Marcus 657

by John 117

Chapter 3- A Worried Pony

"Emilia!" Marcus woke with a start, breathing heavily and hacking up a storm. He coughed up some blood and spat it out, not realizing where he was. He wiped off his mouth and looked around at his surroundings. They could only be described as being like a small cottage in the twentieth century style. This is not human; too small and outdated. And most defiantly not Covenant, Marcus thought to himself. He got up off of the floor and noticed the dropped blanket and the pillow next to it. Whoever they are, they’re very kind. He remembered some blurred images from when he had woken up earlier. Damn thing looked like a….horse? Well whatever it was, it was gone now. Marcus started to look more at his surroundings, wondering where the owner of this small house was and what they were doing

That wasn’t enough to distract him from his injuries, now that he was fully conscious. “Aw, dammit, my head!” Marcus groaned out loud. His head felt as if it had been hit by a gravity hammer. His eyes saw the familiar yellow-white glow of electric lighting. He reached up to take off his helmet and examine his head when he noticed that his helmet was missing. Missing? That couldn’t be right. He held his hand up to his eyes. They were bare! He never took off his armor in the field!

Oh, this is bad. He looked around the small room, and finally found his armor neatly pilled on a small chair next to a door. He got up, but did so slowly. The soldier’s body ached terribly. Oddly enough, the ceilings were high enough to even give him plenty of headroom. Suddenly, he felt something wet and sticky on his shirt. Checking himself under the telnyashka he had on, Marcus found his body wrapped in a number of bandages. Underneath the bandages, his wounds felt as if they had been stitched shut. They even treated my wounds… and not too badly... So far, these people didn't seem hostile, but Marcus couldn’t stay. He had to get out of here to find any other UNSC forces, or at least the remains of his team.
He put his armor back on, starting with the pants, then boots, then cuirass, then gloves, and then lastly his helmet. All but the last part were tough to do; normally techs would help him in and out of the ensemble. Marcus didn’t feel any sense of security until he was finally back in his helmet with the familiar stench of sweat and stale air. He didn’t reactivate his energy shields, sensing no immediate danger. The motion tracker showed no contacts. His hand was shaking again, so he alternately clenched and relaxed it until it stopped. I need to get a grip on that. He-he, grip. The man searched the room for weapons, but all he could find was a single grenade. Super! He slapped his hand against the forehead of his helmet. Well, if the time came, he knew what to do with it: go out with a bang.

“This would be just my luck.” He looked around the room, looking for a weapon of some sort. There was nothing. I’d better get out of here; there’s no time to lose. Double checking his surroundings, Marcus opened the door and walked towards the nearby forest, leaving the door slightly ajar.
________________________________________________________________________________

As Twilight Sparkle trotted down the street towards Fluttershy's house, she couldn't help but worry about the timid pegasus. She was usually afraid of, well, everything, so this must have been brutal on her. Last night before she had gone to sleep, she had Spike send a letter to Princess Celestia about the day's earlier events. She had written back, explaining in no uncertain terms that the thing was to be kept a strict secret and that they must not allow for it to get loose. Those would apply for the time being until she and Princess Luna could come around the next day and settle the matter. Twilight could tell the Princess was scared simply by the humorless, curt, formal nature of her letter. Most telling of all was the fact that her letter had given her so little information about the issue facing them. This worried Twilight, who had seldom seen Princess Celestia, her beloved mentor, being seriously concern about anything. When the princess had been worried, it almost always meant that a deadly threat faced Equestria. Just what was that creature and what was it capable of it if could scare the princess just by showing up all alone barely alive?

She knew this was a big deal; a life form from another universe, planet, or something, was here! It was in Ponyville! She didn't know everything though and that bothered her. All the mare knew was that this was a major discovery, and that it would affect Equestria on a grand scale. Exactly how, though, she did not know either, and Twilight always hated not knowing. As she walked up to Fluttershy's house, she noticed that the door was slightly open and that the lights were still on. Oh no! Twilight rushed into the building looking around for Fluttershy. The creature was nowhere to be seen; it must have walked off into the nearby forest. It had taken its strange hard suit with it.

Nearly in a panic, Twilight searched the bottom half of the house, looking for any sign of Fluttershy. She checked all of her usual hiding places; under the sink, in the pantry, under the table, but she wasn't there. Twilight Sparkle galloped up the stairs, about to look through her room. She tried to open the door, but it was locked. Twilight unlocked it with magic and tried to open the door again, but it wouldn’t budge. Fluttershy must have blocked it. She pushed as hard as she could against the door. She called, “Fluttershy! Are you here?” No response. The unicorn magically sought out whatever was barricading the door and then carefully levitated the blockage aside. Twilight gently entered the room, determined to scare Fluttershy as little as possible. Once inside, she realized that Fluttershy had blocked the door with a dresser, a chair, a lamp, and a pile of books; no wonder it was so tough to get it. She looked around the room for the scared pony. A frightened squeak drew her attention to the close. Opening it, she found her friend curled up into a ball. "Fluttershy, what happened? Where is it? Are you ok?" Twilight asked at once, looking down at her friend for any sort of injury. The pegasus looked up at her, trembling.
"I-it w-woke up, a-and grabbed m-my leg, I-I didn't know what to d-do," she finally stammered out. Twilight pieced together what she could from the rest of Fluttershy story. The creature apparently had woken up, and had asked where he was, and what Fluttershy was. Twilight thought that strange. Didn't they have ponies where ever it came from? It had then fallen back unconscious. “Not too long ago, I heard something moving downstairs. I was too scared to look. I heard some talking and then footstep going out.”

Twilight felt disappointed by Fluttershy. “Fluttershy, you’re supposed to be looking after it. And now that it’s loose, it could get hurt. Or worse, somepony could see it!”

Her friend could only faintly squeal back, “I’m sorry…”

“There’s no time for that now!” Twilight let out an exasperated moan. This isn't happening- this isn't happening! she told herself. She looked out Fluttershy's window, towards the forest, deep in thought. It must have gone into the Everfree.

Twilight looked back at her friend, who was still petrified. Whatever this thing is, it scared her more than anything had before. She helped her friend calm down with much more than just a bit of coaxing and led her downstairs. Twilight had made Fluttershy a cup of tea to help keep her calm. Then suddenly, with another panicked squeak, Fluttershy dove under the table, upsetting her cup and spilling the tea. Twilight Sparkle turned around to see what the disturbance was, only to find Spike leading both Princess Luna and Princess Celestia into the cottage.

Comments

[BronzeFog]

Is it wrong to sleep with a frag under my pillow?

[John 117]

1796539 Not at all, especially if you're a Spartan.

[BronzeFog]

1796633 But...I'm CIA....does that count?

[John 117]

1796688 Yup

[John 117]

1796688 and i don't think your allowed to tell me that

[BronzeFog]

1796712 I'm allowed...just no details

[John 117]

1796731 Got it. Never met a guy from the CIA

[BronzeFog]

1796751 Girl

[John 117]

Oh, sorry. Didn't realize

[Corporal Lyra]

1796770Do you sleep with a pistol to?

[kalash93]

Review for Chapter 3

A door can never be agape! A door can never be agape! A door can never be agape! A door can never be agape! A door can never be agape!
A door can only ever be ajar! A door can only ever be ajar! A door can only ever be ajar! A door can only ever be ajar! A door can only ever be ajar!

Ugh! You were doing so well. This chapter was far too short. It may as well have been folded in with either the previous or the subsequent chapter. Again, I'm not getting any kind of tension or buildup from this. It would have made for better drama if you did not include Marcus's perspective and simply had him vanish into thin air. Now that the audience knows more than the characters, we're sitting around and waiting for them to catch up. This is never a good thing, unless you are setting up one epic twist. The extremely short length combined with what feels like another cheap attempt to create drama made this chapter weak. You aren't building anything at all. Things are just happening in your story without much rhyme or reason! There's only minimal logic behind anything, the nonstop furious drama has finally spent itself into apathy, and it's impossible to get into the story because every time I try, there's a POV shift or a section break or a chapter end!

A bit of Marcus's part was funny. He wakes up, finding himself healed in a place neither human nor covenant. What does he do? Cuss, suddenly forget that he had just concluded that he was in neither human nor covenant custody, and then walk out the front door!

I suggest that you pick a point of view and stick with it. If you are going to use more than one viewpoint character, then you must spend enough time with them to make it meaningful. Always make it obvious who your viewpoint character is; always use section breaks if you change in the middle of a chapter. This holds especially true for first person. I remember reading a Left 4 Dead fanfiction several years ago that was written in first person with huge cast of characters, a lot of interconnecting plot threads, many viewpoint characters, characters who were very similar in both name and personality, no obvious transitions between viewpoint characters, and several perspective changes per chapter. I gave up on reading it about the point when I realized that I had easily been shoved into more than dozen times into several different viewpoint characters in the space of three chapters, and I had no idea what had been going on past the quarter mark of the story. I advise that you learn from their mistakes and get the story under control before I make a drinking game out of all the WTF moments and completely forgettable plot points. You can do much better. I've seen you do it. You get 2/5 flutteryays.

[Lunar 457]

is it wrong to uhh how should I put this ummm is it wrong to be able to put a scorpion main battle tank under you pillow and see I am a spartan

[Salutary]

O fuck it's the po po

[damnaion]

4# dan dan dan

[Muet]

3899581 Y-you're picture what is that!?

[The Crimson Reaper]

5449519 Tis the season for a furry, Falalalala, lalalala~
P.S.: I dont hate furries! :D YAY FURRIES!