The Stallion
“Are you sure about this, Twi?” Spike asked, walking up beside the lavender mare.
“Of course, Spike. Thirty Ways to Attract a Stallion was written only a year ago by Hitch Smith, one of Equestria’s premier dating and relationship experts. I did do some research on him before reading, you know. He’s had many years of experience setting up prospective mares and stallions together, and his vast knowledge about the subject makes him perfect in this situation.” Twilight grinned confidently as she trotted down the street. “Now to find some prospective stallions…”
Spike’s brows furrowed in deep thought. “I’m not so sure about this. I just don’t think that ponies can base their whole dating lives off of what some guy writes down in a book.”
“Spike…” Twilight sighed. “I appreciate your thoughts about the subject, but I think I’m going with the stallion who has the years of experience and multiple awards to his name. Besides, shouldn’t you be out finding a partner for the Midsummer Moon Gala yourself?”
At this, the dragon smirked and stuck out his chest. “Oh, I’m already taking care of that, Twilight, so don’t you worry about my partner.” Truthfully, the dragon had no idea what he was going to do, but at least he knew the identity of the mare he wanted to ask out. This meant that he had a much better attack plan than Twilight, who was just going to shoot around in the dark.
Twilight rolled her eyes in response to his garish display of bravado. “Well I just wish you good luck, Casanova. You’re really going to need it.” The latter she whispered under her breath. Unfortunately, the dragon’s acute hearing caught that last statement.
“Hey!” Spike yelled in indignation. “You’re so sure of yourself, Twi. Well I want to see how well that book of yours works.” With this he added a sardonic smirk. “There’s a pony sitting right over there. Why don’t you ask him out?” One of his talons pointed to a dark-maned, bluish-gray stallion who was quietly resting in front of a coffee shop, reading a newspaper.
“Fine,” Twilight spat, cutting her eyes at her assistant. “I just may do that. Watch and learn, Spike, and I just may let you borrow the book for yourself later.” Then, while ignoring her snickering assistant, Twilight trotted over towards the unsuspecting stallion. As his bluish-gray form came closer, her insides began to squirm. After all, her entire life’s experience with the opposite sex had mostly included her father, her B.B.B.F.F., Spike, and a few stale jokes among the palace guards during one of her late night research runs. That really didn’t help much in this situation.
Still, Hitch Smith’s number one word of advice was “Confidence is key,” and Twilight had plenty of confidence. Right? Gathering up her thoughts, Twilight remembered Pro Tip Number Five: Attract Stallions by Making the First Move. Let your stallion know that you are interested in him…
The first indication that the unlucky pony in front of the coffee shop had that something was horribly wrong was an enormous, dark shadow creeping up behind him and enveloping his lean form. His ice blue eyes widened in fear before he screamed and threw his newspaper in the air.
“Hi!” Twilight greeted, giving the frightened pony a winning smile.
The stallion threw up his arms in self-defense. “Please, please, don’t hurt me!” he cried.
Twilight frowned. Pro Tip Number Twenty-seven, Just Smile, wasn’t working. Quickly, she switched to another tip: Compliment Your Stallion. After all, everypony loves to be flattered every once in a while…
“Um…” Twilight’s brain was trying to find something—anything—to keep the situation from becoming too awkward. “What a…an interesting…” Her eyes furiously darted around searching for something until… “Cutie mark? Oh yes, what an interesting cutie mark you have. Can you tell me what it means?”
The stallion gazed up at Twilight’s leering form from his quivering fetal position on the ground. Having not been robbed or beaten thus far, he took the liberty of asking the stalking shadow a question. “W-who are you?”
“Oh, sorry about that. I’m Twilight Sparkle. And your name is?” Her face was still stretched in a too wide smile, but mentally Twilight was kicking her own flank. She should have gotten introductions out the way at the very beginning. So far she was absolutely screwing up the book’s advice.
“Lucky Clover,” he answered glumly. “Hey look, are you trying to sell me something here? If so, I’m not interested.”
“What? No! No, I’m not selling anything.” Twilight scowled. The purple unicorn was about to go further until, with a small huff, she gave up. At this point, it was awkward enough already, and besides, Pro Tip Number Twelve stated that stallions respected honesty. “Alright, look,” Twilight began. “Tomorrow night is the sixth annual Midsummer Moon Gala, a celebration in honor of Princess Luna’s moon which hasn’t been regularly observed in over a thousand years. This year I have decided to attend, but I need a partner. I came here today with the intent to ask you whether you’d like to accompany me.”
When she finished, both stared at each other: Lucky Clover’s face held a curious mixture of suspicion and disbelief while Twilight’s was both tired and expectant.
“So…you’re serious?” Lucky Clover raised an eyebrow.
“Well…yes. Yes, I am,” the unicorn’s face brightened considerably. Oh wow, this was really going to work? This was-
“Alright then, twenty bits and I’ll do it.”
Now it was Twilight’s turn to show suspicion and disbelief. “Are you serious?”
“Yes, indeed,” Lucky Clover smiled. “You need a stallion to be your partner for the night, and I feel like that should cost twenty bits.” He grinned before the supposedly desperate mare.
He didn’t noticeTwilight’s face turn dangerously crimson.
Spike chortled to himself. It was going to take hours for that Lucky Blower or whatever-his-name-was to disentangle himself from that tree. After three more unsuccessful attempts at asking out a stallion—leaving Twilight very dispirited and Thirty Ways to Attract a Stallion “donated” to another town’s library—the two decided to take a break. As Twilight and Spike walked through town, it didn't take long for them to spot a familiar blonde earth pony behind an apple stand. Spike smiled in triumph. He felt a little horrible for it, but after hours of dealing with an increasingly despondent Twilight, now she was able to dump her mare problems on Applejack while he could finally be free to make his move on Rarity.
“Howdy, sugarcube!” called Applejack. Today had been an exceptional day in the apple business. Nearly all of her wares had been sold, and therefore, the orange earth pony was much more cheerful than usual. “Ya won’t believe how business's been booming today. Why, it’s the first time mah whole cart’s been emptied! Big Mac here had to run back to the farm three times for-” It was here that the attentive Applejack noticed her friend’s downcast countenance.
“Uh, Twilight? Why the long face?”
Rather ashamedly, Twilight mumbled something in a voice so low it would’ve made Fluttershy jealous.
“Come again? Ah didn’t catch that.”
‘Oh for Luna’s sake,’ Spike grumbled to himself. “Applejack,” he began. “Twilight’s been-”
“I’m a grown mare, and I can’t ask out a stallion!” Twilight blurted out, interrupting the casual conversations of over half of the ponies present. “Asking out another pony is a skill normally learned by the average pony’s late adolescence or at the very most, early adulthood. If I had fully realized the social implications of my decision at the time not to pursue…”
While Twilight rambled on, Applejack quickly pulled Spike to the side.
“Spike, what the hay is goin’ on here? Can ya tell me why Twilight’s actin’ nuttier than a squirrel in an acorn tree?”
Spike sighed. “Alright, look. Twi’s been having some trouble asking a stallion out for this big social thing she’s going to. So far, she’s asked four stallions, and so far each reaction has been worse than the last.”
Applejack winced. “How bad was it?”
Spike stared at her. “Just bad. Don’t ask.”
“Hey, what’s up with Twilight?” a new voice questioned. With nearly identical shrieks of surprise, both Spike and Applejack looked up to see an amused cyan pegasus hovering above them.
“Consarn it, Rainbow Dash! I told y’all not to do that!” Applejack hollered while holding her hoof against her hammering heart.
“B-but you should’ve seen the look on your faces!” Rainbow Dash laughed, rolling around on the air above them as if it were solid. “Really, AJ, you need to learn how to take a few jokes every once In a while.”
Applejack stomped her hoof and glared upwards at the offending pegasus in response. “Well maybe y’all need to stop being so gosh darn immature and learn some good ole respect and responsibility for once. Those two never hurt nopony!”
Spike, knowing full well the time that would be wasted if he let those two continue, wisely chose to interrupt their banter. “Hey, girls?” he shouted before gesturing over to their lavender unicorn friend. “Aren’t you forgetting about somepony?”
“Oh my sweet Celestia, Twilight!” Without a moment to spare, the orange mare rushed over to the side of the still rambling Twilight. “Whatever it is, sugarcube, Ah’m sure it’ll be alright.”
“No, no, it’s not! I’ve just discovered that I’m extremely behind in natural equine social development. What’s worse is that I would have never figured it out if Spike hadn’t challenged me to go to that stupid gala. At the rate at which I’m progressing, I’ll be one of the few ponies all alone once I reach the age where the average pony seeks a lifelong companion-”
“Er…what is she saying now?” Rainbow Dash rubbed the side of her head in obvious confusion.
“She can’t get a date…” Spike mumbled for the umpteenth time.
Suddenly, Applejack’s verdant eyes shot open. “Wait a minute… Ah got an idea. Since Twilight’s been having a rough time findin’ somepony, why don’t we find one for her?” Her honest face broke into a wide smile. “Why, Ah have the perfect ponies in mind…”
“What?” This statement from her friend managed to break Twilight out of her nervous monologue. “You would do that, Applejack?”
“Uh, I’d hate to bust your bubble, AJ, but there’s just one little thing you’re forgetting,” interjected Rainbow. “Twilight is an egghead. Whenever she goes out, more than likely she’s gonna want to go out with another egghead. All you know are other farmers; it’s not gonna work.”
“Well,” Applejack huffed. “Then tell us what your great idea is, Rainbow. Go ahead and show us all of them special someponies y’all meet while flying up in the upper atmosphere. Ah’m sure that’ll be a hoot.”
“So you think that you can do better than me?” The blue Pegasus glided slowly up to Applejack’s sneering face.
“Hmm… Let me think about it…” Applejack stated, inching closer to meet Rainbow Dash’s frown. “Why, yes I do…”
Twilight and Spike both looked upon the scene, slightly disturbed. “Spike… What’s happening here?” Twilight asked.
Spike stood beside her, just as nonplussed as she. “I think you’re going to get yourself a date.”
Meanwhile, in a certain palace far to the north of Ponyville, a letter sat unopened inside Princess Celestia’s private mailbox. Said private mailbox laid in one of her more secluded chambers, thoroughly hidden from prying eyes—well, thoroughly hidden from most of the castle’s prying eyes. One set had already spotted its prize and quickly trotted over to investigate.
Light, fleeting hoofsteps rang out from the vintage marble floors—neither too fast nor too slow—their creator had had years of experience in stealth. A black bonnet bobbled up and down behind a yellow horn—the perfect disguise just in case another were to show up and start asking questions. The weathered feather duster in her mouth sealed the deal.
As the figure looked over into the golden box, she could feel the strength of the enchantment protecting the scroll inside. ‘Well of course the princess isn’t an idiot. There had to be a security spell protecting her most intimate of correspondences,’ the mare thought. The yellow horn in front of its borrowed servant’s bonnet glowed a deep, dark blue. It was really a pity that the princess’s defenses weren’t as stringent as the figure had hoped. She had honestly been looking for a challenge.
Prince Blueblood sat impatiently outside his parlor. Every few minutes he resisted the urge to drag his legs across the wooden floors which would most assuredly damage his hooficure. Oh, how he hated when she was late. He didn’t pay her to be late. Her being late led to uncomfortable visions of her getting captured and ultimately disclosing all of their secret dealings these past years. Due to his position as an official prince of Equestria, the stallion wasn’t quite sure what his punishment would be—only that it would most likely be unpleasant. His heart only quieted when he saw her enter the room out of the corner of his eye.
“Where have you been?” spat the prince. “I don’t pay you for tardiness.”
“Your highness…” the mare cooed. Oh, how Blueblood both hated and respected the fact that he could never rattle her calm disposition. “I’ve brought what I can. Your auntie’s mailbox was painfully dry this week.” Her distinctive dark blue magic pulled out a tightly sealed scroll which was cleverly hidden inside an old feather duster.
Prince Blueblood scoffed at the single letter in his hooves. “Is this all?” he cried. “Remind me again the reason why I employ you. Look at this. This scroll was obviously written on subpar parchment. There’s nothing to be learned by reading this thing. I daresay this is most likely one of my auntie’s silly little friendship projects, nothing more. Tell me why I should pay you for delivering me such useless rubbish?”
The mare simply stood and said nothing. Both she and Blueblood knew he was only ranting just for the sake of ranting. She had done her job; she would be paid. . Secretly he praised the mare for her unique brand of thievery—instead of stealing the scroll outright, she only created a duplicate of its contents. Princess Celestia would never know that her personal letter had been usurped.
“Out with you!” exclaimed Prince Blueblood, truly annoyed that his usually intimidating words had no effect. “Your wages are in their usual location. Common peasant…”
“Glad to be of service, your highness,” the mare bowed respectfully before trotting out of the room.
Now all alone, the pampered prince retired to his chambers with the duplicate in tow. Sometimes he questioned whether all of these secrets and lies were worth the effort. Prince Blueblood hadn’t always been the forward thinking, secretive stallion he presently was. Years ago he was a naïve and boisterous—or rather boorish—youth with no real conceptions about the responsibilities of his title and position, but after a certain disastrous night at a particular gala, his mask of naiveté went tumbling down. Left with hardly any friends or supporters and with his princely face shunned from every street corner in Canterlot, Prince Blueblood was forced to resurrect his filthy PR.
He learned how to kiss slobbery foals without vomiting up his breakfast. He learned how to please the public by giving large sums of bits to some meddling charity or the other. He had even learned how to smile at ponies whom he really wished would just jump into a fiery lake in Tartarus. However these three were overshadowed by the one most important thing he’d learned after his fall from grace: the power of knowledge—and how to use it to one’s advantage. The prince now made it one of his top priorities to know the actions and affiliations of every powerful noble in and around Canterlot. His time spent being Canterlot’s social leper taught him how valuable it was to know in which way the wind was blowing, and now that he was on top and better than ever, he was adept at dodging the axe before it fell.
The prince looked down at his stolen prize. The letter was addressed to a Golden Banner via his aunt Celestia. Well, that was something one doesn’t see every day. Slightly amused, Prince Blueblood ripped through the seal and unfolded the parchment.
Dear Golden Banner,
I am writing this letter to inform you of some of the actions taken place within one of the towns under your jurisdiction, Ponyville…
Blueblood groaned. Instead of keeping tabs on the secret activities of his aunt, he was now reading some fool’s wrongly addressed complaints. Hissing in anger, he nearly threw the offending letter into his fireplace before the last four words on the bottom of the page grabbed his attention.
Sincerely, a citizen, Spike.
Spike. Now where had he heard that name?
As the prince thought, something purple popped up in his mind, something small and purple. What again was small and purple? For some strange reason his mind kept bringing up the annoying image of sparkles… Sparkles… Sparkle. His eyes bugged out in realization.
Twilight Sparkle!
His aunt’s miserable little student owned a purple lizard or something years ago. Apparently the miserable little thing must still be alive. How horrid. Well at least it wasn’t still living in the castle, having long since gone off with Twilight to that backwater town—which she’d promptly saved along with the rest of Equestria with her little friends using the Elements of Harmony.
Interest renewed, Prince Blueblood began to pour over the letter. He read about some peasant named Davenport who owned a shop called Quills and Sofas. He read how the purple lizard thought it was wrong that that Davenport fellow refused to sell to him. ‘How comical…’ the prince thought. However, it wasn’t until he’d read the last part of the letter concerning a certain mare that he sat up and took notice. The lizard had written her name, but in Prince Blueblood’s opinion she deserved neither name nor title; she was the white bitch and deserved nothing less than the seventh circle of Tartarus. It was her fault that he’d spent nearly an entire year after the gala alone and despised.
The prince read on at how this Davenport fellow had managed to insult the white bitch and make her cry. Certainly, this was a jolly good show in Blueblood’s book. Surely he couldn’t just stand aside and let such a lovely fellow get put down by the likes of Golden Banner and the lizard.
Fully determined, Prince Blueblood levitated a sheet of his finest parchment and ink and began to write a letter. He could not just let a gentleman such as Davenport be blindsided and taken down by his enemies. Blueblood himself had experienced that, and it had taken him years to recover. No, Davenport Inkfeather would know full well what his enemies were doing and would be ready to meet them head-on. For making the white bitch cry, it was the least the prince could do.
Twilight and Spike sat by the empty apple stand, waiting on the return of either Rainbow Dash or Applejack. After facing up each other, the two had taken off in opposite directions, searching for a stallion they each thought would be perfect for Twilight. Woes betide those stallions…
“Yer friends… They only want the best for ya, ya know?” drawled a deep voice.
Twilight nearly jumped out of her skin before she remembered that it was only Applejack’s older brother still hitched to the apple cart. Funny how she had forgotten how he was even there.
“I-I suppose so,” Twilight shivered.
“Eeyup.”
Several long minutes of silence followed. Twilight looked at Spike. Spike in turn shrugged his shoulders. Why not go for it?
Twilight sighed. She was a failure at complex social interactions, and here she was thinking about asking out one of her best friend’s practically mute older brother as a last resort. “My life officially stinks…” the purple mare moaned.
“Eenope.”
“Yes, it really does,” said Twilight, a little irritated now. “Here am I, an adult mare who isn’t capable of handling a simple thing such as asking out a stallion. I am obviously socially challenged. Even teenage ponies are able to do this with little to no effort!”
Her red face glared up at Big McIntosh while his serene one gazed down at her. Then, surprisingly and embarrassingly for Twilight, he began to laugh—huge deep guffaws that made steam erupt from her ears.
“What’s so funny?” she spat.
Big McIntosh chuckled, wiping a tear from his eye with a red hoof. “Why, you are Miss Twilight, if ya pardon mah laughin’. It’s as plain to me as the blue sky on a summer’s day that y’all never been around a group of teenagers. In mah day, Ah remember being as scared as a foal whenever a filly Ah had taken a likin’ to walked near me. My friends usta get shot down by the fillies almost as many times as Ah could count. Ya ain’t different, Miss Twilight. Wherever didja get a notion in yer head like that?”
Twilight almost answered his question before she realized it was rhetorical. She paused. “I guess I did go overboard a little, didn’t I?” she replied softly. “I really didn’t mean to…”
“Eeyup.”
Twilight thought hard for a second. Her analytical brain shelved this new information while her emotional brain brought up something else. Well, what did she have to lose? It was now or never, and there was a stallion in front of her.
“Big McIntosh,” she began. “Do you mind going to the Midsummer Moon Gala with me?”
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Okay guys, sorry about the lack of Spike in this chapter, but I had to get Twily and Blueblood out the way.
Again, thanks for reading!
O.o Nice update
Just picked up this story. IT HAS PROVIDED ME WITH MUCH ENJOYMENT AND I EAGERLY AWAIT THE NEXT CHAPTER.
Blueblood, you cad!
Spike's cynicism amuses me.
Bananas. Moon. Blueblood. Now!
Good chapter.
Dragon
OMG I want an update... I was so happy when I noticed one my fav stories got updated, but now I already read it, I feel a hollow agin...
gotta wait for next chapter i guess.. thankya anyway
I get the feeling that due to Blueblood, sh*t's about to go down.
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/219/a/a/spike_shitstorm_by_drzackrosimagemacros-d5a65m0.png
Fave'd
1744574
And I am really enjoying your royal Canterlot voice!
Lol thanks!
1744824
I can only imagine how you're going to torture Blueblood with bananas... 
haha, bananas?
1744889
I see a story updated, I squee about it, and five minutes later I'm anticipating the next chapter. But don't worry though, the next chapter is going soon enough.
I know!
1744961
Believe me, more like sh*t hurricane...
1745057
Thanks!
1745217
I meant this.
Dragon
1745217 THIS PLEASES ME GREATLY. I HAVE AWAITED MORE FICS DEALING WITH THIS SUBJECT SINCE THE GREAT FANFICTION IT TAKES A VILLAGE HAS ENDED.
1745217
and will we have some Rarity in the next one?
and also, a silly question maybe... how you make to can quote someone with their username instead of that boring number?
1745237
I wanted Luna to show Celestia up in the last part though. I mean, Luna actually controls the moon. I would've come right back and showed Celestia who's moon-boss. 
LOL!
1745733
Ah, well thank you once again.
1745964
I won't give too many spoilers, but... You see Spike hasn't asked Rarity to be his partner to the gala yet... And the whole quotation system is automatic. See, you've done it yourself too.
1744717
Ha, thanks. I actually took the reactions of people I know and combined them with his canon character. For example,
came from my watching quite a few guys with their girlfriends/wives. Oh, you men...
1746755
oohh so they don't appear instantly but later they do! lol
can't wait for seing the update, how long you think it may take? dont wanna press you up, just want to know to calm myself down a bit xDD
Well Twilight, the important thing is you put yourself out there and tried.
And suddenly TwiMac (I hope), my second favorite Macintosh ship. I was hoping for that the moment she walked up to the Apple stand.
1746755 In our defense, we can only pretend to be interested for so long, and it would be rude to nod off.
This is turning out to be one of the more interesting Sparity fics I've read in awhile. Please regale us with the next chapter fairly soon. Random Scootaloo..
Well, Big Mac is clearly the best date one could take to a high society (and highly judgmental) ball in Canterlot, so I hope he says yes. But then I really do want to see who AJ and Dash manage to dig up for Twilight as well.
Yeah this chapter is making things all kinds of awkward. I wonder how AJ feels when she learns that Twilight's dating her brother for the ball ?
I know Spike's not going to be too happy with Blueblood wooing Rarity to gain her favor again.
Please do keep up the good work upon such a great tale like this one.
1746922
Hmm... Barring any sudden cataclysm in the future, I'd give it at most a week.
1747751
Well to be fair, I don't judge. I only observe and chuckle to myself.
1748962>>1749966
Yep, now you see the lulz factor at having Big Mac at a high class gala.
And we all can guess how AJ is going to take this.
so that makes me happy
1750074
This story was published on the same day I discovered another good-looking Spike fanfic: An Unstable Matter. That one got featured on the same day, but since this one didn't I sent the author a PM asking him to promote Baser Instinct in a blog post. Never happened, never got a reply, but it's very satisfying to know that this story achieved the feature box regardless.
An alliance between enemies should make things pretty interesting. Can't wait to see how Spike's increasingly dangerous instincts will factor into that situation.
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I almost forgot, Davenport hates griffins too...
Alondro picks his baseball bat back up and enters the Ponyville Hospital, where Davenport is in a full-body cast. Nurse Redheart defiantly stands in front of him, "I cannot let you assault him again! Haven't you already done enough?" Alondro shakes his head, "I forgot to beat him for insulting the hotness that is Gilda." Redheart blinks, "Oh! Well then go right ahead! I thought you'd already administered that particular justice!"
Davenport now requires several transfusions and organ transplants to survive...
Next chapter, I deal with Blueblood.
Hitch Smith, one of Equestria’s premier dating and relationship experts
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!
Pretty good film, that!
Prince Blueblood...
zouchmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/douchebag.jpeg
-Kiryu
Twimac
not bad
Oh LOVELY. Looks like Prince Blueballs- I MEAN... Blood... Is going to do his usual assholery.
...I am quite looking forward to this!
While I really enjoy the idea of Blueblood being a antagonist, one thing does not sit right with me here: he seems competent. That is just not right...
Sigh... I will ignore the TwiMac for the sake of Sparity