An arrow bolt screamed past her head, the burning line down her shoulder indicated at least a glancing blow. “I came fifth in the running of the leaves. I. Can. Do. This.” Twilight chanted inside her head. She had little time or energy for long range teleportation and the leylines this side of the Everfree were too dangerous for an escape.
Sunlight had long retired for the Moon to shine, she had been running for hours and still her pursuers were relentless.
The terrain cleared from forest to wasteland. She was still miles from Ponyville, Canterlot or any pony civilisation. “Keep moving Twilight.” She muttered aloud, ignoring the pain of a poorly placed hoof.
Everything had been so nice when the day had started.
*
The olive green pack was stocked with a variety of dowsing and mapping materials. She had been asked by Princess Celestia to map some leylines within the Everfree. Apparently one or two ancient locations were potential research sites and she needed to know if the background magic would harm any long term researchers.
“I’ll be back before sunset Spike!” Twilight called happily to her assistant. “Enjoy a day off!” She cantered off towards the forest.
“Hey egghead! You sure you’ll be ok out in the forest?” Rainbow Dash flew overhead, catching up with the purple unicorn.
“I’ll be fine Rainbow. Zecora helped me map a safe route to the area and I have plenty of wards and spells to keep me safe.” Twilight smiled up at her considerate friend. “I’ll be back at sunset with a nice pile of data to work through.” Her eyes gleamed in anticipation.
“Ok egghead, you know the signal if you hit any problems. I’ll be there in ten seconds flat.” Rainbow grinned. Taking a quick look around for anypony she dipped down level with Twilight. “Stay safe.” She whispered and gave her unicorn a little peck on the cheek. Twilight blushed and smiled.
“I’ll be back soon Rainbow.” She said softly.
“Later Twi’!” Rainbow took a cocksure pose before flying off at top speed. She always got extra boastful after such delicate displays of affection. Twilight chuckled at her pegasine partner’s antics and carried on her trot to the ruins.
*
A sudden crash beside her brought Twilight violently back to the present. Her pursuers were keeping pace, only the frantic short hop teleport Twilight had taken far too long ago kept any sort of gap between them. If she was to falter or halt at any moment they would be upon her. As it stood their many ranged weapons ate up the distance at unexpected moments.
The wasteland was giving way to familiar sights, but with it a new set of problems. Twilight did not wish to lead this threat towards others. She was going to have to deal with them soon. But how?
*
The forest was quite pleasant in daylight, especially when the denizens knew of her friendship with Fluttershy. The map Zecora had provided was excellent and the copy she had made herself was invaluable. She had only been in the forest an hour and already the map was streaked with purple lines marking the magical paths and notations of the power leakage.
“Nearly at the ruins it seems.” The purple unicorn muttered to herself, checking landmarks and her compass. As she passed through a copse of twisted birch she saw the first signs of her goal.
*
Twilight felt herself flagging. She had made the agonising decision to turn away from the glowing beacon of a town, her charging foes a real threat to unprepared pony folk. From the positions of the stars in her fleeting glances she had calculated herself to be in the Diamond Dog mines area. Maybe the canines would be able to help her. Or at least see this intrusion as a threat and respond in force.
Gravel and dirt skittered as Twilight ran on while looking back. Her magical strength was at a minimum now, the basic shield and heads-up spells may take little power but using them for so long drained even the element of magic.
*
The pencil skittered across her page and Twilight sighed a contented sigh. “Looks like I have finished ahead of schedule!” She trilled happily. “Maybe I can take a deeper look around. Princess Celestia didn’t say anything against that.” She smiled in anticipation at the exciting sights within the ruins and stepped deeper into the cast down marble.
It wasn’t long before the studious pony was deep in thought about the tantalising fragments of dressed stone and sculpture. She didn’t notice the odd floor, a rather vegetated mosaic. The intense background magic, while not harmful and simply a normal and expected facet of the Everfree, obscured the complex spells woven into the decorative flooring.
One step further and Twilight was made very aware of the ancient spells. Within mixed vines, creeping vegetation and thick claddings of moss pre-exile statuary was coming to life, activated by an intruder.
The golems, telos or simply living statues that were set to protect this sacred place awoke to do their duty. Magical bolts began to land around and about the unknown unicorn. She suddenly teleported, escalating her threat level from pest to Eris status. The guards ancient spells kicked up a notch and they began to chase the very real threat to their monarchs.
*
The Diamond Dogs had been too deep underground or asleep. None had reacted to both her taunting shouts and the stampeding hooves of one live pony and half a dozen stone warriors. Twilight was getting very tired.
To make matters worse, Ghastly Gorge was getting closer.
“Think Twilight, think! Your beacon was too far out for Rainbow to see, so unless by absolutely minimal odds she chose to search for me here, or sent on of the girls, no one will be coming. Spike is at the library so no letters to the princess. The spells that run those statues are too complex for me to stop safely.” She groaned, the conclusion was inescapable and the little archaeologist inside her cried out in angst and hopped off for a series of stiff, strong, drinks. “I’ll just have to destroy them... All of them...” She made a quick assessment of her power levels. “In one burts... Oh Celestia, curse my boundless curiosity!”
The gorge was within sighting distance now. There was no way she could clear it and leave gravity to clean up her mess. She had to make a spell that would destroy the rock. Her mind raced.
“I need minimal energy, max effect with a short compilation and cast time. Something that hopefully won’t hurt me or anything alive out here but can crush granite. Think Twilight!” Just then, echoes came from the vast scar in the landscape and a light lit in the unicorn’s mind.
“Percussive Magic!” She shouted with glee. Twilight let herself come to a stop with a flourish and cascade of grit. She was far away from anything to hurt or damage, except her pursuers of course. She gathered the power, more than she had used as an element. Maybe even more than that first worrying burst as a filly. Now was not the time to hold back.
If the threat she faced had not been so deadly, or the harried unicorn had had time to consider facts, she would have realised that she was using amazing levels of power from reserves that had been sealed off so very long ago. As it stood, Twilight simply poured power into the spell.
Then, just as the statues closed in.
She let go.
*
Many miles away in a city called Manehatten a white unicorn with mane in shades of electric blue shot up in her bed, dislodging the grey earth pony who had been in her embrace.
“Epic Wub...” She breathed.
*
There was only a crater where the unicorn had stood, the radius was excessive, six piles of white dust and molten gold were all that were left of the chasing statues. Twilight Sparkle was gone.
*
The shockwave spread across the country. Hours later reports came from Zebrica and the Dragonlands of a noise of unexplained origin. In less enlightened territories at least two religious wars started and one was stopped. In Manhatten an excited unicorn caught the sound on tape and based a whole album of the concept.
In Ponyville five ponies and a dragon raced to the source and in Canterlot two Princesses rushed to the scene.
*
The sight that met them was amazing. Magic waveforms desiccated the light and mingled, echoing a sound so pure as to be the music of creation.
Rarity was in tears at the beauty. Rainbow Dash was just about ready to do the least awesome thing she had ever done in public. Fluttershy was awestruck, Applejack speechless and Pinkie Pie, having produced glow sticks and a whistle from wherever she kept such things, was raving.
When Luna and Celestia arrived there was a third flash in a familiar shade of purple.
*
Twilight Sparkle floated in a universe of pure sound. It was heart-wrenching, life-lifting, beautiful, ugly, chaotic, harmonious sound. “Welcome to creation little pony.” A kind voice, or communication said in what she perceived to be her head. “You have done well and claim you birthright.”
The pony moved from physical nothingness to existence in a blink.
*
“It was beautiful... It was all sound.” She whispered to the familiar voices that surrounded her. Twilight Sparkle stood up, further than before, and stretched her wings.
At which point her mind broke.
More later.... Must sleep
all that needs to be said: dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png
Holy crap... Well first off, you seriously need an editor. Like, big time. I caught multiple grammatical errors, not to mention your pacing and organizational skills are kind of lacking... I did laugh pretty hard at the "Epic Wub" bit, though. You've got something interesting going; it just needs some fine-tuning in the "physical beauty" derp-artment, if you get my drift. I'll follow this one.
Hi, just wanted to say that in your description Sometimes should be one word and that you have a typo with 'can'.
Overused trope.
Love the time jumps
Not bad.
But here's a few things:
Your pacing is fine(I think, I'm not as good, technically, as many others), but the speed at which Twilight is turned into an Alicorn is a bit too quick. Take a look at "The Quiet Place". It took time for Twilight to reach Alicorn hood in that story, it didn't feel rushed whereas yours kinda did.
Had you sufficed with the single flash-forward in the beginning and then focused on her 'travel' into the Everfree Forest, up until she reaches the ruins, you could have filled an entire chapter with just that.
Then the second chapter could've been her initial fight & later her attempted escape from those golems. Left as a cliffhanger.
In chapter three, a desperate Twilight Sparkle draws upon resources she never knew she had and the alicornification happens.
LISTEN! I am not saying that you should do this, nor am I suggesting anything whatsoever, I am merely saying what I would have done.
My point is that I feel the entire Unicorn to Alicorn was rushed quite a bit.
Second thing I wanted to mention is also the alternation between past and present; I don't quite like that. It would've been a little more pleasant to read had it been seperated.
Well... That's my two bits
A nice story so far though, a thumps up for that.
1464244 Typo in the description.
1464666
There is a whole group about these things full of a couple hundred people at least who are pretty much always interested in reading more. "Superman punches Bad Guy in the face" is overused too, but noone whines when DC has a new generation of writers do their take on Super Doomsday Punching 7: The Punchening.
Unnecessary shipping is unnecessary. There are a few issues with your pacing, I think. Slow down a bit, provide more insight and description, fill in the space between actions, show and don't tell.
This is for sure going to be featured, this is to good not to be. You did a nice form of going back and forward in time of the events and did it in a pretty seamless way. The concept in it of itself is nice, and the humor you made at the end about that sound was kind of cute and funny, and while you probably did that at a whim, perhaps you can tie those events into the story later on? Namely the one with the Religious war stopping because of her percussive spell. Look forward to seeing more of it
Liked and tracked
EDIT: I also agree with Pilate about the pacing, you probably should slow down future chapters, but I feel you should keep the pace of this chapter as is, i mean it IS a chase scene and things seem to always go by very fast when you are running for your life. Just make sure to slow down in future chapters
EDIT 2:1464745 i feel that it really wasn't unnecessary shipping, it could be an integral part of the story later on. So i say you should hold your judgement on that until later on in the story, okay?
1464717 To be fair, I didn't vote either way on this story. I just didn't feel like reading it on the overused trope.
something else i feel should be addressed though, one thing that DOES bug me.. the speed in which she became an alicorn, I feel you should have written the scene at Creation to be MUCH longer, maybe have it be its own long chapter or just have it be much longer and be part of the next chapter, but just don't have it in which she is suddenly an alicorn, that is just BEGGING to have this story go down Cliche road and it will NOT end well. So PLEASE reconsider that scene and maybe make it so that she is going to SLOWLY turn into an alicorn... I have a few Ideas on how you can do that PM me if you wish to know about them
The story has potential, I'll be tracking it, but it could really use a proofreader/editor. It may be small, but you even have a typo on the description, and first impressions can kill or make a story. If you don't know where to find help you may want to check out groups like Proofreaders and People willing to proof-read and Looking for Editors.
Title spelling error, please fix.
great first chapter!
i noticed a few small grammatical errors, didn't note them down, but they should be easy to find with a spelling program or just waiting and then reading through it yourself (also; they were barely noticeable).
OOOHH! NICE ONE! the potentual here is spectacular
1464779
Ah, I suppose that's cool then. I just get bugged when people dislike a story just based on the concept being overused or some such.
1464244 1464714
Typos in the description.
This is one word.
Mistyped can.
Also, I would recommend redoing the last few paragraphs. You were tired and it showed.
Anyway, have a good rest and a nice heart attack when you wake up.
inb4 featured.
epic just pure EPIC
If you can get a good editor i'm sure this will get featured.
1464711
She/he explained many of what I would consider you to do, you also could have had half a chapter explaining the reason for going into the Everfree ( sorry Kapuchu I M just very lazy and tired at the moment)
Just remember its your story and its realitively good so far and has great potentical! I am liking and traking!
GOOD LUCK!
Very Good sure it was rushed but I have seen stuff MUCH more rushed that yours and at least yours when rushed has the people acting how they should act... I Still would have loved to have seen you slow down for the transformation part. I would have loved to have read the thoughts twilight was having at that moment I would have loved to have seen you describe the blast in detail other than how far it was heard (I still like it when people hear it it describes the pure power behind it)
Overall Its right now sitting at around the half and half of Decent Twilacorn Stories. Its Right there at the edge of being great but not there yet. But then 95% of the ones now are on that edge to they have just stoped being writen so. Don't stop writing because someone else said something about it being overused I for one love these stories.
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw6245-Mother_of_me....png
This story is going to be awesome.
Very interesting to see where this leads!
1465471
Cannot feel brain. Heart wants to get off now.
So yeah, my blog post kinda sums up the feels and reactions I have.
To everyone: Start, that was the chapter name yes? Imma going to write more at some point, I have a holiday full of wet evenings and long lazy mornings coming up. I love to write like that (Also Toffee Vodka, ambrosia and muse all in one) so I shall be turning out more.
The stylistic choices are mine. I have been heavily influenced by The Sandman, Discworld a whole heap of pulp SF and most importantly 2000AD's Time Twisters and Futureshocks (There is a book of well known writers stories and one of Alan Moors work. Borrow, beg or pirate, it's a fantastic selection of reads.
So yeah, Cirrus Sky is going for a looong looooong lie down....
I would LOVE it if everything after this point were expanded on. Hey I'd probably end the chapter there and then have everything afterwards expanded into a chapter in and of itself, preferably one at least as long as this one. I would especially like Twilight's part, the Universe of Sound bit, to be expanded upon by at least a paragraph or two, It's obvious that she is at the very least semiconscious there, maybe she could attempt to interact with it before hearing the mysterious voice.
Otherwise I liked it and cannot wait to read more.
Well, to those who disliked the non-linear storytelling... uh.... sorry folks It's sticking for stylistic reasons
They'll all make sense in the end, I promise!
Aaaaaaaah!!! SO. AWSOME...
I liked it.
However, I feel as others pointed, you need an editor. Also, the pacing is a bit fast.
One thing you need to watch out for. Twilight is now an Alicorn. What happens next? I find most of the stories of this type just run out of steam after this. You need to have a longer plot already in mind or the idea of just Twi being an Alicorn doesn't last that long.
Still, clean up this beginning. Maybe slow down the pace a bit and you have a very good piece of work here.
Good show sir!
Yet another alicornization story for me to upvote and favorite. I love the prospect of Twilight being very powerful...
1471886
See, that line is one I just had to include!
So yeah. Thanks for all the support everyone. Chapter 2 is in the writing.
Duuuuddeeeeee..........
Yeah... I was about halfway through, and then...
"Epic wub"
Insta-fave.
Great work.
This is Australia...
“In one burts...
What did Burt ever do to Twilight to deserve such treatment?