“So what exactly is the mission?” Rainbow Dash inquired as she, Luna, and Celestia walked to the green room.
“You are to find and capture a high profile target. She has been gone for years, and has resurfaced,” Luna replied.
Rainbow Dash furrowed her brow. “What is her danger status?”
“Black.”
Rainbow gave a low whistle. “Interesting. I’ve never seen a pony labeled as Black before. What did she do?
Luna and Celestia exchanged a worried look for a moment. After a pause, Celestia spoke.
“Do you know who Twilight Sparkle is?” Celestia asked.
Dash thought for a few moments. “No... Doesn't ring a bell. Why? Who is she?”
Luna spoke up. “15 years ago there was a young filly who was a... problemed unicorn. She had little control over her magic, and she often had moments where her horn would come to life and begin shooting random spells. We had the best teachers and doctors try to help her, but it was for naught. Celestia herself tried to help the filly, but still nothing worked.” She glared at the floor as they walked, refusing to meet anypony’s eyes.
“The other fillies would make fun of her and wouldn't let her play with them. She went into a depression and refused to leave her home. Her only friend was her brother, Captain Armor, and even he was rapidly losing faith.
“One day she finally left home, but according to her family, she was different. She was happy and aloof, and she seemed not to care about her problem. We were told she had left her home. Nothing else is known about what happened later that day, except that there was a massive magical energy explosion.
“When the guard arrived at the scene, a local playground for young ones, the place had been decimated. The blast was so powerful the sand had been turned to glass. We still don’t know exactly what happened, but apparently, she had been followed by the bullies again.
“A few of the fillies were killed, and the rest were in severe injury and shock. They were put in hospitals until their minds and bodies had healed. Twilight was allegedly seen fleeing the scene, and she was never seen or heard from after that. No one ever knew what had happened to her, so she was assumed to be dead.” Luna stopped, her face a mask of sadness and despair.
Celestia continued where Luna left off. “When one of the children awoke, he told us what happened. He said they had chased her to the playground, and from what we were told, Twilight led them to the playground and turned to face them with a look of pure insanity. Her magic exploded out and the bullies were hit by the wave of magic.”
“But how did you know all of this? Were you there?”
Luna gave a solemn look. “These were mostly witness accounts and explanations from her family.”
Dash sat down, her eyes wide. “Wow... That poor girl. She's not a murderer, she's just damaged.”
“That's why we brought you in, Commander Dash. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to bring her back, and hopefully convince her peacefully.
Rainbow Dash’s brow furrowed again as she considered the operation, then spoke, “I accept the mission.”
~~~~~~~~
Back in the green room, Celestia, Luna, and Rainbow Dash were looking over maps of the north lands.
“She was spotted here just a few days ago,” Luna described, pointing to an area on the map. “There were multiple deaths and injuries before she fled the scene. She has not been seen since.”
“Was she on foot?” Dash asked
“We believe so, but we’re unsure as the only time she was seen was in the bar,” Celestia replied.
“What about the weapons she used? What were they?”
Luna paused for a moment. “From the report we were given, she had no visible weapons. The survivors told us that she sat there as they were torn to pieces.”
“Was it telekinesis?”
“No... Telekinesis couldn't have cut that finely. The marks and injuries on the dead were blade marks. They were all clean cuts.”
“Could it be Kamataichi?” Celestia asked.
Rainbow Dash looked up in confusion. “What is that?”
Luna and Celestia gave her a quizzical look.
“What?” Rainbow asked defensively
“As a pegasus, we assumed you would know what that was,” Celestia retorted.
“Well, as much as I hate to admit it, I don't know everything. So what exactly is it?”
Luna replied, “It means ‘cutting wind’. It is the power to move wind in such a fine line that it can cut.”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “That's a possibility. What was her attitude like?”
It was Luna's turn to look confused. “Why do you need to know that?”
“By knowing their attitude and the way they react in situations, I can get an idea for their next move. If they get angry or move quickly to act, they are probably in a hurry, but if they stay calm and carefully choose their actions, they will take their time. From what you said about her relaxing while the others were killed, I can assume that she doesn't doubt her strength. She is probably very powerful, and she knows it.
Celestia was mildly surprised, but Luna was indifferent. Luna simply praised Rainbow with the words, “That's why you’re my best.”
Rainbow gave a cocky smile before turning back to the map. “What is the closest town to the one she was seen in?”
“Twenty seven miles,” came the reply
“How many days has it been?”
“Two.”
Rainbow Dash frowned. “That's no good then. She will have moved past that by now. What's the next one?”
Luna looked down the map, and identified another city. “Thirty four miles.”
Dash stood up straighter. “I'm leaving now.”
Luna quickly looked up to see Dash leaving the room. “Commander, where are you going?”
“If I leave now, I can make it there in time to stop her,” Dash called back.
Luna ran after her. “Fine, but first I have something for you. Follow me.”
Dash followed Luna into the armory. Pieces of armor covered one wall, while weapons covered the adjacent wall. At the end of the room was a pair of large metal doors with a small hole, just large enough for a horn to fit into.
Luna slipped her horn into the hole, and the door glowed for a moment before opening. Inside were see-through pieces of armor, as if they were made out of glass.
Using her magic, Luna carried the pieces and placed them in front of Dash.
“This is a new stealth armor I have been working on. Since you are going on this mission, I wanted you to try it out.”
Dash slipped on each piece of the armor. When she was finished, the armor turned black and violet with Luna’s symbol, the crescent moon, on the breast plate and helmet.
“I...I don't know what to say, Princess,” she gasped in awe.
Luna smiled. “Just say thank you. The armor will blend in with the background, and it's stronger than steel.”
“Thank you, Princess. This means a lot to me.” She turned to leave and began walking out.
“Commander Dash?” Luna called, one last time.
Rainbow turned to look at her superior and mentor.
Luna gave her a warm smile. “Good luck.”
Rainbow saluted the princess. “Thank you, your majesty,” she responded, before taking off from the ground.
Excellent chapter and can't wait till the next.
Till next time, fellow writer.
What will happen next. I have a few ideas on it. Update soon.
This AU Twilight's starting to remind me of Lucy from Elfen Lied. even her backstory seems similar. Should be interesting to see how she interacts with Rainbow.
WOO NEW CHAPTER!! I love this story
If this confrontation goes south and Rainbow tries to subdue Twilight..... Then she hasn't got a prayer. Even at supersonic speeds (which might be a little hard to achieve whilst wearing armour. ), Twilight has her magical shields as a last resort defense. Hell, she was capable of conjuring a shield that even stopped Discord's magic.... i.e. A god.
Rainbow, you're in WAY over your head.
....And I don't care. Go Twilight!
oh, now this is a fight i'm interested in seeing. even if it only lasts a few seconds before twilight kicks rainbow's ass into orbit.
I always wanted to see Twilight slaughtering an army, ok she will probably just serious injury Dash but it's still cool i want her array of spell maybe some fire or shadow manipulation
now this fic making me think of Celestia crying:"you were the chosen one "
go rainbow show that magic wielding freak who is boss
1967029 There is such a thing as too many emoticons, you know...
please write more! i need to know what happens next!
Write longer chapters!
You can't just leave it like that!
I need to know what happens!!!!
Good to see this again, here's my list of suggestions in no particular order:
1. Longer chapters: No one will ever complain about having a chapter that doesn't end on a cliffhanger.
2. Grammar: You've been doing well about this but there are still a few minor mistakes hidden in there.
3. Plot and Pacing: This is the last thing but possibly the most important, you're trying to avoid the stereotypical op bad-ass but all that we've seen so far has been what she is going to be up against. If you want to give a sens of what is truly going on in Twilight's mind then dont focus on the fight so much as WHY she's doing what she's doing. Her back story at this point is a little iffy, it might make more sense to have instead of her magic being totally random, have it be dramatically effected by her emotions, that would give a better reasoning as to why the bullying had been so traumatic on her.
Hoping to see more
1967797 aw no what did I miss
Could you point them out, please?
1968266
would try harder but i'm too tired, talk to me in 8 hrs
Even though this isn't going to happen given the nature of the story, I still can't help but imagine a Wile E. Coyote like scenario of Dash trying to capture Twilight only for it to backfire comedically on her.
1967074
I hyaven't thought about E.L. In forever. Pretty good anime. I just wish they would finish it. I never considered the similarities. Good job
1967744
My first chapter were a little short, but the up coming ones are longer. For some reason I can't write a 2000 word or more chapter
1967797
1: Incorrect. My editor suggested it.
2: I have a very good editor, send what he missed and I will correct them myself.
3: Just give it a few chapter. Trust me
1968439
Ummmmm no. I'm not going for a lot of comedy in this story. I might throw in a joke every once in a while, but still... no
1968300 Nah, there's not supposed to be a end-quotation there. Luna's still talking through the entire four paragraphs, so the end quote isn't needed.
The start quote is still needed at the start of each paragraph, though, which I added.
1969128 Well I tend to like cliffhangers... I know there are many readers out there who're fine without a cliffhanger, but for me..
1969313
I feel ya. Cliffhangers make it more exciting, and make the next episode even better.
Ohhh stealth armor, new twist in things. sadly a pro-type but still non the less.
Cliff hangers. ylou hate them but you can't help but like them. They end the story with you felling like you are going to explode but when you do finally read the next chapter, it is all the more rewarding. I do the same with my story as well. Fall of the Rainbow Factory.
1969810
Sounds interestin. Send it to me once it's posted
1969890 it is already up, you may have to turn on view mature
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/68974/the-fall-of-the-rainbow-factory
you can also find it by going to my channel. It is the only story I have so far
but I really like to get comments on how I did and what I can improve upon. (first chapter is a little less on flow, but I do get better afterwards)
1969987
I see. I'll look into it
1970034 thanks
1969128 While I'm ambivalent to cliffhangers, 1200 words is too short for a chapter (with some exceptions). I think the ideal chapter length is anywhere between 3 and 8 thousand.
1970075
Yea... No. I 'm not that good, but the next chapters are longer and have more detail. Sorry. I just don't write the same as others
1970090 Well that's no fun. Oh well.
A pretty nice chapter, even if it's a little short.
The phrasing of this is a little odd to me. I'm assuming it's supposed to be a ponified version of "Problem child", correct ?
I'd suggest removing the 'ed' from 'problemed'.
There was also the bit describing the aftermath of what happened at the playground.
It said that a few of the fillies were killed, and that one of the survivors, a male, informed the princesses about what happened.
While there's nothing wrong with this part, it implies that only ones killed were female, and that all of the males witnessing the scene survived.
Again, nothing wrong with that if you meant to imply that, but I'd suggest changing 'fillies' to 'foals' if you'd like to have the possibility of male deaths.
Other than those minor things, I enjoyed this chapter.
I liked the inclusion of the Kamaitachi, even if they're a technique rather than the awesome wind weasels I've come to associate with the name.
1970627
Good point. I keep forgetting tyhat filly is a female term. Thanks and I will correct it.
1970637
No problem.
Ohey, Tavi tag
Now I'm even more intrigued.
1970650
Yes. Tavi is in this story, and will come later
1970659
This pleases me.
1970670
Yay
1970672
Yayception
1970682
We have to deeper...
1970727
1970735
We are going to yay this into the ground aren't we?
1970769
Most likely
I would 'HUZZAH', but there is no Luna
1970779
1970784
Next update hopefully.
Along with more moustaches
1969313 Okay, my bad, that's what I get for reading at 1AM
weird.... luna seems to be smarter, more equipped, and.... well everything!
2002593>
See comment 47
It will explain
Great sp far but why DOES IT HAVE TO BE RAINBOW DASH WHY NOT A master of disguse >:C
The first two chapters are written like a movie, it's not a bad thing just something I observed.
2581774
Mfw it’s not turtle man
Black is the most dangerous