I: Defibrillator
Robotic Stallion: Love Machines
Author: HoovesLikeJagger
Chapter 1
Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash feigned chuckles to hide the lies they had just told. Twilight put on her best cheesy smile while Rainbow Dash avoided eye contact and took a long drink from her ice water. The atmosphere of the little garden cafe suddenly felt much stuffier. The two mares were paranoid that the Canterlot elites seated around them were staring at them, but nopony even glanced in their direction.
The awkward branch of conversation started when Twilight mentioned how Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity were all still back in Ponyville doing what they always did and raising their families. That prompted Rainbow Dash to mention how her little brothers and sister were getting bigger every day. After that, Twilight just had to mention how she thought that exact same thing about all the colts and fillies at Applejack's eldest daughter Pippin's fifth birthday party two months ago. Rainbow Dash mentioned something about getting old, and Twilight agreed. Rainbow Dash then dropped the biggest bombshell of the afternoon, saying how she wasn't interested in romance or starting a family. Twilight agreed with her in an instant.
Now they didn't know what to say. Truth be told, finding that special somepony and pushing out a foal or two crossed their minds on a daily basis. They couldn't do anything about it, really. Their friends had and were having kids, so talks about husbands and child rearing were impossible to avoid with them. It was true that only three out of six of their tight circle of friends were hitched, but nopony had seen Pinkie Pie ever since she had sailed away in her pink airship on a campaign to throw a party in every city on the planet.
Thus, Rainbow Dash was greeted with nothing but news about how "the kids have gotten so big" every time she visited Ponyville. She went to live with the Wonderbolts in Canterlot ever since she got accepted, but with her speed visiting her quaint little hometown wasn't difficult. Twilight, on the other hoof, still lived in Ponyville. She was now visiting Canterlot for the month to do some business directly with the Princesses. Back home, she often found herself just listening to her friends talk about the married life, so she was hoping that her time with Rainbow Dash would provide a different route of conversation.
To both ponies dismay, they constantly found themselves talking about their friend's kids no matter what they did.
At the gardens: "Pippin would get lost so fast here."
At the orchestra: "How are Swansong's piano lessons going? Rarity told me in a letter that she was really into them."
At a fancy restaurant: "Apple Barrel would adore these desserts, and you know Fluttershy would let him have them, too."
After the Wonderbolts show: "Planet Diver and Sunny are always saying they want to be Wonderbolts like me!"
In the restroom: "Jenday tells me she wants to take up the violin."
Every foal reminded them of their friends' foals and every stallion reminded them of their friends' husbands. They couldn't get away from thoughts of relationships, matrimony, pregnancy, and foal raising. They thought it was just in everything around them, but now, sitting in this cafe on Twilight's third day in Canterlot, they realized the problem was internal.
"Uh... Rainbow Dash?"
"Yeah Twilight?" Rainbow Dash rattled the ice around in her empty glass. For some reason, it made her think of her barren womb. Twilight paused a moment to have the exact same thought.
"Tell me honestly... do you ever want what our friends have? You know... a stallion... kids... that kind of stuff?" Twilight asked. Rainbow Dash slouched over and put her chin on the table.
"You too?" the pegasus asked. Twilight pursed her lips and nodded. The mares shared a pitiful sigh. They stared at the table with glossed over eyes. They sulked as only two mares with longing hearts could sulk. The only known remedies for such levels of self pity usually involved gallon tubs of ice cream or cats, two things neither mare had in abundance.
Rainbow Dash shot up and slammed her hoof on the table.
"We don't need stallions or kids! We're two successful mares, right?" Rainbow Dash said. The fire in her tone relighted the confidence within Twilight as well. The unicorn put on a determined scowl and slammed her own hoof on the table.
"Yeah, we're doing well for ourselves! We don't need love to validate our accomplishments! We're doing just fine, right?" Twilight yelled, gaining the attention of everpony in the cafe. The posh ponies stared at the two, fiery mares, but they paid the peanut gallery no mind. "We've gotta pull ourselves out of this deep, blue funk and go live! It's only noon! We should be out on the town!"
"You're absolutely right! We're two free mares with nothing to tie us down! We can do what we want!" Rainbow Dash shouted, getting on top of the table. She offered a hoof to Twilight and hoisted her up too. Ponies walking past the cafe slowed down to take a gander at the passionate display.
"We could go dancing!"
"We could go yachting!"
"We could go flying!"
"We could go jousting!"
"We can do what we want!" Twilight threw a hoof around her best, single friend.
"We can live on the edge!" Rainbow Dash put her own hoof around her super, unwed buddy. The two hopped off the table and galloped off to seize the day.
The two mares had been staring at the Canterlot History Museum's display of what the scene of an earth pony birth might have been like back in the days before Equestria was founded for half an hour. Somewhere between the cafe and the museum, their resolve to seize the day fell deathly ill as they encountered an entire fleet of ponies pushing foal carriages. The resolve actually died when they visited the mural that showed the entire genealogical tree of the royal family. Now they were at their resolve's funeral, mourning in silence.
"Twilight... we are... happy... right?" Rainbow Dash asked her despondent companion.
"Of course we are! We're living our dreams. You're a Wonderbolt and I'm working directly under Princess Celestia as one of her advisers. What more could we want?" Twilight stared at the mannequin of a mare holding her wailing, newborn foal. Rainbow Dash's eyes were locked on the exact same thing. Denial finally became too much for the pair.
"I don't know... somepony to come home to?" Rainbow Dash said, leaning her chin on the railing between her and the display.
"Somepony to walk around town with?" Twilight said, mimicking Rainbow Dash's movement.
"Somepony to bring home to my folks."
"Somepony to fill that empty spot on the bed."
"Who isn't a reptile," Rainbow Dash added.
"True that," Twilight said with a sigh. The two mares walked away from the depressing display. "I hate to say it, but there isn't much I wouldn't give for a coltfriend right now."
"I know how you feel," Rainbow Dash said. The two mares sighed again. They trotted along with their heads hung, missing the exhibits as they floated by. "What is it about us, Twilight? Why haven't we got anypony?"
"If I knew, I would tell you," Twilight said. For the third time that day, the two sighed in unison. "At least we can be single together." Twilight's observation did little to comfort her friend, and it honestly did nothing to comfort herself.
The two mares bumped into something headfirst. They backed up and looked up at the large, wooden display that was blocking their path. Their widened as they saw a semi-familiar visage displayed twice before them.
"Is that... Big Lugnut?" Rainbow Dash asked. The display had two metal stallion heads painted onto it, but their eyes were empty unlike the robot they once knew. Big Lugnut had come a long way since his days of being a machine, so he no longer resembled the ponies painted onto the sign. Twilight read the text on the display aloud.
"Canterlot History Museum is proud to welcome Nil and Null to their new, permanent home after their world tour."
"Nil and Null?" Rainbow Dash peered at her bookish friend. "Who are they?"
"They're the only two iron ponies left. Big Lugnut helped find them in his old resting place and they've been touring in museums around the world ever since," Twilight explained. Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow in response.
"Aren't they bugged by that? You know, being paraded around and shown off as artifacts?" Rainbow Dash's question came from the impression that all iron ponies were like Big Lugnut was: sentient. Twilight told her friend that was not the case with a shake of her head.
"They aren't activated. The last time they were activated they went on a rampage of sorts, so Nil and Null just keep on sleeping. The literature I've read about them says that there isn't a bit of organic life left in them," Twilight explained. Rainbow Dash looked back at the display and cocked her head to the side.
"So... they're just hunks of metal?" she asked. Twilight nodded. At their core, that was all they were. "I want to go see them." Rainbow Dash moved around the display and towards the hallway sectioned off by a red curtain. She poked her head through the side and slipped on in.
"Wait! Rainbow Dash! That's off limits!" Twilight hurried after her, ducking behind the curtain herself. Rainbow Dash had already wandered to the center of the half-built display. There, standing perfectly still on a pedestal, were the two imposing bodies of Nil and Null. The guard rail that would one day discourage curious hooves from reaching out and touching the two stallions lay in an unconstructed heap under the pedestal. "Rainbow Dash! We could get in big, big trouble for this!"
"Oh c'mon, Twilight. You're Princess Celestia's prized pupil and adviser, I'm a Wonderbolt, we know the pony who found these things, and we're both Elements of Harmony. I think they'll cut us some slack if they catch us here." Rainbow Dash went back to looking up at the dormant, iron stallions. Twilight had to admit that her friend had a very good point. The unicorn also had to admit she wanted to see the display for herself since she'd missed it at all the Equestrian locations.
"Alright, but just a quick peek." Twilight cantered over to the display to gaze up at Nil and Null with her friend.
"So, which one is Nil and which one is Null?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Nil is the unicorn and Null is the pegasus."
"Oookay." Rainbow Dash looked up at the hornless and wingless robots. "Once again, which one is which?"
"Nil is the one with the hole in his head and Null is the one with the holes on his sides," Twilight explained. She pointed up at Nil's head with her hoof. Rainbow Dash noted it briefly, but then turned her attention to Null's open sides.
"So he's supposed to be a pegasus? Where are his wings?" she asked.
"He was built with metal wings, but ancient records of his first activation say that the magic inside him destroyed them and replaced them with ones made of pure magic." Twilight looked back up at Nil. "The same thing happened to Nil and his horn."
"Wings made of pure magic? That sounds super awesome!" Rainbow Dash said, spreading her own wings.
"I agree. I can only wonder what having a horn made of pure magic would be like." Twilight continued to look up at Nil while Rainbow Dash stared up at Null. For a while, they stayed like that. Their eyes played over their rigid, metal features and they gazed into their dark, empty eye sockets. After a while, they both started wondering the same thing.
"How did Applejack get past the whole being made of metal thing?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight shrugged.
"Love finds a way... or something cheesy like that." Twilight looked over at Rainbow Dash. The pegasus was already looking at her with a hint of mischief glimmering in her eyes. "Rainbow Dash, maybe we should move away from the priceless artifacts before you decide to pull a prank."
"I think we should turn them on," Rainbow Dash said.
"Aaaaand now it's time to go." Twilight turned to leave, but Rainbow Dash grabbed her and spun the unicorn around pointing her right at the two robots.
"Just hear me out, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said, gesturing to Nil and Null with the hoof that wasn't around Twilight's neck. "These are two robots who will do whatever we tell them to do, right? You said there was almost nothing you wouldn't give for a coltfriend, so why not give a little magic to these two and let them do that job for the day? I mean, it worked out fine with Applejack and Lugnut, right?"
Twilight just stared at Rainbow Dash with wide eyes. She couldn't believe her friend would propose such a ridiculous idea. She told her friend the one, obvious reason why her plan was nothing but crazy talk.
"Nopony is going to believe our coltfriends are robots."
Rainbow Dash hadn't considered that. She had to admit she doubted the prospect that everypony would assume the two stallions were their significant others if they were robots. She wasn't about to give up on what she considered her greatest idea in a while.
"Can't we just... like, put hats on them or something?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight rolled her eyes and grunted.
"I don't think putting a hat on anypony ever served as an adequate disguise." That was when Twilight remembered something very important. "I could cast a 'Nothing Unusual Spell' like I did when we followed Spike in that dragon costume."
"Wait, you cast a spell to keep us hidden?" Rainbow Dash asked. "But you said Rarity just made us a great disguise."
"I may have lied. Don't tell her," Twilight said. Rarity had been proud of her "fabulous" dragon costume and Twilight couldn't bear the thought of the disguise failing on her. The "Nothing Unusual Spell" worked by making anypony or anything that saw the item the spell is cast on disregard any glaring abnormalities it might have.
"Mums the word, Twilight! But, you're saying that my plan could work, right?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight ran through the risks and rewards of the situation in her head. She narrowed her eyes and smirked.
"Stand back, Rainbow Dash."
Rainbow Dash moved away from Twilight and her targets, biting her lip in anticipation.
Twilight took a deep breath and charged her horn with magic. She reached out and grabbed the pair of stallions by their heads. She concentrated, feeling around their inner workings to get a sense of how to control them. Unlike when she tried to take control of Lugnut, she now had complete freedom to edit and change how the stallions operated. Twilight found the process of fully controlling Nil and Null very simple at it's core. She simply had to inject them with energy and telepathically provide them with a purpose. With her spell fully composed, she fired twin beams of violet energy at the automatons.
Rainbow Dash covered her eyes as the light from her friend's magic became too bright. When she put her hooves down, the first thing she noticed were the stallions' eyes. What once were two empty pits were now filled with violet light. Nil and Null's gears whirred as they stepped off the pedestal.
"Nil, ready for duty," the unicorn droned in his hollow voice as a crackling, purple horn extended from the hole in his head.
"Null, ready for duty," his pegasus counterpart said in the same, unnatural voice as two purple wings extended from his sides. Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked up at them and giggled to themselves.
"Okay, now I just need to cast my 'Nothing Unusual Spell..." Twilight lit up her horn again and let a cloud of her violet magic rise over the robots. The cloud dropped a sparkling haze over Nil and Null before disappearing completely. "There, now no one will notice that they're any different from anypony else."
"Well... I can still tell they're robots," Rainbow Dash said.
"That's because you know they're robots. When we followed Spike you didn't think you were a dragon, did you?" Twilight asked. Rainbow Dash just nodded and continued staring at the active automatons. "Alright, Rainbow Dash. These two should obey basic vocal commands and follow us wherever we go. Nil will act as my coltfriend and Null will act as your coltfriend. Sound good?"
Rainbow Dash looked up at Null. His luminescent eyes focused on an invisible, far away point.
"Uh... say something romantic!" she commanded.
"Something romantic," Null replied. Rainbow Dash looked over at Twilight.
"I never said they were perfect." Twilight trotted away from Nil, who plodded right after her. She made several circuits around the pedestal to make sure her spell was working. Nil never got more than two feet away from her. "Alright, what should we go do?" Twilight asked, coming to a halt next to Rainbow Dash and Null.
"Well... I don't know. What can we do with them that we couldn't do without Nil and Null?" Rainbow Dash and Twilight wracked their brains for a while.
"We could go shopping and make them carry all our stuff," Twilight suggested.
"Or we could go to a really sleazy bar and have them beat up anypony who tries to hit on us!" Rainbow Dash added.
"Rainbow Dash, that doesn't sound fun; it just sounds stressful and dangerous."
"Oh... well, let's just go with your idea then."
Twilight and Rainbow Dash held their heads high as they walked along with their robotic dates. Ponies watched them as they trotted down the street, but the looks on their faces were not the looks of ponies who had just seen two, large robots pass by. Rather, they were the looks of stallions wondering how such dour chaps managed to snag those two beautiful, confident, young mares. The mares stared too, wondering why two high quality mares like Rainbow Dash and Twilight were paired off with such dull partners.
"Look at all those stallions, Twilight! They're totally jealous!" Rainbow Dash whispered into her friend's ear. Twilight beamed and nodded, casting a glance at a cluster of confused stallions walking by. On a normal day, she wouldn't even acknowledge their presence, but today was far from normal. Twilight put her nose high into the air, just like any other Canterlot unicorn would do.
Rainbow Dash was enjoying herself as well. She always saw herself as bright, attractive, and all around awesome, but it was nice to see those things acknowledged on the faces of strangers. Her step had more spring it in as she walked side by side with Null.
The foursome made their way to Hoofington's, Canterlot's premiere shopping establishment. The complex housed department stores for shoes, dresses, bags, capes, hats, plumbing equipment, unitards, hoodies, monocles, suits, coats, suit coats, fabric, pianos, couches, stereos, cellos, bear traps, concrete, paper bags, and a food court. It was the perfect playground for two mares and a mecca for any filly who wanted to force their coltfriend to do hard labor for absolutely zero payout.
As the two mares walked into the building with their escorts, they both thought that surely, this wa the place where dreams came true.
"Alright... now what do we do?" Rainbow Dash asked. The two stallion and mare pairs stood at the entrance in silence for a moment.
"Uh... I guess we think like Rarity." Twilight's suggestion was all either mare needed to figure out how to proceed. The two mares led their robotic dates into the closest store and used them as mobile racks as they tore any dress or any scrap of clothing that caught their eye off the racks. They took their bounty to the dressing rooms once they'd been to every inch of the store. They tried on every article of clothing one by one and made Nil and Null watch. Like good coltfriends, they just stood by patiently and applauded when prompted to.
Neither Twilight nor Rainbow Dash were big on trying on clothes they had no intention of buying, so it only took a couple of rounds for them to grow tired of it. Instead, they began something of a contest to see which of their dates could carry the most stuff. Nil looked like he might be the victor, seeing as he could just levitate his load, but Null pulled off an upset by stacking object after object on his wings. Thanks to Twilight's "Nothing Unusual Spell", ponies regarded the two massive piles of assorted paraphernalia briefly and then went on their way.
"Maybe we should just call it a draw. I don't think I can fly anything else up there." Rainbow Dash stared up at the teetering tower on Null's back. Twilight was also looking up, but at the impressive number of objects Nil was levitating above his head.
"I guess this did get a little out of hoof," the unicorn said, turning to her friend. "This isn't quite as fun as I'd hoped."
"Well... we've only been at this for two hours! There has to be more to this coltfriend thing than we're seeing. What more is there?" Rainbow Dash asked. The two mares scratched their heads and puzzled over their problem for a while. They were so deep in thought, they didn't notice a familiar, pink alicorn approaching from behind.
"Twilight, Rainbow Dash!"
The two mares turned around and were greeted with a warm smile from Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Instinctively, they reacted by smiling back, but then they remembered who they were with. The two mares forced their smiles to stay up as they whispered to each other through their teeth.
"Is this a good thing or a bad thing?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Just play along!" Twilight broke company to give her sister-in-law a gracious hug. "Cadence! What are you doing here?" Twilight asked.
"Just doing some shopping, but not quite as much as you're doing," Cadence said. She looked up at the twin mountains of items as if it were perfectly normal for one to have to crane their neck to observe everything somepony has purchased. She then turned her attention to the two stallions underneath the mountains. "Impressive work you two." Cadence waited for the stallions to respond, but they just kept staring straight ahead. Their odd behavior made Cadence start to notice a few other things about the two stallions, but Rainbow Dash interrupted her thoughts.
"They're concentrating right now! They're in the zone, you know? It isn't easy to lift all this stuff," she said with a nervous chuckle.
Cadence stood and blinked for a few seconds. For some reason, she couldn't remember what had made the two stallions so suspicious. Everything made perfect sense again.
"Well, aren't you going to introduce me to these gentlecolts?" Cadence asked.
Rainbow Dash and Twilight looked at each other. It was evident from the look on their faces that they weren't one hundred percent sure how they should proceed; however, a series of nods confirmed that neither party was ready to give up on their charade just yet.
"These are our special someponies," Twilight said. She trotted up to Nil and put a hoof around his neck while Rainbow Dash did the same with Null. After a moment of pure shock, a huge smile spread across Cadence's face. Being something of an expert on love, she was ecstatic to see her little sister-in-law and her good friend with their special someponies. Even if there was something ever so slightly off about the stallions they were with, Cadence was happy if they were happy.
"That's absolutely wonderful! Oh... OH, you just have to come have dinner with me and Shiny tonight! And, and bring your friends here too, I mean, of course you would because they're your, well, you know! Oh, this is so exciting!" Cadence was bounding up and down, much like another pink pony Twilight and Rainbow Dash knew.
"Dinner sounds lovely, doesn't it boys?" Twilight asked Nil and Null.
"Agreed," droned Nil.
"Affirmative," Null added.
Cadence found nothing unusual about their utter lack of intonation.
"Great! Then we'll see you around seven! I've got to go and prepare, so you four can just keep on keeping on," Cadence said, turning to leave and giving the group a wave good-bye. She gave one last glance back at Nil and Null. Now that she looked a bit closer, she started to think they were both kind of cute. Cadence was not at all surprised that Twilight and her friend could nab such excellent catches.
Once Cadence was out of sight, Twilight and Rainbow Dash turned to each other with smug grins plastered across their faces.
"This is something, isn't it? Going to a dinner with your very special someponies, right? This should be fun," Twilight said. Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement and the two slapped hooves in victory. "Now what should we do until seven?" Twilight looked up at the hoard of unpurchased merchandise Nil and Null were still in possession of. She looked back at Rainbow Dash, who Twilight could tell by the look on her face had the same thought she did.
"We should probably put all this stuff back."
Twilight knocked on the door to Cadence and Shining Armor's house. She and Rainbow Dash had arrived a little early due to their inability to find anything else to do. After putting most of Hoofington's stock back in place, they'd done a little preparing for their dinner date. Both mares had donned modest dresses, despite how much Rainbow Dash abhorred them. Twilight put her mane up into a bun while Rainbow Dash opted for a simple braid. Their appearances were not over the top, but their they did betray their inner bookworm and athlete.
"Do you think we should have prepped Nil and Null a little more?" Twilight asked her friend while they waited for the door to open. Both mares looked back at the two robots. They appeared as they always did, except for the bow-ties they were sporting: Nil's was purple and Null's was blue in order to match their dates' dresses.
"Nah, they're fine," Rainbow Dash said, assuring her friend before the doors in front of them opened. It was not Cadence who answered, but instead her husband, Shining Armor, who greeted them warmly. The first thing he saw was the two stallions standing behind his baby sister and her friend. He resisted every urge to protect her from the strange, daunting stallion and put on his best, fake smile.
"Well, I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself. Cadence wasn't spinning a tale when she told me you snagged yourself a colt," he said. He approached Nil and extended his hoof. "Hi, I'm Shining Armor, Twilight's brother. It's nice to meet you."
Nil made no move to shake Shining's hoof. Twilight feigned a cough to hide a verbal command to shake hooves with her brother inside it. Nil's foreleg shot out and he wrapped his hoof around Shining Armor's. The robot dominated the hoofshake as Shining Armor found himself struggling in vain to slow him down. Twilight coughed again, ordering Nil to stop before he tore Shining Armor's leg off. After Nil let go, Shining Armor just stared at his empty hoof.
"Uh, hey... are you alright?" Rainbow Dash asked after seeing the distant expression on the stallion's face. Shining Armor shook it off and threw on a strained smile.
"Uh, yeah, great! You all should, uh, come inside. Cadence is still preparing dinner, so you can just relax in the parlor until everypony else arrives," he said. Shining Armor stepped aside and gestured his guests inside. He watched as Nil and Null allowed their dates to pass over the threshold before entering themselves. After Null passed by, Shining put out a hoof to stop Nil so he could have a word with him. Nil walked right into Shining's hoof and shouldered past without so much as flinching. Shining Armor lingered by the door a moment longer while he contemplated how he was overpowered twice in a row.
"You're expecting more guests?" Twilight asked her brother. Shining Armor snapped out of his brooding and shut the front door. "Who else is coming?"
"Just a few other ponies who were excited to hear you got a coltfriend, Twily," Shining Armor said, walking past his guests and ushering them into the sitting room. Twilight and Rainbow Dash took seats on the couch while Nil and Null stood by at their sides.
"Wow, exactly how many ponies did Cadence tell?" Twilight asked.
"Well, she told everypony she met," Shining Armor said, laughing at the memory of how excited Cadence had been to deliver the news. "Anyway, it's just Mom, Dad, and Princess Celestia who are coming."
Twilight Sparkle's heart stopped beating for an entire three seconds.
"Well, I'm going to see how Cadence is doing. You kids sit tight," Shining Armor said as he slipped into the kitchen. After fully entering the kitchen, he turned about and stuck his head back in the room. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" he added, looking specifically at the automaton unicorn. Nil's expression remained unchanged; he didn't even blink. Shining Armor slunk back through the kitchen door, wondering just where this stallion got all his guts.
It was right after Shining Armor left that Rainbow Dash noticed the look on Twilight's face. At first, she thought that maybe the unicorn was going to throw up, but then she wondered if Twilight had thrown up but she'd just missed it. Whether or not she had already thrown up, Twilight looked like she was about to set her lunch free.
"Hey... Twilight, do you need a trash can or something?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight's eyes went wide. She grabbed her friend by the shoulders and stared at her face.
"We have to turn them off!" she said. Rainbow Dash pushed her friend away from her and furrowed her brow.
"You mean turn Nil and Null off? Why, what's wrong?"
"I can't have a phony special somepony in front of Celestia!" Twilight explained, grabbing Rainbow Dash again and shaking her. Rainbow Dash extended her hooves and shoved Twilight onto her back.
"Calm down!" Rainbow Dash grabbed Twilight's head between her hooves and forced her to make direct eye contact. She waited for Twilight to take a few calming breaths before releasing her. "Now, explain yourself." She allowed Twilight to sit back up and explain calmly.
"My brother said that Princess Celestia is coming. I can't parade a fake coltfriend in front of her!"
Rainbow Dash deadpanned.
"But you're perfectly fine doing that in front of Cadence, your brother, and everyone else in Canterlot?" she asked. Twilight nodded furiously. Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and sighed. When it came to Twilight and her dealings with Princess Celestia, it was her way or the highway (unless Princess Celestia said otherwise). "Fine, we can turn them off."
"R-really? You're okay with that?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah, it's fine," Rainbow Dash said. "We can just say they're tired and went to sleep or something, and to be honest I'm not too keen on keeping this charade up in front of the Princess either."
"Great! I'll just switch them off and we can be done with it!" Twilight and Rainbow Dash got up from the couch so Nil and Null could flop down on it so they could pretend to be sleeping. Rainbow Dash watched as Twilight probed the automatons with her magic. The air was thick with magical tension. Nothing moved and nothing changed, and after about two solid minutes of nothing moving or changing Rainbow Dash decided to speak up.
"Uh, Twilight... everything okay?"
Twilight switched off her magic and looked over at her friend. She looked more than just mildly concerned.
"They don't... turn off," Twilight explained. Rainbow Dash didn't claim to be an expert on magic, but she didn't understand how such a thing was even possible.
"They have to turn off! They were off when we found them! You put the magic in there, can't you pull it out?" Rainbow Dash asked, but Twilight shook her head. If Twilight had a book about the subject on hoof, this would be there part where she would pull it out and tell Rainbow Dash what it said.
"From what I know about these two, they should just run out of magic eventually, but judging from how much magic I initially put in and how much they still have in them I predict they won't shut themselves down until tomorrow morning," Twilight said. Both mares turned and stared at the two robots splayed out on the couch.
"Hello everypony!" Cadence's greeting nearly scared Twilight and Rainbow Dash out of their hides. Cadence smiled at the mares, but then looked over at the two, stone faced stallions reclining on her sofa. "Are they... alright?"
"Oh... yes!" Twilight said, walking over to Nil and patting him on the belly. Each time her hoof struck the metal surface, a hollow clang could be heard. Thanks to Twilight's spell, Cadence didn't find anything wrong with this.
"Yeah, they're just tired from carrying all that stuff we made them carry," Rainbow Dash added, but she had trouble keeping the nervous edge out of her voice. "They're more tired than they are hungry, so they're thinking about sleeping to take care of that instead of doing the eating thing... with all of us and the Princess."
"Oh dear," Cadence said, bringing a concerned hoof to her mouth. Her eyes drifted to the side as some wheels began turning in her head. With a smile and a triumphant stomp of her hoof, she approached the stallions with her horn aglow. "I know a fantastic rejuvenation spell! They'll be ready and rearin' to go before you know it!"
"No!" both the young mares exclaimed in unison, surprising their gracious host.
"W-why not?" Cadence asked, a little weirded out by the pair's sudden outburst.
"Well... it's just that," Twilight began, searching for a viable reason in her brilliant brain. "We wouldn't want to put you out like that! You've just go so much to do: what with the dinner and everything."
"It's... really not a big deal at all," Cadence said, but neither mare was interested in hearing the other side of the argument. Rainbow Dash swooped over and started leading Cadence back towards the kitchen.
"No, no, don't worry about us! We'll be just fine. All four of us will. You just focus on getting ready for dinner and the Princess. It's not every night you eat with a Princess!" Rainbow Dash said, opening the door to the kitchen for Cadence and then pushing her in.
"B-but I am a Princess," Cadence managed to say before Rainbow Dash slammed the door in her face. The pegasus then rushed back to her friend who was still puzzling over what to do.
"Okay, what're we gonna do? How in Equestria are we going to switch them off?" Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight thought a moment more when she lit up with a sudden idea. She looked around the room, tearing drawers open to see if they contained what she was looking for. Rainbow Dash just watched as Twilight procured a quill, an inkwell, and a roll of paper. "Twilight, now is not the time to write a report to Princess Celestia!"
"I'm not writing to the Princess," Twilight explained. "I'm writing to Big Lugnut! He first encountered them in the ruins when they were last activated, so he must know how to shut them off!"
"Okay... that might work," Rainbow Dash said. "How are you going to do that though? He could be doing anything anywhere in Ponyville right now!"
"That's where you're wrong, my dear Rainbow Dash." Twilight finished off the letter with a flourish and rolled it up into a neat cylinder. "The Apples are like clockwork, so they're all sitting down to eat right now. I left Spike with them for the time I'm in Canterlot, so this letter should get to him post-haste!" With that, Twilight zapped her plea for help with a bolt of magic. The letter disintegrated into a could of ash and violet energy before zipping away and out of the house through an open window.
"I hope Spike doesn't skip dinner," Rainbow Dash said as she watched their last hope disappeared from sight.
"There's no way he'd skip dinner, not in the Apple house," Twilight assured her. "There's always homemade food, a warm atmosphere, and pleasant conversation. Why, I can picture just how it's all happening right now..."
"Lugnut! Git yer goshdern keister down here right this instant!"
"Quit your yelling already! I'm coming!"
Spike sat at the Apple's kitchen table and twiddled his thumbs. His past few days spent on Sweet Apple Acres had taught him several new and interesting things. One of those things is that nopony who values their life should try to say anything when Applejack and Big Lugnut argue. One is hormonal, the other is kind of dumb, and both parties are strong enough to buck a tree in two. Dinnertime is home to some of the more heated battles between the husband and wife, so of course dinnertime usually turns out to be an exercise in complete silence.
Everypony was present at the table, except for Lugnut and Pippin. Granny Smith, Fluttershy, Big Macintosh, and the rotund Apple Barrel sat with strained expressions while Applejack called into the hall. Applebloom stood by too, trying to keep a fussy, little Tinker from bawling. With all the yelling back and forth, Applebloom's was a difficult task.
"Hurry it up!" Applejack shouted. She turned the best she could and waddled back towards her seat at the end of the table. For somepony who was due to pop out another foal at the drop of her hat, she got around quite well. Fluttershy, on the other hoof, had to be escorted wherever she went, but being beautifully beleaguered in the belly she barely left the barnhouse's bed. It would take more that something as trivial as being pregnant to keep Applejack from going where she wanted.
"I'm here, I'm here! Just calm down, would you?" Lugnut stomped into the kitchen and dropped his rear end into his seat opposite from Applejack.
"Where's Pippin? I told you to get Pippin!" Applejack said, rapping a hoof against the table. Lugnut furrowed his brow and blew hot air out his nostrils, which was a universal sign that he was not happy.
"You told me to come back before I found her!" Lugnut replied.
"I told y'all to find her! Why didn't y'all do what I said?" Applejack asked, putting her front hooves on the table and rising up to her full height. Lugnut responded by slamming his own hooves on the table, an action that made everything on the table jump a good foot into the air before landing neatly back where it was with a collective bang.
"I did do what you said! You told me to come back, so I did! If you wanted me to find Pippin, you should've just let me do that!" Lugnut responded. Everypony at the table was doing their best to pretend the back and forth yelling wasn't happening, but little Tinker couldn't bear anymore. He began crying aloud, adding to the tension of the situation. Applebloom lifted him out of his high chair. She cradled the little colt close and shushed him, but her efforts were in vain against the continuing battle between Applejack and Lugnut.
"Now look what you went 'n did with all yer yellin'!" Applejack got her hooves off the table, but didn't get back into her seat. Instead, she left the table and started heading for the front door.
"Now, where do you think you're going?" Lugnut asked as he left the table to bar her way, which wasn't too hard since he could move much faster than his bloated spouse. "I'll go find Pippin! You're in no shape to be running around looking for her!"
"Well, since Ah obviously can't depend on you to get it done, Ah guess I'll have to!"
The two went back and forth out in the hallway for a few more minutes. While they were away, a little green filly trotted in through the back door. Without so much as a word to the other ponies at the table, she got up on her chair and began piling her plate with food. All the while, she hummed a merry little tune to herself.
"Uhm... Pippin, you do know your mother and father are looking for you, right?" Fluttershy asked. Pippin looked up with wide eyes, as if she'd just noticed there was even anypony else in the room. She blinked at her aunt once before returning to the task before her.
"I heard Ma 'n Pa hollerin' back 'n forth 'n what-have-y'all. I figured that meant it wuz tahme fer vittles, so I shimmied on down the tree outside mah winder 'n waited fer them to turn their backs. Ah'm hungry 'n all, but it just don't make a lick ah sense tuh me tuh stick 'round 'n git leck-toured er whipped. Ah'm just gonna take these here vittles an eat 'em up in mah room. If'n Ma asks whar I am, tell her I'm in the clubhouse cuz I know she'll high-tail it out there 'n it'll take 'er fer'ever. If'n Pa asks whar I am, I reckon y'all kin just tell him the truth." Pippin took her loaded plate into her mouth and headed for the stairs. "Grnight yrll!" she called back before disappearing. Mere moments after she'd disappeared, the whole house shuddered as the front door slammed. Lugnut stomped back to the table and planted himself back in his chair. Everypony at the table assumed the absence of Applejack meant that Lugnut had failed to convince her leaving to find their daughter was a bad idea.
"Well... I guess we're waiting," he said in a low grumble. Nopony at the table was sure whether or not they should tell him about what had transpired while he was away, but they became distracted when Spike suddenly belched a tongue of green flame. Out of the residual smoke dropped a neatly folded scroll. It fell on Lugnut's empty plate and rolled open.
"Is that a letter from Twilight?" Fluttershy asked, leaning over to get a look at it for herself.
"Yeah, but it's addressed to me," Lugnut said. He squinted down at the letter and read it aloud.
Dear Big Lugnut,
I apologize for interrupting during dinnertime, but Rainbow Dash and I really need your help. Time is of the essence, so I don't want to go into too much detail in this letter. The long and short of it is this: we need to know how to turn off Nil and Null. If you could respond A.S.A.P., we would be in your debt forever.
Desperately,
Twilight Sparkle
"Now why would Twilight need to know somethin' like that?" Applebloom asked, still rocking a much calmer Tinker in her hooves. Lugnut got up and procured the necessaries for writing a letter from a drawer in the next room.
"I'm no genius, but my guess would be she needs to turn Nil and Null off. Those two are nothing but trouble," Lugnut said. He dipped his quill in some ink and began penning some very basic instructions for Twilight. When he finished, he presented the letter to Spike. The dragon didn't take it immediately. He looked up at Lugnut and voiced his concern.
"I don't think Twilight would be dumb enough to turn on those things. I read that book Twilight had on them-"
"The one I helped write?" Lugnut said. The word "helped" was operative, seeing how the book was kind of about him and what he used to be. Lugnut put the letter into Spike's claws. The dragon rolled his eyes, but he sent off the letter in another tongue of flame anyway.
"I guess, yeah, but the point is that she knows how dangerous they are. She wouldn't turn them on without a perfectly good reason."
"Are... you sure they're okay?" Cadence asked. The Princess had returned from the kitchen right after Twilight sent the message off and began asking about Nil and Null again. She was beginning to find it extremely odd that the two ponies were just sprawled out on her couch with such stern expressions on their faces as they stared off into space.
"They've never been better!" Rainbow Dash assured the Princess, barring her from getting too close to the two stallions.
"I'll believe when I can hear it from them," Cadence replied.
"They can't!" Twilight countered, but her response earned her a suspicious gaze from Cadence. Twilight pondered an explanation for why their dates couldn't confirm their physical well-being. "They're trying to sleep!"
Cadence leaned around Rainbow Dash and got a good look at the two stallion's unchanging faces.
"... I think they're trying too hard." Before Cadence could pry any further, there was a knock at the door. Her curiosity about the two stallions kept her in the sitting room, but Shining Armor exited the kitchen and began crossing towards the door.
"Cadence, that's probably the Princess and my folks. Are you coming?" he asked his wife as he urged her on with a hoof. With her focus shifting between Nil and Null and the door, Twilight's "Nothing Unusual Spell" began curbing her suspicions behind the scenes.
"Uh, yes... yes, let's go," she said. She walked with her husband towards her front door, but cast one last look towards the two stallions on her couch on the way out. She couldn't remember what she found unusual about them, and that in itself seemed strange to her.
Back in the sitting room, Twilight and Rainbow Dash heaved a collective sigh, but they tensed back up when they realized they had just run out of time with the arrival of the Princess.
"This is it! Oh please, Lugnut, help us!" Twilight said, putting her hooves together and raising them towards heaven. In answer to her prayers, a scroll appeared before her in a burst of green flames. She grabbed it in her telekinesis and read the two lines scrawled on the paper.
Make Nil zap Null. It worked for me.
Twilight crumpled up the note and tossed it behind her before rushing over to Nil and Null.
"What did it say, what did it say?" Rainbow Dash asked. She leaned over and stole a look into the hall leading to the front door. Sure enough, Princess Celestia was standing there with Twilight's parents. The group was still exchanging greetings with Shining Armor and Cadence, but it was clear there wasn't much time left. "You know what, you don't need to tell me. Just do whatever it says!"
Twilight didn't need to be told twice. She blasted Nil with a bolt of magic that contained her command. Nil, in turn, let a purple bolt of energy fly out and hit Null. Null's body began rattling, sparking, and droning out nonsense. Energy exited his own body and went into Nil, which caused Nil to start acting just like Null. Twilight and Rainbow Dash backed off from the two of them, fearing the worst possible outcome.
Nil and Null ceased all activity. The two mares noted that the two had returned to their wingless, hornless, and empty eyed state. Thinking fast, Rainbow Dash grabbed a blanket draped over a nearby chair and threw it over the two robots. She made sure to cover Nil's hornless head and Null's wingless body, and she did it just in time.
"Twily, Ms. Dash, you can come to the dining room for dinner now," Shining Armor said as he poked his head inside the sitting room. "Are your dates coming?" Rainbow Dash and Twilight's eyes darted back and forth between their deactivated dates and Shining Armor.
"No... they're tired and fell asleep," Twilight said without any inflection. She and Rainbow Dash waited for Shining Armor to speak. They waited a painful, full, two seconds for him to say something.
"That's too bad. Well, you two should still come along," he said before exiting back into the hall. Once he was gone, Twilight and Rainbow Dash just kept staring at where he had been. They bumped hooves without looking at one another.
"That was too close," Twilight said.
"Yeah... this... wasn't a good idea at all," Rainbow Dash said, confessing their initial plan's innate insanity.
"Agreed. I don't think I'll be looking for a good colt for a while to come now," Twilight added.
"I hear you. This dating thing is too complicated." Rainbow Dash moved around the table and out into the hallway, closely followed by Twilight Sparkle. They left Nil and Null laying on the couch alone and undisturbed. The room was peaceful and silent, and with the blanket over them it was just as if they were sleeping like anypony else. Thanks to Twilight's persistent "Nothing Unusual Spell", that is exactly what Cadence thought was going on when she entered the room on her way to the kitchen. She took one look at Null's sleeping face and tutted.
"I know Twilight wouldn't want me to... but it just isn't right for you two to sit this out. You're their coltfriends for goodness's sake." Cadence's horn lit up a light blue as she composed her rejuvenation spell. The spell jumped from her horn in two, graceful and flowing arcs of energy. The two beams landed on Nil and Null, the effects of which made them glow with a pale, blue aura. "And you'll be excellent coltfriends! That's what you've got to do. You've got to be good to them, listen carefully to what they say, do what's best for your relationship, and above all love them. Love, love, love, love, love them! If you're not sure what to do, never be afraid to ask for help. When it comes to romance, everypony is your friend and ally.
"Oh, and don't be the kind of coltfriends that just bend over and do whatever your marefriends say. You've got to make some of your own decisions. You're ponies too and you need to make them respect that. It's like I said; do what's best for the both of you. It's a two pony thing, not a one pony thing. It'll only work if you're trying your hardest to arrive at some common good. Now what could be better than living together in harmony? I know they'll be difficult at times, but just keep keeping on. I don't know much about you two, but if you've gotten this far you've got potential! Love Twilight Sparkle... uh... Twilight's special somepony, and you love Rainbow Dash... Rainbow Dash's coltfriend." Cadence cut her spell off and trotted towards the kitchen. Neither stallion moved, but their bodies continued to pulsate light blue. "Ah, sorry for running my mouth. Love is sort of my area of expertise and I just get so worked up. I'm sure you didn't need to hear all that, but I just want to make sure you make those mares happy. Now go out there and get to work! Everything will work out fine," Cadence said with a laugh. She was all the way into the kitchen when something stirred on the couch.
With blue lights in their eye sockets, Nil and Null sat back up on the couch. Nil's horn extended and Null's wings grew from his sides.
"Nil, ready for duty."
"Null, ready for duty."
"New directive initiated."
"Initializing prime function."
The two robots rotated their heads to look at one another. After a few seconds of doing that, they faced forward and started looking around the room. Nil levitated various pieces of furniture and inspected the areas under them while Null flew about the room and peered around every nook and cranny.
"Error: cannot acquire desired target Twilight Sparkle," Nil droned. He levitated the couch with his magic and made one last check to see if she was located beneath it. The test returned negative results. "Function 'Love' cannot initiate until target is present." Null flew down from the ceiling and landed beside his metal brother.
"Null cannot locate target Rainbow Dash. Query: how should this unit proceed?" Null and Nil just stood around for a moment, thinking. "Suggestion: expand search area."
"Affirmative, expanding search area," Nil said. Nil wandered over to the open window, but was stopped when Null landed before him.
"Requesting cooperative action with Nil," Null said, extending a forehoof to Nil.
"Affirmative." Nil reached with his own forehoof and touched it to Null's. "Commencing cooperative search program. Nil will search areas on the ground and Null will attempt to locate Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash from the air."
"Program accepted. Initiating." Null flapped his wings once and took off through the open window. The window was only open a crack, so the pane flew right off the hinges as he smashed through it. Nil's exit was much more graceful as he simply used his magic to neatly dislodge the window's glass. The pane fell outward, allowing Nil to step out unimpeded into the night.
With the two stallions gone, the sitting room was silent once again.
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Robotic Stallion: Love Machines
Robotic Stallion: Love
Stallion: Love
Stallion
Love
YES
This story was awesome. That's all I can say. That's all I need to say.
WELL SHIT I do believe we have something interesting on our hands...
Borg Sex - Joe Satriani
I dunno.
I like...I like VERY much!
first when i saw it i thought it was a clopfic inspired by big lugnut then i saw who made it and the missing mature tag and it got me happy lol
wow, AI ponies, I was going to write a story about an AI pony, my premise though was far more, complicated. This is fairly straightforward, I like it a lot.
All of my yes!
Edit after reading: That was great! I've been hoping for more robotic pony shenanigans for a while now, and this hit the spot nicely.
Edit much later: Featured box! Well, non-mature featured box that is.
One of these days I'll follow you. I keep meaning to, but my browser won't let me.
Soon...
They may be robots but they know how to pleasure a mare.
alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/png/neutral-if-you-know-what-i-mean.png
You had me at heterosexual shipping.
...
Certainly... Interesting.
*Facepalms* Oh god, so awesomes. Bravo, just bravo!
Hey, a sequel. Good stuff. Looking forward to seeing how it all plays out. Keep it up!
Oh god! SO watching this!!!
*reads last chapter of first story. Sees link*
Oooooooh shit.
*clicks*
OOOOOOOH SHIT.
You sir deserve a pizza.
1692681
... Thank you... pizza is... it's... it's all I ever wanted...
Thank you...
moemoerabu.net/images/anime_randoms/Gurren%20Lagann%20-%2008%20-%2001.jpg
CADENCE! You should be in the Crystal Empire ruling it not accidentally causing Twilight and Dash to have robot stalkers.
Oh dear, this can only end too well and with much hilarity!
I wasn't so sure about a sequel, but my doubts have been most certainly quelled. Can't wait for more.
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/if-you-know-what-i-mean-420x250.png
I find myself imagining Nil and Null's voices to sound similar to HAL's voice for Nil and a cyberman for Null.
There is going to be a lot of: "ERROR. 'Love' not found"
Eventually, it's all going to boil down to "what is this thing you call 'love'?"
1697709 Actually it would end with every pony in equestria singing "What is Love?".
Oh dear. This... This should be good.
puu.sh/1vamx
Too bad I couldn't find one of a more preferred pony.
1699056
No. To large a scale.
You know how Twilight says that there isn't any organic part left inside Nil and Null? That pretty much guarantees that there is some left. In the story's title image, they look aware, like a pony. Not like some machine. In fact, I can already see this ending two ways. They deem themselves unfit or to dangerous for loving RD and Twilight and try to shut THEMSELVES down, or they finally grasp that love is unexplainable and either become real ponies or become the first fully sentient robots. Heck, the only satisfying endings would be a happy ending or a bittersweet ending.
Okay. I have just realized that Twilight and Rainbow Dash are the WORST girlfriends ever. If they can't think of anything better for having a boyfriend than them carrying stuff, it's no wonder they havn't been attracting anypony. Let's hope that they change as well by the end of this story.
1692755
Do you mind if I write a critique on this as it is written?
1713648
If you really want to, I don't mind.
1713709
Why thank you!
I got a private giggle out of this:
1. Robotic Stallion Big Lugnut inspired me to write "Twilight and the Spartan Stallion."
2. In the story, Spartan is first released by Twilight from a statue-like stone form in a museum.
3. Nil and Null are released much the same way.
I am very excited to see a sequel, and certainly look forward to the shinanigans that will come from this. The only thing I would beg and beg for, is that you make sure to pound it into our heads which is which between the two of them. They have similiar names, similiar "personalities", similiar bodies and body language--- make sure you really go out of your way to separate them as characters, or we the readers will constantly mix them up.
I can see not everything is sunshine and rainbows in the Apple Household, but hey, such is life. Marriages are not perfect, and the big family is certainly energetic! Perhaps that is a lesson Twilight and Rainbow will learn? I bet it shall. Just remember, not so many story lines this time! The last one had... what... seven? Eight? I was pulling my hair out trying to keep up with it all! ...on a personal note, I love that you have hand-waved Pinkie Pie out of the story. I despise that mare.
Looking forward to more like I look forward to an ice cream sammich!
1715048
1715059
Oh ho ho, I am way ahead of you on that one. At this point, though, there really aren't differences between them. One has a horn and the other has wings. Whatcha gonna do?
And puh-leeeeeze, Mr. Shield. This is Lugnut's successor, so of course there are gonna be subplots. Take comfort, though, for they shall be wound together quite neatly. I promise you won't feel like you're keeping track of completely irrelevant events.
Also:
1715059 Could it be? Another that doesn't like Pinkie?
1736142 I bucking despise pinkie.
1736205 The too many Pinkies episode killed me man.
1736205
1746884
I would have thought that Pinkie-Haters would love Too Many Pinkie Pies, as the ending showed loads of Pinkie's being zapped out of existence for being annoying.
One survived though, but I guess you can't have everything.