Homeless Pone
‘I am a homeless pony looking for a place to stay. My job is currently no, but I get the Royal unemployment stipend and am a private tutor for the Royal family.’
I stare down at my parchment with the new message written upon it. Is it too much? I probably shouldn't mention I have no job and was a private tutor, not currently one unless I begin to teach Twilight my less combat-effective spells, like Talk to Animals and Sticks to Snakes. She has ties to the royal family, so maybe I could use her to get money, but then I would be disingenuous using her like that. I'm not good with moral conundrums. I did spend most of my time in blood in other worlds, whether that be my own or others, depending on the day, but trying to be a good person was not exactly high on my list. So, fuck it, using Twilight now. I only have to detach my emotions slightly from teaching new spells—no big deal.
I began to write down a new message on my parchment: something simple, nothing too intense
I’ve mentioned it before, but perhaps I could sell weapons. I do know minor amounts of smithing and enchanting, but they are brutal on account of my passive-absorbing abilities. I could probably recreate firearms from my original world. Crystals are plentiful and must be crafted like a rail gun to perform as a gun. I'll make a prototype with Twilight first. If anything, she’ll be more responsible than me about dangerous weaponry.
Putting away the parchment in the pocket dimension, I began my journey. The real estate agents are probably sleeping, and my hotel has barred me access now. I think, at least. I have no idea how generous this countryside town is.
Slow, steady steps across the road, I forgot to eat again. My stomach growls lowly. I ran out of celery already. Dumpster Diving would set me back for now, so take it in stride.
My march takes me down to a bridge, separating town over the river that glides through the center of the village. Sleeping under the bridge overnight is definitely an option, but I won't be a troll. I don't even have a fancy riddle for them to think about for about 5 minutes!
Walking over the bridge, I continue down, seeing the stores and stalls closed within the darkening hours of the day. The light that once lit them is now dim, and darkness has taken rein.
You know, I never did build that cabin. Perhaps I should do that. I don't know the zoning laws of this place, but I don't care. I don't care, that’s right, I will be assaulting trees! I'm looking ahead! It will work out.
With the new fire in my heart, I rush into the whitetail woods, seeing that tree I punched down the other day. Knocking my hooves on the fallen log, I've noticed they're stable pine trees. I hope I'm not a plant scientist, just the mad inventor kind. It will definitely last me for a short while as the homeless guy in the woods. It's only temporary until I can get housing within the village. Standing on my hind legs, I crack my forehooves. This will be my greatest work yet.
With a punch to another tree, I began to work. Albeit without tools and a strong sense of wanting a roof over my head.
I pant heavily. My horn is lit in pride as I look upon my new work! A log cabin in the woods! It's got all your essentials: a door, a singular window, a door, and a cardboard bed. I returned to get my cardboard from my begging adventures. It shall be my bedding in my sleep! I fine-cut the wood upon the door and window with my horn, just sanding the things down. I don't know any good wind spells to cleave people. I should probably study up on one or two. They're helpful in flying if you can't use telekinesis on yourself to fly.
Resting my head on the cardboard, I feel satisfied. It's good enough for tonight. At least I was able to build that log cabin.
With a stifled yawn, I began to shut my eyes. The hazy world darkens as I sleep. Tonight is good for me. I wonder if I'll see good ol’ Luna
“Avast!” I yell at the top of my lungs in my wooden sloop!
“Ye salty dogs shall hear the tale of mine! The Pirate King!” Holding my swashbuckling sword up high, I point to the endless sea before me. The waves gently carried through the vast expanse before me.
“Hahaha!” E-gad! An enemy! “Who has approached the Black Beard Anonymous?! You shall feel fear beyond fear!”
The waves crash as a loud cannon shot in the air. No, multiple cannons. They fired hard and fast toward my wooden sloop, tearing holes through the boat. “PGA OPEN UP!”
“Wha-”
“I repeat. PGA OPEN UP!”
“WOAH!” I sat up, hearing the constant knocking on my shitty wooden door. Damn, dude, you don't have to break it. I made that last night!
Feeling the bags in my eyes, I blinked a couple of times before standing up and opening the door. “Hello?”
“Sir! This is the PGA.” A stallion stood before me. He is wearing armor, the golden standard I've seen in Canterlot. He’s instead of a generic white pegasus. It's a large and in-charge brown pony with no wings or horns.
“What now, also PGA?”
“PonyVille Guard Assembly! We provide PonyVille with top-of-the-line protection directly from Canterlot. You, sir, have violated the first law we had to enforce since the illegal parking with a traveling magician!” He is loud, talking like a military officer training new cadets loud. It hurts.
“I… there's parking laws?”
“Sir! I shall be asking the questions and investigating the premises.”
“I plead the fifth?”
“The what, sir?”
“Never mind.” Fuck, I have to talk to the police. Okay, okay. If I get thrown in jail, I’ll have no excuse. If anything lying could get me in deeper shit, so I should stretch the truth as much as I can.
“What I thought, sir.” He pulled out a notepad and quill and began to write down something. Where did he hide that?
“So…what did I violate?” It must be a city-specific law.
“You have done unauthorized construction on the property of noble Filthy Ritch’s land. You shall be subject to his actions, and I shall have you stationed here until he arrives.”
“Oh. That's neat.” I pissed off a political figure, great. That only leaves more.
“Sir, why have you had this log cabin built, and by whom?”
“I didn't have anywhere else to stay. I am poor and have nowhere else to go.”
“Mmhm. Who did you contract to build this log cabin?” He scribbled down on his book.
“Myself.” That's a way to determine if someone is lying about being poor—just rapid-fire the next question.
“Okay.” More scribbling action. “When did you come to Ponyville?”
“About four days ago, sir.” It’s an unforgettable four days, in my opinion. This realm is so close to my home that it's wild how similar they are. If only I could use a phone again. I miss the internet sometimes. Even the future internet in the cyberpunk world is fun.
“Are you currently receiving any pension funds for homeless and or ponies who cannot work due to ‘special’ cute marks?” God, I can feel the quote-un-quote in his speech.
“Yes.”
“Who is responsible for collection and giving pension to you?”
“I shall keep her name anonymous for her.”
“Very well, sir.” Thank god, I'm not telling anyone about what me and Twilight do. If anything, I think she’d crack underneath police pressure.
“Thanks.”
“Your name, sir?”
“Anonymous.”
“Sir. We do not do jokes here.”
“I am not joking. My name is truly Anonymous.”
“Surname?” Scribble, Scribble, Scribble.
“Incognito.”
“Anonymous Incognito is your first and last?”
“Yes.”
“Of course, sir.” He sounds very exasperated. Perhaps I am annoying, which is good. I never did respect the police in any world I was in. So, fuck ‘em.
“I have arrived per your instruction.” A voice rang out. He sounds like a very business-type voice. All business, no pleasure, and infinite confidence in securing a deal. He is also wearing a suit, an odd fellow.
“Ah, Filthy Rich. You’ve made it just on time.” So that’s the noble. “How’s the missus?”
“Lovely as always. Spoiled really does know a thing or two.” He chuckled, fondly remembering his wife.
“How’s the kid? It's been a while since.”
“You know, it's Diamond Tiara’s birthday soon. She’s turning ten this year, and I've been running short of birthday ideas. The Little one has been looking at her schoolmate’s tree house, and perhaps I have found what I have been looking for. A little refurbish, and she has her very own log cabin.” Eyeing my cabin, muttering.
I…no! Why?! He’s taking my shit! No! I was at least hoping to have a whole character arc in that cabin, maybe burn it town to come to terms with my whole wanting to leave a mark thing I want to do.
“Of course, sir. It’s a nicely built cabin.”
“Oh, don't you do that, Caramel. I know you well enough that you don’t have to call me sir.”
“Yeah, yeah, Filthy. Don’t forget about the guy. What did you want to do to him?”
“Oh. Just lead him off my land and sue the company that allowed this illegal building on my land.”
I’m right here, guys, literally right at the doorstep of my home—the place you guys are taking for yourselves and packaging it to your daughter due to negligible parenting. To be fair, it is impossible to gift something to a pre-teen. So carry on! See if I care, DAD! Wow, where did that come from? It must be from a lack of sleep.
“On that note. Who built the cabin here?”
“The stallion built it himself.”
“Oh? How fascinating, a homeless pony with talent, after all.”
They look at me. Finally, a source of acknowledgment was brought to my direction. Took a second or two.
“Now please leave the premises, sir….” He turns to his fellow pony.
“Anonymous.”
“Sir Anonymous, we shall not have any more rabble further tarnish my land. Chop-chop.” He shoes le away, no payment for building your daughter’s birthday present? I guess that's how the rich stay rich.
I could only nod and walk away. Great, there goes my cabin living days. Still, I'm proud it'll stand, even if it’s not for me anymore.
I am so tired.
I found myself at the park. It was the only place with a bench. I laid down, trying to sleep, but couldn't. The day was too harsh upon my eyes, so the curse of no rest reeks on me.
“You have a problem?! DO YOU?” I hear danger approaching. I wonder what that is about.
Sitting up from lying on my back, I saw Twilight. Her eyes were crazed, her hair unkempt and unbrushed. I could see the individual strands standing up. Soon, her sights set on me, lighting up as she suddenly boosted in my direction.
“Hiiii~ Anonymous.” Her teeth were out. I never noticed how odd horse teeth look. Neat?
“Hello, Twilight.”
“You must have a problem. Riiiiight?” She leans in, wrapping a foreleg around me and pulling me close to her.
“I mean. I do. It's not the most fun problem in the world, but it’s definitely a problem for me.”
She squealed in joy? It's an odd mixture of happiness, relief, and crazed that makes me slightly uncomfortable. I would stick my dick in crazy, but this is just insanity.
“What's the problem, my dear friend.”
“We’re friends now?”
“Of course, was your problem a lack of friends?”
“No. It's not that. It's just…uh. I'm homeless.”
“I…” The gears in her head are churning as she begins to process what she hears. Her face slowly loses the crazed pinprick stare and returns to full. “What?”
“I'm homeless, Twilight.”
“I…what, why?”
“I got no home.”
“I know that, but why? What led you to be homeless? Equestria hasn't had a homeless pony in a while! All fillies and colts are required to have housing, and even still there are methods to distribute housing!” She let go of my shoulder at this point, she was shocked at my state of myself. I didn't know about any of this. I didn't tell a soul about my homelessness issues. I just didn't have a job and begged. Is begging considered performative art here? “But then again. That was shut down once the homeless issue was rectified…”
“I didn't know that. That would have been real good information to know when I came to this world.”
“I'm sorry. This world?”
Aw, shit. I said too much. Just keep going. If I get a home from this conversation, then so be it. I won't lie. Just tell her the truth as far as she would know. A lie by omission is a lie I can live with.
“Yeah. This world, I'm not from Equestria.”
“Then. Where are you from?” She leaned in. I didn't know if she still wanted to hear about my problem or about me—both work, I guess.
“A place where I just couldn't be. So I left, I took a gamble, and just teleported somewhere. I didn't expect it to be here I ended up staying. I never was good with teleportation. Just anywhere but there would be fine. Since then, I have just kind of been wandering around. I couldn't find a place, I left as soon as entered most of the time. No coin to my name, no friends to fall back upon, just a smile and hope that I could do something, you know? I really do have nothing except the knowledge in my head, and the fur on my back.”
“I get that.” Twilight smiles. She wants me to continue my words. My face hurts. My grimace at my situation is a little too tight.
“In all honesty, I've been trying to leave my mark upon where I live, Twilight. Even back home, I wanted to be remembered as someone by people I leave behind.”
“People?”
“Regional dialect. Plus, you're really nice, and the princesses too. I never expected to meet royalty when I arrived. It's nice.” Royalty, me and you always intertwine no matter the world. Even if it’s a Cyberpunk CEO, a prince of light, or the devil king, we seem to always meet.
I wonder what Twilight will do with this connection, she isn’t a Royal, she’s a student to a Royal. She studies magic, perhaps on the road to becoming the grand wizard. I will never know.
She paused for a moment and put a gentle hoof on my shoulder. “I just want to ask, why don't you stay with me?”
“Huh?” I was expecting me to ask her, not the other way around.
“You heard me. I know an easy solution to your problem.”
“You know, I never thought to ask about spending the night at your place. I was afraid to abuse your kindness for hiring me and being your lab partner.”
“Well. You don’t have to fear that. I may not have known you for very long, but I'm willing to extend a helping hoof to a friend in need.”
I smile, kindness, generosity, I can feel them. I can feel the magic. I'm absorbing something. I don’t understand it. Perhaps this is friendship magic. In that case, I'll happily take it.
“Thank you, Twilight. That means a lot. I hope to find something in return to give you.”
“Nonsense. I don't need anything else.” She giggles. This nerd doesn't know it, but she gave me a challenge.
“I feel like I learned something…”
“You did?” She was way too quick on the pen and parchment draw, almost as if she was waiting for this.
“Yeah. Yeah. Even if I don't understand the world around me, when I feel true kindness from another pony. Perhaps I shouldn't be afraid to ask for help when needed. The warmth of the friendship should be able to validate any emotion I feel. Even if they're not the proudest.”
“Done, and Done.” With a flash of her horn. The letter went away, to where? I wouldn't know.
“Thank you, Anonymous. I needed that friendship report.” She hugs me, huh? I guess I already did give her something.
“No problem, Twilight.” I pat her back. What do I do when a girl hugs me anyway?
“Well. If anything, we should set up your room. I am still going to keep my promise of helping.” She lets go, hopping off the bench.
“Yeah. That would be nice.”
This feels nice. Harmony…
This is a good change from war and violence. This peace should stay.
However, I can't help but feel I prevented something catastrophic.
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Ponies have given MC strange looks. I wonder if this turn of events will affect Twilight’s reputation: the Princess’ student inviting the new stallion in town to live with her…
Well, at least they’ll have a plethora of projects to keep them occupied. He does need to keep on that mana pool.
Wind magic would be cool. Maybe he can learn a few more ‘professional skills magics’ and start a business? Lumberjack, smithee, inventor?
I’m glad MC likes the change of pace towards Harmony. I think things will still get crazy though. Crazy fun.
I like the cultural and civically oriented aspects added to the story here. Having an in-depth and functioning legal system makes one’s actions more serious and impactful.
This made me smile
Uhoh.
Lesson Zero is Canceled?
Thats gonna come back and slap them over the head with a possessed doll flying a giant alien spacecraft later.
He better go back and burn that cabin to the fucking ground. No idea why he took that laying down like a bitch but there's no way in hell I'd let someone just take something of mine without a fight. He dident even try to contest it. That thing would have an accident soon or just flat out disappear if it was me.
In a future chapter, you need to do something to mess with Filthy Rich and his family just for a little payback.
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I would have destroyed the cabin fr fr.
Nice chapter, now we finally have Annon's full name. Also did this prevent the disastrous event's of lesson zero?
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Never truly rectify Twilight’s invisible rule to have a friendship problem once a week, but with Anon there he’s about to experience the ADHD of a pony obsessed with books.
As he walks away he opens a portal underneath theam thean he burns down the cabin
Linda's room a portal opens up above Luna dumping the 2 on top of luna forcing her awake she yelling in the canterlot voice full force calling the gates for intruders in her room
Soon the evil bug pones will appear...
And did I mention a door!
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Hey! Don't call shapeshifting horsebugs "evil"! They are hangry! And a little bit insane. Try to stay sane while being perpetually hangry.
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And, and! You'll never guess it
A door!
But SIDEWAYS!