The Psychopath Interviews

by The Psychopath

Dreams and minds

(The characters here come from Jet_Black1980. Keep in mind that Jet_Black likes to write in First person and that he still only used one character, technically speaking)

I lay my head back against the pillow after I have wished myself good night. Score one tiny victory for yourself H.B. You turned off a light. Kudos. Now if you can actually get along with the others and just get through this stupid fucking year.
I wonder what will happen. Will I get taught by each of the Mane Six as the year progresses? I have Applejack now, who will I have next? I don’t want Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy might be nice. Well that’s almost a given...
As I ponder these things, my mind becomes more and more clouded my thoughts fewer and fewer until finally...

---

“And I say that we were being an insufferable snit.” Yu said.

“Yu, you mean a Bitch. That’s the Right word for what we were being. A Bitch.” Mi replied.

The human male and female pony were sitting at what looked to be a coffee shop of sorts. Mi was in his late 30’s and had a mess of wavy-curly hair that mopped his head, his skin was slightly a shade of olive, and his face bore a goatie. Yu on the hand, or better yet, hoof, looked almost like Heartbreak in the waking world. With the exception of her cutie mark being broken in half.

She glared at her counterpart. “We can’t say that word out loud so I am not saying it here.”

Mi rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever. This has to be one of the stranger dreams I’ve had-we’ve had. I didn’t think that we would ever see each other again.”

“Why not? We’re of the same mind, you and I. Or is that Yu and Mi?” She rolled her sparkly blue eyes. Along with the state of their hair and ‘cutie marks’ this was another trait the two shared in common.

“That might be, but the Creativi-tea is gone. Out of our system. We should be...normal now.” He grimaced.

“Mi, we’re never normal. You ought to know that.” Yu replied. A small smile formed on her face.

“A-a-are you smiling?” He asked. “Wait! Did you make a joke?”

“We can do that, right? This is a dream isn’t it? It would be logical to assume that we are -mostly- safe here.” Yu replied.

“Mostly being the key word here. Dreams are like moods, they are like the seasons of the soul. A ever changing multi-coloured expressive mind-spolosion.” He said, trying to let his inner poet out.

Yu rolled her eyes. “Pffffft, you know that silver tongued hippy nonsense isn’t going to get to me, Mi. Besides we both know that dreams are nothing more than the minds way of recycling through memories and creating situations that may never happen in the waking world. There are evolutionary advantages to dreaming you know.”

“My way sounded prettier.” Mi stared at his counter part. Back on Earth he had dreamed of talking to a pony, or even being one. But of course that he was talking to one or he was one? All this was a different matter. He frowned for a moment and shook his head. He wasn’t going to accept what happened to him as of yet. But Yu was right about this being a dream. Anything could happen in dreams... He eyed Yu’s hoof laying on the table. Reaching forward he cautiously touched it. Yu glared at him.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“I’m curious about what this feels like.” He explained.

“You can feel it when we wake up. One of the things that we both actually agree on is that we aren’t ready for any sort of, ‘self exploration.’ I would like to keep it that way, Mr. Mi.” Yu said recoiling a little.

Mi smirked and folded his hands. “Then I guess it is wrong to love ourselves isn’t it?”

Yu gawked and looked sickened. “Mi! That’s just!”

“Don’t get your panties in a twist, Miss Yu. I wouldn’t think of myself in that manner. That’s just... gross and horribly narcissistic. But Yu can’t blame Mi for getting touchy feely sometimes. After all, I am the emotional counterpart here.” He explained.

“Truth.” Yu replied, sticking her hoof through the handle of a glass and drinking from it.

“I found youuuuuuuuuu!” shouted a tiny voice above the two characters.

It seemed to just be fairy wings with dust sprinkling all over the place, then it landed on the table they were sitting at, quietly moving its wings forwards and backwards as it “sat” in place. It made no sound afterwards, as if taunting one’s curiosity or need to smash it with a ripe fury just freshly picked.

The two of them looked at what just landed on the table. There was a look of repulsion on both their faces. As if they had just smelled something horrible. “What the fet/fuck are you?” They asked in near unison.

That wings fluffed up a bit and placed themselves side by side, scattering a bit more dust everywhere. It was not fairy dust or pixie dust. It was just dust.

“You don’t recognize me?” it said in a saddened voice.

Mi frowned. “I can’t say that I do. And not to be insultive, but both of us have been rather soured on fairies, thank-you-very-much!”

“Mi, don’t be mean to the fae thing, after all that’s how we got in trouble the last time. Remember? One of the rules of the Fae is...” Yu egged.

“Never forget a dept, pay all in kind. A good deed for another, a slight for a slight. An eye for an island, a tooth for the tooth fairy. Fine. But I am not making any bones about not liking our conversation being interrupted!” He said glaring at the floating thing and crossing his arms.

“Problems? You mean like Titanic rear-end and the eight davincies? Don’t ask me where I got that name. Traveling through worlds is so much fun...I could just-” the fairy spun in the air a bit, before exploding as it shouted:”COLD COFFEE FOR EVERYONE!”

Several gallons worth of the bitter beverage spewed everywhere, and those who didn’t touch Mi and Yu hopped up and began to move around like brown slugs. On the table stood a smiling, colorful pony wearing a top-hat. His pink, swirly-eyes just stared straight forward as the Illogic had just arrived for some fun.

The two halves of the same whole just blinked and stared. Then they looked at the other. “I’m blaming you for this.” They said in unison again.

The colorful stallion suddenly wore a suit of samurai armor and began to speak with an accent from Nippon:”You insurt eachother. That is dishonorable. You RACK DISCIPRINE!”

Yu looked at Mi. “Alright, I don’t remember watching any horribly racist things targeted towards Japan when we were young. Did you?”

Mi looked at the swirling vortex of madness in the form of a stallion. He pushed Yu behind him protectively and glared at it inquisitively. “That’s be...cause... We didn’t...” He said pausing and mock poking at it. “Yu...Remember how I knew Hosi wasn’t part of us?” He glared at the strange swirling insanity before him. “I don’t think this is either...”

Psycho approached Mi’s face with the utmost limit of distance and spun his eyes:”Tis but the Illogic, Hyuuuumaannnnnn.” the colorful stallion immediately back-flipped off the table and splashed into the ground as if it were made of water.

Yu pulled close to Mi. “You think this is Hosi? I didn’t like Hosi. He was laughing at the fact that we were about to die and I’m pretty sure was the cause of said dying.”

Psycho put his forelegs around the two and had a face of concern...a mask of concern placed on his face and told the two: “Wow. What a jerk. Reminds me of The Sociopath. It’s a good thing he can’t get into dreams, huh? Aha.” the stallion slowly moved away without moving his legs and reached the side of the coffee shop.

Again the both of them look totally confused. “Yu, I am totally lost...” Mi responded.

“Of course you don’t.” Psycho shouted”How can you understand the Illogic?” he now spoke from inside of Yu’s head.”The Illogic is fun, and I know about your fairy problem. In-fact, I know a few others with your predicament, but just not with the same causes. Isn’t this fun?” the colorful stallion rotated gently upwards as he curled up and giggled.

“Fascinating. Mi, I think we would like to wake up now.” Yu said frowning.

“I couldn’t agree with yu anymore...” Mi replied.

“Who said I was part of your dream world?” Psycho went close to both characters and jammed hot sauce into their mouths, making them scream as the spiciness actually managed to affect their tongues.“See? That’s not a dream.”

The two of them screamed in surprised pain, gagging and sweating slightly. Mi glared at whatever this thing in front of them. “That means nothing! Besides, he’s here. Logically he’s here.”

“Yu, remember the whole no taunting?” Mi asked. “Yeah, we should stop doing that.” Mi looks at the Psycho. “What the fuck do you want?”

“Such a foul language.” Psycho mocked with a nun’s clothing”I think we can come to an agreement. I hate fairies quite a lot. They can be fun, but they are too evil.” Psycho smiled as he disappeared behind a ray of light.

The both of them frown. “What sort of ‘deal’?” Yu asks.

“Yu, another rule of the fae? Never make deals.” Mi says glaring at Psycho.

“A member of the fae? I’m being swindled by a frog.” Psycho said as he tightened a strange tie while standing on Yu’s head.”I am not a fae, I assure you. I am a herald of the Illogic, and I know what happened to you. I was told by another member who witnessed everything. The Illogic knows everything because it is illogical .Remember colorful T.V.s? Uh-oh. SEIZURE!” a few screens blinking rapidly in many colors appeared in front of the stallion, making him foam tremendously from the mouth, only to shave some weird gotee that just grew with it.

The both of them look at each other. “Is he dead?” Yu asked.

“Could Delirium die, Yu?” Mi asked.

“Well... Dream died... and Death died once in awhile, Despair was hinted at dying, and we did get to see Destiny die too.” Yu replied, thinking of obscure Sandman the Dreaming references. “There should have been another member of the Endless..”

“Really, and who do you think that would be?” Mi asked.

“Doubt.” Yu replied.

“Really? Doubt was Despair’s territory. There didn’t need to be another member, Yu. But speaking about doubt, the issue at hand...” Mi said. Yu glared at her male counterpart.

“What?”

“I hate you sometimes...” She replied, pointing at her hoof.

“We can have hoof problems later Yu, right now.... This ...thing...” Mi said. “You haven’t answered our question. What do you want?”

Psycho formed a wider smile on his face as he wiped the foam away.

“I just want some questions answered. Simple questions, and in return, I’ll prank all those fairies that did this to you. There are so many to prank. Maybe use a bell and some itching powder, or glue their legs to their heads. So many things!” Psycho threw his arms in the air with joy.

The both of them looked at the other. There was a mix of emotions that was drawn on their faces. Mi looked like he was about to open his mouth.. Yu glared at him. “Give us a moment...” Yu said.

“Don’t worry. I don’t know what their powers are, but if they can read minds, they can’t here. Even if they are trying, and looking through a screen, I’m pretty sure they are being turned into popsicles with all the snow they’re getting.” the stallion suddenly got caught in a tremendous blizzard which pushed him back with immense strength as he held onto his winter coat.”Kinda like this.”

The both of them frowned. “I don’t think...” Mi started. “You understand us.” Yu continued. Mi started to walk around the stallion. “We don’t want to hurt them.” He started. “We could care less about that.” Yu replied. “What we really want...” Mi whispered. “Is to know why...” Yu said staring at him blankly.

“Because I just want to know about everypony I meet, even a human male turned mare. And my pranks are not hurtful. They just are pranks. If you want pain, you can ask The Sociopath who belongs to the...World of Insanity...”Psycho growled for a moment, then regained his posture.”His world is one of pain and murder. He could kill them if he wanted to.”

The both of them frown at Psycho, and for a moment... a small horrifying moment there is a flicker of ....something in their eyes. A flash of white that mixes with black, forming sharp shapes. “We don’t want that either...” They say together. “You have questions.” Yu says. “That’s fine,” Mi replies. “But we don’t want you pranking them. Period.” They say together in a voice that almost hisses.

Psycho just stared at the shape and laughed. “I wonder what Click Clock would say about this? Now then, do you have family? Your true family. Not the one that Tia-Tia made for you.”

The expression on Mi’s face crumbles and Yu comforts him. “Seriously? You have to ask about that?!” Mi shouts

“Shhhh, he might not-” Yu starts.

“Of Course he Knows! Nobody on that world remembers us! At all! We were ripped out of the world! We had family... we had friends... but even then they don’t remember us...” Mi sniffed hard. “Like reverse Alzheimer's...” He glares at the stallion in front of him.

“Eheeheee. That is why The Illogic is so much fun! You can do things you can’t do with just your borrrring self.” he said with trembling forehooves.”Soh, wiil yu answer me questions?” he spoke in a piratish accent.”If you don’t answer, I’ll stay with you in both dream and reality.” he said as he sat on his rear with his forelegs crossed and his lips puffed up.”You don’t even want me to prank the fairies.” he looked to the side, annoyed.

The both of them frown. “Fine. We’ll answer your questions.” They reply. “But then you leave.”

“...Your dreamworld. The Illogic might still be watching you. After all, you did catch a glimpse of the World of Insanity.” Psycho gave an evil grin.”The Illogic hates the Insanity.”

“You’re watching anyway,” Yu replies.

“Ask your fucking questions already...” Mi states, there is still a strangeness about the pupils of his eyes...

“I am not the Illogic. The Illogic is what it is. I simply am one of those who represents it. It is not because I watch that I am watching.” Psycho stated with a haughty tone. “Now, about that previous question.”

“What about it?” They ask together.

“You don’t answer, I don’t leave. Just one individual belonging to your family.”

“What’s the fetting Question?” Yu asks.

“Do.You.Have.Famiry.” Psycho asked, throwing his hooves forward several times.

“Yes...” They replied.

“And who be they? They are not ponies. This much I know.”

The both of them look exceptionally reluctant to tell. “What’s to tell? We...I come from a broken family. Mom was emotionally traumatized when she was a child and that bled through as a parent. We have...had... two brothers and a sister. We got along better with our brothers than we did with our sister. Then there was...” the both of them roll their eyes. “Our dads.”

“Dadzzzz? In plural?” Psycho gave a naughty look as his pupils swirled upwards.

Mi frowned. “Yes. Though it’s more like, my father and my dad. The man who sired me...” Yu put a hoof on his shoulder. “And the one that raised us. Both of them are jerks.”
“I thought this kind of touching wasn’t allowed, Yu.” Yu rolled her eyes. “This is a touchy subject, and we aren’t doing any... fondling. Ew.” Mi gacked. “Yeah. Ew, ew, Ew.”

“Ewww! What are you talking about? I was thinking of grilled cheese sandwiches. Vhat iz wrong vis you? Anyways, where do you now live?”

“Currently we live with Twilight, “ Yu replied. “But who knows how long that mary sue arrangement will last.” Mi continued. Yu stared at her counter part. “Really? We are not a mary sue. We are a poor mare with nowhere else to live. We are fetting lucky that she took us in at all.”

“Twilight? I know her. I used to wove her...then she rejecting me.” Psycho’s head literally smashed into the ground, then it popped back up with worms wearing helmets crawling all over his face”Then I met somepony else! And don’t you mean a poor m-”

The both of them glared at Psycho. “What’s the matter, Psycho was it?” Mi asked. “Suffer from a moment of ...heartbreak?” Yu chimed.

“Several times really. I remember back when I foal-sitted Tia-Tia and Woona, I met many pretty mares. None liked me. Oh well, I finally met one!” he smiled with a wide grin.

“Until you break their heart... or they break yours...” Mi mutters.

“What’d you say there boyo? Speak up! I can’t hear much anymore.” Psycho held a hearing horn next to his ear as he wobbled like a senile old man.

“He said nothing,” she glared at her counterpart. “Next. Question. Please.”

“Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm.” Psycho hummed as he continued to take diverse positions, such as the famed Thinker statue, or a statue of Apollo, and eventually stood on Mi’s head as he looked out on the horizon.

Mi glared up at this stallion. “Off my head please.” He stated glowering. “Next question please.”

“Let us-a see.” Psycho now has a table on Mi’s head and was sipping hot chocolate like a sir.”Mmmmm. Where did you live and where do you now live?”

“You already asked the ‘where do you live,’ question. Where we lived was in Minnesota, the Twin Cities area.” Yu explains.

“Indeed I did. Do you have any powers? Because splitting your mind seems like a thing of the Illogic, and it’s quite fun. SLURRRRRRRRRRP!” the colorful stallion shouted as he drank his beverage.

The two of them look at each other. “We’re not doing this on purpose are we?” Yu asked. “Not to my knowledge, but fuck, as far as I know? No ‘powers’ that aren’t outside of a normal earth pony.” He frowned and muttered about something. “We do however have plenty of flaws. Powers. Oh yes, I want to be an X-Man!” “X-Mare, Mi.” Yu corrected. “Quiet, yu...”

Yu stuck out her tongue and gave Mi a funny look.

“X-men? You man walking Xs? Sounds educational.” Psycho frowned and hopped off Mi’s head.

Mi frowns some more. “Next...Question Please! I want this dream to end. I have to deal with Applejack in the morning. Oh sure we get sleep in the comfy bed tonight, but I didn’t want to sleep in the same house as Big Mac last night!”
Yu rolls her eyes “Like I wanted to do that either. Gawds. The words that came out of our mouth.” The both of them shudder. “Best not think about it.”

Psycho smiled, then he approached Yu real close-like.”Sounds like rove to me. Someone getting the lovey doveys?”

The both of them turn green. “Seriously? Back off.” Yu says. “Gack! Gross! And how fucking sue! Oh look! It’s Big Mac, the ponyville bicycle! Oh hey! We’re a mare! We should tooootally try that! NOT.” He facepalms. “And then there is the Other thing I hate, the moment we show any sign of being uncomfortable around stallions, ‘oh it must be love!’. What a convoluted contrived thought!”
Yu rolls her eyes. “And then of course the illogical one over here is going to say something along the lines of ‘we think that the mare and ma-a-a-an protest too much.’ I almost miss the idea that we could have a drinking game based around cleshes.”

“No no no. That doesn’t work. Let’s try saying that again. Say, MAAAAAN.” Psycho was now in some weird box with recording equipment, and he looked deadly cereal about his job.

Yu glared at Psycho. “Ask your next question...”

The box imploded, and out of the hole came the stallion dressed as a reporter:”Ahhhhh...do you have a backstory?” he shoved the mic into Yu’s face, literally.

Mi smacked the mic away from Yu’s face and glared at Psycho. He then proceeded to put himself between Yu and the weirdo. “You mean what happened to us? Sure. Who doesn’t have a back story? Once upon a time there was a human male who wanted nothing more than to be loved, but being a bit of a shut in, didn’t know how to really get it. So he set upon a slew of relationships and experimentations in his twenties. All of them ending in medicore failures. All but the last one... Anyway! Little did he know that most of these relationships were with the fae. Yup the Fae! Turns out that they still exist but they keep themselves hidden from the modern world or some shit. They weren’t happy with how they were treated and wanted revenge, so they kidnapped him, and banished him to Equestria as a mare.”

Yu picks up the story. “Where ...she... was found crashing into Twilight Sparkle’s window, after the other five show up and assess the situation, they take her to the Princess. Twilight thinks that she can get our stranger back home. But it turns out that the link between the worlds was severed and there is no way back. Said, ‘pony’ is horrible unstable and the Princesses solution to this is to wipe our memory!”

“That Fucking Bitch! The Last thing we have! UGGGH!” Mi shouts.

“However...Princess Luna showed up...” Yu explains.

“Yeah...” Mi looks calmer.

“And she along with the mane six convince Celestia to let us keep our memories. However we have a year and a day to get back into harmony...” The two stare at the ground and in unison speak “Whatever -that- means.” Yu coughs. “And that’s the backstory.”

Psycho’s eye twitched.”Tia-Tia. Is...evil...here? It seems I’m going to have to spank her again like when I was her foal-sitter.”

“NO!” They shouted in unison. “Seriously, just leave it alone.” Mi says.

“She did explain it...When we went through the universe, we picked up a lot of ...unstable magic... again, not much explanation to what that is...but...” Yu trails off.

“It’s Magic, it doesn’t need explaining.. And if we die, then all this magic gets spewed over Equestria. Then there is the whole, ‘you could be the next discord’ bullshit. Again. Whatever that means...” Mi finishes.

“Mhmmmm. What if I could give you something that would weaken your chaos, but not destroy it?”Psycho smiled.

The both of them sigh. “We don’t want anything from you. We have enough from strange, ‘gifts’ from strange beings.”

“Whatever. If you don’t do something, that...inferior chaos will eventually outgrow you.” Psycho appeared right behind Mi and was sniffing.”*sniff* They grow up so fast.”

The both of them roll their eyes. “Next Question.”

“Eheheh. I believe that is it. Hmmm, what time is it?”

The Psychopath pulled out a Big Ben tower from his hat, which jumped onto the ground, shaking it, and yelled:”IT’S SEVEN A.M.! TIME TO WAKE UP LAZY PONIES!”

“You heard him. IMMA HOSE YOU AWAKE!” Psycho held a gigntic firehose and sprayed the two into the coffee shop.

“Hey! H.B., time ta wake up!” Comes Applejack’s voice.

I breath hard through my nose and my eyes snap open. The morning light stings them, and I come back from what felt like a dreamless sleep. No, seriously. I don’t remember falling asleep last night. Kinda like what happened after, ‘Creativi-Tea Day.’
A muttered moan comes from my lips. I don’t feel like I slept at all. My heavy eyelids close back up. “Just ten more minutes, Applejack?”

Comments

[Paladin Redflare]

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!