at me. ‘I am not physically here, otherwise I wouldn’t both- no, wait, I would still bother with this.’ He snickered. ‘As for your anger, I don’t understand.’
“DON’T PLAY INNOCENT, DISCORD!”
‘The slugs?’ He asked, genuinely surprised, or being so good of a liar I couldn’t tell he was faking it. ‘You slept outside in an open field, in the rain. What did you expect?’
My left eye twitched. It was my only reaction.
‘As for that other statement of yours, I must refuse.’ He pouted. ‘Who says that without offering a drink first? Oh, the horrors!’ Discord then mock-fainted on a couch that materialized out of thin air.
As for me, I tried to process what he was saying and my brain only gave me this answer: SYSTEM ERROR. Rebooting did not work either.
“W-what?” I muttered dumbly.
‘You do remember what ‘buck’ is slang for in Equestrian, right?’ The draconequus hid his face behind a fuschia paper fan, wiggling his eyebrows and batting his eyelashes at me.
Ah, the connection was made and my brain was operational again.
…
I threw up.
All these attacks on my brain had multiplied my nausea by the critical factor, meaning I got to find out what color digested grass is.
It was green, for those that are curious.
Discord, meanwhile, looked taken aback.
‘My, that actually hurt.’ He flew a few meters in the sky, flexing his arms and rolling his muscles. ‘By all standards, I am plainly gorgeous. It’s a first, really. Not to mention the sheer strength of your reaction is just mean. Who does that?’
“Oh shut up…” I muttered miserably, taking deep breath to avoid being sick again.
There had to be something wrong with the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony rolling his eyes at me and doing so rightfully. There had to be.
Weakly, I started walking in the same direction as yesterday, trying to ignore the nausea settling as a familiar but hated sensation. This time, it was sunny and it stayed the same. For the first fifteen minutes, according to him.
Three days. Three bucking days! It took me three bucking days, alone with Discord and torrential rain, followed by paranoid rest and invertebrate in the morning, to finally see the first sign of civilization. For freak’s sake, if I was not an herbivore at the moment, I would have starved already.
Discord probably thought it would have been too lame to end the game like that.
I was grateful for that.
Still, to say that I was not in the best of mood after this would be an understatement. Putting it mildly, I would kill horribly for a decent bed and a roof over my head. The way I was thinking now, I’d try to make it a profession, but this being Equestria, the chances of it being a viable job were rather slim.
Not to mention what punishment would invariably await me.
‘TO THE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!’ I jumped and neighed in shock, blindsided by the draconequus’ sudden shout.
Luckily, the train station was still silent from the absence of a living soul. I was, perhaps literally, the only pony in the station.
“D!” I glared at the laughing spirit, gritting my teeth with frustration.
Darn, my heart was still beating madly from this stunt. Just when I was starting to get relaxed.
‘Precisely, my boy.’ He started folding what appeared suspiciously like dark brown paper, eyes narrowed behind a pair of glasses on his snout.
“You will never stop that, will you?” I sighed, glancing around to make sure I wouldn’t be mistaken for a madpony by a random stranger.
‘Reading your mind?’ Discord asked absentmindedly, sticking out his tongue from focusing so much. ‘No.’
No surprise here.
‘No, you see, humans are generally more chaotic than ponies, and that’s saying something. I could make a long explanation, but really, it’s just this.’ He opened his arms wide, showing me a brown earth pony piñata that was suspiciously similar to me.
The object floated in midair freely, without any interference from Discord. In fact, it started galloping, running in circles, in an image strongly reminiscent of a dog chasing its tail.
I had to admit that was insulting. To be fair, I was a little awed by the show too. The draconequus sure was an impressive god.
‘Yes, a little like that, but observe what happens when I do… this.’ My jaw dropped when he made a baseball bat out of thin air, but more in fear than anything else.
Slowly, Discord snuck up on the unsuspecting piñata. As he closed in enough for it to be within reach, the spirit raised the bat over his head.
I watched without a word, mouth dry and eyes wide, not daring to make a move and set him off.
I nearly died of a heart attack when his bat let out a bloodcurdling shriek, startling even Discord. Instantly, the figurine roared and jumped on the bat, causing a chase in the middle of the station.
Completely baffled, I could do nothing but observe as the piñata ran after the squealing bat while barking like a dog. At my side, the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony gently picked up his jaw and mine, putting them back in place.
‘Yeah…’ He said awkwardly.
“Huh...”
‘See what I meant?’
I shook my head, mouth twisted into a confused smile.
I was definitely starting to lose it.
‘Anyway, if you had plans – and you do –, then I suggest you start doing that while I go gather my toys.’ With that, Discord disappeared in a flash of light.
I blinked.
I was alone again, this time in a fancy train station with nothing but my own four-legged body to mess with. If I had had any bits, then they had been lost a long time ago. Maybe after the first slug incident, but frankly, I doubted that I had any money to begin with. It would be his style to make me penniless after making me a rich pony.
Alright, first thing’s first. I had to find out where I was. It was not Canterlot, that much I knew for sure, if only for the lack of anything resembling a medieval castle. Manehattan could be crossed off the check list as well, for similar reasons. Ponyville? Well, I would have known right away.
No, this place was just a train station attached a small city, which looked nothing like the Mane Six’s home.
My eyes darted off from the city back to the walls of the station, which were covered in publicities and various posters. I couldn’t care less about Doctor Mouth Wash’s secret formula for healthy teeth (though that might be useful in the future) or the Flim-Flam brothers’ secret to going from rags to riches (it sounded very tempting to tell the truth, but Flim-Flam brothers, enough said…). I was however happy to see the announcement about the fashion show being hosted in the town’s city hall, aka Fillydelphia’s town hall.
Alright, I now had a name to put on this place. That was step one.
Step two…
No idea what should be step two.
Urgh… I had to start planning ahead. This was not getting me anywhere.
To be fair, I had not expected to last this long. Discord’s continued presence meant my nerves were constantly tested, but not actually past my limits. Either I was getting more resilient to it or he knew my tolerance better.
“Where can this train take me?” I muttered, trying to find an outline of the rail’s trajectory through Equestria.
Ponyville?
Ah, destination: found. No way was I going to let a chance to go there slip by. It was probably part of a brony code that if a ‘human in Equestria’ situation ever happened to you, you had to go to Ponyville. Of course, I could instead troll some bronies saying it was nothing special and I didn’t bother going there, but really, who would I be fooling?
It seemed… fitting that I try to find the mares that made me like the show in the first place.
Now, as I previously assessed, I had no money, meaning I had to find a job or get some charity. Considering my usual level of luck, it would be a job.
Walking up to a counter, I shyly peeked through the window, trying to locate whoever was supposed to take care of that service.
“Hello?”
Nopony in sight…
“YES?!” A batty old mare suddenly jumped out of nowhere to answer my inquiry.
The shock sent me reeling, standing on my hind legs for a second, before dully falling back into a normal stance.
“Hum… I’m sorry, ma’am, but…”
“WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?!” She yelled.
Holy crap… was she competing with Luna for the loudest mare in Equestria or something? My ears were ringing painfully, even flattened against the sides of my head.
“P-Ponyville, but before that, I’ll ne-”
“FOURTEEN BITS FOR 9:00 THIS MORNING!” She cut me off.
Whoa, was there a prize for the most obnoxious employee in town? No need to search any longer, they had a winner right here.
“Look, I just want to know if any places here are hi-”
“THIS ISN’T A TOURIST OFFICE!” She shouted, almost spitting her denture into the glass isolating that harpy from the outside world, where the sane ponies were. “FOURTEEN BITS FOR YOUR TICKET!”
“That’s what I said, I don’t have those bits. I need to find a-”
“NEXT!” Oh buck it…
I’d ask somepony else, hopefully one that would not need an oxygen tank after talking to me. That old bat probably worked as an opera singer before, because, damn, that was loud.
I sighed, resolutely making my way into town, with a mental review of my possible skills and assets. A guy had to make himself look good in an interview, right?
However, all of that flew right out of the window, for the moment, when a green plastic bag collided with my face. The impact, although pitiful in terms of firepower, was nonetheless startling enough to make me trip on my own hooves and fall face first into the ground with a yelp.
Buried under a little mountain of shopping bags, I took a second to recover from the hit and the following dizziness before focusing my attention on the familiar voice talking through the silky mess I was in.
“Oh my, I sincerely apologize, sir. I was just so pleased with myself that I may have spaced out while moving my bags.” I knew that voice. I knew I knew that voice. “You see, there was this fashion show in town and my designs were presented today.” Was that a white coat…? Yes! “To my delight, they were approved by Mister Fancy Pants himself!” Yes, I knew that giggly squeal of pure happiness by heart!
“Rarity!” I exclaimed, unable to hold back.
The elegant mare blinked slowly at the disheveled mess of a stallion that had erupted from her shopping bags.
“I’m sorry… Have we met before?” She asked, frowning slightly, as if searching her memories.
Well, for once, I was not taken by surprise. That I had planned for.
“Oh, sorry, Miss Rarity,” I apologized meekly. “I just heard of your boutique and your dresses before…”
That did the trick. The beautiful unicorn raised her head with pride and adjusted her mane delicately, fixing the tiniest of imperfection. When she spoke again, there was this haughtiness piercing through her otherwise friendly tone.
“Oh, of course. I am glad to meet one of my admirers.” She batted her eyelashes at me, which actually got me tongue-tied (and a helluva bit disturbed by this heat spreading through my chest). “What is your name, Darling?”
DANG IT!
Hum… fake name… fake name…
“G-Groovy H-Hooves…” I replied lamely.
Oh Discord, shoot me in the ass for that one.
‘Give me a minute to fetch my bazooka and you’ve got yourself a deal, boy.’ The draconequus actually replied to me, having me almost frantically shake my head.
‘WAIT! NO! NOT WHAT I MEANT!’
‘Party pooper.’ He sulked.
“Well, my dear, I think it suits you,” Rarity commented, letting out a small feminine laugh.
‘That it does.’ Discord approved.
“However, I believe that this look doesn’t.” She lowered her head, pointing to my wildly tangled coat and mane. “My, it looks as if you haven’t seen a bath or a bathroom for a week!”
“Three days, actually.” I joked, because I couldn’t do anything else but that, not in the face of the fashion expert that she was.
“Oh dear!” She inched back with a hint of disgust going over her features.
Crap.
“I-I mean, I was mugged on the way here! I had to walk for three days straight to reach this place!”
She instantly calmed down.
“Oh,” she commented simply.
It was a bit freaky to be perfectly honest.
“I am sorry if I offended you,” she lowered her head in shame. “I should not have jumped to any conclusion before giving you a fair chance to explain yourself.”
It was my turn to blink.
“Hum… no worries?” I tilted my head to the side, trying to make sense of what was happening.
“So you say you have been mugged?” She asked, giving my coat and mane a closer look.
“Y-yeah, Diamond Dogs.” That should do it. If this was in the right timeline, she’d believe it.
Seeing as her face crunched up in anger, it probably was.
“Those brutes! Why, I remember the time they foalnapped me to dig up gems!” She growled, huffing in indignation.
I, for my part, affected a shocked expression. “No way! How dare they?!”
“I know!” She sobbed melodramatically. “But fortunately, my friends were there to help me!”
For some reasons, I could not prevent a smile from appearing on my face. Hearing her recall it as her friends saving her seemed rather sweet to me, especially considering she was mostly free when they had arrived.
“Which is why…” She turned to me, much more seriously than before. “I will help you now.”
My jaw drop.
Didn’t see that coming.
‘Should have seen that coming.’ Discord quipped. ‘Element of Generosity, hellooooooooooo!’
Too focused on being overly happy at being in a Mane Six presence. Bite me.
…No, don’t.
“That’s…” I said, unable to find the right words.
Was she really going to help a complete stranger like me just because I was broke?
“Tut, tut, tut,” she said, putting a hoof on my mouth. “It will be my pleasure to assist you. Now, tell me what you need. Were you traveling to Fillydelphia?”
“N-no…”
“Where then?” She insisted, leaning closer.
‘I am not self-conscious of the distance between us. I am NOT self-conscious of the distance between us,’ I repeated mentally.
“Hum… Ponyville?” I replied timidly, backing away just a little.
Predictably, she reacted strongly.
“Ponyville? Perfect! I was just about to go back there! We can ride the train together!” She declared, already moving toward the counter to pay.
Grimacing, I crouched down, hooves on my ears and preparing myself for the explosion.
“Hello, young lady, how may I help you?” A sweet honey-like voice greeted Rarity.
To my jaw-dropping shock, no, it was not a new employee. It was the same old hag, except that she was not yelling anyone’s head off. Why, she was downright angelic to Rarity, who seemed oblivious to my rising anger.
My nostrils then flared when she proceeded to sell her two tickets for seven bits each.
“Oh that bitchy man-hating witch… ” I swore under my breath.
I was still scowling when she returned with the tickets floating behind her.
“What a charming old lady, wouldn’t you agree?” The white mare trotted up to me, seemingly very pleased with this turn of event. “She even offered me a discount after seeing my show yesterday.”
“…Yeah…” I looked away.
“Is something wrong?” She immediately asked, easily detecting my lack of enthusiasm and joy.
“N-nothing.” I stood up, chasing away my resentment and bitterness. It was not that important, not with Rarity in front of me, after she had proven herself worthy of the element she represented once more.
For a moment, she stared intensively, obviously not convinced, but her expression quickly softened. “Right, in that case, I suggest you pac- you prepare for the train.” She hastily covered up her slip of the tongue. “It will be leaving in about ten minutes.”
With that, she placed the ticket in my hooves and I finally found my voice to say what I should have said in the first place.
“Thank you so much!” I blurted out.
“Think of nothing of it, Darling.” She smiled, beautifully might I add.
“Oh, it matters more than you can imagine.” I whispered gratefully, a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
“Probably,” she commented, startling me, “but I assure you that no ‘thank you’ is necessary.”
I found myself grinning sheepishly at the graceful unicorn.
“Well, would you like to board together then?”
I got off the train with a smile, parting ways with Rarity thanking her generosity three times over. Her response was to give a little laugh, saying it was worth it and that my mane was, apparently, divine once styled.
Yeah, halfway through the ride, she had decided that remedying to my sorry state could not wait any longer and had great fun doing my mane in a “brand new style”, if she were to be believed.
I certainly did.
I was in awe. Meeting just one of the Mane Six had been a real treat, enough to get me in a goofy lightheaded state. More impressive even, her sheer presence had limited Discord’s intervention to a manageable number. My guess was that he stayed wary of them.
“Alright, time to see more of Ponyville!” I declared cheerfully.
I was feeling great, for once.
The town itself was nothing special by pony standards, I had to admit, but just knowing that things were actually looking up had something exhilarating.
Looking everywhere like a tourist (which I am), I made up my way into the deeper part of Ponyville. This turned out to be an ill-suited strategy as I bumped into another pony because I was looking everywhere but in front of me.
Luckily for me, it was not a pony to hold a grudge (except about a certain promise…).
Pinkie Pie and I gasped in unison, for very different reasons, I imagine.
It was made evident when, right as she was about to run away – possibly to prepare a party for me! Oooooh, the thought made me giggly –, she froze completely, all four legs suspended over the ground.
It was rather cool to look at.
“Oooooooh! We gasped at the same time! Isn’t that totally fun?!” Pinkie suddenly spoke, bouncing up and down excitedly.
I blinked, a bit overwhelmed by the quick change of pace. Internally though, the fact that I would have to get use to this sent bubbles of happiness to my brain.
“It’s like we share a brain! Or ideas! Like they are interconnected and us meeting eyes had the thoughts fly from one head to the other! It’s like sprinkles on a cupcake! You spray them and they always decide to go from one cupcake to the other, but that’s okay because then it’s less orderly and that’s okay too. But it’s not chaos so it’s good, because chaos is like Discord and he was just a big meanie pants that laughed for all the wrong reasons!”
The mention of the spirit in my head had me blushing and feeling very uncomfortable, almost wishing I could back away. It was probably a random sentence of Pinkie being Pinkie and I had no reason to believe she knew anything at all.
Still, when she turned her big blue eyes to me again, I shifted on my hooves.
“It’s not important, however! What’s important is that you are finally here!”
My eyes widened.
“W-what?”
“Well, you came from a very faraway place, didn’t you?” She asked playfully, winking.
I all but blurted out everything. Fortunately, Discord chose that very moment to reappear and play the trumpet loudly, just next to my ear.
The following yelp had me fall face first, with me getting tangled, once again, into my own legs.
“Wow, that was some loud trumpet!” Pinkie commented absentmindedly, looking around. “I wonder who played it though.”
I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I really had no idea what to say to the pink mare. What could I say to that?
Again, her eyes were suddenly sparkling brightly with a new idea. “Oooooh, speaking of trumpets, do you know what we should do?”
I was kind of baffled here. “Hum… play the trumpet?”
“No, silly!” She laughed. “Well, yes, but no!”
Okay, that was simple.
“I mean, we should play the trumpet because it has a nice and crystalline sound and it reminds me of the flugelhorns, which was a really fun instrument too even if I played it too loud once and it cut off Twilight’s welcoming speech, but anyway, I’m saying we should sing a song!”
I gulped down nervously.
“Hum…”
I was so terrible at singing it was not even funny. Someone compared me to a cat being strangled, had me listening to both my singing and that cat, and I thought that person was being very charitable to me. It had scared Giantonio out of his skin and he had assaulted the recorder and me on the few occasions I had dared hum or sing.
“Come on, I greet every new pony in town with a party or a song!” She bounced up and down again, smiling wildly, hoping to wear down my reluctance.
It worked.
“…Okay.”
Before I had the time to blink, Pinkie had assembled an orchestra of musical instruments.
‘Wow… you’ve got nothing on her, D,’ I thought.
Discord grumbled something I did not understand.
What? It was actually true. Pulling stuff out of nowhere was very impressive in person.
‘I do that all the time,’ the draconequus protested, demonstrating that ability by making a cow, a crowbar, an elevator, three statues and a group of ballerina appear in the middle of the town’s square.
Nobody seemed to notice them though.
‘Yes, but you’re a god. That’s standard for you,’ I reasoned, glancing between Discord and Pinkie Pie, the latter of which was happily fiddling with the cords of a harp and humming.
For a second, Discord’s gaze intensified and I wondered if I had not crossed a line once more. As I braced myself for the pain however, he shrugged and disappeared.
Then a pink mane was all over my face, followed by Pinkie’s eyes.
“READY?” She asked enthusiastically.
Taking a step back, I could see a bunch of ponies now standing behind each instrument, looking at me eagerly.
Talk about peer pressure.
“Yeah…”
I totally saw her happy shout coming.
In an instant, she was on an improvised stage, holding a microphone in her hooves and wearing a very nice tuxedo.
The music then picked up, slow, but rather high-pitched. Pinkie’s singing reflected that.
"Will you be my friennnnnnnd?"
The song almost crashed when I realized, almost too late, that I was actually supposed to reply to her question.
This was not going to be a good song…
"S-sure thing!"
Predictably, she giggled, looking very excited about this new prospect. The melody accelerated to reflect her state of mind.
"Great, don't you just love it when you've got a friennnnnnnnd!" Ponies started to gather near us, some already bobbing their heads in synch with the song. "We'll be there for each other to the very ennnnnnnd!"
"That's... that's a little extreme, don't you think?" I interjected hesitantly, trying to follow her jumps on the stage.
I swear, she looked at me like I was a child after that comment. It even carried into her next lines.
"Oh, but that's what friends do! We play. We laugh. We cry. We smile. In the end, we do eve-ry-thing, to-ge-theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!"
By this point, most of the other ponies had joined her singing, adding their own voices to the melody.
How did they actually know the lyrics of the song? Did they rehearse that?
The music slowed down again and Pinkie used the opportunity to jump right next to me, bouncing on her hooves.
"Isn't it great that we're friennnnnnnnnnnd?" She sang, leaning against my side.
I eyed her carefully. "I-it is, Pinkie."
"We'll have so much fun together, we'll look out for each other. We'll be like familyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
Something in the air just started to resonate with me, much like it seemed to have happened with the other ponies. The urge to sing grew inside me.
“You'll be like a brother!”
Everypony around me chorused. “Brother!”
Something was connecting everypony to each other. I could feel it. It was trying to get to me.
“A father!” Pinkie giggled, just as the urge overwhelmed me.
I shouted with the others. “Father!”
“A sweet cousin!”
I grinned and stood on my hind legs as I joined the chorus again. “Cousin!”
This had not just happened! I had not given up, I was just singing along!
I pinched my arms (…hands, fingers) and the hint of pain felt very real. It wasn’t a weird dream within a dream. It was real.
I was really back on Earth.
“Just when it was looking up…” I muttered, miserable. “Three days of constant nagging by Discord under a torrential rain… blown out of the water… by Pinkie Pie’s song…”
Wow, that was just pathetic, even by my new lower standards… I had a shot at a great life, right where I wanted it to be, but trying to fit in had me back in this crappy apartment.
Snap.
I did not actually stand up, not right away. First, I stayed immobile for a moment. How long? An hour, two? I could not tell anymore. Why? Because I had crushed my alarm clock to pieces when it rang.
It had been very satisfying to destroy something, to be the one doing the destroying instead of being the destroyed thing. After that, my lips had twitched upward.
When I stood up though, I fell forward, my face colliding with the wall. When I got back on my feet, I fell backward, my balance being perfectly off.
It hit me quickly enough that I was not used to walking on two feet anymore. Hah, now it was being human that felt alien to me.
I giggled. Now that was a joke I could laugh at.
I doubled over, laughing uproariously, my hands on my sides and my breath cut short repeatedly. I did not stop, not even after tears had started falling off my cheeks. The sad part was that I couldn’t tell what kind of tears they were.
For some reason, I could feel a crack running along my face if I touched it with my hands. Discord even agreed that he could see it. When I looked into the mirror though, it wasn’t actually there. Weird.
I was losing it.
Maybe.
Giantonio replied to me when I asked if he knew the square root of five-hundred-seventy-three. He was wrong, sure, but that was not what tipped me off.
His voice was way too high. It should have been lower, loooooow!
Ah, and he thought he could get away with replacing his vocal cords behind my back. No way, I was taking him back to the vet so he would get his sexy smooth tenor voice back. I hadn’t gotten him neutered for a reason!
It did not happen. I may or may not have chased my cat around my apartment, but it ended when I cornered him in the shower and he scratched me. The burst of pain made me jump backward, right against the handles of the shower.
A cold rain washed down on us both, but only Giantonio ran out like Discord was after him. The familiar sensation had me frozen. Droplets of water simply ran down my head, my shoulders and my chest, sticking my clothes to my skin and sending a wave of human sensations to my brain.
It shocked the crazy out of me. Or at least the giddily happy new part of me.
Things were gray again.
It was a relief though; things were back to a semblance of normalcy. My fridge was even pitifully empty, just like a normal day.
I sighed sadly. How was I going to fix things here? I was already short on money, and if I had to borrow more money from the bank again…
“No way around it.” I grimaced, taking a look at my wallet. “A budget of twenty bucks. Better than last week…”
Giantionio mewled plaintively, demanding that I either give him attention or food. I had no illusion as to which option he would have preferred.
He would have to make do with neither, because I had to do some grocery.
“I think I saw a cricket in the broom closet,” I told him offhandedly. “Eat that as a snack while I go hunt for some bread and butter.”
With a disheartened scowl, I put on my coat and left the apartment.
To be perfectly honest, I was not expecting much, but for the store to be closed on short notice without any reason was still outside of my pessimistic predictions. Apparently, the kind old lady also staring at the sign on my right didn’t expect that either.
“They really do not have much consideration for their more regular customers, don’t you think?” She asked me with a revolted tone. “I took the bus to come here and it will not be back until eleven.”
Shivering despite my winter clothing, I offered her a sad compassionate smile. “Yeah, they really ought to announce these things in advance.”
“Yes!” She vehemently jumped on what I said. “People these days have no consideration for their fellow patriots. It’s all profit for them! It reminds me of that very rude young man I met the other day. Just as I was about to grab the last carton of milk at the convenience store, he snatched it away from me without even an apology!”
…Darn, I hope she wasn’t talking about last week… I could vaguely remember rushing in a convenience store to get a few essentials just before it closed down for the day, partially because my pantry had broken down and half of it had been destroyed.
“The nerves!” I looked away shamefully, hoping she would not connect the dots.
She angrily replaced her saddlebag on her shoulder before trotting off to the bus stop. She still took the time to shout back however. “Oh, there are no words for what those people deserve!”
Well, I could agree that there weren’t any word for what I was living. “Crazy” had been my default definition, but even that had lost its novelty quickly.
Still, I had no idea Karma had been on my back for rudeness toward the elderly. If it turned out that this was the reason Discord had chosen me for this game…
My vision blurred.
“W-what?” I said, the word coming out as a distorted noise to my own ears.
I staggered, my legs feeling heavier… so heavy…
It was impossible to move them anymore. My arms fell to the side of my body, growing too heavy as well. My whole body… felt heavy… so heavy…
What was going on? I… I was so tired… Powerless… Weak…
My eyelids started to lower, outside of my control. I couldn’t do anything. I could no longer see ahead of me, it was naught but darkness.
Discord’s laugh echoed in my mind.
I was a unicorn.
I could easily tell because my horn was apparently embedded in a wooden door. I was stuck up to the base of my horn, my forehead brushing uncomfortably against the… oak planks?
What a great way to arrive on Equestria!
“Twisty Steam…” A feminine voice called with exasperation.
With a glance in that direction, I saw a cream colored unicorn mare, wearing a lab smock. She did not seem particularly happy at me. Fortunately, she was not yet at the stage of equinicidal rage, just the “why me?” stage where everything seems against you.
“Hehe… ” I laughed lamely. “A little help?”
I prayed that she did not decide to ignore me and leave me to this stupid predicament.
“Have you even thought of using your magic?” She rolled her eyes, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
‘Well, no, sorry, Miss something-I-don’t-care-much-about. You see, I did not think about using magic in the five seconds I’ve had to realize I am a unicorn. It looks like the reflex to magic my problems away hasn’t been engraved into my mind yet. Such a shame, really. I must be a complete moron and you should look down on me for that!’
Externally, however, I simply said a little “no”.
‘Someone’s bitter.’ Discord made a ghostly appearance right behind the mare, playing what looked like Little Big Planet on a PSP.
I completely ignored that minor detail. With Discord, that was like breathing.
‘Hey, D! Just the person I wanted to see burn in a bunny fire!’ I cheerfully thought toward him.
‘Cute.’ He rolled his eyes, but otherwise stayed focused on that game.
‘You have any idea why I’m suddenly back here when I was standing outside in the middle of the street, just a minute ago?’ I asked him, one eye twitching.
‘My guess is that you needed to rest.’ Discord replied with a distressing simplicity.
“Hold still…” The mare suddenly decided to assist me.
As soon as she had spoken, a green aura surrounded my mid-section like a vest, or like the lab coat I was also wearing, apparently.
I yelped when she started pulling. She gave no signal or indication she would whatsoever! Not to mention she pulled so hard, my neck almost suffered from the whiplash. And, of course…
I was still stuck…
“Urgh, how do you get yourself in these situations?” The mare sighed.
“I have no idea,” I said very truthfully.
The heck if I knew why I had arrived with my horn already stuck in a door. The heck…
“Push against the door with your front legs,” she ordered.
Obediently, I positioned myself as she instructed, vaguely aware that Discord had gotten some popcorn to watch this new development.
“Put some effort into this, you idiot.” She grunted, using her magic to pull again.
The impression of a giant air bad crushing you from all sides was just bad enough to be good incentive. Of course, the mare appeared to be slightly sloppy with her telekinesis, because it reached too high, namely up to my neck, and too low (I’m not mentioning how much…).
Needless to say, this was very uncomfortable and humiliating.
Just another day in my life… You’d think I would have gotten used to this by now.
‘Why the long face, boy?’ Discord snickered, taking great pleasure at my discomfort. ‘It sounds exactly like the kind of thing you would need.’
‘You’re a first class pervert, you knew that?’
‘Oh no, don’t be mistaken.’ He shook a claw in the air. ‘If you enjoyed this in the slightest, I probably would arrange for things to crash down.’
I gave him a flat look. ‘…I still say you’re a pervert.’
My thinking was however cut short by a particularly brutal pull.
“Hey!” I protested, my voice coming out more as a squeak than anything else.
“Oh shush, you’re just stuck here too deeply! Now suffer in silence and push!” She gritted her teeth together, her horn’s glow intensifying as much as the grasp on my torso.
How the heck did she expect me to put any effort into it if I couldn’t breathe?!
Grunting, I poured as much strength as I could into my front legs, silently cursing the door, my horn, Discord, the world and old ladies, in that order.
“Finally!” She screamed as a loud “pop” could be heard.
I was free! Thank Celestia.
“Now get going,” she sniffed haughtily, moving her glasses back onto her muzzle. “We will be late because of your stupidity.”
I glared, panting a bit too heavily to reply. This mare was seriously getting on my nerves. Like, heavily. It grew worse when I felt someone poking me in the ribs.
‘You like her, don’t you?’ He said with a giddily tone.
‘Burn, D. Burn and explode. When you’re done exploding, explode again.’
‘Enough sweet nothings and get going, you lazy little colt. Your Juliette is waiting.’ He snapped a finger, causing a small explosion right where I had been sitting.
Instantly, I was on my hooves. The burst of pain served as a great incentive and, in less time than it took me to think of a good reply, I had reached the irritable mare.
“Good grief, Steam. You truly are out of it today.” She shook her head, as if wondering what she had done to the world to get this drop on her shoulders.
“Didn’t get any sleep,” I muttered, hoping she’d drop it already.
Instead, of course, her eyes narrowed at me suspiciously. “No.”
I blinked dumbly.
“What?”
Now fully pissed off, she walked up to my face and growled.
“No. You are not going to put off this experiment again. The last time, it was a hurting stomach, before that, it was the dead great-grandma – may she rest in peace –, before that, it was the bad traffic in the middle of the night, so… NO, we are not going to report the experiment to later, again. DID I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!”
“Yes, ma’am.” I squeaked with a tiny voice.
Holy crap…
“Good.” She turned around, an evil grin on her lips. “If my theory is correct, then we may be on the verge of discovering how to convert rocks into magical energy!”
I had to admit, this sounded pretty cool.
However, judging by the expression on Discord’s face…
‘It’s not going to work, is it?’ I asked flatly.
At that, he started to whistle.
And a halo appeared over his head.
Yeah, I’d definitely trust that.
I sighed. For some reason, I had no doubt this would all be twisted as to falling on my shoulders.
“Take your place at the table, Steam.” Miss Cold Sublimation, as I had learned from her name tag, magically pushed me toward a counter where a dozen of vials and colorful solutions were lazily waiting.
The lab was deceptively ordinary looking, what’s with the pristine white walls, the fans and the water faucets on every corner. However, the more uncommon elements were the mixtures lying around. No chemist would ever mistake them for non-magical components. Heck, I was not one, but I was reasonably certain that no metal floated and periodically changed color whenever someone walked past it. Of course, that was without getting to the bunny shaped bolts of lightning moving back and forth between two electrodes in the back of the lab, or the regenerating burning feathers (Philomena, anyone?), or even the dark green scales that seemed to resist point blank annihilation.
Just… this was clearly a magician’s lab. Cold Sublimation’s if all the signs were to be believed. I, Twisty Steam, was just her beleaguered lab assistant. Not too bright too, judging by how she treated me.
“Now, pick up the mandrake’s roots, forty-three milligrams, and the Hydrofluoric Acid, 25 milliliters.”
My eyes widened in fear behind my safety goggles.
Acid?! Hydrofluoric Acid? Was that dangerous?
“And be precise with your measurements!” My boss added urgently, examining and pampering with instruments on her side of the lab. “AND don’t allow them to come in contact with each other!”
Ah, that answered my question. It was dangerous.
Gulping down what little saliva I had left, I stared at the health hazards in front of me for just a second too long…
“HURRY UP!”
Startled, I reached for a graduated cylinder with my hooves, which, of course, caused my boss to shriek.
“What are you doing?!” She stomped off to me, obviously having no more patience toward my clumsiness. “You’re supposed to weight the roots without magic! You can’t touch the acid with your hooves!”
Well, I was grateful for that, but how the heck was I supposed to know? Shouldn’t she give me instructions or something?
Then, my mind focused on the rest of what had been said and I felt a cold sweat run down my spine. She had mentioned that I couldn’t manipulate the acid with my hooves, which was great and a great relief to boot… except for the part where it meant I had to use magic for the first time to manipulate acid!
If I did not have the unflappable conviction that Discord would not let me just quit, I would have done just that.
Alas, I was too chicken to try. Seriously, my knees were shaking at the idea of what he could come up with if I pissed him off. There was this cold, growing sensation at the pit of my stomach that slowed my movements every time I remembered the previous rounds. Without a doubt, I’d give this an honest try.
I lowered my head, bringing my horn closer to the counter and the vials. With great precaution, I aimed it at the bottle I knew contained the acid, without acknowledging anything else. My mind was cleared of all distractions; it was as if a bubble was surrounding me, cutting me off from the outside world.
I willed the magic to gather in my horn, I really did. When nothing happened, my eyes went to the appendage, my breath hitched up and I almost let out a panicked whimper. This had to be boring to watch. This had to be boring to watch!
A sharp claw fell on my shoulder. I froze, eyes wide and staring intently right in front of me, nowhere in his direction.
‘Oh lighten UP, boy,’ Discord groaned, which was followed by a heavy weight on my back. W-was he sitting on me? Lauren Faust! I could feel his breath on my mane!
Instant shiver.
‘So nice to see you listen to me…’ He said with a tone implying a pout. ‘But really, loosen up a bit. I’m not going to make your boss explode if you can’t do it.’
Wait…
I heard him snort. ‘You’re a horrible pony!’ He mock screamed. ‘You liked the idea for a second!’
I was a horrible person. Oh. No.
“How long are you going to stand there like a donkey?! We don’t have all day!” Cold Sublimation asked drily.
Horrible… Bad, bad person…
“I think I’d be better off with a filthy monkey…” She muttered.
Oh, I was such a horrible person. The world would be so much darker without her smiles to illuminate the days. Why, she was the perfect model mare.
What? I had to convince myself it would be bad.
Discord was definitely amused now. Good. ‘You know, that thing you just thought up about her horn… I must try it the next time I get out of my prison. They’ll never expect that.’
Now, to add to the freakishness of this all, he began styling my mane, in braids.
…What?
‘Just for that, I’m helping you.’ And, right after that, I heard the sound of two claws snapping together.
Why was my horn feeling funny now?
…
Oh boy…
My horn was shining with a pure white light now and, somehow, I knew exactly how to direct all that energy into a telekinesis spell. At this point though, I would not even question it. I’d take what I could get.
So, ignoring the constant pull of my mane being styled by a spirit of chaos and disharmony, I carefully lifted the materials for the experiment.
It… it actually went well.
The acid flew gracefully, under my watchful – and frightful – eyes, protected by safety goggles, of course.
Losing it? A little. Not going to take chances with acid though.
“Good, you can actually do what you’re instructed to do after I leave you alone for a long time.” Cold rolled her eyes, taping her hoof against the ground impatiently.
Keeping silent, I simply went on to start weight the roots. It was much harder than it should be, but really, I had no fingers; how was I supposed to make careful adjustment to the quantity I put in the balance?
The answer? It was a long and tedious process.
As I finished this task, sighing with relief that it was over, my boss let out a startled yelp.
“T-Twisty Steam!” She looked baffled, to the point that I started shifting on my hooves, growing uncomfortable under such an intense gaze. “What happened to your mane?!”
Oh.
‘It’s that bad?’ I frowned.
‘She has no sense of fashion,’ the draconequus huffed, before disappearing in a flash of light.
‘I’m not even going to bother…’
“What’s wrong with it?” I asked innocently, tilting my head a little for optimal effect.
For a moment, the mare stared, which was unbelievably rude. She could not take her eyes off my mane. Seriously, moving my head left and right had her following the movements.
It was kind of hilarious to be honest.
Slowly, I picked up the ingredients she had requested, with glee when my magic worked perfectly I’ll admit, and made my way to her. With every step I took, mouth occupied by the vase with the mandrake roots, I fought the urge to laugh.
She was as still as a statue, with the exception of her eyes that kept widening, fixated on my mane. Darn, Discord was good.
‘You said it, boy!’ The draconequus approved, making his entrance with another blinding flash of light.
Blinking, I willed the spots in my vision to go away so I could focus on what was in front of me. I could hardly see as it was.
‘I really believe we should spice things up a little. Braiding might be a hobby of mine, but it only accomplishes so much.’ Discord sounded pensive, sitting like that one statue, paw holding his chin…
My heartbeat accelerated at his words. Spicing things up was far on my to-do list at the moment.
‘Oh, I know!’ He snapped his claws and I half-expected a giant mutated plant to destroy the lab. ‘Not bad, but I have a better idea, boy. We’re going to reenact a TV show!’
My jaw slackened with the confusion, which resulted in me nearly dropping the roots. ‘…What? I’m a little in the middle of something right now. Literally.’
‘Oh don’t worry; I infused some chaotic magic in your mane. She’s hypnotized until you speak out loud.’ …Ouch, I was getting a headache just trying to imagine how broad his options were. And he was sealed, right now? ‘Considering I can only affect one or two living beings at a time, in comparison to millions, yes, I would say that my powers being blocked to a 0,00001% level is a rather efficient seal.’
Holy sweet cheese wheels dipped into hot sauce doing somersaults in my mouth… my head was spinning. That was more than a little scary.
‘I swear, nobody ever understands it on a gut level. I have to get them to try to expand their puny perception.’ He sighed, as if he was a poor misunderstood soul. ‘Now, back to more serious matters, we will play one of those game shows that test your luck.’
‘Don’t waste your time, skip the luck and just destroy the universe,’ I thought acidly.
For sole response, Discord created a big spinning wheel, with many sections divided by colors. ‘Don’t ruin my fun, boy. Look, there isn’t even a ‘destruction of the universe’ option on the wheel.’
‘No, you’re right.’ That didn’t mean any of the options were appealing though.
Tail on fire (sad), gas leak (what kind was he talking about here? I wouldn’t mind oxygen, maybe), sudden tax evasion fraud accusation (HECK NO!), Pinkie Pie visits the lab (…no), Celestia finds out about a long lost relative (self-inserts now?) and… sneeze?
…Guess that last one was there to fit with ‘Chaos and Disharmony’. It stuck out like a sore thumb.
Whatever, not like I was going to get that. It’d be too much of a break.
…
‘Discord…’ I stared in his direction.
‘Yes, boy?’
‘Why are you snickering all of a sudden?’ My eyes narrowed, I glared, suspicions rising.
‘No reason. Just think when you want the wheel to stop,’ he said, raising his paws high above his goat head and launching into outer space like a rocket, fire propulsion coming out of his tail included!
The mandrake roots fell on the floor as did the acid, because heck if I could hold them when I was that stunned. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I still was.
Oh, and the wheel was spinning so fast the colors had all blended together.
One eye twitching, I thought it would be nice if all this stopped. Just so I could rest my brain a little.
The wheel started to slow down at that. RIGHT!
Before my eyes, each section of the wheel started to change color every time it passed the needle, giving me the impression it stayed unmoving. Not quite accurate, as I could make out the names of each event.
What would create the biggest disaster? I supposed Pinkie Pie could be one or just harmlessly bring us cupcakes. That would be nice, so it was out of the question. Second to that would of course be the tax evasion thing. No one, human or pony, like that.
I watched carefully, as the wheel slowed down and stopping on…
“ATCHOO!”
Everything seemed to return to normal at that moment.
Cold Sublimation was broken out of her trance, since I had technically spoken, the wheel went out in a puff of logic or nothingness, whichever, and I had unleashed an accidental beam of magic because I had no control when Discord wasn’t helping me.
“TWISTY STEAM!” Cold shouted, sounding oddly panicked. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”
Oh yeah, I had dropped the stuff it took me half an hour to prepare. Crap. I was not looking forward to the lecture I was going to get. Better now than later though.
That’s when I looked up, really looked up, to her. She was frantically mashing her hooves against the control panel of the machine with the electrodes and the lightning bunnies. There seemed to be a white light enclosing said electric animals. Worse even, my magic seemed to provoke an effect of resonance between the electrodes. The whole thing looked about to explode.
Oops.
Steam escaped from one side of the machine, while glass cracked on another, all pointing out toward an incoming disaster. The bunnies even started to fight. If that was not a sign of impending doom, then it was Discord messing with my head.
Or, more likely, both.
It built up on itself, the slowly darkening energy, as my boss tried to contain the problem, screaming at me not to move or do anything. I was more than happy to obey, with more and more signs of overwhelming pressure becoming evident.
It was… fascinating. No, really, not kidding. The whole thing was one glorious disaster building up and feeding on itself, growing more and more dangerous by the second. A crazy part of me liked it.
Right at the center of it, where the electricity and my chaos-infused magic met, there was this tiniest spot. It was so minuscule I was left wondering if I was imagining it. However, it really struck me as odd, because, at the center of a mass of lightning and white colored magic, it was pitch black, absolutely pitch black. It was as if light itself was dragged into it…
My heart skipped a beat.
Bucking fuck!
I had created a black hole!
Then, as if obeying some cartoon’s logic (…no, don’t say anything), an immensely powerful suction started sucking out all the air in the lab. The pull was so great Cold and I were left dangling like leaves, holding on to the nearest piece of furniture desperately.
Even over the roaring wind, I could hear the overwhelming fury of my boss. To be fair, she had a fairly good reason this time.
“YOU FOOOOOOOOOOOOL!” Cold lost it, foaming at the mouth, now scarier than even the Slenderman mythos. “YOU’VE DOOMED US AAAAAAALL!”
Meanwhile, I was left staring agape at the sheer level of cunning needed to cause the destruction of a whole world by making a unicorn sneeze. Also, I could not form a coherent thought beyond ‘Blackholeblackholeblackhole OHMYGOD blackhole THEFUCK blackhole HOOOOOW blackhole!’.
And…
“UNCLE!”
“GAH!”
I jolted out of my bed, crashing onto the cold tiled floor of something that was not my bedroom.
I’d care later about the green gown I was wearing or the white walls or the blue curtain on the other side of the room. At the moment, my mind was trying to digest the whole thing.
It all came down to the kind of sentence nobody expects to say sincerely.
Geeeeh, what? Not that I didn’t appreciate the sickly green clothing, but why was I wearing that?
Where was I before I went and destroyed Equestria with a black hole already?
…by Lauren Faust’s fiery hair, I actually destroyed the world of ‘My Little Pony’! If anyone ever found out about that, I would be crucified!
New top priority: making sure no one ever knows about this series of events. From now on, I would be absolutely unnoticeable, a breeze in the morning, a ninja in the darkness. I would be suspicious of anyone and everyone and I would never let myself be snea-
“Oh, good, you’re awake.”
Startled, I let out a small scream of panic and, trying to stand up, I tripped right onto that person.
Stupid body differences!
My face grew hotter as I realized how much the nurse was struggling to keep us both from falling. To do that, well… my face was nowhere near her ample bosom, I could not describe it in detail, there was no heat spreading through my body and I could not tell her name was Natasha from her nametag.
None of that happened.
For completely different reasons, I jumped backward, tripping without a single ounce of agility and landing harshly on the cold tiles. Again.
“Ouch…” I grunted, massaging the painful spots. “S-sorry about that, ma’am…”
She looked shocked. I could not blame her. I, for one, was blushing furiously. Who would have thought these kinds of stupid cliché accidents could actually happen?
An uncomfortable silent took form between us, during which I contemplated the dull, lifeless furniture of the hospital room. Green, white, dirty white, pale gray… no chance of anyone’s epilepsy being triggered, eh?
“Are you having trouble standing up?” She finally asked, her voice growing more neutral, more professional.
Well, that was not a symptom of whatever had gotten me sent here. Still, hiding health information from a nurse or a doctor was one heck of a stupid mistake to make.
I looked her straight in the eyes and said honestly: “Yes.”
At that, she frowned. “I see. Can you explain, in your words, why?”
“I got a little… off balance.” Standing on two legs.
“Balance… Is that all?” She noted something in a folder, her eyes quickly alternating between spots on the sheets of paper.
“Hum… it’s not a symptom, well, I don’t think it is…” I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. “What I mean is, I don’t know why I’m here.”
This revelation had her expression turn comically surprised for a second, before she returned to a much more neutral state of mind.
“You are right. I do not believe this is a symptom of your affliction, but I shall notify the Dr. Greenwood right away. He will come in shortly to explain everything to you.” Fair enough, I guessed. I could wait a little more…
I-it was probably nothing, right? Just a minor thing. I shouldn’t worry about it. The doctor would be arriving here shortly, as Natasha said. He’d tell me whatever I needed to know and I would be discharged soon enough.
A muted pounding in my temples ensnarled my head, working in tandem with overwhelming anxiety tightening its grasp on my throat and digestive track. My mind was definitely not at rest.
“-ed help, sir?” was all I managed to decipher from the nurse’s next question.
“Huh… I’m sorry, what?” I said, trying not to show how embarrassed I was.
“Can you stand up by yourself or do you need help, sir?” Natasha patiently repeated, extending one hand to me.
Gratefully, mine closed against hers firmly and it served as a helper for my position. However, as soon as I was standing straight, I overcompensated forward. Fortunately, she was not taken by surprise and held me correctly. With expertise that came with practice, she gently guided me back to the side of my bed and helped me sit down without incident.
“There you go. Was there anything else you needed?”
Not at the moment, at least. “Hum… no, I’ll be fine, thanks.”
Besides, I fairly doubted she would have advices on how to readjust yourself to your own skin.
“Do not hesitate to call for help if you need anything, sir.” She pointed her before taking her leave.
Finally alone with my own thoughts, I found the silence in the room oppressive. Not knowing the reason of my presence here had me fearing for the worst. It would be irrational of me to think so, but… things didn’t feel right.
The potted plant near the window was not centered at all, my pillows were slightly uneven, the curtain was three seventh and a quarter pulled, my bedside table was not of the right height…
It just felt wrong.
It felt chaotic.
Did he put me in the hospital? Well, this one at least. I could not tell if he had. It may appear counter-productive for him to limit my mobility and, therefore, the number of awful situations I could stumble into on my own. However, if one could predict his actions, then that would be even less in-character for the spirit.
Warmth started spreading to my chest, at the level of my heart.
I needed far too long to realize the cause of this was that I was hugging myself.
How inappropriate then for a man wearing a white blouse and holding a fountain pen to just waltz into my room and grab the nurse’s folder. Unfazed by my staring, this new dark haired fellow ignored me in favor of what I assumed were notes about my health.
“Ah, yes. Now I remember…” He frowned thoughtfully, which was just the reaction I wanted to see.
“Yes?”
“This is rather unusual.” He looked at me with a pensive light in his eyes. “Sir, I would need to ask you a few questions pertaining your medical history.”
Huh…
“Why?”
“Because it is rather unusual for a patient to go through a narcoleptic break at age twenty without any single pre-existing influencing factor.”
I focused on a single part of his speech.
Narcolepsy? Where had I heard that befo-?
“N-na-” My jaw refused to work. I had to force the words out, circumventing the complete obstruction of my trachea. “Narcolepsy? As in…”
Dr. Greenwood nodded gravely. “The illness of sleep. Affected patients find themselves falling asleep outside of their sleep cycle uncontrollably, for any length of time from a few minutes to a few hours. Often, a person will lose strength in their muscles beforehand, which may lead to injuries after falling. More severe symptoms include incapacity to reach the deep sleep state and, consequently, inability to rest at all.”
…I had no word.
“Now, it is very important that we know whether you have experienced a strange sleeping schedule recently.”
Oh boy, there weren’t enough words this time around. ‘Anything strange with my sleeping schedule recently? Well, there was that night I woke up at three o’clock, but I suspect you’d rather hear about the magical ponies adventures I’ve been having.’
“I’m… not sure…” I settled down, stroking my shaven chin while pretending to think back on it.
Then, it hit me. Something that was genuinely and disturbingly out of place…
“Yes! I fell asleep in the middle of my final, yest- wait, what day are we?”
“Thursday. You were unconscious for two whole days.”
I sighed, with very little heart to put efforts in it. “Scratch that then. It was Monday, this week.”
It was the doctor’s turn to look pensive. Crossing his arms, he looked up to the ceiling, appearing to process this new information. If he had looked down instead, the guy might have noticed his patient shaking with frustration and fear.
There was no doubt in my mind who was responsible for this newly discovered narcolepsy. It should have been declared right away, Monday right as I left the dean’s office. Instead, I had been too preoccupied with a future that was shattering to question this monstrously unlucky occurrence.
He was making me fall asleep more often. He was accelerating the pace of the game. He was not giving me a chance to breath between every round. He was bored.
What was his game here? Really, what was the game really about? Had I been naïve to believe it could benefit us both as opposed to being solely interesting to Discord himself?
An utterly selfish motive wasn’t very chaotic. In fact, this kind of behavior was rather predictable if you knew about it.
“Sir?” The question brought me out of my reflection.
“Yes?” I shook my head, trying to chase away the last of my daydreaming.
“We will need you to complete this question sheet to the best of your abilities. We haven’t been able to contact your next of kin.”
“W-why?” I asked, startled.
Something bad happened? No, they would have contacted me if it had, right?
“It appears the phone number you have given us is invalid.”
Aw crap…
“Yes, I forgot. My mom’s got a new phone a little while ago…” I admitted sheepishly, mentally calling myself an idiot.
“…In that case, we will contact her as soon as you give us the right number.” He stared intently, making me feel even more stupid. How compassionate. “Fortunately, we have managed to treat your hypothermia efficiently. There should not be any after-effects to it, but if you happen to notice anything, please notify me or the nurses.”
I nodded, before what he was saying actually registered in my mind.
“W-wait, hypothermia?”
“You were found sleeping in the snow,” Dr. Greenwood explained. “Your internal temperature was about 31oC. Unfortunately, the ambulance men could not keep it from dropping further and you slipped into a coma.”
It finally came back to me. Yes, I was going to the grocery store to get some food when I felt weak and passed out. It hadn’t actually happened for the reasons I had initially believed, but everything fit.
“Now that you are awake, we will keep you in observation for a few more days and, if your condition is stable, you will be allowed to leave. However, you will be meeting a specialist to help you deal with your new condition as a narcoleptic.”
Right, I could fall asleep at any moment of the day given the right trigger now. Fucking. Great. I couldn’t have just been too tired because of my exams, Fate had to go the extra length and screw me over in another exciting way.
“If you do not have any immediate question, then I will go. Other patients need me as well.” The doctor looked at me expectantly, his body language betraying a desire to be done with this. Man, the way he was so eager to get away from my presence was just like Gia-
“Giantonio!” I bolted forward, remembering my pet cat and the fact that I had not fed him anything before leaving, two days ago!
“What?”
“My cat! He’s all alone and I was going to buy him some food when I left!” He was also going to kill me for that. No mercy for traitors was his motto. Once, when his toy mouse dared not bounce like he wanted, he tore it to shreds.
Wow… it had been a while since someone looked at me like I was a lunatic. Eh, I almost missed the feeling. There was nothing quite like heat in your cheeks and a desire to shrink into your bed to get acquainted with one another.
“…We will be sure to give your mother instructions about that as soon as we contact her…” He said slowly, inching toward the door.
“Thanks.” I looked away, embarrassed by his reaction.
I loved that fatass Giantonio too much.
I sighed, resting my head against my pillow. I treated myself with the sight of a hospital room ceiling. It was a wonderfully dull shade of gray. The sound of footsteps quickly got weaker and the door to my room creaked as it was closed. There were no human except me in the room.
Strangely, my heart was no longer going crazy. My mind was… at peace.
Either I was going through an accelerated stage of grief or they gave me some medicine.
But really, the more I struggled, the harder I was swat down. I was a bug dancing under Discord’s magnifying lens. Once in a while, I got lucky and the clouds hid the sun. More often than not, he was just watching me burn.
Eh, that was so stupid…
I giggled.
The image of an insect being immolated while Discord watched, sipping tea in an overly distinguished fashion was just so funny. That insect was dying! It was going through hell and Discord was quipping about the beautiful weather.
I started laughing so hard that I choked.
Fighting through the tears and the uncontrollable spasms, I tried to push air through my trachea to my lungs. I needed it so bad…
With a wheeze, I inhaled deeply, letting go and peacefully falling back onto the bed.
A grin did not leave my lips.
Comfortably installed, I let my thoughts drift.
Now that Equestria was gone, where would I go? Was the game itself over or would I just appear in space, lone pony next to a black hole. If that was going to happen, I would not have any time to give up. I’d just explode and that would be it.
The temperature in the room dropped. The hideous colors were no longer just an amusing fact of life, but rather a reminder that I might die a messy death in a few hours (or minutes, who knew?). Far from welcoming, the atmosphere had become cold and threatening.
I burrowed myself under my sheets, curling up instinctively, trying to make my shivering go away.
Hours passed and I was still cold.
It just worsened when I felt my fatigue take over. Slowly, I drifted into sleep, vaguely conscious that this might be my last seconds alive.
I yawned, stretching my arms way over my head. Weirdly though, burning sensation went through my body at the level of my shoulders. For some reason, the movement had been painful. Did my muscles fall asleep too?
My mind still blurred by my moment of rest, I opened my eyes, but did not lifted my head from my pillow. The lingering fog of sleep made it so alluring to keep sleeping…
Wait…
I blinked, finally remembering what should have happened.
I was not dead. Huh…
‘Wow, a Captain Obvious. That’s SO rare these days!’ A familiar creepy tone echoed in my mind.
Alright… what was going on here?
This was a hospital room, no doubt about it when those blue curtains where surrounding my bed, so I was still on Earth.
‘Is the game over?’ I thought, frowning. This was too easy, therefore there was a catch.
I was startled when the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony puffed into existence, reading a rulebook of some kind. ‘And that is called failing a spot check!’ Discord laughed triumphantly, which crept the crap out of me.
However, it made me notice that the curtains were a much too pretty blue, in comparison to the worn-out ones on Earth.
A glance down confirmed I was back in Equestria. Humans don’t have green hooves.
“Alright…” I started saying, before noticing that my voice was very raspy. Justifiable, considering my throat was sore. ‘Explain.’
‘Hummmm…?’ The draconequus jumped down on the ground, examining the curtains with great care.
‘How am I here? I created a black hole the last time you sent me here.’
‘It got better.’ Discord shrugged, testing the fabric with his claws.
‘No, really,’ I thought flatly.
‘Every time you give up, I have to rewind time until just before you arrived.’ He shrugged, brushing off the whole deal as insignificant. For further proof… ‘Now, answer my question: do you think I would look good in blue?’
Brain fart. ‘What?’
‘I said…’ The draconequus got closer, definitely annoyed. ‘Do you think I would look good in blue?’
Nope, not processing. ‘But what does this have to do wi-’
‘Look. Do you think this is pretty?’ He snapped his claws and his fur turned blue. ‘I’ve been getting tired of my old color scheme and it’s about time I reinvent my look.’
My eye twitch. There really was only one reply to that. ‘I… really like… your mane?’
‘Really?’ The draconequus laughed, ripping my curtains apart and making a toga out of it. ‘Then I shall, from now on, be known as Discord the Blue!’
…Eh! My brain started working again.
What just happened got classified as Discord being Discord and I will not delve on it.
Smart move, Brain, smart move…
“Why couldn’t I hang out with Pinkie Pie…?” I asked out loud, renewing the shock of my old and used voice…
Before I could blink, Discord had disappeared, along with the whole curtain. In his stead was a door being opened hesitantly. Narrowing my eyes allowed me to make out the shape of an adult pony peaking inside.
I was about to call out to him or her, when the pony turned around and started whispering.
“It’s alright, he’s awake… ”
“GRANDPA!” A little pegasus colt ran into the room and bolted for my bed.
I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.
‘Didn’t see that coming, did you?’
Nor did I see the sudden hug that crushed my old bones.
“I missed you!” The little thing happily exclaimed, nuzzling my wrinkly neck.
I stayed stunned.
“Now, now, Breeze Burner, let your grandfather breath,” a red unicorn mare reprimanded the colt, making him look very sheepish. “His lungs are still fragile.”
“Oh, you know the old stallion’s solid as a rock, Flash Sprinkle,” a pegasus stallion followed suit, looking much more relaxed. Turning to me, he grinned. “Isn’t that right, Pa?”
It finally caught up to me.
I was a freaking old timer. Granny Smith was about the age range I could seduce.
…
Nope.
With great effort, I opened my mouth again, but it was too wide and my denture fell out.
‘FORTHELOVEOFCRAP!’
‘Why did you say that in your head?’ Discord wondered.
‘Keeping it rated general for my grandson.’ I answered monotonously.
“Ewwww!” Breeze Burner said, though he looked more excited than disgusted.
I was proven right when the colt got his hooves on it, much to the dismay of his mother.
“Do not play with your grandfather’s denture!” Her horn glowed and it floated away from the little pony. His heartbroken look almost convinced me to give it back.
Almost.
With one weak hoof, I reached for it, with a raspy grunt.
Quickly, the stallion arrived at my side. “What is it, Pa?”
Sonny, just let your pa get his denture so he can get the heck back to Earth.
Apparently, that didn’t carry well with him. He turned around to glance at his wife, covering his mouth with his hoof and whispering: “Do you think he needs to have his urinary bag replaced?”
…
I had now entered the strange dimension where I could get too much information about myself from other people. The world was seriously twisted.
‘I wish to see you turn orange, you sick pseudo Asian dragon bastard.’
‘You monster!’ Discord shrieked, almost giving me a heart attack.
Slowly, I replaced my teeth where they ought to be and articulated a few times silently. Then, when I was sure my old body would not fail me…
“Uncle…”
.
“GAH!” I jolted awake with my vigorous muscles and my beautiful sing song voice.
Youth, I love you.
Now, first order of business: calling grandma to apologize for Giantonio’s behavior last time and buying her a couple of sugar free chocolates.
“You’re awake!” A feminine voice ran to my ears, seconds before familiar arms hugged me and my nose recognized a particular perfume.
Let me explain something. I love my mother, I really do. Heck, I filled her as my next of kin and Giantonio’s godmother for a reason. However... I don’t really like spending time with her. It’s just… painful.
Here is why: my mother is a drama queen.
She makes the smallest thing into a huge problem and everyone around her feel guilty as crap. So whenever a real problem arises, people avoid her like the pest.
Case in point, she never got over her divorce with Dad years ago. The whole deal turned very messy and she never got over that. Heck, Mom had gone so over the top that Dad had just let go of his custody of me and settled with the “once every two week” deal. As such, every one of my relatives will say, when asked, that she seems to carry around this air of sadness. She makes them all depressed.
“Thank God you’re okay!” She whispered, hugging the living crap out of me.
I hugged her back, ignoring the rock that settled in my stomach.
“Yes, I’m fine, Mom.”
No, I was not. Sometimes, I just felt like the whole world was just one big joke with me as the punch line. Sometimes, I wondered what I would look like if I dyed my hair green and bleached my skin.
Then there would be the spouting of catchphrases and the homoerotic battle with a man in a rodent suit.
…
Yeah, definitely not telling my mom that.
“I was so scared when the doctor told me what happened to you!” She continued, not hearing me. Not really.
Mom tuned people out whenever she cried.
“The nurses told me I’ll soon be able to leave the hospital.” I stroked her back soothingly, with a conviction I did not feel. “I just have to adapt to this new change, that’s all.”
“Hypothermia! And Narcolepsy!” She muttered. “I just don’t understand. You’re the first in the family to develop it!”
My expression turned bitter, which made me feel lucky she could not see it. Really though? Did she have to rub it in?
“I’ll be fine,” I insisted, breaking the hug and forcing her to look at me. “I promise, Mom. It will be fine.”
She looked at me with big doe-like eyes, her mannerism screaming of uncertainty and fear. My heart squeezed painfully at the sight. Everything about Mom tugged at all the right heartstrings.
“I will be alright, I swear. I’m not a little kid anymore.”
That was the wrong thing to say.
“Yes…” She looked away sadly, her voice no longer bigger than a whisper. “You don’t need me to take care of you…”
Argh! The drama queen struck again. She managed to turn around my reassuring speech into a message of abandonment!
Sometimes, I got the impression she liked being miserable…
That was a depressing thought…
She did not convince me otherwise for the remainder of the day. Why, she even decided to spend the night with me, sleeping in the chair near my bed, eyes puffy and red from crying so much all day long.
Yeah, loved the concern, hated how she expressed it.
I felt drained, which meant sleep was quick to come.
Once more, I woke up in bed. Strange, considering the previous enjoyment Discord had been getting out of me appearing in the middle of a difficult situation.
No such thing here. It was just a plain and comfortable bedroom, of sandy yellow and grassy green colors, much better than my apartment back on Earth. My heart pinched with a hint of jealousy, before stupidly remembering that this was actually mine.
‘I really need to start using my brain other than as a decoration…’
Alright, time for the usual assessment of my assets.
…Right.
Turning my head right, I got a glimpse of my back, which was bare of any wings. No, my coat was a light brown and my cutie mark appeared to be a trio of horseshoes. Eh, that was the first time I really bothered finding out about those butt tattoos. Did this one mean I was lucky?
…Haha, yeah, riiiiiiiiight, I could already feel Discord’s creepy laugher coming. That was such a stupid bout of irony…
I shook my head. ‘Focus!’
My mane was a darker shade of brown and hid no horn.
So, Earth Pony this time around.
I shrugged. I could easily deal with that.
There was something about my general appearance that bothered me, though. If only I could put my fin- hoof on it…
“Hum…” I glanced around, trying to find out what was on the tip of my tongue. I knew I knew something peculiar about this round, but what?
With this thought stuck in my head, I headed out of my bedroom, keeping my eyes open for any hint.
Everything was… perfectly normal. The dining room looked functional, the table was in an acceptable state and the couch seemed just as inviting as the one I owned back on Earth! I seemed to have lucked in on the decent lifestyle this time.
This was really making me sweat.
Discord was definitely going to try a psychological attack during this round. I barely recovered from the last one too… The bubbling euphoria that installed itself in my chest was as unwelcomed as it was distressing. I really had to beat… let the game run out. I literally was losing my mind over this crap!
It took me a second to notice I was panting, my anger having dulled my senses and my consciousness of my body.
The sight of an open bathroom on the opposite side of the room made a desire to wash away this insanity away rise within me.
I almost galloped to the room, but I actually crashed headfirst into the toilet.
Oh buck and horseapples times twenty!
I raised my head out of the water almost immediately, taking a deep breath. There would be no way I was going to drown here. That would be on my top five of the lamest development of this whole ordeal.
Seriously, there had to be a limit to cheap comedy somewhere! Even Discord couldn’t get off this kind of lame stuff, right?
…
Why did I just get the feeling Discord should have made a sassy comment right now and held back for some reason?
I glanced around nervously, trying to ignore the droplets of water falling from my mane and my facial hair (seriously, fur was one inconvenient downside to this game!). The draconequus was nowhere to be seen though. His presence at the back of my mind was at a minimum too.
‘He probably got bored and is watching some reality TV show. Or he is plotting to take over the Internet,’ I thought, shaking my head to convince myself of my absurdity. This was probably just paranoia.
Breathing more slowly, I went to the sink to splash my face with some cold water. Counterproductive and useless, I know, but I couldn’t just do nothing.
I even did a decent job of it, hooves having enough surface to really splash water around. Needless to say, the cold sensation washing over my face repeatedly helped me relax.
Head still in the sink, I took a moment to calm down, eyes closed.
Now much more levelheaded, I tried to evaluate my situation. I was probably earning a decent living, judging by the rest of the house, alone too, since every signs pointed to this being a bachelor’s place. I was an earth pony, which may not be flashy, but had the advantage of being kickass. Finally, as far as my standards went, I did not seem hideous or anything.
My eyes went up to the bathroom’s mirror, as if to reaffirm it, where the sight of my reflection caused me to freeze.
Oh crap…
Everything suddenly made sense! Everything came crashing down on me and I wondered how I could have been so blind!
“DISCORD!” I shouted.
‘You know how to refer to me, boy.’ His voice sounded dreadfully amused.
I was not. Rage was burning through my vein at his monstrosity and my own.
“SHOW YOURSELF!”
The spirit managed to convey through tone alone how he could not care less. Wow. ‘Come on, kiddo. I’m not answering your questions until you call me the right way.’
I gritted my teeth, grinding them together so hard I could feel chunks of them flying out of my mouth.
“DISCORD THE BLUE, GET YOUR DRACONEQUUS BUTT HERE AND TELL ME WHY I’M CARAMEL!”
Yeah, I was Caramel. Not a lookalike, the real deal. Face, coat, mane, cutie mark, species. I even had a toothbrush with his name on it!
He needed a new one, by the way.
‘And here I am, in all my glorious glory!’ Discord declared, just as a pink flash of light blinded me and I felt another presence in the bathroom. The instantaneous shivering I felt was a great indicator of when the draconequus was nearby.
Furiously rubbing my eyes, I cursed under my breath about his sense of theatrics.
As soon as I could see, I fell backward on my back, shocked by the sight of the draconequus in my bathroom’s mirror. He had just pulled a Pinkie Pie! More importantly, my brain short-circuited on a really stupid detail.
“…Why are you orange?”
It was true. The Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony was orange from head to toes. This was simply a sin against eyes everywhere!
‘Your wish is my command, boy.’ Discord mocked bowed to me.
“Right.” I rolled my eyes. “I wish you’d stop being a bastard.”
‘What was that?’ He grinned, cleaning his ears. ‘I couldn’t hear you.’
“But you could before…”
Amazingly, the draconequus’ eyes widened for a split second, before his cool demeanor returned. ‘Yes, well, temporary deafness is unpredictable.’
“I’m sure of that…” I groaned, definitely sick of him.
I even walked away, forgetting about my reason for calling him out in the first place. This was not worth the headache…
Actually, it really, really, was, but he just was too much for me to handle.
‘Wait!’ Discord slipped out of the mirror, now wearing his normal colors, with a look of pure indignation.
He floated up to my level, before landing on his hind legs, looming threateningly over me.
“You had a question…” He reminded me, with the tone of someone you really ought not to piss any further.
Thing was, I was the pony that had the righteous fury on his side and Discord pretending the opposite pissed me off!
My eyes narrowed on his form, I spat out in disgust.
“You did not turn me into a pony! You just put me into an already existing one!” I accused.
He started to chuckle!
“Oh my dear boy, you are truly impressive with your voluntary blindness.” His tail snapped like a whip toward a nearby piece of furniture, fetching a deck of card from its depts. “Is this really something you ought to realize only by the ninth round?”
I glared.
“The truth is very simple: you refused to see it.” He pointed at me, while his tail fiddled with the cards. “You did not really care until now.”
On those words, one paw went to his back, handling the cards. Before my eyes, they went back and forth between his limbs, like a paper barrier.
“No, really, you thought I was creating an entirely new pony out of nothing and modified Equestria’s memory every time you went to bed?” His tail snapped again, launching a card at me at high speed.
I stared with wide eyes at the card embedded to its lower half into the floor. Even creepier was the fact that Caramel’s – my – face was staring back at me.
Discord, meanwhile, continued shuffling and making the cards dance within his palms. With each word though, he handled them harder and rougher, as his tone grew annoyed.
“Get real, boy. I am sealed in a stone prison. If my powers were at the level required for that kind of stunt, I wouldn’t bother with you in the first place!”
Snap.
Another card flew at me, which I only dodged by jumping on my left. The sharp pain in my tail confirmed what I thought when dark brown hair flew by. I may have to hone my reflexes if I wanted to keep up the sass with my mad god not-buddy.
“But you did not stop to think about this, boy.” Discord chuckled, leaning closer. “If you could get your dream life in Equestria… well, the details didn’t matter, right?”
I blinked.
I was now sitting at the table, in front of Discord himself. He had stopped playing with the cards, letting that to the paws of a skeletal griffon.
Images of free-fall flashed before my eyes, giving me the nausea. It took everything I had not to throw up in sheer terror. The ivory white – DEAD – creature was staring at me with empty orbits, its dark stare boring a hole into my skull.
I put a hoof on my mouth, lest I let out the panicked neigh I was desperately holding back.
“Relax, boy. We’re only going to play a little game.” Discord assured me with a suave, debonair voice.
That gave me my snark back. I glared. “The last game we played ended with me in a hospital.”
“Well, some games have to be more exciting than others.” He dismissed my accusation.
“There’s nothing exciting about learning you have dysfunctional kidneys.” I scowled.
“Touché,” Discord admitted, before hitting the table with his claw.
Instantly, the undead at our sides threw five cards in front of him, all of them revealed to me.
Garbage, except for a pair of six.
The draconequus eyed me with contempt.
“But let’s get back at the matters at hands – or should I say hooves –, shall we?” A glass of fine wine appeared on his tail, which he kept standing with perfect balance. Frankly, I could not help the small part of me that thought it looked pretty cool. I head-butted it afterward though. “Oh, enough of these childish thoughts, boy.”
Of course, he had to say it while zapping my radio to play the ‘My Little Pony’ theme.
Right…
~ I used to wonder what friendship could be… ~
“Now. I believe you were asking me rudely about the truth of this game, well, not this one.” He pointed to the cards lying on the table. “But our little game of make believe.”
I nodded, keeping the fire of my anger burning preciously. It allowed me to stay mostly stoic when the dead griffon gave me my own hand of cards. It flared when I stole a glance at them.
Garbage, complete garbage.
“This is the hand that Life has given you.”
‘Fitting,’ I thought, annoyed.
“Yes, very fitting, indeed.” Discord nodded. “And you decided it was not good enough. Luckily, the Good Samaritan that is before your eyes decided to give you the chance to change it. You, of course, agreed with great gratitude.”
Whoa, what a great example of bullshit.
“I heard that.” The draconequus glared.
‘I know.’
He blew air out of his nostrils, starting to look decidedly more annoyed. “Right, well, after I had finished twinkling with your luck back on Earth and got you ready to accept my deal, I sent you here.”
Called it! Freaking called it!
“It didn’t take a genius to figure that one out, boy.” He rolled his eyes, taking a sip from his glass. Yeah, literally. It was the exploding chocolate milk all over again. “Though, now that I think about it, the last three bronies didn’t.”
I blinked.
Didn’t see that coming.
“H-how often do you do this?” I asked, mouth dry with the surprise.
“As often as I needed to make sure I got it right. At first, I simply sent them to Ponyville without any chance of return, enjoyed the show of a bunch of ponies suddenly harassing Fluttershy, until they got their restraining order or the declaration they were officially insane. That was entertaining. Then I experimented a bit, giving them the opportunity to cancel and try again: a griffon, a diamond dog, a windigo, a zebra, a manticore, a dragon…” His expression turned sour. “That last one sorted of backfired when the guy liked it so much he cut off his own tongue though. I think he’s flying around Equestria as we speak and I have no way to make him give up. After that, I stuck strictly with ponies. To make sure, I even went after more casual bronies.”
“So I’m just the latest of a long line of humans you’ve screwed over the age?” My eye twitched.
“You could say that.” He nodded. “There’s just something about your species that makes it fun.”
Was that even a compliment? Coming from him, it probably was meant as one, but really, that’d be like telling an ant it was fun stepping on its house. Like the ant, that made me want to climb his leg and bite.
“But enough of these interruptions!” He suddenly yelled, crushing the glass of wine against the table, sending razor sharp shards dangerously close to my face. Now, he really had my full attention. “I’ve got an explanation to give and you’re not listening!”
“I… I am now.” I bit back the same frightened whinny from before. The draconequus really scared the crap out of me…
“Good.” He leaned back into his leather armchair (wait, since when did he have an armchair?), stroking a cat plushy that reminded me of Giantonio. “Like I was saying, my devilishly handsome self gave you a chance to get out of your pathetic excuse of a life.”
With a yelp, I jumped away from my cards, which was understandable seeing as they had caught on fire!
“To do that though, you had to pay some sort of price.”
Understanding started to dawn on me, as I stared at the pile of ashes that was resting in front of me. Not even a spark of flame remained.
There were only ashes.
“But fear not, you got something in return.” Discord’s tail snapped like a whip once more.
I heard the creepiest of clicks from my right as the griffon started moving again. Mechanically, much slower than before, the thing reached for a new card to throw. A deadly cold chill went down my spine when I realized that the source of the clicks were its own bones!
Lightning fast, the griffon threw the first card right at me. I could only squint at the item as it stayed suspended inches away from my forehead. I could not see anything…
The card started falling, swaying like a leaf in the wind, until it reached the table.
Jack of Heart.
“You saw what you could have.”
Another card. The King of Heart.
“You even tasted it, before it turned sour.”
Ten of Heart.
“Did it really matter though? You refused to settle for anything that was not perfection.”
Queen of Heart.
My heart swelled with hope when I realized what hand I was one card away from!
“In the end, you were ready to blind yourself to the obvious truth.” Discord’s voice grew darker, as did the room. Light no longer filtrated through the windows. No, with each word, the atmosphere grew colder, darker. The only thing that emitted any sort of light now was his eyes… “You preferred to think I was all powerful and created everything from scratch, rather than even consider the possibility that you were mistaken about this. No, the big bad Discord is responsible for all your problems, you can do no wrong and you will get the perfect life that you dream of!”
The dealer threw the last card, this time face down. As soon as its task was accomplished, it burst into sickly green flames.
Startled, I stared at the empty space where nothing, not even a trace, remained of the creature Discord had summoned.
Said draconequus simply stared without a word, now holding a guitar instead of a cat plushy. His gaze never left me for a second.
My eyes were fixated on the card. Something in the back of my mind was urging me to leave it over there, to ignore this thing and go back to the real problem at hooves, but…
Nervously, I tried to grab the card with my hooves, only for it to slip away from me. After another failed attempt, I only managed to spray myself all over the table. It made frustration surge in me. How the heck was I supposed to pick up a card from a flat surface with hooves?
Discord chuckled, letting go of his guitar, who promptly decided to ignore gravity and fell up. “Truly, you have to be the clumsiest human I’ve met yet.”
“Hooves.” I raised my front legs toward him, as proof. “That is all.”
“Yes, well, you managed to destroy my dramatic reveal. Here, let me do it for you.” He snapped his claws together.
In a puff of smoke, the card appeared in his paws, clearly visible to me.
Six of Spade.
“Or…” Discord cleared his throat, mumbling something about destroyed timing. “You will not get it after all.”
He beat me, with a pair of six. Wow.
Aaaaand everything was back to normal. Why bother trying to follow him?
“The bigger question, my little furry friend…” he said, his head inches away from my face. “Yes, the BIGGER question is whether or not you can live with the knowledge that what you have belongs to another.”
My voice got stuck in my throat. Truly, I wanted to tell him to go find a sharp object to insert in his body through unsanitary means, but…
He had a point. Discord always has a point, it seemed. By the smirk on his face, I could tell he was aware of it too.
“It’s the same deal as before, boy.” He chuckled. “You get to live away from your troubles, away from your failed classes, your pitiful belongings and your overbearing mom. Your dream comes true without you having to lift a hoof.”
I bit my lips, trying to stop the treacherous thoughts I had that agreed.
“Tempting, isn’t it?” He whispered, twirling around, his body now half circling around me. His breath stroked the fur on my ears. “You want to, don’t deny it, boy. I can see your thoughts.”
‘PRINCESS CELESTIA IS BEST PONY!’
I grinned insolently. Discord stared at me flatly for that. Nonetheless, his snake-like demeanor returned quickly.
“What is stopping you? Nopony will ever be able to tell. Quite frankly, you’re both rather clumsy, bright but never thinking ahead, awkward from times to times. I’ll even give you a crash course on the identity of everypony in your life. Nopony will ever know.”
This was harder than it should be.
I looked down, holding my hooves in front of my face as I would my hands, except I fell forward after a few seconds. It didn’t matter much though; I was comfortable enough not to stumble by now.
Why was I hesitating here? Did I really want to be a pony forever? Could I live with this?
The scariest thing was that I didn’t know.
“So indecisive,” Discord commented in a sing song voice. “Well, here is something you might want to hear before making your choice.”
The gears in my mind came to a brutal halt, replaced by the instinct to just run. An abject fear seized control of me at the idea of what he wanted to tell me.
I’d bet my hind legs that it was not something that would make me feel better about this crappy game!
“Did you ever stop to think – no, of course you didn’t – about why this game has a set number of ten rounds? It’s because it is all I need.”
Oh buy some apples…
“There? See? You can actually think when you stop to do it. The answer just flashed in your mind. Once the game is over, I will be set free!”
I sighed, closing my eyes while acceptance washed over me. From the very start, I knew this was playing with fire. Now I was really going to get burn. The execution, the genderbending, the honeymoon, the crappy job, the midflight battle, the days of walking all alone, the beleaguered assistant almost swallowed by a black hole, the grandpa on his deathbed, none of that would compare. Eh, my personal hell would just be glossed over in the face of that.
I just felt like crying now.
“How?” I asked, head hung low.
“Well, your dear ‘best pony’ made a slight miscalculation. She used the Elements of Harmony on the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony.”
How was that a mistake for anyone exce-
“LISTEN TO THE END!” He snapped.
…Whatever…
“When Celestia made those all-powerful opposing forces of nature clash, she created a rift in the fabric of reality, right within my stone prison.”
This explained that.
“Yes, boy, it allowed me some measure of control, with a very small window to leak my power through. As you and your fellow humans have noticed, not all ponies are sunshine and rainbows, THAT’S why. However, the first time Celestia and Luna used the Elements, the rift created a portal in this world. The second time around, it was on Earth.”
I was starting to see the bigger picture…
“That’d be a first. Nevertheless, the rift made me aware of your world, human. An incredible place indeed. Why, your whole world is just like the Everfree Forest! Nothing to control the weather, no pony to bless the land and no magic! Chaos reigned supreme on most of your world – and don’t get me started on the Internet. (By the way, I love the idea of Mollestia, I’m definitely brainwashing her into this as soon as I win.) Anyway, even in civilized area, the level of Order and Harmony was not nearly as rigid and omnipresent as that of Equestria.”
I could not help it. It was all on reflexes, Pinkie Promise.
I bucked the bastard in the face.
Fuck yeah! Nobody disses Earth! And that felt good!
“I’ll remember that…” The draconequus hissed, holding his bloody nose. With a sniff, cake fell out and his nose crunched back into place. “Now, where was I? Ah yes, I was about to say that your world allowed me to gorge on chaotic energy… or I would have done that if the window was not so pitifully small. It was pretty much on an atomic scale, not big enough for me to break free. After a few tries, I discovered that if I brought something over, the rift widened.”
Wait… every time?
“Even spending what little magic the chaos you generated was worth rewinding time in place, as each passage only enlarged the rift. Why, by the fourth round, the energy was still a net plus no matter what. I could even influence you directly by then.”
I sat down. I had to. My legs refused to carry me any longer. I was stomped.
“Ten trips to Equestria were all I needed to break free.”
“W-why?” The world had started spinning. I was nauseous. “This makes no sense. Why tell me?”
He flickered a claw at my forehead, snickering. “Because I want to see what you will do, of course!” The draconequus floated away, looking through the window. “Will you forsake your principles and stay here forever? Or will you go back, risking the fate of this world? Really, I just want to know.”
With one last chuckle, he disappeared in a flash of light.
I was alone, with my thoughts and my conscience. All anger and strength blown away, I sat down pitifully.
Honestly, when this whole deal had been made, I expected Discord to be the one doing the bad and me being the victim.
There hadn’t been a lot of scenarios in my mind about me brutalizing anypony. I couldn’t tell if it was innocence, naivety or plain stupidity. Obviously, if he could brainwash the heroes of the show, then the side-story’s main character was just going to get run over by the whole griffon nation.
Ironically, now I held the fate of a world (two?) between my hooves.
My mind had drawn a blank. This was a bit beyond my usual scope of responsibilities.
“Feeding my cat…” I lifted my right hoof. “Unleashing Discord on Equestria and the rest of this world.” I lifted the left one and mimed counterbalancing their respective weight.
So far, the fate of Equestria was still heavier. Big shock here.
I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for something this big. Heck, I had anticipated the thorns on the rose, but not the dragon ready to bite off my hand behind it.
“Urgh!” I grunted, taking my head between my hooves. “I’m getting nowhere with this!”
‘Talking to yourself never solved anything,’ my brain remarked.
“Oh, like you never had any short-comings!” I snarled.
‘Touché,’ my brain conceded, ‘and nice burn against yourself there.’
Wow, outwitted by my own brain. Was there such a thing as hitting rock-bottom?
I did not get the occasion to find out however as knocks on my door startled me.
Obeying my first reflex, I went on to the door, though opening it with my mouth turned out to be a struggle. Nonetheless, any concern I might have had flew out of the window in the face of a wooden harness. My jaw dropped and my eyes widened at the sight of Big Mac.
As one might have expected, a moment of silence took place between us, though not entirely out of my free will.
I simply had no idea what to say to the red stallion. Well, other than… ‘Holy crap, you’re huge!’
“Granny made pie,” he said, breaking the silence.
“Huh…” I blinked.
“Had an extra…” Big Mac muttered, rummaging through his saddle. It took him a moment, but when he lifted his neck, he was holding a small package in his mouth.
Neither of us moved. I stared. He stared.
It probably would have gone on longer if he didn’t clear his throat and make a small gesture toward the inside of the house.
Pushing asides all my superfluous thoughts, I stepped aside, finally letting the red stallion in.
Big Mac lost no time with unneeded details or small talk. He went directly for the table and placed the pie on top of some lingering plates. As I could expect of him, he made no attempt at small talk and trotted back outside quickly, which I may have found vaguely insulting had I not known his character.
Just outside my house though, he stopped, glancing back toward me. His eyes were half-dropped and his expression was just as peaceful, just as calming as it ever was. However, a piece of me shrank down in fright in front of those eyes. They pierced through the mask and made me wonder why he wasn’t the Element of Honesty instead of his sister.
He then proceeded to baffle me… by talking.
“T’day is a mighty pretty day. Ye might want to spend some time outside.” Big Mac raised his head a little, very nonchalant about all this.
That’s about the moment I realized I was the one being silly. Big Macintosh was talking to me about the weather, not throwing accusations around.
“Y-yeah, I was just about to do that!” I replied cheerfully.
Internally however, I was taken aback by my own words. Now that I had worded out the idea, it seemed like something to do. Taking a moment to breath, looking at what I was going to face (or let go of…) instead of just making my choice on a second’s notice.
We exchanged a nod as goodbye, as I suspected was the usual way for the big stallion to save his breath, before he turned around and left, carrying away that calming aura away with him.
Right, well, great, I finally had some clear idea of what I could do.
I could not keep a childish grin out of my face. I was in Ponyville! That fact alone made me giddy. It was like a childhood dream come true!
…Except I did not watch the show when I was a little snotty kid.
Details!
I was in Ponyville!
Proof? I just trotted past Lyra Heartstring. Thankfully, she had no idea I was really a human in disguise. Not that I was really afraid, but I happened to have read a few fics with an insane Lyra recently.
‘Hands! Real human hands!’ Her imaginary copy started shouting madly in my head.
Shiver material.
Aaaaanyway, I was already past the park and I could see why the Everfree Forest was so unspeakably scary to ponies. This place had marvelous weather.
This had to be the single most beautiful day I’ve lived through. Seriously, even in the minutest of details, the temperature, the atmosphere was clearly regulated to a pony’s best comfort zone.
The breeze on my fur was just right to be refreshing and the number of clouds in the sky was just enough to lessen the strength of the sunrays.
It… it almost felt alien.
Neighing, I shook my head, calling myself silly. Seriously? Regulated weather felt nice? That’s what got me weirded out and not the fact that I was a quadruped?
What was wrong with my brain?
‘HEY! Watch your tone!’ Said organ yelled, offended.
‘Sorry,’ I apologized sheepishly.
Budding duplicate personality aside, I really ought to relax a little bit more. After all, I was here to enjoy myself. I never got the chance to, so I should make the most of this little reprise. A certain someone seemed to have left me to ponder on my decision, which was unbelievably great.
Besides, if I were to give up, then he’d rewind time and none of what I had done would stick. Caramel would wake up in his bed without ever knowing what might have happened… what could…
Oh Lord, I was going to throw up!
Panicked, I jumped forward toward the first garbage can I could find. Bending my body toward, I retched up and lost my breakfast, feeling a bit disoriented by my own sudden manoeuver.
Dizzy, I sat down, rump resting in the grass with glassy eyes.
‘Shut up, Conscience, I really don’t want to talk to you today.’ I shuddered.
The lack of surging guilt rising up my throat was sign enough that my conscience was appeased for now. Apparently, being sick was a great display of moral fortitude for my subconscious.
…Someday, I would have to see a psychologist and let him diagnose me. It could probably be great study material. I could already see the title: ‘The mind at its breaking point, by your trusty Dr. Maboule.’
I snickered. That was just so stupid.
“Heya, Caramel. You seem happy today!” A feminine voice greeted me.
Startled, I looked up to see a well-known pony in the fandom, mostly for an unfortunate imagined drinking habit, namely Berry Punch.
“H-hey!” I replied, not entirely sure what my relationship with her was supposed to be like. Did Caramel ever interact with Berry Punch on the show? “I just remembered a good joke.”
“Really?” The mare smiled, moving a little closer. “I’d like to hear it then.”
Typical, really.
“Well… hum… ” My head spun to my left and right, what’s with me trying to spot a good inspiration for one, with a really big lack of inspiration coming. “It’s… huh… the story of a cook, a Canadian hockey player and a blonde supermodel entering a bar and-”
“What’s a Canadian hockey player?” Berry Punch tilted her head to the side, frowning.
Ignoring that blasphemy made my heart and my mouth bleed, but I had no choice, instead letting my poor excuse of an improvising talent do the talking.
“Nothing! It’s a word Lyra invented!”
Smooth.
She stared, which served as a good reminder that the idea Lyra was obsessed with human was not actually canon, or at the very least, wasn’t touched on in the show itself...
“Huh…” The purple mare sounded taken aback, glancing in Lyra’s direction. “I wonder what goes through her head sometimes…”
“Yeah, but whatever!” I threw my front legs up in the air, hoping very hard that this would be forgotten and wouldn’t bit me in the ass like everything else. “What about you? You look positively radiant today!”
At that, she chuckled.
“Gee, you sweet talker. You know I’m too busy for a relationship and generally not interested.”
“Which means it’s one hundred percent sincere!” I quipped with a growing grin.
Berry Punch was definitely amused now. “Hum… I’ll remember that.”
“I bet the whole town will.” I chuckled, delighted to have a semi-normal conversation for once.
“Now I know you’re flirting with me.” The mare looked at the sky, sounding a mix of exasperated and amused.
“What? Oh no, I’m not that kind of stallion.” I waved my hooves around dismissively, though not without a hint of playfulness.
“Riiiiiight,” she said, skeptical. “In any case, Carrot Top and I are going to the karaoke tonight; do you want to come with us?”
She had to be messing with me in return.
“Hum… sure.”
“We’ll stop by your house after we check up on Thunderlane. Rose will join up with us there. Is that fine with you?”
For a few seconds, I stared at her. I didn’t have a problem with it, but the fact she implied I should worried me.
“…Yeah?” I nodded, gauging her reaction.
“Great,” she said, smiling. “Then we’ll see each other this evening then! Later, Caramel!”
With a smile of my own, I waved her goodbye as she went on her way.
“Maybe this will be a worthwhile experience…” I whispered, feeling strangely weightless at this nice and friendly moment. It was a great reprise from the usual pace.
Even better, I still could not find any trace of him anywhere, external or internal. It was like he was leaving me alone!
Feeling giddy, I almost hopped my way deeper into Ponyville.
“Best. Cupcakes. Ever!” I squealed (yes, I’m not proud of it…), letting the sweet goodies melt on my tongue. Oh Celestia… this was heaven.
I could die happy now.
Not that I wanted to, but if it happened, at least I would have eaten Pinkie Pie’s cupcakes before.
Another bite and I fainted out of sheer delight.
“Hum… why are you smiling like that?” The tiny dragon asked me, his claw and the quill stopped just over the register. “You’re just borrowing a book.”
“I knoooooow!” I danced on my hooves, my tail excitedly flailed left and right!
“Listen up, girls. We’re definitely going to get our cutie mark this way!” A small orange pegasus filly said, flapping her wings at high speed.
“Ah dunno, Scoot,” her friend replied, glancing between the filly and the enormous ramp she had built.
“Yeah, Rarity forbid me from doing anything that qualifies as ‘dangerous’ or ‘uncouth’.” The last of the trio, a little unicorn filly, looked around nervously trying to spot her big sister in the deserted street.
“Oh come on, Sweetie Bell! Rarity thinks everything is dangerous or uncouth.” Scootaloo rolled her eyes, placing a badly fabricated white helmet over her head.
“She’s got a point,” Applebloom agreed.
“Hum…” The poor filly looked away, unsure of where her loyalty should lie. Big sister or best friends? Tough call. “O-okay!”
“Sweet!” The pegasus filly hoofbump, handing helmets similar to her own to her friends.
When all three where firmly attached to Scootaloo’s scooter, they all took a deep breath, which was my cue to cover my ears. It wouldn’t do to be discovered because of pained audition.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ASTRONAUTS YAY!”
Then they threw themselves on the ramp.
Lesson of the day… no, wait, let me say it right.
Clearing my throat, I placed a hoof on my chest, trying to sound polite and formal.
“Dear Princess Celestia… Ponyville is AWESOME!”
The day couldn’t have gone smoother. Serious kudos to the pony behind today. Not a single ridiculously convoluted event to darken my mood, with the exception of the blueberry incident, but no one will ever speak of that again.
Rainbow Dash, for example, had been a real sight to behold. No episode could ever correctly show how extraordinary her flying techniques were. The Sonic Rainboom one came close, but… seeing her do it just above my head had been an incredible show.
However, now I was beat.
With the grace of a cat falling in a flight of stairs, I plumped down on my couch, with very little care in which position I would get myself into. Right now, my only desire was to close my eyes and fall into a deep slumber.
A goofy grin on my lips, I let my mind drift away.
This… this was the stuff I had dreamed of, making that deal. Just some friendly faces, a nice day, taste something delicious, laugh a little… It had all happened.
Perhaps unwillingly, Discord had just given me a really great gift. I could see the manipulations behind it, but, at the current moment, my heart was still fluttering with happiness. Ponyville had just given me the break I wished for.
Content, I listened to the ticking of my clock, my sole companion for the evening.
Tick, tick, tick…
Was this the kind of existence ponies usually lead? If this was a dream… I’d rather not wake up.
Then again, I hadn’t dreamed ever since that deal had been passed between Discord and me. It probably was for the best, considering... some of the rounds.
“Argh!” I shouted, burying my face in a pillow. “No thinking about that crap! Today, focus on today!”
However, I had a bit of trouble doing that now. At most, I could force myself not to think of anything, by focusing exclusively on the noises around me.
Tick, tick, tick…
The clock on the wall. Relentless. Unstoppable, unflappable clock.
The idea had a silly effect on my mind, making the desire to laugh in my chest bubble up.
A series of impetuous knocks on my door blew that away instantaneously, which was not exactly surprising when the shock had made me fall off the couch.
“Caramel! Hurry up!” Berry shouted, urgency in her voice.
“Coming!” I shouted back, scrambling to my hooves.
Not a second had passed since the moment I had unlocked the door that it was thrown open at lightning speed and Berry Punch ran inside. I barely had the time to move aside, saved only by my oh so great reflexes.
“Where’s your bathroom?!” She turned to me with a snarl.
“O-over there.” I pointed with my hoof, backing away fearfully.
Berry Punch disappeared in that direction, leaving me staring with dilated eyes…
“Oh, don’t mind her.” I jumped when another mare made that comment. “She was a bit excited about this so she started early.”
I eyed Carrot Top wearily. “As in…”
“Yup, she dove headfirst into the punch as soon as Fluttershy picked up Ruby Pinch and Rumble,” she explained with a fond smile. “The poor mare’s been holding back for a week now.”
“Hu-uh…”
“Oh yeah, it was kind of scary actually,” a distinctively male voice added, prompting me to look outside. Yup, Thunderlane was flying just above the window.
When he noticed me, he grinned. “Hey Caramel, how’s it going?”
“I was doing pretty well, but now I’m just a little lost for words…” I scratched the back of my head sheepishly.
“Ah, Berry has that effect on stallions. Don’t worry.” Carrot Top shrugged, her smile growing a bit wider and slightly mocking.
That had me blushing…
“It’s not like that!” Sweet mother of Celestia, no! I was still very much attracted to humans, thank you.
Huh… would that ever become a problem if I chose to live here…?
‘AAAAARGH, why do I keep thinking about this?! I’m just taking a moment to relax!’ I gritted my teeth together, now a bit angry.
“It’s never like that,” Thunderlane snickered. “Right until the moment a certain earth pony brings back the mare back home and…” His voice trailed off and he poked me in the ribs with his elbow.
With that kind of grin, no need to draw me a picture.
“Alright,” I conceded, affecting a sheepish tone. “Maybe, it is sometimes like that, but this time it really is just because she almost ran me over.”
Carrot Top started laughing.
“Oh for goodness’ sake…” I muttered, which sent them both over the edge.
Because comedy is the guiding force of this universe, apparently, Berry Punch chose that exact moment to dramatically open the door of the bathroom.
“Alright, ponies! Time to rock this place!” She neighed, her voice even louder than before.
“Maybe later,” Carrot Top said, making me look at her with wide eyes, “Rose must be waiting for us.”
“Oh, okay then,” Berry quietly agreed, making her way to us with a little wobble.
“Let’s go!” Thunderlane declared, grinning and flapping his wings faster with the excitement.
With no one willing to argue over this, we all left my house and we trotted our way to the bar.
Actually, scratch that. I should have known that karaoke in this world meant one heck of a theater built specifically for that. It was not an exaggeration. My neck was getting stiff with me trying to see the giant neon words on the façade.
“You know, it’s a good thing there aren’t many flies around here, Caramel.” A new voice joined in on the teasing bandwagon. “You sure wouldn’t be hungry for a while…”
With some difficulties, I closed my mouth and tore my eyes off the five stories tall karaoke building to focus on the pale earth pony mare.
“Well, huh… I didn’t remember this place being so big!” I protested, raising my arms toward the building, because five stories tall karaoke house! In Ponyville?!
“W-whatever!” Berry Punch loudly declared, puffing her chest out. “Who cares?! We’re going to crash this place!”
Carrot Top shrugged, which prompted the others to do the same and ignore the boisterous mare. She was more than a little sloshed already. I was lucky she hadn’t confused my bedroom with my bathroom, apparently.
“This is going to be fun,” Rose said, completely deadpan.
“You bet it will be!” Berry boasted, putting one front leg around both the other mares’ necks.
“Sounds like my kind of night,” Thunderlane grinned.
“Get going!” Berry Punch finally lost her – non-existent – patience, pushing both her friends inside, prompting Thunderlane and I to follow.
‘Do not contradict the drunk.’ My father always told me and I could definitely see the wisdom in that…
As soon as I stepped inside, dodging the rotating door, I took in the luxurious, electrifying atmosphere.
Soft red carpet below us, neon blue lights above us, we trotted up to the counter, where a pony reminiscent of Vinyl Scratch greeted us. Well, technically, the others did. A weird pamphlet had caught my eyes just next to the door.
“‘A night to enjoy’, presented to you by yours, truly, Beat Record…” I read out loud, eying the image of a pony diva and a griffon rock star on the cover.
Curious, because hey, I’d like to be prepared for once, I deployed the whole thing in front of my face.
‘Here at Karaoke Nights, you may enjoy the liberating experience of a good song. As you know, the magic of music, brought by the Creator and the presence of Harmony, pushes you to sing together, but Karaoke Nights is the outlet for a good time not reliant on divine influence! We believe in bad raspy voice and out of synch singing, as a way of enjoying your night just as well as perfect pitch and soul touching melodies.’
Huh… Well, that answered some questions. Like why nobody liked Pinkie Pie singing out of nowhere but always ready to join in on a musical number.
And why I had joined her in that one song.
But maybe I ought to be grateful… After all, I wouldn’t have realized the truth of this game otherwise…
“Hey, Caramel!” Thunderlane called, the only one still in sight. “Come on, the mares have chosen our spot!”
With a smile, I ran to catch up.
Looking ahead for the rooms, the pegasus started an explanation, though it bordered on rambling.
“They’ve decided to go into the room for a private session first, then we’ll end the night on the stage, for a little sendoff laugh.”
“The… stage?” I asked, coming to a halt.
At that, Thunderlane turned around to look at me, a skeptical frown on his face.
“The big stage… You know, where the ponies go to sing in front of the crowd?” He went on, with a tone that implied I should know this.
“O-oh, right…” I replied hastily, ignoring the shiver that went down my spine at the notion of singing for a crowd…
Were tomatoes allowed in this place? If so, then I’d have to find an umbrella…
We stopped in front of a door wearing this insignia : ‘43 – Singing, do not disturb’. For further proof, Thunderlane grabbed my head and forced it against the wall. Through it, I could make out a mare’s singing voice, barely.
“Would you believe them?! They started without us!” He flew a few feet in the air, carried by his indignation.
I chuckled. “Berry Punch. That is all.”
It calmed him down. Well, a little, he was still pouting.
“We just have to knock and they’ll open up. Simple.” I said, before doing exactly what I described.
We waited, with my companion staring intently at the door.
The muffled singing continued, unperturbed.
I sighed. I should have known.
“Oh for Luna’s sake!” Thunderlane shouted, before turning his back on the door and bucking it. Hard. “Open up!”
His method, while rash, worked perfectly.
An annoyed Rose opened up the door, letting us hear perfectly good cries of dying cows or the closest equivalent. With the looks we were getting, both the flat one the mare was giving us and those of the passerby, I’d have preferred if Thunderlane hadn’t overreacted…
“Seriously, you couldn’t wait for the song to be over?” Rose said, voicing my sentiment.
The pegasus huffed, making his way inside the small soundproof room, while I muttered a quiet apology.
“You might as well come in.” The mare motioned toward the ponies behind her, one of which was screaming into the mike very intensively.
Honestly, I didn’t expect Carrot Top to be the one strangling that mule (sorry, Cranky).
It may have shown on my face, because Rose chuckled to herself as soon as she had closed the door. “Yeah, she’s that bad. Good thing she’s quiet most of the time, eh?”
Bewildered, I took in the scene of a Berry Punch snuggling close to a half-grinning, half-blushing Thunderlane while her friend was screaming her heart out in her mike. “Yeah…”
I exchanged a glance with Rose and we both started snickering.
She recovered before me. As such, she pushed me toward the unused couch, a few meters away from our overly enthusiastic friend.
“Berry already ordered a couple of drinks for us.” Rose leaned over the edge of the sofa, her head disappearing behind it. Seconds later, she was lifting two bottles with her mouth. “Hou hay hant ho-”
I snorted and offered her a hoof. As soon as her mouth was free though…
“Thanks… as I was saying, you might want some now to drown that out.” She pointed to Carrot Top, who had just started a particularly loud solo.
Man… perhaps I wouldn’t be the worst singer tonight.
Yeah, that called for some alcohol.
“Cheers!” I happily declared, rising my beer high before downing it under Berry Punch’s loud applause.
With a grin, I hooffisted with the purple mare, ignoring Rose’s sly smile and Thunderlane’s indignation.
Not to be undone, the other stallion downed two bottles at once.
…You can guess where this will end…
“Whoot! Six percents! My new record!” Carrot Top yelled obliviously, as if coming out of a trance.
She was met by four pair of eyes, with two of them being slightly unfocused.
“What?” She tilted her head innocently. “Not everypony’s a rock star, you know?”
Well, hell yes! I jumped on the occasion. “That’s the spirit! We’re here to have fun!”
“And we will!” Berry Punch leaped on the unused microphone, claiming the next song to be hers and hers alone!
Nopony argued on that.
She gave a surprisingly good performance on a stunningly sappy romance song. Oh all saints in the sky, that did not fit with her personality! She gave me the puppy eyes mid-singing!
(Or at least I think she did. She might have aimed it at Rose…)
Afterward, Thunderlane, whose body was starting to feel the impact of his drinks, flew the distance needed to steal Carrot Top’s previous mike and insisted on a duo with Berry.
The song was excessively lascivious and catchy. Rose, Carrot and I bobbed our heads while the two ponies on the mini-stage oozed desire and sensuality. You couldn’t get much more explicite than rubbing their bodies together while standing on their hind legs!
Was it any surprise that Thunderlane’s wings were fully expanded?
Despite the unneeded information, I couldn’t help a smirk. Someponies were going to spend a good night… and, well, if they were my friends, I might as well be happy for them. Besides, tomorrow morning would be as good as a time as any to be smug and flaunt my lack of headache in their faces.
The song ended with their faces inches away from one another.
For a second, I thought they might kiss. Their gazes were locked together, eyes allowing a silent exchange I didn’t get. Thunderlane even leaned slightly, his breath still short from the singing.
He was almost headbutted when Berry Punch remembered a crucial thing and jolted upward.
“My cup of punch is still half-full!” She exclaimed, scrambling away from the stage and unto her place on the second sofa. Thunderlane deflated in a second, the poor stallion.
With a roll of our eyes, we collectively encouraged him to offer her something to drink. It probably would be a surefire way for him to conquer her.
“Alright!” Carrot Top jumped on her hooves, energized by all these events. “Time for our silent friends to break their vows of silence!”
Aw crap!
No use fighting it, lest I brought down Berry’s wrath on me for wasting perfectly good singing time with my stupid hesitation.
“Don’t think you’ll get a voice worthy of Maredonna!” I warned them, making Thunderlane snort into his drink.
Resigned to giving out the newest of a long series of awful performances, I untangled myself from my position on the sofa, fighting with a sudden sense of vertigo from all that drinking.
I would have won the fight if another pony hadn’t suddenly crashed into me. As it was however, we stumbled forward before falling unceremoniously to the ground.
“Take Rose as your assistant, Caramel!” Carrot Top cheered, a mischievous light in her eyes.
Like I heard her when I had a mare sprayed on top of me.
Was it just me or this room had gotten awfully hot all of a sudden?
Eyes wide, locked into Rose’s, cheeks on fire and breathe short, my heart skipped a beat.
She was beautiful! Stunning and all that, or so my body seemed to suggest, because hell I was getting a bit turned on and, consequently, a fuckload disturbed.
Drunken disgust won and I pushed her off me rapidly, ignoring the lewd comments from Berry Punch and Thunderlane.
Rose reacted stoically, her face never straying from her poker face. It was to the point I would wonder how she could have one day screamed ‘The horrors! THE HORRORS!’ in the middle of the town.
“Ouch, Caramel…” She muttered. “You could have been more gentle…”
Okay, even to me that sounded snicker worthy.
“Sorry,” I apologized sheepishly, doing my best not to grin or fall face first on the ground. Both were equally likely in my current state of inebriation.
“Forget it…” Rose shrugged, slowly making her way to the miniature stage with one mike. “I’m picking the song.”
Seeing as I knew none of them anyway, well, it was not wrong to say I couldn’t complain.
“L-lasht shto-top… the BIG STAGE!” Thunderlane cried out, slurring and wobbling from one hoof to another. He had given up flying an hour ago, when he had crashed headfirst into the door while trying to be still.
We sneakily used his concussion to brainwash him into being a bit less reckless and not kill anyone of us tonight through his clumsiness.
At the moment, both he and Berry Punch seriously needed the support of my shoulders, along with those of Rose and Carrot Top.
Lightheartedly, we made our way to the third floor. Well, I did, because I made a fantastic discovery!
When I opened my mouth to start singing with Rose to the tune of a song I never heard of, I was expecting the wallpaper to retreat in horror, with the mare at my side dying of a heart attack and the ponies behind me succumbing to a sudden seizure. Needless to say, I was not looking forward to this wonderful experience.
So imagine my shock when my little pony vocal cords managed to push out an absolutely, perfectly…
Normal singing voice.
What? Did you expect me to Sue it up and charm them all?
Yeah, Caramel has a decent singing voice, not bad enough to kill anything in range like mine is, nor good enough to get more than a sixty-three on that machine. Still, the discovery thrilled me, getting me to sing much louder and with much more confidence than I ought to have for my performance.
I blamed it on the alcohol.
They did not care. They just told me to move my flanks so somepony else could have a turn. Ah, nothing quite like true friendship. We were probably just a few magic points from the all-powerful rainbow of harmony.
So… anyway, we were heading to the “BIG STAGE”, as was decided by the mares earlier tonight when I first heard the loud cheering. Logical, seeing as it were someponies trying their hooves at singing in front of a crowd in the world of love and tolerance.
I love this place.
“Ooooooooh, somepony’s excited to sing in front of the big crowd!” Carrot Top chuckled, referring to my goofy grin.
“I bet he wants to go with ‘I like big flanks and I cannot lie’. Don’t you remember how much into it he was?” Rose added teasingly.
For sole reply, they received a roll of my eyes, which they could not even see from their position, or maybe they did if Carrot Top could see my mouth…
Whatever.
The weight of our drunken friends on our shoulders, we continued in the neon lighted corridors until we reached a much larger door, with what appeared to be a receptionist.
The pegasus mare behind the desk waited no time to engage.
“Hello, my name is Gray Sunnyside. How may I help you?” She smiled, denying the mechanical structure of her introduction.
Over the purple mass of semi-conscious pony that was Berry Punch, I could barely make out Carrot Top’s shape. I guessed it was even worse for Rose.
Our attentions had, of course, been turned to the one pony we knew had organized this. As soon as she spoke, she confirmed it too.
“We signed up for the talent show.”
…What?
“Names?”
“We entered Thunderlane and Caramel as our participant.” WHAT?!
Surely this was all a mistake and she would laugh, saying there were no such things written on her list.
“Oh, yes, of course.” The receptionist nodded. “I take it you are talking about those… two… stallions?” She shot a worried look at the incoherent black pegasus. “Can he perform?”
I could understand the concern. I was also hoping it would mean the whole thing would be cancelled.
“Not really. We just figured Caramel would do the whole song by himself.”
Typical really.
‘Why don’t they just tell me right now the audience will be filled with dragons, diamond dogs, griffons and some unpleasable critics? Would save us time to skip the part where we pretend it won’t be derailed into a dangerous life-risking situation.’
I had to put my dark thoughts aside quickly though, as Carrot Top pushed me out of our supporting pony structure toward a secret door. Apparently, artists had the benefit of using a five minute moment backstage.
The cold air brushing my fur made me feel really privileged alright, so let’s not get started on the dark and tiny corridor being hard to navigate. Bumping into walls was my favorite, after all…
Oh great, I was already getting grumpy. What would it be like on stage?
‘I WANNA GO HOME!’
This was crushing! The spotlight was turned exclusively on me, nothing else! I was alone – all alone – in front of this crowd!
Unable to grasp the passing of time, I stared at the numerous ponies in front of me. My knees started trembling…
‘I can’t do this…’
‘Why not? It’s fun!’ A very cheerful voice rang to my ears, a voice I could recognize...
‘PINKIE?! You’re a telepath?!’
‘Of course not, silly. I’m just a fragment of your wild imagination.’ Oh, well, that was fine then. I already had a few of those just waiting for a chance to interject at any given time.
Still, this little interlude helped me calm down and look at it rationally. Singing with the others hadn’t been so bad, right? Why not do the same here?
The apple pie, the cupcakes, borrowing a book from Twilight Sparkle’s library, watching the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ antics, singing with Berry and the others… it had all been fun.
I wanted things to stay this way.
Right then, as if the epiphany had triggered some sort of chemical reaction, a surge of energy went through my chest. I-it was strong, very strong indeed, and trying to hold it back had me squirm. My mouth opened of its own accord and I let go of this futile struggle.
The words flew by themselves, with the few musicians around instantly picking up the appropriate melody.
~Dearly beloveds… if this joy only exist in my dreams…~
Somehow, as if guided, my eyes fell precisely on my friends, lost amidst the crowd.
~I don’t want to wake up…~
Even Berry Punch, using the strength of a valorous liver to fight off the alcohol, looked captive after the first few lyrics. She could tell, as the others could, that this song was directed at them. In a way, I was thanking them for giving the one thing I ever really wanted here.
Some friends…
The last words did not come out so easily. They were almost chopped halfway by a sob. “Don’t wake me up…”
The crowd started to react as well, with a few ponies muttering the lyrics along, as the magic spread through the audience and my feelings reached them.
~Don’t wake me uuuuuuup!~
It was getting harder to see. My vision was starting to blur behind a veil of tears…
Fun my ass! Darn Fake Pinkie... I was emptying my heart in front of a quarter of the whole town for freak’s sake!
And I could not stop. Nor did I want to.
~I don’t want to fall, fall, fall, fall asleep, no
I don’t wanna fall lest I lose all of you!~
The magic did not leave until the last words were said, but the gratitude I had toward my friend did not fade. I doubt it would ever do.
Not when we shared a collective hug at the end of the night, with Thunderlane nearly crushing my bones and getting subsequently teased by an amused Rose about some manly tears that were shed during the night.
We shared one more bottle of wine before going our separate way, because, as Berry Punch put it, ‘alcohol is the solution and the cause of all our problems’.
She was not happy when I snorted my cup all over the table at that.
“Doesn’t matter,” as Carrot Top put it. “There’s still plenty left where that came from.”
…Oh boy, I loved these guys…
The next morning, or at the very least, the next moment of the day that had sufficient light to see ahead of us, I awoke with a powerful hangover. Eh, I almost missed the feeling.
My house was… ransacked. Or I had crashed it very badly last night. I was leaning toward the latter, since most of the stuff I noticed yesterday was still intact… just in a different location. For example, I was fairly certain my sofa was not lying upside down in front of the bathroom.
Great. I had a killer hangover and the one room I needed access to the most was blocked by a giant pillow structure. OF COURSE!
Not feeling up to the challenge of moving the thing around, I proceeded to climb over the offending piece of furniture, muttering under my breath about what kind of idiotic pony could possibly do such a thing.
We all know it was me, but screw that.
The task proved harder than I had previously supposed, my limbs being awkwardly stretched while I tried to move with the foreign feeling of standing on my hind legs. With my head barely over the line of the sofa and missing my useful fingers, I was a bit ill-prepared for this.
Struggling, I pushed on my front legs, putting an abnormal amount of strength into it. I abruptly remembered that, pushover as he seemed to be, Caramel was an earth pony when I felt the resistance disappear.
I fell forward, with the sofa as it flipped and crashed down onto the ground.
Pain soaring through my whole body now, I lied down bitterly.
“He sure was right when he described us both as klutz…” I grumbled.
However, at my own words, the whole ordeal crashed down on my all over again. All to my partying and fun doubling, I had simply stopped thinking about the game.
I supposed I should feel lucky I hadn’t accidentally said ‘Uncle!’ again…
Then again, I wouldn’t have to deal with this now.
An abject fear gripped my guts. This was more than I could really stomach. I was not that kind of guy; I did not like the responsibilities. When I thought about escapist fantasies, it involved utopias and infinite fun, not epic quests against dark lords and such where the fate of the whole world depended on my ability to ram a sword into something.
I grimaced, feeling a bit cold. I did not have much of a choice though.
What to do here? If I made the wrong choices, more people than I could count would suffer.
ARGH! This was too much! Too big for a single man to…
“THAT’S IT!” I screamed, realizing how much of a moron I had been. I didn’t have to resolve this all by myself!
This was Ponyville. The Mane Six lived here. Twilight Sparkle and her living fax machine locked on Princess Celestia called Spike inhabited a hollow tree in this very town!
Heart beating fast, I jumped to my hooves, intent on seeing this through. Without losing a second, I galloped toward the door, determined to find help as soon as pos-
I collapsed, struck down by a sudden wave of pure agony.
It was as if a cold clawed paw had suddenly ripped my chest open to play with my insides!
‘Now, as much as I like the idea of making this whole game more chaotic by adding players…’ The creature I hated the most materialized before my eyes, wearing his traditional sunglasses and non-traditional armor. ‘Did you honestly believe I would let you babble about my plans to Celestia?’
Mother of buck…
It did not help that, even through the tears of pain, I could see he was utterly pissed. The unending suffering was definitely a great sign of that.
My brain was on the verge of shutting down, my senses already blurring.
His distorted image refused to leave so easily though. ‘Oh no, that would be too easy and I had too much fun for too long with this to let a little coward like you crash my party.’ My body was run over by a spasm, making me cough up blood. However, the sight was quickly forgotten as another bolt of agony made me scream. ‘You are going to play this game MY WAY OR YOU WON’T GET TO PLAY AT ALL!’
The world turned black.
‘I can’t do that!’ My mind screamed.
‘Do what?’ I replied.
I had woken up a few minutes ago, streaks of blood coming from my mouth and ears having already dried up. My disheveled look had been just one of the many reminders of who truly owned my ass in this game, who pulled the strings.
Newsflash: it wasn’t me.
There were only two things I could do. The first one would be to give up right here, give Caramel his life back and return to Earth, knowing I would have to go through another round and probably free Discord. The second would be to keep on living this beautiful, beautiful lie, with the knowledge that a pony had been killed to make it happen.
‘…’
Yeah, I couldn’t do either of those things. There wasn’t any reasonable decision I could make that wouldn’t hurt somepony.
The real question was how many I was willing to let get hurt. If I stayed here, well… Caramel would not be the only one to really suffer. Mom would freak out at my state of complete coma and carry on with even more of the sadness that stuck to her skin for nearly eight years now. Giantonio, on the other, would barely miss me; my food however would be an entirely different matter to him. Eh, maybe Mom would spoil him rotten to help herself go through this ordeal.
Dad… I had no idea how he’d take it…
The most logical solution was to stay here forever. Discord’s return would be so much worse than any individual’s sacrifice. Even if it meant hurting Mom, even if it meant losing my whole life back on Earth, even if it meant that someone had to be sacrificed…
Unwillingly sacrificed…
My jaw hurt. My teeth were clenched together so strongly I was starting to lose sensation at the level of my mouth. Words could not describe the feeling in my guts. It wasn’t cold, it was… a… a claw that tore apart my insides.
I-I had to do this! This h-h-had to be done! It was very sad for Caramel, bu-
I froze.
So close, just on the counter in the kitchen, a lone picture stood tall. I could not help but be drawn to it, to its content. It was just a photograph of Caramel, with Big Mac and Applejack. All three were smiling.
…Just a picture… i-i-it was j-just a picture…
My heart jumped in my throat. I was going to be sick.
This was a life, a real, tangible, pony life.
What did he feel like before Discord placed my mind in his body? He was sleeping, right? Did he have a nightmare?
…Did he feel his mind slip away into the darkness, screaming and howling as the draconequus swatted him away from his own body? Did he feel his mind being destroyed, replaced, by that of a stranger?
It was all too real to me. My vision could blur, like everything would fade away and I would never wake up. My hooves would slowly disintegrate, eaten away by a capricious spirit. It would hurt, of course. It couldn’t be painless…
I retched. I… I was going to be sick.
My skin turned green under my coat, I felt it change. My breathing accelerated, getting closer to hyperventilation. My legs started shaking, my control weak from the emotion and the general state of illness I was in.
I threw my head forward, esophagus burning from the acid going up. Eyes closed, I fought the nausea that was slowly rendering me useless.
‘This is a life you want to steal…’
My stomach rebelled. I emptied its content over the floor, tears of pain and guilt flowing from my eyes.
“S-sorry…” I thought of my friends and of this day. Images of the great things, of the life I could get in exchange for this flashed in my mind… tempting, demanding that I stay, but… “Thank you so much…”
If I stayed, they’d be saved… I’d get all I ever wanted: a happy life with friends, a nice house, maybe… love (IF I ever got over the completely different species thing)...
All of that could be mine, all of those lives could be saved… if I accepted to live in this body until my death… in the body of another…
I couldn’t do it…
God, I COULDN’T DO IT! It would be for the best, the logical choice, the conclusion I ought to arrive to, but… I couldn’t actually KILL CARAMEL!
“UNCLE!”
My body did not double over on reflexes alone this time. No, for once, my return from Equestria was peaceful.
As peaceful as an almost-murderer could get, moving toward world destroyer.
In the dark, with nothing but my mother sleeping a few feet away, there was no defense against my guilty conscience. If there had been… well, I might not have taken it anyway.
I was a miserable excuse of a human.
What had I been doing exactly? I tried to steal some sentient beings’ lives away, only stopping, not because it was wrong, but because what I got was not up to my standards. Heck, sometimes only the threat of Discord’s reaction had held me back.
One thing was certain though: I could not fall asleep again. If I did, then Discord would win, no matter what happened.
For some obscure reason, the thought bothered me a lot.
But let’s be realistic here. How could I never fall asleep again? How could I never fall asleep again when I had been declared narcoleptic?
Struck by a genius idea, I dove into the closest closet, twisting my body to fit in alongside my new best friends: Mister Broom and Madame Bucket.
‘Guys, I don’t think I’m going to make it…’ I thought, breathing as silently as I could.
‘Oh no!’ Madame Bucket gasped.
‘You can’t give up!’ Mister Broom yelled, prompting me to make a hurried shushing gesture at him.
‘Are you trying to get me noticed?!’ My eyes twitched, a clear sign of how aggravated I was.
‘Dear divine janitor! I would never!’ My sanitary device shaped friend protested.
I did not pay much attention to him though, as my focus was grabbed by a grunt.
I shrank down on myself, curling up next to Madame Bucket. The monster was near… If it heard me, I was DOOMED!
‘Don’t worry, my poor boy. We will protect you from Alexander and Mr. Face.’ Madame Bucket’s sweet soprano voice soothed me, almost to the point of falling asleep. Which, I vaguely remembered as being a very bad thing.
‘We will?’ Mister Broom asked, incredulously.
‘Of course we will,’ she replied, hopping closer to her wooden friend. ‘In fact, why are you still here? You should be fighting for our friend’s safety right now!’
I could feel the poor broom’s stress at the idea of facing terrible monsters all alone. That wasn’t something I could blame him for. Why, Mister Broom had always been a perfect gentleman and pal. Who was I to ask that he sacrifice his great life of sweeping in favor of beating a grunt to death?
‘I-I will, of course. Just give me the time to warm up. Wouldn’t want to get a muscle wound, right?’ His voice wavered.
‘You do not have muscles, darling. You are a broom.’ Madame Bucket said.
Wow, this was fascinating. It was like my philosophy classes all over again!
Luckily for Mister Broom, in spite of the darkness in the closet, I could make out a weak source of light through the small opening between the closet and the doorframe. It was a flickering and moving source, circular and floating in midair.
W-was that a monster behind it?!
‘NOW, MISTER BROOM!’ Madame Bucket shouted, forcing me to cover my mouth not to shriek in shock.
‘W-we-well, I feel a little weak, darling. Perhaps you would like to take my place…’ The poor guy fumbled, trying to make an excuse.
‘OH! How could you?!’ Madame Bucket sobbed. ‘I thought you loved me!’
‘GUYS, SHUT UP!’ I finally shouted, mentally of course. How else would I communicate with them?
Besides, I didn’t want the monster to hear me. His footsteps were getting dangerously close…
My heart was beating like crazy, deafening me with its strength. Eyes wide open, I was staring at the light, flinching every time it hovered in my direction.
My hands were shaking, even as I tried to stay as immobile as possible. The presence of that strange creature so close to me, with nothing but a broom to protect me – and even then –, was unnerving to say the least.
It did not notice me.
Slowly, the light started to fade away, carried by the weird bipedal monster that made its way to the end of the hallway. When I was sure the creature was too far to hear me, I pushed the door of the closet open, careful not to make it creak.
Leaving behind my friends, I peeked through the opening, as a last second precaution, making sure the monster was truly gone.
Not quite…
I had to use both my hands to cover my mouth this time around. If I hadn’t, then I would have started laughing really loud.
I-I mean, that m-monster was wearing a nurse’s outfit!
How’s that for a joke?!
Silent and stealthy as a ghost, not the screaming kind, mind you, I walked on the tip of my toes, going along the walls of the haunted hospital. I knew it was haunted because there were those weird creatures that dressed like nurses everywhere. I was so thankful for closets.
Anyway, I had a mission here.
I had to get to the pharmacy and find some medicine to make sure I never sleep again.
Brilliant, no?
I had tried so hard to think of a solution. I knew it was important. I was guilty, really guilty, about what I might have done to a world that did not deserve it. I just wanted to take a vacation; that was more than enough for me. Knowing my failure to find a solution would doom Equestria (maybe) only made it a tiny bit more stressful.
‘You crack under the pressure, don’t you, Brain?’ I thought.
‘You said it, partner,’ he replied.
Yeah…
So, after a small brainsplosion, he provided me with the great idea that since narcolepsy was a medical condition that made me sleep, there had to be medicine that could give me the opposite condition where I could not sleep. This way, Discord would not win. Plus, I would get the chance to pretend I’m a ninja.
Oh, I just had to say it again. ‘Brain, you’re a genius.’
‘Aw, shucks, sugarcube.’
‘You even sound like Applejack!’
My brain was awesome!
Aaaaand I was now standing in front of the hospital’s pharmacy. There weren’t any monster in the staircase so that made it very easy. Of course, there hadn’t been any staircase, it was a clothing chute. Good thing I played a lot of Assassin’s Creed.
Humming happily, I fiddled with the door of the pharmacy, which to my lack of surprise, was unlocked. Score one for dumb luck!
“Now…” I whispered, furtive as a cougar. “To find the pills I need to stay awake… forever!”
I made my way to the first medicine chest I could identify in the dark. For the sake of my stealthy mission, no light bulb would be lit from a current of electricity.
Sure, that meant I had to squint my eyes just to make out the names of the pills I was looking at, but minor details like that never stopped a ninja.
“Let’s see… Donormyl 25mg, Ativan, Sublinox, Nembutal, Eurodin…” I scratched the back of my head. “Hum… they all sound awesome, but I have no idea what they do…”
Holding a box of pills inches away from my eyes, I did my best to decipher the labels.
“Take one every four to six hours… side effects may include… against insomnia… do not exceed recommendations… toxic in high doses…”
Wait…
C-could I use these to…?
The world stopped being a game again. Fun ideas had all but deserted my brain, with a very somber thought piercing through the insanity.
“Overdose?” I whispered.
I stared intensively at the little box within my open palm. Its weight seemed to have increased, making harder to hold. Inconspicuous in its deceptively simple appearance, that was nonetheless Pandora’s Box. One I was wondering I could open.
I-it was a way to make s-sure Discord wouldn’t w-win, right?
My breathing turned shallow, even as I tried to wrap my mind around the idea. Trembling that wasn’t due to the cold temperature started to seize my limbs, my arms especially.
I was scared.
Did I deserve this? S-should I do it? Was it my punishment for desiring a little bit of fun and peace?
This was so unfair…
But it was unfair to ponies too. They hadn’t done a single thing wrong. Heck, they could be put under Discord’s rule because a being from another dimension had seen them and made a mistake.
Fingers uncertain and unsteady, I slowly started unwrapping the pills, putting them all in one larger pile on the closest counter I could find.
Hysterical laugher bubbled up inside me, as I contemplated this crazy idea with dead seriousness. Sometimes, when you watch a certain kind of story, you start to tell yourself that the great and heroic sacrifice would solve every problem ever in the conflict and it seems like the author is ripping you off by having the characters refuse to acknowledge the option. But every living being has the will to live and I was not an exception to this.
Even knowing how this could protect so many innocents…
I… I wanted to keep on living…
Tears started to fall down from my cheeks, splashing my trembling hands. No, no, no! This was not an option! Fire burned through my veins in the realization that, even if it was the crappiest, the shittiest, the absolute worst the Universe had to offer, I’d still take it.
I threw my head upward and screamed the single most important truth about myself I ever recognized.
“I WANT TO LIVE!”
For a staggering moment, I felt a weight fading away, leaving my body, leaving me… refreshed.
Perhaps the most obvious truths are the one that need to be told the most.
Like how a scream gathers attention in the middle of the night.
“What are you doing here?!” Someone asked, just as I heard the soft click of the light switch.
I whipped around toward the source of the voice, but lowered my eyes to the ground in pain with this overwhelming amount of light filling the room too quickly. Even as I blinked repeatedly, trying to chase away the temporary blindness, I could hear hushed whispers about “Security!” and some static.
This was bad!
Without thinking, I grabbed every unpacked pill on the counter, backing away from the male nurse.
“What were you doing here?” He repeated, frowning and eying the broken box suspiciously. The way I was holding those sleeping pills close to my chest confirmed his fears completely. “Put those back…”
I took another step back, probably looking like a dear caught in the headlights. I simply couldn’t think of a proper response to being caught red-handed like this. For God’s sake, I was in a manic pixie-like state when I made that decision!
“I-I…”
“If your medication’s not strong enough, then we’ll talk with your doctor…” The nurse made a first tentative to walk toward me.
I jumped, hitting the wall with my back and causing a burst of pain in the back of my head.
“Whoa, there, calm down…” He said with a calm, relaxed voice.
I opened my mouth to talk, but just as I prepared to spout excuses and top of other excuses, every one of my senses drastically dulled. In a second, I completely lost sight of the nurse, only vaguely hearing him when he said something with concern.
My legs buckled under me, barely leaving me the time to understand what was happening.
I could only say one thing before it was too late.
“Help me…”
For what seemed to be the last time, I awoke to my new body (NOT MINE!) in Equestria.
Awakening would be a rather flattering and enthusiastic way to described how I found myself splayed all over a wooden floor, with nothing but the repetitive and dull tick-tock of an old cuckoo clock for company.
Rapidly, panic took over my once more equine body. This was the last round. If I gave up now, then he would be freed from his stone prison!
And how big were the chances that he would not make this life a complete HELL? My guess ranged from none to negative fifty.
Senses much sharper than during my narcoleptic break, I glanced around, trying to identify everything about this before it all started to cobble me up like a Pinkie Pie on a Nightmare Night.
…So far so good?
Really, there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary in this place. If this was my house, then it was clean and proper, with a slightly rustic ambiance. The walls and the ceilings shared the same wooden material, as did most of the furniture. A few items gave out a more modern vibe, but they were scarce.
Five or six photographs rested over the fireplace, filling me with unease.
Just another proof that I had no right to be here, in this body. Pushed by a morbid fascination however, my hooves moved on their own, taking me closer to the pictures. My throat constricted with guilt when I understood what they were.
Family pictures. Again.
There were only two ponies in the photos, of vastly different age groups. One middle-aged unicorn stallion, which, judging by the color of his coat and the locks of mane falling in my eyes, was none other than my victim. The second pony almost broke my heart.
She was such a cute little filly…
Coming from a part of me I didn’t know existed – that may actually not be from me too –, feelings of protectiveness grew and festered within my heart. That was probably the exact moment I realized what this was all about.
She was my daughter.
Emotionally stunned, I picked up the old frame with my mouth, not trusting my extremely flimsy mastery of magic with such a delicate task.
Awkwardly, I sat down, gently putting the frame on the floor, between my hooves. As soon as that was done, I properly took in the more subtle details of her appearance.
She was a little slim, under that golden coat of hers, but her eyes were shining more intensely than those of any other pony I met before. She seemed determined, furiously determined even, to make the most of every bit of fun she had. I could easily understand the proud grin the stallion in the picture wore.
Assaulted by another wave of guilt, I quickly grabbed the frame with my hooves, only to stumble and drop it. With a yelp, I lifted the precious item from its reversed position. Thankfully, the frame was sturdier than I supposed and everything stayed intact.
Something caught my eyes though. On the back of the photograph… I could make out lines of ink.
‘Summer Solstice Celebration, Year X034, Lemon Glass and Golden Bud.’
I snorted. The idea of being called ‘Lemon Glass’ had something ironic, really.
On the other hoof, Golden Bud had the prettiest name for the prettiest filly.
‘Oh, listen to me, I’m one of those dads.’ I groaned, though there was no real resentment behind it. This was… nice. My heart would swell just thinking about this little life that depended on me. It wouldn’t be too bad to just…
I closed my eyes, shaking my head.
I couldn’t do it. I wanted to do it so badly, it was like a monster, clawing at my conscience and just pushing me to accept this darn deal already. In the end though, when everything was said and done though, I knew I’d had to spend my whole life afraid of mirrors, lest I have to look at myself in the eyes.
Golden Bud didn’t deserve to have her father taken away from her like this, to be replaced by a stranger. Lemon Glass didn’t deserve to be taken away from his daughter, for the crime of being chosen by Discord.
It always came down to this.
With a sigh, I collected myself, shaking off the monstrous desire and letting go of my anger. Emptying my mind was the most reliable way for me to go on. It was a shame I could not do it more often.
Calmly, I resolved to explore the rest of the house, perhaps to catch a glimpse of my daughter at least once.
I didn’t.
Really, the place wasn’t big enough to take a long time to explore, though I still managed to find her room last. Go figures.
“Golden Bud?” I asked softly, before pushing the last door and peeking through the doorframe.
I received no answer.
However, the scents in the room were much stronger, much more different than those of the rest of the house. My poor nose was assaulted with frightening vigor by girly flowery perfume.
Backtracking had never been done so swiftly.
For freak’s sake on a hot banana!
…The hay did that come from?
…
Now curious about this strong perfumery, I just knew I had to find out what was going on here. So, I turned around and finally put those hind legs to good use by kicking the door open.
What? I didn’t put much strength in it. There simply would be no way I’d try to go there headfirst. This was almost a terrorist attack. Someone would be getting a lecture about perfume bombs when her daddy would get his hooves on her.
Tying up a random piece of cloth in front of my sensible nostrils, which is HELL to accomplish with hooves, I made my way into my daughter’s room.
Even with the additional protection, the powerful scent still brought tears to my eyes. Sweet Celestia… someone ought to teach Golden Bud about balance.
Careful, I trotted up to her desk, avoiding the extreme disorder plaguing this room, bowls and vials of colorful liquids were littering the floor. Some twisted instinct inside me decided to ignore my own lack of discipline in terms of cleaning my messes and lecture that filly sternly as soon as she showed her cute little face here.
Anyway, I took in the details of the room. Reddish pink walls, well-made bed (one point for her), flowers growing on her windowsill and, of course, her desk, covered in paper.
There, in messy writing, I discovered her goal to become a perfume seller, so that the world could smell good, even the kitchen after her daddy had cooked.
The coincidence made me chuckle. Not that I was that bad of a cook, but on the event that I messed up, I messed up good, Sweetie Belle style.
A knocking sound brought me out of my reverie.
Startled, my eyes left Golden Bud’s desk and I waited in silence. Where had this come from? I was fairly sure I hadn’t imagined it…
It came again, in the form of three repeated noise, from the living room. The urge to facehoof almost took over when I realized that this was just somepony at the door.
My brain was definitely not an overachiever these days…
“Coming!” I shouted to my unknown visitor.
Dropping my makeshift mask, I trotted at a fast pace toward the door, making sure not to think too hard on my leg coordination. Last thing I needed right now was to break a leg tripping on nothing…
With my hooves (what magic? I’m a noob), I twisted the doorknobs and swung the door open.
“Hi, how may I…” My words trailed off at the sight of the shining armors. “…help you?” I finished, feeling faint.
This was it. I could feel it in my guts. This was it!
“Are you Mister Lemon Glass?” The first of the two guards asked stoically.
Mind racing and heart pumping cold ice into my veins, I nodded slowly. What kind of living hell was I about to fall into? Was I secretly a drug lord corrupting the pony world? What about evil sorcerer? No, that would be like giving me importance. Hell forbids Discord does that… Hired goon? Late return of a borrowed book at the library? Tax fraud evasion accusation? That one was always a winner.
Oh, you have no idea how naïve I felt when the guards pronounced just a few words.
My head felt light, as if the world had stopped making sense. I almost fell over, subject to a mind crushing vertigo.
He had said: “It’s about your daughter.”
I stayed completely silent.
The second guard took that as a sign to elaborate, even as I mentally screamed for him to shut up.
“She was found in an alley near her school.” Shut up… SHUT UP! “Her teacher said she ran off when she didn’t see you arrive.”
“You have our sincerest sympathy, sir.”
My legs gave out under me. An invisible force had just punched me in the guts, forcing all air out. I could no longer breathe. Eyes wide, I could only lie down, like a broken puppet. Nothing had ever hit me so hard before.
T-this had to be a nightmare! THIS HAD TO BE A NIGHTMARE!
The guards were already by my side, trying to get a reaction out of me, nudging my sides and checking out for vital signs.
They could go die.
This was just a joke. A bad joke.
Right then, the worst possible being thought appropriate to jump in on the abuse bandwagon.
‘You don’t like my sense of humor?’ Discord’s voice filled my head.
My heart started burning. Every single ounce of my being was redirected toward him and him alone.
I hated him. I wanted him to die, crushed to death under hot volcanic boulders, torn apart by Timberwolves, launched into the sun and staying there conscious for all Eternity, trapped in an inescapable hell where he’d slowly rot alive, rendered powerless and forced to live as the chew toy of the Universe, assimilate into a machine and being nothing more than a numerical data to be corrected or erased. I wanted him to suffer and DIE!
‘Aren’t you just adorable when you’re equinicidal?’ He laughed.
My vision turned red and blurred.
Literally, as a moment of disorientation caused me to stop with a vague feeling of nausea. The beginning of a headache pressured the sides of my head for a brief second, before my vision cleared up.
I froze.
Right before my eyes, mounted on the guards’ body, Discord’s face was condescendingly smirking at me.
I never stopped to imagine what a pony roaring would sound like. Neither did I ever think I would be the pony doing it, but I did.
It was all lost on me as I launched myself at Discord and socked him in the face.
Cold.
Pain.
Darkness.
I awoke to these sensations permeating my coat, my flesh, my bones.
Bandages covered my shoulder and my right front leg, the latter still dripping blood. Hard and cold pressure restrained my hooves and my horn, though why they bothered with that last one was lost on me. I was a unicorn with no idea how to use magic.
I was a human in a pony’s body.
I was a father with a dead child.
I was a monster rightfully imprisoned in a cell.
No genius was needed to figure this one out. I did not remember the fight, but there was a lingering taste of iron in my mouth. Blood, from whom? The guards, me, who knew? Who cared?
With nothing but stone walls to keep me company, I really did not care. If I dropped dead suddenly, it would probably be a relief. Discord wasn’t a necromancer, was he?
Speaking of which…
I had a score to settle with the motherfucker.
“DISCORD!” I shouted, blood boiling in my veins.
A flash of light later and I was snarling, biting, grunting in pure rage, only restrained by the chains on my hooves.
‘Anypony ever told you that you are outright cacophonic, my dear boy?’ The spirit gave me a flat look. ‘I know my jokes are very funny, but control yourself.’
“THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE?!”
I knew that, I knew it already, but my rational mind was completely silent in comparison to my emotions, to my instincts and my morals.
‘What? Didn’t get the punch line?’ He teased, floating around obnoxiously.
“GET BACK HERE!” I shouted, furiously stomping and reaching for him with my hooves.
A sinister grin slowly appeared on the Draconequus’ face. ‘And what if I do? What are you going to do? Buck my sides in?’ With a chuckle, Discord closed in on me, just outside of my range, his body stretched in a twisted position. ‘After all you went through, you still don’t understand how insignificant you are? You will never leave a lasting scar on me, let alone a lasting impression. Why bother?’
…
He had a point. No matter what, I doubted I could actually kill him when he was most likely just a presence in my mind anyway.
I couldn’t even avenge Golden Bud…
That fact created a void within me. Everything I felt... vanished.
After taking a deep breath, I let my muscles relax, slowly being forced back into a sitting position by my restraints. The pain of my injuries made themselves known again, now that the adrenaline and the anger had started to subdue.
‘Now, don’t you feel better being reasonable?’ Discord approved, raising a thumb up at a job well done.
Unbelievable, the bastard was congratulating himself on breaking me.
‘So… what choice are you going to make after all?’ He pulled a hearing horn out of nowhere and placed it against his ear, the narrower part facing me.
‘As if you don’t know that…’ I looked away, bitterness gripping my heart.
‘Why, thank you.’ Discord bowed, sounding extremely pleased with himself.
Fed up with this crap, I found the strength to send an absolutely sincere death glare his way.
“You shouldn’t take this as a compliment, you know.” My expression had fallen into a neutral unexpressive blank. “You’re the one that said I came from a chaotic world, Pretender.”
‘Now wait just a second, boy.’ The draconequus raised a claw, asking for silence, though it was perfectly useless to a mind reader I supposed. ‘Earth might be more chaotic than this world, but that doesn’t mean y-’
“I’ve grown up in a world without anyone responsible for nature. I know chaos when I see it and you’re not on my list.” For some reason, at the moment, I would inwardly be completely at peace, if not for that vague disdain I felt toward Discord. “Poser.”
Now the draconequus was starting to look angry. Gone was the false debonair air he tried to give off. It was just a mad god getting… mad.
‘Be careful with that pretty little tongue of yours, boy. You wouldn’t want to say something you’ll regret.’
I almost burst out laughing right then. By the look on his face, he knew it too.
“Why would I regret it? You think I’m scared? I’ve gone through the grinder, not a damn to be given anymore, too late for that.” I snorted with derision. “Oh right, because you’d be a poser and pretend to be chaos.”
‘I am giving you a fair warning, boy…’
“Skip the crap. Provoke an earthquake and make this place crumble all over me already.” I rolled my eyes, raising a front leg in the air and mimicking the motion of the ceiling falling down. “But honestly, that will not change the truth. I’ve seen through your game of ‘make believe’, D.”
‘You little…’
“What? There’s a reason nobody likes you, Discord.” I dropped down on my knees, grinning madly. “And it’s not because the whole world lacks a sense of humor. It’s because you’re an unlikeable evil monster that likes to pretend he represents Chaos.”
Before I could make my next statement, I was suspended in midair by an invisible force, right at the level of Discord’s seething face. He looked just about ready to start foaming. ‘I AM Chaos and Disharmony, you insolent little man!’
Unfazed, I wiped my cheek of his spit with disgust. “You’re just pure evil, Discord, that’s all. You get a sick kick out of seeing living beings suffer, that’s all there is to it and that’s not chaotic. That’s borderline orderly.”
Seeing the draconequus with steam flying out of his ears at high speed should have been scary, but I only laughed.
“Cliché on top of everything? Gee, D. Recycle your act a little.”
His voice dropped several octaves, his eyes went completely black and his fangs seemed to catch on fire. ‘HOW’S THIS?!’
Would you believe I cracked up? Seriously, this was hilarious.
“Yeah, yeah, D. I get that you don’t like being a has-been as much as the next guy, but Chaos is not your thing. Chaos is all about doing the unexpected. It’s making someone trip on the sidewalk, then giving them a five thousand dollars check. It’s looking at two undesirable options and choosing to eat cake. It’s looking at a series of standing dominoes and not tipping them off.”
‘DON’T PRESUME TO KNOW ME, CHILD!’
“That’s the problem, D.” I smirked. “I know what you’re going to do. It’s going to be horrible. That’s predictable.”
My face met the ground. Painfully.
I certainly hadn’t expected to be dropped so suddenly. I figured he would try to squeeze the life out of me.
When I looked up, I was treated to the sight of a speechless Discord.
“You’re just evil. Face it. Chaos? Not your thing. You deserved to spend a thousand years stuck in a stone statue and so much worse.”
His eyes, back to their normal yellow state, narrowed at me, his focus having returned.
‘Now you are ju-’
“What’s wrong, D? Don’t like the truth?” I tilted my head to the side, wearing an absolutely glorious shit-eating grin. “…A lie… would be easier to take?”
His eyes nearly flew out of their orbits at that.
A beastly cry of triumph grew in my guts. Finally, watching the show had paid off, for once. With serious interest.
I wanted this. I wanted more of this.
Laugher erupted in my mind, when I was hit by just what I needed to send him flying over the edge.
Discord’s face contorted with rage. Mind reading wasn’t such a nice thing anymore, was it?
“What’s wrong, D? Everyone’s always laughing at you,” I stated as a matter of fact, chuckling. “Why aren’t you laughing?”
Aaaaaand he had now crossed into complete rage breaking point. He was shaking with anger.
“I’d say ‘you’ve been kind far too long, time to be cruel’, just to rub it in, but really, you’ve already done that more than enough, Poser.”
I didn’t see it coming. It happened way too fast.
Pain erupted in my back, spreading in an instant to the rest of my body, as a wave of suffering. My poor battered body was almost embedded into the solid stone wall of my cell.
I could feel blood bubbling up my throat.
The draconequus loomed over me, eyes glowing with power. ‘Do not think that it will end this easily, you miserable little worm.’
My lips twitched upward and I chuckled, even as it sent new waves of pain in my ribs.
“Hey, D. Here’s something else I won’t regret saying…” I took his death glare head on with the most arrogant grin I could muster. “UNCLE!”
The first thing I noticed was my incapacity to speak. It simply hit me like a truck when I did not gasp in an over-the-top way as soon as I was sent back on Earth.
The second was the fact that I was still in Equestria. The cutesy flashy colors of a garden were sprayed in front of me, so it wasn’t hard to deduce.
Now this was an intriguing thought.
The fog of unconsciousness fading, my first reaction was to stretch only for it to appear impossible.
Instinctively, I tried to blink the stupor away, but this new task proved impossible to execute as well.
The light started to delve on me, as more tests with my – upright, I realized – body went wrong. Not long after those, I recognized a tall structure not too far away on the horizon: Canterlot’s Castle.
With growing horror, I realized my skin was harder than it should be… much harder.
‘So, do you like the bonus round I threw at you, boy?’ Discord’s voice echoed around me. ‘I was originally going to send you back on Earth and let you live the rest of your miserable existence with the knowledge of what you could have had, but I changed my mind. Since you seemed to know me so well and wanted to know me better, I figured I’d let you experience the same thing I did.’
Anger flaring in my chest, I turned my attention to him, ignoring my predicament without a care in the world.
‘Reusing somepony else’s idea? That’s your idea of a good payback?’ I mentally rolled my eyes.
‘I believe you’ll come to appreciate the irony of suffering the fate I was condemned to.’ He shrugged, his obnoxiously calm behavior having returned. ‘Not to mention I added a little twist.’
‘I can’t wait to find out.’
‘Really?!’ He shrieked enthusiastically. ‘Then I must tell you all about it!’
I was suddenly visited by a deep lack of damn to give to anything in the world. Listening to that guy was just painful.
‘Time is distorted!’
Well, crap in a nugget basket.
‘Yes, to give you proper time to contemplate all about your new existence as a human mind stuck in a fake statue of me, I twisted your perception of time so it slows down when you’re all alone.’
As if I didn’t have enough of that already…
‘Don’t worry, this place is very calm. Hardly anypony ever visits. You won’t be disturbed.’ He assured me with a paternal tone. Why, I would almost believe his concern was sincere if not for… EVERYTHING about him. ‘Enjoy your Eternity, boy.’
With that, his presence disappeared completely.
There was not a trace left of him. After so much time having the bastard lurk in a corner of my mind, I could tell he was truly and well gone.
I was all alone in the gardens.
As Discord’s statue.
With nothing, and I do mean literally nothing, else to do, I pictured his face when I told him off.