Took a lot longer than I hoped it would. This was kinda ready before the holidays, but had to be pushed forward for "various reasons". Hope you enjoy, and once again give me your honest opinion on what you like/dislike and if you find any errors in the writing. Also, if you do catch typos or stuff like that, please put them in a PM for me. Easier to use and won't clutter the comments section.
Pretty good, although the bit with the maids was a bit over the top. I would have kicked them out much faster than Shining did. I don't think Parcel will have much trouble with keeping his mouth shut, lol.
It's not often one can weave in the mature themes with an actual story. It feels more natural, like the story isn't just an excuse for cloppy bellyslapping good time. After the wedding though, I imagine even within the show Shining Armor would have nightmares like the one described in this chapter.
Seriously, I can't get through a chapter of this without cracking up at least twice. Also, those two maids put me in mind of a Monty Python skit, which just made that whole scenario even funnier.
Shining Armor slowly eased himself into bed next to his wife.
"Good night," she giggled, planting a kiss somewhere on the side of his face. He wasn't paying attention.
He did not say "Good Night" back. There wasn't enough unused space in his brain to compose romantic platitudes. For you see, Shining Armor was thinking. He had been thinking all that day and ever since he got home about one thing and one thing only.
After an awkwardly silent few minutes, he finally said something.
"I'm going to murder everypony in this castle."
"Oh, really," said Cadance, amused.
"Yes," he said. "I've got it all planned out. First the two maids. Strychnine in the mop water. Then Private Nougat, who implied he overheard them today. Fake gas leak accident. Eventually Luna will have to be eliminated, probably with a shaped Pontonium charge I'm having buried underneath her bedroom next week..."
And so on. With only his wife (who was sure he was joking) to hear him, Shining Armor outlined what would become the greatest act of revenge/mass-murder in the history of Equestria.
1863871 That is possibly the second most diabolical plot in the entire universe, the first being a group called the Wizards of The Coast plotting to take over the world with an incredibly addicting and enslavering game called Magic : The Gathering
When I first went into this story I was a little cagey at first.
Namely because I make it a point to not read clop or sex tagged stories (It just doesn't sit right with me, I respect the people who do like it, it's just not for me.) But yours seemed to suggest a reasonable premise, Just on the more sexual side is all.
But Y'know what? I like this story, because it's focus isn't around clop. It actually has a very real plot-line of Shining Armor trying to deal with his sexual frustrations. And I'll admit, you got me cracking up on three seperate occasions when the maids came in. Holy Moly was that well executed (Just when you think they were done, they had a whole barrage of play on words already lining up!)
You made it so over the top that it breaks away from uncomfortable and actually starts becoming hilarious.
Really. Don't stop what your doing with this story. I have no idea how you got me to like a mature rated sex tagged story, but you did. (I'm just gonna have to skim the more saucy parts).
The maids were hilarious. I just have 1 qualm with them......WHY WOULD YOU GOSSIP ABOUT THE NIGHTLY AFFAIRS OF THE CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD, AND CELESTIA AND LUNA'S NIECE, THE PRINCESS OF LOVE, WHEN THEY ARE A FEW FEET IN FRONT OF YOU, WITHIN EAR SHOT, AND IN THE SAME DANG ROOM?!
1865802 Well, if you're gossiping it's better to do it to their face. But Cadence should have been a bit more considerate of Shiny. And not send him away when he wants to shower with her, but rather kicked the Maids out.
Yeah...so you lost me at the maids. The bit went on so damn long and just 180ed the tone so hard I got whiplash. It got a little better with Parcel, but still a very weak second half.
The maid bit hit at the wrong time and then went on too long to boot. First I was like: Then, for a few seconds, I was like: Then I was like: And finally:
To many serious moments with troll funny moments. Troll funny is the natural enemy of serious and tend to react badly.
1867370 Don't really get it in context given. 1866078 Not sure if hating... or trolling.
I know what both of you mean. It was a bit too long, and maybe went a little over the top. But it was also quite funny, and established two of the antagonists in the story so I wanted to give them enough time in the limelights. And also to make the reader feel the irritation that Shiny is going through. Maybe I didn't do it well enough, but at least that was what I was going for.
1874227 It's not. Maybe you accidentally clicked one of the options at the top right corner of the story screen? It's the new layout that might be behind it you see.
I thoroughly enjoyed watching Shining get put through the ringer by the various staff and residents of the castle, please don't change a thing. Also, the last line was positively delightful!
1874888 I'm not going to change this chapter more than maybe fixing typos/grammar. But if/when (oh fuck let's be honest, when) the maids make a return, I might have to tone it down a bit.
1876447 I tried myself. Apparently there is no option to turn text into boldface. You can change size, font, background colour and stuff, but not that.
Did you check your browser's options? Most if not all of them have a default setting for which font and style to use that might override the site settings. Check it out?
Don't have any other ideas. Maybe ask around, or if all else fails, ask knighty.
Took a lot longer than I hoped it would. This was kinda ready before the holidays, but had to be pushed forward for "various reasons". Hope you enjoy, and once again give me your honest opinion on what you like/dislike and if you find any errors in the writing. Also, if you do catch typos or stuff like that, please put them in a PM for me. Easier to use and won't clutter the comments section.
Pretty good, although the bit with the maids was a bit over the top. I would have kicked them out much faster than Shining did. I don't think Parcel will have much trouble with keeping his mouth shut, lol.
I am going to read this over and over and over until thou post next chapter...and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
Oh god this is mind blowingly hilarious.
1862894 There might be more to it all. I guarantee.
Also, to my great grief, that pair of maids was lovingly crafted together with ChuckFinley, because I couldn't make them English enough.
Why did those two old maids remind me of this?
Another silly, sexy chapter, well done!
Dem maids.
Hold on, this is Twilight's brother we're talking about, here. He loves paperwork!
1862971
Such a scandal!
Very funny chapter, I really enjoy this story, and so far it's an excellent mix of clop, comedy, and an interesting story. Keep up the great work!
1863023 Wonder why. The thought never even crossed my mind.
Not bad, although i miss the filly fooler referencing
Shining Armor gonna stage a war just to rile ponies up to cover up his impotence with cadence?
It's not often one can weave in the mature themes with an actual story. It feels more natural, like the story isn't just an excuse for cloppy bellyslapping good time. After the wedding though, I imagine even within the show Shining Armor would have nightmares like the one described in this chapter.
Seriously, I can't get through a chapter of this without cracking up at least twice. Also, those two maids put me in mind of a Monty Python skit, which just made that whole scenario even funnier.
'Cadance gyrates her whole hindguarters around the stallion's legs' - Hindquarters
'He sits, resting his hand on his forehooves.' - Head
This was great love the miads going back and forth had me nearly crying with laughter
And Armor bit of wisdom NEVER say something that can come true (NO PUN INTENDED!)
Like brother like sister.
1862971
Chuck Finley, or Chuck Jones? I detected a hint of Mac 'n' Tosh in there, I thought.....
1863604 Yes. Definitely yes.
1863473 Monty Python... or The Fast Show?
This...is pure comedic gold.
Dammit Shining Armor, talk to your wife!
I admit, I'm not married but I hope that if I were, I'd be able to at least talk to my spouse about what's bothering me... sheesh.
1863860
Rule 1, never talk to your wife about anything. No good will come of it.
1863871 That is possibly the second most diabolical plot in the entire universe, the first being a group called the Wizards of The Coast plotting to take over the world with an incredibly addicting and enslavering game called Magic : The Gathering
hahahhahaha...
When I first went into this story I was a little cagey at first.
Namely because I make it a point to not read clop or sex tagged stories (It just doesn't sit right with me, I respect the people who do like it, it's just not for me.) But yours seemed to suggest a reasonable premise, Just on the more sexual side is all.
But Y'know what? I like this story, because it's focus isn't around clop. It actually has a very real plot-line of Shining Armor trying to deal with his sexual frustrations. And I'll admit, you got me cracking up on three seperate occasions when the maids came in. Holy Moly was that well executed (Just when you think they were done, they had a whole barrage of play on words already lining up!)
You made it so over the top that it breaks away from uncomfortable and actually starts becoming hilarious.
Really. Don't stop what your doing with this story. I have no idea how you got me to like a mature rated sex tagged story, but you did. (I'm just gonna have to skim the more saucy parts).
Poor Shining...going to have to get over it at some point.
The maids were hilarious. I just have 1 qualm with them......WHY WOULD YOU GOSSIP ABOUT THE NIGHTLY AFFAIRS OF THE CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD, AND CELESTIA AND LUNA'S NIECE, THE PRINCESS OF LOVE, WHEN THEY ARE A FEW FEET IN FRONT OF YOU, WITHIN EAR SHOT, AND IN THE SAME DANG ROOM?!
I think I broke my lungs. I just couldn't stop laughing.
1865382 Because, my good sir/madam, they're Trottinghamish.
1865802 Well, if you're gossiping it's better to do it to their face. But Cadence should have been a bit more considerate of Shiny. And not send him away when he wants to shower with her, but rather kicked the Maids out.
1863133
Well, it would be very... American of him.
Oh those maids. It's like Colon & Nobby got training from Willykins.
1867090 Did you feel how I channeled Sam Vimes into Shining Armor? I noticed it after I'd written his dialogue for this and the next chapter.
1867234
Absolutely, you've been doing it from the start. I assumed it was intentional actually
1866078
He's Equestrian first, Canadian second.
1867234 Pratchett!
I normally don't read clop, but this is fantastic. Wonderful, even.
It was very, very funny, and the lead-up to the nightmare--and the nightmare itself--were very well done. I really felt for poor Shining.
Yeah...so you lost me at the maids. The bit went on so damn long and just 180ed the tone so hard I got whiplash. It got a little better with Parcel, but still a very weak second half.
The maid bit hit at the wrong time and then went on too long to boot.
First I was like:
Then, for a few seconds, I was like:
Then I was like:
And finally:
To many serious moments with troll funny moments. Troll funny is the natural enemy of serious and tend to react badly.
1867370
Don't really get it in context given.
1866078
Not sure if hating... or trolling.
1869900 1870222
I know what both of you mean. It was a bit too long, and maybe went a little over the top. But it was also quite funny, and established two of the antagonists in the story so I wanted to give them enough time in the limelights. And also to make the reader feel the irritation that Shiny is going through. Maybe I didn't do it well enough, but at least that was what I was going for.
1870400
Oh... so remember those two then for later...
Also: (Self-Proclaimed) Pro tip: Annoyance is one feeling you DON'T want your audience to feel. Irritation maybe, but not simple annoyance.
In this case:
Annoyance = Boredom + Anger
Irritation = Anticipation + Anger
Why is it all in bold?
1874227 It's not. Maybe you accidentally clicked one of the options at the top right corner of the story screen? It's the new layout that might be behind it you see.
I thoroughly enjoyed watching Shining get put through the ringer by the various staff and residents of the castle, please don't change a thing. Also, the last line was positively delightful!
Usually I avoid clop like the plague, but when it's hilarious with an actual story I can make an exception. You've got a great story here.
1874778It must be the new lay out because I haven't read anything since the site update and this was the first.
1875704 Did you manage to change it back to normal?
1874888 I'm not going to change this chapter more than maybe fixing typos/grammar. But if/when (oh fuck let's be honest, when) the maids make a return, I might have to tone it down a bit.
Or kick it up to eleven.
1875858 No, you can do that?
1876447 I tried myself. Apparently there is no option to turn text into boldface. You can change size, font, background colour and stuff, but not that.
Did you check your browser's options? Most if not all of them have a default setting for which font and style to use that might override the site settings. Check it out?
Don't have any other ideas. Maybe ask around, or if all else fails, ask knighty.