On the matter of feels with the royal family, any chance we can get some Celestia action before the end too? She is most likely the character with the biggest conscience load out of all of them, and it would be nice to see her have a heart-to-heart with Shiny
I never did give my opinion on the previous chapter, so here's a two-for-one deal.
No need to thank me. I know how rare guys with critical opinions are on the internet, but it's all in a day's work.
I Would Quill For You:
I didn't really like this chapter, and there are two reasons for that.
The first is that Shining, for all the development and progress he's made, seems to take a pretty big stumble back, and the narrative seems to pretend he never took the forward step to begin with. By this point Shining should know that Swallow is trying to help him, and hold some trust in her professionalism. Yet he still flies off the handle at her over the smallest slights, and he's confrontational to almost "Like a Prince" levels.
By this point, Shining should be more open with his wife, and yet he's still hiding his fears from her, and far more deliberately this time. I'm also not really seeing how this particular fear is something that should be hidden from Cadance. I'm really just not following the logic. What exactly is so hard about saying "I think there's some residual magic form the Changeling Queen messing with my head, and I asked Luna to help me."? WHy is this secret-worthy? I don't get it.
And the letter... good gravy, Shining's impulsiveness hasn't been this bad since... actually, I don't think this story has ever had him this impulsive. I'd have to re-read the whole thing again to be sure, but, wow, that is some epically bad decision-making. Even him trashing his room was excused by his anger and frustration at the previous night. Here he just goes nuts without any external cause.
It's like all that Shiny has learned over the last few chapters has been forgotten.
The other problem is that the misunderstanding caused by the letter is so contrived that I'm having trouble buying it. Both Shining's phrasing of it, and Luna's reaction to it are headdesk worthy. And even Luna's guards get in on the action by withholding it from her until nighttime. Just epically bad judgement all around. This all culminates in more stress and trauma being put on Cady. And, of course, Shining fails to man up and come clean (see point one above).
The weird thing is that in their common idiocy, Luna and Shiny are really presented as birds of a feather (which has been building for a while, but really, it could've been done without dropping both their IQ's to room temperature.)
And I'm still not getting why Cady can't get at least a bare-bones explanation.
I'm guessing this was intended to be a "Comedy of Errors", but when the reasons are so sad, and the consequences so tragic, it's just "A Bunch of Really Stupid Decisions That Make Ponies MIserable".
When Fragile Hearts Collide:
Okay, this is a good chapter. The interaction between Shining and Luna was nice, we get some character exploration of the latter. Of course, Luna messes up again - but, ironically, it seems like a good thing this time.
The description of Shining's time with Chryslais is aptly powerful and scary (though it does conflict with my headcanon that Shining was actually pretty lucid up until the wedding itself) and I can see why he entertained the option of burying those memories again. Of course, I'm very glad he didn't.
The overall flow of this chapter was very nice, too. It was paced well, and the narrative was, in spots, outright beautiful.
The repressed memories are nothing that Shining didn't already know, are they? He knew that he and Chrysalis had sex. It's the memories of the raw physical and emotional events that matter and that hold power. I guess it's like the difference between knowing you were raped and actually remembering the sensations of it happening.
No, scratch that. It's not like that. It is that.
That's brilliant.
Summary:
Didn't care much for "I Would Quill For You". Loved "When Fragile Hearts Collide".
Now, Shiny, for the love of all that is holy, do what I've been saying since Chapter 2:
3243372 I hated "I would quill for you." It took several months to write, it was my first experience with a total writer's block and I just had to hammer it out. If I'll ever re-write a chapter in this fic, it'll be that one.
3243861 Sorry but it doesn't work like that. An ellipsis is meant to be used only for omissions, not pauses in the dialogue. That's where commas, periods, ums, and ahs come in. An ellipsis is the easy way out and I gotta get rid of it.
I'm glad to see this continuing. I can sympathize with the idea that there were major mistakes made on the part of Shining and Luna, and perhaps that Shining's relation with his therapist has regressed, but at least for the latter I'm inclined to think that it's a matter of projecting his frustrations onto the nearest available target—and he has plenty to legitimately project. As for the idea that he should talk with his wife—my impression is that yes, that's the point; the very problem is that Shining is caught in a catch twenty two wherein his problem is that he is too (legitimately, or at least understandably) terrified of Cadence (even if it's not her fault) to directly broach his problem with her. I guess what I'm saying here is that if he were could be enough in control of his emotions to discuss them and his underlying experiences with her, then this story wouldn't exist.
Now a few editing matters for the last two chapters. 11: His shield breaks and both him and Cadance are thrown back and prone on the floor. "he and Cadance"
12: he feels like he's was entering "he feels like he's entering"
At it's center stands a lone circle "At its center"
He feels as if he'd stepped into a warm cottage Should "he had" instead be "he has"?
Because without those things, what we did with Cadance at the wedding wouldn't mean anything. Shining Armor doesn't use the royal we; this should be "what I did with Cadance . . ."
3243954 An ellipsis works well to indicate pauses in speech, if you ask me. (You didn't, but when has that ever stopped me?) The fact is, there is a desperate need to have a simple, elegant indicator that the speaker has stopped speaking for a short time, but that nothing else of interest is happening in the scene. The ellipsis has become that indicator, and although it may have been unacceptable once, I submit that it has gained sufficient legitimacy. Language, and writing in particular, is about communication, after all. The rules of language are a good only insofar as they, on balance, forward that goal.
And omissions are indicated with an ellipsis in brackets, like so: (...) Or: [...]
I LOVE this chapter. I hope Luna gets a resolution. We've only cared about Shining and Cadance so far, but her character and the parallels we see is very interesting.
3244374 Omissions are only indicated in brackets when quoting from another source, not in dialogue. You are saying that an ellipsis has become an indicator of a pause in text. That is only for high-quality stuff like FIMFic and EQD. In proper writing, it's not done. If I went with other common usages, I'd soon be changing and into &, letters into numbers, Capitalising every Noun and spelling lose as loose.
3244104 I'll let you on a secret which should not have been one in the first place. Shiny's loss of confidence with his therapist was supposed to come from Cadance telling him that she doesn't like Sassy. When someone close to you voices such a direct contradiction to your own thoughts, even if you try to disregard it, it still stays in the back of your head. This SHOULD have been obvious from the start of "I would quill for you" except, like I've said, that chapter is a turd.
The editing matters are all to the point. I started writing this in the present tense and there is nothing I've regretted more as an author. Never again. The last one is a bit amusing thought, because the way I wrote it would have been correct in Finnish, so it just slipped through.
32462443244582 This is about Shining Armor and Cadance. Crudely put, Luna is there to advance the story. I have my own heavy headcanon on Luna and her personality. If I ever have time and energy, I'm going to write a story about her. It's not going to be CIAM though.
3246324 Meh, "proper writing" has rules that are just plain stupid. I go with elegance and clarity. (Though I acknowledge both those things are debatable in specific cases.) "Lose" and "loose" are different words with different meanings; keeping them separate is a matter of clarity. "&" is just plain inelegant. Letters into numbers are both unclear and inelegant and just lazy.
Of course, if you're trying to get yourself taken seriously as a published author, then, yes, I guess you have to toe the line on ellipses as well as other illogical things, unless you have the clout to set your own standards. But language evolves and for all the bad ways it's gone (I still weep for the loss of "thou" and associates) we might was well push for some beneficial changes.
3246522 I can't fight the system, but I can gnaw at it from the inside until it crumbles and I get to replace it with my own. So until then, I'll go for less ellipsis and try to write around them.
Now I don't care what anyone else says, but those rape sessions sound fun as hell, regardless of how traumatic they were.
But leaving that topic aside, it's great to know SA was finally able to look at his last demon, the final piece in the puzzle that was his time with the queen bug. The road ahead is still as rocky as ever, but now all it follows is the healing of both lover's hearths and minds, which leads me to my next point: Cadence (see? I learn ) and SA finally realizing he's supposed to help her through her own problems as well, being yet another road for recovery.
This story has take all kinds of twist and turns, let's see if this is the last of them, or if latter on they will find find yet another (always awesome IMO ) one, but whatever happens, I will always be eager as hell for an update
Okay, I'll add in a few extra comments that I haven't mentioned directly.
Good to finally get it through to Shining that he and Cadance need to be puling together as a team. I understand well how it is to not want to dump on your partner when you feel like they have their own stuff, but the whole point of a relationship is the TOGETHER part of it.
I am a bit disappointed that you missed the chance to have Shining Armor pull a "don't think of Pink Elephants" maneuver about sex with Luna, but it was the right choice, since it would have distracted from the mood the rest of the mental block set up.
I like how you have Luna. She has always come across to me as a very "heart on her sleeve" type of personality. It makes her a very solid contrast/compliment to Celestia, and at the same time is a personality I could see accidentally going nightmare moon.
as for the ellipsis issue. I agree that "..." should allow for cases in speech where someone is pausing in their speech or trailing off. I KNOW that it is commonly used to represent awkward pauses where nothing is being said,
"So you're saying that my paladin should NOT mug the nun?" "..." "yeah, I guess that would be a bit out of alignment." "ya think?"
So I personally feel that at least for the specific use of speech, ellipsis should be able to be used t represent pauses in speech that aren't due to finishing the sentence. I'm pretty sure I've seen them used that way too.
"So... you don't think that- that, maybe... I could just... no, I guess that would be kind of a bad... well, y'know?"
The problem with writing is that there are rules for "proper" writing that RELAXED SPEECH DOES NOT FOLLOW. A person could say; "I didn't not seen nun of dat stuff you dun said ah seen." which would be completely incorrect writing and grammar, but it's still what they said. Sure, you shouldn't use ellipsis for the narrative, but in speech it should still be allowed.
3247975 While her powers, abilities and figure may be, her personality is extremely reminiscent of those "sad Luna" fics from 2011 up until her reintroduction in season 2.
32465223246324 The Chicago Manual of Style, one of the most used guides for fiction writing and editing, says that ellipses are acceptable as spacers for speech: “Ellipsis points suggest faltering or fragmented speech accompanied by confusion, insecurity, distress, or uncertainty." Undoubtedly, they're often overused, but deciding that you need to write "correctly" by not using them ever is about as necessary as writing your story without the letter e.
All grammar quibbles aside, I really liked this chapter. Luna's dislike of the garden has a lot of implied depth and some beautiful ambiguity. For as much as she hates Celestia for making everyone forget about her … if they had remembered, could they have treated her as anything other than an unredeemed villain when she returned? At least this way, their first impression of her wouldn't have to be as Nightmare Moon … until she screwed up Celestia's plans by returning early with vengeance in her heart, anyway. Oops. No wonder she's got such a trigger about screwing things up despite good intentions. She needs to make herself helpful to prove she's better than that.
She is carrying a large weight on her shoulders and re-integrating herself into society after a long absence is pretty difficult for her. She tries to cope, but because of her background as an evil pony, she suffers from prejudice, at least in her own mind. I think of her as the ghost floating around Canterlot Castle, not really tangibly connecting with anyone except her sister. Even though Celestia does all she can for her to feel better, she feels like a canary in a golden cage, so to speak. Even the people who meet her, treat her as a distant demideity, not as a person. That is why Shiny being so preoccupied by his own problems actually forgetting to be intimidated by her and treating her as a real pony has been very much therapy for her as well. I remember the mopy Luna from the nightmare night in S2. She was pretty much a deadpan snarker, cynical, pretty oblivious to social customs and completely awkward with communication. I also thought she was nervous as shit from everypony running and cowering from her because it was the first time she dared go outside of the castle. To me, she might seem a bit childish at times, but what is 'being childish' save the fact she doesn't know how to act as society expects her to.
So yeah, even though there are some hints of the sad, misunderstood Luna from S1 fanfics, this really is supposed to be something a bit more mature. I especially loved her (in my favourite episode of the whole series) Sleepless in Ponyville, where she is shown to take care of her subjects indirectly inside their dreams, maybe being more comfortable in a world where she can communicate with imagery, senses and feelings instead of verbally.
I also have a headcanon of her retreating to cyberspace so she can interact with ponies anonymously as Gamer Luna, but that's a completely different story.
3250785 First of all, thank you so much for digging that CMOS fact up! Now I can return to my normal style of writing, thought trying to cut down on the ellipsis is still necessary.
You're completely right on the Luna/NMM idea. Luna is bitter, but a lot of it is at herself as well. This line:
"You are wary of having someone else influence your thoughts and take control of you without you being able to even know where your own thoughts stop and the other's begin and make you do dark and cruel things that you would never even consider?"
Was there to drive the point home on how much she still fears herself.
3249332 Not really. We just disagreed on what I expected from an editor (slave) and on how he wanted to approach the task (teacher). In the end, we just didn't match, apparently.
3251365 >Gamer Luna i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/002/085/Kornheiser_Why.JPG Please don't.... -------------------------------- As for the rest, really nice headcanon actually! You should really try to inset it more in this story, even though by this is point is wrapping up... or so it seems, given that this story is such a fun wild ride!
this was the most beautiful chapter so far! gosh! I want to smack you now because you threw something in my eyes and is leaking water... well, at least it was until the frazzleberries thing in the end
3255860 Molestia is fine and dandy, hell I would be surprise if you didn't like her, but gamer Luna... Idk, ever since her inception it always bothered me, I mean, it was mostly a JJ's concept that grew into the community, and not a community effort like many of the other fandom ones, like Molestia, Trollestia, Dr. Whooves (whom I don't like anymore) and such, kinda forced in my eyes...
I caught this probably minutes after it updated.
Anyway, this reminded me of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix when they are inside Harry's head.
EDIT: I may be able to assist you with editing, if you so choose.
Frazzleberries are now my new favorite midnight snack. Thanks a lot.
I really have to go through witht his.
Typo.
Another excellent chapter! Keep it up!
I don't get the ''frazzleberries'' reference either...
3242987 Don't let it bother you. Just forget all about them.
This chapter is up to its ears in character development. I love it!
Blargh! Luna feels, my one weakness!
I wanna just hug her, hug her long time.
Looks like she managed to get a big mental block out though. Maybe this will really allow Shining and Cadance to really start mending? I hope so.
3243116 Honestly, it's one of my two favourites from CIAM.
Who wouldn't want to have erotic dreams about Princess Luna?
The 'uhhh's' and 'errr's' you threw in here killed it mostly for me...
I had a feeling it was a repressed memory. That would have been too convenient if it were magic.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3243177 Because I'm trying to get rid of my overuse of ellipsis. Yes, I know Shiny sounded like Jeff Goldblum.
3243205
The more or less seemed like they weren't needed.
You could probably remove them. But that's just me.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3243208 Yup. It's pretty much you. You're welcome to try. I did. Couldn't.
3243154 I can see why.
On the matter of feels with the royal family, any chance we can get some Celestia action before the end too? She is most likely the character with the biggest conscience load out of all of them, and it would be nice to see her have a heart-to-heart with Shiny
great chapter, love the Luna feels. Luna is best pony.
Also, What the unholy crap are FRAZZLEBERRIES?
3243009 IMPOSSIBRU!
I never did give my opinion on the previous chapter, so here's a two-for-one deal.
No need to thank me. I know how rare guys with critical opinions are on the internet, but it's all in a day's work.
I Would Quill For You:
I didn't really like this chapter, and there are two reasons for that.
The first is that Shining, for all the development and progress he's made, seems to take a pretty big stumble back, and the narrative seems to pretend he never took the forward step to begin with. By this point Shining should know that Swallow is trying to help him, and hold some trust in her professionalism. Yet he still flies off the handle at her over the smallest slights, and he's confrontational to almost "Like a Prince" levels.
By this point, Shining should be more open with his wife, and yet he's still hiding his fears from her, and far more deliberately this time. I'm also not really seeing how this particular fear is something that should be hidden from Cadance. I'm really just not following the logic. What exactly is so hard about saying "I think there's some residual magic form the Changeling Queen messing with my head, and I asked Luna to help me."? WHy is this secret-worthy? I don't get it.
And the letter... good gravy, Shining's impulsiveness hasn't been this bad since... actually, I don't think this story has ever had him this impulsive. I'd have to re-read the whole thing again to be sure, but, wow, that is some epically bad decision-making. Even him trashing his room was excused by his anger and frustration at the previous night. Here he just goes nuts without any external cause.
It's like all that Shiny has learned over the last few chapters has been forgotten.
The other problem is that the misunderstanding caused by the letter is so contrived that I'm having trouble buying it. Both Shining's phrasing of it, and Luna's reaction to it are headdesk worthy. And even Luna's guards get in on the action by withholding it from her until nighttime. Just epically bad judgement all around. This all culminates in more stress and trauma being put on Cady. And, of course, Shining fails to man up and come clean (see point one above).
The weird thing is that in their common idiocy, Luna and Shiny are really presented as birds of a feather (which has been building for a while, but really, it could've been done without dropping both their IQ's to room temperature.)
And I'm still not getting why Cady can't get at least a bare-bones explanation.
I'm guessing this was intended to be a "Comedy of Errors", but when the reasons are so sad, and the consequences so tragic, it's just "A Bunch of Really Stupid Decisions That Make Ponies MIserable".
When Fragile Hearts Collide:
Okay, this is a good chapter. The interaction between Shining and Luna was nice, we get some character exploration of the latter. Of course, Luna messes up again - but, ironically, it seems like a good thing this time.
The description of Shining's time with Chryslais is aptly powerful and scary (though it does conflict with my headcanon that Shining was actually pretty lucid up until the wedding itself) and I can see why he entertained the option of burying those memories again. Of course, I'm very glad he didn't.
The overall flow of this chapter was very nice, too. It was paced well, and the narrative was, in spots, outright beautiful.
The repressed memories are nothing that Shining didn't already know, are they? He knew that he and Chrysalis had sex. It's the memories of the raw physical and emotional events that matter and that hold power. I guess it's like the difference between knowing you were raped and actually remembering the sensations of it happening.
No, scratch that. It's not like that. It is that.
That's brilliant.
Summary:
Didn't care much for "I Would Quill For You". Loved "When Fragile Hearts Collide".
Now, Shiny, for the love of all that is holy, do what I've been saying since Chapter 2:
1863860
3243330 3243347 Just forget them. It's not important. Honestly.
3243228 She isn't going to be a part of this story any more than she has already.
indeed. Frazzleberries?
3243372 I hated "I would quill for you." It took several months to write, it was my first experience with a total writer's block and I just had to hammer it out. If I'll ever re-write a chapter in this fic, it'll be that one.
And the curse of the Frazzleberries continues
3243373
3243205 as long as you dont get as bad as Wild Arms 2's ..........................r thing you are fine
3243861 Sorry but it doesn't work like that. An ellipsis is meant to be used only for omissions, not pauses in the dialogue. That's where commas, periods, ums, and ahs come in. An ellipsis is the easy way out and I gotta get rid of it.
I'm glad to see this continuing. I can sympathize with the idea that there were major mistakes made on the part of Shining and Luna, and perhaps that Shining's relation with his therapist has regressed, but at least for the latter I'm inclined to think that it's a matter of projecting his frustrations onto the nearest available target—and he has plenty to legitimately project. As for the idea that he should talk with his wife—my impression is that yes, that's the point; the very problem is that Shining is caught in a catch twenty two wherein his problem is that he is too (legitimately, or at least understandably) terrified of Cadence (even if it's not her fault) to directly broach his problem with her. I guess what I'm saying here is that if he were could be enough in control of his emotions to discuss them and his underlying experiences with her, then this story wouldn't exist.
Now a few editing matters for the last two chapters.
11: His shield breaks and both him and Cadance are thrown back and prone on the floor.
"he and Cadance"
12: he feels like he's was entering
"he feels like he's entering"
At it's center stands a lone circle
"At its center"
He feels as if he'd stepped into a warm cottage
Should "he had" instead be "he has"?
Because without those things, what we did with Cadance at the wedding wouldn't mean anything.
Shining Armor doesn't use the royal we; this should be "what I did with Cadance . . ."
3243954 An ellipsis works well to indicate pauses in speech, if you ask me. (You didn't, but when has that ever stopped me?) The fact is, there is a desperate need to have a simple, elegant indicator that the speaker has stopped speaking for a short time, but that nothing else of interest is happening in the scene. The ellipsis has become that indicator, and although it may have been unacceptable once, I submit that it has gained sufficient legitimacy. Language, and writing in particular, is about communication, after all. The rules of language are a good only insofar as they, on balance, forward that goal.
And omissions are indicated with an ellipsis in brackets, like so: (...) Or: [...]
3243387 Oh come on, why not? You stopping at the hat trick?
I LOVE this chapter. I hope Luna gets a resolution. We've only cared about Shining and Cadance so far, but her character and the parallels we see is very interesting.
3244374 Omissions are only indicated in brackets when quoting from another source, not in dialogue. You are saying that an ellipsis has become an indicator of a pause in text. That is only for high-quality stuff like FIMFic and EQD. In proper writing, it's not done. If I went with other common usages, I'd soon be changing and into &, letters into numbers, Capitalising every Noun and spelling lose as loose.
3244104 I'll let you on a secret which should not have been one in the first place. Shiny's loss of confidence with his therapist was supposed to come from Cadance telling him that she doesn't like Sassy. When someone close to you voices such a direct contradiction to your own thoughts, even if you try to disregard it, it still stays in the back of your head. This SHOULD have been obvious from the start of "I would quill for you" except, like I've said, that chapter is a turd.
The editing matters are all to the point. I started writing this in the present tense and there is nothing I've regretted more as an author. Never again. The last one is a bit amusing thought, because the way I wrote it would have been correct in Finnish, so it just slipped through.
ALL of those slipped through two editors though.
3246244 3244582 This is about Shining Armor and Cadance. Crudely put, Luna is there to advance the story. I have my own heavy headcanon on Luna and her personality. If I ever have time and energy, I'm going to write a story about her. It's not going to be CIAM though.
3246324 Meh, "proper writing" has rules that are just plain stupid. I go with elegance and clarity. (Though I acknowledge both those things are debatable in specific cases.) "Lose" and "loose" are different words with different meanings; keeping them separate is a matter of clarity. "&" is just plain inelegant. Letters into numbers are both unclear and inelegant and just lazy.
Of course, if you're trying to get yourself taken seriously as a published author, then, yes, I guess you have to toe the line on ellipses as well as other illogical things, unless you have the clout to set your own standards. But language evolves and for all the bad ways it's gone (I still weep for the loss of "thou" and associates) we might was well push for some beneficial changes.
3246522 I can't fight the system, but I can gnaw at it from the inside until it crumbles and I get to replace it with my own. So until then, I'll go for less ellipsis and try to write around them.
Just to diss you.
I would love nothing more than to help edit for this.
Yay more Luna, in all her pre-season two glory!
Now I don't care what anyone else says, but those rape sessions sound fun as hell, regardless of how traumatic they were.
But leaving that topic aside, it's great to know SA was finally able to look at his last demon, the final piece in the puzzle that was his time with the queen bug. The road ahead is still as rocky as ever, but now all it follows is the healing of both lover's hearths and minds, which leads me to my next point: Cadence (see? I learn ) and SA finally realizing he's supposed to help her through her own problems as well, being yet another road for recovery.
This story has take all kinds of twist and turns, let's see if this is the last of them, or if latter on they will find find yet another (always awesome IMO ) one, but whatever happens, I will always be eager as hell for an update
Also, more wild sex plz.
Okay, I'll add in a few extra comments that I haven't mentioned directly.
Good to finally get it through to Shining that he and Cadance need to be puling together as a team. I understand well how it is to not want to dump on your partner when you feel like they have their own stuff, but the whole point of a relationship is the TOGETHER part of it.
I am a bit disappointed that you missed the chance to have Shining Armor pull a "don't think of Pink Elephants" maneuver about sex with Luna, but it was the right choice, since it would have distracted from the mood the rest of the mental block set up.
I like how you have Luna. She has always come across to me as a very "heart on her sleeve" type of personality. It makes her a very solid contrast/compliment to Celestia, and at the same time is a personality I could see accidentally going nightmare moon.
as for the ellipsis issue. I agree that "..." should allow for cases in speech where someone is pausing in their speech or trailing off. I KNOW that it is commonly used to represent awkward pauses where nothing is being said,
"So you're saying that my paladin should NOT mug the nun?"
"..."
"yeah, I guess that would be a bit out of alignment."
"ya think?"
So I personally feel that at least for the specific use of speech, ellipsis should be able to be used t represent pauses in speech that aren't due to finishing the sentence. I'm pretty sure I've seen them used that way too.
"So... you don't think that- that, maybe... I could just... no, I guess that would be kind of a bad... well, y'know?"
The problem with writing is that there are rules for "proper" writing that RELAXED SPEECH DOES NOT FOLLOW. A person could say; "I didn't not seen nun of dat stuff you dun said ah seen." which would be completely incorrect writing and grammar, but it's still what they said. Sure, you shouldn't use ellipsis for the narrative, but in speech it should still be allowed.
3247848 Pre-season two glory? How come? This is pretty much based on the s3 one.
3247975
While her powers, abilities and figure may be, her personality is extremely reminiscent of those "sad Luna" fics from 2011 up until her reintroduction in season 2.
Did yall get in a fight with your editor bro?
3246522 3246324
The Chicago Manual of Style, one of the most used guides for fiction writing and editing, says that ellipses are acceptable as spacers for speech: “Ellipsis points suggest faltering or fragmented speech accompanied by confusion, insecurity, distress, or uncertainty." Undoubtedly, they're often overused, but deciding that you need to write "correctly" by not using them ever is about as necessary as writing your story without the letter e.
All grammar quibbles aside, I really liked this chapter. Luna's dislike of the garden has a lot of implied depth and some beautiful ambiguity. For as much as she hates Celestia for making everyone forget about her … if they had remembered, could they have treated her as anything other than an unredeemed villain when she returned? At least this way, their first impression of her wouldn't have to be as Nightmare Moon … until she screwed up Celestia's plans by returning early with vengeance in her heart, anyway. Oops. No wonder she's got such a trigger about screwing things up despite good intentions. She needs to make herself helpful to prove she's better than that.
3247992 What follows is my headcanon:
She is carrying a large weight on her shoulders and re-integrating herself into society after a long absence is pretty difficult for her. She tries to cope, but because of her background as an evil pony, she suffers from prejudice, at least in her own mind. I think of her as the ghost floating around Canterlot Castle, not really tangibly connecting with anyone except her sister. Even though Celestia does all she can for her to feel better, she feels like a canary in a golden cage, so to speak. Even the people who meet her, treat her as a distant demideity, not as a person. That is why Shiny being so preoccupied by his own problems actually forgetting to be intimidated by her and treating her as a real pony has been very much therapy for her as well. I remember the mopy Luna from the nightmare night in S2. She was pretty much a deadpan snarker, cynical, pretty oblivious to social customs and completely awkward with communication. I also thought she was nervous as shit from everypony running and cowering from her because it was the first time she dared go outside of the castle. To me, she might seem a bit childish at times, but what is 'being childish' save the fact she doesn't know how to act as society expects her to.
So yeah, even though there are some hints of the sad, misunderstood Luna from S1 fanfics, this really is supposed to be something a bit more mature. I especially loved her (in my favourite episode of the whole series) Sleepless in Ponyville, where she is shown to take care of her subjects indirectly inside their dreams, maybe being more comfortable in a world where she can communicate with imagery, senses and feelings instead of verbally.
I also have a headcanon of her retreating to cyberspace so she can interact with ponies anonymously as Gamer Luna, but that's a completely different story.
3250785 First of all, thank you so much for digging that CMOS fact up! Now I can return to my normal style of writing, thought trying to cut down on the ellipsis is still necessary.
You're completely right on the Luna/NMM idea. Luna is bitter, but a lot of it is at herself as well. This line:
Was there to drive the point home on how much she still fears herself.
3249332 Not really. We just disagreed on what I expected from an editor (slave) and on how he wanted to approach the task (teacher). In the end, we just didn't match, apparently.
3251365
>Gamer Luna
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/002/085/Kornheiser_Why.JPG
Please don't....
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As for the rest, really nice headcanon actually! You should really try to inset it more in this story, even though by this is point is wrapping up... or so it seems, given that this story is such a fun wild ride!
thank you, good episode,
enjoyable to the last... frazzleberries got nuthin on snozzberries
3254437 I'm 100% for Gamer Luna. And Molestia for that matter.
this was the most beautiful chapter so far!
gosh!
I want to smack you now because you threw something in my eyes and is leaking water... well, at least it was until the frazzleberries thing in the end
can't wait for more!
3255860
Molestia is fine and dandy, hell I would be surprise if you didn't like her, but gamer Luna... Idk, ever since her inception it always bothered me, I mean, it was mostly a JJ's concept that grew into the community, and not a community effort like many of the other fandom ones, like Molestia, Trollestia, Dr. Whooves (whom I don't like anymore) and such, kinda forced in my eyes...