Twilight Abuses the Cutie Map

by Cxcd

Twilight's Type - (03) The Planning Room

Rainbow picked up a clipboard. “Miss Twilight Midnight-Twinkle Sparkle.” Rainbow said, clearing her throat and marching forwards. In the middle of the loft upstairs, Twilight summoned her inner brother, standing at attention like a true soldier. Rainbow gave Twilight a quick nod, apparently satisfied at her attentive. She stared forwards, held her neck straight and true, and stood completely still. “Seventeen years old.” Rainbow read from the clip-board. “Unicorn. Purple. Virgin. Has only been kissed by two stallions.” Rainbow raised an eyebrow, staring at Twilight and flipping to the next page. “Is this true, recruit?”

“Ma’am yes ma’am.” She affirmed. Rainbow nodded, bringing her eyes back towards the clipboard.

“That would be one ‘Sir Prince Shining Armor…” Rainbow squinted at the paper, reading in between the lines. “Whenever she got… ‘a boo-boo?’” Rainbow leaned back, staring incredibly judgmentally at Twilight. “Is this true, recruit?”

“Ma’am yes ma’am.” She repeated, suddenly sweating. Rainbow looked back at the paper.

“And one ‘Mr. Night Light’ kissing his daughter goodnight- Twilight, have you ever really kissed any pony? Like- not any of this, but REAL kissing?”

“W-Well-” Twilight cleared her throat, her eyes darting nervously away from her imaginary fixed point. “I-I mean- not traditionally?”

“Not traditionally.” Rainbow set down the clipboard on a nearby bookshelf. “This is gonna be a tough case, recruit.” She sighed, sitting on her flank, rubbing both her eyes with her hooves. “Even the most desperate of mares, like my previous recruit, Sargent Fluttershy, had a special some pony in flight camp.” She laughed darkly. “I kicked the shit out of him when he broke up with her. Only learned later she broke up with him.”

“Rainbow!” Twilight shouted, breaking out of her role play. “Fighting? You could’ve gotten in serious trouble-”

“Out of line, recruit.” Rainbow snapped, standing back up. “I mean, I did get in trouble. A lot of trouble. But that’s besides the point.” Twilight found herself suddenly muzzle-to-muzzle with the speedster as she spoke. “What’s your type?” She asked. Twilight could feel her personal bubble shatter into a million pieces, opting to instead close her eyes. When not getting a response, Rainbow began pushing her muzzle harder into Twilight, raising her voice. “I said- what’s your TYPE?”

“Rainbow!” A purple dragon yelled, running down the staircase. “Get away from her!” Twilight felt her relief in waves as her brother’s voice filled the room.

“What?” She asked, thankfully pulling away. “Why?”

“Because! She isn’t okay with that!” Spike yelled angrily. “You of all ponies should know about violating personal space!”

“Why isn’t she okay with it?”

…

“Because she isn’t.” Spike said, getting flustered. “Just- don’t do it again.”

“Why isn’t she okay with it?” Rainbow repeated, suddenly curiosity overruling her role as Drill Sargent. Spike looked at Twilight for a moment, Twilight’s very apprehensive face burned a hole into his retinas, her left eye only squeaked open a crack as her lip quivered. Spike only hardened his resolve.

“She isn’t. Drop it.” Spike growled. Rainbow looked like she wanted to argue, but decided against it after seeing the two-versus-one situation she was in. She only let out a sigh, her voice now much more quieter and reserved.

“What is your type, Twilight?” She asked uncharacteristically quiet and soft. Twilight opened both eyes, looking around nervously.

“I- um-” She coughed, looking towards the floor. “I- I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Rainbow almost shrieked, raising her voice. “Wh- how did you choose-”

“Rainbow.” Spike warned. Rainbow’s face fell flat.

“Okay. Fine. You don’t know. Big deal.” Rainbow began hovering away, grabbing a blackboard in the process of making one large circle. She took an eraser, rubbing away the articulate spell-casting diagrams on the surface. Twilight cringed, as did Spike, but didn’t say anything. Rainbow took a piece of chalk in her mouth, scribbling out a sentence. She took a wing beat backwards.

“Twilight’s Stallion friend.” Twilight read. “Oh dear.” Rainbow then wrote in the left column ‘Twilight’s Type,’ and in the right column, ‘Potential caneedites.’ Twilight decided not to correct her on the spelling.

“Think real hard.” Rainbow said, settling onto the ground and spitting out the chalk. “What did you find attractive in Big-Mac?” She asked. Twilight put a hoof to her chin. Her mind was still a little frayed from the intense interaction she just had from Rainbow, but she kept pushing anyways.

“I liked his- um-” Twilight rolled her hoof. “His height. I like big stallions, I think.” Her cheeks grew in temperature. “I like it when I get hugged. Like- feeling safe when a stallion holds me-”

“Too much info, Twi.” Rainbow said, cringing slightly. Twilight’s cheeks grew in temperature from embarrassment this time. Rainbow chicken-scratched ‘TALL’ onto the board. “Right. Next?”

“I- um-” She clared her throat. “I like bravity?” Rainbow raised her eyebrow. Twilight looked a little flustered, but continued nonetheless. “Imagine a damsel in distress. A sweeping, strong stallion sweeps her off her hooves. Awh.” Twilight sighed. Rainbow just nodded with a raised eyebrow, scratching ‘Bravittite?’ “Um-” She started to scratch her fetlock. Spike shot a look, and she stopped, looking a little sheepish herself. Then, her eyes lit up like she had a realization. “Spike, you’ve lived with me since- forever. What do you think?”

“Brash.” He said almost immediately. Rainbow made an approving smile, writing down ‘Brash’ on the board.

“Woah-woah.” Twilight waved her hoof. “What? Brash? Really?”

“Meh, I can see it.” Rainbow shrugged.

“Yeah.” Spike agreed. “Like, remember when you dated that-”

“Spike!” Twilight yelled, summoning her magic to latch Spike’s mouth shut, shooting him a burning glare. Spike seemed to not realize what he had just said, looking surprised at even himself.

“Wait, what?” Rainbow said loudly. “Date? Date? Did I hear date?” She started flying in front of Twilight. “You dated some pony? Who? And why didn’t you kiss him?”

“Oh- um-” Twilight let go of Spike. He rubbed his muzzle, looking a little angry. “It was nothing, really. Just a little experimentation during my early days.” She giggled nervously. “I remember how surprised Princess Celestia was when I told her about it.”

“But you never kissed him?” Rainbow complained. “Not once? Not even a little peck?”

“Rainbow! Relationships are more than just kissing!” Twilight argued. “It’s about being with somepony you love! Somepony you can feel safe around! If kissing is your quota of a succesful relationship, then I don’t think that was a relationship!”

“Ugh- whatever!” Rainbow hovered a wingbeat back, flailing her hooves. “I’m only here to find you a partner! Not- make sure you kiss him. Kissing, or whatever, is your job. Not mine.”

“Are you taking this seriously-”

“I’m more serious than I’ve ever been in my life!” Rainbow exclaimed. “I’m so serious- I could- I could scream!”

“Don’t.” Spike warned, crossing his arms. Rainbow sighed.

“First things first.” Rainbow started. “We need to find you a potential partner. We have our list here. Tall, Brave, and Brash. Who do we know that is Tall, Brave, and Brash?” She put a hoof on her chin, hovering in the air. Truth be told, she really hadn’t paid all that much attention to stallion’s in Ponyville. When she was growing up, she was properly fawning over them. It was the talk of the school. To be cool, you had to have a stallion. Fortunately, Rainbow, and all of the other school kids, moved on from using stallions as objects of status.

Ever since she moved to Ponyville, gender didn’t seem like an issue. If the pony was cool, why not hang out with them? A pony was a pony at the end of the day, no matter what was between their legs.

…

Man, Rainbow didn’t feel good.

Something is going on with Twilight. Instead of giving her space, Rainbow just got closer instead, pestering the issue. She didn’t like Rainbow being that close, and couldn’t quite vocalize the fact she was uncomfortable. Not until Spike came into the room. Looking back, she could’ve handled that a little better… She deserves the best stallion. Cream of the crop stallion.

Rainbow landed with a smirk on her face.

“Spike. You and me are going stallion-hunting.”

“What.”

“That’s right, tough shot.” She nodded. “We’re going to go scope out stallions.”

“But- you can’t just- you can’t just watch at ponies outside! That’s like- stalking, or something. Just- really, really creepy!” Spike complained. Rainbow put a hoof to her chin, thinking it over. Spike was right, unbelievably.

“You’re right.” She said. “We need disguises.”

“For the love of-”

“C’mon- Twilight, you wait here.” Rainbow picked up Spike with a wing, throwing him onto her back. He flailed his claws in the air for a moment, before gettting two fists full of Rainbow mane. “Just- I dunno, study, or something.” She said dismissively. “C’mon, Spike. Hold on.”

“I- I didn’t agree to thi-” Before he could finish, however, Spike and Rainbow were gone in a blaze of light, leaving behind a Rainbow trail. Twilight stared at the open door, it swinging shut and making a loud thunk as it hit it’s hinges.

Studying. Huh. Twilight thought. I can do that.

---

There was a mare in a large-brimmed gray-striped fedora, shadow cascading down and creating a black shadow that obscured her features. If nopony looked past and at her rainbow tail and unique-to-her Cutiemark, nopony would know she was actually the fearsome, ultimate, and awesome Rainbow Dash. She leaned over a table, a smoothie-straw in hand, sucking down greedily on a chocolate shake. Out of the corner of her eye, she observed and watched. Observed for any tall. Watched for and brave and brash. Her eyes darted back and forth. Eventually, she spotted one.

Rainbow leaned forwards, letting the straw slide past her mouth.

“What about the Doc?” She whispered to her partner in crime.

It was a small creature with purple scales, wearing a similarly scaled fedora and black trenchcoat. He stopped sipping his own ruby smoothie, looking around and spotting the mentioned stallion.

“Doc? Eh… I dunno.” He shrugged. “He’s not really tall.”

“But he is Brash.” Rainbow whispered, eyes still locked on him. It appeared he had a bag full of clocks, trotting back towards his workshop.

“How do you know?” Spike asked, returning to his smoothie.

“I needed him to fix my clock once.” Rainbow explained, looking at Spike. “He sent me back to my flight-camp days.”

“What?” Spike almost shouted. A few curious glances looked towards the duo, the two suddenly solidifying stiller than statues. A few moments later, the other patreons of the milkshake palace returned to their own smoothies. “How did you get back?”

“I didn’t.” She explained calmly. Spike blinked dumbly. “I had to do it all over again.”

“W-What?” He asked, apparently concerned. “How old are you?”

“Physically? Eighteen. Mentally? Probably like thirty.” She shrugged. “I got to fix some of my mistakes, though. Not everypony gets a second chance like that.”

“Great. The Doc isn’t for Twilight. Mixing her with Time-travel isn’t a good idea. Ever.” He sighed. “Next.”

“Aw, why not?” She asked, apparently hurt. “We should thank him. Without him, the elements of harmony don’t look exactly the same.”

“I- Oh, Celestia, what did you do?”

“Well- before the ‘reset,’Trixie was the element of magic, Big-Mac was the element of honesty, and Rarity was a stallion called ‘Elusive.’” She explained, looking around for more potential targets. “I’m not entirely sure how Rarity switched genders like that, but…” She shrugged. “I’m pretty sure she was born before I screwed with the time line, or whatever.”

“Oh. Oh, Celestia.” Spike put his head in his hands. “Does this mean that Rarity is- is a-”

“Oh, Oh, what about him?” Rainbow pointed. Spike temporarily forgot about his life-altering mind-bending and time-line destroying dilemma when he followed Rainbow’s hoof with his eyes.

A good block down the road, devoid of any homes, was a developing neighborhood. A lot of concrete foundations had been poured, the place looking like a wooden plank forest with posts sticking up out of the ground almost randomly. One near house towards the rest of civilization had four ponies working on the structure. A pegasus directing a unicorn lifting a beam. An earth-pony hammering in nails to an already fastened piece of wood. Another Earth-pony, one that Rainbow was pointing at.

“Him?” Spike asked, raising an eyebrow. “Um- I mean, sure. He does fit the list.” He said, rubbing his hands together nervously. “But- I mean, I think Twilight deserves somepony a little more… um…” He waved generally. “Smart.”

Indeed, the stallion seemed to be trying to fit a plank of wood through the door horizontally.

“Smart?” Rainbow asked, looking at the scene. “Err- I mean- Twilight might find it charming?”

“Charming.” He said. “Whatever. I think we should keep looking.”

“Spike.” Rainbow sighed. “At this rate, we’re gonna be here half the day looking for a stallion! I say we go for it! He’s the closest pony that fits the list.”

“Fine. I’m not gonna ask him, though. You gotta do that.”

“Deal.” She said, saluting. In less than a second, a fedora was the only thing that remained on the stool. Spike blinked dumbly for a minute, before also shedding his fedora and trench coat, pitter-pattering his legs to catch up to Rainbow.

A second later, a waiter approached the table. His eyes narrow, a grunt of frustration leaving as he sees the mess left behind.

“Hey!” A mare shouted. The stallion stopped his hammering, dropping the plank of wood and looking around in confusion. Then, another. “Hey!” He heard her shout. The stallion picked his ear, not entirely sure whether the sound is coming reality or the ringing coming from the banging of his co-worker above him.

“I said hey!”

The mare was right behind him. He let out a girlish squeal, jumping back and staring at her with a shocked expression.

“Um- Hey!” He said, re orientating himself proper. “Rainbow Dash, right? Element of loyalty? How can I help you?” He asked.

“Yup, that’s me.” She shined. “What’s your name?”

“Caramel. Caramel Blueshoe at your service.”

“Listen, buddy.” She started, slinging a hoof around his neck. “Are you single?”

“Woah.” Caramel said, a blush forming around his muzzle. “Coming on hard a little?”

“Not for me, doofas.” She sighed, letting go of him. “Are you single? Some Earth-pony families believe in the-” She waved a hoof around her neck. “The necklace tradition of married ponies. That, or bracelets.”

“This?” He asked, picking at a tightly bound necklace to his neck. It had a thick, black collar that looked almost restraining with a bright light blue crystal in the middle. “No, this is a gift from my sister.” He laughed nervously before dropping a few octaves in volume. “Does it look good on me? Oh, I hope I don’t look bad.”

“Oh, yeah, whatever.” She waved a hoof. “So, you’re single?”

“Oh- Single and proud.” He said with a slight boast. “But- uh- you said it wasn’t for you. What’s happening?”

“I got this-” She made a circular motion with her hoof. “Shy friend. She’s not very good at conversation, and wants to ask you out.”

“Oh, that's a shame.”

A beat.

“So I’m asking you out for her.”

“Oh, right!” He said with a smile, planting a hoof against his forehead. “Yeah- uh- duh.” He said sheepishly, his ears folding back. “Did that sound dumb? I really hope it didn’t-”

“It sounded fine.” She sighed. “Confidence issues? When do you get off of work?”

“Six. Six-thirty at the latest.” He looked up at his other three co-workers. The Pegasus gave him a long glance. He felt a shiver run down his spine as he turned back to the prismatic mare. “Listen- uh- I gotta get back to work.”

“Okay. Eight. Meet us at the fancy restaurant at eight.”

“Fancy… do you mean ‘Poneys Et Baise?’”

“Whatever.” She turned around, starting to trot away. “See you there!” She stopped short, however, as she witnessed a small purple dragon finally stop in front of her, sweat pouring down his face as he collapsed on the ground.

“You- are so- fast!” He panted. “D-Did you get a date for Twilight?”

“Heck yeah!” She said. “This hunk of stallion right here!” Caramel would’ve blushed, if he wasn’t petrified with fear.

“Good… can you- carry me home?” He asked. Rainbow rolled her eyes, picking up the dragon and chucking him on her back. With one last glance at Caramel, she took off like a rocket.

Caramel really hadn’t registered what had happened. He had just agreed to a date. Because of course he had. He should be over the moon! He never even tried to get a mare, but one just asked him out!

The problem was, however, the mare that had asked him out.

Twilight. Twilight Sparkle.

The protege of Princess Celestia herself.

The most powerful Unicorn in all of Equestria, probably in all of history, too.

Caramel slowly glanced down at his necklace. He looked at the shimmering blue crystal, the surface humming a barely visible blue magic. Needless to say, he swallowed the rapidly drying spit in his mouth.