CIAM 12: When Fragile Hearts Collide
"Isn't it cold outside at that hour?" Cadance's words of worry echo in Shining Armor's head.
"Yeah, no kidding," he answers to the dark night all around him, his words coming out as tiny puffs of frost. His hooves trace a slow trot through the cobblestone path through the Day Garden. Here several celebrations, parties, and get-togethers are thrown to foreign dignitaries as well as the ponies who work in the castle. On one side it faces the parapets and the city below, giving the visitors a beautiful view of Canterlot City. The only thing it brings Shining Armor is the cold mountain breeze, which runs an icy claw down his back, sending goosebumps in its wake.
The castle's gardeners have started packing the tiny park up for the coming winter. Low protective shelters and white tarps cover the more vulnerable flowers, whereas the leafless trees are left to fend for themselves against the frost and snow. A tent of sorts stands vigil above the centerpiece of the garden, the famous Flower Clock. Various flowers have been planted in a circle there, blooming one after another to show the ponies admiring it a general date. No flowers are in bloom now; Summer is always shorter for the mountain city. Ponies are still hard at work on their farms in the lowlands and valleys, reaping the last of Summer's bounty, but up here, he can practically taste the promise of snow in the air.
Shining Armor affords a few glances at the dark garden. Some of his favourite memories are from this place, from visiting Twilight when she was under Princess Celestia's tutelage to the secret, clandestine meetings between him and Cadance when they could slip away from their duties for a moment. The one overshadowing all of those times is his wedding, only a month ago. He walks past the same place where he and Cadance shared their first dance as a married couple and stops to smile at the memory. All his friends and family were there, having the time of their lives. His parents, Twily, the rest of the Bearers, the Princesses, and dozens of other guests, all wishing him and his fiancée a happy life together.
If only they knew. Here I am, Prince Shining Armor, the model husband, going off to get my head magicked in the middle of the night without telling my wife about it.
His head slumps a bit, but he quickly picks himself up and shakes the depressing thoughts away. His vigorous movement reminds his body that standing around makes him feel even colder, so he double-times it for the back portion of the garden. An old, black iron gate stands in front of him. It is covered in intricate vines of silvery metal, beautiful to behold, but they do not detract from the message inherent to it.This is a private place, they tell the onlooker. You should not be here. Move along. The gate is usually closed at all times, with the keys available to only a chosen few. Only the most honoured of Royal Groundskeepers and members of the Royal Family itself are allowed in.
Shining Armor lifts the tiny gold key from the chain around his neck and opens the lock. The gate swings open by itself in eerie silence, as if guided by an invisible hoof. As a younger guardspony he sometimes escorted Princess Celestia to the gates, but never stepped inside. Cadance told him that after they got married, he could go in just like everypony else in the family. It doesn't help that Twily had held him a long lecture on the various flowers, brushes, trees, and even the kinds of grass inside after being allowed in for the first time. She told him that every single plant inside is magical, having been enchanted by the long tradition of the Groundskeepers over hundreds of years. All of them are supposedly unique in some way, but there was one thing common: All of the flowers inside only bloom in the dark of the night, all year round. He only recently found out that Princess Celestia ordered it built so she could have a place in which to gaze at the moon in solitude. To look at the place where her sister was imprisoned for countless years. And now he's about to go meet the former prisoner of the moon in that very place.
Shining Armor has to gather himself a bit before stepping inside. As he does, the gate slowly swings closed behind him, the lock rattling and locking itself again—no doubt by design. His instincts warn him that he is now a prisoner inside a cage. He walks back to the gate and puts the key back in. Only when the gates opens up again, he lets out the breath he'd been holding without noticing. He tries to laugh at his own nervousness, but the chuckles get stuck in his throat. He swallows a lump and turns around with a final glance over his shoulder at the outside world. For some reason, even if he knows he is only a few hundred feet from his own house, he feels like he's was entering a completely alien place. His eyes have started adjusting to the darkness, so he can easily see something glowing ahead of him. The path of gray cobblestones he follows soon ends and gets replaced by stones of deepest black. Their surface is polished to a mirror sheen and they show his white coat in a ghostly pale reflection as he walks forward. After a bend in the path he arrives in the Night Garden itself. He stops to stare in wonder.
The garden is not large by any measure. It is only a few dozen yards across and roughly circular. What makes it special is that everything glows in a myriad of colours. The grass and the trees shift from deep black to dark hues of blue and red, but the flowers, both on the ground and in the trees, are filled with all the colours of the rainbow. Roses of the deepest red, lilies the colour of snow, everything adding its own tiny speck of light into garden. At it's center stands a lone circle of grey stone below the open sky. Princess Luna stands waiting for him, with a distant, almost mournful smile on her face. Her expression turns softer as she sees the Prince.
"Welcome to the Night Garden, nephew," she says in a warm voice.
"Thank you. I mean... this place looks so nice. I've never..."
"Quite breathtaking, is it not?" She turns to look around the garden as well, as if seeing it for the first time. "My sister clearly spent a lot of effort on this place."
What's wrong with her? She seems so sad. "Err... Luna?"
"Oh, yes. My apologies. Please come inside." She motions for the stone circle with a wing before turning around.
Shining Armor walks up to her and suddenly a rush of warmth runs through his body. He feels as if he'd stepped into a warm cottage after a run through snow and ice. The stone circle turns out to be a circular bench with a break to allow passage inside. In the middle stands a pedestal of the same black stone that he's standing on. It's covered in still water, turning it into a mirror that shows the sky above.
Princess Luna sits down on the bench. "There is a spell woven into the stones under us to keep us warm. It keeps the place comfortable even in the deepest Winter."
He hesitates for a moment before taking a seat just on the other side of the entryway from her. "Seems so. It's pretty nice here really." A short silence falls as he scans his surroundings again, before his eyes fall on the mirror stone next to him. A pale crescent moon floats on the calm surface of the water, seemingly close enough that if he just reached out he could touch it. He reaches for the surface of the water, but Luna's voice stops him in mid-motion.
"My sister showed me this place on the very first night we were together. I was very touched by her efforts," she says in a voice that Shining Armor could only describe as melancholic.
He makes sure to retract his hoof from the pool. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"Is it so clear that I detest this place?" Luna turns to look directly at him, her face a mixture of defeat and shame.
Shining Armor is already on his hooves, ready to leave the place. "You don't like it here? We can—"
"Allow me to explain before any overt shows of chivalry." A tiny smile briefly appears on her lips. "I do not detest this place as much as what it signifies. For a thousand years, my sister kept me hidden, in a private dark garden, instead of telling her subjects of her sister. I know we didn't part ways as friends, but still, it feels so, uhh, cold of her. When I returned from my exile, nopony save your little sister even knew of me."
Shining Armor is about to answer, but finds he has no words. He just looks at the Princess, who has turned to look at the reflection of her namesake in the pool.
"Tia told me that this place was a gift from her to myself. A place where I could retreat if the 'tumult of the new millenia' was too much for me. What she meant was that I could hide here when I was scared."
"I, uh..."
Luna's eyes focus once more onto the unicorn. "Forgive me, nephew. I did not mean to bore you with such things. After all, we are here to make sure that there are no spells in your mind, are we not?"
"Yeah, we are." He stops to look for the correct words to tread the emotional minefield he has been dropped into. "Maybe it just takes time for everypony to, err, welcome you back?"
"That must be it, yes," Princess Luna says with her voice dripping with sarcasm. "I hardly have time from all the official dinners and holding court to visit here every now and again."
"It's not like you were here all the time! That's why I bumped into you in the first place."
"I have been here countless times since my return. Even though it pains me to admit it, my sister was correct in assuming that I would be overwhelmed by this modern Equestria. Do not misunderstand, I think ponies are all a lot better off now than a thousand years ago."
"So, uhh, what's the problem then?"
"That I do not feel like I belong to this time. Everything I've done since my return has been a disaster followed by a catastrophe. The few times I have left Canterlot to see the country, I have been greeted with towns full of scared ponies and hollow greetings."
"Yeah, well, maybe we should call this off for tonight," Shining Armor says. "We can try another time or maybe I could ask somepony else—" Like who, you dolt colt. He stands up again and backs away from the circle, walking backwards along the stone path. ”Look at the time, it's getting so late already—” You just came here. It's barely past ten. ”And, uh, I think I left something on, well, something.” He turns around, preparing to gallop away at full speed, feeling his legs tense in preparation.
"Please, do not go." Her words are so pleading and childlike, that Shining Armor turn around. She is looking at him, forehoof half-raised as if to try and grab him somehow from the distance.
"But I thought you were feeling bad and I don't want to bother you more. I mean, you're a real Princess and I'm asking you to help me with something stupid like this and—"
"It is most certainly not stupid, nephew. If anything, the stupid one is this ancient mare that apparently can not put her own feelings aside even for a moment to help her family. I would be very happy to help you. Please, come back."
Shining Armor hesitates for a moment. On one hoof, he knows that Princess Luna would easily be able to cast the spell, but on the other, she seems so different and vulnerable tonight that it almost scares him. The uncertainty of even going through with the scan in the first place gives him even more reasons to just run away. Even the weather agrees, grasping with cold fingers onto his now sweaty neck. The whole thing feels like a monster that the little colt inside him wants to run away and hide from.
But she isn't a monster. Not any more. I know she's not! So, uh, knees? Could you, like, I dunno, stop shaking now?
”Maybe you could just join me and talk with me for a moment?” she says.
What Shining Armor actually hears is, ”Don't leave me alone.” He looks at the path leading away from the garden and back to Cadance and his apartment. Where Cadance is waiting for him, probably scared out of her mind, not knowing where he is. Going back to her without even trying would be like letting her down again. His shoulders slump and he slowly walks to the circle of stones. As he enters, the stark autumn wind turns into a warm summer breeze.
He sits down. "I kinda thought you didn't want to cast the spell."
"I do not wish to make light of your predicament, but when you asked me, of all ponies, to help you with this spell, I was, well, overjoyed."
"Huh?"
"I have caused you no end of trouble, from giving you bad advice before to attacking you and your spouse tonight. Yet, you asked me, not my sister, to help you. And I shall."
"I didn't think about it like that. If anything, I was already in trouble when I met you when I was going out to party and tonight you were just acting on my stupid letter. So, I guess that makes us even with the guilt part?" He gives her what he thinks of as his 'roguish' grin. She seems to be happy about the offer and smiles in return. The melancholy seems to lift from her eyes with his words.
"Thank you."
"So, uh, how does this spell even work? Because I'm not even sure I want to go through with it. Feels so weird to have someone look into my head for stuff."
"You told me yourself that it is something that needs to be confirmed, did you not?"
"Yeah, well, yeah. It's just, you know—"
"You are wary of having someone else influence your thoughts and take control of you without you being able to even know where your own thoughts stop and the other's begin and make you do dark and cruel things that you would never even consider?"
Shining Armor looks at her for a moment, before the metaphorical light bulb turns on above him. "Sorry! I didn't even think about it like that! I didn't ask you because you were Nigh—ARGH! I really didn't think about that when I asked your help."
To his relief, Princess Luna's expression is one of slight amusement, not of anger. "I know. You would not be so worried if you had. Believe me, nephew, that if there is a pony in Equestria who knows what to look for inside your head, it is I."
Okay, now I really have to go through with his. After that kind of a blurb, she'll be seriously hurt if I back out. He looks her in the eyes and nods. "So what do we do now?"
"You will need to lie down and close your eyes. I shall send a tiny part of myself inside your mind to seek any traces of magic that are not yours. You might think of it as looking for a colour in a painting that clashes with the rest."
"So, uh, will you see my thoughts? Like the things I'm thinking?"
"If you are actively thinking of them, as what are called 'surface thoughts', yes. I will see them."
Someone grabs the anchor of HMS Shining Armor and throws it into the ice-cold sea of horror. "Y-you will? But there's stuff in there! Like stuff stuff!"
"I would never tell a soul what I would see, of course. That I can swear on my royal title."
"Yeah, but you're gonna see them!" Like me thinking about Twily. Oh Dear Celestia no!
"I understand your fear. I promise to be as discreet as possible, but I can not avoid them during the spell."
"I can't...” The thing in the toilet ”I mean...” And the maids! I gave them a spanking! She'll think I'm sick! ”I was afraid that you might see inside, but—"
"Nephew, please, calm down. Need I remind you who you are talking to?"
"Um, you're Princess Luna?"
"Yes. I am the Princess of Dreams. I am sure that there will be nothing that I would not have seen inside a pony's mind before."
"So, uh, even if it's, like, sex stuff?" he asks, his face aglow with embarrasment.
"I..." Luna hesitates for a moment, "Do you know what a large portion of dreams are? Especially for ponies in their teens?"
"Oh," he says. "Oh!"
"I'm afraid so."
"So, you see a lot of dreams like that?"
She shakes her head. "Please do not think me some sort of voyeur that would stay and watch such things. Whenever I stumble upon such a dream, I leave as unobtrusively as possible."
"Wow. I never even thought of it like that. You can see all the... all the—"
"Do you find it so surprising? Dreams and nightmares are my realm. I usually do not tarry or linger in the ones that do not trouble the ponies as such."
"Errr..." Shining Armor's face grows ever the more crimson after a new thought forms in his head. He rubs his forehooves together nervously.
"Is there something on your mind?"
"Yes, well, no, I mean, It's something that, err—"
"Please, nephew. There is no need to—"
"That's not it! It's just that, well, I had a thought and it's kinda pretty personal. To you, I mean."
Princess Luna takes her most heroic pose possible, lifting her chin up. "Am I not going to possibly see such things in your mind? If you have a question, you may as well ask it now instead of allowing it to mull in your mind and possibly have me see it later?"
"It's just that—"
"Yes?" She sounds impatient, almost miffed. She leans ever closer to him, staring into his eyes with an almost inquisitive stare.
"Have you ever seen a pony have sex with you in a dream?"
All the gusto seems to vanish from the Princess of the Moon. As she deflates from her straight-backed posture, Shining Armor feels the anchor hit the bottom of the ocean, just in time to see the giant iceberg approaching him with a catchy soundtrack. I didn't just ask that? I just did! I just... crap! I blew it. I blew it so bad.
"Well, I understand why you would hesitate to ask such a question."
"I didn't mean to! You don't have to answer! It was so rude of me! I don't know what came over me!" he stammers through his swollen tongue.
"Yes. I have seen such dreams."
"I—you have?" Shining Armor asks in a dry whisper.
"On occasion, yes. I have seen dreams that ponies have of copulating with me."
"That must be so, well, weird," he says, not finding a more suitable word.
This time it is the Princess' turn to stutter. "I do feel honored in a way. Not many ponies know me so they are mostly people I've met in the castle. Guards and such."
"And you don't mind? You don't send them horrid nightmares or anything?" He knows he should stop, to change the subject, but his morbid curiousity drives him forward.
"It does make me feel a bit uncomfortable seeing them the next day around the castle, I admit, but I would never send somepony a nightmare for seeing a dream! That would be very unprofessional.” She pauses for a moment to gather her presence, as if dictating a royal decree. She closes her eyes and lifts up a theatrical hoof. ”I see nothing wrong with it, as long as they are gentle."
Shining Armor looks at her with his mouth open.
She opens her eyes and answers his bewilderment with a giggle. It is very easy for him to spot the exact moment when Luna's brain catches up to what she just said. She covers her mouth with both hooves and turns around, hiding her certainly red-hot face.
His mouth tries to form words, but finds no purchase on the slippery slopes of communication. His mind races around furiously like a hummingbird on speed salts during a hailstorm.
"Ahem, uh, wow," he says sagely.
Princess Luna doesn't answer him.
He can hear a tiny peep escape her lips. "It's not, uh, that is..." he tries again, but doesn't know how to continue.
"P-please do not tell anypony what I just said?"
Happy to finally find something to say, Shining Armor proclaims "Of course not! I'd never—"
"You must understand that I have never told a soul! What would ponies think of me if they knew their Princess was such a malodorous second rate pervert who peeps into their most intimate dreams and thinks such scandalous things!?" She is left panting as she finds out that even despite their mighty lungs, demigoddesses need to breathe.
"It's okay, Luna," he interjects before she can continue her self-demeaning.
"But ponies still think of me as the monster that I was and if they knew something like this, they would be afraid of even sleeping! I would become a n-n-n-n-n—"
"If they knew about you visiting their dreams, they'd probably just be happy that you make sure they're safe," he says.
The Princess stops for a moment, takes a deep breath, and allows her hooves to finally fall from her face. Her eyes are once again shining with the threat of tears, but none have yet to come out. "Do you really mean that? That ponies would actually appreciate what we do?"
"Err, if they knew, I'm sure they would." He knows he is lying, but only slightly to make sure not to make her feel even worse.
Both her voice and expression grow sour. "They didn't use to."
"Huh?"
"For you it is ancient history, but for me, nary a few scant years have passed since those days."
"Are you talking about," he stops to find the right words, "The Moon?"
"Yes, and before that." She looks deep into the moon-pool, her eyes glossing over as she finds herself in some place far away and long ago. Her mouth turns into a slight sneer before she shakes her head. "It is not a story you would wish to hear. It is not a story that should be told any more."
Shining Armor thinks briefly of his own dark secrets and the reasons why he has ended up in this weird place that doesn't quite seem to belong to the world he's lived so long in. Especially with the ancient, yet fragile mare sitting right next to him. He lifts a forehoof up to Luna's shoulder. "You don't have to tell me anything, Luna. But if you want to, I can at least listen."
"You are most kind and gentle, nephew," she says. The mischievous glimmer he has gotten more accustomed to in her eyes greets him once more. "One night we may share the tale, but it shall not be tonight.”
Shining Armor allows his hoof to fall back to his side on the bench. Princess Luna straightens her posture, dismissing the last remnants of her apparent weakness from moments ago. She gives one last cough before turning her attention fully back towards the Prince.
"I believe we had an agenda for tonight, did we not, nephew?"
He feels his own posture crumbling when he realises that he must soon face the music. A flight of butterflies takes wing inside his abdomen, probably causing a tidal wave in Neighppon in the process. "Oh, yeah. So, is this when we, do it?"
"As I said before, it is nothing to be afraid of."
"I'm not afraid!" he says with clearly too much force in his voice. "I just don't like the thought of somepony poking inside my head and—Didn't we just go through this?"
Princess Luna doesn't even seem to listen to him. "Would you please lie down on the bench on your stomach?" She points to the opposite side of the pedestal where the stone seat circles it.
He is taken aback by the commanding tone in the Princess' voice. It takes him a moment to understand that she must already be building the spell in her mind and needs to concentrate. For Shining Armor, there is no more going back. With a last, inaudible whimper, he moves to where he is told. A fleeting image of himself as a colt waiting to have a blood sample get taken flashes in his mind. He remembers hating needles. Although getting ice cream afterwards wasn't too bad. The stone surface is just as warm as it is on the other side.
As he climbs onto it, Princess Luna lies down onto it as well, their heads ending up close to each other. "Close your eyes. I will have to concentrate for a moment longer and then I will begin."
Shining Armor's last image is of the Princess of the Night gathering the pale glow of the moon above them into her horn, starting to work her magic. As his eyelids droop closed, he feels the warm stone under his stomach sending tiny waves of relaxation into his body. A final shudder of goosebumps tickles his back as he gives up to the feeling.
This is it, I guess. Can't be too bad, can—
Luna's horn touches his. A mental image of a blue alicorn appears in his mind like a thought he doesn't want to have. Just like when he was trying to get rid of the frazzleberries years ago. The memory of Twilight immediately brings the rest of his thoughts about her into his mind. He tries to hide them in horror, but his mind fights against him. The more he runs away from the mental images he doesn't want to have, the stronger they become. All the time he can not stop thinking of Princess Luna.
He is now completely stuck inside his mind, instinctively fighting the intruder and trying to hide everything he thinks private, but in vain. The image of the blue alicorn doesn't go away, instead growing stronger all the while. He knows it is only the Princess, his new friend, and not the Queen that assaulted his mind before. Knowing the fact doesn't help, as the same revulsion and helplessness of not being in control of his own thoughts starts squeezing his temples.
"Are you contradicting me, honey?" Cadance says, her eyes growing poison green.
"I guess I am," he answers. The band crushing his head grows tighter as the monster clamps its claws into his head. Not like how Luna is just a thought that refuses to go away. The Queen did far worse. She came into his mind and pushed him into the cupboard under the stairs. Into the dark cellar of his own mind. He could vaguely see out with his own senses, but in a blur. Everypony he met was like a stranger, save for the pink alicorn that was to be his future wife. Even the moment when he saw his little sister, angry that he hadn't told her of his engagement. It was just some lavender unicorn looking at him funny. Just a nuisance. Only thing that mattered was the green eyes, the sickly, sticky, tarry words that she spoke into his mind.
"You will love me. You will do anything for me. Nopony else is worthy of your feelings except me. You only need me."
Through the mist he sees himself climbing into bed with Cadance. He knows deep down that she is not the same pony he fell in love with years ago, but he doesn't care. All he feels is desperate love and lust for her. They make love, over and over again, until he can just fall on the bed, panting and spent, while she just looks at him with a mixture of satisfaction and unrequited lust, and tells him to continue. He has no strength left, but she tells him he can not stop. He must go on. And he does. Again and again they copulate, hours on end. He has lost all feeling in his body, knowing he has spent every drop of his seed into her, yet the nymphomaniacal beast masquerading as his fiancée is not satisfied. And he loves it. The monster tells him he does.
"You only need me. You love me," it tells him.
He believes it. He has never loved anything or anyone as much and never will again. It is no longer a question of them making love, but of her taking him over and over again. He is held on the bed, unable to move as the pink pony of his dreams rides him. She has never felt this good, this tight, this perfect. Her every curve, every muscle is just the way he has always dreamt a perfect mare to be. Even her musky smell is divine to him. The tiny voice telling him that this can not be real, that it is not the love of his life falls silent before the voice inside his head and the lust driving him forward.
"You are mine."
Only just before dawn is he released as he falls unconscious onto the messy mattress. The days go past in a daze without him having any strength to perform his duties. He casts his shield spell to protect the city of Canterlot from enemies, but knows it is a fragile thing, a mere eggshell that could crumble at the slightest touch. He doesn't care. Cadance has told him that he doesn't have to do it perfectly. As long as it looks good, it is enough. The same happens with everything else he does. The guards can handle the shifts on their own. No, he doesn't need to worry about the wedding preparations. Years of military routine push him forward, not requiring him to think, only to obey and serve. He gives out the mixed, conflicting commands to the soldiers. He mixes up the guard rotations. He sends novices to work and sends the veterans on leave. Everything is just as the alicorn in pink commands.
The next night, she returns. She tells him what a good job he did that day. They kiss and he feels elated for the praise. The kiss turns into a lusty embrace, soon leading to the two on their shared bed, making love again and again. He is still unable to satisfy Cadance, but he tries. Oh Celestia, he tries! He thrusts into her, the ever-so-tight slit greeting him, drawing him inside, clamping onto him like a vice. Her every move tells him he is only property, that his only reason to exist is to mate with his Mistress, his Queen—
He stares at the horrified face of Princess Luna. Her cheeks are wet from the tears running freely from her eyes. "I am so sorry, nephew. I did not know. I did not expect this. I am so sorry. So sorry."
He doesn't hear her. He doesn't hear anything. He is in the dark place where the mind goes to hide from itself.
Shining Armor feels warm and comfortable. His face is resting on a soft, warm pillow. Something is stroking his mane. His eyes are closed and he doesn't want to open them up. His pillow shifts under him, forcing him to move along with it to find a better position. The pillow smells nice. Like a field full of flowers. He turns onto his back and the stroking continues, moving to his cheeks.
He hears a gentle voice humming some melody without words. He must still be in bed. The voice has to belong to his mother, as does the soft hoof. Or maybe it is Cadance.
Or the Queen.
His eyes shoot open. The memories start rushing back. He is not in bed, but in the Night Garden with Luna. She cast her spell and then— "No!" He tries to shout the word, but no voice comes out. He wants to fight, to scream, but a stranglehold on his throats will not let him and his limbs feel paralysed.
"Shhhh," Princess Luna says. "I know, nephew. I know how bad it was."
He shakes and twitches. His horn sends out a few sputtering sparks of magic but nothing that could shape a spell in his state. Luna pulls his head into a gentle hug, and he finally cries like a foal. He clutches at her tightly, his body wracked with the horrors in his mind.
"She is not here, nephew. She can not hurt you. You are safe."
All he can do is clutch Princess Luna and bawl. He wants to stop. He wants to fight the tears back. His body refuses. He hates himself for it, but the tears won't stop. He tries to hit something, to flail desperately against his own mind, but a strong pair of hooves holds him in their embrace despite his struggles. He soon finds no more strenght to fight and his hooves fall limp. The warm hoof once again strokes his mane.
"Shhh. There we go."
The warm words wash over him and the horror finally starts to let go of him. Through his blurry eyes he sees the concerned face of Princess Luna. She is holding his head on her lap. When she sees him open his eyes again, she smiles.
"She... She..." he stammers.
"I know, nephew. I saw."
"I didn't remember! Why didn't I—"
"Shhh. Do not try to talk. Not yet. Only when you are ready. There is no hurry."
He closes his eyes again. The warm bench under him, Luna's soft lap, the silence of the garden around them. He feels his breathing grow calmer and deeper. Despite the warmth, his whole body feels cold and shaky. He realises it is only adrenaline leaving his body. Another panic attack? No, this was different. This was something really bad. And here I am, lying on Luna's lap like a little colt. What the hay just happened? The shame of crying like a little foal, especially on the lap of one of the Princesses of the realm, starts to swell in his chest. With his hooves still shivering, Shining Armor starts to get up. He feels Luna's touch on his back, helping him up to a sitting position. He holds his forehooves between his legs, on the edge of the bench, shoulders sagged. "W-what happened?" he asks.
"I made a mistake," she says in a low voice.
He looks at her and sees her sitting next to him the same way he is. Her face is streaked with dried tears. Gosh. Do I look that bad? Or worse? "What do you mean?"
"I was only supposed to look around to see if there were any traces of the Queen's magic inside. I found a, well, a knot inside. At first I thought it would maybe hide the spell she had used on you, but that was not its purpose."
Even though he is already starting to figure it out, he asks,"What was it?"
"It was a repressed memory. A defense of your mind that you had built around the days before your wedding. Sometimes when a mind cannot fathom the events it is forced to face, it hides them."
"I made myself forget? Is that it?"
"Yes, and no. A pony cannot simply decide to forget things. It was also your mind fighting the intruder in your head. A part of it may have been from the spell you cast with Princess Cadance to throw the changeling army out. I am unsure. Like I told you, I did not recognise it for what it was before it unraveled. Before I unraveled it."
"Maybe it was some trap?" he asks. "A trap that the Queen left? Maybe it's the the thing that's been making me feel like this? Maybe—"
"No."
"But—"
"No. There were no traces of her magic in your head. No traps, no spells, no illusions.”
"It can't be!" He grabs Princess Luna's shoulders and shakes her with every word "It has to be some spell! Something that's been causing all this... shit to me!"
"Please remove your hooves, nephew." Her voice isn't angry, yet Shining Armor immediately complies.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to—"
"You have every right to be distraught. It was my hope as well that there might be magic involved in your mind so it would have been easy to remove. I hoped that I could have helped you, but instead I have only made things worse for you." She takes his hoof in turn in her own. "I can fix it. I can repair what I did if you just let me." Her eyes are wide and her whole expression is one of pleading.
He shies away from her. "What are you talking about?"
"I can go back there. I can hide the memory. I know how to do it. It would be easy and you wouldn't have to remember all the things she—"
"No!" He throws her hoof away. He doesn't even know why he is refusing, but he knows he doesn't want it to happen.
"No pony should have to remember something like that!" she shouts. "Hast not thee been through enough already?"
"No." The thought comes to him. He knows who the enemy is, and what their crime is. The Queen. He doesn't want to let her get away with it.
"Let us help thee! Instead of making things worse all the time, let us repaireth the damage we hath wrought?"
He doesn't answer. He wants to shout at her to stop, that it is not her fault, that he has to face the thing inside his head, but the idea of not having to calls out to him. He wants it so much. It would fix everything that's wrong with him.
"You could do that? Just remove it?"
"Yes! We—I could remove it. You wouldn't have to go through it ever again. Just a blank spot in thy mind during that time. You wouldn't remember the Queen as your wife, nor the things she did to th—you."
"I..." Just like that? I wouldn't have to go back there? Ever? "I would forget the Queen?"
"Yes."
"And everything she did to me as Cadance?"
"Yes!"
He takes a deep breath and turns to look Princess Luna straight in the eyes.
"No. Thank you, but no."
"W-what are you saying, nephew?” She looks at him like one would at a foaming lunatic that used to be known to her. ”I could—"
"I know you could!" he shouts. "That's the problem! How would it be different from the Queen? Using magic to make me be a different pony from what I am. I hate what she did to me, but it happened! There's no changing that. I don't want to ever have to remember it, but I have to!"
"Why would you have to—"
"Because...” he stops to gather his thoughts ”Because without those things, what we did with Cadance at the wedding wouldn't mean anything. We fought the bugs off together. It was our love that finally beat them. It's what made us... us."
Luna looks at him, blinking. Then, to Shining Armor's surprise, she turns around and sighs. "I am sorry, nephew. I never once thought of it like that. I just wanted to fix it right away, not thinking of why anypony could actually want to remember such things. I was inconsiderate. I just wanted to do something right for once because all I—"
He feels his face twist in anger. "Are you stupid?!" he shouts at her.
She twists around, her face a mask of hurt and horror. Her lower lip trembles and she turns to look at the exit from the garden, already halfway up from her seat. Before she can bolt off, Shining Armor grabs her forehoof with his own.
"You've done nothing but help all this time! Ever since I first met you, you've always been looking out for me! How can you still say that you've done nothing right, you idiot?"
She looks at his hoof. For a moment it seems like she is going to rip her hoof free and just run off. She stands there, almost in suspended animation, before giving up. She sags back onto her seat and only then Shining Armor lets go of her hoof.
"Everything I do ends up going wrong!" she says in a trembling voice. "It is just as it was before. I tried to help you gather your strength and go out to have fun, but it ended up with you losing your apartment! When I received your letter, I thought you were in danger and rushed to save you, only to make Princess Cadance fear me and my sister scold me! I wanted to help you with a simple spell to make sure there is nothing left of the Queen in your mind and instead I end up forcing you to remember everything she did to you!"
"Yeah, you did!” he shouts straight to her face. ”And you know what? I don't care! We all mess up! Half the things you told me were doomed from the start and my fault anyway. You just tried to help! You're one of the only ponies that I could actually ask for help! And you did."
She looks at him dumbfounded like he had hit him on the horn with a shovel. "Thou—you are not angry at me?"
"Of course I am! You keep thinking I wouldn't like you when all you try to do is help me! If anything, I feel awful for making you feel bad for it!"
"I'm sor—"
"Stop saying that! I'm perfectly capable of messing up my own things lately! I should be the one saying 'sorry' because of all the stuff you had to see in my head! Or that you got in trouble with your sister for trying to help me!" He waves his hooves in the air furiously. He finds no more words to throw at her, and just lets his hooves fall down on the bench.
Princess Luna keeps staring at him open-mouthed. She closes her muzzle, then opens it up again, her expression going through the whole realm of pony emotions. After a while, her head droops and she looks at the ground.
"Nopony has shouted at me in as long as I remember," she says in a quiet voice.
Shining Armor is still out of breath, but his mind is racing. His heart sinks as he understands what he just did. The night holds its breath in silence, before he breaks it.
"I'm, umm, sorry. Didn't mean to, you know—"
"Do not be," Princess Luna interrupts him. "I believe I deserved it."
"Huh?"
"You actually treated me as another pony, not just a madmare just out of an asylum."
"Wait, no! I don't—"
"I know you do not. That is why, even though it didn't feel too good, I am happy there is at least one pony who can be honest with me."
”I still shouldn't have shouted. I just felt I had to, you know?” Shining Armor says to his hooves.
”Maybe not, but it is more comfortable to follow one's conscience than one's reason, for it offers an excuse and alleviation if what we undertake miscarries, which is why there are always so many conscientious ponies and so few reasonable ones."
He looks at her with raised eyebrows. "What was that?"
"Something a supposedly wise pony told me ages ago. He was trying to teach me that a Princess should think with her head, not with her heart." She stops and pushes out her tongue like a foal. "I never liked him."
Shining Armor tries to find the right words for a moment. "Yeah, well, I kinda feel the same way. I've been lying and keeping stuff from Cady for a long time now. It feels bad. Hay, even now she doesn't know why we are here. It's just that I've been trying to think this whole thing through and fix it. All it seems to be doing is make things worse. Maybe I'm not made to be reasonable.”
”Nephew, relationships are never reasonable. Neither is love.”
”Umm, was that some wise pony too?”
”You might say that.” She lifts her forehoof up in the air to issue another Royal Proclamation. ”It was spoken by her majesty, Princess Luna, Guardian of the Night, Foe of Nightmares, and the occasional Cookie Thief.”
”The—?”
”They don't usually remember to lock the pantries for the night.” She looks at him with a deadpan expression.
He tries the same, but fails miserably and starts to laugh despite himself. Princess Luna joins him happily. When he can talk again, he says ”Heh. I'll take this over the therapy any day.”
Luna is still smiling, but her voice is serious when she asks ”Is there something wrong with your therapist?”
"It's not that. She's really good at what she does. The difference is, I dunno." He stops to think for a moment. "It feels I'm facing my problems alone when I'm with her. With you, I kinda have someone in my corner as well."
"I am honored, nephew. I really am," she says. The next words she says come at a careful, steady pace, as if treading on thin ice, "Do you not think that the pony in your corner should be Princess Cadance?"
The words hit home and Shining Armor feels a stab of guilt in his side. "I know. It's just not that simple, okay?" he mutters. He feels like a teenager explaining something obvious to his mother.
"I honestly do not understand. Are you not married with her? Should you not be facing the problems in your lives together?"
"I, well, I'm, that is..." his words falter. "She has her problems as well and she's dealing with them on her own and—" He almost bites himself on the tongue. A train of realisation driven by guilt and conducted by horror drives over him. "Because I haven't been there for her either. I haven't asked her a single thing of what happened to her. I've only been thinking about myself."
"Then should you be doing something about it?"
"You're... you're right! I need to go talk to her." He bolts up, and summarily kicks his fetlock on the mirror pedestal. He tries to avoid cursing out loud in front of the Princess, hopping on just one hoof for a moment. He leans on the pedestal and sees the image of the moon ripple in front of him, reminding him of the late hour. "Or maybe I'd better wait until morning."
Princess Luna closes her eyes and her horn shimmers for a moment. "Princess Cadance is not in the realm of dreams. She is probably still waiting for you to return."
"We've been here for, uh, I don't know how long! She's still up?"
"It is barely past midnight. And yes, she is."
"I gotta go, you know, right now?" he stammers.
"Of course you do." The hollowness in her words stops Shining Armor in his tracks and he turns to look at her. For a moment he sees a great sadness pass over Princess Luna's face, but she shakes it away with a flick of her mane. She rises from her seat and walks to face him. He is reminded of her actual size as he has to look up to her. "I must attend to my duties as well." She steps around him and into the colder air of the night.
"Luna, uh, wait." He walks next to her, shivering as the autumn chill drapes around him. "Are you alright?"
She takes a few steps more before slowing to a stop. "Unlike what you might think of yourself, you are a good stallion and a good husband. There is no denying that Princess Cadance and you belong to each other." She turns to look at him and takes a deep breath to steady herself. "Forgive me for this, but I must confess that I feel jealous of you two."
"Huh?"
"When you live for as long as I have, the thought of being so close to another pony makes one feel rather lonely. Seeing the way you were ready to dash to her side as soon as you thought of her is..." She falls silent, her head drooping down.
Shining Armor hesitates, not sure if what he is about to do is the right thing to do. He decides to just charge, as usual. Princess Luna gasps as his forehooves wrap around her neck and he pulls her in a gentle hug.
"Luna, I'm married to Cadance, but it doesn't mean I couldn't like and care for other ponies as well. I have Twily, I have my parents, I have my friends, and I have you. We're family now, don't you remember? Families stick together."
For a moment Princess Luna stands still, before lifting her own forehooves to embrace him back, burying her muzzle into his mane. "Thank you. You have no idea how good it feels to hear that."
They hold each other for a while longer, before a cold breeze reminds them both that they'd probably be better off inside and start walking down the path. They reach the gate and Shining Armor opens it for them to pass. As the gate closes, he stays to look at the dimly lit pathway back into Luna's garden. Luna might not like it, but it really fits her. Something that's hidden from other ponies, something really nice and beautiful that only a few will ever see with their own eyes. And one of a kind.
They walk along the gravely paths of the Day Garden, not saying another word until they reach the entrance to the castle proper. They smile at each other, ready to part ways.
"I must ask you one thing, nephew," Princess Luna asks him as he is already inside the door.
"Oh?"
"It is about something I saw in your mind. It has been... bothering me."
Even though he is already inside, the words feel like they are freezing the very lifeblood in his limbs. All of his darkest fantasies flash through his mind. "O-oh?"
"What are these 'frazzleberries'? They sound delicious and for some reason I can not seem to get them out of my head."